Chapter 25

Ally P.O.V

I wake up and I looked over on the side of my bed and I realized Trish slept the night here. I really appreciate her staying over because I could really use the company and support. It has been a day since I found out about…Austin. I feel so angry at myself for letting Austin into my life now, If I hadn't have met him none of this would be happening and I wouldn't be in pain and full of hurt. Why did he have to bump into me on that first day? Why did I have to fall for him and let him in because everyone I know ends up dying? I knew I shouldn't have let him in, I knew I shouldn't have been in a relationship with him, and now I'm paying the horrible price and I'm really angry at myself. I'm also angry at Austin, why did he do this to me, why did he have to get killed and leave me like this, how could he, he promised me he would always be there for me, well I guess that was a big fat lie.

I hear Trish waking up from her sleep from the side of my bed. She yawns and says

"Good Morning Ally"

"It's not really". She sits up.

"What are you feeling Ally". I let out an annoyed sigh.

"I'm feeling really angry at myself and…Austin". Saying his name was painful.

"Why"

"Because, I feel like if I hadn't of met Austin then all of this wouldn't have happened"

"Ally, Austin changed your life, aren't you grateful for that, you should honor his memory by remembering all the good times you shared and the words he used to say"

"Trish if I do that then I feel pain and hurt, all I feel now is anger, I feel angry that I met Austin, I feel angry that he got killed and that left me full of pain"

"Ally this is just a part of the grieving process, I promise you it will get better"

"Yeah but the last time someone said that it didn't turn out to be true"

"Ally I mean it, it is going to be better"

"How can you say that, you don't know how it feels, no one knows how I feel, I feel angry at myself and Austin as well".

"Ally I do know how it feels, Austin was my friend". I stood up

"No Trish you don't, nobody does okay. You may think you do but you don't, I feel all these emotions that I can't control, I feel anger and I don't even know why, Austin was the love of my life, so Trish you don't know how it feels alright"

She looked stunned, her eyes grew wet. "I'm sorry for your loss Ally but I was only trying to help"

And she ran out of the apartment. .

I didn't mean to upset her, it's just I'm finding it really difficult to process my emotions.

I sit down on my bed, feeling absolutely miserable and lonely, whishing upon a star that Austin would come back and cuddle me and say everything was going to be alright. All I want to do is see him, nothing else in the world except him. I want to say something to him that might convince him to stay with me.

I keep on hearing his last words in my head, the way he used to tell me that he was always going to be there for me, the way he used to tell me he loved me.

Now all those things are gone, and I really wish I hadn't met him, because I would not be in this mess.

How could he do that, I thought he cared for me…I guess not.

I cried tears of anger and hurt that night.

Trish P.O.V

You could say right now, every one's life is a mess. I called the school and told them that Ally could not attend because of obvious emotional problems. I told them she needs time to grieve. I'm trying to help Ally with her loss of Austin, but at the same time I'm grieving as well, he was a good friend of mine. But I think Ally was hit the hardest. She is not taking this well and I don't really blame her, Austin was her first love and was probably going to be the one she was going to spend the rest of her life with, because I could see that happening, man I think everyone saw that happening in the future, even Austin's Mum Mimi saw that happening. Ally is really heartbroken. Poor girl, she didn't really need this on top of losing both of her parents, what kind of cruel trick is this.

5 days later

I apologized to Trish for what I said and we made up. It felt nice to have my best friend by my side again.

I still miss Austin like crazy, it's driving me insane. He is literally all I think about, and it hurts so much. I still can't believe he's gone. He was in my life quickly and out of it quickly. I'm trying to bottle all my emotions up so no one will notice.

His speech that he said before performing on the day I first met him was going around and around my head like a broken record.

I can't help but feel like if I had gone to his apartment early enough than maybe I could have prevented his death. Or maybe if I had told him to come to my apartment then maybe that would have prevented his death as well. I feel like it's my fault he's dead and I can't help but feel eaten alive with the guilt, I'm an empty shell.

Trish comes into my living room; she has decided to live at my place for a while. "Hey Ally how are you feeling". She comes and sits down next to me. I feel like I am being followed by all these feelings and emotions and they won't leave me alone. They are driving me to the point of absolute insanity.

"I can't help but feel like it's my fault that Austin died, like if I had gotten there earlier maybe I could have prevented it"

"Ally you could not have prevented it, no one could have"

"Trish don't you understand, Austin would still be alive if I had gotten their earlier or if I told him to come to my apartment first, it's all my fault"

"Ally you are being ridiculous, none of this is your fault". I was close to tears, how could she not see it was my fault.

"Trish Austin's death was preventable, and it's my fault".

Then I stood up and walked out and slammed the door.

I started walking around the park, hoping to distract myself from my aching heart. The sun was shining but to me it felt like a storm. The flowers looked dead and wilted and everything was in black and white. Everything was all depressing and bleak.

I walked towards the duck pond and noticed a young couple walking hand in hand around it. I felt a tug in my heart and in my memories. I had to get away from this, but I felt like I couldn't, it felt like I was under this glass dome and I couldn't get out. The storm cloud above me followed me everywhere.

If I hadn't have arrived late to Austin's apartment then he would still be alive and we would also be walking around the duck pond as well.

I feel guilty that I took Austin's life away, he was so free spirited, bubbly and outgoing and I had to rip that away from him. How cruel am I.

I arrive back at the apartment, Trish wasn't there, and we had another argument again this morning. That's the second argument in less than a week. We have never done this before, that's my entire fault too.

What's wrong with me?