Chapter Twenty-five
…
"Doesn't it feel great to experience nature in the buff?" Zetsu asked.
Water lapped against Kakuzu's muscular legs as he waded towards the talking plant. He sat down, emerged in hot water to his chest, and let out a satisfied sigh. This hot spring felt so relaxing, it was almost worth the price of admission.
Tobi skipped across a series of boulders that marked the edge of the shallow part of the hot spring, an extension that had been excavated for people to relax in. A beautiful garden surrounded this area, the thick foliage providing cover from the eyes of the village residents. Tobi rolled up his trousers and dangled his bare legs into the water.
"Aren't you coming in?" Zetsu asked him.
He shook his head. "Tobi doesn't want to."
"This place costs money to visit. You're getting in, like it or not." Kakuzu snarled.
Tentacles shot up from underwater behind Tobi and wrapped around his waist, yanking him backwards into the deep section of the hot spring.
Tobi panicked, flailing around wildly. "Help! Tobi is not good at swimming."
A great white shark rose up beneath him. Tobi gripped its body with his legs and held onto its fin, riding the shark as it swam just below the surface of the large outdoor hot spring.
Kisame's head emerged from underwater, his beady eyes giving the old miser an accusing look. "That wasn't very nice, pulling Tobi-chan into the water."
"I didn't know he couldn't swim." Kakuzu growled.
"He can, he just needs arm bands."
"Deidara-sempai, look at me!" Tobi shouted joyfully. "I'm riding a shark!"
The short blonde man stood at the water's edge, in a pair of skimpy black swimming trunks.
"That looks dangerous un. You might get eaten." he warned.
"My summons won't attack any of you." Kisame promised.
Sasori was floating face down. He'd detached all his weaponry, leaving it in the locker room. He didn't want the metal to rust nor his poisons to leak into the hot spring and kill most of the occupants. A shark suddenly emerged and clamped its jaws around him.
"Oh crap! Tobi, get out before you get eaten too!" Deidara shouted.
"It's alright, he probably just mistook Sasori-san for some driftwood." Kisame said. "My sharks won't hurt anyone else."
"Tell it to let go of me." Sasori demanded.
Kisame called the shark over to him. "Drop it." he ordered. "Drop it!"
The shark shook its head, with Sasori still held firmly between its rows of sharp teeth.
"How am I supposed to play fetch with you when you always refuse to drop the stick?" Kisame complained.
"You are NOT playing fetch with my body." said Sasori angrily.
Kisame grabbed hold of a puppet leg and tugged but the shark bit harder, cracking Sasori's wooden body. Kisame started pulling with more force but this just caused the stubborn shark to bite down with the full might of its jaws, shattering Sasori into pieces. The splintered wood was scattered across the water before having a chance to reform into one whole piece.
Deidara paced the edge of the shark-infested waters, urging Tobi to get out.
"This is a good shark, it rescued Tobi from drowning." Tobi patted his aquatic mount. "Why don't you ride one? We can have a shark race, it'll be fun!"
A shark's fin emerged from the water just in front of Deidara. He stared at the dangerous beast, wasn't this the one that had just attacked his puppet partner? Against his better judgment, he clambered onto its broad back. For some reason, he just couldn't refuse Tobi when he wanted to play.
Itachi stepped into the hot spring. He waded towards the line of boulders and looked down at the other side, where the smooth stone floor dropped sharply leaving a deep expanse of clear blue water. Kisame's grinning face looked up at him as the shark-man treaded water.
"Stay in the deep side. Don't use any water jutsus. Don't splash water in my eyes. Don't try and use CPR." Itachi cautioned the blue-skinned ninja.
"He can use CPR on me." said Zetsu.
"Fine, but don't complain when he breaks all your ribs."
Kabuto was the last to enter, the white snake that was fused to his body wrapped around his waist. He slithered up to Kakuzu. The stitched man moved away from him, sitting very close to Zetsu for protection.
Zetsu patted Kakuzu reassuringly. "Don't worry about Kabuto." "I'll make sure he never touches you."
"Thanks." Kakuzu said gruffly.
Zetsu frowned, he'd have to waste one use of Shisui's eye later to make the creepy Sound-nin stop trying to molest people. At least he only had to keep Kabuto alive long enough to resurrect Hidan. It was difficult trying to act civil towards the smarmy medic when all he wanted to do was kill the bastard and devour his remains. He reminded himself that the longer he waited the more he'd savour the taste of his scaly carcass.
"Zetsu-sama… you're drooling." Kabuto told him.
"Mmmm, sorry." he wiped the saliva from his chin. "I was just thinking about having a delicious feast to celebrate Hidan's return."
"A waste of money." Kakuzu grumbled. "Why do we need a celebration for that idiot priest's return? The rest of us didn't get one."
"SHAAAARRRK RAAAAACCCE!" Tobi hollered at the top of his lungs.
"Go faster un!" Deidara urged his mount. His initial trepidation gone as the adrenaline surge from the sense of speed and danger kicked in.
His shark-mount gained on Tobi's and then took the lead. Just before he crossed the designated finish line, a third shark passed him swimming deep underwater. Kisame held onto its dorsal fin, kicking his legs rapidly.
The blue-skinned man surfaced with a happy smile and the great white shark he'd hitched a ride with popped its head out of the water, opening its maw in a terrifying grin. "It looks like we won." Kisame slung an arm around his shark summon, hugging it affectionately.
"No you didn't." Deidara protested. "The race was between me and Tobi un."
"Don't be a sore loser sempai, Kisame-san won." Tobi told him.
"Shut up or I'll blow you up!"
"Hey brat." Sasori's upper body floated nearby. "Are you going to gather the rest of me together or what?"
"Sure I will." Deidara agreed. "Master Kisame, will you bring me one of those nets from the side of the hot spring?"
"Bring Tobi one too. Tobi wants to go fishing for Sasori-bits."
Itachi glowered as Kisame neared him, his eyes swirling into mangekyo sharingan form.
"Don't give me that look Itachi-san, I'm only here to fetch some cleaning nets." Kisame clambered onto dry land and picked up a couple of long poles with nets on the end.
He jumped back into the hot spring, splashing water over everyone nearby. Itachi managed to close his eyes just before the water slapped him in the face, but was still annoyed by his friend's carelessness.
"Kisame." Itachi grated.
"I'm sorry." Kisame apologised. "Aren't you bored just sat there? You can ride one of my sharks if you want."
"Hn."
"No? Do you want to ride me?"
Itachi glared at him while Zetsu and Kabuto sniggered. That comment did sound a little dirty…
"I meant you can hang onto my back while I swim around. I can go really fast."
"Shut up Kisame."
"Yes Itachi-san."
Itachi relaxed once his partner had slunk back to the deep section, the big buffoon was always splashing water into his sensitive eyes.
He held one of his slender hands up, looking critically at the poor state of his nails. "We should head to a spa soon, I could do with a manicure."
"No, we shouldn't waste any more money today." Kakuzu said.
"Kakuzu is right." said Zetsu regretfully."We're a bit tight on cash since that slutty angel stole all our money." "You shouldn't be calling other people sluts, you're always sticking our dick into any guy that's willing."
"I'm going to tear that paper bitch apart." Kakuzu snarled. He'd saved up most of that money and was furious that Konan had ran off with it.
"I need to visit a spa." Itachi insisted. "My skin is all cracked because of that Edo Tensei technique. I'd like to get one of those mud baths."
"I'm the leader and I said no."
Itachi pouted, he didn't like not getting his own way. "I think it's odd that most of the Akatsuki voted for you to be our leader."
"Do you have a problem with me?"
Itachi took a moment to contemplate…
He supposed there could be worse people to have in charge. "I guess not."
"Good." "Now take off your swimming trunks."
Deidara and Tobi fished up as much puppet parts as they could before returning to dry land. They placed all the wooden pieces into a pile but nothing happened.
"Kabuto-sama, why isn't Master Sasori regenerating un?" Deidara asked, with a worried expression.
Kabuto smirked, pushing up his glasses. "I disabled his regenerative abilities the night he tried to poison me."
He didn't know how Sasori had managed to regain free-will, but knew it wasn't by using the hand seals which severed the bond between the undead and the one who summoned them. He still had some power over his former master and could cancel the technique at any time, sending his soul back to the world of the dead. The long, white snake he had fused with hissed gleefully and Kabuto stroked its head absentmindedly. Nobody knew the specific hand seals to free themselves from his control. He did have them written in one of his notebooks, but it was hidden in a place he was certain no one besides him would search - Orochimaru's underwear drawer.
Sasori used chakra strings to pull what was left of his body together. His abdomen and pelvic region had been destroyed, so he attached the remains of his legs to his upper body. "I don't care. I'll repair myself later." The odd-looking puppet scuttled around impatiently. "I've had enough of this place, let's go."
"We haven't been here long." Tobi complained. "I want to play some more."
"Me too un." Deidara added. He just loved playing games with Tobi.
They stayed for an hour more until most of the Akatsuki had had enough. Itachi had to threaten Kisame with tsukuyomi to get him to leave his natural habitat. Zetsu and Kakuzu headed straight to the marketplace while of the rest of them went to the hot spring's changing room. The naked duo strolled along casually, checking out the goods on display while the villagers checked out their goods on display.
They approached a market stall selling handbags and Zetsu grabbed a pink faux-leather one. "This looks fabulous." "Lend me some money Kakuzu."
Kakuzu grumbled but Zetsu was his boss after all. He haggled with the woman at the stall, who stared at his impressive weiner while blushing and stammering. She gave him 80% off the price of the bag which left Kakuzu in a cheerful mood. The stiches on his left arm opened and he reached into his skin, pulling out a banknote and handing it over before the slit in his arm sewed itself back up.
Zetsu remembered Mangetsu's request for bandages. He purchased several rolls and stuffed them into his handbag, then pranced after Kakuzu to a fabric stall with his cute pink bag in the crook of his arm.
"Hey handsome." He winked at the male stall attendant. "Do you dye stuff here?"
"Uh… yeah." the man confirmed.
Zetsu left the bandages soaking in a basin of pink dye, promising to return shortly.
Kakuzu sighed wistfully as he touched the fabrics in the stall. He supposed he'd have to give up his fashion design business now he realised being naked was the only way people could be free. He too left and caught up with the cannibal.
"Hey look." Zetsu nudged him. "The rest of the Akatsuki are here."
Kakuzu groaned. Just what he needed, more idiots begging him for money.
"Kakuzu-san, I want to buy some snacks." Kisame tried dragging him towards a street hawker that was selling fish.
The grumpy old man shook him off. "No, if you want fish catch them yourself."
Sasori rotated his head to look at Kakuzu. "Buy me some planks of wood so I can fix myself."
"No, chop down some trees if you want wood."
An angry Zetsu came in swinging his handbag at the two oldest members of the Akatsuki. "No trees will be killed while I'm in charge!"
Sasori scuttled away on all fours. "Don't hit an innocent maid!" the broken doll said indignantly.
"I've been told to buy nail polish, give me some money please." Kabuto held out his pale hand to Kakuzu.
The stitched man scowled but dropped a coin onto the scaly palm.
"I'll need more than that." Kabuto protested.
"No you won't, that's the exact amount."
"I want to buy a glittery one, they cost more."
Kakuzu ended up giving the medic-nin a few more coins, just so he'd leave him alone.
"I'm going to do the grocery shopping, come along Kakuzu-san." Deidara said, walking up to a fruit & veg stall and filling a shopping bag with produce.
"I hope you're not slobbering all over the food with your hand-mouths." Itachi said.
"Don't speak to me Uchiha." Deidara replied rudely.
"We don't need so much food." Kakuzu complained. If it was up to him he wouldn't waste money on feeding the resurrected Akatsuki.
"Yes we do un."
The creepy puppet-maid scurried around with an eerie rattling noise, climbing onto stalls and gathering up kitchen items to replace the stuff Temari had broken as well as some cleaning supplies.
Kakuzu chased after him. "We don't need to buy all those plates, what's wrong with eating off the floor?"
Tobi strolled around, whistling tunelessly. He purchased the entire Icha Icha series, wanting his own copies instead of having to steal Itachi's. He then approached a woman selling sweets.
"Give me all the candy you've got!" he threw a mass of money down onto the stall.
The street vendor opened her eyes wide. "S-sure." she frantically started gathering up the banknotes.
"Where did you get all that cash from?" Kakuzu demanded.
"It's the money Zetsu-san stole while you were dead. Kisame-san said I could keep hold of it." Tobi said proudly, this was the first time he had ever been responsible for the finances.
"Kisame you dumb fish, get here right now!" the stitched-up ninja roared.
The terror of the land and sea approached him, hanging his head in shame. He knew he was in big trouble.
"Explain yourself."
"Well, I thought it would be easier to store it all in his dimension instead of having to carry it around with us."
"That retard has no concept of money. I'm not sure if he can even count past ten."
"That's not true" Kisame defended his friend. "The only reason he thinks sweets cost so much is because that's what you told him. You shouldn't have cheated him out of his wages by giving him a handful of toffees and chocolate instead of money."
"Don't try and blame this on me." Kakuzu growled. "Tobi, you can't have all those sweets. Give me the money."
Tobi shook his head. "You cheated me out of my wages?"
"Just hand over the money! You're not allowed any, ever!"
"You're a big fat meanie!"
"Tobi. The money. Now!"
A swirling cloud of banknotes appeared from the eyehole of Tobi's mask. He took a deep breath, lifted his mask, and breathed out a huge spurt of flames. The money all burnt to a crisp.
"If Tobi doesn't get paid then nobody does!" Tobi yelled and ran away, with tears streaming from his mismatched eyes.
Kakuzu had a mental breakdown.
...
Please review.