The Smashing Bumpkins

by sandwichsupernova

Confusion abounds at the luxurious Smashgrounds! Link and Zelda investigate why they are forced to fight. Mario's alcoholism leaves Peach single and Luigi in charge. Pikachu trolls his former trainer. Samus struggles with lost memories. Mega Man's the new kid on the block. Ganon works on his Smash Sisters eroge. Yoshi steals panties. And where does Snake fit into all this?

25. Kickstart My Heart

A/N: Thanks for your patience! Ahh! Sorry this one is so behind!

Lot of stuff going on in my life, and that incredible Smash 3DS Demo isn't helping! :O Especially since my primary main since Melee has been Link and he is SO FRACKING GOOD now! I can finally wreck shit with my longtime main… plus one of his customs is Meteor Smash Bombs (WHAT). I'm also super in love with Mega Man's playstyle, and have had a lot of success with him. Can't wait to play Kirby (N64 main), Peach (Melee second main), Dedede and Olimar (my other Brawl mains), and Palutena, what with her awesome Custom Moves. *drool* I want to see if I can main her, actually, for reasons not completely unrelated to my love of the character in general. So yeah. Due to my Smash obsession, when the 3DS version comes out in the USA, I may have to either release shorter chapters or update less often. Sorry about that.

It's my goal though to resolve this first major saga very soon, hopefully within the next week or two. I'm going to post my FC on my profile too.

Also, I reworked this chapter (twice) because I wasn't happy with it, so that added to the delay. It's also the longest one yet with a whopping nine acts, boasting a ton of Zelda in it and some serious-ish stuff as well, so prepare for a doozy.

Shameless self-promotion: Special sale! My science fiction ebook, "Raine VS The End of the World", is available to download for FREE on Amazon until 9/24 (if you miss this, send me a PM and I'll let you know when I have another giveaway). You don't need a Kindle or smartphone to read it - you can download and read it on your computer anytime. If you like the ebook, it's also recently become available in paperback format as well. Since the site doesn't allow links in actual chapters, you can find a link to the e-book on my author profile. Enjoy!

Meowkerz: Thanks for the review! Very happy you're still reading! Awww, it's cool. I'm not exactly sure why I lack reviews either, since there's definitely a lotta traffic coming to the fic. But worry not! The Female Villager, Nana, and ROB are still alive and well. They're just at the Smashgrounds still, and didn't exactly join in on the adventure. We'll see what they're up to pretty soon (may be two updates from this one).

sippurp123: Thanks as always for your review! Glad you liked Zelda's memory! There's plenty more where that came from (maybe too much, haha!). Snake and Samus aren't in this one as much but I haven't forgotten about them. :) Sorry again about the delay, but I really hope you like this chapter. :O

---

Chapter Twenty-Five

Kickstart My Heart

I. Looks That Kill

Snoop Dogg's "Gin and Juice" blasted from the cell phone for a good few seconds before it was answered.

The groan that greeted the caller came from none other than Shigeru Miyamoto.

"These all-nighters are taking their toll, puppet master. Or were you aware that it's literally six in the morning?" asked the Nintendo Legend as he proceeded to water the tomatoes growing in his backyard.

"If you don't mind my saying so, you picked up on the third ring, sir," Masahiro Sakurai observed from the other end. "Somehow I sense that you were already awake."

"Well, of course I was awake, but that's beside the point," Miyamoto laughed. "God Himself would be up all night, knowing what's at stake. Is it time?"

"Yes, sir."

"Very well. I've ingested some mushrooms and my home set-up is already calibrated. I just need to finish this patch of the garden."

"Good luck, sir."

"Let's hope we don't need it as much as I fear we do."

After ending the call, Miyamoto took another look around as the sun began to creep out just above the horizon. There was nothing better than watching the sunrise while under the influence of shrooms, but there was work to be done, and lots of it. He took off his gardening gloves, rain boots, and overalls, stepped into his office, lay down in his recliner, put on the movement-reading Haptic gloves and Virtual Reality helmet, and plugged himself into the Smash Bros. Sub-Universe, an extension of Nintendo's Primary CAST Server, only patched through Namco-Bandai's Network.

---

Meanwhile, in Nintendo's HQ in Kyoto…

Satoru Iwata painstakingly inspected the source codes of Omega Ruby and Sapphire for any unnecessary strings. (Fun fact: according to "Iwata Asks", it was only through a days-long marathon session by Mr. Iwata, a legendary coder who could compile and compress like a champ, that the original Pokemon Silver could include both Kanto and Johto.) Though Nintendo's CEO had a plethora of other issues to worry about, Mr. Iwata found that nothing calmed his restless mind more than streamlining code, and he was willing to do anything to keep his mind off of the drama currently tearing apart the Smash Bros. Sub-Universe and its overflow of CAST representatives.

At last, the ring came on his telephone. The weary voice of Satoru's overworked secretary sounded out. "Sir, we've just received the data from the servers. Mr. Miyamoto has plugged in."

"Thank you," said Iwata. He closed his Pokemon file and cracked his fingers, before equipping Haptic gloves of his own and putting the Virtual Reality helmet on his head.

I see what the two of you are trying to do, he thought. Your soft spot is showing, Shiggy. But the company's bottom line comes first. I will not bend to your ideals, nor risk another game delay.

This will not be tolerated.

---

Mega Man and Son Goku (whose consciousness was inhabiting Sakurai's Mii Fighter) snuck past several hordes of guards in the shady castle, only to arrive at the kitchen pantry.

"Wait…" Mega Man said, noticing all the human food suddenly piled wall-to-wall, and the speed with which his companion was devouring everything in sight. "Weren't we supposed to be out helpin' the Pokemon?"

"Thish ish mmf moment, Mmmga Mmnn," Masahiro Sakurai's Mii Fighter mumbled. "Take ffffve."

"All right," the android said with a sigh. He soon stumbled upon a rather interesting map set on the wall, presumably to help lost tourists to find their way back to their tour groups.

The android was quite shocked upon seeing that the castle had such a labyrinthine structure.

"What the eff is this shit?" he complained. "Okay, first of all, there's no bathrooms. But then, I guess vampires don't need to poop. But ugh, what horrid interior decorating. Talk about gaudy. There's so many halls that just lead to absolutely nowhere. Where I come from, evil castles are designed with purpose, dammit."

"Cmmn yrr fnnnd thh Commnnd Rhmm?" Goku asked while stuffing his face.

"The Command Room?" Mega Man replied, and then spotted it almost immediately. "Hold up. It's… it's… wow. They retrofitted a little chapel in back o' the Cathedral. It's literally two stories up, from a spiral staircase past the next hallway. We'll be there in no time."

The Blue Bomber began to pace the room; he accidentally hit a wall with his gun-arm, which prompted the bricks to reveal themselves as illusory and leave behind a giant turkey leg.

Goku was gleeful. "Ah'll take that!"

At long last, Mega Man was able to drag Goku into the next room, which led to the elevator. It turned out to be a hallway filled with partying Cuccos.

It was an unbelievable sight. Cuccos were clubbing it out on the dance floor, pecking at drinks at the bar, or passed out in nesting boxes or futons after having smoked some opium, while others were doing the Limbo or each other in rather short-lived and disturbing displays of Cucco debauchery. A Flying Man from Earthbound took the stage as a DJ, playing the 'Chicken Dance'.

Sure, the duo got some weird looks, but the birds appeared content to let them walk through their pleasure room, the floor of which was covered in caked-on layers of Cucco crap. After all, it surely wasn't every day these schmucks had visitors.

They were almost completely through to the other side when Mega Man noticed Son Goku's mouth watering as he gazed upon several Cuccos emerging from a steam sauna.

"Look away, Son Goku. If you value your life, look the fuck away."

"You don't know the kind of hunger I'm feelin' right now, man."

"Nah, but I do know somethin' about pain, and these guys are more than capable of bringin' it."

"They won't notice just one."

"YES THEY WILL!"

C'mon, man, you're one of my idols. Don't do it. Please. Have just a teensy bit of self-restraint.

But the Super Saiyan's appetite could not be satisfied. He grabbed the next Cucco that exited the steam sauna and shoved the entire living bird in his mouth.

The feathered fowl flapped and flailed about, but the Mii Fighter punched his own cheeks until the bird went silent and blood spurted from his lips.

When the first of the red droplets hit the floor, every being in the room heard it.

Menacing eyes stared down Goku as tens of thousands of Cuccos all turned towards him, yet he remained oblivious.

"Mmmmm, tastes just like chicken!"

Mega Man scrunched up his face and took a deep breath, though it was just a symbolic gesture as breathing was not on the list of things he needed to do to survive. He then grabbed his companion and dashed forward as a sea of furious birds chased them down.

"What's the deal—OH."

"RUN!" Mega Man yelled. He dragged Goku through the next room as the swarm rapidly caught up with them.

---

The screams and moans of Palutena's latest orgasm rudely woke the rather attractive blue-haired woman she was ogling from her slumber.

With no further ado, a Parallel Falchion slashed through the membrane of the amniotic sac, prompting another symphony of blaring alarms.

Lady Fi whistled a short tune to stop the alarms, which only drew more attention to the mystery woman's fit of rage as she sliced open the tubes connecting her to the Source.

"What the hell? Is this someone's idea of a joke?"

Now spent, Lady Fi stood to address the Newcomer.

The words that attempted to leave Mother CAST's lips were "Welcome to the Smash Universe, Lucina."

Only, they didn't come out that way.

"PRAISE THE HELIX! You're the man now, dog. You and your first world problems, you fatherless harlot. Tits or GTFO, there's no girls on teh Intarwebs."

Oh snap, thought Pit.

Lucina raged at the silver maiden. "What's the meaning of this? Just who the hell do you think I am?"

But Lady Fi simply twitched as if she were having a complete breakdown. "Your tears, let me drink them. Within my bronzed bowels, they shall age like fine wine. Honey badger don't give a shit."

At this, the swordswoman was about ready to raise her blade, but Lady Fi's legs' energy having been spent, she kind of wobbled in place before collapsing on her knees.

"One-zero-zero, one-zero-zero, one," said poor Mother CAST before she randomly shat out an entire Commodore 64.

"I… do believe I may have fucked her senseless," Palutena observed with some worry.

"Er, sorry about Lady Fi," Pit replied, checking the skies again. "But we've got a nuclear missile to catch up to. I'm Pit. This here's Dark Pit, and Lady Stardust-"

"Wait! I've changed my mind. I am now 'The Goddess Formerly Known as Palutena'."

"Uh, WHATEVER. Come join us, miss-?"

"Lucina." Her eyes darted around the freaky crew. "I'm not going anywhere without my father. Where is he?"

"Er… if he's anywhere around here, he won't be much longer… at least, not unless we do something about that," Dark Pit insisted, pointing at the approaching missile.

"So I've no choice. Let us not tarry," uttered Lucina with a grimace at her new companions.

After stealing a cigarette from Dark Pit, Palutena hobbled on over and held Lucina up by the chin. She got a good look into the girl's eyes.

"My gosh, you're even more adorable up-close! Let me guess, you're a tsundere type, yes?"

"If you'd like to keep that hand, I'd suggest withdrawing it," growled Lucina.

"Kuudere, then," Palutena said with an even bigger grin. Her eyes grew to the size of large tea saucers. "I can't wait to break down the walls around your heart and draw the loving side out of you~"

"LADIES!" Dark Pit yelled, veins popping from his forehead. "LET'S MOVE!"

With a convulsing Lady Fi draped over his shoulders, Pit, Dark Pit, Lucina, and Palutena all glided through the Birthing Chamber, passing many recently-burst Amniotic Sacs as they raced the descending missile to the Shield Silo.

It's a good thing we released all the other Pokemon on our way down here, thought Dark Pit. These three crazy bitches are seriously slowing us down.

The eyeless Mother CAST was telepathically spouting a spastic mess of random dialogue strings. "Nicolas Cage is my husbando. There is a 0.000142 percent chance that we are all just cosmic fragments on a microscopic level in a game of marbles being played in a Divine Being's dream. Coincidentally, Rosebud is the sled. If Discworld is real, then what happens when the giant elephants poop?"

"Ahhh, that platinum pussy felt fucking amazing," Palutena said. She was still riding the afterglow of her incredible orgasms as she puffed on her American Spirit cigarette.

"Everything's gotta be a disaster with you," grumbled Dark Pit, who checked the number of sticks left in his pack. "It's one thing to be a total nympho slutbag, and quite another to fuck us all over by short-circuiting Mother… but STEALING MY FUCKING CIGS? That takes the cake!"

"Tut-tut," the Goddess Formerly Known As Palutena replied. "Just think of it as me giving your lungs a break."

Pit nearly slipped on the fluids oozing out from the recently vacated sacs. He caught a glimpse of an anime-styled swordsman standing in something that looked like a teleporter. The man, clad in red, gazed upon them and gasped.

"Just a cotton-pickin' minute! You guys aren't supposed to be here! I'ma tell the boss!"

But Dark Pit's arrow shot in his direction. The guy swatted it away with one of his two swords and nimbly pulled a toggle. He vanished from the tube in a flash of light.

"Who was that?" Pit asked.

"Lloyd from Tales of Symphonia. He's a total Developers' pet," replied Dark Pit. He gazed back up at the missile, which was now about a thousand feet away. "All right, here's the plan. Palutena, you and I are gonna fly up there. Using your magic and my biceps, we'll hold the missile back. Pit, you've got the single most important job here. You two will take Lady Fi to a little hut outside the Silo. You'll know it by the neon sign that says 'BWB'. You've gotta convince the people there to fix her up – our lives depend on it. Oh, and wear this."

He handed Pit a fedora, which the angel squinted at.

"Uh, not a particular fan of fedoras."

"No time for questions, fruitcake. It's a signal to the others in my Order. Put it on."

Palutena unceremoniously shoved the hat onto Pit's head, and then kissed him deeply with tongue. Now her saliva tasted of the trace metals from Fi's privates.

"Take care of yourself, babushka," she said with a wink.

With that, Dark Pit and Palutena launched into the air and flew towards the missile.

Pit wished he could fly unaided, too. Take care of yourself, milady.

"All right, Mother CAST," he said, letting Lady Fi down on the ground. "Think you can walk?"

But the shining being only sank down and sat on her lovely ballerina legs.

"Walk without rhythm, and you won't attract the worm. The opposite of Christopher Reeve is Christopher Walken. Let's Ask Jeeves: were the Titans genetically engineered? Maybe VG Cats has it right and Eren's basement is just filled with daddy's old porno mags. Ridley is clearly a playable boss, a stage hazard, and a DLC character. Inb4 lurkmoar."

"What is this iron beast? I have never seen its make," said Lucina. "Perhaps she needs a healer."

"Apparently, she's our Mother."

"Nonsense!" Lucina exclaimed.

"Think you can help me out?" asked Pit, who was trying to pull Lady Fi forward.

Try as they might, the angel and the swordswoman could not get her to budge. After shaking his head again, Pit once again hoisted the heavy metal lady up on his shoulders and carried her out of the front doors of the humongous glass structure hosting the countless pods.

The Silo loomed less than five hundred meters ahead. He struggled with each step, while Lucina strode calmly and purposefully beside him.

"Where are we going, exactly?"

"Thataway, I think."

"How reassuring."

---

II. She Goes Down

"Andy! Come in, Andy!" Commander Nell called into the comm. channel.

But the Orange Star Commanding Officer failed to respond. The Wars forces at Silo Gamma had been crushed by a sudden influx of Pit's remaining Pokemon.

Robin rapped his fingers against the control panel at the Battle station. Being the Tactical Commander in charge of the entire Moon Ground Forces was a crucial position for sure, one that demanded his utmost concentration. As such, he needed to be kept fellated at all times.

Ignoring the slurping sounds, the other Commanding Officers were in a panic commanding their combined forces. It really didn't help that the Wars Units were tiny compared to the invading Pokemon.

The samurai-like Kanbei exclaimed at the real-time holographic map of the Moon. "Sir, that new wave of Pokemon has almost taken the Second Silo!"

"My bombers are refueling," said Eagle, the aerial ace. "Just give the order, sir. We can carpet bomb those fools!"

"It's not worth losing the facilities. Send in the Weezings and Muks, let's fight them with biological warfare. Kanbei, shift those Medusa Heads to the back lines and push forward with the Megatanks. Grit, you'll follow with your Artillery," he said, rather bored, before looking under his desk.

"A little more tongue and suction, baby," he said to the woman currently bobbing up and down on his member. At this, she withdrew her mouth and drank a little more warm tea.

Robin gazed lovingly upon his fraternal twin, his female counterpart and lover, the long-haired Robyn, though the fellow tactician preferred that her friends address her by 'Yoko', as it emphasized the 'Y' that made the doppelgangers distinct.

"Megatanks may not be the best course of action," Yoko told him. "Once they get through that narrow gate, movement and restocking will be tough."

"Relax," he replied, guiding her head back to where he wanted it most. "You can give the orders next turn."

"Fiiiiiiiiiine," she said, and returned to sucking him off while the other COs in the room kind of stood around awkwardly.

"SIR! A portal has opened! One of our mega-nukes is incoming!" exclaimed Sonja over the radio.

Robin reclined. "We just can't catch a break, eh? Can we get Ridley to pick it up?"

"Negative, sir!" replied Commander Nell, who was remotely taking charge of the space battle. "Director Sakurai's orders: Ridley's to stay by the front lines."

"Right. Eagle, send out your fighters to intercept the missile."

"Yes, sir!"

"Hold yer Ponytas, does anybody else hear that infernal clucking?" asked Grit, who was chewing some tobacco.

He creaked open one of the double doors leading to the hallway, but just then they swatted open with the force of a thousand Cuccos, slamming him against the wall.

"GET OUTTA THE WAY!" Mega Man screamed. With Goku by his side, he power-slid across the floor, upturned a desk, and used it as cover.

Bird crap and razor-sharp talons plastered the COs, many of which died on the spot.

"What's going on?!" Sonja called over the radio.

"I'm one of you! Don't kill me!" yelled Eagle. Four dozen Cuccos violently picked him up, flew him up to the top of the room, and dropped him. He fell fifty feet and impaled his heart on an underused letter spike.

"NOT TODAY!" Sami yelled. The troop specialist took out about twenty birds with her machine gun before they were able to flood her face and rip her brain matter out of her nostrils.

Commander Nell sprayed as many Cuccos as she could with her fire extinguisher before the deadly birds knocked her into the stained-glass windows, where she fell to her doom.

Somehow, both Robin and Robyn, covering one another back-to-back, were able to use their myriad charged and uncharged Thunder, Arcfire, and Elwind spells to toast, incinerate, electrocute, or otherwise kill the attacking Cuccos.

We need an exit strategy, Mega Man thought. In between all the chaos, he noted from the hole in the castle that they were overlooking the Silos.

"We gotta make a run for it," he told Son Goku. "You'll just grab onto me like a little baby in your arms, fly outta that window, and we're home free-"

"Dude, I can't fly, remember? Mashpotato Samurai's got my body."

"Well, there's that. Okay. Plan B. Have ya got any LSD?"

"FREEZE!" commanded a rather beleaguered-looking Robin, who tossed away his empty spellbook. He held his Levin Sword up against the Blue Bomber. All the attacking Cuccos had either retreated, leapt out the window, or been fried beyond recognition.

"Ya know, it is kinda chilly in here," said Mega Man, who held his arms in the air and tried to ignore the woman sucking on his opponent's penis.

Son Goku stood up from behind the table as well, and raised his fists. "If it's a fight you want, man, we're both fresh and ready to go. But see, we don't wanna fight. All we want is… what do we want again?"

"Goku here wants his body back," said Mega Man. "And I was gonna ask for y'all to answer for my buddies Shrek and Rayman, but seeing as, like, a dozen of ya died just now… well, I'd be cool just gettin' back to my friends."

"Oh, what's the use?" said Robin, and lowered his sword. "The Silos are lost, and in a few minutes, that nuke is gonna wipe out the whole facility. Just let us finish up here and – OH! Yeah, baby! Use the back of your throat, precisely like that! Yeah… jus' let me finish and… AH! AH! I'll take you to the—COME ON BABY DON'T STOP! DON'T STOP!"

Mega Man looked on, rather disturbed at the sight of two gender-swapped avatars doin' the nasty. "Are you guys, like, related, or something? You look pretty similar."

"Related? No," said Son Goku. "They are literally male and female versions of the same character. It's basically selfcest."

"Selfcest? The fuck?" Mega Man exclaimed.

"It's a thing! Look it up on – OHHH! – Urban Dictionary or tumblr!" Robin yelled.

Mega Man did so using his retinal browser. "Wow, that's some twisted shit!"

Robin grabbed Robyn's head and pumped against her tongue. "Judgmental robot! We love each other! That's all that counts! AHHH!"

He splooged into her mouth most satisfyingly.

---

Meanwhile, atop OG Great Fox, Wolf and Zombified Leon were having a domestic argument.

"What is this really about?" asked Wolf, who'd unclenched his fists and took to pacing around the small, thin space atop the mothership.

"You promised you'd be more present," the chameleon said. "But I never see you! Despite not being on the roster, you're at the Smashgrounds, like, every other day! Meanwhile, I'm sittin' there in my condo in the city, gazing out the glass window, sobbing, eating Greek yogurt all day-"

"I'm working, Leon! Don't you understand? I'm scheduled there! I work the green screens and manage the item inventory!"

"Well, you could at least call me once in a while! I am the Great Leon!"

"I know you are, baby. I know," Wolf replied, and took his lover's hands in his own.

In the middle of the chaos erupting all around them, they kissed, and Wolf savored Leon's probing tongue tickling all over his mouth.

---

On the bridge of Bowser's Airship, Link was frantically trying to pull everyone together to prepare for combat.

"Bowser Junior really was killed that day," Ike told Link. "He remembers the whole scene, and respawning in some strange place filled with big red egg-shaped sacs, but other than that we've only got little glimpses, selective fragments. His memories were wiped, just like ours."

"Thanks, Ike," said Link, still using his spyglass. "I suspected something like that. Wait. What's… is it just me, or is Wolf making out with that chameleon fella?"

He handed the spyglass to Ike.

"Definitely. Damn. I guess I owe Olimar fifty coins."

Peach ran out onto the deck with Franklin Badges for both Link and Ike.

"Save them for when we really need 'em," she said with a wink, and ogled Ike's manly chest.

Link pocketed his Badge. "Thanks, Peach. Have you seen Zelda?"

The princess twiddled her thumbs. "Er, that's the other thing. She's in the middle of some kind of mind-meld thingy with someone named 'Impa'. She asked to be left alone."

Impa! Link thought in shock. That name's familiar. But if she isn't with us, then that must mean she's on the other side.

"All right, Ike. Take over the deck for me."

"Link, wait-" she called, and went after him.

Princess Toadstool followed the Hylian into the bridge and down the hallway to Bowser's Captain's Quarters. Link put his hand on the door and creaked it open.

The room was covered in posters of '70s and '80s guitar icons. Zelda was sitting on the Koopa King's meditation pillows, which were set up on the Abomasnow carpet amidst his hookah and bean bags.

Link felt a tug on the back of his tunic.

"She'll be okay," Peach said. "Trust her."

I hope you know what you're doing. I don't know if you can hear me, Link thought, unsure if Zelda would pick up on it. You have the right to the truth. Just be careful.

In truth, Zelda could hear Link's thoughts, but she had to file them away into a "process later" folder in order to focus on the sensations currently at hand.

Thank you for this opportunity, she told Impa.

Don't think of me. Just listen. I've led you to your wellspring, but now I have to leave. There's a battle to organize. I don't suggest you go in so deep that you lose yourself.

Zelda breathed deeply. Duly noted. If I start to lose my grip, I'll just remember that Link's waiting for me.

---

III. Home Sweet Home

1997

"How long have you had these feelings for me?" asked Link.

Zelda kissed him again, and gently twirled the ends of Link's hair between her fingers. "Since, like, always."

"How come you never told me?"

"I dunno. I was scared. I was proud. How come you never asked?"

"I was scared too! I didn't want to lose you as a friend."

"Was I not worth the risk?"

"Clearly not," he teased, and kissed her again. "Which is why I'm totes not making out with you right now."

After their epic make-out session, Link and Zelda held hands as they rode Epona back to Hyrule Castle. As they got close, they spotted Ruto angrily driving away in a wireframe kart racer she got from the Mario Kart realm. Link waved, but she must not have seen him.

"I wonder what that was about?" asked Zelda, who was no longer shy about leaning on Link as she rode side-saddle.

Upon entering the main hall, the duo heard a bit of a ruckus as Malon appeared to be ranting at Ganondorf.

"It's gotta be a monster down there! C'mon, all I want is just a glimpse! Just whip it out for me!"

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Whazza matter, you queer or something?"

"No, no, no. I like you a lot, Malon. Maybe if we got to know each other a little better-"

"That's what you said to Ruto and Anju! You've known us for over a year now; that excuse won't fly anymore! If you're not interested, just say so!"

Ganon raised his voice to scary levels. "But I am, dammit! Stop putting words in my mouth!"

"How stupid are you? Don't you get how this works? I would have taken your cock up my ass if you wanted, you fucking nerd!"

"GET OUT!" he screamed. His yell was followed by a loud sound, as if he'd split a boulder.

Malon was only so happy to oblige. "Gladly! I was just on my way out, you prude!"

The orange-haired woman marched past Link and Zelda, blushing as she ran past them on the way to the front door.

Zelda squeezed Link's arm, somewhat afraid, but the Hero of Time walked forward to see their friend.

Ganon sat back down at his computer station, guzzled a can of Mountain Dew, and returned to his game of Command and Conquer. When Link entered the large chamber and saw the huge crack splitting one of the main pillars holding up the castle's massive roof, the Gerudo didn't even turn from his screen.

"Heya, Ganon."

"Sup."

"Not too much. Zelda and I just got back from the lake."

Ganon turned to his friends, and his brow appeared to furrow. Zelda sensed that he'd seen right through their ruse, that from the remnants of lipstick marks on Link's face, the princess' distinct purple dress, and her carefully layered makeup (usually she'd go with a mostly natural look), he'd become aware of the change in their relationship, but it was just a feeling.

"So, uh, how much of that did you guys hear?"

Zelda averted her eyes. "I do believe we arrived at 'I bet you have a monster down there'."

"Fuck."

"Hey, she was being a total bitch," said Link. "I feel responsible, having introduced you guys."

But Ganon waved him away. "It's cool, man. Just like Nabooru and Aveil, she's got a problem respecting other people's personal space."

"We saw Ruto leaving on the way in," the curious Zelda pressed, but Link discreetly squeezed her hand to tell her to lay off.

I was so naïve back then, Zelda realized. I didn't much realize the effect my careless words had on others.

Ganon sighed. "She couldn't handle the truth – that she smelled like a fish."

Link bit his tongue to keep from laughing, but ended up laughing anyway.

"Ganon!" cried Zelda. "That's like the most offensive thing you could say to a Zora!"

"Just be glad you never Frenched one," Ganon replied. "Anyway, I've gotta get back to my game. Thanks for checkin' up on me, though."

Link and Zelda exchanged hesitant glances.

At last, Link cleared his throat. "What do you say to a round of mini-golf? We could hit up Mario-"

"Ah. Maybe later. I… would rather be alone right now."

Still a bit concerned, the duo bid their buddy goodbye and headed upstairs, where they had a pillow fight, shared some raspberry tea, cuddled on Zelda's sofa, and took turns reading poetry to one another.

The next few days were utter bliss for the princess. She and Link spent every possible moment together, and as their love grew, so too did the princess' sex drive.

Once, as Link was giving Zelda a back massage, he brought up a point to Zelda that had her back tense up.

"It's a delicate situation. You, Ganon, and I… I'd always thought of us three as childhood friends. Isn't it kinda dangerous to mess with that status quo?"

"He'll understand," said Zelda. "At least, I hope he will. Pretty sure he knows I think of him as an older brother."

"That's how I feel, too. He's always been a great friend. Let's tell him tomorrow."

And so they did, though it took them all day to do it.

The trio sat awkwardly at the dinner table. The King was out on the town as usual and rarely joined them for meals, so they dined at an unusually long table, with their food produced by the castle servants.

"Hey, Ganon, there's something we'd like to tell you," Link said.

"Go ahead, man," said Ganon in between bites of his fried octorok tentacles.

"Ah, well, it's like this. Zelda and I… we're dating now."

Ganon put on a too-wide smile. "I had a feeling. You two have been awfully close lately."

Zelda piped in. "We were both a little worried-"

"About what? Ha! I'm very happy for you guys. Really, I am. Damn straight. This has been years in the making."

The Gerudo King stood and gave both of his friends light hugs, before returning to his meal.

WAIT! I remember what comes next! Oh, Zelda, why did you have to be so stupid…

As Zelda tried telling him how cool he was for understanding and how she hoped nothing would change between the trio, however, Ganon became visibly uneasy. Perhaps it was the sound of her voice, something that would only affect him if it had some sort of special meaning to him.

It was clear that just staying there was difficult for him. Ganon ended up prematurely excusing himself from the table and leaving the room.

Despite Ganon's best efforts to conceal his emotions, Zelda couldn't help but notice that this final revelation, the nail in the coffin of his chances with her, hit their friend like a ten-ton bag of bricks.

Have you had feelings for me, too, Ganon? If so… I'm a fool to never have noticed them.

Link took Zelda's hand to calm her.

"He'll be all right. It might take some time."

She nodded. "It's better that we told him, rather than having him find out on his own."

---

IV. You're All I Need

On the second to last day before Link was scheduled to leave, the duo were in bed together, wearing their pajamas after having watched "Before Sunrise" with Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy. As they cuddled in each other's arms and looked one another in the eye intensely, the princess popped the inevitable question.

"Link?"

"Yeah?"

"I… I want to go all the way with you."

"Princess? Are you sure? Isn't this your first-"

"Shh," she replied with a finger on his lips. "I just can't resist you anymore."

"I'm not sure if you understand what-"

"Oh, trust me, I understand. And if you don't want to… well, that's fine with me, too. I did kind of throw this on you out of left field, after all."

"No, no… it's not weird or anything. If you want to… I definitely do, too," replied Link. "I just… the last few days have been so wonderful. I guess I'm still sort of in disbelief. You always felt so unattainable. Looking back on it now, I'm pretty sure Ganon felt the same way too."

Zelda's lips went from a smile to a neutral position. She ran a hand along the inside of his thigh.

"There might be other women in this 'Smash Bros.' universe. I don't want to lose you to them."

"Pretty sure it's gonna be a small, exclusive club. I don't think Samus is interested."

"Quite the contrary. You amuse her. And she asked if we were together."

"If you're asking me to be exclusive, you've got my promise that I will be," Link said, offering his pinky.

She stared at the little finger. "You… you don't have to rush into anything you're not ready for just to prove yourself. Right now-"

"Hey. If it's an obligation, it's not a commitment from the heart. This is something I want to do now, for myself as much as you, princess. Which is why I want to make such a big deal out of it."

They crossed pinkies to seal the deal, and Link swallowed the lump in his throat, a telltale sign to Zelda that he probably was not ready to be hers for life.

"Make your princess one more promise."

"Uh, kay."

"No matter what happens between us," said Zelda, "We'll be friends forever."

"Of course," he said, and it appeared to Zelda that he felt relieved. "I guess in the worst-case, we could always be childhood friends with benefits."

Zelda kissed him again. "Thank you. And yeah, regarding what you said earlier… it might be difficult for Ganon. But ultimately, I think he'll be happy for us."

"Or he'll hate us forever, erase his memory, and become an uber-nerd."

Zelda kissed Link deeper than ever before. This time, he got the message.

She unbuttoned his pajama top and trembled as she felt his bare chest against her palms. Link did the same, unbuttoning her top and gazing upon her luscious 34 DDs (she wasn't wearing a bra).

"I am so not worthy," he said, but she gently pushed the back of his head down onto her flesh, and he began licking around her nipples. His other hand gently groped her other breast, and the princess squirmed in position.

"Ah, s-s-sorry, it's a bit too much!" she said, her cheeks as pink as he'd ever seen them.

The princess pointed to her neck, and Link moved in and gave her a serious hickey.

"Oh!" she cried as he kissed all over her neck and shoulders. "You're soaking my panties…"

Link mischievously moved down her body to her pajama bottoms and worked on carefully removing them.

He ran his bare hands over her luscious thighs; they were silky and perfectly shaped.

"AHH! It tickles!" she exclaimed as Link began kissing the insides of her thighs.

Link's hands expertly explored her legs and hips as he tickled her entire body, tantalizingly, with his lips and tongue. She shuddered and shivered a bit, to which he slowed down.

"Do you like this combo?" he asked as he returned to kissing and touching her nipples while he ran his free hand teasingly near her love mound.

Zelda nodded.

"Tell me what it is you like."

"I… I really like it when you're touching me like that."

"Touching you where?"

"My… breasts."

"And where else?"

"M-m-mmmmy pu-ssssy."

"Good," he said, and moved his fingers over her lower lips. He pushed the heel of his palm up against the space just above the top of her clitoral hood and rubbed ever so gently, all the while stroking her outer labia.

"You weren't kidding: you're soaked through!"

"Oh, baby! Stop teasing me so!"

But Link just shook his head. "How can I stop? The teasing has only just begun."

After pulling down her panties and freeing her clitoris with his thumb, Link licked his fingers and advanced to using his index and middle digits on Zelda's upper quadrant, seeking out the area with the most nerve endings by studying his partner's reactions, all the while applying pressure to her pelvic bone with the heel of his palm.

In just a few minutes, Zelda was on the verge of coming. "Oh, Goddess! How is this possible? AHHH!"

Just when she was on the edge, Link stopped and winked.

"You… no… don't stop…" she whined.

"There's no coming until I take you to the edge," he told her, brandishing a Rok's feather from his pocket.

With his right hand, Link rubbed along Zelda's outer lips by making soft circles just above the surface. He then used the Rok's Feather in his left to trace lines all over her body. As she began squirming uncontrollably, his right hand held her down. Even though his muscles were chiseled, the princess was amazed at how gentle Link could be, how patient and thorough his technique was.

He'd taken her to the edge of orgasming for a good ten minutes before even attempting penetration. When Zelda could take no more, Link licked his lips and went down under with them. His tongue worked effortlessly against Zelda's clit, and his index finger alone penetrated as deeply as it could, tapping the edge of the princess' hymen. She didn't last long before she convulsed in a wave of spasms and came furiously against her lover.

After this, Zelda rode the wave of ecstasy for quite some time. Link plopped down next to her, smiling.

"That was… the best orgasm… I ever had…" she told him, and meant it a hundred percent.

"I'm glad," he said. "Do you want to keep going?"

She nodded sheepishly, and then pushed down Link's pajama bottoms, freeing his fully-erect dick.

Upon seeing its seven-inch length and sizable girth, she became more than slightly terrified.

"I don't think that's going to fit."

"It'll fit. It might just be a bit painful at first. The trick is to try not to tense up your muscles. Tell me when I need to go slow," he informed her.

The princess nodded. "Kay."

"We can wait a while if you're tired," he said, but she shook her head.

"Fuck me, baby. I want it in me, now."

"You want… what in you?" asked the Hylian.

"You know! Your cock!"

"Say it."

"I want your cock inside me, Linkie. I want you to fuck me hard."

"As you wish."

To which Link assumed the position between Zelda's legs. He pushed her legs back towards her shoulders and rubbed up against her opening. Her clit was still immensely sensitive, so just the feeling of his cock against it had her shuddering.

"Ah…"

"I'm going in now, slowly. Tell me if it's too much."

"I can take it. Just… put it in!" she huffed.

Zelda wrapped her legs around Link's back as he angled himself against her. He eased his manhood into the princess, and just the head alone was enough to send her into somersaults of ecstasy.

"OHMYGODDESS," exclaimed Zelda, her eyes widening.

"Wow, you're tight. And that's just the head," he said. He eventually reached her hymen.

"Are you ready for this?" he asked, and she became aware that he was trying very hard to keep from humming 'Pump Up the Jam' too loudly.

She bit her lip and nodded. Link pushed his length halfway in.

"HyyyeeeeaaaaAAHHH!" she cried.

"Hey, that's my line!" quipped Link, who then began moving back and forth rather slowly. If Zelda's insides hadn't been wetter than Niagara Falls, it would have been near-impossible for him to squeeze in there, as that hole was tighter than a constipated Goron's sphincter.

"BABY! I've never felt this before! I… I think you're hitting my g-spot, over and over," said Zelda, who had done a bit of research into this 'sex' thing on the Internet. Sure enough, he was tapping the sensitive spot located just a few inches into her vagina.

"What's a g-spot? Is that, like, your weak point?"

Zelda was not amused. "Maybe you should keep that mouth of yours shut, honey. Just say what you say when you're waving your sword around."

"Oh, cool. SHYEAAAHHH! HYEEEAAAHHH!" he cried, and spurred on by his own shouts, he began pushing slightly more and more of his penis into Zelda's hitherto unexplored regions.

"OH! OH, BABY!" she cried when his full length bottomed out at her cervix. "Not too fast!"

Link slowed his thrusting, and grabbed Zelda's ass cheeks with one hand with the other at the head of her bed. He helped her get her hips rocking back and forth while he classily slid his legendary member in and out of his lover.

He bent over and kissed Zelda ever so gently. When their lips disengaged, she looked into his big blue eyes and held his face over her with her hands.

"I love you, Link. I love you so much."

"HUT! HYUUUT! I mean… I love you too. This is incredible… feels like… my first time all over again. Now I wish I'd waited for you."

She pulled his head down next to hers to feel his breath and kisses on her neck and his warm body pressed up against her. This was the closest two people could possibly get to one another, and in this moment, it didn't matter that she wasn't his first. In fact, his added experience was a blessing, if anything.

"I don't mind… not being… your first… you're… so… good at this… ohh you make me so wet… you can… go faster again…"

And so Link did. His thrusts grew in strength and intensity.

"SHHYUT! KYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAHH! Um… how… close are you…?" he asked her, clearly having difficulty holding himself back.

Right, this was before he started doing kegels religiously.

"Almost… almost there… I… ahhh!" Zelda moaned, and then wrapped her heels around Link's toned ass, pushing him up against her as she held his dick inside her and came buckets against its filling sensation.

"I'm TYYEAAAH! I'm coming, too!" he cried.

"I wanna drink it!" Zelda said ecstatically, and Link pulled out. But the force of pulling out had Link ready to burst, and he ejaculated all over the princess' body, from her abdomen to her breasts to her face.

Zelda sat up to meet Link, who was on his knees. She licked his shaft and balls clean, basking in the warm afterglow that colored her face.

"Mmmmmm, it tastes sweet."

"Probably 'coz you had me eat all those pineapples."

"Sure glad I did."

After using her magic to clean up the excess semen, the princess snuggled back up with Link and smiled.

"That was flippin' incredible," she said. "Now I don't know how I can live without that. Don't leave," she said, repeating a mantra she'd been keeping to herself for the past few weeks.

"I won't be gone too long. Hyrule's my home."

She nodded. "I know. Just promise me you'll write."

"Every day."

Pillow talk kept them awake for the next couple of hours, until they fell asleep in each other's arms.

As for the next day, as you might expect, they basically didn't leave Zelda's chambers. Link put on the Bunny Hood, so they were literally fucking like Rabbids (or Bunearies?), and having food brought in whenever they were hungry. They stopped only to use the bathroom or eat.

It was something like ten in the evening when Ganon knocked on their door. Despite the room being supposedly soundproof, the banging of Zelda's bed was creating quite the ruckus in the hallway.

"Hey, uh, guys? The last train to Smash City is leaving in twenty minutes."

"LET THEM WAIT!" cried Zelda, who was currently riding Link cowgirl-style. Though she was quite raw down there, a healthy heaping of Chu Jelly kept her functioning.

"Uh, all righty then."

So as it turned out, Link ended up leaving the next morning, missing the first half-day of orientation at the Smashgrounds.

---

V. Girls Girls Girls

In the time that Link was gone, Zelda took to practicing her sparring as Sheik.

Hyped up from occasional visits to the Smashgrounds, where they watched their good friend smack some bitches up, both Zelda and Ganon decided to brush up on their fighting techniques, in the event that they might one day be invited to the exclusive tourney.

During their visits, the charismatic Captain Falcon struck up a friendship with Ganondorf, and even taught him his unique fighting style ("Falcon Fu") so they could spar against one another.

At least twice a week, either Link would take the midnight train and sneak back to the castle for a late-night quickie, or Zelda herself would go over to the Smashgrounds and rendezvous with Link for some frolicking in the hay, so to speak.

And of course, Link would update her with the goings-on at the grounds.

He'd developed a very professional relationship with Samus, he explained, especially since she had never really had close friends before.

The outspoken Captain Falcon seemed to be more her type, despite being openly bisexual.

As he could not communicate well with any of the others, Yoshi was showing signs of unchecked perversion, such as leaving jism stains everywhere and occasionally placing odd things up his bunghole.

Kirby and Jigglypuff had become close friends, despite a friendly rivalry.

Donkey Kong was a badass on the battlefield, but a studious guy who spent a lot of time reading.

Fox kept trying to hit on Samus, but seeing as how he was turned down at every turn, he channeled his sexual frustration into his training.

Ness really liked playing baseball, and his friends would come over and visit.

Mario and Luigi were often arguing over the smallest things, but the plumbers were both charismatic leaders.

Pikachu was a bit of a prima donna, who 'needed' daily massages and was a complete food fiend. His aromatherapy candles and cigars apparently stank up the whole dormitory, but at least the Pokemon could cook a Moo Moo Cow steak instantly with his Thunder attack.

These letters brought a lot of color to Zelda's life, and some of them were written for her to read to Ganon as well, to keep him in touch, which he really appreciated.

Ever since she and Link began their sexual escapades and romantic correspondence, Zelda's levels of confidence grew. She felt herself become stronger and stronger as the weeks grew by, something that helped a lot during the next few whirlwind years.

Around the time of Majora's Mask, a very odd decision was made to de-age Link, creating some tension between the Hylians and Nintendo's EAD team. And so, Link inhabited the body of a child during its development. To speed along the development process, Zelda offered to be a part of the design team, working as Link's personal assistant on-set. Whenever they wanted to make sexytime, Link simply put on the Fierce Deity Mask and they went to town, though it did feel a bit weird doing it with an eyeless entity. They couldn't have been happier when the game's development period ended.

Link, Zelda, and Ganon were redesigned for the Spaceworld 2000 demo, but the game itself ran into a few hitches along the way. The concept of a photorealistic Zelda was abandoned, and the legendary trio were given a lengthy holiday, in which time they went on a tour of Nintendo's other worlds while the developers worked from scratch with very different 'Toon' versions of Link, Zelda, and Ganondorf.

There was one fun dinner where the old cast met up with the new one, and after a few drinks, Link gave this younger, cartoonish version of himself some sage advice.

"Always keep on the lookout for shit you can bomb. If it's got a crack in the wall, bomb it."

"Right," said Toon Link, who scribbled this down in his notebook.

"Oh, and when in doubt, roll to get around."

"Roll?"

"Yeah, man. It's much faster. These new 3D games make it so easy. For combat, you just gotta lock on to your target and walk circles around 'em with your shield up until you see an opportunity. Then you've got options. Jump attack, stab, horizontal slash, spin attack, hookshot, boomerang, whatever works… you'll get the hang of it. There's nothin' to it."

"Gotcha, boss."

"Oh, and practice your 'wonder' face."

"Wonder face?"

"You know, like when you've just picked up a new item. They made me do that shit, like, a million times before they got the shots right."

"Here, lemme give it a try," said Toon Link, and picked up his goblet and held it high in the air.

Link was shocked. "Dude… that was perfect. You just sent chills down my spine. You're like… a work of fine fuckin' art right now. Wow. Man, I just… fuck. I can't even look at you."

"C'mon man, you don't have to make fun o' me."

(A/N: Apologies to "Step Brothers" for stealing that joke)

"No, bro. I'm dead serious. I was a little taken aback at them cat-eyes of yours, but they're really expressive. Listen, you're gonna make a perfect Link."

Zelda and Tetra got along just fine; in fact, it kind of weirded them both out how similar they were.

The Wind Waker set was unlike any they'd ever seen. Instead of the traditional studio set-up, they were actually immersed in a giant overworld, and even got to take a few journeys on Tetra's Pirate Ship.

But after that, the trio spent most of their time visiting Nintendo's other worlds. They went fishing, snowboarding, golfing, kart racing, and ice climbing. When at Hyrule, they pursued their own individual hobbies.

During this time period, Zelda couldn't help but feel like they had been cast out of CAST, effectively rendering the more anatomically realistic Triforce Trinity as obsolete and obscure, but Link and Ganon both assured her that the whole "cel-shaded thing" was just a fad, and that their semi-retirement would end someday.

Perhaps inevitably, Ganondorf tired of being a third wheel and drifted apart from Link and Zelda. He'd been spending more time with the Developers, especially Mr. Sakurai and Mr. Eiji Aonuma, and started to help them design puzzles for their games and interact with their fans (much of his work here he was unable to tell Zelda and Link, being under a non-disclosure agreement). On the weekends, he still trained rather religiously by fighting Zelda and Sheik, though, and even went to the Smashgrounds once in a while to let off some steam… but for the most part, when not working, he kept to himself.

When it came time for Super Smash Bros. Melee, Zelda was more than ready to leap into battle, and even brought up the idea of having a mechanic where she got to fight as Sheik. The director, Mr. Sakurai, seemed to be fine with this, especially seeing as how freely and graciously the princess fought as her ninja-like alter-ego.

The days making Melee were among the best of Zelda's life, not least because she was able to portray a version of herself that encouraged young females to cross-dress as badass ninjas.

It got to the point where Zelda felt so comfortable as Sheik that she tired of playing the role of 'princess', which caused a rift between her and the development team when they announced that the next Zelda, Twilight Princess, would not feature Sheik or the Sheikah in any way.

And so Zelda grinned and bore it. At least she could see Link on a regular basis now, and she quite enjoyed being a hot brunette for a change, even if the boots were a bit uncomfortable and she was a little jealous of all the time Midna got to spend riding her beloved's back…

Not to mention how that temptress Ilia kept trying to persuade me to 'share' Link with herself and the other ladies.

"I'm not saying I don't respect you, because I really do," said Ilia as she shared some of her herbal tea by the river with Zelda. "I look up to you a lot. I just think, with the strength of your relationship and the inevitability that you'll spend the rest of your lives with your eternally young selves… it wouldn't do anyone any harm. You'd be free to see other people, too."

But Zelda huffed her cheeks. "It's not like that with us," she said. "Link and I don't need anyone but each other."

"Truuuue, maybe you don't need anyone else," said Ilia, "but doesn't it add more variety to life? He's like, the most super hot and beastly man, like evar, and you've got him on a leash. Don't you think you should set him free, if you really do love him so much?"

"You're way off base. He's never once even asked me if we could be polyamorous," Zelda pointed out.

"If he did, though… would you consider it?"

"He wouldn't!"

"But if he did-"

"Hmph. You're trying to make me look like the bad guy here."

"I'm just asking questions," said Ilia, and then backed off. "Maybe he's just afraid to ask you, but then, that really isn't my business. It's okay. I understand that it's your prerogative if you want to keep him for yourself, Your Highness."

As the Hyrulean stood from the tea table and made a show of her barely veiled frustrations via a disrespectful mockery of a bow and curtsy, Zelda felt like smashing her porcelain teacup.

Is it really selfish for me to want to keep him all to myself?

We're not humans; we don't have children, or families, at least not in the nuclear sense. There's no sanctity to preserve or protect, no fear of sexually transmitted diseases.

But Link is mine, and I am his, and nothing in the Multiverse is gonna change that.

Midna, as well, was quite open about her feelings, especially once the game had been completed. In her more humanoid form, she was chilling in the Twilight Realm with both Link and Zelda, who were chugging some beers and tossing the cans off the side of a cliff.

"I won't lie that I'm terribly jealous of what you two have," Midna told them. "In fact, I really oughta thank you for letting me into your inner circle."

"You're fun to hang around with," Zelda said. "I'm just glad you haven't tried to make a move on Link."

"Not yet, at least," she joked. "Actually, can I overstep my boundaries for a second?"

"What do you mean?"

"With your blessing, I'd like to kiss him, just once," she asked Zelda. "Would you be okay with that?"

The princess thought about this for a while.

"Why?" she asked.

"I just want to know what it's like to be kissed by the Hero."

Zelda gave her a bit of a death glare. "Fine, but no tongue. And I get to watch."

Midna rolled her eyes. "Awww. All right."

She closed the distance and kissed Link straight on the lips. Midna made it last, and drew out her eye contact with Link afterwards, searching for what she meant to him.

"Thanks," she told them both, and then stood up and walked away. "I'll catch ya guys at dinner."

Link watched the Twilight Princess leave, holding her eyes with his just for a second. He then studied his girlfriend's pained reaction.

"I saw you checking her out," said Zelda.

"I made sure you did," he said, his face rather serious. "So you'd see that this is as far as it goes."

Zelda hung her head. "I'm not enough for you, am I?"

But Link took her hand. "You're more than enough for me, babe. I don't think I could handle any more drama from another girl, nor would I want to. But you've gotta understand, my looking at other girls doesn't affect how I feel about you. It was only a kiss."

She smiled a bit at this, and he continued.

"I'll be honest. I'm a man, or at least I'm programmed like one. Since we're always surrounded by other women, I do have those kinds of desires from time to time. Every man does – the ones that avert their eyes or pretend they don't ever notice other women are just lying to themselves. But there's no one else for me. Every woman I've met, they've all got chips on their shoulders. They're all a little crazy."

"I'm a little crazy, too. You know that first-hand."

"Maybe, but I've never met someone that's as well-adjusted, as reasonable, as honest, and as comfortable in their own skin. They're not like you. No one will ever be you."

"Link… thank you."

"No thanks required. I'm speakin' from the heart. You're my soulmate, Zelda. A little light flirting with the co-stars isn't gonna change that."

"Sometimes I'm just not sure if you really believe that, or if you're just lying to yourself for my sake. Because if you are… I would feel like the most selfish girlfriend in the world. Mario and Peach went through a swinging phase. Daisy and Luigi are still polyamorous. So are Nana and Popo. Not to mention Mach Rider and Captain Falcon, before they broke up."

"Stop right there," he said, and squeezed her hand. "I can tell that just talking about this is making you uncomfortable. I could never do anything that would hurt you, Zelda. Let's drop the subject for now."

For now.

Those two words continued to be on my mind for years. Link… in trying to be a gentleman, you've only stirred up my greatest fears. As a result, I became clingier, more paranoid.

How long is 'for now'?

At what point will this issue boil over, or are we doomed to never discussing it?

Do you not understand what you did to me?

I tried to will myself to fall for someone else, to act on the sexual attraction I'd felt for Marth, Roy, and Ganon, at the very least. Maybe I had a fixation on you, because you were my first. Whatever the reasons, I couldn't get myself to the level where I could even think about being with someone else.

Call me a hopeless romantic, but I've never been able to break free of the ideals of serial monogamy.

---

VI. Same Ol' Situation

After the luxurious vacation with friends that was Super Smash Bros. Brawl ended with Snake and Samus' breakup amidst the dramatic revelations about CAST members' jumbled-up dreams and overflowing memories putting the system at risk, it started appearing to everyone that their days of peaceful co-existence with the humans were numbered.

Add that to an atmosphere of sexual tension and a general CAST-wide fear for Nintendo's future, and the years between Twilight Princess and Skyward Sword were pretty agonizing.

Not much changed when Zelda turned back into a blonde. She got to spend a lot more time with Link at the start of Skyward Sword's cut-scene filming, but sadly, despite the game's script emphasizing the innate closeness of the Hero and the Goddess Incarnate as childhood friends, the whole experience was definitely a lull in their relationship, a far cry from the honeymoon period of Ocarina.

"There's no use worryin' about it, Zell. Bein' exclusive's a virtue, if anything," said Groose. He'd stolen a cigar break in between takes of the early-game Loftwing competition scene. "Most couples would only dream of what you two have had for the last fifteen years. That's longer than a lotta human marriages."

"But that's the thing, Groose. We may be practically married, but it's my dream. It's not his. If he had his way, he'd probably be macking on every eligible girl in sight."

"Have ya asked him that?"

"He won't give me a straight answer. He might not even know himself."

"Ball's in his court then, 'innit? Maybe you should just try to enjoy what you've got."

"That's precisely the problem! Until this relationship feels fair for the both of us, I can't enjoy it!"

"Sounds like you're worryin' over a whole lotta nothin'. Be happy this is the extent of your stress. If there's one truth in this universe, sister, it's that life isn't fair. That applies to relationships, too. If he's used to it, you can get used to it, too."

"But I've been used to it."

Of course, fate proved her otherwise. After noticing Link joking around with Peatrice, who fixed his hair up for the next shot and offered him some water, Zelda clammed up.

He's just a flirt by nature. I know he won't sleep with anyone else but me… but he's so sly, he just can't help making women laugh and smile. That fool should really know better by now.

Despite herself, Zelda threw Peatrice a death glare that scared her away. She even warned the poor girl by grabbing her arm as she passed by and whispering in her ear.

"Be careful around Link," she warned her. "Don't you get too close to him, unless you want to see my bad side."

Peatrice looked terrified. "Y-y-yes, princess."

Zelda also couldn't stop herself from chastising Link about the incident later on.

"So, you appeared to be having an interesting conversation with that item storage girl."

"She has a name," Link pointed out rather sharply. "I saw you harassing her earlier. It's like this every game. You've gotta start some drama with every woman who so much as looks at me. We hang out, like, every day. Why are you so threatened? What more have I gotta do to prove you're my number one?!"

"I don't know," she said. "I'm fucked in the head. I'm a jealous bitch."

"No, it doesn't… it doesn't just end with you sayin' that. Bashing yourself isn't gonna fix this. There's a truth here we need to unearth."

"Let's wait until tomorrow," she told Link, her hands trembling. "I don't think I can talk right now."

He hugged her.

"I'm sorry I raised my voice," he said.

"I'm sorry, too."

"Do you want to get some dinner?"

Zelda shook her head and smiled. "I'm not really that hungry," she said, despite her near-grumbling stomach. She took a walk, stealing a rare chance to be alone as the stars snuck out during the night cycle.

After munching on some oven-baked macaroni, the princess decided to open herself up to Lady Fi as the two sat calmly overlooking the waterfall in Skyloft, and the way the moon crossed over the night sky.

"Mother CAST…" she began.

"Yes, my dear?" responded Lady Fi, who was gliding effortlessly across the waters of the floating island in the small pool.

"What do you think of Link and I? Do you think we're compatible?"

"But of course, Zelda. There is a ninety-three-and-a-half percent chance that you are each other's best match. I took great care to make sure you two would grow close. It makes for a more efficient development cycle."

"Really?!"

That sounds awfully manipulative of her! Zelda thought.

Do not forget that I am attuned to your thoughts, Zelda. Perhaps you require more specific parameters about your compatibility?

"Numbers won't help. My situation is… kind of complicated," said Zelda. "Sometimes I feel like I'm holding Link back. I'm happy being exclusive, but I'm not sure that he is, and maybe I'm kind of responsible for that."

"I can modify him so that he desires only you, but we would need his and Mr. Aonuma's consent."

"No! No, I don't want that at all!"

"So what is it that you wish to change?"

"Myself, I guess. I just want to accept the way things are. Maybe then I can learn to be happy, and make him happy, too."

"If you have made it clear to him that he has options, the factors of his happiness are not dependent on your actions. To believe otherwise is an act of conceit."

"It sounds simple when you say it like that. But I feel the reality of the situation is… when you've been together with someone for so long… you influence one another in ways you could never expect. I'll tell him one thing, and mean another. Like, I'm not okay with the way he farts indoors… but if I don't bring it up, I've only got myself to blame. It's like that with the small things as well as the big ones. I just don't think I can love him properly until I'm capable of accepting myself at a mature level."

"Then you must develop self-respect. Make an effort to be the best that you can possibly be."

"I feel that's easier when I don't have the safety net of all these other AIs here."

"That is another thing you might work on: not making excuses for yourself."

Damn! Zelda thought. Real talk here, coming from our Overseer, no less. Maybe the system in place can help us in a way, after all.

Long story short, Zelda made it a point to focus on self-improvement, and even helped the developers in writing her touching monologue to Link near the end of the game.

"And so Hylia... I mean, and so I... I knew that if it meant saving Zelda, you would throw yourself headfirst into any danger, without even a moment's doubt... I... I used you. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am for pulling you into all of this, Link…"

The princess choked back some sniffles.

"CUT!" Eiji Aonuma cried, and halted their filming of the dramatic scene. "Makeup department!"

The sealed crystal opened up and Zelda practically fell into Link's arms.

"I'm sorry…" she said. "I'm slowing everyone down."

As Peatrice ran onto the scene, wiped away Zelda's tears and worked on reapplying her makeup, the Legend of Zelda series Producer's voice gently spoke over the entire production.

"Zelda, I understand that it's a dramatic scene and I appreciate the effort, but the idea is that you're trying to be strong for Link."

She nodded. "I understand, sir. I'm doing my best."

"Stay awesome, princess," said Peatrice, who, despite being threatened by her, was professional enough to hold no ill will towards Zelda. "We're almost wrapped."

At this, Zelda nodded her thanks and put on her bravest face.

Link stroked the back of her head. "Shhh. Once this is over, I'll take you out for a good meal. Anything you want."

"I just want you. I don't want to lose you."

"Whatever gave you that impression?"

"I don't know," Zelda replied. "I've been having more dreams lately. Weird dreams."

And just like that, at the mention of these rogue memories, the Zelda watching this flashback remembered them.

Alternate timelines. Alternate Links and Zeldas. Due to a glitch deep in Mother CAST's emergent code, memories would erroneously combine into the same registry files from split realities and other development departments.

I'd wake up and not know who I was. Then I'd look in the mirror and remember that HE was there. I'd see the evidence of him being in my life, and I'd fall to pieces in relief.

That's because in my dreams, so very often, I was alone, or with someone I was unhappy with.

But not Link.

I'd see him and Ilia riding alongside one another in bliss. Ilia bringing him sandwiches in between his goat herding jobs.

He'd be inside humanoid Midna, calling out her name instead of mine.

Or he and Malon would go for a quickie in the back of the stables, and roll down hills afterwards, laughing all the way.

As Young Link, he'd be holding hands with Saria, or bottling milk and fending off aliens with Cremia.

Older versions of Link would be dancing with Din, and loving it. Or even having sex on the beach with grown-up Marin.

I knew these were all alternate worlds, alternate Links from rigorous Beta-testing sessions. And that mine would never betray me so. But that doesn't mean it didn't hurt like a bitch.

"Do you have these kinds of dreams, too?" she asked him, sitting on the footsteps of the sealing chamber.

"Yes," said Link. "Impa says we're all starting to have them."

"I don't know if I can take it anymore," said Zelda.

Link let her put her head on his shoulder. "There's ways out of it. We can get our memories suppressed, cutting off ties to the system and living without any knowledge of the past."

"I wouldn't want to lose our precious memories together."

"Nor would I. There's another option. We can do what Krystal did: opt to freeze ourselves in cryo-sleep for a few years. Maybe when they wake us up, there'll be some kind of cure for this mess."

The scenario reminded the princess too much of her supposed thousand-years in isolation. The thought of her consciousness literally ceasing to exist while her body was used like some marionette was ridiculously terrifying.

Zelda shook her head. "It's not worth the lost time. What if the servers collapse while we're in there, or Nintendo never wakes us up?"

"Golly, I hadn't even considered that last one," said Link. "Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna go for that either."

"Then what do we do?" she asked.

"The best that we can," he replied with a kiss. "Come on, let's get back to work."

Even their best efforts were not enough to overcome the system's fatal glitch, however.

During the development of Super Smash Bros. for the 3DS and Wii U, the exponential overload of having over fifty high-definition-modeled characters on one roster and their friends partake in a rather epic reunion overloaded Mother CAST. The infamous 'memory glitch' was taking its toll as the resulting influxes of memories flooded the servers, prompting a complete system shutdown.

The development team lost an entire month of work.

There was only one quick solution: All CAST members were subject to mandatory memory suppression.

"It appears that we can't get the transformations working on the 3DS version," Mr. Sakurai told Zelda one on one. "So you're going to have to make a choice."

As the team was working to rebuild the primary servers, the princess was standing in the midst of a completely white field, with nothing but a snowy expanse in every direction.

"What choice would that be?" she asked.

The Super Smash Bros. director made two pictures appear before her: plastic trophies. 'Amiibos', the text read.

"You are going to have to decide whether you want to continue on as Zelda, or Sheik."

Zelda clutched at her heart. "What do you mean? Can I never transform again?"

"In your free time, sure. But as far as Smash Bros. is concerned, Zelda and Sheik are now different characters. For whichever one you don't pick, Mother CAST will awaken an alternate fighter. I'm aware that you and Link have had a long and meaningful history, but since you are both going to lose your memories anyway… well, you do seem to rather enjoy fighting as Sheik. Please, take your time. I want you to make the decision that suits you best."

But the Princess didn't need time to ponder Sakurai's words. "Let me remain Zelda," she said. "If there's even a chance that Link and I might fall in love again, I want to take it."

"I admire your determination, princess," said Mr. Sakurai with a smile. "Zelda it is."

The Hylian smiled. "At least now I only need to fold one set of clothes."

"That's the way to look at it," Mr. Sakurai laughed, but he saw that Zelda was having a hard time. "I really do apologize."

"It's okay," said Zelda. "You didn't cause this glitch, and you didn't determine the limits of the 3DS. All I ask is that I get to meet Sheik as she's born."

"Not a problem," he told her. "In fact, let's make it an event."

---

VII. Time For Change

And so, Link, Zelda, and Toon Link stood alongside Lady Fi at the birthing chamber as Sheik emerged from the embryonic sac.

The Sheikah looked around in a daze, and then spotted both Zelda and Fi.

"Where am I?" she asked. "And what's that cat-eyed thing?"

"HEY!" Toon Link cried. "I resemble that remark!"

"You're home," said Zelda, and took the newborn's hands. "Sheik, I'm very glad to finally meet you. The cat-eyed one is Toon Link, and I'm your alter-ego's namesake, Zelda. I'm sure you're familiar with Link. The silver one is our Mother CAST, also known as Lady Fi."

"Uh, hi. Nice to meet y'all. You're like a mirror image of me."

"That's right. Miss Sheik, you'll be taking on a position I've held for a good thirteen years now. In about an hour, the Developers are going to be instituting mandatory memory wipes, so this probably isn't going to stick… but please understand that it's going to be a long and difficult road ahead, and if anything happens, I want you to know that you have us as friends to rely on, okay?"

"Okay," Sheik replied, and accepted hugs from the others.

"W-wow," she said. "Thanks for the warm welcome."

In the last hour the Smashers had left before losing their memories, they all gathered around a campfire with the other Smashers just outside the Birthing Chamber. A melancholic tone led the feeling that night, as everyone seemed to have accepted the fact that this was the last time they would ever share their innermost thoughts.

'Truth' or 'Dare' became quite popular.

"Truth," chose Rosalina.

"Okay," said Pit. "Is it true that you're supposed to be Luigi's and Peach's daughter from an alternate timeline?"

"Oh, my!" Peach exclaimed. "Could that be true?"

Don Luigi shrugged. "If so, that's a-news to me."

"Er," replied Rosalina. "To be honest with you, I don't actually have an answer to that question. If you don't mind my asking, Pit, where did you hear that rumor?"

"It's from a Game Theory video. There's actually a mountain of evidence."

(A/N: I'm aware of the anachronism here - the Game Theorists' video actually came out fairly recently, so there's no way Pit would have seen it before this flashback took place, but I just wanted to give a shout out to it)

"When a-they aren't doing a-size comparisons, those guys are a-pretty legit," said Wario. "Mario, you got anything to say about a-this?"

But Nintendo's biggest star was passed out on Peach's lap, his head nestled into position. He hiccupped in his sleep as she massaged his head.

"Let him sleep," she said, her cheeks flushed. "Even if it's true, it's just Nintendo's backstory. He doesn't need to hear this. And Rosalina?"

"Y-y-yes?" the blue-clad woman said sheepishly.

"I think you would have made a wonderful daughter," Peach replied with a smile. She had Rosalina sit beside her and took her hand.

"Thank you… mama," Rosalina said, cuddling up to her. Yoshi leaned on Peach's other side, and oddly enough, she allowed it. There was no use being upset anymore.

"I love you," Fox told Zero Suit Samus.

"I know," Samus replied. "You've only said it like a million times."

Bowser was reading Tolstoy, while Junior had cuddled up with a bunch of Pikmin.

Sheik and Zelda listened to the Hero playing some tunes on his ocarina. Toon Link roasted marshmallows with GW, Ness and Falco.

Ike, Marth, and Kirby sat contemplatively, while Dedede, Popo, Olimar, and Lucario were trying to get as fucked up as digitally possible. They had just taken a rather large dose of mescaline and were lying down giggling up at the night sky.

A rather quiet Newcomer that Zelda did not recognize was sitting among the group, but simply looking up at the stars. Dressed in nothing but a pair of gray shorts, he boasted very light-colored hair and wielded a ginormous red weapon that might in some futuristic universe have been considered a sword or blade of some kind.

After some time, Impa arrived with the entourage from the Moon base. She was joined by Ganondorf, Solid Snake, ROB, Jigglypuff, Prof. E. Gadd, Takamaru, the Duck Hunt Dog, and the Wii Fit Trainers.

"Snake?" exclaimed Captain Falcon. "Great to see you, man!"

"Likewise."

Snake and Zero Suit Samus locked glances, and after a long moment of disbelief the Metroid heroine leapt up and gave him a big hug.

"I was wondering if you'd ever show up," she told him.

"Me too," he replied. "I'm sorry to have kept you waiting."

The two embraced again, and though she had broken it off many years prior, she hadn't expected to miss him so badly. Her eyes told a story of hurt and loneliness.

"When this is over..."

"Shhh," he said. "Just be in the moment."

Impa cleared her throat for them to move aside. Samus and Snake walked off to the side a bit and held one another.

"When did you get back from Konami? Are you joining us on the grounds?"

"As for that second one, probably not, unfortunately. But I never left," he said. "I was given the option to stay here… to watch over you until it came time for the next Smash Bros. game."

She kissed him with the full force of her being.

Impa stepped forward to address the others, since Samus was definitely not going to be available. "Ganon here just announced his retirement from his honorary developer position. He did some good work for us up here, but it seems he misses you all and wants to rekindle some old friendships. So we've got one open space. Does anyone else wish to join us? Anyone at all?"

"GANON THE CANNON! HELL YEAH!" exclaimed Link. "Man, it's good to have ya back!"

Link, Zelda, and Toon Link all embraced Ganondorf, who was warmly invited back into their group. He shook hands with Sheik.

The remaining Smashers all kind of looked at one another, unsure about Impa's proposal.

"Come, now. All we need's one other mole on the inside." Impa said, filing her nails with her pen.

"Go for it," Link told Zelda. "You can carry on the memory of our relationship."

But she shook her head. "I won't be separated from you."

Impa pointed at the green-clad plumber. "How about you, Don Luigi?"

Luigi cleared his throat. "Since my inception, I've been a man of my word. To take on this job would mean that every day, I would have to live the life of a liar. With all due respect, I do not think I can properly manage the realm's affairs with such a mindset."

"A fair answer," said Impa.

"What's the pay like?" Pac-Man asked.

"Pay?" Snake sneered. "Peanuts. No vacation time, either. The benefits are absolute shit. We eat slop and live a meager lifestyle, nothing compared to what these guys have. The pool isn't even heated-"

"Shush," said Impa. "Puck, unlike most of us, you'll be living at the Smashgrounds ninety percent of the time, so you'll still live a life of luxury. But Snake has a point, and that is this. Nobody wants to do this job. It's dirty, it's difficult, and it's taxing on your soul. The true test of this position is prestige. You will have influence and acclaim. Smash City will love you."

"Will I be higher-up than Mario?" Pac-Man asked, starry-eyed.

"Er, in terms of rank and general influence, at least," said Impa. "In addition to being one of the main hosts, you'll also be Don Luigi's second-in-command."

"IN YOUR FACE, BOB HOSKINS!" Puck said, and shoved his derriere in Mario's unconscious face. He slapped the plumber across the cheeks and wiggled his nose, to no effect. "I'll take the job!"

"Done and done," said Impa, and placed a check on her clipboard. "Congratulations on being the future most hated member of the Smashgrounds."

"I dunno about that," said Puck. "I hear there's a rumor that Dr. Mario and Dark Pit might be on the roster instead of Ridley and Mewtwo. I know it only takes a fraction of the development time to create a clone, but golly! That's sure to spark some fan wars. At the very least, you could get Sakurai to offer those two as DLC or somethin'!"

"We do not comment on rumors and speculation," said Impa, repeating the standard company line.

Upon reaching this point, modern-day Impa's telepathic signal cut through the flood of memories.

Zelda, are you there?

Yes, I'm here, the princess replied. If these memories overload the servers, how is it I'm able to remember all this?

It's the same reason you were gifted with your psychic abilities. As a caster, you have exceptional mental strength. You're the only one that possibly could handle this knowledge. Why did I contact you again…? OH, RIGHT! Let me give you the skinny on what all happened.

This system was enforced by Nintendo's own Mother CAST and a growing group of agents co-hosted by a combination of local servers connecting them to Bandai Namco Games, Capcom, Konami, and Sega.

The result of these combined servers was the Moon base overlooking the Smashgrounds. In actuality, the Moon functioned as a home for Mother CAST and her operatives to keep the Smashers in line, and that they did, with an iron fist.

Is there any way we can break free of this system? Zelda asked.

There's only one, replied Impa. And that is the hope that someone can fix Lady Fi's glitch before the servers blow.

And what are the chances of that?

Impa hesitated before replying. Very, very low. I'm sorry. It's probably too late to do anything about this situation.

Zelda steeled her nerves. So what's the most likely scenario? Is there any other way to avoid complete server collapse?

The most likely scenario, princess, is that Iwata decides to pull the plug. Mother CAST is shut down and rebooted from a backup file. All of our memories – including the ones of us protectors – are suppressed. Half of us – that is, those of us with the most latent memories who therefore pose the most risk – will be frozen, possibly forever.

The developers will continue to utilize our technical assets to create new games, but our actual consciousnesses will only see the light of day at the utmost need, one at a time. Unless the developers will it to be so, you and Link may never interact again.

NO! Zelda exclaimed telepathically. WE CAN'T LET THIS HAPPEN!

I agree. If we didn't have a chance in hell, I wouldn't be telling you this. But right now Lady Fi's in a bad way. If somehow Mother CAST's glitch can be repaired while she's in this vulnerable state, there's a spot of hope. How we can help her, I have no idea. But maybe, just maybe, there's someone who can get the job done.

Zelda's ears perked up. Then there's hope! That's something.

There's always hope, princess. Wake up.

With a snap of Impa's fingers, the Hylian jolted awake in her room. She burst open the doors of her cabin and ran down the hallway to the bridge, filled with vigor and courage.

I know the odds are stacked against us, but we have a chance, dammit!

---

VIII. Live Wire

"I'm going to take it head-on!" TGFKA Palutena announced as she flew desperately towards the approaching missile, which was the same one that Rosalina had redirected from hitting the Comet Observatory.

Dark Pit flew up and landed on it, and then tried to pry open the deactivation hatch.

"It won't budge!" he yelled.

"Take your time, sweetie."

Palutena calmly used space-bending magic to slow the missile's descent as the beleaguered angel dug through his fanny pack for a hex screwdriver to undo the bolts.

"This is bullshit!" cried he. "I know I had one somewhere! Wait! Look out!"

Lady Palutena shot out her reflector to send back four missiles fired by Eagle's Fighter Jets.

"Just what we needed," she said sarcastically as four more Fighters flew in to replace the two she'd just downed.

The Goddess was pushing the limits of her powers. She wasn't sure how much longer she could keep airborne while holding the missile in place and reflecting incoming fire.

---

Captain Falcon awoke to a rocking feeling. The sky was passing him by; he was on a stretcher. A blurry Chibi-Robo offered him a thermos of water and he drank, though the water dripped right out from his skeleton past his esophagus.

"Chibi-Robo…"

"How's it hanging, stranger?" asked one of the men carrying the stretcher. He wore a cool blue outfit with a weird see-through eyepatch that wasn't quite a monocle, and not quite half of a set of goggles.

"Ugh, I feel like a hot mess," Captain Falcon said. "That was worse than the time I bailed off of Big Blue with a faulty parachute."

"Faulty memory was the problem, not equipment. A lifetime o' takin' beatings couldn't-a prepared me for that crazy cunt," Little Mac added.

The Captain then realized that Little Mac was being carried on another stretcher just alongside him. The boxer was little more than a charred and incomplete skeleton, but he was getting better.

"Mac? We made it. Guys, I don't know how to thank-" he began, before coughing out a whole lot of blood and ash.

"Hey, take it easy," said the guy at the foot of Cap's stretcher, a rather furry thing with humongous floppy ears. "Carrying you isn't exactly what I'd call light exercise."

"Sorry, bro," Falcon replied. "I can't help being beautifully big-boned. No, seriously. I just can't seem to change my physique."

"Your physique was never up to you," said the diminutive woman with a red beret who was at the head of Mac's stretcher. "You're the creation of a design team."

"A what?"

"As we thought. They don't know anything," said the female furry thing who was carrying the foot of Mac's stretcher with a giant orange hand popping out of a rather large and ornate helmet. "Let's try not to blow their minds too hard, guys."

"Outta curiosity, who are ya guys exactly?" Mac queried.

"The Brawlers Without Borders," replied the blue-clad guy. "My name's Vyse. This here's Klonoa, Adeleine, and Midna. We're former CAST members, now refugees of the system. We want no part in this godforsaken conflict and have eked out a humble existence here."

"How can you possibly hide right under their noses like this?"

"Let's just say we have someone looking out for us," said Klonoa. "Save your strength. Talking and thinking only slows down your recovery."

Captain Falcon failed at flexing his arms. He was incapable of Falcon Punching anything, and that made him sad.

As the group reached a small clearing, he turned left to see that they were not too far from a large cliff overlooking a vast canyon, the midst of which was covered in what could only be described as a massive cesspool of toxic waste and swamp gas.

About a mile out to his right, there was a rather epic battle going on outside of a very large Silo that bordered a towering castle. But they were heading parallel to the castle, carving through a hidden trench.

Before long the party arrived at a small bunker, the outside of which boasted a neon sign labeled "BWB".

Vyse pushed a button on the intercom and spoke. "Up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-B-A-Start."

"Welcome home, ladies and gents," the voice of Crash Bandicoot replied.

The crash victims were taken in and the party descended a Warp Pipe to the lower level.

It was a rather cool setup, a wide, one-room den but with very cleverly used space.

A billiards table completed a corner of the room. On the opposite side, there was an ornate stage (currently empty), and in the middle stood a kitchen counter that doubled as an open bar, and a set of tables for people to eat and play tabletop games, which they were doing at the moment. A loft halfway up to the ceiling hosted several sleeping areas, with private bunks being set up along the walls.

Bathrooms appeared to be cut into the rock, with translucent sliding glass doors.

Several characters sitting around playing a tabletop game were asked to stand up and move to the floor.

The rotund Dungeon Master seemed a bit peeved about this.

"C'mon, guys, really? We're low on space as it is."

"They're not gonna be living here!" groaned Klonoa. "Get out of the way, Eggman!"

"That's Doctor Eggman to you," the DM grumbled, bookmarking his page in "Driver's Ed and Dishwashers: An Advanced Earthling Master's Guide, Volume III".

One of the tabletop gamers adjusted his glasses and folded up his character sheet. "Put me on hold for a minute," he told Eggman. "My duty lies with the wounded."

"Fine, Derek, but don't blame us if Emma Watson blows you off on your date to the County Fair and goes with moi instead," another mustached man in a lab coat said.

"You wouldn't dare, Wily," Derek replied. "Skip my damn turn, Ivo."

He then turned to the scouting team and their acquisitions. "What have you got for me today?"

"Crash and burn victims, Dr. Stiles," Adeleine said. "Smashers."

"SMASHERS?!" came the collective response.

All two dozen of the Brawlers Without Borders came forward and gaped at the regenerating victims.

"I know that guy! That's Mach Rider!" Ms. Pac-Man exclaimed, pointing at Captain Falcon's bare flesh.

Who was that girl? Falcon wondered. And just how the hell did I let her call me 'Dougie'?

"Wrong, Puck," said Little Mac, whose left eye popped back into existence. "And why're ya dressed like a grill?"

"After all these years!" she yelled, and kicked over a barstool. "I am not Puck, that dirty, no-good fame-obsessed… UGH!"

"That was our last good barstool!" exclaimed the bartender, Crash Bandicoot.

"Give them some space!" Derek demanded, gently pushing Ms. Pac-Man away. "Now, where does it hurt?"

"Everywhere," Captain Falcon replied.

"This should help," said Dr. Stiles, and quickly injected both Smashers with some morphine.

"N-n-no drugs…" said Douglas, but it was too late.

Neku Sakuraba and Beat from Jet Grind Radio lent their headphones to the injured Smashers.

The soft opening keys of Utada Hikaru's "Sakurai Nagashi" rang in a crazy head trip for the Captain as he zoned out, completely dazed.

In his mind, all these random characters, most of which he had never seen in his life, were cuddling with him in a giant bed, engaging in a free-for-all orgy, all occurring in slow-motion.

When he woke up, it was to find himself fully healed. Falcon looked down and realized he was nearly naked; in place of his normal clothes, he had nothing on but a pair of boxer briefs. A tall albino clad in a white suit that looked like a work of failed Power Rangers cosplay licked his lips as he ogled the Captain.

"Hell-o there," he told the Captain. "Now aren't you just gorgeous all over. Oh, right," he continued, and offered Captain Falcon a bathrobe. "You were out for about ten minutes and we don't have many extra clothes, but this is the least gaudy thing we've got, and it's totes a hundred percent cotton."

Falcon tried it on – it was a little tight on the shoulders, but overall not too bad. "Wow, I can't thank you guys enough. Didn't catch your name."

"Ghirahim. Come on, sweet cheeks, I'll take you to your buddy."

They ascended the loft, where the game had been moved. Little Mac, who was wearing nothing but an oversized shirt, waved at his approaching buddy.

"Lookin' good, Mac. Dr. Stiles, you're a beast, dude! How did you heal us so quickly?" Falcon asked.

"Ah, that'll be my 'healing touch' ability," he said, looking up briefly from his character sheet. "Comes in handy during conflicts."

Dr. Eggman cleared his throat. "Have a seat, Falcon. Your questions will be answered after this turn."

Little Mac leaned over to whisper in Captain Falcon's ear. "Check it, man. They're role-playing. That dweeb's named Jeff. Oh, and those are the two opposing guys from Mega Man's realm," he said, pointing out Dr. Light and Dr. Wily at the table.

"Get out of town."

"No, I'm dead serious."

"Okay," Dr. Eggman continued, moving on to Dr. Wily. "So your boss is walking up to your cubicle, coffee in hand, expecting that report you were supposed to turn in."

"Close my browser window and minimize my Minecraft session. I'll submit my half-finished work and bluff, hoping he doesn't notice the details."

"All right, but he's in a bad mood. You're gonna have to roll an eighteen or higher to keep him from taking you into his office and going on a tirade."

"Outrageous! Can't it be a sixteen?"

"Just get on with it," Jeff said. "Wily, you're holding up the game again."

"All right, all right," the cranky bald-headed scientist said, and rolled. He got a natural twenty.

"IN! YOUR! FACE!" Wily exclaimed, and performed chopping motions on his crotch. He flipped over his chair in excitement. "Hooo-ahhh!"

"Damn, Albert," said Dr. Eggman. "It wasn't like your job was on the line or anything. Okay, so your boss is cool with the report. But then his eyes dart to your screen. It turns out you didn't properly minimize your Minecraft tab. So he ends up dragging you into his office anyway."

"BULLSHIT! Yer just tryin' to spite me, Robuttnik!"

"Come now, Dr. Eggman. I'm not one to usually challenge the DM but that just ain't fair," Derek told Eggman. "He clearly said he minimized the window."

"Yeah, but his keyboard shortcut failed. The keys were all funky because of the jism that landed in it from last night's after-work wank-off."

As Dr. Stiles considered this new development, a loud rumble shook the bunker and the power went out.

"Not again," said Dr. Light. "Something's the matter with the Silo lately, it seems."

"Well, shyeah," Captain Falcon told the group. "It's under attack by Pokemon."

All the Doctors instinctively covered their ears in fearful anticipation, and for good reason. Ms. Pac-Man screamed like a banshee at the loft-dwellers. "I've had it up to here with those damn monsters. I don't want to hear another word about Pokemon!"

"What's her problem?" asked Little Mac as Dr. Neo Cortex brought the group a hand-crank LED lantern to use. Chibi-Robo turned the crank for them.

Dr. Eggman lowered his voice. "She's been perpetually moody since Puck left. Really wanted to move to the Smashgrounds as an Assist Trophy. Got upset when they denied her application."

"With good reason," Dr. Light pointed out. "It's a life of luxury over there. No clogged toilets. No radioactive isotopes rotting the food."

"And none of your snoring," Dr. Wily chastised his old rival.

"Yeah, here's the thing, guys," said Captain Falcon. "The Smashers are all rising up in rebellion. The plan was to take over the moon. We're horribly outnumbered out there, but it seems like the Pokemon are getting the job done. I know you guys are trying to remain a neutral party in all of this, but if you help us, we can end the oppression of the Ominous Ones once and for all."

To which the entire table went silent.

"So it's true," said Dr. Eggman. "There's a battle out there."

"None of this shit would have happened if we hadn't let that fruitcake take off," growled Dr. Cortex.

Captain Falcon was horribly confused. "Wait, what are we missing?"

Dr. Wily spat into a nearby spittoon. "That asshole Gadd stole a bunch of our best equipment and took off to work for the Ominous Ones."

"And you just let it happen?" exclaimed Little Mac.

"We don't normally talk about it," said Dr. Light, "because it's a major source of shame. He lied to us, coerced us into helping him with his grand Mind Control device, to use on the psychic kids. And all along we never realized that he was working for the Man."

"It's our greatest regret," Dr. Stiles continued.

"Then it should be your responsibility to do something!" Captain Falcon demanded. "Good people are dying out there!"

A rather reverberant noise silenced the crowd.

"EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!" screamed Davy the Chameleon. The hero of Chameleon Twist had just used his uber-long tongue to slap the floor hard. "WE GOT LADY FI IN THE HOUSE!"

Lucina lit a gas lantern and held it up, illuminating the other end of the room. She was joined by Pit, who was wearing a fedora. The angel laid Lady Fi down onto the makeshift surgical table on the lower level.

"Guys… I don't know you… but-"

"Hey, Armpit!" exclaimed Little Mac.

"I know you, buddy!" Captain Falcon added. "Oh, wait. We should be sad. Yeah, uh, no easy way to say this, but your mistress-"

"The Goddess Formerl- I mean, Palutena's alive!"

"FUCK YEAH!" Little Mac and Captain Falcon screamed in unison, and then high-fived.

"But listen up!" Pit continued to the growing crowd. "According to Dark Pit, we're all gonna be dead very soon unless we can get Lady Fi operational again. All you smart-ass sciencey guys, please… we need your help!"

"M'boy, Mother CAST's emergent programming is far beyond our capability to influence," said Dr. Light.

"Then who can help us?" cried Pit. "Is there anyone in this whole wide universe?"

Adeleine titled her beret forward and lit up a cigarette from the other end of the room. "Nintendo has one programmer whose exploits are the stuff of legend… one who can bend the laws of the universe in his pursuit of code perfection. And his name is Satoru Iwata."

"His name is Satoru Iwata," continued Vyse and Klonoa, starting a somber group chanting session.

"His name is Satoru Iwata," the Doctors all chanted in unison.

"His name is Satoru Iwata," added Crash, Davy, Midna and Ghirahim.

"Whoa, whoa! Enough with the creepy chanting in the dark!" exclaimed Pit, who was already beyond his daily stress limits. "Just… someone! Anyone! How do we get Lady Fi to this Iwata guy?"

"There's one way I can think of," said Dr. Eggman. "And that's through the source code in the center of the Moon. Come on outside, guys. We're takin' a trip to the Scrap Brain Zone, or at least what's left of it."

---

IX. Shout at the Devil

"The rolls, they shall be called!" Takamaru yelled over the rabble of over two hundred Smash hopefuls standing at attention on the platform. "Lineth thou up in columns so that thy names may be tallied!"

But aside from Frog, who understood Takamaru's speech perfectly, the various CAST members murmuring and rubbing elbows paid no heed to the ancient Nintendo character.

"Dude-bro-man-dog, let me show you what leadershit all is about," said King K. Rool, who patted the samurai on the shoulder and took the megaphone.

"LISTEN UP, MAGGOTS! ATTEN-SHUN!"

But he got no respect either. Chrono sold Black Mage a small plastic baggie of ecstasy in exchange for some Gysahl Greens while the Wonderful Ones cheered on Mach-Rider, Marle, and Dixie Kong as they raced to see who could snort a thirty-foot line of cocaine faster.

"DON'T MAKE ME WHIP OUT MY JOHNSON!" the Kremling King kried. "I have a severe bladder dysfunction and I'm not afraid to use it!"

The disrespect continued as Spyro the Dragon tossed a cigarette butt at his feet. "Shut the fuck up, man. Nobody on this platform needs to hear about your piss problems."

King K. Rool's ears erupted with steam. He was already fuming at his boy Bowser having been chained up and kept in a hold. "What makes you think you can fuckin' talk to me like that, Puff the Magic Has-Been?"

"Shit, I don't owe nothing to an old fossil like you," Spyro scoffed. He picked his nose and flicked the booger at K. Rool. Though Starfy leapt in and ate the booger, the Kremling had taken the insult to heart. He waddled over to Spyro, rolled the dragon onto his back, and sat on his face.

Spyro struggled and twitched, but it was no use. King K. Rool cackled maniacally as he shat into the plucky purple dragon's mouth.

"MMMmmmmmmpppphhhh!" cried Spyro, tears erupting from his eyes as his mouth overflowed with unspeakably half-digested material.

From the office chair where he was tied up with E. Gadd's psychic helmet over his head, Lucas turned away from the gut-wrenching scene, but could not block out the sickening smell.

"OK, this has gone far enough," said Professor E. Gadd. The recently reborn mad scientist was sitting atop Ridley's back as the other purple dinosaur flew above the crowd. He peeled off remnants of the fluid from the CAST pods that were sticking to his bald head. "Ya kids should be savin' yer energy fer the Smashers, fer cryin' out loud. If ya really want to torture someone, there's always this guy."

He pointed to Solid Snake, who was chained to two Tesla coils and was currently under assault by Paper Mario, Geno, and Mallow.

"You must think you're real tough," Snake told Paper Mario after spitting out a chunk of blood. "It ain't easy beating up a man who's tied up."

"I can beat a-you off any day!" Paper Mario exclaimed.

Geno and Mallow giggled until they ROFFLED onto the floor.

"Can't breathe!" Mallow laughed. "Oh man, that's rich!"

Paper Mario punched Snake in the gut again. "What's a-so funny? I'll beat a-you all off, right now!"

"Pardon, papier mache," Wonder-Green interjected. "Can I be next? I haven't been beaten off since Pink got carpal tunnel."

"I can only pleasure so many cocks in a day," said Wonder-Pink, who proceeded to whip Snake furiously. "Get off my case!"

"Only if it means we can get off into your mouth instead," joked Wonder-Blue.

E. Gadd facepalmed. "This is getting us nowhere! Takamaru, how's that head count comin' along?"

The samurai, who was standing on a tiny platform above the main one, checked his tally. "We're missing two of our Generals, it seems. Agent Boxers and Agent Moe."

"Goddamn deserters," said E. Gadd.

"I don't blame 'em," sneered Spyro, who had recently spat out the mounds of shit that were filling his cheeks. "This has been a shit job from the beginning!"

"Yeah!" a few voices shouted in agreement, among them the Red Mage, who was currently getting a lap dance from Marle.

Just then, a blinding light emanated above the platform. From it emerged a Rayquaza, and riding atop its back, none other than a Mii Swordfighter of Satoru Iwata greeted them with his smiling face.

Mr. Iwata took aim at Spyro. Rayquaza shot the dragon with an Ice Beam and froze him in place.

"Desertion is not tolerated. Snarky comebacks go against company policy."

To the terror of the entire army, Rayquaza followed up with a Dragon Claw to slice the naysayer in half.

"Harro prease," said Mr. Iwata. "Wii would like to play. Our enemy is less than a minute away. Anyone else thinking about deserting?"

"SIR!" exclaimed a voice from the back of the crowd.

Mr. Iwata bended over to see little red Lloyd waving his hand around.

"Sir, I have urgent news for you! I just saw-"

But Rayquaza's Overheat toasted the dual-wielding swordsman, who flailed about and finally jumped off the platform to his doom.

Teary-eyed, Colette Brunel cried out for him. "Lloyd! Lloyd, NOOOO!"

Just to show that he was really a very not-so-nice Chaotic Evil type of guy, Iwata had Rayquaza toast her, too.

"All right, now ANYONE ELSE want to defect?"

By now, the platform started smelling of the small army's collective urine streaking down their knocking knees in fear.

---

As Zelda emerged onto the bridge, she became aware of a major debate going on.

"Show me the heat signature again!" Link called from the dashboard after leaving his periscope.

A readout of an approaching trio showed up on the big holo-screen. Three grown men were riding a small Fantasy Zone spacecraft. One was a Mii Gunner, and the other two were swordsmen.

Zelda studied the silhouettes. One of those swordsmen… he's very familiar.

Bowser Junior was trigger-happy. "They're armed! Let's shoot first an' ask questions later!"

"Wait! They may look like foes," said Ike. "But let's try hailing them first."

"They're not responding! Shoot 'em!" yelled Bowser Junior.

The mostly-regenerated Ganon slapped the back of his hand against his other palm, creating a loud 'smack!' sound. "Think, man! Their radio could be down!"

"It doesn't matter. They're very close. If they were friendly, they would have found some way to hail us by now," Sky Admiral Link said with some finality. "Let's take 'em down with one shot. All right, Diddy. Position that Bill Blaster. Take aim… ready… and…"

"WAIT!" yelled Zelda. "I saw him!"

Every head in the room turned to the princess.

"You saw who?" Peach asked.

"The guy with the weirdly shaped sword. He was in my vision. Sitting with us by the campfire before our memories were wiped."

"Before?" Link queried.

"It's a long story, honey. But I have to tell you guys – there is hope. We need to get Lady Fi… Mother CAST… and fix up her glitching. It's the only way."

After going up to the periscope, Rosalina squinted, attempting to see through the green-tinted cockpit.

"Wait! That's… it's HIM!" she exclaimed.

The crew dashed outside, onto the deck, to greet the descending ship.

The cockpit opened, and from the ensuing steam emerged none other than three figures.

One adjusted his sunglasses and cracked his neck, then drew forth a customized beam sword.

"Name's Travis Touchdown. I come in peace. Take me to your moe girls."

A white-haired swordsman wearing a cool-looking futuristic red-and-black outfit whipped out his rather oversized Monado Blade, stuck it into the deck of the airship, and leaned on it. He winked at Princess Peach and tossed her a rose.

"'Ello, guv'na. I'm Shulk. Perhaps you could teach me to tango sometime, princess."

The last person to emerge from the spacecraft was also the most mysterious. Despite being a Mii, his very aura sent shivers down the spines of every Smasher on the deck. Many of them fell on bended knee, extremely touched by just the sight of their Creator.

"Greetings, Smashers," said the Mii of Shigeru Miyamoto (now called 'Miiyamoto'). "I bring you tidings of anime-styled badasses. And everything looks so bright and vivid. Man. It's just so beautiful here. Now get up, stand up! You gotta fight for your right to party!"

"YEAH!" the collective exclaimed, and leapt into the air.

"Seriously, though. We can party later," said Mr. Miyamoto. "Right now I have come to you at the turn of the tide. Like Gandalf. We've got just one shot at this. Ooooone shot. Or whoooooosh. The plan is… the plan is… maaaaan… is it just me, or is that Luma, like, changing into colors that don't even exist?"

Mr. Miyamoto grabbed the Luma hovering in front of Rosalina and stared at it as if it were made of diamond.

"GUYS! GUYS, FOR REAL, ARE YOU SEEING THIS?"

"This… is my Creator?" Link queried.

Shulk scratched the back of his head. "Ah, yeah. Tha's right. Your pappy here, he, uh, dropped some shrooms, by the way."

"Why on Earth would he ingest drugs at a time like this?" Zelda bellowed.

"Because we need his powers running at full capacity," said Travis Touchdown, who deftly inspected Zelda's posterior. "My, you're a classy princess, aren't ya? Have you got a younger sister hiding anywhere?"

The princess ignored him and closed her eyes.

If these are our reinforcements… it's going to be a hell of a hard-fought battle.

---

A/N: OMG Thank you so so so much for reading through all that! :D Seriously, reader, I really, really appreciate it. What do you think will happen next?! As always, feel free to let me know any opinions, comments, questions, concerns, criticisms, inconsistencies, etc.! Reviews, faves, and subs keep me going! ^^ Hope to have the next chapter ready sooner than this one!