A/N: I'm so happy that I've been able to get this chapter out earlier than expected. The ending to the previous chapter was a bad place to leave the story for a while and I'm not that cruel, ha! I hope you enjoy and thank you for reading!
Eric hadn't shaken this much since his first visit to the past. This new apartment building, on the other side of the city reminded him how much time had passed since he and Kyle were together. It would be easy to forget, since Eric was the one in control, with his weekly visits he could look forward to, dropping into Kyle's life unceremoniously.
Seven years. Eric could only gauge Kyle's reaction by the initial twelve years they were apart. Kyle had been drunk, angry and helpless; touching him in confirmation, smacking him across the face in shock before hugging him, as rapturous as the less then pure scene could've been.
So much had changed since that night, not just their relationship but themselves as individuals, though Eric knew this reunion would be different. Kyle may still be shocked and angry, but his happiness would override that. It was a certainty. Still, after seven years so many things weren't. Eric wondered how much could've possibly changed. But he wasn't anxious, now that his plans which Kyle had believed in so fervently were coming true. It was difficult to rid himself of the startling hope.
Yet Eric was still debating whether to tell Kyle. Despite his optimism and enthusiasm, there was still so much Eric was unsure of, so many obstacles to navigate. What if he told Kyle that his plans were in motion and they eventually fell through? He couldn't leave Kyle stranded in the past… again. And the look of surprise on Kyle's face when Eric reappeared, with no time tether in sight was almost too delicious of an image to spoil with over-excitement.
Eric smiled giddily to himself at the thought as he walked down the corridor, counting the numbered doors down until he reached Kyle's. Music slithered under one door and Eric's smile morphed into a confused smirk when he realised that the door belonged to Kyle.
Keeping his amused expression, Eric knocked on the apartment door louder than usual, so Kyle would be able to hear. A couple of minutes passed and the door swung open, letting the music out and revealing a wide-eyed Kyle who seemed to be drowning in the beat.
"Hi!" Eric grinned.
"Eric!" Kyle replied startled, swiping the grin from Eric's face. He shuffled closer, pulling the door with him. "Eric… I…"
"Sorry," Eric said, suddenly self-conscious. "Is this a bad time?"
Kyle's arm was twitching as he held the door ajar. "Sort of," he replied distractedly, looking back into the apartment.
"I'm having a party," he added, looking up at Eric now.
"What, like a housewarming party?" Eric asked with a faint chuckle, though the scene was more discomfiting than funny. "Since you've moved yet again. You really don't like staying in one place, do you?"
Kyle shook his head quickly and tried to mimic that small chuckle.
"No, I guess not.," he smiled, limply. He glanced inside the apartment before ducking his head and sighing, tortured. "God, Eric…"
"What's wrong?" Eric asked, stepping closer.
He felt winded when Kyle timidly backed away.
"I wasn't expecting you," Kyle replied, his head was still down but at least his wide eyes had risen to look at Eric.
He looked into those green eyes and saw the hurt that came with the shock of being reunited. After such a long time apart. Eric sighed.
"I know, it's been a long time and I'm sorry for that," he said. "It's just, during our last visit I really got to thinking about time, and how little we have left, and how maybe these visits should be sporadic, you know? I don't want to use them up all at once-"
Kyle sighed again, as if the party and the music and Eric at his door were suffocating him.
"I wish I had known," he despaired.
Eric furrowed his eyebrows, wanting to hold Kyle close and release the knotted tension.
"Yeah, but I'm here now?" He didn't know what else he could offer, since Kyle seemed to want his distance.
Kyle looked at Eric, deep, unsure and questioning like he couldn't quite believe him, and he nodded again too vigorously. What was distracting him? What was deflecting Eric's words?
Eric lowered his head too, in an attempt to reach Kyle's eyes.
"Are you sure you're okay?" He asked.
Kyle jumped, startled when he noticed Eric standing so close to him.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine…" he replied, averting Eric's gaze and running a hand through his hair.
Eric couldn't have missed that glint of silver, that mocking silver wink.
"What's that on your finger?" Eric asked, voice hard but quiet.
Kyle had the audacity to look perplexed, before his hand slid from his curls slowly and he stared at the ring on his… wedding… finger.
Eric sucked in a scream or a sob - he didn't know what – the corners of his mouth tightened and his nostrils flared while doing so. He grabbed Kyle's wrist and tugged him forward, forcing that closeness that Kyle had a few minutes ago rejected.
The ring gleamed, lovely and boastful, wrapped around Kyle's finger and offering him the kind of security that Eric couldn't.
"Who gave this to you?" Eric asked, his eyes were still fixed on the band.
Kyle's wrist was trembling in Eric's grip, and his voice was shattered. "Eric, I'm so sorry-"
"Kyle, tell me what the fuck is going on right now…" Eric commanded, his insides were frozen and his tone was hard and cold.
Kyle's trembling persisted, but he cleared his throat and perfected a measured, clear tone when he announced, "I'm engaged."
The devastating news thawed Eric out of the stunned cold; his mouth loosened, his fuming breathing decompressed, his eyes widened and his brows drew together as he was dealt the biggest blow of his life.
Kyle was finally looking at him, imploring for Eric's gaze that he had previously avoided, but Eric was transfixed on Kyle's hand. On the shining symbol that represented how little Kyle was his, how little Eric was sure of.
"And this isn't a housewarming party," Kyle felt the need to elaborate. "It's-
"An engagement party," Eric whispered, dropping Kyle's wrist and requiting his demanding stare. "You're getting married?"
Eric's chest tightened, and he watched Kyle's eyes glimmer with guilt, his shoulders hunch, his mouth try to form an explanation.
Finally, Kyle came up with: "I didn't know you were coming back..."
Eric stumbled, he had never been so frighteningly uncertain of the man in front of him. Before he could cry in front of Kyle, he shook his head and stormed off down the corridor.
"Eric!" Kyle called out after him, the door slamming and his voice was on the verge of hysteria. "Eric, wait!"
Kyle may have thought this was a chase, but Eric couldn't run. He brought his hands to his face and sobbed, unabashed and defeated. He knew Kyle was waiting for him, recognising the need to be silent and to let Eric speak. But what could Eric say? Except for-
"How?!" He cried, turning to face Kyle with glistening eyes. "How could you do this to me, Kyle?!"
Eric's tears had splintered Kyle's resolve, his chest heaving and face creased.
"I'm sorry!" He replied, a broken breath escaping his mouth as he moved closer and reached out. "I'm so sorry, Eric, you have no idea how-"
"Don't!" Eric shouted, batting Kyle's hand away. "This, th-this can't be happening, why did you do this, Kyle?!"
They were both staring at each other with wet eyes.
Kyle stepped forward and a tear travelled down his cheek. "Eric…"
"Why did you do this?!" Eric demanded, voice waterlogged and fists clenched.
Kyle's breath stuttered, but he stood defiant, infallible in spite of everything. He begged, "Eric, please, I love you… "
Eric shook his head, rubbing the back of his neck as he tried to detangle his thoughts.
"This doesn't make any sense! Just tell me why, Kyle! How did this happen?!"
Kyle's fractured, creased smile drew tight, furiously cobbled together, and something in his eyes hardened. "Not until you tell me where you've been all these years!"
Eric blinked and the longer he stared at Kyle, the more he withered under the glare of Kyle's resentment.
"Kyle-"
"No!" Kyle interjected, pointing an accusing finger at Eric. "No we're both at fault here!" His voice cracked. "I… I know I've done a horrible thing, and I have to take responsibility for hurting you, but- fuck! What was I supposed to think, Eric?!" His voice gained an incredulous, slighted octave. "You've been gone seven years and I had no idea what happened to you!"
Eric was fuming again now, breathing heavily because Kyle's accusations were true and exhausting.
"Alright! I get it!" he admitted. "We both messed up. But at least I had good intentions! You…" Eric's eyes, his heart, stung. He let saltwater rush into the fissures of his voice when he said the words he thought he'd never say, "You've cheated on me, Kyle!"
Kyle's eyes widened, cinnamon brows pulling together as he stumbled. "N-no, I haven't!"
Still stubborn, but the stammer had failed him.
"Yes you have!" Eric argued, indignant. "No matter how you spin it you've cheated on me and betrayed me and, and… broken my heart!"
Another truth to send them crashing.
"And I'm sorry, Eric! I never wanted to do any of that to you!" Kyle countered, before gripping his hair in frustration and crying, "But, God, you abandoned me!"
"Kyle-"
"You abandoned me!" Kyle cried again, clearly they were both tired of excuses. "You abandoned me, and left me confused, and scared, and miserable out of my mind! Even after you knew how crushed I was the first time you were gone! Did you even think of what you were doing to me?!"
Indignation bubbled inside Eric, fuelled by mounting betrayal that pushed his own remorse aside. "Did you think about what this would do to me once I found out?!"
Kyle went to open his mouth, to yell his retort, before he thought better of it.
"Yes," he replied calmly, face placid but he was shaking. "Yes, I did, until it crossed my mind that you may not be coming back at all."
His voice wavered with the weight of his sincerity, and it tugged at Eric's heart.
"And what did that feel like?" Eric asked, wanting to know what had changed for Kyle to be able to go through with this. If anything had changed at all.
"It felt awful…" Kyle admitted, staring down at the carpet briefly before lifting his head again, "it felt …" he closed his eyes as he searched for the word, opening them when he found it. "Devastating. I think about you all the time and don't you dare try to deny that."
Kyle's hard tone was bumpy, fraught with tender wounds.
"I believe you," Eric said, voice scratchy. He gulped down his tears and continued, "But I still don't understand. I still don't understand how you could-"
"I know," Kyle interrupted, his tone was edgy. He sighed, "I know but I can't talk about this now."
Eric sighed too, exasperated. "Then when are we going to talk about it?"
"Tomorrow?" Kyle asked, swollen with hope, it flickered into a smile. "Can I talk to you tomorrow?"
Eric's stony face wouldn't allow a smile; it felt foolish to even do so. Kyle's disappointment made his heart creak, but Eric couldn't be so willing to give Kyle what he wanted, he couldn't be so naïve.
"Do you have a place to stay?" Kyle asked.
"What?"
Kyle closed his eyes, as if the question had been hard enough the first time. Eric knew he was finding this sudden change difficult. So, so much had changed…
"I said, do you have a place to stay?"
"Um, no…" Eric replied, embarrassed he had come so unprepared, in every sense of the word.
"And I suppose you don't have any money either?" Kyle asked, concern creasing his voice.
Eric shook his head, face burning.
"Fuck…" Kyle muttered, studying the wallpaper before he said, "I can set you up in a hotel down the street? I just need to get some money out first. Wait here."
Eric nodded, and Kyle smiled tightly at him before disappearing into his apartment. A few minutes later he returned with a coat on his back and a wallet in his hand.
"Come on…" Kyle murmured, his gaze preoccupied, and they didn't look at each other when they walked to the elevator.
Eric hoped the silence they had imposed would become bearable when they were outside, in the fresh air. But it didn't make a difference, not when he still had questions in need of answering.
Maybe this silence was so difficult because they wanted – needed – to speak to each other, but everything was so uncomfortable and stifling that neither knew what to say.
They could at least try though, and Eric was going to be the one to make the effort.
"Won't your…" Eric paused, forcing the word onto his tongue, "fiancé get suspicious about you leaving the party?"
Kyle had looked at him when he started to speak, but withdrew his gaze as soon as his fiancé was mentioned. Eric supposed he and this mysterious guy who had stolen Kyle's heart couldn't co-exist, even if Kyle was in love with both of them. But love transcends anything, the exception to every rule; emotional, scientific or otherwise.
"No, I told him I was going to the store," Kyle replied. "To get some more drinks."
Eric was inundated with bitterness, jealousy, indignation. He couldn't keep them at bay even if he wanted to.
"Lying, huh?" He remarked, "A wonderful start to every marriage."
Kyle sighed, bowing his head as they walked but Eric could've sworn he saw him wincing.
"Relax, it wasn't a big lie," Kyle said testily. "It's not as if we're- never mind…"
Kyle picked up his pace, hurriedly making his way to the ATM that was in sight, leaving the end of his sentence – running away fromit – with Eric. But Eric caught up to him, knowing what Kyle was going to say and he wouldn't let him forget it.
"I wasn't expecting us to," Eric mumbled, standing next to Kyle at the ATM.
Kyle looked up at him, those green eyes the closest they had been to Eric all evening. They were forlorn, resigned.
"We couldn't anyway," Kyle replied, before glancing at Eric's arm. "Not with that thing on your wrist."
"Or that ring on your finger," Eric countered.
Kyle blinked, his eyes filmy due to Eric's words prompting fresh tears. His Adam's apple bobbed in his throat and Kyle swiftly returned his attention to the machine before Eric could say anything.
"This should pay for the room," he said, handing Eric as much cash as he could offer him. "I could walk you to the hotel?"
"No, I'm fine, thanks," Eric replied, taking the money and tucking it in his pocket.
Kyle was still nodding, disappointed when Eric looked at him.
"Alright, well, it's a Holiday Inn," Kyle said, trying to inject some optimism or neutrality into his voice… anything that wasn't mournful or heavy.
"It's only a couple of blocks down that way," he added, pointing Eric in the direction of the hotel.
Eric's gaze followed Kyle's finger and he nodded. "Okay…" he returned to Kyle with a threadbare smile, "thanks."
The smile Kyle offered him was deeper, fuller but it belied his glistening, brimming eyes. They both had a lot to say to each other, but it appeared Eric was trying to repress it, while Kyle wasn't afraid to show his struggle at keeping all those words contained.
"Hold out your arm," he commanded softly.
Eric obeyed, because he still trusted him. He watched Kyle reach into his coat pocket and pull out a pen. Rolling up the sleeve of Eric's shirt, Kyle wrote on his arm.
"This is my number," he explained. "Call me when the party is finished and we can talk about tomorrow."
"What time will the party finish?"
"Not late," Kyle replied, putting the pen away. "Twelve thirty?"
"And what if it isn't over by then?" Eric asked, not caring if he was making the situation more uncomfortable. He felt he deserved to be petulant, unaccommodating.
"I'll answer anyway," Kyle assured, forever rising to him and winning. "I'll keep an ear out."
Eric nodded because, again, he trusted Kyle.
"So…" Eric began, taking another glance down the street, before sighing and looking to Kyle once more. "I guess this is goodbye."
Kyle's smile sank into a frown, but he stepped forward.
"Until tomorrow," he replied, voice steeped in hope.
"Right," Eric nodded, looking into Kyle's eyes when he replied, "until tomorrow."
It coaxed a smile out of Kyle, and Eric reflected it because regardless of engagement rings and time tethers, impatience and errors in judgement, they had both broken a piece of each other.
Though this is killing me, we're both in the wrong.
Eric walked away, heading to the hotel while Kyle joined his fiancé in the apartment they undoubtedly shared – among other things. Another devastating blow, but when he turned around, Kyle was still in the distance, waiting for him.
Only then did Eric realise how silly it was, that Kyle should wait when nothing was certain.
Not even love – certain, stubborn, bulletproof love – could change that.
Eric didn't meet the eyes of the front desk clerk when he checked into the hotel, mumbling his words and accepting the key to his room resentfully.
The suite was plain, pale, with crisp sheets, a plump mattress and was sparsely furnished. Perhaps Eric had been spoiled for lavish, themed hotel rooms with light shows and wintery scenes? For romance?
He had looked at the clinical bed bloated with stiff pillows and he felt exhausted… and scared of sleeping alone, without Kyle folded in his arms, rising and falling against him. As if he were the moon controlling the tide, the ebb and flow of their arrangement; natural but unnatural, perfect but complicated, fulfilling but unfair.
But the moon had collapsed into the sea, or the waves had risen and swallowed it whole. The past was a surreal, disturbing place for Eric to be without Kyle, and without Kyle there seemed to be no reason or purpose for him to be there at all.
He then thought of what Kyle told him, before Eric had revealed how little visits he had left, before they had promised to be selfish for each other's sakes… Kyle wanted Eric to have more to come back to, more than a hotel room for one.
Eric couldn't stare at that bed any longer. On the nightstand, next to the phone, were a pen and a stack of cards – so one could leave a note and thank the lovely hotel staff for a marvellous room. Eric wrote down Kyle's number on the card instead, so when he took a shower he would still have the number somewhere if not on his skin. He could watch the soapy, inky water disappear down the drain that reminded Eric of Kyle's engagement ring.
After his shower, Eric lay down on that damn bed and flicked through the channels on the TV. But he was more interested in the clock, the hands dragging themselves to twelve thirty arduously. Eric had done enough waiting, and the stress of anymore was sure to drive him crazy.
Twelve thirty finally arrived and Eric grabbed the phone like it was about to scurry from the night-stand. Picking up the card he had left beside it, he dialled Kyle's number and he could feel himself unravelling with every ring.
"Hello?"
"Hey…" Eric murmured, tracing circles on the sheets below him.
"Eric!" Kyle gasped, hope fizzing in his voice. "Hi! Thanks so much for calling,"
"We needed to talk," Eric reminded him.
"Right…" Kyle's excitement dulled significantly. "You check in okay? How's the room?"
"It's fine," Eric replied with a small smile as he studied the room. "Bed's fine, shower's fine. How was the party?"
"It was nice," Kyle said unevenly. "Though my mind was wandering…"
Eric gulped, Kyle's words constricting his heart, and he stared at the empty space beside him. If he wasn't so distracted and hurt and so infuriatingly unsure of himself, he would've offered Kyle that space, to see him tonight and talk in the morning. But he couldn't bare the rejection, didn't want to test Kyle's loyalty if the outcome wouldn't be in his favour.
"The, uh, hotel has a bar," Kyle tried to revive the conversation. "Did you see it? When you checked in?"
"Yeah," Eric replied, nodding to himself. "I saw it."
"Good. I'll meet you there tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock," Kyle's tone was brisk and insincere. Eric believed Kyle wanted to see him, but he didn't believe that Kyle thought it was so easy. "We can talk as much as we want, you can ask me all the questions you need to ask-"
"You mean that?" Eric interjected, before he could have Kyle's word on anything.
"Yes," Kyle answered, the cracks in his taut masque showing.
"Even if they're questions you probably don't want to answer?"
Nothing.
But Eric was happy to wait in the truer silence, if it meant getting an honest response.
"… Guess that's my punishment," Kyle finally replied, rueful. "Uncomfortable questions."
Eric shook his head, a dent in his brow. How did they get here? From embraces, tenderness, declarations of love, and stars, to separate beds, and resentment, and punishment? No, Eric wouldn't let that happen. He may have been cruel and petty before but he wouldn't love that way, he would never subject Kyle to that.
"I don't want to punish you," he said softly, gentle enough for Kyle to know he meant it.
There was a crackling, grateful pause. "You don't?"
"No," Eric whispered.
Another silence, Kyle could even make those beautiful, make Eric want to listen to nothing all night.
Kyle chuckled thinly, as if his amusement was an inadequate band-aid on a raw, swollen scar.
"That's a relief," he said, before murmuring, "I've punished myself enough as it is."
Eric sighed, too tired to face what Kyle had done or what had happened to them. "Good night, Kyle."
"Good night, Eric," Kyle replied, and Eric could hear his smile.
A long, obnoxious beep disconnected them, the noise stretching like a chasm to keep them apart until tomorrow.
Eric tensely studied the swirling, mahogany patterns of the table as he waited for Kyle. His head was bowed and his hand was in his hair as he thought of all the questions he wanted to ask, the things he had to say.
There were already a lot of ways to describe Eric's relationship with Kyle; peculiar, enigmatic, defiant, Eric supposed magnetic was also rather fitting. For when he innocently glanced at the bar entrance that bled into the lobby, Kyle was there, green eyes piercing the room and hitting Eric like a choreographed spotlight.
Despite his perfect aim, Kyle smiled shyly and humourlessly as he made his way over to Eric. When he was close enough, Eric noticed that his eyes were shining perhaps too brightly.
"Hey," Kyle said, pulling up the chair across from him. "Did you get a drink?"
"No," Eric replied, tired from lack of sleep and drained from his restless thoughts. "I don't drink."
"You had a glass of champagne at dinner, remember?" Kyle asked, still smiling, his cheeriness worn. "On my birthday?"
That memory – though bittersweet due to their current circumstance – roused a small smile from Eric, one that spilled onto his face.
"That was a special occasion," Eric replied. "Are you going to get anything?"
Kyle blinked and glanced at the bar behind him.
"No, no," he said, eyes on the table as he shook his head. "I, uh, try to avoid alcohol in situations like this."
"That's wise," Eric commented.
Lowered inhibitions and remarks made in the heavy heat of the moment were an even greater cause for regret when Eric and Kyle's time together was already so limited.
"Thanks for agreeing to this, Eric," Kyle said gently, resuming his smile that struggled to reach his eyes.
"You don't have to keep thanking me. I want to talk about this."
"You do?" Kyle asked, he arched his eyebrow before shifting in his seat and chuckling limply, "I'm terrified."
Eric's Adam's apple bobbed in his throat. He appreciated Kyle's honesty.
Glad it's not just me.
"Alright, no," he admitted with a sigh. "There are other – more pleasant – things I'd rather be doing with my time here, but I can't. We need to do this, Kyle."
Kyle nodded, eyes closed and the emotional cracks were already showing in his face.
"So-"
"I'm sorr-"
They met each other's eyes, abandoning their hasty words.
"No apologies for now," Eric proposed. "Not until I know everything."
Kyle nodded slowly. "Okay," he said, but he didn't sound sure. "Makes sense."
"No, it doesn't," Eric muttered, before raising his now hard voice, an impassioned tone bubbling beneath the surface. "None of this makes sense, Kyle."
"That's your side of it, Eric," Kyle replied, his face passive but his voice barbed. "You're entitled to feel the way you do and though it pains me to admit it… I hurt you badly. I know, alright? But you don't understand what it was like-"
"I don't know what it's like?" Eric interrupted. "I don't know what waiting feels like? What the fuck do you think I did all those years, Kyle?!"
Kyle's eyes flashed warily and he looked over his shoulder. "Will you keep your voice down?" He whispered.
The bar wasn't crowded, the sound of clinking glasses and mumbled, dull conversation was barely noticeable. Besides, what did it matter if it was? Eric didn't give a shit about losing his temper in a room full of strangers, but he supposed Kyle did, and then it all made sense why they had arranged to meet here.
"Oh…" Eric nodded, leaning back in his chair and observing Kyle bitterly. "I get it…"
"What?" Kyle asked, withering like the guilty always do
"That's why you wanted to meet in this bar, isn't it?" Eric asked, his quiet voice dripping with incredulity. "So I wouldn't make a scene? So I couldn't get angry at you, or shout, or cry? Because you couldn't face that. You keep saying you know how much you hurt me, but you don't want to see it, do you?"
Kyle's eyes widened and he shrunk back into his chair. "I… I…"
"No, Kyle, I know it's the truth," Eric replied wobbly, unabashed in the hurt Kyle was trying to hide from. "I'm just disappointed. I never thought you could be such a coward."
The legs of his chair scraped loudly against the floor and Eric didn't look at Kyle as he stormed out, wouldn't grant Kyle the twisted victory of his crushed expression. The other patrons Kyle had been so concerned about disturbing (a convenient shield), were following Eric's outburst, and they watched Kyle practically leap out of his chair as he went after him.
Eric stormed across the polished lobby, head bowed and resisting tears. Maybe he would give in if the elevator was empty-
"Eric!"
Eric quickened his steps, and so did Kyle, the twinned, frantic echo was maddening.
"Eric, where are you going?!" Kyle asked, his voice ringing through the large space.
The elevator was in sight.
Eric turned around, and in doing so must've set up some invisible force field that a wide-eyed, frozen-faced Kyle bounced off of.
"To my hotel room, and then I'll probably go back home," Eric replied, that force field also acting as a protective bubble. "I wouldn't want to disturb anymore of the happy couple's celebrations."
Kyle's fists were clenched, his brow knitted, and although Eric was bigger than him, he certainly wasn't faster than him, and he quickly blocked the elevator so Eric couldn't step inside.
"No!" Kyle protested, shouting in Eric's face.
"What are you doing?"
"You can't do this to me!" Kyle cried, arms spread and back as straight and taut as a tightrope as he guarded the elevator, protecting what he and Eric shared before he could run away. "You're not leaving me again!"
Shame had split Eric's hard outer shell and he mumbled, "move, Kyle-"
Kyle stamped his foot and looked to the ceiling in despair.
"God damn it, no!" He cried again, his voice tearing and his chest heaving. "I'm coming to your room and we are having this talk!"
Eric stared at Kyle wordlessly before replying, "Then let me get in the elevator."
He could've shrunk away in embarrassment when Kyle's wild, emerald eyes searched his face, and Kyle was still panting when he stepped aside and let Eric into the elevator. They stood at a distance as they rode in silence, daring to look at each other as if they were opponents rather than lovers. But each short, stubborn glance was heavy with longing; a desire for each other as well as a desire to win. Eric supposed romance hadn't dulled the rivalrous edge to their relationship.
He was first out of the confining elevator when they reached his floor, leaving a flushed Kyle to trail after him to the hotel room. Once there, Eric stood by his temporary bed, his back turned to Kyle as his thoughts darted around his head.
"Just tell me how, Kyle, I…" Eric turned to him then, saw Kyle lingering by the closed door, back against the wall. Eric raised his voice but didn't shout. "I don't understand how this could've happened."
Kyle shook his head. "You weren't here," he answered simply. "You weren't here and I was miserable and lonely and, and I needed you! God, it felt like being ten years old and having no fucking clue where you were all over again! But at least back then I didn't love you – not in the way I do now. Eric…" Kyle faltered, bowing his head and saying just loud enough, "I thought you had died…"
"Died?"
Eric's eyebrows rose, and he swayed softly with the sour reminder that although they were such a huge part of each other's lives, they were still so separate, so much so that Kyle could've thought such a thing.
"Or gotten sick, or hurt, or reprimanded by those fucking otters for just trying to be with me!" Kyle added, looking up at Eric and revealing just how desperate he had been, how he still was.
"I was so helpless!" He continued, charged to the point of frazzling before his voice grew soft, "and then Neil came along and… he made me happy. He made me realise that I couldn't keep waiting. I've – we've – been waiting our whole lives for each other, Eric, but is that any way to live? Really?"
A small, disbelieving huff left Eric's mouth. "But… But, I… you…" confusion and hurtling confessions were jumbling his words. "When I told you that I had plans… to fix this huge wrong, to bring us together once and for all, you believed me. You thought I could do it even when I had doubts! Did that guy make you forget all of that? Can he offer you something better?"
Kyle shook his head, folding his arms across his chest to shield himself from Eric's jealousy. "Don't drag Neil into this…"
"No!" Eric snapped, loathing how Kyle was being so protective of the man who had destroyed them. "No, let's, since he's the reason we can't be together!"
Kyle had previously averted his gaze, but now his eyes were boring into him.
"Time is the reason we can't be together!" Kyle shouted, throwing his arms to his sides. "Time! And that's bigger than Neil, bigger than you, bigger than us!"
Eric scowled and turned away from the unstoppable, undeniable truth. It was the truth that resided in both of them, a malignant foe that appeared to have won.
Kyle must have sensed his difficulty in finally accepting such a sad reality. He softened his voice but stayed close to the wall when he said: "Of course I believed in you, Eric. A part of me still does," he sighed thinly. "But what you hope, and what you know are two very different things. And hope, however tantalising and promising isn't substantial. Knowing?... Knowing is."
Eric finally looked at Kyle, wanting to test his new piece of wisdom when he asked, "And what do you know, Kyle?"
Kyle's gaze remain fixed on Eric as he thought, decisive and careful.
"I know that you love me, and that Neil loves me," Kyle replied, unwavering like Eric admired. "And that Neil is here, and you're not. I know that I can have a life with Neil, I can have something dependable… something I wish I could have with you. I know that I've done enough waiting to last me a lifetime and I'm tired…" Kyle took a deep, shaky breath. "I'm tired of not beingwith you."
Eric blinked, and his throat seemed to shrink as the pressure of the situation crushed his lungs and heart. Their reality – cruel and poisonous – was somewhat bearable when they silently accepted it, tried to overlook it, but uttering the injustice of it out loud was like admitting defeat. When Eric wasn't ready yet.
I'll never be ready to let him go.
Kyle continued. "I know I have to live with the guilt of breaking your heart…" he lowered his gaze and muttered, "breaking my own heart…" he composed himself, impressive, almost regal. Eric would never demote Kyle from the stratosphere, he couldn't. "My relationship with Neil, falling in love with him, accepting his proposal wasn't easy, because I was still waiting for you, even when I thought I knew the truth."
Eric furrowed his eyebrows. "What truth?"
Kyle's shoulders slouched with the burden of his answer, with the burden of Eric's naivety. "That you weren't coming back."
Eric shook his head slowly, but the flames of the indignation he had subdued roared thick and fast.
"Science… science fucking damn it, Kyle!" He shouted. "I was always going to come back for you, didn't you realise that?! Did that ever occur to you in the seven years without me?! Kyle, I get that you missed me, and I get that you had no idea where I was but your actions were so reckless!"
Kyle's eyebrows shot up and his mouth hung agape. It seemed like the flames were catching. "Reckless?!"
"Yeah!" Eric returned. "They were reckless and, and thoughtless and selfish! You've just been selfish, Kyle!"
"Stop it!" Kyle cried, stamping his foot again and clutching the sides of head, fingers tangled in his curls. "For fuck's sake, I'm not perfect, Eric! I get scared and I make mistakes and my actions may hurt you sometimes but that doesn't mean that I don't care about you! That I don't love you!" Face creased, Kyle released his curls but shook his head. "Shit, you've put me on this impossible pedestal and had me there for so long that I can't slip up! Do you realise how stressful that is?! How much pressure you've put on me?! I-I'm not a star to keep in your pocket, I'm not your universe, or your everything! I can't be! I'm one person and that shouldn't be enough for you, should it?! Why do you think I wanted you to consider visiting your mom, our friends?! Because there's more to your life than just me, there should be more!"
"But there's not!" Eric yelled, his tears were almost as scorching as Kyle's words. "And I don't want there to be, all I want is you!" There was wetness at his cheeks now. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you! T-t-to just be happy and grow old with you! And I thought it was bad enough when it was damn near impossible to give you all that, but knowing that another guy can steal all I've ever wanted away from me just by putting a ring on your finger?" Eric stopped then, shuddering and wrapping his arms around himself. "It's so much worse…"
Bowing his head, Eric almost didn't hear Kyle take reluctant, sympathetic steps towards him until his shadow was at his feet.
"Listen," he soothed. "Forgiving me would be too big of an ask but… can't you at least understand where I'm coming from here?" Kyle ducked his head and tried to reach Eric's eyes when he didn't get an answer. "Eric?"
Eric nodded. "Yes. Yes I can, Kyle, and I'm sorry," he lifted his head, tried to encourage himself with Kyle's hopeful expression. "However good my intentions I shouldn't have kept you waiting that long, or put that pressure on you but… I'm still so confused," he admitted. "The waiting, the fiancé, it doesn't add up. I guess I just thought what we shared – how we felt for each other – was stronger than that. I'll never stop loving you, not even for a second, but that ring…" Eric glanced at Kyle's hand, at torturous silver, "that ring tells me that you can."
Kyle backed away then, but Eric felt too bruised to protest (if he even had the right to).
"Do you hear yourself?! Wait, you must not because it seems like you haven't been listening to me!" Kyle exclaimed. "I still love you! I've always loved you and I always will! Fiancé or no fiancé, time tether or no time tether, I love you, Eric! But now that you can't get your own way, now that you can't have me in the way you've wanted you're acting like the spoiled kid you used to be! Christ, you're twenty-one, you're still a kid!"
Eric could have laughed, but instead he resumed his bitter smirk from the bar.
"A kid, huh?" He questioned derisively. "I wasn't a kid when you were fucking me in that hotel room!"
Kyle huffed, flushing at Eric's crude phrasing. "Will you grow up?!"
"Grow up?!" Eric's voice was on the verge of hysteria. "We're the same age, Kyle!"
"No, we would've been the same age if this fucking time travel crap hadn't happened!" Kyle yelled. "If you hadn't been so selfish and stupid!"
And suddenly Eric was the accused, the guilty, and he wanted to squirm out of it before it ate him alive.
"Stop it!" He demanded.
"No, it's a fact!" Kyle replied, before his voice hardened. "And you want to hear some more? It's been sixteen years since you came back to me the first time, since you saved me-"
Eric shook his head. "Stop-"
"It's been twelve years since our first kiss. Twelve years since you told me you were in love with me!"
"I said, stop!"
But Kyle was edging closer, driving the guilt and less than desirable reality forward.
"It's been seven god damn years since you lost your virginity to me-"
"Kyle-"
"Seven years since you cried in my arms because you were just as terrified as I was! Because you're sick and tired of us not being together as well-"
"Kyle, I swear-"
"And where are we now?! You're still twenty-one, and I was in my fucking thirties waiting for you! I'm engaged to another man and you're leaving tomorrow, again!"
"That's enough!" Eric roared, fists clenched so tight that he no doubt had dented his palms.
But Kyle was crying – sobbing – carelessly, and Eric realised he wasn't saying all of those things to rile Eric up, to break him down, he was saying them simply because… it was the truth. The unfiltered, unadulterated truth stripped of affection, of stars, of chemistry, of genuine, valiant but heedless love.
"That could've been our engagement party last night, in our apartment," Kyle continued. "You could have a ring on your finger too, one that I gave you. I have a wonderful life with Neil, one I could've easily had with you."
Kyle was right in front of him now, listening to Eric pant, exhausted as they had both been for years… A lifetime, in fact.
"But you weren't there," Kyle said, and Eric hated how their fall had happened so easily. "And that's not your fault. That's history's fault… that's circumstance's fault. It was just a case of the wrong place at the wrong time."
Kyle was smiling sadly, his eyes brimming with tears, looking so fractured and beautiful, for Eric to gently put back together. But long-term solutions were not in his reach yet, and the impatience that had led them here was sure to drive him crazy in the meantime. And short-term, superficial answers, well, with that ring on Kyle's finger they weren't so easily accessible.
Eric's gaze flitted from that gleaming band to Kyle's forlorn, patient face, he thought of everything else their relationship had defied – for better or worse – and decided an engagement ring was nothing.
Taking two fistfuls of Kyle's shirt, Eric tugged him forward and smashed their lips together. Kyle's mouth initially froze against Eric's, before he melted compliantly. The kiss remained close-mouthed, static but urgent, and Kyle pressed himself flush to Eric, hands blindly wandering Eric's upper arms before clinging to him.
Desperation was keeping them bound together; if they kissed a little harder, held on a little tighter than maybe everything would change. Eric would stay, and hope that would be enough to make Kyle's decision easy; he would leave his fiancé, remove the ring, Eric would remove his time tether, and they would both feel lighter, free, if only.
But that couldn't happen, not now and not easily. A shared realisation and when it both hit them, their kiss seemed prolonged and futile, though a commendable effort. They were panting when it was over, Kyle's body was searing against Eric's, his lips pinked and his eyes were wide, his pupils galvanised ink blots on perfect green. A slip up, a mistake, and Eric could see his tiny, shining reflection. But he wasn't dismayed, since Kyle was looking at him like he wanted to make that mistake all over again.
His hands were still resting on Eric's arms, and Eric's breath caught in his throat when Kyle clutched at his sleeves and dragged him down to his lips. They stumbled from the force of the kiss, and swayed precariously as Kyle tested his decision. But Eric wouldn't let Kyle be discouraged, allow him to believe this was nothing but right. He fitted his hands at Kyle's waist again, holding him close and protecting him from such dangerous things as moral implications.
It seemed that Eric's encouragement eradicated any doubts Kyle may have had when he led Eric forward, impatient and determined. Spurred on by the loud thud when Kyle's back hit the wall, Eric moved his hand from Kyle's waist to his jaw, tipping his head up and taking Kyle's lower lip into his mouth, their bodies practically fusing. Kyle kept his stubborn grip on Eric's now tensed bicep, his fingers paling due to how tightly he held on, but he slid his other hand over Eric's damp neck and into his hair, tugging as gently as their rough, wild kiss would allow.
"How can you throw this away?" Eric whispered, voice stern but the peck that followed was soft.
Kyle shook his head, eyes hooded. "I'm not throwing anything away."
Kyle returned Eric's peck and it quickly deepened, tongues grappling and lungs heaving as if their whole bodies were conflicted, not just their relationship in need of unwinding and unknotting.
Their mouths separated with a wet smack that just about rose above their laboured breathing. Eric whimpered; face creasing as he pressed his forehead against Kyle's, their noses rubbing together.
"I love you so much," he mumbled.
Kyle was panting, and he petted the back of Eric's head when he replied, "I love you too."
"More than him?"
Kyle's fingers grew limp in Eric's hair, his head thudding softly against the wall before he slipped out of Eric's embrace.
He sighed, "God damn it, Eric…"
Head bowed, Eric murmured, "I'm sorry."
You're an idiot if you thought this would last forever. Any of this.
Eric turned away, rubbing the back of his neck and remembering where Kyle had held him as he walked over to his bed, sitting on the edge. His head remained lowered, but he could feel Kyle's eyes on him, breathing shallowly to himself when Kyle made his way over to him and dropped to his knees.
"Please," Kyle whispered, taking Eric's hand. "Even if you don't understand everything else, can you at least understand that I love you? And I always will?"
Eric's eyes burned. Everything seemed impossible now, he shook his head.
"But-"
"No," Kyle protested softly. "It's simple, Eric. I love you! Even if I can't be with you…"
Eric sniffed. "Even though you're with somebody else?"
In the silence, Eric glanced at Kyle and his chest tightened at how destroyed and desperate Kyle looked before him.
"Yes," Kyle smiled wetly, squeezing Eric's hand before pressing a kiss to it. "Yes of course I love you…"
Eric choked on a sob, lifting his free hand to his face and swiping at any stray tears.
"Please…" Kyle whispered, begging as he kissed each of Eric's knuckles. "Please say it…please say that you know…"
Eric couldn't help but smile at Kyle, and he pursed his lips as he realised he knew, he had always known.
Kyle's grip was tight, but Eric managed to slide his hand out of Kyle's hold and limply cup his cheek. He felt Kyle stiffen with surprise that he could still be the recipient of their sacred gesture, but he soon keened to the touch and looked up at Eric with a wide, grateful smile.
"I love you, Kyle," Eric said, thumbing at Kyle's cheek. "I even love your mistakes, I love that your imperfect, and I love that you make me love those things."
Kyle pursed his lips, and Eric could tell he was enjoying the touch, that it was the acceptance he had been yearning for.
"And I know, deep in my heart that you love me too," Eric continued, voice thickening. "I'm sorry that I ever doubted you."
Kyle sighed, shattered, and when tears dripped from his lashes Eric quickly brushed them away.
"So…" Eric began, gulping before he continued, "What's your fiancé like?"
Kyle's eyebrows lifted momentarily in surprise, before he smiled. "He's tall, with dark brown hair and teal eyes."
"Teal?"
"Yeah, they're very distinctive."
Eric chuckled, faint but warm.
"And what does he do?" He asked.
"He works in the IT department of a big, multi-national corporation," Kyle replied.
"And he makes you happy?" Eric asked, of all the details he could have of Kyle's fiancé that one was the most crucial. "Right?"
Kyle nodded. "He really does…"
"Good," Eric smiled. "I'm glad of that."
Kyle sniffed, smiling before ducking his head and wiping his tears. He rose from the floor slowly and sat next to Eric on the bed, knees touching.
"Does this mean I need to stop seeing you?" Eric asked, waiting for rejection. But he would understand, and just have to learn to accept it.
"God, no!" Kyle replied, shifting on the bed and stroking Eric's arm. "You think I'd let you out of my life again? Of course you can see me."
Eric should've taken the answer gladly, but the cloud of devastation had lifted and he could see that Kyle was truly happy. Although he had missed him, Kyle was happy and perhaps it was only fair for Kyle to have a chance at this new happiness, even if Eric couldn't see it. Even if it meant keeping his distance for a while.
"It's just that, it may be hard..." Eric explained, "With you getting married soon."
Kyle nodded thoughtfully, staring at the engagement ring. "Right…"
Although Kyle had been hopeful for Eric's return before, it wasn't a substantial hope, a reassured hope. If Eric wanted to leave Kyle anything, it was that. It wasn't as material, or as precious as a star, but it was still something Kyle could hold onto.
"We'll make it work," Eric promised, taking Kyle's hand in his own.
Kyle squeezed back.
"I'm sure we will," he smiled.
In the remnants of their argument, the engagement, of the aforementioned cloud of devastation, Eric couldn't help but wonder if their bond had actually strengthened. If their love had grown a little more selfless.
Not long after, they left the room, and Eric offered to walk Kyle out of the hotel. It was sunny when they stepped outside, but there was a metallic tang in the air like it had been raining. The pavements were glistening, sparkling with sun drops.
It was late afternoon but it felt like the day was still breaking, something was definitely dawning. The city shone with spring, inviting and promising, but Eric and Kyle still remained at the hotel entrance, under the shady, green canopy. Whatever the future held, however content or exciting it could prove to be, they were still so sheepish and reluctant to move forward. If it meant leaving each other, new understanding or not it was still difficult.
Another word to describe their relationship, Eric realised; difficult. But worth every second.
He surveyed the street in front of him. "So-"
Kyle didn't give him a chance to finish, throwing his arms around Eric's neck with a tiny huff. Eric was rigid for a moment, before slowly wrapping his arms around Kyle's warm, welcome body and sinking into the embrace, needing it as much as Kyle clearly did.
"I'm going to miss you so much," Kyle whispered, inhaling Eric shakily.
Eric's smile crinkled when he felt dampness at his neck.
I'll miss you too," he replied with a soft squeeze.
The pressure of their fortifying hug was released carefully when Kyle moved his arms from Eric's neck, and his fingertips trailing down Eric's arm was a different, blissfully soft pressure. Kyle stopped at Eric's elbows, tracing contemplative circles, not protesting when Eric's hold remained firm, bracing him just as sturdily as he ever had.
And so they stood, for the first time feeling like they had all the time in the world. Or perhaps they were still trying to find it in each other's eyes? Intent, were it not for Kyle's occasional wandering to Eric's mouth, before he reached up and lips met.
Like the embrace, the kiss was sudden and strong and sure, and although Eric's eyes again flashed in surprise, they quickly slipped shut. His body was ruined for Kyle's touch now, one little kiss was enough to melt him.
"I love you," Kyle whispered in the space between their lips. He kissed Eric chastely again before nodding, "and I'm proud of you."
Eric smiled and pressed their foreheads together. "I love you too, Kyle."
Smiling too, Kyle lifted his hand to Eric's face, cupping his cheek. If Kyle's kiss melted him, then that one action made Eric implode, his heart splintering his insides. It could've been seconds or hours that Kyle's hand was on his cheek, all Eric knew was that the warmth was gone too soon, and that Kyle was already walking down the hotel steps.
His feet met the sidewalk, and when Kyle turned back Eric was still there. His smile looked even more dazzling in the sunlight. Eric directed one, short nod at Kyle and watched as he walked back home, back to Neil.
Despite the heavy ache of Kyle's departure, Eric felt lighter: that confused, stressful ball of bitterness and jealousy had unravelled; that dark, despairing confusion had dispersed; because Eric had projected it, and Kyle had helped him see through the envious webs, the heart-wrenching fog.
Still, Eric couldn't help but feel like he had forgotten something…
"Wait!" He called out. "Kyle!"
Kyle turned around, brow creased. "Yeah?"
Eric fidgeted, rubbing the back of his neck. "…Congratulations!"
Kyle's shoulders slouched, and his smile grew wider, so relieving that it made Eric feel lightheaded. He smiled too as he watched Kyle walk away, on pavement that glowed with clarifying, hopeful light.
A/N: We're still not finished, but a new phase in the story has definitely started. Let me know what you think, and thanks again!