A/N: Hi, all! Thank you all so, so much for your reviews, faves, and follows! I'm so sorry for the delay. Life has gotten crazier than I even anticipated. My updates may not be as frequent as they once were for a little while, but I will be working on and updating both fics as often as I can. Anyway, I get into some medical stuff here and I am not a doctor haha I apologize in advance for any glaring errors or mistakes! A possible Dan chapter was mentioned and that's definitely something I've thought about. I think if I did it, I'd want it to be a special chapter? I don't know. It's a thought so don't be surprised if it happens one of these chapters. Also, don't be surprised if it doesn't though lol. In the meantime, I hope you all enjoy this one!
Blair is walking home from class when she sees Inside on display in a book store. She stops in front of the store and moves closer to the window to look at it. Dan's name still isn't on it. She wonders why that is. There's no need to be anonymous anymore. She'd ask him, but they haven't spoken since last week. The ball's in his court and he seems intent on not touching it. It's been a long week. She's been tired and crankier than usual. The nausea rarely seems to subside. Pregnancy is not agreeing with her. This is the first day she's been out of bed since she and Dan talked and that's only because she was at risk of being dropped from her classes if she didn't go today. She hurled a whole tray of food at Serena and Beatrice when they came into her room all happy and sunny, trying to get her to go shopping with them. She's not in the mood. She knows she has to get over it all and move on, but it's so hard. She hurt Dan so much that he doesn't want to be with her anymore, and given his lack of contact, he doesn't even really want to be friends with her. The worst part is that it's all her fault. It's nearly impossible to live with.
"Blair?" She turns her head quickly and sees Nate approaching her, sweet smile in place. "What are you doing creeping outside of bookstores?"
She gives him a small smile and shrugs. "Just thinking." She looks back at the book display in the window. There's a sign with positive reviews and best-seller lists information about Dan's book. It makes her smile. She should hate the thing, but it's her fault that they've ended up like this, not a book's. It was never about a book.
"Have you read it yet?" Nate asks quietly.
"No." She sighs and shakes her head. "I—I hadn't worked up the courage."
"I thought Dan said you guys cleared everything up about the book?" She turns to look at him and finds the familiar confusion in his eyes. She missed him this summer.
"We did." She nods her head. "I just meant—It's a difficult situation I've put myself in, Nate." She looks around the street. "I know it's about me, but that almost makes it harder to read. I've made such a mess and over what? A book he wrote all about me?" She laughs dejectedly and throws her hand up. "I want to read it, but I really think it will hurt worse than thinking it was about Serena." She feels her eyes tear up.
"I'm sorry, Blair." He reaches a hand out and squeezes her shoulder.
"Pregnancy." She shakes her head and wipes away a tear. Nate smiles and tugs her to his side. She stays there for a moment, grateful for the compassion. She clears her throat and moves away. "So, you've spoken to Dan?" She asks softly. He nods his head and narrows his eyes. "How is he?" She fidgets and darts her eyes to the ground nervously.
Nate sighs loudly and her eyes fly back to his. "He's….He's had better days." The words hurt like she knew they would. She closes her eyes. "Hey, he's also had worse." Nate offers tentatively.
"Nate!" She looks at him in disbelief. "It doesn't help if I'm the one who caused those worse days."
"Oh, good point." She rolls her eyes. "Look, all I'm saying is that you guys have talked now, and while he still isn't exactly the happiest guy in New York, he is better. I think it's helped him to have some sort of closure." He shrugs and her heart squeezes in her chest. Closure. That's a scary word. "As much closure as you can have with a girl you're still crazy about and who also happens to be pregnant with your child." He gives her a warm, knowing smile.
She blushes and flips her hair over her shoulder. Her eyes cut to Dan's book. "Why isn't his name on it yet?" She looks back at him curiously.
"Oh, I don't know. I don't think he really cares." Her mouth falls open slightly and her hand moves to her stomach. He doesn't care? He wrote a critically adored best seller and he doesn't care? "It kind of ruined his life."
She looks back at Nate and frowns. "No, that was me."
Nate nods his head slowly. "That's true. You did have a hand in that." She swats him with her purse. "Hey, we have an open and honest relationship, Blair. We're adults." He frowns and rubs his arm.
"That's debatable." She quips absently. She pauses thoughtfully. "I hate that I took everything from him." She shakes her head and takes a deep breath. "He loved me and I destroyed him." She has to do better, be better than this.
"He loves you. Keep that in mind." He nudges her shoulder. "And I think you should also keep in mind that as difficult as this book is for you to read and accept, it's gotta be at least as hard for him to be proud of it. If you come around, maybe he will too." She can't bear to look at him. He might be right, but she's not sure she's ready. She looks at the ground and nods her head. "He—I don't know—I'm not sure he's destroyed. Not anymore anyway."
She looks back at Nate curiously. "Why are you encouraging me? Dan made it clear we're finished, romantically, and I can't say I blame him."
"I'm a hopeless romantic." He shrugs. "Read it, Blair. I think that's a good starting point for both of you." She looks at him and smiles as best she can. "I'm serious. Go in there and buy it. Take it home and read it. Relax. You look tired, which is odd considering Serena told me you've spent this past week in bed." He finishes playfully.
"I'm pregnant, Nate!" She looks at him with wide eyes. "It's exhausting sharing your body with another person." She grumbles.
"Yeah, it is." Nate says suggestively and winks at her. She groans and looks away. "Seriously, go crawl in bed and read it. Get all comfortable and take care of my god child." He smiles broadly.
She scoffs. "I'm not planning on letting you even hold my baby, Archibald." She rests her hand over her stomach protectively and smiles with faux sweetness.
He laughs and rolls his eyes. "We'll see." He kisses her cheek and leaves. "Read the damn book! You'll feel better!" He calls over his shoulder. She bites her lip and bounces nervously. She goes into the bookstore before she changes her mind.
She's in a daze. She has been since she finished his book a few days ago. Her mother is hosting a Yom Kippur festivity and she's been forced into attendance. She's feeling better physically, but she can't think clearly anymore and she can't sleep. She tosses and turns at night, haunted by Dan's love and words and her own mistakes. His book is good. It's so good. And it's about her. It's so clear. She cried tears of joy and tears of regret as she read some of his words.
"Blair, you never listen." Beatrice complains beside her. Blair snaps out of her reverie and looks over at her friend. She's not wrong. She's always lost in her own thoughts and world these days. "Did you hear anything I said to you? Louis is going to come a few days later than he anticipated originally, he had some stuff come up, but he will be here soon to see you."
"Oh." Blair nods her head. "Right, ok." She had forgotten he was coming. "Good." She smiles.
Beatrice rolls her eyes. "You should work on your happy face."
"Beatrice…." Blair moans. "I am happy he's coming. Louis is—lovely. I'm just—"
Beatrice holds up a hand. "I know. I know everything you are. Tired, emotional, hungry, nauseous, etcetera." Beatrice waves her hand dismissively. "I do not care if you are happy about Louis' arrival or not. I know what would really make you happy afterall." She eyes Blair pointedly. "I am only saying this to you for the sake of appearances. If you still insist on marrying my brother, you must be prepared to perform always. Both of you." Blair sighs in annoyance and moves away from her. She's not in the mood tonight.
"Oh, Blair!" She cringes when she hears her mother calling her. She hasn't told her she's pregnant so she's been trying to avoid her. While her mother was eventually delighted she was marrying a prince, she was, and still is, extremely skeptical. She's always eyeing her like she knows Blair still loves Dan. If she told her she was pregnant with Dan's baby, she'd never leave her alone.
"Yes, mother?" Blair turns around, defenses up even though she knows her mother isn't going to question her tonight.
"Blair, dear, you have to go talk to Cyrus' old codger of an uncle." Eleanor tells her quietly. "It can't be left to me to entertain him all night." Eleanor says exasperatedly.
Talk to someone who has couldn't care less about her love life? "Of course." Blair smiles sweetly. Eleanor's eyes narrow. Blair's never been one to jump at the chance to converse with her elders unless there's something in it for her. "I'll just go—"
"Blair, we need to talk." Damnit. She whirls around to glare at Serena. She was so close.
"Later, S." Blair says through a forced smile. "My family needs me right now." She starts to walk toward the living room when her mother grabs her arm.
"You're up to something." Blair pouts her lips. "Talk to your friend." Eleanor walks away but stops and turns to smile at her. "By the way, you look lovely, tonight, Blair. You're filling that dress out quite nicely."
Blair blushes and wrings her hands together behind her back. "Oh, wedded bliss and what not." She says happily. Serena snorts beside her. Eleanor looks at the two of them and shakes her head as she walks away. Blair slaps Serena's arm. "Are you trying to get me busted?"
"Are you serious?" Serena crosses her arms. "You're pregnant. That's not something you can hide for much longer, B."
"I'm hiding it for as long as I can, ok?" It's not just her mother. It's Louis' mother and family, it's the press, it's everything. She adjusts her dress. "What do you need to talk to me about?"
Serena looks at her nervously. "Not out here." She gestures toward the empty study.
"Alright, spill." Blair says as they sit on the sofa.
"I—I just had a fight with Dan." Serena says guiltily.
"Why are you telling me this?" Blair looks at her, puzzled.
"It was about his book." Serena takes a deep breath before she continues. "My boss would love to have the movie rights. She's obsessed with it and I accidentally let it slip that I know who wrote it. Now she won't leave me alone and so I went to Dan to try to get him to come forward….That was a bad idea." Serena says forlornly. "He was so upset and ranting about how he hates the book and he wishes it would just disappear. B—"
"I think you can guess where I come down on this one." Blair interrupts her. "Leave Dan alone. He's been through enough."
"Trust me, I know that." Serena says defensively. "Nate and I were the ones here with him this summer." Blair looks away guiltily as Serena waits a beat before continuing. "I think he should reap the benefits though. A movie deal could get him even more money and acclaim. He could almost write his own ticket after that, Blair."
"I agree with you, but I'm on Dan's side." Blair says quietly. "If he's upset just leave it alone."
"Think of everything this could do for him! This is his dream and he's letting it slip away. He's not even enjoying it!" Serena argues.
"I know!" Blair yells back at her. "I don't know why you're telling me this!" She takes a deep breath to calm down. "I can't do anything about it now. I don't have a time machine to change the past and he certainly isn't going to take my advice at this particular moment in time." She looks at her friend sadly. "This is the way things are now, back to the beginning. We both know Dan can be judgmental, perhaps most with himself. If he feels there's something wrong about this book or something wrong in the way it all went down, then he'll never be ok with profiting off of that."
"It's just—It's not fair. It's not his fault." Serena closes her eyes in frustration and shakes her head.
"I know. It's my fault." Blair says mostly to herself. "I don't know what I could do at this point. The damage is done."
"I didn't mean that it was your fault, Blair." Serena looks back at her.
Blair furrows her brow. "What do you mean?"
"There are some things that came out while we were fighting that I think I should be the one to tell you about. We need to clear the air on this Inside thing once and for all." Serena nods her head and purses her lips. Blair tilts her head to the side curiously. "I'm the one who caused all of this." She runs her hands on her thighs nervously. "I sent you the book."
"What?" Blair asks in quiet surprise. Her eyes are wide as they focus on Serena's face.
"I kept hearing there was a hot new book coming out about New York's young generation of elites. I was curious, but, more than that, I wanted to get my hands on it first because I also kept hearing how good it was. Every studio wanted it." She eyes Blair nervously. "I did what I do best and got what I wanted. I read it and I knew exactly who wrote it and who he wrote it about." Serena shrugs her shoulders. "I thought you'd love it and would be over the moon that someone loved you that much. I—I thought you should know." Serena smiles warmly.
"Oh." Blair looks away. Serena reaches for her hand and Blair looks back at her.
"You're the star of Dan's book, Blair." Serena says quietly. "I had no idea you would ever think anything else. I mean if you read it, it's so obvious. He doesn't even try to hide the way he feels about you. It's so honest and open. Except for the whole anonymous thing." Blair laughs lightly and Serena squeezes her hand. "I'm so sorry."
"Oh, S." Blair squeezes her hand back. "I'm not mad at you. You were trying to be a good friend and I misconstrued that too." She shakes her head. "This is my fault. I have to take responsibility and learn from it otherwise I'll just keep doing the same things over and over again."
"Wow." Serena smiles. "I was expecting a battle."
"This is the new and improved Blair Waldorf." Blair smiles faintly. "Well, right now, it's the under construction Blair Waldorf, but I am trying to be wiser and more secure."
"It shows, B." Serena hugs her. "And you're not the only one who's under construction." She smiles warmly and hugs Serena tight. Serena pulls back and hesitates for a moment. "In the spirit of being wise and secure, I really think you need to read the book, Blair. There are things I don't think you even know." Serena shakes her head. "He went to your essay contest in high school. He supported you when you guys weren't even close to being friends." Serena takes a deep breath. "It—It's always been there."
Blair's blown away by Serena's sacrifice. "It shows with you too, S." Serena rolls her eyes playfully and shrugs. "I read his book." Blair looks at her hands and nods. "I was so scared to because of everything I did. I thought it would hurt so much to read that …..I was right." Her voice shakes. Serena runs a hand over her back soothingly. "It's haunting me, to be honest. Ultimately, though, it's kind of amazing to realize how much he loved me." She smiles warmly. "Especially since we're having a baby together. I don't know. I guess in the end it makes me happy."
Serena's eyes narrow. "Why are you still marrying Louis?" She asks quietly.
"Serena…" Blair sighs and rises from the sofa. She stands in front of her friend. "Dan wants to be friends and I really think that's only because we're having a baby. We have to have some kind of relationship. I'm trying to respect his wishes."
"He still loves you though." Serena stands too. "As long as there's love there's hope." Blair rolls her eyes. "I won't even mention your little baby on the way." Serena gushes happily and puts her hand on Blair's stomach. Blair laughs affectionately. "You laugh, but it's true. There's still so much there."
"There is and there isn't, Serena." Blair steps away from her. "Dan explicitly said he wants to be friends. That's what we'll be."
"Since when do you let other people decide your life?" Serena crosses her arms and smiles mischievously.
"Since now." Blair says pointedly. "I love him. If this is what he needs from me then this is what I'm going to give him. God, Serena, he's so mad he hasn't even contacted me to ask about the baby. Can you imagine? He must really hate me right now." Blair shuts her eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath. She didn't mean to go on a tirade about that subject. "I'm playing by his rules this time and you should too. That's all I'm saying."
Serena takes a step closer to her. "I've talked to him, B. This isn't—"
"Serena!" Blair can't take anymore. Serena blanches and takes a step back. "Please stop." She wipes at the tears running down her cheeks. "I made a mistake and I'm paying for it. Dan doesn't want to be with me anymore. This isn't a game where I can keep trying things to get him back or manipulate him. There is no scheme here. We're having a child. I can't—I can't do anything to jeopardize what's left of us." She rests a hand on her stomach. "As much as I want to fight for him, I can't."
"Ok, ok." Serena holds her hands up in surrender before she moves forward and embraces Blair. "I'm sorry. I know this is hard on you."
"It doesn't matter." She sniffles and breaks away from her. "This isn't about me." Serena looks at her sadly. Blair exhales slowly and runs her fingers under her eyes. "I'm drained. I'm always drained. I need to go rest."
Serena nods and gives her a small smile. "Of course. You have to take care of yourself and my god baby."
Blair laughs despite her weariness. "You and Nate just have this all planned out."
Serena rolls her eyes good naturedly. "Nate is trying to ride my coattails on this one." Serena smiles sweetly. "I think I've earned a god parent position."
"You have." Blair kisses her cheek. "You've been a good friend even though I know you were hurting because of us."
Serena waves her hand to dismiss the thought. "Dan and I have been over for a long time. I knew that. It's just hard to let go of the past sometimes." Serena says wistfully then looks at Blair nervously. "I have though. Let go of the past."
"I know." Blair smiles. "Hopefully, I can do the same."
Serena studies her for a moment. "I don't know if I should tell you this, but Dan was a jackass today so I don't really care what he wants." Blair furrows her brow. "I've been giving Dan updates on you and the baby. He calls me all the time or texts me. He has all of these books already." Serena smiles and bites her lip. "He's excited and in love."
Blair can feel her heart beat a little faster and her spirits lift. "He's been asking about the baby?" She moves a hand over her stomach.
"And you. He was so worried when you wouldn't leave your bed. It was kind of ridiculous. I was giving him hourly updates." Serena laughs lightly. "He cares. That's why he's staying away. It's not because he's mad."
"I don't know how true that is." Blair bites her lip and brushes the thought aside. "Regardless of his reasons, I'm listening to what he tells me for once." She leaves the room and, thankfully, makes it to her bedroom unnoticed by her mother and her guests.
She's at her nightstand studying an ultrasound picture of her baby a few days later. The picture's from a month ago and she's studied it endlessly, but she could stare at it all day. According to her research, the baby should be much bigger now. She smiles happily and places the picture inside the book in front of her. It's a copy of one she's been using to chart her baby's progress. She bought it for Dan on a whim. She's had it for days, but still hasn't worked up the courage to call him or stop by to give it to him. She places it back in the gift box and is about to close the lid when Dorota comes rushing into her room.
"Miss Blair, you have to go. Fashion show start soon!" Blair tries to shut the box before Dorota can see its contents. She can't take anymore pity from anyone. "What's that?"
Blair glares at her and rises to her feet. "None of your concern, Dorota."
"You not leave until I get whole scoop." Dorota moves in front of the door.
Blair rolls her eyes and crosses her arms. "It's a book for Dan. It's a baby book that I've been using." She admits quietly. "I—I thought it would be good if we were using the same book. I'd like that anyway." Her voice cracks.
"Oh, Miss Blair." Dorota moves toward her and wraps an arm around her.
"I just want to feel like we're doing this together." She sniffles. "I know I said I didn't care and I'd do it all alone, but I want him to do it all with me. I was hoping that if I gave that to him then it might give me some kind of peace. If we're using the same book then we're almost doing it together, you know?" She looks back at Dorota with wide, watery eyes.
"I know. I know." Dorota says soothingly and Blair turns so she's hugging her.
"Only I'm too scared to contact him." Blair whispers as she rests her head on Dorota's shoulder. "I don't want to upset him. I mean I don't think he'd be upset, but I don't want to annoy him or push him."
"I doubt Mister Dan feel that way." Dorota squeezes Blair tight before she pulls back to look at her. "Take it today. You never know when opportunity falls."
Blair bites her lip. "Well, I do have another appointment today. I—I put an ultrasound picture in there. I could put in one from today too. That'd be a good reason to see him." She tries to convince herself.
"Yes, perfect." Dorota hands the box to her and guides her out of her bedroom. "Hot iron is time to hit." Blair's already too tired to explain the correct expression to Dorota.
She's walking off the stage at the Jenny Packham show with Simon Doonan when Dan appears in front of them. It's the last thing she expected.
"Blair, we need to talk." He says gently. She feels nervous suddenly. Why is here? With his giftbox that she left at home for a reason? She chickened out on her way to the elevator and left the box behind. "Do you mind?" He looks at Simon. He has no idea how important he is so of course he thinks it's acceptable to just shoo him off. Brooklyn strikes again.
"Not at all." Simon responds breezily as he walks away. She throws her hand up. Traitor.
"Well, I mind." Dan reaches for her elbow and her fight instincts kick in. She tries to move it out of his reach, but his hand wraps around it. He said he wanted to be friends and then he disappeared. It's fine if he doesn't want to be friends with her, but he didn't have to lie to her. He's probably only here to tell her he'll hate her forever in person. "Humphreys are not escort material."
He rolls his eyes and drops his hand from her elbow. "Let's try to change that stereotype considering you're pregnant with one." She frowns. Damn. That's a good point. She shouldn't be so defensive with him anyway, but she's worried about why he's here. He hasn't spoken to her in a week and now here he is in front of her at a Jenny Packham fashion show. Her eyes drift to the box in his hands. "I went by your house to check on you and Dorota gave me this. She said you needed it today." Her eyes dart to his. He watches her carefully. "I—I've been getting updates from Serena. We had a fight though, and she cut me off so I went by to check on you." He admits quietly.
"I know. Serena told me everything." She arches an eyebrow. "Were you actually looking for me or were you just looking for information about me?"
"Both." He runs a hand through his hair. "This is so complicated and, to be honest with you, I don't know how to navigate it."
She nods her head slowly and frowns. "That's ok, Dan. I know I made mistakes and I hurt you." She looks at him. "It's ok if you don't want to be friends, but just tell me."
"The way you told me you were breaking up with me and why you were breaking up with me?" He bites out and his eyes darken.
"Ok." She squares her shoulders. This isn't going to help anything. "Well, if you wanted to find me to argue then you can keep looking." She reaches for the box in his hands and he moves it out of her reach. She looks at him with wide eyes.
"I'm sorry." He sighs. "I don't know what to do. I miss you and I love you and I'm so mad at you that I can't think straight sometimes and I'm worried about you and the baby. I don't know what to do with all of that." He looks down at the box.
"You don't have to do anything." His eyes move to hers quickly. He's studying her, looking for answers she doesn't have either. She was in his position not that long ago and she couldn't be around him. He's in an unfair position. She doesn't know what to do for him. She brushes a piece of hair from her face nervously. His eyes follow the movement and his eyes flash.
"Are you still engaged to Louis?" He tilts his head to the side and takes a step closer to her.
"Yes." She replies with fake confidence.
"You're still marrying him?" He asks again, slower this time.
"Yes." She answers again, more hesitantly. "I care about him and—"
"I can't believe this." He shakes his head and paces her floor. She's surprised by his outburst. "After everything? After the other night?" He looks at her with wide eyes.
"The other night?" She looks at him in confusion. "You told me we should focus on friendship and our baby. Not romance. And then apparently communication from Brooklyn became impossible."
"I—I didn't think you'd still marry him. You said you love me." He stares at her and moves into her space again. "What are you doing? Does he know that you love me? That the baby is mine?"
"Of course he knows that the baby is yours!" She reels back. "We've never even slept together." His eyes widen. She rolls her eyes. "There's more to relationships than sex. You know that. We were more than sex." She rests a hand on her stomach defensively.
He tilts his head to the side. "I know that. I also know how important sex is to you." His eyes narrow. "You're up to something. If you're doing this to make me jealous, it's not going to work. I don't work that way."
Her mouth falls open. She throws her clutch at him. "You asshole!" He moves to the side quickly to dodge it. He gives her an exasperated look. "I am being mature and selfless—"
"Oh! Is that what that was?" He looks at her incredulously and points to her clutch on the floor.
She sets her mouth and ignores him. She moves to pick up her clutch but he beats her to it and holds it out for her. She snatches it out of his hands. "You said you want friendship from me and that is what I am trying to give you. I'm not forcing you into anything or expecting anything from you or—or manipulating you." He's still looking at her like he doesn't believe her. "Well, I'm not going to be a spinster, Dan!"
"You're not even sleeping with him! How is that any different than a spinster?" He asks snidely.
"For one thing, I'll be a princess. Louis and I have a relationship that is unique and complex." She says haughtily. Actually, it's very cliché and simple, but he doesn't need to know that. "I care about him and I made him a promise." She tells him honestly. If she can't have Dan, who cares anyway? "Why do you care so much?" She asks in annoyance.
"I can't just turn my feelings off for you. Especially now." He shrugs and gestures toward her stomach. "I didn't—I didn't know you hadn't slept together." He mutters.
"Oh, I'm sorry I left out such vital information for you." She narrows her eyes. "So if you'd known that you would have wanted to be with me?" She laughs bitterly and shakes her head. "I had no idea I was having a child with a caveman."
"No." He closes his eyes for a moment. "That came out wrong. I meant that I thought it was serious, more serious. Christ, you're marrying him!" He holds his hands out in front of him and her eyes move to the box. She has to get that from him. Now is not the time for the book and the ultrasound picture. "I thought you loved him and that was why you were marrying him or to get back at me for things I never did…." He looks at her sadly. "If you love me, why are you marrying him?"
"I have my reasons!" She yells out. She notices people are staring at them and she takes a moment to collect herself before she continues. "You made a choice, Dan. That's ok, but I don't know why you care if your choice is to be my friend. Who cares what I do?"
"You made every other choice for me!" He looks at her helplessly. "This is all I had left."
Every other choice….the baby. "Oh my God." She brings a hand to her mouth. Her eyes start to water.
He cringes and moves forward quickly. "I didn't mean it like that."
"Who can tell what you mean anymore?" She shrugs and wipes at her eyes quickly. She reaches for the box, but he moves it away from her.
"I'm sorry. Don't leave like this. We have to work through all of this mess." She glares at him and reaches for it again. She caught him off guard so she makes contact and she tugs on it but he tugs back causing the box to fall to the floor. The book falls out when the box hits the ground, the ultrasound picture of their baby not landing far from it. "Blair…." He says quietly as he picks up the picture. He looks up at her. "I'm sorry."
"It doesn't matter." She shakes her head and hurries to her dressing room before he can follow her.
He's waiting for her outside when she exits the building. "Blair, I meant everything but the baby. The break-up, Louis….You know that. You know this is the decision I would have wanted you to make. I never would have tried to influence you and I would have supported you and loved you no matter what, but this is what I want." She stops to look at him. Her emotions are all over the place and he does a have a right to be upset with her about the things he mentioned. He runs a hand over his face. "I did make a choice. One choice that may or may not be right, but I'm sticking by it. So if you're marrying Louis then…..whatever." He closes his eyes and shakes his head. His eyes are big and sad when he looks at her again. "I'm just—You're not going to like move to France with our baby are you? I want to be there for yo—I want to be involved. I want to be an actual father." He casts his eyes down. "I lost you. I don't want to lose the baby too."
She moves to him and wraps her arms around him. She's hurt him so much, too much. "You haven't lost me. We're—friends." The word makes her want to throw up. "If that's what you want." She squeezes him tighter. "Dan, I'd never take this baby from you. Never. You're the father. You're who I want to be the father of my baby, in every sense of the word." He sighs into her hair and holds her tight. She pulls back slightly to look at him. "If marrying Louis worries you so much, I won't do it." Her eyes search his. They're so close and it'd be so easy for her to lean in….
"No. No." He takes a deep breath and backs out of her arms. "We're not together. You should marry him." He swallows hard. "Be a princess. It's what you've always wanted." He smiles and looks away from her. He's wrong. What she's always wanted is a family. What she wants now is to be a family with him and their baby. Her hand moves to her stomach as she gets lost in her thoughts. "So is this stuff for me?" He interrupts her daydream and holds the box out in front of him. He moves to a nearby bench to sit down. He tilts his head to get her to go to the bench too.
She smiles faintly as she sits beside him. "Yes." Her eyes move to his. "I'm sure you have your own book, but I've been using this one. I thought maybe you could use it too. So we'd be on the same page and all. No pun intended." She finishes awkwardly. God, she's been rambling so much lately. He smiles softly. "And this…." She takes the box from him and finds the ultrasound picture on top of the book. She holds it up so he can see it too. "This is our baby." She says quietly and turns to watch him. His smile widens ever so slightly and he turns to look at her too. "This is about a month old so it's bigger now."
"The size of a lemon." He says absently as he carefully takes the picture so he can see it better.
"Yeah." She smiles. "I have an appointment in about an hour." She starts nervously. "You can come if you want." She bites her lip as she watches him.
He moves his eyes back to hers and smiles. "Ok." He looks at her thoughtfully. "I don't want to miss anything else, Blair."
Her heart breaks. She doesn't know if she'll ever get over all of the guilt she feels. "You won't." She slides her hand into his. "I'll make sure of it. I promise." She'll do whatever she has to do to make it right between them. She owes him at least that much.
She's jittery and excited as she lays on the table in her doctor's office. Dan is sitting across from her. She can tell he's nervous, but she doesn't say anything.
"Good afternoon, Blair." The doctor walks in and smiles at her. "How are you doing today?"
"Good." She smiles warmly.
"Good, good." She flicks through her chart quickly. "I remember we were worried about the nausea last time. It was debilitating sometimes." The doctor pulls up a stool and sits beside her. "How's that going?"
"Debilitating?" Dan chimes in and startles the doctor.
"Oh, you brought your fiancé today." She cringes when she sees Dan flinch. The doctor rolls toward Dan and extends her hand. "It's so nice to meet you. I'm Doctor Keen."
"Dan." He smiles and shakes her hand. "I'm not her fiancé. I'm the father."
"Uh, ok." The doctor looks between them and smiles before her eyes settle on Dan again. "So you have concerns about the nausea?"
"Well, yeah. I mean she told me it was all normal. You're concerned about it though? Is she ok?" Blair licks her lips as she watches Dan become all protective right before her eyes.
"It is normal. Nausea and vomiting and general fatigue are all normal parts of pregnancy in the first trimester." Dr. Keen says nurturingly. "We want to make sure that it all stays that way. Blair had a lot of vomiting and nausea for a long stretch. We thought about some medications, but she decided to tough it out and it seems she has. I'm just following up." She turns back to Blair. "So?"
"It's still there, but it's not nearly as bad as it was even a week ago. I'm feeling a lot better." Blair smiles at Dan before turning back to the doctor.
"Excellent. That's what I was hoping to hear." She rises from the stool and moves to take her blood pressure. "Any other symptoms I need to know about?"
"Oh, no. I'm just tired and cranky and nauseous. Same as always." She shrugs and adjusts on the table.
"Ok. I think we'll see the nausea really decrease even more now that you've moved into the second trimester." That's a relief. She could do a happy dance right now. The doctor looks at her blood pressure. "I like what I'm seeing with your blood pressure. Much better than last time." Blair nods as the doctor starts setting up the machine for the heartbeat. Blair looks over at Dan who looks lost and nervous. She smiles when she catches his eye, but he darts his eyes away quickly. She turns her attention back to the doctor. "How's your energy level?"
"It's about the same. I'm still so tired all of the time. I think I could sleep all day, every day." She says on a light laugh.
"That's not like her." Dan says and gets up from his chair to stand beside her. She peers up at him and bites her lip. "I mean I've read some books and I know the basic symptoms, but if they're exaggerated like this, is that a problem?"
The doctor smiles at him. "I understand your concerns. This is Blair's first pregnancy and you're nervous." She smiles down at Blair. "You've got a good one here." Blair forces a smile and looks away. She already told her she doesn't have him. "Dan, I assure you, if anything were abnormal to me we would be discussing what to do about it. That's why we're having this appointment today. I wanted to follow up on her symptoms. As it is now, I'm not worried about Blair's health or your baby's health. We'll do all of our usual tests today to confirm everything though."
"Ok. Ok." He nods and sighs loudly. "I'm sorry."
"Oh, don't be sorry." Dr. Keen says quickly. "If you saw some of the people who come in here and don't really care one way or the other….I'll never be annoyed or upset about eager parents."
"You should have seen me during my other appointments, Humphrey." Blair says guiltily. "I thought the doctor in France was going to cry."
"I thought I was going to cry when you came in here a few weeks ago. You're a protective mommy already." Dr. Keen laughs. Blair feels Dan's hand slide over hers and she's momentarily caught up in the feeling. He intertwines their fingers and her eyes close. "Alright, let's start with the heartbeat." Blair tries to compose herself as she looks at the doctor again. "Blair, I'm sure you remember, and, Dan, you've probably read that it's going to be very fast. That is what we want. That's a good thing, ok?" She lifts Blair's dressing gown and presses the wand to her stomach. The fast little thumps fill the room instantly and Blair squeezes Dan's hand tight. They're all quiet as they listen. She doesn't think it's an exaggeration to say it's the most wonderful sound she's ever heard. "Oh, beautiful. What a strong little heart. 158 beats per minute."
"Wow." Dan says quietly. Blair looks up at him and he smiles down at her. "That's really incredible." She can feel her eyes watering as she smiles back at him. "Wow." He says again.
"Wait until you see it in the ultrasound, Dan." Blair runs her free hand over the back of his hand intertwined with hers. His eyes focus on hers and it makes her heartbeat pick up.
"Speaking of, I'm going to go grab the tech and I'll be right back. We still need to get some blood and urine samples, but let's do the fun stuff first." Dr. Keen says happily as she glides out of the room. They watch as she leaves the room.
Dan goes to slip his hand out of hers but she instinctively holds on to him tighter. She doesn't want to let him go. "I'm just going to move the chair over here." He smiles at her and brushes her hair out of her face. "Something tells me I'm going to need to sit down for this." She laughs and reluctantly lets his hand go. He slides the chair beside her table and takes a seat. He leans his elbows on the table and takes her hand between his. He sighs and brings her hand to his lips. Her mouth falls open as she watches him. "I don't think I've thanked you yet." His eyes move to hers and he looks at her like he used to.
"Thanked me?" She asks quietly.
"Yeah, I mean you're going through a lot to have our baby. I don't even think I realized how much actually." He looks down for a moment. "And then there's the whole having the baby in general." There's a look of wonder in his eyes that she's never seen. It's the best thing she's ever experienced. "Thank you." He leans forward and kisses her forehead before he rests his against hers. She nearly gets lost in the contact. It's been so long... "I'm going to be better. I promise."
He pulls away and she keeps her eyes on his. "You've been fine, Dan." She says reassuringly. "I hurt you and you needed some time. I understand that. It's not like you've really missed anything yet." She smiles faintly.
"Don't make excuses for me." He shakes his head. "I haven't even been fine. You shouldn't be alone in this." He strokes her hand gently. "I'm going to be here for you. I mean it this time."
Her smile widens and the paper cover over her legs rustles loudly as she adjusts to look at him better. "Starting with the book?" She raises her eyebrows hopefully.
He laughs and brings her hand to his lips again. "Starting with the book."
"Alright. Let's look at your baby!" Dr. Keen comes in excitedly. "Blair, you remember Liz." Blair nods her head and smiles at the other young woman.
"This is Dan. He's my baby's father." Blair says cheerfully as Liz takes her place on the other side of her. She loves having him here with her.
"Oh, great. I'm glad everyone can be here today. It's a little early, but I'm hoping we might get some idea of the sex if you want to know." Liz smiles at them.
Blair looks at Dan and bites her lip. She has her suspicions about the sex, but she really wants to know for sure. She has to be ready for the arrival. "What?" He looks at her curiously. She widens her eyes. "Oh. I know which battles to pick with you, Waldorf. This isn't one of them." He smiles playfully. "I want to know too anyway." She sighs happily and looks at Liz. She is so ready for this. And she can't wait for Dan to see their baby.
"Blair, I'm loving this guy more and more." Dr. Keen jokes from beside the monitor.
"Ok, Blair, this is going to be cold." Liz squirts the gel on her and moves the wand over her lower abdomen. Then she sees their baby.
She gasps. "It's gotten so much bigger." She says in wonder. She knew that, obviously, but it's so different to actually see the growth.
Liz chuckles. "That's what happens. Not that you could tell by looking at you." She adds good-naturedly. "You're still not really showing, lucky duck."
"Yeah, she's got a tiny thing in there." Dr. Keen looks at the screen closely.
Blair's heart starts to pound faster. "Is it ok?"
"Oh, yeah. It looks like it's right on track for the due date." Liz smiles at her. "It's perfect." She winks at her and continues moving the wand around. "Well, the little bug doesn't want us to know what it is yet. I can't get a good enough shot." Liz says sadly.
"That's ok." Blair says with relief. "I'm just glad it's ok." She realizes that Dan's been awfully quiet. She looks over at him and sees that his eyes are glued to the screen. She shakes their intertwined hands. "Are you ok, Humphrey?" She asks amusedly.
His eyes dart to hers. "Yeah, yeah." He smiles wide and his eyes dance over her face. "I'm better than ok." The words make her feel better about everything. His eyes move back to the screen and his smile stays in place as he watches their baby. Her eyes stay on him. This is the closest he's seemed to old Dan, her Dan since he came to see her in Paris. Everything will be ok. She feels like she can breathe again.