Chapter Twenty-Five: Reject Versus Reject

Dessie

Aram groaned. "I knew this was going to happen…"

I was still trying to compute what the fuck just happened. I was standing with the Akatsuki and Aram in the middle Remenhide's ever-changing living room. Yola, the goddess of pregnancy, was standing on the other side of the room with Kate. And – apparently – she has just made Kate pregnant with Felix. What the hell!

"W-w-wait…" said Kate slowly. "You can't be serious."

"Of course I'm serious," said Yola. "You said you wanted to be pregnant, so I made you pregnant. Don't tell me you're going to complain now." Her eyes narrowed menacingly. I had the feeling complaining was out of the question.

"Felix?" croaked Kate. "Felix? Where is he?"

"Inside your uterus," said Yola. "He can't answer you from in there."

"Felix!"

Nothing.

"Kate…" I said slowly. "I think you might… um, actually be pregnant… with your homosexual split personality."

"Who's the father?" asked Kisame eagerly.

"That's all you care about!" cried Kate.

"Madara," said Yola.

Kate shrieked.

"What!" cried Kisame, gripping his sword.

"Kidding, kidding," said Yola with a tinkling laugh. "There is no father. I just created the pregnancy myself. Felix will have all of Kate's DNA."

"But I don't want a baby!" wailed Kate. "I'm all for natural pregnancy! Natural!"

"Quit complaining," said Yola, pushing Kate back to us. Kisame caught Kate, a look of relief clearly plastered on his face. Yola smiled. "Four, you're overstaying your welcome. Time to go."

Aram sighed. "You just impregnated Kate and you want us to just leave…"

Yola's scowled. "That wasn't a question, Four. When I say – leave. I mean – leave now or I will show you the true meaning of M-preg."

"Oh, look at the time," said Aram, checking his wrist.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"Time to go."

A red orb started to appear in front of Aram, filling the now sea-themed living room with a bright red light.

"Wait!" cried Kate. "I'm having a baby now and you're… you're just going to leave."

"If you want to reason with her," said Aram. "You're welcome to – but do it on your own time. I like not having babies." He paused and glanced at Kate's stomach. "Oh sorry."

"The weirdness of this is giving me a headache," said Sasori. He stepped into the orb and there was a flash of light.

"This isn't funny!" cried Kate.

"Actually," said Hidan. "It's pretty fucking hilarious."

"Kisame!"

Kisame, who had been trying to muffle his own laughter, managed to keep a straight face as he said, "Yes?"

"Hidan's being mean to me."

Kisame nodded, still trying to suppress his mirth. "Right…" He grabbed Hidan roughly around the shoulders. "Shall we take this back to Aram's place?"

"Wait!" cried Aram. "Don't wreck my house! Wreck Yola's! Wreck Yola's!"

But before Aram could stop them, Kisame and a struggling Hidan stepped into the orb and with a flash of bright red light, they disappeared.

"Are you trying to make me mad, Four?" asked Yola irritably.

Aram laughed awkwardly. "Of course not… I just happen to like my house a lot…"

"I'm mad!" wailed Kate. "Why does no one quake in fear when I'm mad!"

Konan patted Kate on the shoulder comfortingly. "You haven't to actually be scary for people to quake in fear when you're mad. You just don't have that scary factor mastered just yet."

I grinned. "Ten bucks says she'll never have the scary factor mastered."

"No one's stupid enough to take that bet," said Kakuzu, before stepping into the portal and disappearing in a flash.

"He's got a point," said Zetsu. He stepped forward and followed Kakuzu back to Aram's mansion.

"I hate those things," said Leader, eyeing the orb suspiciously.

"Tobi thinks the orbs are fun!" cried Tobi running forward excitedly. "Tobi thinks orbation is the new transport!" He leapt into the orb and disappear in a flash of red light.

Leader gritted his teeth and, with Konan at his side, he stepped into the orb.

"I'm not going!" cried Kate. "I don't want to be pregnant!"

"That's not what you said," muttered Yola irritably. "You said you'd get pregnant as soon as you got home. I was just speeding up the process for you."

"I was lying!" wailed Kate.

"And I called your bluff," said Yola sharply. "Now leave!"

Kate looked close to tears. She turned to me. "Dessie…"

"You brought this upon yourself."

Kate frowned. "Fine. When you accidentally get knocked up after having too much fun one night, see if I help you."

"Please," I said, waving her words away. "I want to have kids."

"You do?" asked Yola, raising her hand. "I can help you with that."

"Not yet," I said quickly. "After we get Hannah back. But I will have kids. I want them." A wild grin crossed my face and I embraced it. I probably looked a little bit like a maniac, standing there grinning and snickering, but then again, maybe that was just my imagination.

"Dessie with kids will be a scary thing…" muttered Deidara.

"Hn," Itachi agreed.

"I have plans for those little shits," I said. "Big plans. They'd better no disappoint me."

"On second thought," said Yola. "Maybe I should make her infertile…"

I glanced at Yola, who seemed pretty prepared to rob me of my ability to have children, and decided it was time to try out this new orbation technique. I sprinted towards the glowing red orb and jumped into it. There was a flash – and then nothing.

I opened my eyes and found myself lying on the floor of Aram's extravagant living room. Hidan and Sasori were sitting on a white couch to my left. Hidan's arms were crossed and he was scowling across the room at Kisame, who was sharing a sofa with Leader and Konan. Kisame looked smug, even with Tobi hopping around the room declaring himself to be a kangaroo (I honestly have no idea).

Kakuzu and Zetsu were sitting on the finally couch. Both of them were eyeing Tobi suspiciously and I think Zetsu was debating whether to bite of Tobi's head or not.

"What's up?" I asked, getting to my feet and joining Hidan and Sasori on their couch.

"Waiting for Aram and the rest," said Leader. He shot Tobi a death-glare.

"Tobi is a kangaroo-roo! Hop! Hop! Goes the kangaroo-roo!"

"He's stupid," I announced.

"Look, Dessie-Nunu! Tobi is a kangaroo-roo! Can Dessie-Nunu see Tobi? Can she?"

"I can see…" I called back. "You're a great kangaroo – but I don't think kangaroos can talk."

Tobi shut up and continued hopping.

"Thank you…" groaned Kakuzu. "He was giving me a headache."

Insert flash of obnoxious red light here.

We all turned to see Deidara, Itachi, and Madara, who were smirking uncontrollable (except Itachi, he just looked icily cool as always). Apparently I had missed out on something extremely entertaining. Damn.

"What's up?" I asked.

"Kate is extremely upset," said Deidara. "She said some rude things to Yola and now Yola is trying to scratch her eyes out while Aram is fleeing with Kate."

"Damn," I cried again. "I left too soon."

"Will they be back okay?" asked Kisame.

"They'll be fine," said Madara, uncaringly.

"Aren't you supposed to be in love with Kate?" asked Konan (Kisame scoffed at this). "What's with the unfeeling attitude?"

"Who said I was in love with Kate?" asked Madara. "She's just attracted to my power and charisma. Nothing I can do about that." He shot a smug look in Kisame's direction.

"I'm going to crush him," said Kisame.

"Hn." Itachi stared at Kisame levelly.

"Aw, come on," said Kisame. "Just this once?"

"Hn."

"Jerk."

"Hn."

"Yeah, yeah."

I leaned over and muttered to Sasori, "I am completely not following this conversation."

There was another flash of light and the figure of Aram with Kate on his back appeared in the middle of the living room.

"I hate Yola," announced Aram. He dropped Kate into Kisame's lap and plopped down on the sofa next to me. There wasn't really room for him, so Sasori hopped off the couch and went to join Kakuzu and Zetsu.

"I kind of liked her," I said. "She has charm."

"Only you could like her," cried Kate, who had made herself comfortable sitting on Kisame's lap. "She's true evil, I tell you."

"Says the one she impregnated," I said with a shrug.

"Don't say it like that!" wailed Kate, covering her ears. "It sounds gross!"

Kisame wrapped his arms around Kate's waist comfortingly. Though I think he was more amused by the situation. Kisame had always said he wanted a son named Felix. Though, technically, Felix wasn't his son.

"Great," said Leader. "Even if we survive the tasks and manage to bring Hannah back, we're going to have an insane homosexual baby running around."

"Sounds like fun, uhn," said Deidara.

"He's found a homosexual companion!" I cried delightedly. "I knew he was too blond to be straight!"

Deidara flipped me off while Hidan roared with laughter beside me.

"At least we have nine months before we have to deal with the baby," said Konan.

"Yeah…" said Aram slowly. "About that…"

We all turned to stare at Aram, who shifted uncomfortably on the sofa.

"You see," he said. "Things tend to move much quicker in the Dale… We move on a different time line, so what takes a day here takes a week in your world… And since you're from the Fence or Earth you age at that speed, not our speed… That includes pregnancy…"

"What!"

"It's okay," said Aram quickly. "As soon as you leave the Dale, you pregnancy will progress at normal pace…"

"You mean I'm going to have a super fast pregnancy!" wailed Kate.

"We don't think she likes being pregnant," said Zetsu.

"Isn't pregnancy supposed to be some sort of happy miracle?" asked Madara.

"Not when it's forced on you by a crazy goddess!"

"Well," said Aram, getting to his feet. "I can't help you with pregnancy – it must suck. Sorry. But I do have some good news. You guys don't have to do another task today! So, I think we should all go relax in our hot springs."

"Hell yeah!" I cried. "I want to go enjoy hot springs!"

"Me too! Me too!" cried Hidan excitedly.

Kate groaned. "Why is most everyone I know completely insensitive?"

Kisame jumped to his feet, almost dumping Kate on the floor. "I want to go! Don't leave me behind!"

I stretched my arms and yawned at the steaming water soaked my skin. Yep. Perfect. This was just what I needed. A nice, long, relaxing soak…

"I didn't think Aram would have separate baths," said Konan, slipping into the water next to me. "He is a pervert after all."

"I made him."

I almost fell into the water at the sound of a light voice. I spun around and saw a small, petite woman with curling brown hair and doe eyes. She was dressed in only a towel and was eyeing the hot springs water suspiciously.

"Um… Who are you?" I asked.

She looked up from the water and smiled sweetly at me. "Silly me. I'm Nerissa, the goddess of chastity. I'm Four's wife."

I swear I choked on air. "Four's Aram's… wife?"

She smiled and slipped into the water to join us. "My poor husband…"

"Your… poor… husband…?" Konan asked slowly. Apparently I wasn't the only one confused by that statement.

Nerissa nodded. "To be married to the goddess of chastity when he's such a pervert. It's really not fair on him."

"B-b-b-but," I stammered. "He's, um, Aram."

Nerissa smiled. "He loves me dearly – but a man does need his sex. Even male gods think with their dick half the time and not their heads."

I stared. I don't think I ever imagined the goddess of chastity to use such, um, crude language.

"So you can't sleep with a man… ever?" asked Konan.

Nerissa shook her head. "Never. If I could, it would definitely be Aram. But I can't." She sighed. "Humans complain about being virgins until their thirty. But I have to be a virgin for all eternity. Not red hot sex with my husband."

"Right…" I said, unsure where exactly to go from here.

"If I throw up one more time," groaned Kate, stepping down into the steaming water. "It's terrible…"

"Hey, Kate," I said. "Glad you could make it. This is Nerissa, Aram's wife and the goddess of chastity." I jerked a thumb in Nerissa's direction. She smiled sweetly and waved.

"How are you, Kate?" she asked. "So you're the one Yola impregnated today."

"Don't say it like that!" wailed Kate, covering her ears again.

"Think of poor Felix," said Konan. "His own mother doesn't want him."

"It's not that I don't want him," said Kate. "I just don't want him like this. I was to do it naturally."

"You mean fuck the man you love until he puts his seed in you and a baby grows inside your uterus naturally?" asked Nerissa. "If only I could do that…"

Kate blinked. "Um, yes, that. Are you sure you're the goddess of chastity?"

"Yes, I'm sure," said Nerissa. "Otherwise I wouldn't be complaining, would I?"

"N-n-no…"

"Nerissa, Sweetie, are you complain about your sex problems to total strangers again?"

A slow grin spread across my face as I heard the familiar voice, I turned to see Aram sitting in the steaming water just across the spring from us.

Kate screamed and scurried to cover herself. "Aram!" she cried. "This is the girls' hot spring!"

"Yeah?" said Aram. "What's the point of building a girls' side if I can't come join you?"

Kate glared at him before grabbing her towel and sprinting out of the hot spring as fast as she could with Konan following close behind.

"I don't see what the big deal is," said Nerissa. "He's just admiring them."

I shrugged. "It's nothing he hasn't seen before."

Aram rolled his eyes. "Dessie – don't give my wife the wrong idea. I actually want her to like you."

"Unlike all the other women," said Nerissa. "He thinks it's funny when I run into them on the streets and beat the crap out of them." She scowled. "They're whores."

Aram smiled proudly and ruffled her hair fondly "That's my wife."

"Oh," I said. "So you like the violent bitches who swear a lot – that's why we got along so well." I gripped the edge of the hot spring and started to hoist myself out of the water.

"Wait," said Aram.

I paused, half way out of the water, and stared at Aram. "Why?"

"Give it a minute," said Aram, his head tilted to the side as if he was listening to something.

I sat back down in the water and stared at Aram in confusion. "Okay…" I turned to Nerissa. "So you don't beat up Aram for cheating on you?"

Nerissa sighed. "He's just sex deprived. I can't blame him. In the end, I'm the only one he actually even likes. However, I can blame the whores who dare think they can steal a husband from his wife." She grinned maliciously. "Those whores never knew what hit them."

"She's so cute," said Aram fondly. He paused. "Alright, Dessie – go."

"Go where?" I asked.

"Grab your bathrobe and go," said Aram. "You have places to be and your timing had better be perfect!"

"What?" I asked.

"Go."

I hopped out of the water and grabbed my towel and bathrobe on the way out. I pulled on the bathrobe before leaving the hot springs area and then towel dried my hair. What on Earth, the Fence, Wargonia, Seanova, and the Dale was Aram talking about? I walked down the hall, pondering the mystery as much as I could ponder and – wham guess what I managed to walk in on. Well, not actually walk in on. The scene was going on right around the corner. I pause at the corner – unsure what to do – but found myself eavesdropping in the end. Well – what else did you expect me to do! They were talking right outside my room!

"How have you been, Madara?" asked Kate nervously.

"You finished your bath early," said Madara.

The two of them were standing face to face in the hallways right outside of the door leading to Kate's and my room. Both of them were dressed in the white bathrobes leant to us by Aram. Kate's hair was wrapped up in a towel while Madara's wild porcupine hair was wet and hung down his back like a giant black mess.

Kate sighed. "Aram decided to invade the girls' side."

"I wonder why he did that," said Madara, almost absent mindedly.

"Because he's a pervert," cried Kate.

"Oh right," said Madara. "Dessie and Konan would have been in the hot spring with you. Well that explains it."

Kate blinked. "You're saying I'm not attractive enough for Aram?"

Madara shrugged. "No. I'm saying you're not attractive enough for anyone. Except Kisame. Kisame's blue. It fits."

I rolled my eyes. Wow. Who knew Madara was such an asshole?

"You!" cried Kate, her voice squeaking a little. "You can insult Kisame all you want – but you'll never be able to compare to him. You're nothing but a… a… a…" Kate's eyes narrowed. "You're nothing but a fucking dickhead!" And with that, Kate flung open the door to our room and stormed inside, leaving a very bemused Madara standing in the corridor.

"Wow," I said. "Kate actually grew a pair of balls."

"You're there," said Madara.

I stepped out from behind the corner and grinned. "You were standing outside my room, Porcupine."

"It's not like I chose the meeting place."

"Yeah. Misfortunate just left you to be rejected right in front of me." I grinned. "Wait until the others hear about this."

"I wasn't rejected," said Madara. "Kate was just asserting her preference."

I snorted. "It's the exact same thing, you unwanted Ferby."

"You're one to talk," said Madara. "You were rejected by Hidan."

I flipped him off. "I wasn't rejected. We're just friends."

"Sure," said Madara. "That's why you get pissed off whenever another woman hits on him."

"At least I didn't lose to a blue man!"

Madara raised one eyebrow. "Am I supposed to feel bad about that? Look who's being a bitch now."

"What's your problem?" I snapped.

"You're the one who picks the fights," said Madara. "I just go along with them."

"You drank all my coffee!"

Madara stared. "This comes down to the coffee?"

"Fuck yeah! I can't live without my morning coffee – and you just drink it all."

"This is about the coffee," repeated Madara blankly.

"What? Coffee makes the world go round! It's addicting, but it's good – you dare rob me of my addiction, you fucking reject!"

"I didn't get rejected."

"Fuck, yeah, you did! Do you not know a rejection when you see one, Porcupine! She said you can't compare to Kisame – you can't compare to the batshit insane Love Guru who eats nothing but fish, watches weird-ass porn, and thinks kissing to switch bodies is fun. That is rejection in anyone's books, you shithead!"

Madara yawned. "Yeah, yeah. Are you finished yet?"

I stopped screaming my head off and stared at Madara blankly. "You know," I said. "Usually when I argue with someone, they get fired up back and we enter a giant yelling match which ends in an all out war between the two of us after which we go out and get sake."

"That's because you usually argue with Hidan," said Madara.

I blinked. "Can you at least throw a punch at me or something?"

Madara stared at me. "You're insane."

"Yeah," I said slowly. "But… This is so weird." I considered this for a second. Madara didn't want to throw a punch at me. But fists are the best way to settle any dispute. So, I have to get him engaged in a fist fight. Then our argument will end find. I lifted my fists and grinned demonically at Madara. "You'd better be ready for this."

"No," said Madara. "I'm not going to fight you. I'll just win."

"If I hit you, you have to hit back!" I snapped.

"Or I could just not let you hit me," said Madara.

I threw a punch at his head. Madara blocked it easily. His hand caught hold of my fist and he held onto it, refusing to let go.

"Don't even try it," said Madara.

I kicked him in the weak spot. Or, at least I tried to. He blocked that too.

"You're annoying!" I cried.

"I just don't like being beaten up," said Madara.

I glared at him. He glared back.

"Ferby," I said.

Madara picked me up and slung me over his shoulders. "I guess there should be a punishment for a girl who doesn't shut up."

"Asshole!" I screamed, pounding my fists against his back. "Asshole! I'll fucking kill you! You may have this body now! But I'll destroy it! I'll crush it! I'll make you rue the day you ever messed with Desdemona Lee!"

"You talk too much." He carried me as he walked down the halls of Aram's mansion.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"I'm going to drown you in the hot springs."

"That won't work," I said. "I'm immortal."

"Yeah, but it will be fun to drown you."

"I hate you."

"The feeling is mutual."

"After you finish drowning me, can I drown you?"

"No."

I sighed, my head banging against his back as he walked. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"You suck."

He reached the hot springs and kicked open the door. Just as we were about to enter, someone called out, "Dessie? What are you doing?"

Madara turned around to see who it was (which meant I couldn't). "Nice night," he said.

"Put me the fuck down!" I cried.

"Madara…" said Sasori slowly. "Why are you carrying Dessie on your back?"

"Because he's an asshole!" I shouted irritably.

"On second thought," said Sasori. "I'm not going to ask. Go get changed at meet in the living room. Aram says it's time for our next task." And with that, Sasori left.

With a sigh, Madara dropped me to the ground. I landed with a heavy thud and I lay there, groaning in agony for a moment before I jumped back to my feet, fully reenergized.

"I'm going to fucking kill you!" I cried.

"We have things to do," said Madara. "I'll just have to drown you another time." He turned around and walked away, leaving me standing outside the hot springs.

"You're annoying!" I shouted at his back.

Madara waved over his shoulder without a care in the world.

I gritted my teeth. "Damn you, you coffee-thieving bastard of porcupine!"

Yep. I totally won that round.

A/N: Almost to 1,000... My goal for this story is to break 3,000 - maybe 4,000 is I'm really lucky and my reviewers really love me. I kind of doubt it though. Oh well, 3,000 here I come!

REVIEW or Aram will spy on you in the bath/shower and then Nerissa will come a beat the crap out of you for being a whore.