Title: Barely Breathing
Author: rekkidbraka
Rating: T
Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.
Category: Romance
Disclaimer: No infringement intended.
Spoilers: None
Summary: "Everyone keeps asking / What's it all about? / I used to be so certain / Now I can't figure out" -- Duncan Sheik

-------------------- Barely Breathing ---------------------

Ziva and Tony struggle to reconnect but Tony can only recall an odd evening from a birthday celebration with Papa Tony.

When Tim found Ziva sitting in the waiting area near the nurses' station, he could see how close to tears she was. She sat staring out the large plate glass window into the fading sunlight, her face expressionless. He sat beside her, placing his hand on her thigh.

"What happened today?" he asked, dreading the answer.

"The same as usual," Ziva replied. "Tony told me he did not know me, that he did not want to see me and that he wanted me to stay out of his room."

"So he still hasn't remembered anything." Tim sighed. "Look, Ziva, the doctor said it was going to take time. It's only been a little over a week."

"Oh, he has remembered... something," Ziva said, continuing to gaze out the window. "Only not anything about our life together."

"Well... what then?" Tim asked, frowning.

New York -- July 1992

"No WAY! Papa Tony... Uncle Vinnie... this is AWESOME! Thanks!" Tony, having ripped the wrapping paper off his birthday present, sat gaping at the gift before him. He'd been asking for a new, up-to-date VCR so that he could watch his favorite movies -- and there were many -- whenever he wanted instead of waiting to see them on cable or re-run on TV. He'd asked at Christmas but had been disappointed when he didn't get it. But now his grandfather and uncle had gone in together and gotten him the VCR for his 24th birthday. Tony's green eyes sparkled with sheer joy.

Papa Tony was celebrating turning 80; it was his birthday, too, and Uncle Vincenzo and Tony had planned a big day for the old man. Tony and Uncle Vinnie had gone in together to buy Papa Tony the short surfboard he'd asked for. Tony was sure this was some kind of joke Papa Tony was playing on them but his grandfather insisted it wasn't. He was going surfing in Hawaii the next week with his old friend from the War, he'd said firmly, and he wanted to be ready to catch his big wave when it came. Vincenzo had laughed it off, as had Tony, but Tony noted a gleam in the old man's eye that told him he was dead serious. But right now, it was Tony's turn to enjoy his birthday gift and Papa Tony was beside himself, seeing Tony's happiness.

"Really," Tony said, hugging his grandfather tightly, "It's great, Papa Tony..." He turned, hugging his uncle. "Thank you, Uncle Vinnie. I ..." Tony's voice cracked with emotion. "... I love you both. So much. Thanks." Uncle Vincenzo squeezed Tony extra hard before turning him loose.

"And, hey! That's not all, boy!" Papa Tony said excitedly, handing Tony another small box. Tony looked surprised.

"Yeah, Tony, go on! Open it!" Uncle Vincenzo smiled broadly. "Me and Pop, we both picked 'em out." Tony carefully opened the box.

"Ha HAH!" Tony's eyes lit up. In the box were four movies. "The Dirty Dozen... Star Wars... Goldfinger... and... Casablanca?" Tony smiled, a bit confused. The first three films were among his favorites and he talked about them all the time. But he'd always avoided seeing "Casablanca" because he thought it looked like a chick flick.

"Casablanca's the one I got especially for you, Tony," Papa Tony said, patting his grandson on the back. "After we go out to dinner for our birthday, how's about we watch that one, huh? That was my favorite movie when I was a young man. Those... were good days..." Uncle Vincenzo winked at Tony, who grinned back. Papa Tony sat, staring off dreamily into space.

"Sure, Papa Tony, we'll watch it," Tony said, giving the old man a hug. "You a big Humphrey Bogart fan?"

"Ah, he's okay," Papa Tony replied, "but I tell you THIS, buddy -- I'm a big INGRID BERGMAN fan!"

Sitting in a recliner, Tony watched the activity out on the street from his hospital room window. He was tired of being inside and depressed at not being able to remember much that had happened to him before the accident. The doctors said he'd suffered a head injury -- that accounted for the memory loss, which was most likely temporary. In time his memory would return, they told him. In time, Tony thought. How much time?

And then there was Ziva. This woman who he'd known -- supposedly loved -- before his injury. She was now a stranger to him. She visited him daily and her presence at once intrigued and frustrated Tony. Her being around him only reminded him of how much he'd apparently lost and so he always insisted she leave him alone. But, really, he always hoped she'd stay.

New York -- July 1992

When "Casablanca" was over, Tony had questions.

"OK, Papa Tony, I gotta ask... This? Doesn't seem like your kinda movie," Tony looked quizzically at his grandfather. "I mean, you took me to my first Steve McQueen film-fest. We watched 'The Dirty Dozen' over and over and over. And then one more time for good measure. Remember that James Bond Weekend we went to at the drive-in back in Columbus when I was seven?"

"Yeah," Papa Tony laughed, "You walked around sayin' you wanted your Cokes shaken not stirred for months after that. Damndest thing I ever saw. Got me laughin' every time I thought of it."

"Grandma Joan didn't think it was funny." Tony's face clouded, remembering how his grandmother had told him to "stop acting like a little idiot" the first time he'd made the joke in front of her. It hurt him deeply. He'd wanted her to love him the way Papa Tony did and instead she was only ever cold to him.

"Well, she wasn't much for kidding around," Papa Tony sighed, his expression turning glum. After a minute, he narrowed his eyes at Tony. "Hey, buddy, whaddaya mean 'Casablanca' doesn't sound like 'my' kinda movie, huh? You think I'm not a romantic kinda guy or somethin'?" Tony laughed.

"I don't know," Tony said. "Maybe. How'd you ever get into this movie? It was good but it's kind of a chick flick." Papa Tony shook his head, grinning.

"A 'chick flick'... Boy, you gotta lot to learn about women, I tell ya. How're you ever gonna find a good wife, Tony, if you don't figure out how to give a woman what she wants, huh? HUH?" He playfully punched Tony in the shoulder. "It's not all about what YOU want, buddy. Ya gotta let her be your partner -- fifty-fifty! Even stevens!" Tony stared at his grandfather. Where was all this coming from, Papa Tony and his advice about true love?

Papa Tony sighed and went on: "I saw 'Casablanca' when it first came out in 1943 at the old theater on Post. I was back in the U.S. then, stationed at Fort McPherson in Georgia. Me and some of the guys went to the first showing and they were all like you, Tony -- 'Ahhh... too much girl-stuff, not enough war!' But I went back and saw that movie all weekend long. Me, I liked that love story. A guy and the woman he loves more than anything get together over in Casablanca and then he's gotta let her go... He knows he's probably never gonna see her again..." The old man's voice trailed off. He stared wistfully out the window into the black night. Tony watched his grandfather, sensing he was talking as much about himself as about the movie. He started to ask Papa Tony about the World War II mission he never spoke of -- his own time in Casablanca in 1942 -- but felt that he shouldn't.

"Well, hey, I'm beat," Tony said at last, yawning. "Think I'm gonna call it a day. You comin' to bed, Papa Tony? I know Uncle Vinnie said you get up early for Mass on Sundays." Tony usually avoided Mass since he wasn't particularly religious and also since he was often hungover from partying on Saturday nights. But since his uncle and grandfather were devout Catholics who never missed Sunday Mass, he was going with them the next morning to their little parish for services.

"Soon, boy," Papa Tony replied. "I'll hit the hay soon."

As Tony stripped down to his boxers in the guest room, he heard the sound of the 'Casablanca' opening theme start up once again on the TV in the living room.

This was Tony's most vivid memory since he'd regained consciousness and he felt even more hopelessly alone now, having asked a nurse if his grandfather was coming to see him. She'd gently explained that no, he wasn't. How did she know, Tony had asked. His girlfriend, Ziva, had told her, the nurse said.

Ziva... He knew nothing about his own life. But Ziva knew everything about him.

Tony buzzed for the nurse. When she arrived, he had just one request.

"Is Ziva still here? I wanna see her."