The inspiration for this story comes from two places. (1) a lovely guest reviewer here names CouplesForever for suggesting this song. I don't know it but the lyrics are beautiful. And then (2) xphile101 over on Tumblr for asking me to follow up on what kind of broken Olivia brought her and Barba together from the previous chapter Odds Are.

Let me walk through life with you.
Everybody dreams of having what we do.
Like we're rolling thunder,
You pull me out from under.

-Jonathan Clay (Heart on Fire)

"Wouldn't you say, Lieutenant, that you have a reputation for getting witnesses and suspects to say what you want in order to 'get the guy' you decide from the get go has committed this crime, whether they actually have or not?"

"Objection, your honor!"

"Overruled, Mr. Barba. Lieutenant Benson opened that door during your questioning, so I have to allow it."

She knew he was going to kill her for that offhand comment that she knew would come back to bite her in the ass the moment it flew out of her mouth. Barba had tried to walk it back, but she knew it was too late. The look on that defense attorney's face when she said it had all but sealed that deal.

This case had been the bane of her existence from the get-go. Sketchy evidence, a really smart and knowledgeable suspect and witnesses who kept waffling on their stories. They would agree, they would disagree, one would change a detail and the other would scream about how that was wrong. Olivia just knew this guy was good for it. But there was so much confusion and dirt, that she wasn't sure anyone would ever see it. And now that she had to answer this damaging line of questioning about her character and her methods, she knew this case was over.

"… we find the defendant not guilty…"

That's all she heard. She dropped her head into her hands, having prepped herself for this moment. The girls were terrible on the stand. They blamed each other more than they blamed this guy that had caused so much pain in their lives. She glanced up to see him just staring ahead, not even bothering to turn to look at her in this moment, like he usually did. She could feel the tears forming, knowing he was angry and disappointed and that it was all her fault. She waited for the courtroom to empty out before she finally pushed herself off the bench and out the door.

"What the hell?!" they screamed at her the moment she pushed open the doors. The girls were coming toward her, hell on heels.

"You swore, YOU SWORE, that if we did this, he would go to jail. That this was a slam dunk!"

"I never said those words…"

"Bitch, please. You had us convinced that if we did this we would be doing the right thing!"

"You two did, but…"

"But nothing. He got to walk out of here and we are laughing stocks and can probably never show our faces at school again. Why the hell do you even do this job if you are, like, the worst at it? I mean, aren't you supposed to be a professional, but you couldn't even handle yourself on the stand!"

She had no words. Her brain was fried and her confidence was shot. She didn't even hear the words Carisi said as he put himself between her and the two standing in front of her, berating her like she kind of deserved. Through the haze of her unshed tears, she saw him ushering them toward the elevator, but not before they shot back comments and cuss words in her direction.

"Liv" she heard Amanda whisper in her ear. "Liv, let's get out of here."

She pushed away from her team. "I'll take the stairs" she choked out, needing to get out of this building.

They watched her go, unsure of what to do.

"Should someone…" Carisi started when they heard Barba clear his throat from behind them.

"I'll go" he said, already heading in the direction she had gone.

He found her around the corner, on a bench in the small park near the courthouse. He stopped short, looking at her, arms wrapped around her waist, looking small and so unlike Olivia Benson. He made his heart hurt and for a moment, he wanted to lay waste to those three awful people for coming into their lives.

He approached her slowly, being unsure if she even heard him coming or not. He sat down, resting his elbows on his knees.

"Go away" she choked out and he looked over to see her wipe a tear off her face.

"Liv…"

"Why are you even here? You couldn't even look at me after I screwed up on the stand. I figured you would be in Cutter's office, laying the blame for this right at my feet, which is exactly where it belongs."

"Liv, I wouldn't do that to. You know me better than that."

She shrugged and turned her head, shaking with anger and sadness. This had broken her.

"Liv, what they said after court was totally uncalled for."

She turned toward him, ripping her sunglasses off her face and he want to end those three people and take her in his arms and protect her from the rest of the world, based on the tear stained eyes and utter dejection on her face.

"No, Barba, it wasn't. It was exactly right. I was terrible today. It's my fault. This whole thing, from the beginning, is my fault. Maybe Tucker was right. I should just get out before I cause more damage."

"Don't ever say that again.

"What?"

"That Tucker is right about shit."

"Barba, I let this happen. If I can't do this job properly then maybe it is time for me to…"

He grabbed her hands, turning her toward him, their knees bumping against each other. He squeezed her hands tightly, trying to shake her out of this crazy funk she had forced herself into.

"Olivia Benson, you need to hear me and you need to do it right now. You had a bad day. It happens. Sure. It happened at a really bad time. It probably caused this case to go the way it did. I won't lie about that. Am I going to hear about this? Yes. I am. Carmen is probably already avoiding calls on my behalf. But don't let this one case, this one dog shit of a case, get in your head. You are Olivia Benson. You have single handedly changed how sex crimes are dealt with all across the city. If you leave, I don't know what happens to the people who need you here. I don't know what happens to me…" He trailed off, looking down at his hands wrapped around hers. He could feel her pulse racing under his fingertips. He knew his was doing the same. He looked up to see the utter fear and dejection on her face. It killed him.

"Barba, you don't have to… you don't have to say something you don't really mean to try to make me feel better. Please don't."

He pulled her closer, running his hands up her arms to her elbows.

"Olivia, you know me better than that. When do I ever say something I don't mean?" She looked away, tilting her head to one side, avoiding him.

"Please look at me, Liv" he whispered. She looked back, the sad dark brown eyes ending him. Everything he felt and had spent years avoiding was suddenly there on the surface and he wasn't sure he could beat it back into submission again. He wasn't sure he wanted to.

"You make me a better man. These last 5 years… I'm not the same person who came over from Brooklyn looking for a step up. You've made me care. You've caused me to see the people we fight for as a person, not a number. You have made me see that there is a chance of a life outside of this world we live in day in and day out, with Noah. Your heart is amazing and the care and passion you have for what we do amazes me every day. There is no one in the world like you, Liv. Trust me, I've looked. There is only one you and you are needed here. That team needs you. The victims need you. I need you." He pressed his lips together, sucking in air because of how fast those words had fallen out of his mouth.

He watched some of the fear and sadness in her eyes disappearing, being replaced by something new. Something hopeful.

"You've looked?" she whispered, flipping her hands over, gripping his arms.

"Everywhere" he replied, laying his heart and soul right there on the ground for her to see.

"Why?"

"Because I realized a long time ago, I need you. But I didn't think there was any way to have you, so I tried to find a version of you. It didn't work and I was miserable doing it."

"Why do you think you can't have me?"

His heart stopped for a moment. So did his breathing. "Rafael" she whispered and he knew he was done. He pulled his hand off her arm, threading her fingers through her hair, smiling as she leaned her face against his palm. "Liv…"

"You need to kiss me now, Raf. Right now. Please." There was no denying her in this moment, or probably anymore. He pulled her into him, placing his lips lightly on hers. Showing her that never giving up is a hell of an option. And then all thought flew out of his head when she threaded her fingers into his hair, swiping her tongue across his lips.

He smiled up at her as she pulled the phone out of his hand, sitting down next to him on her couch, enjoying the silence now that Noah had finally fallen asleep after the excitement of dinner with Rafael and ice cream a little too late in the day.

He slid his arm around her shoulder and she cuddled into his side, wrapping her arm lightly around his waist, burying her face into his neck. Normally, sitting so still cause him to break out into hives. But here, like this, with Olivia, it felt like the most perfect thing he could be doing.

"Thanks for coming after to me today, Raf" she mumbled into his neck, dropping a light kiss below his ear as the exclamation point to the sentence.

"I'll always come after you, Olivia. Always."