Author's Note: I want to send out a special dedication to one of my readers with whom I've had several rather pleasant chats about how the series skated around the fact that Joe King basically abandoned his family. Since this chapter deals with the emotional scars that action left behind, I want to dedicate this chapter to Stetsonfan. Thanks for all the chats. I hope you like what I've done here.

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In the wee hours of Friday morning, Amanda was locked tightly in her husband's arms. She sighed contentedly basking in the afterglow of their post-fight lovemaking. "Wow," she said.

"Yeah," Lee replied as he kissed her softly. "Like you said, this is one area that we don't have any issues and I'm inclined to agree. This is the one place that we're totally in sync."

Amanda sighed again and said, "Yeah, it's just too bad we can't be in sync on everything else."

"We could be," Lee said. "I mean, we're in love, right? That should be enough common ground to give us a starting point." When his wife was silent, he began to panic. "Amanda? We're in love, right?"

"Yes, of course we are," Amanda answered giving him a soft kiss.

"Why do I feel like there's a but coming on?"

Amanda sat up, took Lee's hands in hers and said, "Because there is and it's that sometimes no matter how much two people love each other, it's just not enough."

Lee bolted upright yanking his hands from her. He was in a real panic now and said, "That's the same thing you said to Chambers."

"It's true," Amanda replied.

"Amanda, don't say that, not about us. We can work this out. I want; no I need us to work this out and not just for us, but for our baby as well."

Amanda chuckled softly and said, "Didn't you hear else what I said to Chambers earlier, that staying-"

"Staying in an unhappy, unfulfilling marriage for the sake of the kids just makes everybody miserable," he finished sadly. He looked at her for a moment, saw that the look of contentment he'd seen in her eyes just moments ago had been replaced by one of worry, and said, "I thought you were just talking about your marriage to Joe, but you weren't, were you?" He swallowed hard, the hurt evident on his face as the reality of her words set in, "You were talking about our marriage too. Here, I thought I was doing everything I could to make you happy only to find out that I'm making you miserable, leaving you unhappy, unfulfilled."

Amanda took his hands in hers again looked him square in the eyes and said, "Can you honestly tell me that our marriage has happy and fulfilling one for you?"

"I don't know," Lee said sarcastically. "I thought we were both pretty damn fulfilled a few minutes ago."

"Sexually, maybe, but there's more to marriage than just sex, even if it is great sex," she said with a slight smile.

"Maybe we just need to stay in bed," Lee teased trying to lighten the mood.

"Would you be serious?"Amanda said. "I think that's where a lot of our problem is."

"I thought we just established that we don't have any problems there."

"We don't except that we've been using it to escape our real problems. I got to thinking about what I said to Francine when I was in the hospital, about how we've been playing catch up ever since our honeymoon was cut short and it's true. What little time we've been able to spend together as husband and wife during our marriage has mostly been spent making love. We spend so much time apart, that the minute we're alone together, all either of us is thinking about is being close to each other again and we hardly ever talk. I think that's what led to the big fight we had a month or so ago."

"If you recall, though, the making up from that fight is what led to our baby being conceived," Lee reminded her.

'Yeah, and as amazing as that is, we still never really talked about what got us there in the first place. We just sort of glossed over it and spent a good portion of the day in bed. We...uh...we just don't talk about things like we should."

"Amanda, we talk all the time," Lee protested.

"No, Lee, we don't, not about the things that matter. We talk about work; we talk about the kids, my mother, your uncle... What we don't talk about is what we really need to talk about and that's us, our marriage. That's what led to the fight last month and the one at the office on Monday."

"Lack of communication," Lee said remembering her words from earlier in the day.

"Yeah," Amanda said.

"So, how do we fix it?"

"For starters, there's some stuff about my first marriage that I should tell you, stuff that I've never shared with you that I should have told you a long time ago."

"Amanda, I don't think talking about your ex is the best solution to our problems," Lee protested.

"It is, Lee. It's important because what happened to me during my first marriage is affecting ours and it's going to keep affecting ours if I don't get it out."

Lee was still not thrilled with the idea, but sensed that it was important to her, so instead of arguing more, he said, "I'm listening."

"You've probably already figured this out by now, but the day that I married Joe, I was already expecting Phillip."

"Yeah, I knew that," Lee said. "Go on."

"Well, I think that the fact that we already had a baby on the way was the beginning of the problems in my marriage to Joe. Looking back on it, I don't think that he was ready to be married, to have a family, but he felt that he had no choice. The baby was going to be born, no matter what and I think he felt a lot of pressure from both his parents and mine to do the right thing or what everybody thought was the right thing. So, with the help of my mother, we planned the wedding, found this tiny little apartment in Georgetown, made plans for Phillip's arrival. Joe took a year away from school after graduating from college before he started law school so that we could get settled. He never said so, but I think he was always a little bitter about making that decision because it meant he would be starting his career a year later than he planned."

Lee nodded in understanding. "The night that I snuck in your window...That's why you made that crack about me resenting you down the road if I changed jobs so that we could bring our marriage out into the open."

Amanda nodded slowly and continued. "Joe never said it, but I think that by the time he graduated from law school and we had Jamie on the way, he was already feeling tied down, trapped. I think that's why the job with the EAO held such appeal to him. It meant he would get to travel, and do the things that he wanted to do without being burdened by the everyday routine of raising a family. I mean, he always wanted to do something worthwhile with his law degree. He never had any desire to be some hotshot corporate lawyer or anything. He always had this dream of doing his part to save the world and the EAO gave him that opportunity."

"And gave him the opportunity to escape his responsibility to his family," Lee muttered, his hatred for Joe King growing.

"Lee, don't, he's..."

"Amanda, if you tell me again that he's a great guy, so help me God, I am going to lose it! A great guy doesn't abandon his family, no matter how noble his intentions, or how much he wants to save the world."

"Ok, ok, you're right," Amanda said. "But don't you see where I'm going with this? You and I could easily end up in the same boat. I know how much you love your job, how much you love doing your part to save the world as well."

"But there's a big difference, Amanda. I have never once felt tied down or trapped by being married to you. I married you because I wanted to spend my life with you."

"You don't feel trapped now, but what's going to happen a year from now when we're up all night looking after a screaming baby when you're used to being up all night on a pub crawl."

"Amanda, when was the last time you saw me do that? There is a huge difference between Joe and me. First, I'm thirty-seven, not twenty-two. Second, I've done all the traveling and running around that I ever care to do; Third, I asked you to marry me, not out of obligation, but because I love you and wanted to be with you and I accepted when I did that the ready-made family comes as part of the deal. I may not exactly know how to be a part of a family, but that's where I've been counting on you to help me with that. I need you to tell me what you need, what the kids need. Until I called the house and talked to your mom, I didn't know how bad the situation really was because you didn't tell me."

"But Lee, Phillip and Jamie aren't your responsibility...They-" she began

"The hell they aren't," Lee countered cutting her off. "They are my family whether they know it or not and I have a responsibility to them that I should have fully embraced a long time ago."

"Lee, you've been great with them," Amanda protested.

"Sure, at hanging out with them, doing the fun stuff with them, but I haven't been there for them for the everyday stuff, the homework and school events, or like recently when they were sick. I should have been there for all that stuff too, especially since their own father doesn't give a damn. Didn't you say yourself, that I should have helped you out sooner?"

"Ok, yes, maybe you should have, but you're kind of missing the point of where I was going with this. When Joe and I got married, we never really had a serious talk about our future. Since we were planning our wedding and having a baby, I just assumed, wrongly, that we were on the same page when it came to having a family, a home..."

"But you weren't," Lee finished for her.

"No, we weren't. Joe and I never were on the same page and as much as I love you and want to make this work, I can't help but feel like you and I are heading down the same path. We've never really talked about our future either, you know, the same stuff, family, a home life."

"Yes, we have," Lee argued. "You seem to remember all the bad stuff when we were working on Khai's case, but you seem to have forgotten all the conversation we had about our future before deciding to keep our marriage in the shadows."

"I remember you getting excited about that house in Rockville and horses," she said. "But we never really talked about kids, having more kids, I mean."

"Mm-hmm," Lee said. "Well, you seemed to have missed the reason that I wanted the house and the horses. Don't you remember that I said that I always wanted my kids to have horses? I didn't mean just Phillip and Jamie. I wanted the bigger house because I always just took it for granted, I guess, that one day you and I would have kids of our own. Why do you think it upset me so much in the hospital when I thought you weren't happy about this baby?" He released one of his hands from hers and placed his firmly on her abdomen. "This baby means everything to me, just like you do, just like Phillip and Jamie do. You, the baby, the boys, even your mom, you're the only real family I've had since I was a little kid and I..." His voice broke up as he became choked with emotion.

"Lee?"Amanda said with concern.

"I...I couldn't stand it if anything happened to you, if I lost another family. Now, that we have a shot at having a real family life, I...I...can't lose that. I just couldn't take it. "Why do you think I've been driving you nuts trying to keep you safe? When I saw what happened to you on our honeymoon, I just kept thinking that if you...died. If I had lost you, I think I would have died too."

"Don't you think you're being a little melodramatic?"

"No, Amanda, I'm not. I may not have physically died, but I would definitely have lost the will to live. You hear all the time about these little old couples who have been together so long, and have such a deep connection, that when one of them goes, the other goes shortly after." He took a deep breath to calm himself a little before continuing. "That's how I feel about you, that if you died, I wouldn't be far behind. My biggest fear in life is not the flying bullets or the spies that may be out get me, it's the idea of living my life without you."

"Then I think we're on the same page," Amanda said with a watery smile, Lee's words getting her teary as well.

Lee leaned in and kissed her softly, pulled her to him, draped one arm across her shoulders as she leaned her head against his. The sat there silently for a moment, just holding each other before Lee spoke again. "Amanda, there's one more thing that I want to know...about your marriage to Joe." Amanda tried to pull back from him, but he held her firmly against him. "Don't, Amanda, don't pull away from me again."

Amanda sighed and said, "Lee, I...I don't really want to talk about my first marriage anymore. It's in the past now."

"No, it's not. Not completely, as you said before, the scars left behind by your first marriage are affecting ours. Just one more question that I want an honest answer to, then I'll leave it alone."

"Ok, go ahead," Amanda said warily.

"If you were so unhappy with him, so miserable, why'd you stick it out for ten years if it was bad from the start?"

"It wasn't bad from the start. We had a lot of good stuff. It wasn't really until three years in when Jamie was on the way, that I got the sense that he was feeling restless and was looking for something else. You don't know some other stuff. When he and I were dating and starting to get pretty serious, we talked about our big dreams of making the world a better place."

"So, he wasn't the only one with that dream?"

"No," Amanda said. "We talked about getting married even then, but down the road after he'd finished law school and we'd talked about traveling together, joining the peace corps or something. He was going to use his law degree to help and I was going to use my English degree to teach English, to educate people who wouldn't have had an opportunity for education otherwise. We had such big plans, but everything changed when I got pregnant with Phillip, when I became a mom. My priorities shifted drastically. His didn't. When he joined the EAO, he expected me to go with him because that was what we had planned on initially, but that was no way to raise a family."

"He couldn't accept that your priorities were now on your family and not other people's?"Lee suggested.

"Something like that," Amanda said. "He once even told me that if I really loved him, I should be willing to follow him anywhere. The thing is, if we hadn't had the boys, I gladly would have, but with not knowing where we might end up, what kind of conditions we'd be facing, if the boys would be safe. I tried to get him to understand where I was coming from and he tried to convince me that just because our lives had taken a slight detour that that was no reason to give up on our dreams."

"So, that's when you decided that he should go alone and try to make the best of a long-distance marriage?"

"Yeah," Amanda answered. "He was determined to do it and I felt there was no reason that we should both give up the dream, so he left and I stayed home with the kids. It was ok for a while, but it got to a point where the distance just drove a wedge between us."

"That still doesn't answer my question. The first three years or so were decent, so why'd you hang on for another seven?"

"Because I believed in my marriage vows, I believed in sticking to the 'for better or for worse' part. I thought that he'd eventually get it out of his system and come home and we'd be a real family. It didn't work out that way, though. The more he traveled, the more he got attached to the good work he was doing, the more he stayed gone and I...I finally got to a point where I just couldn't live like that anymore, having a husband who was hardly ever around, raising our children by myself, being married, but living alone."

"I can relate to that," Lee said. "Being married, but living alone, I mean."

"Yeah, I guess you can, can't you?" she said. "You know, I'll never forget the day that I signed the final divorce papers, how I cried, how I blamed myself and sat there in that lawyer's office wondering if it might have been different if I'd gone with him, if it would have changed anything."

"You can't know that, Amanda."

"I know. You know, I think that's why I also hung onto Dean for longer than I should have even though I knew it wasn't going anywhere. He loved the boys, he love me, wanted to marry me and I have to admit, the idea of having a guy in my life who was dependable held some appeal, but I...I couldn't. I cared for him, but I just wasn't in love with him. There was no spark, no romance. Of course, then I met you and my whole life changed again. With you, there was definitely a spark from the very beginning and working with you, for the agency, in a way, it helped me to re-ignite that old dream of doing my part to make the world a better place, a safer place. That's a big part of why I've hated it every time, you try to talk me out of the field, when you try to bench me, why it infuriates me every time you tell me to stay put or stay in the car."

"That's always been because I love you and I want to keep you safe," Lee said.

"I know, Lee, but we don't live in a safe world."

"I know. Besides, it's not like you really listen to me when I tell you to stay put anyway."

"Well, look at what's happened the few times that I have. During the Nightcrawler fiasco, I stayed behind in the news van like you told me to and got nabbed by Addi Birol; when you told me to get back in the car when we were being shot at in California that's when I was shot. When I was waiting in the car while you were working your peacock dance with Sonja Chenko, that's when Alexi attacked you. If I'd followed my own instinct and backed you up, maybe none of those things would have happened. My first instinct has always been to back you up, not sit and wait. I worry about you endlessly when I'm not there by your side and I know that we've been in some pretty tight spots, but we've done it together and I wouldn't change a minute of it, whether it's safe or not. Like Billy's always saying, we work best together. Please, don't take that away from me, from us."

"Huh," Lee said with a shake of his head. "Ok, I'll make you a deal. When we get back to the agency, we'll tell Billy everything and if he thinks that it can be worked out, then we'll work out some kind of compromise. How does that sound?"

"Sounds like a plan," she said.

"Good," he said as he kissed her. "It's late. We should get some sleep if we're going to be coherent enough to get this case wrapped up." He lay back down on his back and reached for her.

"Yeah, you're right," she said as she sank into his arms and they drifted off into a peaceful sleep together both feeling better than they had in months now that all their cards were on the table.