Deadpool Takes Vale
Deadpool
"Deadpool!" Roman ran into the room the merc was in and slid to a stop, "There you are, get up you have a job to do tonight."
"Job?" You ever notice that every time Roman needs us he's always calling for us? Like, shoot us a text man, or go into the kitchen, seriously we were in there for forty-five minutes yesterday trying to reheat a chimichanga.
"Yeah, we need more Dust, and I need you to go on a crime spree for the next week before our big job."
"Just me?" Deadpool asked in a serious tone.
"Just you." Deadpool clapped his hands and started dancing.
"Yes, yes, yes! Let's do this! WOOOO-" Deadpool ran out of the warehouse with his katanas and his pistols. Did you here him say where we're supposed to go? "Who cares, let's take Vale!" Yeah!
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Deep in the middle of downtown Vale sits a hero that this city doesn't need nor deserve. Living by his credo 'With great power comes great irresponsibility' Deadpool sits on a rooftop, waiting for his time to emerge. "Perched, I'm perched on a rooftop." Then drink some water. "No, that's Parched." Hark! "The herald angels si-" Shut up! Out in the distance, a Dust shop is closing, time to make our move.
Hopping from rooftop to rooftop we make our way to the recently closed Dust shop 'UnDustable' "Alright, how do we break in?" ...Air vents? "Totally." Moving over to the air vent, we remove our katanas to open up the grating. "Having to steal Dust just to stay alive, it's very...de-grate-ing. Eh, eh?" Kill ourself. Once opening up the grating we realized one crucial factor we never counted on, "We're to big to fit in that thing, and don't exactly feel like breaking my 'smooth criminals' to get in either." ...I mean, what if we just threw a rock through the window, grab some Dust, and bail? "Oh yeah, screw this mission impossible shit, it hasn't been good since the first three." So grabbing a rock nearby, and, like breaking a window to prove a point of superiority, we broke that window and showed we were superior. "Take that, bitch ass window." Okay, better hurry before the police get here.
We walk through the broken window crunching the shattered glass below our feet and seeing that our objective was right in front of us we decided to act. That is, until we heard a cocking sound. "You better get the hell out of my shop before I blow your head off." This guy must be new to this, can't blame him for staying behind, what with Roman taking all the Dust lately.
"Yeah no kiddi- OW! Dick!" Did he seriously just hit us in the back of the head?
"Shut up!" You hear that? It's fear. "Now, y-you get out of this store now, you hear? Leave, and I won't hurt ya."
"Sorry, but uh, I can't do that." We sent an elbow his way and he fired in shock, the blast missed us, but did hit a pile of Lightning Dust...oh shit..."Oh shit..."
"Oh shit..." With the explosion a chain reaction occured that caused the Burn Dust and Explosive Dust nearby to go haywire. The Explosive Dust blew a hole in the building and it started to crumble. Unfortunately the Burn Dust started a fire that made things worse. "Crap! A beam landed on my leg!" the man was struggling and we were at an impasse, either steal whatever Dust was left and bail...or do what Spidey would want us to do and get the hell outta here.
"God dammit..." Rushing to the man we started using all of our strength to lift the burning plank. "God, you had all the balls to defend your store with a shotgun, so why can't you help me lift a bloody log?" That was a piss poor reference to Batman Begins and the author knows it, but guess what? He won't change it. The man finally decides to use some force and thanks to our super human strength we were able to lift the log and throw it out of the way. "Hot, hot!" Picking up the man, we dragged him out of the building and laid him on the ground watching over him to make sure he was alive. A cough was our evidence for us, so we left, deciding to hit up a different store.
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After that botched robbery we were walking down the street, barely being able to see because these street lamps are PATHETIC! "Seriously, has anyone here heard of LED?" No doubt. Alright so that was a complete mess, what's the plan now? "Hmmm, hey, Spidey has stopped a bunch of robberies right?" Yeah. "And all that Dust has to be picked up right?" Right. "So, shouldn't that mean all we have to do is sneak into the Police station, go to the evidence room, and break out with the Dust?" No. "What why not?" Because, a police station will be heavily armed, and if we get caught in there- "Then we pull out the weapons and un-alive all the cops. Simple as that, am I right?" No! This is a stupid asinine plan and the only way this works is through a bunch of Hitman style BS and clichés, which I will not take part in! "Yes you will," No. I. won't. "Yes you will~" No I won't. " Yes. You...Will!"
Vale Police Department.
Deadpool is in front of the Police station with a police outfit on over his costume and a duffle bag in his left arm that contains all of his weapons. Oh God Dammit! "It'll be fiiiiiinne, just go back to narratin' you were doing so good." alright, but if you screw the pooch on this one I won't be held responsible, "Of course." Walking through the doors we meet our first opposition: The receptionist, "Hey Gloria." Did we seriously just address the receptionist that isn't even looking at us.
"...Hey Jim." ...What? she didn't even look at us, and who's Jim?
"Oh, just the guy whose outfit I stole." Great now get passed her without making conversation. "Hey, Gloria, I forget, where is the evidence room again? Ya' see, I picked up this duffle bag of various weapons from that Dust store fire a little bit ago." Okay, that was the complete opposite of what I wanted you to do. *Sigh* The receptionist leans over to us, she's an older black lady with corrective lenses and gives a typical 'Mm-mm-mmm'
"Child, I swear you forget wear that evidence room is every week! Lord bless your innocent soul," She pointed down a hall to our left, "Down that hall take a left and then a right, it should be labled." No way did that just friggen work.
"Believe it baby!" We may have gotten lost on the way there, but it wouldn't have happened if we didn't stop by the bathroom to...ahem...bleed the lizard, as it were. Okay, we're in the evidence room, what's next? "Well, we obviously have to take all the Dust that's in here," And? "Some cash would be nice...Ooo~ Hockey mask!" Calm down Jason, let's get serious here. "Right, right...um..." Now if we were a pile of confiscated Dust, where would we hide? In the drawers? "No." Table? "No." In a vault? "N-...Actually, that just might be where it's at." Okay, so this huge vault has what looks to be foot thick steel door, so that means we should use about... let's see carry the one, add seven..."Dude, let's just use all of the C-4" Yeah that works, screw math!
"Three," Two, "One." BOOM! That explosion kicked ass! I mean the reader can't see it, but you can imagine it, just take your average Micheal Bay explosion, layer that on top of that scene in the Ant-Man movie and you have what we have here. "Right, let's hope that the explosion didn't rattle up the Dust any." Walking inside the vault we find that, overall, it's very underwhelming, I mean, I expected it to be more whelming, but I guess not. Anyway, the Dust was ripe and ready for the taking, "Like taking candy from a baby." Who the hell steals candy from a baby? No, honestly, what jackass steals from an infant? There's a special place in hell for people like that. "Dido." Alright we got the stuff, let's get out before backup-
"Hault! Put your hands in the air!" -comes...Crap. "I said put your hands in the air!" Do it idiot, this chick ain't playin' "Now turn around."
We do so and who do we see, "Holy crap, Glynda?" Mrs. Robertson, about time we get some one on one time, "Me-eow."
She scoffed. Scoffed. At us, can you believe it? "Hello Pool."
"Ugh, it's Deadpool actually, and don't worry, you don't have to underline my name every time you say it."
She folded her arms and gave us a death glare.
...Oh, she's still going. Uh...Quick! Say something witty! "You know, you may be a Good Witch, but with that crop something tells me you've been awfully naughty! Hehe." We're dead.
And as if she read our mind she was willing to fight us. Fight us! Over a stupid joke! "Pretty sure it was all that Dust we tried to steal right now."
"I didn't want to harm you because you are an ally of Parker, but there are many things I can't tolerate." She raised her crop and began to levitate us- OH MY GOD!
"Crap!" If you haven't guessed yet, this is really unfun, but on the bright side, very relaxing on the back. She threw us against the wall and caused a crater, then to the back of the vault. Soon she followed to finish the job, but we were one step ahead of her. "Noclip Hack, lol!" Teleporting to the other side of her with the bag we taunted and boasted our greatness, "Look, I'd love to stay and grope, buuuut...and that's the end of the joke, seeya!" With the speed of Night Crawler...because, you know, we can teleport, we teleported out of there.
"Man, way too close." Your telling me, next time you have an idea that stupid, don't tell me, I don't want to be overly pissed. "...Did you say overy piss?" What? Why would I- nevermind, shut up. "So, you ready to do this again?" Christ.
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The next day...Dun Dun- That's a Law and Order Reference.
Okay...what are we doing today, something stupid I assume. "No, we're going out to eat." Really? "Yeah. Hit your sweet, sweet narration."
On our way to 'Not-applebees' we happen to come across something of intrigue, intrigue in that it could be the answer to some of our current problems. "Okay, big bank," Check. "Stores Dust inside." Check. "Is a Schnee Dust Company building?" Checkeroonie. "Bring it on. Hey Nerd, que the music." Uh, umm...
hold on...
...HERE WE GO! Music Que: X Gon' Give It To Ya- DMX
Damn right, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. We walk into the SDC building, like a boss, and approach the front desk, we need to know the 'ins and outs' of this place and to do that we need someone on the inside. So to do that we- CRAP, HIDE! "Why is Parker here with the Heiress?" Who knows, but maybe it's best that we don't try to steal with them here, yeah? "Now, hold on, we need the ins and outs, why don't we just pick her pocket and get some access." That won't work, not with him around, unless..."We cause a distraction. Didn't Roman give us a number to call if we needed back up?" Yeah, some WF goons should work nicely in this situation. "Hold up, what's that?" Oh. They seem to be entering the Heiress' vault...we could just pop in there I guess, avoid the trouble. "Good plan, I didn't need to deal with the wrath of Spidey right now." Why is he even here? "McGuffin maybe?"
Using our expertise we were able to pop into the Dust Vault undetected, all we have to do now is not attempt to harm them, and take some of the Dust. To do that means not, in any way shape or form, go near the White Witch, as our mere presence may be enough to set up the alarm that is Parker's Spider-Sense. Any plans? "We take a little at a time, let's start there." We went behind a crate to just grab a little bit of Dust, and guess who we find
"Hey Wade." Crap, there goes that plan.
"Heeey...bud...how'd you know I was here?"
Parker cocked his eyebrow as if it was obvious to us. "You're a wanted mercenary working with Roman Torchwick, you're heavily armed, trying to steal Dust, and are more than likely thinking on using force to escape with said Dust." Well, that sums this trip up rather well, doesn't it? "Also, Glynda told me what happened last night...she's not pleased an-" Wagh, wagh, wa, wa, that's all I hear. Well, since this is a bust, you wanna get something to eat? Tacos maybe? Burgers?
"Yeah Tacos sound nice."
"...You didn't hear a single word I said, did you?" Nod your head dummy. Uh-oh, he's sighing, maybe that wasn't the reaction to use, "Get out." Pointing? That's rude.
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"Mmm, hmhm, Tacos were a great idea." Problem is, now we don't have another cool place with a bunch of Dust to rob. Hey, maybe that transport sheet we got from Wayne Ma- I mean, Schnee Manor, will tell us of a truck transport. Then we could just jack the truck and drive off. Hell, we could probably do that to a bunch of them. "Eh, we'll check tomorrow."
Saturday- Dun, Dun-
Okay, next transport is in a few days...what do we do till then? "Don't know...TV?" Fun time? "NEO!! WE'RE GOING TO THE MOVIES!"
...Huh, no response. Maybe her and Roman are out. "Well, there goes that plan."
Sunday- Dun Dun -
Scroll's ringing, pick it up. "UGGHHH. Hello?"
'Deadpool, it's Roman, listen Neo and I are stuck on the northern part of Vale right now, at a meeting with you know who, we won't be back for another two or three days, see you then' *click*
"Ugh, dick, send a text next time...zZz"
Monday- Dun Dun -
Hey, isn't that truck arriving today? "At, twelve, why?" It's 11:45. "Shit! Time to go!" Rather observant today aren't you.
Back in downtown Vale and lookie here, it's the truck, "Oh thank Odin! All that running was tiring." Approaching the truck however we are met with more opposition, in the form of Team JNPR. "What the?"
"Oh, your that guy that helped Spidey earlier right?" Jaune asked us.
"Hello again!" Of course that's Pyrrha with her, oh so cheery, attitude.
Then there's Nora, "Who the the hell is this dude?" Ouch, that hurt.
"Nora. Language." Apparently Ren is Cap.
"Soooo...what are you guys doing here?" Yeah, keep it subtle like that, it'll be fine.
"Oh! Some guy asked us to watch the truck while he went inside for a bit." Jaune said knocking on the truck.
"Great, great, great. Listen, I'mma need the Dust from that truck."
Pyrrha blinked a few times before she widened her eyes, probably realizing what we were doing, "You can't!"
Slight chuckles, and a gun in front of their anime faces! We have been too damn busy to not get this job done, and soul help us God if we lose to a bunch of kids, "I'll shoot myself."
"What?" Ren asked...probably should've left that one in your head eh?
Cock your gun, make it cool! "I said, I'm taking. This. Dust. And not you," We point at Ren, "and especially not YOU, you-you stereotypical doofus!" We actually were pointing at Nora on that one, so, joke's on you reader. "Are gonna stop me!"
"Well, w-we won't let you." Man, ever since that event in the forest Jaune grew some balls, huh? I guess it's his development, get better little by little. "Guys, we have here a bad guy. And, we don't like bad guys."
"I don't either, I prefer bad girls! They tend to be more open minded." Old school zinger. Pyrrha and the rest of the team brought their weapons at the ready and only one thing was on our mind: What are we gonna eat tonight? Mac n' cheese? Enough of that, weapons at the ready, katanas. "Just to let you guys know, I'm not afraid to stick my sword through you." Lies for two reasons, 1) We don't hurt kids, B) We aren't pedophiles, because you know, that inuendo. And Ç) La frases en el Español.
"Well, bring. It. On." Both sides are ready and they actually look prepared, which is freaking me the hell out. Then the wind blew and a tumble weed went by gaining the attention of all the teens. "Um, guys, aren't we in the city?" Jaune does make an astute deduction.
"BANG!" Oh, we're firing, okay. Just keep shooting I'm sure they- why is Pyrrha doing that move that Neo did at the end of the Matrix? "No..." I suppose I should clarify, at the end of Matrix, SPOILER ALERT, Neo stops all the bullets in front of him using his hand to stop them like a foot away from his face. That's what Pyrrha is doing. "Heheh, uhhhh, hold on we don't have too get-" Dude...run.
Pyrrha sent the bullets flying back in our direction and let me tell you, it hurt...A LOT! To bring insult to injury, because of our over abundance of metal on our person, Pyrrha lifted us up and threw us as far as she could. Thankfully our fall was broken by a glass window and some dudes apartment building. "Oh, hey guy. Umm...sorry to, you know, interrupt your masturbation time." No response, "So, uh, I see you're typing away there. What's you're name?"
"F-Francis..." Wait...is he who I think he is?
"Francis? What up King! Hey, I have a question, how come I'm not in your fan fic yet." Can we hit him? Does that effect the real world?
"What are you- GUAH!" Nice punch. Hey, do the ending to his chapter.
"Heheheh..." Oh, that is just terrible. "Your move King." Alright, let's get out there and kick that redheads ass!
Jumping out the window we came much more prepared by taking a super magnet with us. Hopefully, that because of it, we should be able to fight MagNikos. The team was already waiting for us when we got there, so that made things easier, especially when Jaune was quivering in his boots. "Alright, be honest, I'm not the only one with a little bit of piss in their pants, am I?" We pull out our thick rubber mallets, so that we could combat female Ian McKellen.
Nora scoffs at our...less than admirable hammer size, "What are those gonna do when you have to go against THIS." Jesus Christ she can be frightening. Ahem...Anyway, Nora and we launched at each other and collided hammer to hammer, it was quite the spectacle to see, especially when she fired her grenade launcher point blank!
"AAAUUUGGHHH!!" Don't move...play dead, mess with their heads, THEN attack.
"Ohmygosh! Nora, you've killed him!" Classic Pyrrha, always worried about the good of others.
"That was NOT part of the plan, I swear. I thought he had an aura!"
Now. Now! "BANG!" We fired at Jaune first, but our lack of depth perception, because of blown off face, causes it to hit his shield, "F@%$! Oh, it's like the comics. That's kinda funny."
"What the-?" HAHAHA, Jaune's face is priceless right now, it looks like when you try to fart but comes out as a poop... Yes that was a poop joke, we're low on material. "Alright team, uhhh...Power Formation!" What?
"What?" We an Ren have similar minds. "What's Power Formation again?"
"Ugh, guuuyyyysss..." That poor kid, all he wants to do is lead his team and be part of arguably one of the most popular ships there was.
"Well, we haven't really gone over it until now."
Even his red headed baby mama doesn't know what's going on, "So sad." Agreed.
Okay, battle ready stance. Let's show them some of our Gunkata. Fire the Deagle at Ren it'll slow them down, slice at Nora and- OH SHI- Okay, Nora's firing, if you can manage to hit just ONE then we could stand a chance. "Augh!" And don't get shot by Ren in the process.
"Okaaaay, have a load of this!" Nora sent a grenade towards our direction, we fire and miss. The explosion then launches us across the street, destroying a car in the process. Coming to finish the job, she fired another round in our direction. Last shot, make it count.
"Bang..." We fire and we connect to the grenade causing an explosion as it was leaving it's chamber. The resulting explosion broke up the team into seperate two man groups, Ren with Pyrrha, and Jaune with Nora. "So long extra dimensional cowboy." We were played by Steve Blum once, who also played Logan in our game. "Oh yeah? So that means we are more alike than Wolvie lets on." Yeah, we should probably get back to the B-Team now.
Making a pop over to Ren and Pyrrha, we begin our battle to defeat Gin Dynasty and Pyrrhic Victory...cause, you know. "Uhh, wha-" Pyrrha was the first up and we threw a right hook, then followed with a left jab and finished with a Spartan kick. Moving to Ren, we avoided some slashes and took a few bullets ultimately we knocked him back with a palm to his chest.
"HEISSMAN!" Ren flys back and collides with his red clad teammate, "Hell yeah! We could've been in the CFL!" Pyrrha and Ren get up and they start to plan something, but I ain't staying around to find out what, time to bid this area adieu and get to the truck.
We popped over by the truck and guess what? The damn thing is gone! And we have no idea where it is headed now. "Looking for something?" Jaune was acting reeeeaal smug because he knows that his team won this fight. "Must be a shame to lose to a bunch of teenagers." his attitude has Parker written all over it, and it is annoying.
"Okay Joan of Ark, don't break an arm jerking off your team." Classic zinger. Seriously though, they actually beat us. "Only because we weren't trying to kill them." Yeah, but we WERE trying to steal that truck.
"So, what's your plan now Pooly?" Great...now Nora is taunting us. At that moment the rest of JNPR arrived albeit out of breath. Wonder why. "Oh. Hey guys, where have you been?"
Ren was the one to respond. "Nora, we had to try to fight him, and then run over here. We really don't have time for teasing right now."
"*sigh* Well, looks like it's back to lounging on the couch and eating ice cream." We wave and make our leave and the kids seemed baffled.
"Wait, uhhh...you're under arrest!" Nice try Jaune but-
"No I'm not! I haven't technically done anything illegal, so, joke's on you!" God I love loopholes. So, Mac n' Cheese? "Yeah, that seems the best."
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Hideout
"Well, at least the food is good."
Tuesday- Dun Dun -
We are sitting on a recliner watching a Grifball game, "What do you think the rest of the Six are doing?" Being prepared to be slaughtered, Ock has no power here and he knows it, the others, well, there's Rhino and then The Lizard, as well as Scorpion. "So, only one competent henchman for the Octopus?" Yeah. "Shame."
Wednesday- Dun Dun -
Eh, just use the Phantom Pain fast forward cigar, "WOAH- HOOOOOOO!!"
Thursday- Screw you this joke is old -
Okay! Last chance to get some extra Dust before the big heist and, hopefully, get some with Neo. "And by 'get some' he means-" They know what I mean, now let's get this job done.
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Later That Night
Okay, let's wrap this shit up- we're out of jokes, "Yeah." And are more than likely showing up in the next chapter only to get our ass kicked. "Most likely." And we desperately need Dust from this store to replenish some of our munitions. "Of course." Also Webs is patrolling about now, so, we are in for a ride. "Bring it on."
We walk up to the window of the Dust shop and, learning from last time, just shot the window out. Seeing no opposition we walk inside and grab some Dust in a bag and walk out. No, seriously, we just walked out, nothing happened. Crazy right? "Kinda late to be buying Dust, don't ya think?" ...Shit.
"Spidey! Buddy, how are you? Been eating good I see. Is that a new suit? It...suits you! Hehe." He's pissed. "What? How can you tell?" He's squinting. "Look, Spidey, I am going to take this okay bud? I need it."
"What you need is an ass kicking." Ooo, saucy. "How about I beat you up, return the Dust and maybe, MAYBE I'll let you go."
F!% him, we don't leave with this Dust Roman'll be pissed. "Yeah, then we have to explain why we keep going easy on Spidey. Or worse, Neo reads our mind!" Screw him, let's do this.
"Really? We're doing this?" We get in our stance and pull out our swords, Spidey sighs, "Okay, your loss." That's a new stance he's rockin there.
"I noticed, maybe we should- OOF!" AGH! GUT CHECK, GUT CHECK! "Christ, why is he so fast?" Hehe, the girls must be disappointed, "Hehe, yeah he pro- GUAH!" Freaken clocked! Okay, new strategy we- "RUN!" Not what I was going to say, but sure. "Almost there, almost there...CRAP! How did you-"
"Beat you here?"
"Woah, are you-"
"Reading your mind? No."
"Then how-"
"You have a limited vocabulary Wade, I doubt you're capable of coming up with questions that are actually complicated." Okay, hurtful. "Now I think it's time we-"
"Here!" Why are we giving him the bag? Oh, ohhhh, I get it yeah. Good plan.
Spidey cocked a lense. "Really. You surrender? What's your game?"
"No game, just check the bag."
Spidey checks the bag and looks back at us. "...Okay, I guess I'll let you go, but I'm still mad you tried to do this in the first place."
"Hey, l can't do a guy a solid?"
"Fine."
We give him a salute and take off. So, think he'll know that we took almost all of the burn Dust? "Not sure, but we have some." Ah, but is it enough? "Oh hell no! But, we'll have to make due." How do we break it to Roman?
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Hideout
"You were jumped..." He's not buying it.
"Yeah!"
"By Spider-Man?"
"Uh-huh."
"...So shouldn't you be saying you were foiled? WE'RE the villains Deadpool, we jump the good guys, not the other way around." He does have a point Wade.
I told you, but you didn't listen. "Whatever, think you can make due?"
Roman took a drag off his cigar and sighed, "Do I really have a choice?"
Smile idiot, "When do we start?" Ugh, in two days! Come one we've seen this much already!
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Peter
Peter, currently Spider-Man, was returning the Dust that he retrieved from Deadpool, "This isn't nearly enough Dust for Roman and them to do something. What was Wade's plan?" placing the Dust on the counter Spidey found a note that had his name on it. He picked it up and it read thus:
'Spider-Man,
Be Prepared.'
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" he asked himself. Not finding an answer he pocketed the note and began his journey back to Beacon. Hope it's nothing too serious.
Next Time- The Stray and The Fight at The Docks
A/N: Holy shit! Finally! How did you guys like the Deadpool narrative? No seriously, I need to know, I thought I'd try something new and since I have never done a first person view I thought I'd try it with Deadpool. If you don't like it that's okay, I'll just scrap it, just thought I'd try something new ya know? Anyways, how was your guys' Thanksgiving...if you're American. Mine was alright, other than there not being enough mashed potatoes. I picked up that new CoD game, it was the first time I have truly been excited for a CoD game in a long time, and since I only play campaign I was not dissapointed. I mean, sure, there were some over the top moments, but overall it was a pretty solid game, even zombies mode was fun for me, and I hated zombie mode in the last few entries. Saw Ragnarok, fantastic movie, saw Justice League...I mean...it COULD have been better, but it also could have been A LOT worse. Anyways, I'm rambling now- uh, shout out to KingFrancisX and his current story, seriously I love this guy, he makes me jealous. And...uh...shout out to all you guys, the newcomers and the ones who've been here since the beginning, I know there isn't a lot of you, but there's enough for me to keep going, hell, I'd probably keep going even if there was no one to see it, I have a story to tell and I want to tell it. I even have an endgame! Oh, I can't wait, sometimes I just want to timeskip all the way to ths end so that I can show you guys what I mean, but that would be a stupid story. Okay, I'm going for realsies this time, favorite, follow, and review on what you thought of this interesting chapter. Also remember to PM qustions, suggestions anything, I'll be hapoy to answer all of them...unless it's finals week. Well Laters Sheeple!