Chapter Twenty Five
"There, I got another batch of DVDs," Awinita said to Rain while they stood in the post office with the others.
"Did you get the one with the leg lamp?" Rain said.
"Yes, trust me, that was the first one I ordered," Awinita replied. "I also got that Liar, Liar one in case the Doctor wants to see where the have you been sexually assaulted line came from."
Rain giggled. She glanced over at her husband who was leaning up against the wall by the front door reading a letter. She noticed a few other items in his hand and walked over to his side. She leaned her head in slightly staring at the letter.
"No one told you it was rude to read other people's correspondence?" the Doctor said giving her a playful grin.
"I'm just curious who writes to the Oncoming Storm," she said, shrugging.
"I have several friends who write to me on occasion," he said.
"Like who?"
The Doctor raised his eyebrow.
"Why? You don't think I have a life outside the TARDIS?" he teased.
"Just curious. You're curious about things I do. I can't do the same for you?" she said.
"Well, this is from an old friend called Julip who lives in the Calium Galaxy. I've known him for a couple of centuries now."
"Wow, is he or she that old?"
"He. And no, he isn't but he lives in this time period and he writes me on occasion so I get his letters even though I'm mu ch older than he is now."
"What does Julip say?"
"He says my wife is nosy and should keep her big nose out of my letters."
He giggled when she slapped his arm.
"He's doing well. He has a family and a job as a spice miner. He's just telling me about that," the Doctor said.
"Spice? What kind of spice?"
He grinned.
"A very special spice that causes you to hallucinate and fantasize."
"You mean like LSD?"
"If you like."
He laughed at her wide eyes.
"Your friend mines LSD?" she said.
"Well, it's not quite as potent as LSD. There's no danger of "bad trips" as they say, but yes, he works in the LSD mines."
"Wow," Rain said while he laughed harder. "Your friend has an interesting job. So I assume they have to wear protection so they don't breathe the LSD in while they mine it?"
"You assume correctly," he said to her.
She glanced at the other pieces of mail in his hands.
"What else do you have?" she said.
"Oi, you're just a nosy little woman, aren't ya?"
She put her chin on his shoulder and gave him a puppy dog look.
"And that's supposed to affect me in some way?" he said while she slapped his arm. "Oh alright, I have a few advertisements along with my letter."
Rain frowned.
"You get junk mail?" she said.
"Well, I have a mailing address. I suppose eventually others besides my friends will find out about it and start sending me unwanted mail."
He handed her the junk mail.
"Here you go, have fun," he said.
Rain leaned up against the wall beside him while he went back to his letter. She looked at a white brochure made of heavy plastic. There was nothing on the front of the brochure except the words OPEN NOW FOR AN EXCITING OFFER in big blue letters. Curious, Rain opened the card and stared at a small speaker, the only thing inside the blank card.
"HELLO THERE!"
Rain gasped and the Doctor laughed when a cheery male voice boomed out of the speaker.
"ARE YOU GETTING OLD AND LOOKING OLD BEYOND YOUR YEARS?" the cheery male voice yelled at her. "THEN WHY NOT TRY THE NEWEST SENSATION FROM BUNSEN LABS? THE MOGROPHIZER! YES, THE MOGROPHIZER IS GUARANTEED TO REJUVENATE YOU AND TAKE YEARS OFF YOUR BODY AND FACE."
By now the rest of the family had come up to her.
"What the hell is this?" Donna said.
"It's an advertisement for Mogrophizer, I imagine," Alan said.
"WOULD YOU, MISTER…"
The cheery voice turned robotic.
"DOC-TOR," the voice said sounding like a Dalek.
It instantly went back to the cheery voice.
"…LIKE TO TRY A FREE SAMPLE OF MOGROPHIZER, THE REVOLUTIONARY SKIN CARE SYSTEM?"
"God, that's annoying," Rain said to the Doctor.
"Yes, it is, Latara, extremely annoying," the Doctor said while they laughed.
"I SAID, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY A FREE SAMPLE OF MOGROPHIZER, THE REVOLUTIONARY SKIN CARE SYSTEM?" the voice said when she didn't do anything.
Rain looked at her husband.
"How do I say no?" she said to him.
The Doctor leaned over and put his lips against the speaker.
"NO!" he said loudly.
He leaned back up.
There was a short pause.
"YOU HAVE SELECTED THE OPTION NO. WELL…SCREW YOU, YOU IDIOT!"
They laughed when Rain gave the speaker a shocked look.
"I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW IDIOTIC YOU ARE, YOU STUPID DOFFMOFF!" the voice said angrily. "WE ARE OFFERING YOU A FREE SAMPLE OF MORGROPHIZER, THE REVOLUTIONARY SKIN CARE SYSTEM AND YOU DON'T WANT IT? WELL, YOU CAN JUST BURN IN BALHALA FOR THAT, MISTER…"
"DOC-TOR," the Dalek voice said.
"MISTER…"
"DOC-TOR…"
"IS A COMPLETE IDIOT WHO DOESN'T KNOW A FANTASTIC DEAL WHEN HE SEES IT. IN FACT, HE WOULDN'T KNOW A BARGAIN IF IT BIT HIM IN THE BUM. HE SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF HIMSELF, FOR SHAME, MISTER…"
"DOC-TOR."
"Love, how do you turn this thing off?" Rain asked while they laughed.
She glanced around at the other people in the post office who were now staring at her and chuckling.
"MISTER…DOC-TOR…IS AN IMPOTENT BASTARD WHO WILL NEVER HAVE CHILDREN!"
"Yup, you're right, I am," the Doctor said, shrugging.
"MISTER…DOC-TOR…WILL GROW OLD AND WRINKLY AND ROT AWAY BECAUSE HE HAS TURNED HIS BACK ON THIS FABULOUS OFFER AND SPIT ON THE MOGROPHIZER, THE REVOLUTIONARY SKIN CARE SYSTEM!"
"Love, how do you turn it off?" Rain said while her family laughed harder.
She closed the brochure and held it shut.
"MISTER…DOC-TOR," the muffled voice continued. "IS A CHILD MURDERER WHO LIKES TO LICK THE BUTTS OF ZARAX AND ALL BECAUSE HE HAS DECLINED THE FREE SAMPLE OF MOGROPHIZER, THE REVOLUTIONARY SKIN CARE SYSTEM!"
"Stop!" Rain screamed at it while the others bent over laughing. "God, I don't care about the Mogrophizer anymore!"
"You know, this kinda reminds me of the howler letters in Harry Potter," Awinita said.
"BURN FOREVER MISTER…DOC-TOR…BURN FOREVER IN FIREY FLAMES OF DAMNATION AND TORMENT FOR NOT USING MOGROPHIZER, THE REVOLUTIONARY SKIN CARE SYSTEM. SOMEONE ELSE WILL BE LUCKY ENOUGH TO GET THE FREE SAMPLE, BUT IT WON'T BE YOU!"
The brochure fell silent while the Doctor giggled. Rain stared at it but mercifully the voice said no more. She looked at her husband with wide eyes.
"There is no way to stop it except letting it run its course," the Doctor said. "That's why I didn't say anything when you asked me how to stop it."
"Well, I'm not opening the other junk mail then," she said as the Doctor and Alan laughed. "Jesus, and I though the junk mail in my time was annoying. At least it didn't scream abuse at you if you didn't want their product."
She started towards a trash can.
"Nope, wait, Latara," he said, stopping her and grabbing the junk mail out of her hand, "that's how people find your mailing address. They search through the rubbish bins for things like this. I'll throw it away on the TARDIS."
She nodded and took his hand.
"So, after that bit of excitement, are we done here?" the Doctor said.
They nodded and the Doctor gestured for them to leave. Alan walked back to his brother.
"She did it. She got the leg lamp DVD," he said smiling.
"She did? Good girl," the Doctor said as they walked out the door. "We'll have to schedule another cinema party very, very soon then."