(My Young Frankenstein tribute joke is in here. See if you can spot it.)
Chapter 32
The Gift-Giver
"Are you sure, Majesty?" Gilbert asked again, running a hand through his silvery-hair. "I mean he could be an assassin! I haven't ruled that out! And that hair curl..." Gilbert's eyes twitched as he said that last word.
"Enough about the hair curl!" Matthew mumbled, crossing his arms. He sat a table beside the bed now fully dressed in a powder-blue coat with gold buttons that each had a maple leaf insignia engraved on the front. He had at least talked the Captain of the Guard into letting him out of bed. The man was far too paranoid. It made Matthew wonder who was in charge sometimes. "I'm sure it's just a different strand of hair that's curling up."
"No, it's not!" Gilbert insisted. Matthew restrained the urge to roll his eyes. "It moves I tell you! It moves! It's a devil's strand!" The Prussian paced again back and forth in the room.
"Enough Gilbert, you said you're positive he's the Norwegian Lord..."
"He has his seal," Gilbert agreed. "But that hair curl!"
"Stop with the maple hair curl!" Matthew said, slamming a fist down on the table. He squeaked, rubbing his fist. That hurt. Gilbert had become borderline obsessed with what he insisted what's the Norwegian Lord's moving "hair curl". Matthew thought Gilbert was being ridiculous.
"You watch it! You'll see!" Gilbert said, pointing at his temple. "It moves! I swear it's mocking me," He said, looking around furtively.
Oh brother, now who's losing it. "The Lord has waited long enough. Send him in."
"But Majesty, are you sure you're well. you only recently felt yourself again," Gilbert argued, but Matthew drummed his fingers on the table, leveling his gaze on the Prussian. "But that curl!"
Matthew groaned and threw up his hands. Gilbert had filled him well on what happened two days ago.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::~Two Days Earlier~ ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
"I am the Lord of Norway."
Gilbert snorted, laughing, "And I'm the King of Spain."
"Really, what brought you here?" Lukas Bondvik inquired.
Gilbert frowned, muttering, "I was being sarcastic. Never mind. If you are who you who you say you are, what are you doing traveling alone through a blizzard?"
"Alone?" Lukas said, quirking an eyebrow, he gestured around him. "I am not alone. My friends are with me."
He's insane. "Erm...," Gilbert exchanged a baffled expression with the guard Hemsley who was slowly reaching for the hilt of his blade. "I see no one."
"Just because you cannot see them does not mean they are not here," Lukas countered. "They are my escort."
"Riiight," Gilbert said, starting to gesture for the open doors behind Lukas. "Well, I don't think we can help you here. My men will show you to somewhere where they'll help you." Like an insane asylum.
Hemsley cried out and dropped his sword to the floor, clutching his hand in pain. "Something bit me, sir," He told Gilbert, looking anxiously at his sword.
Lukas sighed and in a scolding tone said something to nothing but air on his left in what Gilbert assumed what Norwegian, before turning back to Gilbert, "My apologies for that. My friends' get aggressive in their defense of me."
Gilbert just stared. Hemsley reluctantly tried to pick up his sword again, but yelped again and Lukas scolded again what looked empty space on his left. "They can be stubborn," Lukas apologized. "If he doesn't raise his sword to me, they'll stop."
"Who will stop?"
"My friends," Lukas replied. Behind him two servants appeared and after a nod from Gilbert began to close the oak doors, cutting off the icy wind that was blowing inside. A moment later the door was shut and the only light came from the torchlight to the sides and the tiny windows above. "My apologies for not introducing him," Lukas said, his face remaining impassive as he held up a hand to his left. "This is my troll. I would tell you his name, but those not familiar with the tongue of my land would have a difficult time pronouncing it and he gets so easily offended if they say it wrong. So for this reason you may call him troll. My other two," Lukas nodded above his head and to his right shoulder, "Are my isse and my fairy friend."
"Uh-huh," Gilbert said, his hand itching to draw his blade. "Trolls, fairies, and Itch-."
"Isse," Lukas corrected, "Rather lovely creatures though they are not so loved by the English. The English love their magical creatures to be cute and lovely. Never understood that. I, myself, prefer the company of goblins, trolls, ogres, and that lot. They have more personality. It's not their fault if they aren't pretty. Do you not think so?"
"Meh," Gilbert managed. He was a heartbeat from calling this man a lunatic.
"Ah, you still do not believe me," Lukas noted, reaching behind himself to pull something about from under his cloth. A scarlet cloth that he unfolded revealing a silver seal with a Nordic Cross engraved on the front inlaid by tiny writing. Gilbert gasped, taking a step forward. "The seal of the King of Norway."
"How did you...?"
"I am no thief," Lukas said, "And I did send an official letter, but I fear it was lost in the snows. "Examine it to your hearts content. You will find it is as genuine as my claim."
"All right," Gilbert said, folding his arms, "Say I believe you, my Lord. What brings you here through such difficult weather so far from your lands?"
"Gifts," Lukas answered, "Ones of both word and items that I must bring for the Canadian Lord alone. For our world is quite troubled."
"Well, I'm sorry to say that his lordship is unwell. You may have wasted a trip."
"He will be better tomorrow," Lukas replied airily, gazing about the room as if it were more far more interesting than Gilbert or his guard. Not awesome.
"And how would you know that?"
"I have friends on the other side," Lukas responded dreamily. "And it is vital that we meet."
"More of these friends that no one can see?" Gilbert asked skeptically.
"People with open minds can see. But yours is a closed book. I doubt you even see the spirits of this castle. A pity that, since they are so kind," Lukas said, dropping his gaze to the floor.
"Spirits?" Gilbert groaned, trying not to roll his eyes. "There are no such things." Now that he thought about it, he had heard rumors of the Norwegian Lord being something of an eccentric recluse. Gilbert frowned, leaning forward he studied Lukas closer, asking, "Say, was your hair curl on the right side before?"
"What curl?" Lukas said, tilting his head.
"N-never mind," Gilbert said, shaking his head. I must have seen it wrong. The curl was on the left just above the man's ear. Gilbert would have to be careful though. If this was the Norwegian Lord than it was also the man rumored to have attempted to strangle Denmark's Lord once.
"You know I am rather fond of poltergeists," Lukas mused.
"Huh?" Gilbert gaped, confused by the sudden topic shift.
"I used to have this one who made the walls bleed. Scared the maids silly, but I thought he was really dear," Lukas continued, a small smile playing at the corners of his mouth. "And werewolves, what fun! They are really misunderstood. They are like," He paused, ruminating, "Giant puppies with razor-sharp teeth. Just do not let them bite you and all is well."
"Uh-huh," Gilbert said, "How about we show you to your room." He nodded for Hemsley to get it ready and the guard took off, probably glad to be away from this madman.
"That would be lovely, can we have an extra small bed for my troll friend. Normally I would share but he has taken to kicking me in his sleep at night."
"Whatever you want," Gilbert said as they went down a side hall.
"I must tell of chimeras," Lukas said. Please don't, but the Lord did anyway, "I think they are so much more enjoyable than unicorns. They let you touch them after all. None of this purity business. I could go on and on about the joys of wyverns over dragons. Not that they're are many dragons left in this part of the world. Not many left of anything these days. Still I have always held a fascination for gargoyles over elves, dwarves over gnomes. I could go on..."
Gilbert groaned, glancing back, he halted in his tracks.
"Something wrong?" Lukas inquired. Gilbert leaned forward, it was a little dark to be sure, but he could almost swear.
"Is that hair curl behind your ear now?" He asked.
"What curl?"
"No offense my Lord, but please tell me your are joking."
"Oh, you want a joke," Lukas said softly, giving a small nod. "Very well. A troll, an ogre, and a behemoth walked into a tavern..."
Gilbert threw up his hands and continued striding. It would be a long day.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::~The Present~::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Gilbert stood guard at the door behind Lukas who sat in a chair facing Matthew. The Norwegian had seated himself rather primly and said nothing. Awkward. Matthew coughed and asked, "So...um... how are your accommodations, eh?"
"Lovely, though I must apologize," Lukas said, taking on a sad tone. "I fear my isse may have upset your banshee."
"Banshee?" Matthew said, starting to chuckled, but he stopped realizing Lukas wasn't joking. "We don't have a banshee or any specter here."
"Oh, but you do," Lukas replied, "They are just the very quiet kind. The banshee sometimes visits from the depths of the castle. She and that grumpy ghost. The castle has old bones that go way back."
Matthew caught sight of Gilbert pointing at Lukas with one hand and using his other forefinger to spin in a circle around his temple in the gesture of, He's nuts! Matthew shot him a warning glare, his lips tightening.
"Something the matter?" Lukas asked, looking over his shoulder at Gilbert who had gone back to attention.
"N-nothing," Matthew said, picking up his tea cup and taking a sip. Just the right of maple added to give it a good blend of sweetness. "Please have some tea." He only looked away for a moment when there was a loud sneeze. He glanced at Gilbert who shrugged and then at Lukas who was looking at nothing but air on his right.
"Bless you," Lukas said.
"I didn't sneeze."
"I know, my fairy did. She has a caught a small cold I'm afraid. Poor thing," Lukas said and Matthew just looked from side to side and set his cups down.
"I-I see," Matthew said. He threw another warning look at Gilbert who was doing more gestures at the Lord's backs. Stop that! Matthew tried to say with his eyes without Lukas noticing.
"W-what brings you here, my Lord?" Matthew asked.
"Gifts," Lukas said, reaching behind him to place a brown cloth bundle on his lap. He reached into it and pulled out a medium-sized wooden box. "I hope you liked them."
"Y-you brought me gifts?" Matthew said, feeling sincerely delighted. Nobody had ever remembered him long enough to do such things. "You shouldn't ha...," He trailed off, his smile becoming plastered on as Lukas opened the box and revealed the contents. Maple. He didn't know what it was and he was positive he didn't want to. It was a shriveled brown sac the size of his fist with twine tied at the top.
"Do you like it?" Lukas inquired eagerly, handing the box to Matthew who desperately tried to mask his horror. "My friends were sure you would. It gives protection from dark magic creatures."
"I-It does?"
"Yes, in the magical kingdom there is not better protection than dried ogre testicles," Lukas chirped. Matthew's face froze and out of the corner of his eye he saw Gilbert clap a hand over his mouth to keep from laughing as his other hand clutched at his stomach. "The testicles have a very pronounced odor and since most things fear ogres, they will all avoid you."
"Oh, h-how nice," Matthew managed, snapping the box shut he placed it on the table. "W-why thank you for the thoughtful gift." Meanwhile Gilbert's face was turning red from his effort not to laugh. Keep it up Gilbert and I'll give you a reason to suffocate.
"Make sure you keep under you bed at night. That way the bad creatures will leave you be," Lukas said, nodding.
Maple no. "O-of course," He said, forcing himself to be polite. Gilbert was now close to collapsing from holding it in. He was biting his thumb and beads of sweat were on his brow. You jerk!
"I brought more," Lukas added, pulling out a small black-painted box. Matthew swallowed, but relaxed to see it was a leather necklace with a tiny stoppered crystal vial on the end. "I know this isn't much, but if you never need a quick boost of energy, drink this. May I?" The Lord asked, partially standing up and Matthew smiled and bowed his head, allowing the Lord slip it over his head.
"It's quite pretty," Matthew commented, letting the white liquid in the vial moved as he tilted it. "Is this some kind of milk?"
"You are very close, my Lord," Lukas beamed, "It is actually wyvern sperm!" Matthew dropped the vial and almost gagged. A snort of laughter escaped Gilbert and Lukas glanced over his shoulder questioningly. Matthew narrowed his eyes, but was all smiles when Lukas came back to facing him. "They say if you drink it you'll be fantastic in bed." Matthew blushed fiercely, heat radiating through him.
More laughter burst out of Gilbert and Lukas looked at him again. "My apologies," Gilbert said, clutching at his stomach, red-faced from trying to hold it in. Tears were streaming down his cheeks, "I ate something that didn't agree with me."
"Are you all right? Do you need to rest?" Lukas inquired.
"I'm fine," Gilbert managed, wiping away the tears as he bit his lip to mask his barely contained grin. "Merely tears of joy at your gifts." He looked away another giggle bubbling out. You are so dead after this Gilbert. Matthew gritted his teeth.
Lukas nodded and turned back, saying, "I have one more gift. A late Christmas present." No more. Please.
"Y-you shouldn't have." You really shouldn't have.
Matthew's hands trembled as he accepted the small box and opened it to find a large tooth. "A Dragon's tooth. Very rare," Lukas explained, "It can start a fire with anything. Merely scratch something with it and even wet tinder will burn."
"That actually sounds very useful."
Lukas stood up, folding up the cloth, "Now if you will excuse me. I will leave you to rest."
"But I thou-."
"Tomorrow. We will talk again tomorrow," Lukas said, bowing, he saw himself out. When he was out of ear range, Gilbert shut the door and collapsed in a fit of laughter on the floor, he practically rolled around, pointing at Matthew who stared at him with narrowed eyes.
"Forgive my language, but that was fucking hilarious!" Gilbert giggled, pounding a fist on the floor as he peeled with laughter.
"Keep laughing, Gilbert, and you'll be wearing this testicle." That stopped Gilbert cold.
"You wouldn't, your Majesty," Gilbert said, scrambling to his feet.
"Try me and I'll make it a new policy. That this," He said, waving at the box, "Is standard issue for the Captain of the Guard to wear."
Gilbert gasped, "But Majesty, your gift will look so puny next to my five meters!" And then he was laughing again and pounding at the wall. "Get it? Did you get it? My five meters?" He pointed at his crotch for emphasis.
Matthew just glared at the ceiling. Some days I wonder about him. One thing he knew for sure, when he was better. They were playing hockey.
End of Chapter 32. More Alfred and Ivan stuff. Chapter 33: Moscow
AN
Okay there are about 17 more chapters to Part Two and then it's finally over. Part Two has its own little mini-finale.
About the smut... I push own personal boundary's here at . My own real writing is far, far cleaner. I'd die of embarrassment of my real name were attached to this.
Since I experiment a lot I think some of my smut is really hot, some silly, and some just plain gross. I am curious though if some find it too much. I can tone it down a lot of people would rather see less of it.
This started out a smut piece, but it gained a plot. I consider this more an erotica now than a smut.
Smut - pure sex, almost no plot.
Erotica - lots of sex, but a plot.
Kushiel's Chosen would be a prime example of Erotica.
This site is really where I push scenes and see if they work or don't work. For example, *reviewers burst out laughing*... hmmm... that smut scene didn't work.
*reviewer drooling* ... smut scene worked.
Decisions, decisions, but I hope you're enjoying this erotica.