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Driving Lessons Chapter 25 - "Said the Joker to the Thief"
Apologies to Bob Dylan…
Warnings: Most of this chapter is in Prussia's own words..
Ministry of Defence Building, Whitehall, London
England, America, France, Russia, Scotland, Germany and Italy (his eyes closed), Hungary and Austria (who was still raving about being called ma'am) all watched the TV screen in horror.
A BBC journalist was interviewing the 'two heroes' who had apparently 'saved' the world.
Barely recognisable, covered head to toe in chocolate gloop, their hair stood on end, both brandishing large spoons, Prussia and Denmark jostled for position in front of the cameras.
"It was us! We ate it!" Denmark yelled.
Prussia nudged him. "We're available for I'm a Celebrity Get Me out of here and Big Brother!"
"And that X Factor!"
"Yeah! But Simon Cowell can stuff it. He'll rue the day he got us thrown off that stage!"
The BBC journalist attempted to gain some control, "Can you tell me how you defeated the cake?"
"Listen darling…" (the journalist was a man) "…We're brave and I'm the King of Northern Europe so…" Denmark said.
The journalist ignored him and turned to Prussia.
Prussia nodded, "No reason to get excited," he said and added, "Is this camera on?" He then turned to the camera, his face all but pressed up against it until all the Nations watching on the TV screen could see were his red eyes, "Right, I will tell you the full story…" he said. And he did….
Me and Den were sat in Den's Embassy waiting for some calls to come through. We're self-employed and we'd put some notices up saying we would mend stuff for people. But nobody rang! Can you believe it? Anyway, Dude Den and me were drinking. It was only 8 am, yeah I know but he's a Viking and I'm a Prussian. Not German. Make a note of that.
This dude Danish guy came up and told us we were making the place look untidy. I resented that. I know we were in the reception bit where dudes come in for visas and stuff. Oh yeah and this Danish guy told Den to put a shirt on!
He was the Danish Ambassador. What an idiot. I told him who I was. But he wasn't interested.
And then someone told us we either get out or do some work. That was a shock.
Den and me have had jobs before. We used to run a cab but then we lost our car. That makes it a bit difficult to pick people up and take them to the airport or some rubbish. We did try but giving people piggy-backs didn't work. And what do you do with people's luggage? That guy in the suit wasn't happy when we dumped his suitcase in the Thames.
Anyway, we said we'd have a go at actually having a job. Each. It was better than being back on the streets or sleeping in that luggage locker in Kings Cross station. We had to take it in turns to sleep there. I got stuck in there for four hours once. Believe me, living in a storage locker is not fun.
Anyway, half an hour as a filing clerk and Den managed to set an office on fire and break two windows. I broke one of those swivel chairs and a photocopier. One woman had to be rescued from a storage cupboard and the Danish Consulate's dog is still on the roof. I have no idea why it went feral.
And it was only 9 am. I had the bright idea of going to see my brother to get some money. I knew he was in London. He stays at the German Embassy but sometimes he stays with this little dozy Italian dude. I want to say they're gay for each other but I'm not sure…
Anyway, I went over to the German Embassy and they wouldn't let me in. I told them who I was and that made the security guards a bit mad and they threw us out.
Even Den couldn't persuade them. In fact when he told them who he was, they threatened to call the police.
That wasn't good.
The Danish dudes had already called the police on us.
So we skipped along to the Hungarian Embassy. Well not skipped. We don't skip. Well yeah we did a bit. But sometimes it's fun and it's quicker and more economical than walking and it's in-between walking and running. Not that we were running from the security dudes. We were skipping. So in a way it's very Prussian to skip.
Anyway, I've a dude friend at the Hungarian Embassy. When I say a dude, I mean a dude chick. Let's call this friend 'Liz'. Why? Cos that's her name.
Anyway, dude chick Liz told me I could come in but dude Den couldn't. She likes me but doesn't like him. I have no idea why. He had to sit outside. He chatted to the security guards outside and asked them why they wore such mad hats.
I don't know why he asked that. They weren't wearing hats. But that's Den for you. He's philosophical like that and likes to ask deep questions.
Liz said he was drunk. But I know differently.
She also refused to lend me money.
That was a blow. Mainly because I had the sum total of four Euros on me. And I knew Den had far less.
Her idiot husband who I won't even name here, cos he'll sue me but let's just call him 'Mr Meanie' or 'Specs' or even 'Roderich' also said I couldn't borrow any money. He actually told me I was a complete joker. That was unfair I thought as it's been a while since I'd sent those brochures for incontinence aids to his address. I use my time wisely.
He doesn't like me. He never has. But I remember when he was just a jumped-up Count dressed in shabby clothes… oh wait he still is. He isn't a Count though really. He's about as aristocratic as I am. His mum owned a bar and ran a poker ring on the side.
(In the Whitehall building, Austria almost fainted in shock.)
Anyway, Liz told me to get a job. She's clearly demented. I blame all that Mozart she's been subjected to.
I told her we'd had a job but lost our car. She said we should get another mode of transport then.
Then she told me to leave. Well actually her security guards helped me to leave. Hungarians are a bit rowdy. Her idiot husband laughed. He's going to be getting some emails about erectile dysfunction pretty soon. His email address is: . Make a note of that if any Nigerian prince wants to send him money…
Right, yeah okay, I'm getting to the story.
As I was leaving I saw their telly was showing some breaking news rubbish about some cake taking over London or something. It was oozing out of a house. I recognised the house. You can't not know that house. With the bloody begonias, the gate that says 'welcome' on it, but you know damn fine it means 'not bloody you, bloody foreigners'.
(England yelled "it's not true!" at the screen whilst France murmured sadly, "Eet eez true, mon ami".)
It was glorious. Arthur's baking is legendary. I've never partaken of it myself. But I've heard he could kill a German regiment with just one scone.
There was a whole cake oozing out of the house.
I made my exit of Liz's house and met up with Den.
Now some people would say we stole that horse. I disagree. Zsa Zsa Gabor came along with us quite willingly. I suppose it's just that Liz didn't know she followed us.
Kind of.
I gave her sugar lumps and she liked me, the horse that is, not Liz. But Zsa Zsa Gabor didn't like Den. In fact she bit him on the arse.
There was also a dude dragon. But we won't talk about him. Why? Cos he's invisible. Now the dragon liked Den but didn't like me.
I told Den about the cake and that we now had transport and we could now do our taxi-cabbing.
Den said we should go save the world from the cake and that we might get a reward.
Now I have to admit I was torn. On the one hand we could pick people up (me on Zsa Zsa Gabor and Den on the dragon) and deposit them at the airport. Even if they didn't want to go to the airport. Heathrow airport was the only place we could get on Google maps. And there was only my phone that could get Google maps. Mainly because Den doesn't have a phone. He lost it when a big Russian dude rammed it in someone's skull. But that's a story for another day. My phone is fairly rubbish. It doesn't have a back. Or any buttons. There's a big piece of bubblegum stuck to the speaker so I can't hear phone calls.
I tried to get Roderich to buy me a new one with all his savings. But he doesn't like me. He's so mean he once fought an old woman over a cut price tin of baked beans in the grocery store. He lost. His grandma would be appalled. She fought cows for money. His grandad was a milkmaid. It's no wonder Roderich is the way he is.
(Austria fainted clean away from the shock. The other Nations stared at him.)
We rode to Kirkland's house. I was on Zsa Zsa Gabor and Den rode the dragon. The dragon doesn't like me. We have history. I think he thinks I'm one of those hobbit dudes or something who stole something off him. He was burgled a few thousand years ago. It wasn't me. I don't know if he claimed off insurance.
Anyway we got to Kirkland's house and there was a bloody huge cake there. It was great. It was also glowing and green. Dude Den got there without going into any pubs. That amazed me. But he said that none of them allowed dragons. Even invisible dragons.
So Den was sobering up. That wasn't good.
Another thing that wasn't good was that annoying kid, Peter Kirkland who everyone was calling 'Admiral'. I've never heard anything so ridiculous. Not since Roderich tried to fight me back in the War of the Austrian Succession. I mean what made him think he could beat me? Me, the great Awesomest soldier who ever lived? Against that idiot who gets his wife to fight for him.
Admiral Kirkland told me he was there because the cake was his and he and idiot Arthur had baked it to take over the world. I laughed at him and he kicked me in the knee. Den laughed at me and then he got kicked as well. Den told the kid that he would get grounded for that. But this Admiral with height problems told us he was going to rule the world. I told him to beat it. He said he would only go if we gave him some territory.
I said he could have Schleswig-Holstein but because he's a typical Brit he couldn't pronounce it which I had banked on anyway. But Den then said he could have Greenland. This is absolute rubbish of course because Greenland is a hard chick dude and would kick little Peter's short arse.
Anyway the little shit said that he had loads of territory and with the help of the cake he was going to take over the world and then he laughed like this:
"Bwahahaha!"
Well that wasn't very cool and I told him to laugh like this:
"Kesesese!"
But then somebody said that the hour was getting late and to stop wasting time.
It might have been Den.
And then we knew what we had to do.
Especially when Mr Ping did his fire-breathing act and baked some of the cake. But not too much, we didn't want it burnt.
Den hurried into Arthur's house and got some big spoons. He also messed up the flower arrangements and Arthur's cutlery drawer. Yes, that'll show him.
(In the Ministry of Defence Building, England seethed.)
Anyway, the cake was a bit… I want to say gooey but I don't think that's a very Prussian word. So I will call it inedible.
But Den can pretty much eat anything. He lives with Tino and Berwald and Berwald often makes some kind of smorgasbord which I think is some kind of smorg that's been killed and put on a board. But don't quote me on that. But even Den was not happy as we started eating. We knew we had to save the Earth and also to stop Peter Kirkland from taking over the world. That must not happen.
Nothing could be as bad, even Fat Ivan taking over wouldn't be as bad as that, or even Roderich actually winning the lottery. Now that would be awful… Roderich lives in a cave. Is this camera still on?
Oh right, yes, back to the story.
Anyway, Den ran back into Arthur's house and made some custard. We thought custard would make the cake more eatable. Is that a word? More edible. Ja. Anyway, it did. Kind of.
Short-arse Kirkland, that is, Admiral Peter Kirkland who everyone kept calling 'Sir', kept telling us off. He said we were ruining his cunning plan for taking over the world.
And we did.
There was silence as the BBC journalist and the cameraman looked shaken. The camera panned away to the surrounding scene. The cake was now just a puddle of green/brown gloop covering the street where people in Hazmat suits were covering it in the kind of foam used in chemical spills.
'Admiral' Kirkland was being taken away and told he was 'grounded for the next month'. Whilst Zsa Zsa Gabor nuzzled Prussia, Den was waving to something invisible to the humans.
"Bye Mr Ping! I'll miss you!" Den shouted. "Come visit me in Copenhagen!"
"You don't live in Copenhagen, you live in London with me," Prussia said.
"I know…"
"Yes Zsa Zsa, I'll take you back to Liz's later. Just promise me you won't bite Den on the arse again." Prussia said.
Special Branch Officers stepped in and loaded the two 'heroes' into a van where they would be disinfected.
Back at the Department of Defence, the Nations stood speechless. Scotland handed England another cup of tea and put a shot of whisky into it for good measure.
"It's all lies!" Austria finally spluttered, breaking the silence.
"Dude! I was supposed to be the hero!" America yelled and flung himself down.
"My horse!" Hungary exclaimed.
"We survived! I'm so happy!" Italy cried and jumped into Germany's arms. Germany promptly dropped him.
"They messed with my cutlery drawer!" England said.
"That was an act of war!" Russia told England. "I will destroy them for you!"
"Back to Arthur's for a post-Apocalypse Party!" France announced.
And much to England's horror they all yelled "Yes!" and headed out of the door.