The Gluten Glutton
Rick Spartan was watching the Francilee Jackson cooking show.
"Well, howdy, y'all. It is such a pleasure cooking in front of a live studio audience here in beautiful Crystal Cove. Today we'll be cookin' up a batch of goodness I call Francilee Jackson's double-dip bacon and butter-breaded croissant snack. Mmm mmm."
"Now, a lot of you folks at home been askin' if I worry about my recipes aren't the healthiest. All I got to say is, I ain't no doctor, y'all."
There was the sound of canned laughter.
"While that's simmerin', we'll start prepping my dessert. I call it FranciLee Jackson's bacon bread pie..."
A cloud of green smoke began to rise from the pot.
"Oh! Oh! Oh! Now, don't worry, y'all. If this happens at home, just throw in another bacon butter."
The towering cloud of smoke parted, revealing a gigantic red demon.
"No. No! Get back! Aah!"
The demon opened its mouth wide and swallowed Francilee whole. Then it threw the counter at the television camera, shutting it off.
"Danger, Cachinga," said Spartan. "Ready your spear. This is a job for Rick Spartan, academic of adventure."
"Oh, joy. A road trip," said Cachinga sarcastically as he sipped his ice-cream sundae.
In the living room of the Roger's mansion the two mystery gangs were trying to comfort Shaggy's counterpart, Norville.
"I'm worried about you, honey," said Cassidy Williams, who had become Norville's girlfriend after he helped her escape from killer robots at an underwater base. "You're not eating nearly as much as usual. Only two breakfasts."
"I don't feel good," said Norville. "Scoobert sat up in his hospital bed and spoke. He said 'Nibiru. Nibiru is coming' and then he went back into a coma."
"It's definitely something," said Fred. "He never clearly pronounces a word that doesn't start with an 'R'."
"And the more I research this Nibiru, the less I think I know," said Velma. "I borrowed this book from my mother, hoping it would help."
"Supernatural Curses and the Extra-dimensional Forces Behind Them," read Shaggy from the cover.
"You think maybe Scoobert's cursed?" asked Anne, the other Daphne.
"This whole town is cursed," said Velma. "We got used to crazy criminals pretending to be monsters all the time. But things are different. This I can't explain."
They discussed the cursed treasure, and how the Planespheric disk kept leaning them to strange artifacts, labeled in Spanish as keys. So far they had an old flintlock and a conquistador's helmet, but no idea how to use them.
"Gang, for the first time in our history as mystery-solvers, we have to consider that something truly supernatural is happening here," said Velma.
"That's what I've been trying to tell you," said Dace, the other Velma. "Our gang has, on rare occasions, come across truly supernatural things, like real witches and zombies. You doubted me."
"I admit it: you were right," said Velma.
"Zoinks!" said Shaggy. "Well, you know what I say? When things get scary, the scared get pizza. And when things get extra scary, we get extra-deep dish. Right, Scooby-Doo?"
"Scooby-Dooby delicious!" said Scooby.
Norville sighed. "I miss my own dog. But pizza always helps."
They all drove in the local version of the Mystery Machine to Plan P-izza from Outer Space.
On the way, Daphne said, "You know, Fred, with everything that's happening, it makes you realize how precious life is. It kind of makes you not want to waste time and just tell certain people how you really feel. Doesn't it? I think I'm ready now. I'd be open to hearing how you feel."
"You mean, like, emotions or something crazy like that?" asked Fred. "Uh, well, right now I guess I feel kind of..."
"Yes?"
"Hungry! I feel hungry!"
Fred parked the car and rushed into the restaurant ahead of the others.
"Hunger is not an emotion, Fred Jones!" said Daphne.
Anne pulled Daphne aside privately. "I've been watching your relationship for a sign that I should open up to Frederick about my feelings. So far, it doesn't look good."
"My Fred is so oblivious," said Daphne. "I think your guy is better about that. If you're not going to do anything, maybe I should try for him."
"Don't you dare! He's mine or nobody's!" said Anne.
They went inside, where the pizzas had just come out.
"Here you go. Two of our 9-layer double deep dish pizzas with everything twice," said the waitress.
As Shaggy, Scooby, and Norville eagerly took slices of the pizza, a jeep crashed in through the front window of the restaurant.
"No way! It's Dr. Rick Spartan," said Fred. "He's an academic of adventure."
"You have an adventuring hero, too?" asked Frederick. "Is he anything like Melbourne O'Reilly?"
"Who's that?" asked Fred.
"Tell you later," said Frederick.
Spartan started grabbing up the food from the tables and throwing it outside.
"Cachinga! We've got to get rid of the food! We've got to get rid of all of the food!" Spartan shouted.
"Ohh! What is he doing? Why is he throwing all the food out the window?" asked Shaggy.
"Who cares? Whatever Dr. Spartan is doing, he probably has a great reason for doing it," said Fred.
"Maybe not," said Frederick. "Heroes can do bad things. Melbourne O'Reilly was once hypnotized into playing a mummy."
"Naah, not Dr. Spartan. I'm gonna get in on this," said Fred.
He ran to help, while the two Shaggys and the one Scooby complained about the loss of the food.
"Sir, if I may be so bold, the demon isn't here," Cachinga said in his very proper British accent.
"No time for talky-talky. Big-time creepy creep on the way," said Spartan.
A huge red demonic creature burst into the building, roaring and looking for food to devour.
"Curses! Too late," said Spartan. "We have to stop it!"
Spartan tried, but the creature seemed to have sumo-wrestler strength. It threw him back into a salad bar, knocking it over.
Before anyone else could stop it, the monster stuffed its face with all the bread and pizza it could find in the place. Then it ran out.
"It ate, like, everything," said Norville.
"What was that thing?" asked Dace.
"That is the gluten demon," said Spartan. If we don't stop it, it'll devour the entire food supply and starve us all, until there's nothing, and no one left alive in Crystal Cove."
Spartan explained that the gluten demon ate bread and starchy foods, things that he and Cachinga avoided. With the help of a scrapbook that Cachinga held open for him, he described the history of the beast and showed sketches of other food-related monsters.
"I vanquished many of them," said Spartan. "Except that olive oil demon. Slippery devil."
He laughed at his own joke.
"But as you can see, I don't have any pictures. My faithful guide and manservant Cachinga here dropped the camera. He can't seem to hold a spear and use modern technology at the same time."
"It's because you were shouting at me to take the picture and I got nervous," said Cachinga.
"I thought you savages were supposed to have an iron will."
"Well, forgive me for being such a disappointment."
"Why didn't you let Marion take the pictures? Where is your wife, anyway?" asked Daphne.
"Marion? Marion's gone," said Spartan.
He told a story of his wife being carried off by giant tsetse flies in Africa. He collapsed against the vehicle, sobbing. "It was horrible. Horrible!"
"Actually, she's fine," Cachinga told them. "She's just staying with her mother in Irvine. They're not getting along."
"Cachinga, no more floppy-flop lip-lips," said Spartan, still sobbing. "Master needs silence. Head place have bad juju. K-k?"
Velma quietly explained to the other gang, "She was so tired of adventuring in wild places that she posed as a headless monster to get him to quit. I thought they were working things out, but if he wanted to take her to Africa..."
Velma's cell phone rang. "It's my mom."
"Mom, what's up?" Velma pulled her head back as a familiar hideous growl came from the phone.
Realizing that there had been a gluten monster attack at the Crystal Cove Spook Museum, they jumped back in the Mystery Machine and raced to the scene.
They found one of the police deputies hiding in the back of the Broken Spine, the museum's bookstore and coffee shop.
"Sheriff Stone told me to stay here and secure the crime scene," the deputy said. "Apparently some kind of monster wrecked the place and ate all the biscotti, cakes, and cookies."
"And my mom?" asked Velma.
"She's fine," said the deputy. "They took her home. Sheriff had to go down to the rebuilt Bloody Stake restaurant. That crazy monster attacked there, too. Ate everything."
"The beast is feeding" said Spartan. "We have to act fast before it gets too powerful."
"Um, if you don't need me, I'll just go back to hiding," said the deputy.
"I have a special potion that'll stop the gluten demon cold," said Spartan. "Learned it from a shaman up the Yupiyali River. It's a tributary of the Amazon."
"I think we all know where the Yupiyali River is, Dr. Spartan," said Dace.
"Like, I didn't," said Shaggy.
"I can't even say it," said Scooby-Doo. He babbled several mispronunciations: "Yukaka. Yukalalala... Cucamonga"
"Here's the recipe," said Spartan, handing them a piece of paper. "Cachinga will take you to the strange and obscure locations to retrieve all the necessary ingredients."
"This is great! We can go with a three-pronged attack," said Fred. "Cachinga and the girls get the potion. Shaggy and Scooby will eat all the gluten-filled food in town to starve the gluten demon. And Dr. Spartan and I will rig a special trap."
"Count us in," said Scooby.
"Yeah! Again me and Scooby eat everything," said Shaggy.
"Hold on," said Frederick. "We need a four-pronged attack. We can't make a successful trap until we try to solve this as a mystery and look for clues."
"He's right," said Anne. "We tried going straight to a trap once to catch an ice hockey monster, but it doesn't work that way."
"Like, we have to build up our karma by paying our investigation dues," said Norville. "Then we can luck into a capture when the trap fails."
"Where's the first place you heard of the monster attacking?" Dace asked Spartan. "We should start there."
"The Francilee Jackson Show. She was filming before a live studio audience last night when it appeared in a cloud of smoke and attacked," said Spartan.
"Apparently attracted by her unhealthy food preparation," said Cachinga.
"Then that's where we'll go," said Frederick. The Coolsville gang took off.
Cachinga drove Velma and Daphne in the safari vehicle. "Poor old Spartan. He's just so lost without Marion. Without her, his plans have become quite ludicrous. The potion itself is probably useless, but I'd love to investigate the mystery with you girls."
"Mr. Cachinga, now you're talking our language," said Daphne.
"Let's investigate," said Velma.
"I didn't follow all that karma stuff, but the other gang's right that investigation always seems to pay off," said Daphne.
Since the other gang was starting at the Francilee Jackson set, they began at the wrecked Bloody Stake.
Fred Jones and Rick Spartan rigged a giant net trap full of bread and rolls.
Shaggy and Scooby visited Campus Burger (which had thankfully converted back to non-vegan after a massive loss of student business), Let Them Eat Cake, the Bagel Barrel, and every other place in town where they could find mass quantities of baked goods. They ate and ate, getting bigger and bigger as they went.
"Jinkies," said Dace, looking at the floor of the messed-up TV studio. "What's this? They look like receipts from a warehouse."
"And they're all signed AJS," said Anne.
A man called from the darkness. "Are you the insurance adjusters? Did you bring me my check?"
A gray-haired man with thick glasses stepped forward.
"Huh? You own these studios, Mr. ... Albrect J. Schwartz?" asked Frederick, reading his name tag.
"Of course, I own the place. Now give me my million dollars from insurance," said Schwartz. "C'mon."
"We are not from the insurance company," said Cassidy Williams.
"And we were just leaving," said Dace.
They got back into their Mystery Machine and drove away.
"Guys, I think we'd better go check out that warehouse," said Dace. "I have a feeling that's where our next clue is."
"Are you suspicious of Schwartz?" asked Cassidy.
"Like, he's a little too perfect as a suspect," said Norville. "Probably a red herring."
"He has a great motive for attacking his own studio," said Cassidy. "The insurance."
"Yes, but why attack all the other places?" asked Anne. "That's too much work just to lay a false trail."
They arrived at the warehouse and checked inside.
"Is it me, or is it strange that an abandoned warehouse in a forgotten part of town has been filled with baking ingredients?" asked Anne.
"And the shipping manifest and order forms for all this are signed by none other than AJS," said Dace.
"That Schwartz fellow," said Frederick.
They heard a roar as the Gluten Demon charged in. Knowing it was too strong for them, they all climbed up on crates.
Cassidy threw a volley of sharp-edged music discs at the demon, but they bounced from its tough armor-like hide. Then she pulled out a bag of something and threw it into the monster's mouth. It gave a scream and ran away.
"Cassidy, what was in that?" asked Norville.
"When I heard about the monster's eating habits back at the pizza place, I decided to stock up with a bag of healthy food from the salad bar. A nice quinoa salad with cucumbers, a pinch of dill, and sprinkle of garlic in case it was vampire-like."
"That's my girl," said Norville. "Crazy prepared as usual."
"You got it, babe," said Cassidy.
"Dace, you think Cassidy's gluten-free food really drove the demon off?"
"I'm not so sure what's really going on here," said Dace. "But something's bugging me."
"About that TV show?" asked Cassidy, typing a query into her smart phone. "I just checked Fritter, the food chat site. There were plenty of chats about the monster on the show, but no messages from anyone who claimed to have been in the live audience."
"Come on," said Dace. "We have a few things to check before we can put this mystery to bed. Like hospital birth records, food allergies, and that video footage from Francilee's live broadcast."
Fred and Spartan checked over their net trap. Everything looked perfect.
"Now, if that gluten demon wants any bread, he'll have to come to this bakery, right, Dr. Spartan?"
Spartan was at a table, staring at a picture of his wife. "Marion should be here. If only she wasn't in the clutches of that evil Irvine cave troll."
"I thought you said tsetse flies as big as eagles took her," said Fred.
"What?" said Spartan. "I, uh... Never mind all that."
"Let's double-check the trap and..."
The huge Shaggy and Scooby waddled in.
"We're back," said Scooby.
"And have we been busy," said Shaggy with a burp.
Daphne, Velma, and Cachinga came in, followed by the other gang.
"Daphne, it feels like hours since I've seen you," said Fred.
"That's because it has been hours, Fred."
"Well, that would explain it."
"Listen," said Dace. "We found out so much about about the gluten demon..."
But she was interrupted by a roar. The Gluten Demon charged into the net full of food.
"Like, I'm too full to be scared," said Shaggy.
"Yeah. Me, too," said Scooby.
"Now, Dr. Spartan!" said Fred.
They activated the trap and the net lifted the monster into the air. But the net wasn't strong enough. It began to tear under the tremendous weight.
"Huhh! That thing's gotten too big," said Spartan. "The net won't hold!"
With a crash, the net gave way and Fred and Spartan were buried under mounds of baked goods.
"Fred!" cried Daphne.
"Like, that gluten demon just crunched on our friends," said Shaggy. "Ooh, that makes me mad."
"Come... on..." said Scooby, straining to get up.
"Let's...rumble..." said Shaggy.
Cassidy and Norville pushed them to their feet.
"It's fighting time," said Cassidy. "Norville... bad!"
"I'm bad all the time now, remember?" said Norville. "Like Sumo wrestlers and martial artists, away!"
"Like pick on someone your own super-size size," said Shaggy.
There was a terrific fight, with the giant Scooby and Shaggy bouncing their bellies against the monster while Norville and Cassidy kicked and punched. Finally, the creature went down.
"Now let's see who the gluten demon really is," said Fred, pulling off the monster mask.
"Francilee Jackson!" they all exclaimed in chorus.
"Not a big surprise after the work that the Coolsville Mystery gang did," said Dace.
"Hey, Cachinga, Daphne, and I investigated too," said Velma. "You just happened to get all the big clues."
Dace explained that the Francilee show wasn't really taped before a live audience. She had faked a tape, allowing her to create the monster with computer-generated special effects.
"Plus, her stage name is Francilee Jackson, but her birth certificate lists her as Agatha Juniper Schildenheimer," said Dace. "As AJS, she signed those manifests. She rented that secret warehouse. And she has a strange food allergy to all things healthy. Which is why she reacted to Cassidy's salad lunch so insanely. The only thing we don't know is... why."
Francilee/Agatha smirked. "Oh, y'all, it's so simple. I needed a big comeback. After my cornbread recipe was revealed to have no corn in it, I was ruined. Ruined! My only chance was to open my own bakery where I could serve up my new breakout dish, the double bacon mayonnaise butter-stuffed pasta surprise with buttered bread sauce!"
Spartan and Cachinga reacted by making disgusted faces at the sound of this fatty dish.
"Any cook worth their kosher sea salt knows the legend of the gluten demon. I dressed up like that and started destroyin' every restaurant in town so there'd be no competition when I opened mine. And I would have done it, too, been a huge success again, if it weren't for all y'all bread-hatin' health fanatics!"
By this time Sheriff Stone had arrived. "That's it, boys. Let's roll her away."
As they rolled her to a squad car, a ceramic bowl dropped from her costume and rolled to the feet of the gangs.
"My bowl! My precious bowl! No! My bowl! It's mine! Mine!" said Francilee.
"It's ancient by the look of it," said Velma, turning it over. "Tercero llave. It's the third key!"
Fred went over to his hero, who was sitting to the side and looking distressed again.
"Dr. Spartan. Rick. Call Marion. Call your wife and tell her you love her. And if she feels the same way, do everything you gotta do to keep her."
Spartan pulled out his phone and made a call.
Daphne came over to him. "Fred Jones, are you feeling ok?"
"Not yet," said Fred. He took her by the hand. "There. I feel better now."
Daphne smiled. So did Anne, looking on and becoming encouraged to make her own move soon.
"Cachinga! Make ready minivan plenty fast. We go quickie-quick," said Spartan. "Marion's agreed to come home. Now all we have to do is rescue her from her mother."
"Good to see you in such fine spirits, sir," said Cachinga.
The two headed off in the safari jeep.
Shaggy and Scooby couldn't fit into the Mystery Machine, so they decided to work off the food by walking home.
"Don't worry. Like, with your metabolism you'll be back to normal in no time," said Norville.
As the two staggered along, Norville stared back at them from the car. "Having fun, eating together. I am so jealous."
"I know, babe. But your Scoobert will pull through. We just have to be patient," said Cassidy.
"Speaking of patience, I wonder how the evil Mystery Incorporated is reacting to our having the whole Planespheric Disk and finding all these keys," said Fred. "We haven't heard from them since the bee-cows and the rocket launcher attack."
"Don't worry," said Cassidy. "As long as Ricky is in charge, they can't do much worse. He'll keep Pericles in line."
Unknown to her, it was now Pericles keeping Ricky in line, with cobra larvae implanted in his spine.