Chapter 25: Truly Noble
Kurama was unsure which situation bothered him more: watching Yusuke and Kuwabara rearrange the contents of the fruit bowl into an explicit sculpture of both male and female genitalia or watching Hiei push the uneaten food around his plate with a chopstick.
"You should eat up, you'll need your strength," he said to Hiei.
Hiei stopped pushing his food around and lifted his head, looking up at Kurama with large, baleful red eyes. Kurama gave him a tight smile that he hoped looked encouraging before crossing the room to the fruit bowl.
"Please stop," he said as he joined Yusuke and Kuwabara.
"Check it out," Yusuke said, pointing at the particularly detailed arrangement he had just created on one side of the bowl.
"Yes, I see, very funny," Kurama patiently replied. "It looks just like a scrotum."
"A what?" Kuwabara echoed, glancing back and forth between Kurama and the fruit. "It's supposed to look like Mister Takenawa!"
"What?" Yusuke echoed.
"You said it was Mister Takenawa, Urameshi!" Kuwabara replied.
"Yeah, because Mister Takenawa is a dick!" Yusuke shouted back.
Kurama cringed as a family of demons at another table looked over; but as he saw them laugh he remembered that in demon world standards of common courtesy were somewhat lower, and so Yusuke's outburst, rather than be offensive, was in fact quite mild.
"Okay, I think we should go now," Kurama said.
"Has Hime finished fixing his hair?" Yusuke asked, rolling his eyes.
"What are you talking about?" Kurama asked.
"He was in the bathroom playing with his hair for like an hour this morning!" Yusuke groaned.
"The two of you aren't much better," Kurama muttered.
Yusuke and Kuwabara both fell silent, glancing nervously at each other.
"Hey, we're not slobs!" Yusuke eventually managed.
"Yeah, and it's not like you don't still take care of your hair when we're on the road, Kurama!" Kuwabara added.
Kurama nodded and turned towards Hiei again.
"We're leaving, Hiei," he called over.
Hiei dropped his chopsticks and stood up from the table. Yusuke and Kuwabara made a few last adjustments to their fruit-sculptures and then began crossing the restaurant, arguing about something as they went. Kurama followed them slowly, holding back to wait for Hiei: which meant that he witnessed something he could scarcely believe. Hiei walked a few paces away from the table he had been dining at before stopping by the waiter and bowing his head politely.
"Thank you very much Sir, the food was delicious," he said.
Kurama was torn between wondering just how delirious the virus was making Hiei and wondering if Botan's healing magic had worn off and he was starting to contract it himself – since surely he had been hallucinating. Hiei joined him by the restaurant doors and they walked on together in silence, catching up to Yusuke and Kuwabara in the street outside.
It was still dark outside, only the faintest hint of the pending sunrise colouring the distant horizon, but it was important for them to reach spirit world as soon as possible, so they all climbed onto Puu's back and the spirit beast rose up into the dark sky, flying them towards the darkest part of the sky and the nearest portal to living world.
"So what's the plan for when we get to spirit world?" Kuwabara asked.
"We need to find Koenma," Yusuke replied. "He's the only one who really knows how bad it is there, he'll be able to tell us what we need to do and where we need to go to find Fabio."
"Fumio," Kurama corrected him. "And we don't just need to find Koenma for information's sake, we will need his assistance to traverse spirit world too."
"Huh?" Kuwabara echoed.
"Two demons, a possessed human and a warrior human can't just roam freely through spirit world," Kurama replied.
"Why not?" Yusuke asked. "We roam freely through demon world, right? Oh wait, is this because Enma's still pissed off about me being a mazoku?"
"That may also be true, but that wasn't my primary concern, no," Kurama replied. "I meant that spirit world is really only a place for spirits. There are a series of traps to prevent the non-virtuous from travelling to key locations there, including the orchard. Hiei will remember the problems we faced when we broke into the spirit world vault in King Enma's temple."
Kurama turned to Hiei expectantly. Hiei blinked back at him, his face blank.
"But you got through eventually," Yusuke pointed out. "You must have, because you got the three treasures!"
"Only because I was with Hiei and Gouki," Kurama said. "Without Koenma, we will struggle to reach the orchard. None of us are above judgement: but let me say now that any tests we may face would be best completed by myself or Kuwabara."
Yusuke screwed up his face and Kuwabara smiled.
"Why not me or Hiei?" Yusuke demanded.
"Because Hiei's evil and you never follow the rules, Urameshi," Kuwabara replied.
"Bullshit!" Yusuke yelled.
"Actually, in this instance, he is correct," Kurama said quietly. "The traps around spirit world can detect anything untoward, no matter how slight it may be. I will only be able to get us so far, after that I expect that we will be fully reliant on Kuwabara."
Kuwabara grinned and pushed out his chest proudly.
"And even then we are at the mercy of the integrity of Kuwabara's moral character," Kurama said.
Kuwabara's chest deflated and his grin vanished.
"You have good intentions, you mean well and you always strive to do what's right," Kurama told him. "But good intentions are not enough. Not for the sort of tests we will face. We will need Koenma in order to complete our journey."
"So we just find the brat and everything'll be fine," Yusuke said.
Puu passed into living world, soaring over the skies of Sarayashki city. The horizon was starting to glow and long shadows were becoming defined across the streets far below them as dawn finally arrived. Puu kept going, heading in the direction of Genkai's temple but passing through another portal long before he got there, taking the team into the night skies of spirit world.
Everyone fell silent, all looking around themselves apprehensively. It was unlike spirit world to be so devoid of life: the skies were empty of ferry girls, and the usual canary yellow glow above them was still darkened as dawn broke. As they approached the temple they could not help but notice how empty the path below them was – usually it was teeming with life, from frantic ogres to ferry girls escorting souls to the afterlife – but it was eerily silent, the air uncomfortably still. As Puu angled himself down towards the temple doors, the sound of his feathers flipping in the wind was almost welcome, and when his feet hit the ground the sound echoed off the high perimeter walls around the temple.
One by one the team leapt off his back and approached the temple entrance, where, after a short wait, they were granted access. The long entrance hallway seemed darker and colder than usual, and the team found themselves taking lighter steps and trying to hush their breathing: except Kuwabara.
"Echo!" he called out, grinning as his voice echoed back at him from two different directions.
"Shut-up!" Yusuke hissed at him.
"But it's fun!" Kuwabara loudly replied.
"Idiot…" Yusuke grumbled.
"We should remain on guard," Kurama warned them both. "Remember that when we called Koenma yesterday evening he was not in his office – we don't know why that is, the situation here could be worse than we thought."
"You think the demons might have taken control of this temple?" Hiei asked.
"Temple, temple, temple!" Kuwabara called out.
"Shut-up, idiot!" Yusuke snapped.
"Gees, you're grumpier than Hiei," Kuwabara complained.
"Hiei's too scared to be grumpy," Yusuke said, nudging Hiei and making him stumble for a few steps before regaining his balance.
"Huh, fools!" Hiei replied once he had steadied himself. "You should take Kurama's advice and remain on your guard."
"I think he's feeling better today," Yusuke whispered to Kuwabara.
Hiei scowled at Yusuke, but Yusuke returned his look with a grin. Kuwabara stopped trying to create echoes as they reached the doors to the main atrium of the temple and Yusuke leaned forwards, pressing one ear to the join between the doors. He frowned slightly in concentration, and, after a few seconds, he stepped back and shook his head. He and Kurama opened one door each, and all four grunted in surprise as they revealed that the area beyond was as empty as the hallway they had just walked the length of.
"This is just too weird," Yusuke muttered, walking in ahead of the others.
"I had a feeling this may be the case," Kurama commented, looking down at an abandoned and unusually tidy desk as he passed it.
"Seeing this place like this is scarier than being in demon world," Kuwabara said.
Hiei remained silent, looking about himself curiously, occasionally falling slightly behind as he slowed to study something that caught his interest. Kurama was the first to reach the doors to Koenma's office, and he lightly knocked and stepped back to wait to be invited in: but mere seconds later Yusuke walked past him and shouldered open one of the doors, continuing into the office without hesitation. Kuwabara shrugged and gave Kurama a small, sympathetic smile before they both followed Yusuke in, finally being joined by Hiei as they formed a line along the length of Koenma's desk.
"This mission just keeps getting weir–"
"Don't say it, Urameshi!"
Yusuke groaned and waved a hand at George, who had fallen asleep, Koenma's hat still on his head, his upper body slouched forwards over the desk.
"If Koenma isn't here, the situation can't be good," Kurama said. "He must have been forced to start towards the fight without us. We should attempt to catch up to him. As I said before, I strongly suspect we will need his help sooner rather than later if we are to reach the orchard."
"Right, let's go," Yusuke agreed.
The team started towards the exit door at the back of Koenma's office.
"Hey, if the orchard is so hard to reach, how did that Suzuka guy manage to get there?" Kuwabara asked.
"I guess we'll find out when we get there," Yusuke replied with a shrug.
"I suppose he was pretty good at playing tricks," Kuwabara said, nodding slowly.
"Trickery won't help us now," Kurama warned them as he opened the back door of the temple. "The challenges ahead of us cannot be out-foxed."
"What did you just say?" Kuwabara asked.
"He said out-foxed," Yusuke replied. "Not out-fu–"
"Yusuke, please be serious," Kurama cut him off.
"So, wait, if you're saying you can't out-fox them, does that mean you're powerless here?" Kuwabara asked as they all exited the temple. "I don't get it: why would spirit world design the tests specifically to exclude foxes?"
"Huh, idiot, that's not what he meant!" Hiei snapped irritably. "He meant we can't bluff our way through the challenges. We can't cheat, we can't cut corners and we can't lie."
"So actually, the challenges have us out-fu–"
"Shut-up, Yusuke," Kurama groaned.
Yusuke shrugged and the team continued along a misty walkway. The path was barely wide enough for them to walk in pairs with no handrails or barriers, and an infinite drop below it.
"Shouldn't we get Puu for this part?" Kuwabara asked.
"No, we have to confront these challenges ourselves," Kurama replied.
Kuwabara nodded before looking back over his shoulder at Yusuke and Hiei who were walking side-by-side behind him and Kurama.
"It's unlikely they will be of much help until we reach our destination," Kurama whispered to Kuwabara. "You and I are likely to be the only ones capable of completing the challenges."
"Because we're smarter and stronger?" Kuwabara whispered back.
"More like less-aware and more sedate."
"…What?"
"Hey Hiei," Yusuke said, nudging Hiei's shoulder with his elbow. "Have you ever "out-foxed" a girl?"
"No," Hiei flatly replied.
"Oh, I see," Yusuke said, grinning insolently. "So she "out-foxed" you, did she?"
"You don't know what you're talking about," Hiei muttered.
"You're getting pissy, so now I know I'm right," Yusuke sighed.
Hiei started to answer him but was cut off as he inadvertently walked into Kurama's back. He staggered back and lowered his head, but not before Yusuke saw him blush.
"This is where it begins," Kurama told them.
Yusuke turned his attention forwards, peering over Kurama's shoulder at what lay ahead of them. His face slowly twisted, and the dread that had started to build up inside of him only multiplied when Kuwabara began to read a sign by the side of the path.
"Welcome to Justice Road. Journey time between each gate approximately one hour, total journey time approximately four hours. Please do not approach gates if not suitably prepared and qualified to open them."
"Oh hell no," Yusuke groaned in a low voice.
"What does "suitably prepared and qualified" mean?" Hiei asked.
"Now I get why it has to be me and Kurama," Kuwabara said, firing up his spirit sword. "We're gonna smash down the gates!"
He swung his sword through the air to demonstrate his point, earning himself a dark, disapproving look from Kurama.
"They won't be opened by force," Kurama told him harshly.
"Oh yeah?" Yusuke said, pointing a glowing finger over Kurama's shoulder towards the winding road ahead of them.
"Oh no," Kurama replied, pushing Yusuke's hand down. "Like I said before, these challenges aren't designed for brute physical strength."
"The gates are the challenges?" Hiei asked. "We have to complete a special task to open the gates?"
"Exactly," Kurama replied.
"What sort of tasks are they?" Kuwabara asked.
"I can only guess," Kurama said. "But if that sign you just read needs to be placed here to warn others not to approach the gates, then presumably they are not the sort of tasks an average citizen of spirit world can complete. I fear we might not get very far without Koenma, but hopefully he will have already passed by this way and we can catch up to him."
"Then what are we waiting for?" Yusuke asked. "Let's go!"
Yusuke started to run and Kuwabara quickly followed after him. Kurama nodded at Hiei and began running, with Hiei shortly following his lead: though despite seeming to be putting a lot of effort into running, Hiei fell further and further behind the others with every passing second.
Hiei swayed on the spot as he dripped with sweat and fought for breath. Kurama had never seen Hiei look so exhausted – the virus was clearly developing in his body and worsening his physical condition, making it all the more vital that they found Rui, since she was perhaps the only person Hiei would allow to cure him.
"I could probably blast it," Yusuke said, pointing at the object blocking the road.
"Funny-looking gate," Kuwabara commented. "It's more like a door."
He started towards the closed, solid swing gate but stopped as Kurama grabbed his arm.
"This is the first of the three gates, the first of our challenges," Kurama warned him. "Don't even attempt to get close to it until you've read the instructions."
Yusuke moved over to a tall narrow rock by the door, picking at the moss covering its surface.
"It doesn't look like anyone has come this way in a long time," he mused.
Kuwabara joined him and together they scraped away the moss to reveal an inscription on the flattened top face of the rock.
"Only those whose hearts and souls are loyal to the Enma Dynasty may pass this gate," Kuwabara read aloud.
"Well I guess that's me boned," Yusuke muttered.
"You're not loyal to spirit world?" Kuwabara asked him.
"I'm a demon," Yusuke pointed out.
"As are we," Kurama added, waving a hand at himself and Hiei. "Kuwabara, you should take this challenge: try to open the gate."
"Right," Kuwabara said, pushing out his chest and boldly striding up to the gate. "Because in times of trouble, Kazuma Kuwabara is always the best man for the job!"
He pulled down the latch and pushed open the gate without incident. Yusuke, Kurama and Hiei walked through it and Kuwabara followed them, smiling smugly until he lost some of his bravado after getting a scare when the gate slammed shut behind him, a faint glow passing over it.
"I don't know what you were worrying about, fox boy," Yusuke said to Kurama. "This is too easy."
"Don't be so blasé," Kurama replied. "That was a relatively simple test that Kuwabara was able to take on our behalf. Had he failed, he would have been thrown from the road and plummeted to a terrible place of pain and suffering."
"What?!" Kuwabara yelped.
"So let's hope we catch up to Koenma before we reach the next gate then," Yusuke said.
"Why didn't anyone tell me about the "plummeting to a terrible place of pain and suffering" part before I tried to open the gate?" Kuwabara asked.
"Would you have still tried if you had understood the danger?" Hiei asked.
"No!" Kuwabara replied.
"Then perhaps that's why," Hiei said.
Kuwabara eyed Hiei over, his face scrunching up as he did so.
"Oh yeah?" he said. "My life might be meaningless to you shorty, but at least I'm not so pig-headed that I can't admit when I'm not strong enough to do something."
Hiei tilted his head as though he was confused by Kuwabara's response.
"We only ran for like twenty minutes, and we weren't even going that fast, and you're already completely worn out!" Kuwabara added.
"You don't know what you're talking about," Hiei replied, as another droplet of sweat fell from the tip of his nose.
"Kuwabara makes a very valid point," Kurama said. "You're clearly not fit to make this journey."
Hiei rounded on him, spraying sweat over Kuwabara's shirt as he turned.
"You promised you would let me complete this mission with you," he said.
"And I'm not attempting to break that promise now," Kurama assured him. "I just don't think you can manage the remainder of this road unassisted."
"You can't leave me behind," Hiei said.
"I wasn't going to suggest that we did," Kurama said. "I was going to suggest that one of us should carry you."
"I'm not doing it!" Kuwabara immediately said, scowling at Hiei as he spoke.
"Maybe you should just wait here, Hiei," Yusuke suggested. "When we find Koenma, we'll send him back for you."
"I don't need Koenma to guide me through spirit world!" Hiei sternly replied.
"I think you might," Yusuke said. "If these tests are all about loving spirit world, caring about things and being patient, you're not gonna be any help to us."
"I can keep up with you," Hiei insisted. "I can keep up with all–"
"I'll carry you," Kurama cut him off.
Hiei froze, one hand still clawed in the air where he had been starting to clench it into a fist but stopped upon hearing Kurama's words.
"We don't know that we won't need Hiei's assistance at some point on this journey," Kurama told the others. "It's true that Hiei isn't loyal to spirit world and he's far from virtuous, but he is here to help save this world and stop the evil presence here, and his desire to stop what is happening is far stronger than any of ours is, and that might give him an edge over the rest of us in one of the upcoming tests."
"Do you know what the next tests are?" Kuwabara asked.
"No, but there are only two more," Kurama replied. "It seems unlikely that Hiei should be any better qualified to pass any of the tests than you or I are Kuwabara, but that's not a chance we can afford to take. Hiei, I'm carrying you."
Kurama started towards Hiei and Kuwabara turned to Yusuke, who simply shrugged.
"Spirit world is a seriously messed up place," he said.
"So messed up that Hiei could be considered cleaner than either of us?" Kuwabara asked.
"Probably," Yusuke replied. "Look at how weird Koenma and Botan are, and they're both pretty tame compared to some of the nut-jobs this place – what… The hell are you doing?"
Kuwabara turned around to see what had caught Yusuke's attention, and together they stared in confused disbelief at Kurama.
"Why did you pick him like that?" Kuwabara asked.
Kurama looked down at Hiei, who was cradled in his arms, their faces so close that their noses were almost touching.
"Why does he have his arms around your neck like that?" Yusuke asked.
Kurama turned his head to look at his shoulder furthest from Hiei's head, where he saw two bandaged hands clinging onto his shirt, one on either side of his shoulder.
"What the hell is wrong with you guys?" Kuwabara asked.
"There's nothing…" Kurama began, turning to give him a harsh glare. "There's nothing wrong with us. Or anyone. I'm just… I'm just helping a friend who is incredibly ill."
"Right…" Yusuke said, nodding his head slowly. "You're just helping him because he's sick. Even though it looks like you're getting ready to carry him off on your honeymoon…"
"It was just the easiest way to pick him up," Kurama said quietly.
"Yeah, the way he's all snuggled up to you it definitely looks like you just picked him up," Yusuke said, grinning and wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.
"It wasn't like that," Kurama assured him.
He turned his head towards Hiei again, and again their noses narrowly missed colliding.
"It wasn't like that," he said again. "It was just…"
Kurama stiffened, a tense look of confusion passing over his eyes before he put Hiei down again, pulling the fire demon's arms from him.
"Get on my back," he said.
Hiei looked surprised and confused, but Kurama did not give him the chance to argue, instead turning his back and crouching down expectantly. He felt Hiei's hands come to rest on his shoulders, but he stopped there. Kurama looked back over his shoulder expectantly and saw Hiei looking down at him with an almost fearful look in his eyes.
"Why are you hesitating?" Kurama asked him.
"I-I can't do it…" Hiei whispered back.
"Just forget your pride and do it," Kurama insisted.
Hiei leaned closer to him.
"I don't think I can put my legs around you," he whispered.
Kurama stood abruptly and marched on along the road, leaving the others behind. Hiei reached out a hand after him, but otherwise did not move or say anything. Yusuke signalled to Kuwabara and Hiei to stay back and jogged after Kurama. By the time he had caught up to Kurama, they were far enough ahead of Kuwabara and Hiei to be well out of earshot, and so Yusuke risked talking at an ordinary conversational level.
"Hey, come on, I was just joking back there," he said. "You know that, right? I know you like girls, it was just really funny that you picked him up that way. And the way he was looking at you, it was like… Um…"
"It was like he has feelings for me," Kurama said sternly.
"Exactly," Yusuke agreed.
Kurama shot him a brief, piercing glare.
"Or not!" Yusuke hurriedly corrected himself. "We're all just feeling the pressure of everything in demon world with the ice maidens and Enki and now all this Fabio stuff ahead of us. It's no big deal."
"It is a big deal," Kurama said. "I think Hiei is in love with me."
Yusuke started to laugh, but another harsh glare from Kurama silenced him.
"I always thought Hiei slept around because he was scared of commitment, scared of being abandoned, scared of falling in love," Kurama continued. "I had no idea it was all denial about what his heart truly desired."
"Are you saying Hiei's gay?" Yusuke asked.
"How else can you explain any of this?" Kurama replied.
"Well… There was the, um… And, uh…"
"The wood nymphs were powerless against him because they could only disguise themselves as women, and they must have realised that Hiei doesn't desire women. He has always hated and been wary and distrustful around women because of the ice maidens. He has never formed any meaningful relationships with any women – he isn't even reliable or consistent with Mukuro, she constantly has to ask me to bring him back to her. I'm the first person he comes to when he needs help, I'm the only person he has ever willingly talked to about his past or his innermost thoughts, he doesn't even care that Botan is apparently offering herself to him on a silver platter, and I think he's just using this illness as an excuse to test the waters."
"Test the waters?"
"He's pushing me. He's trying to see if I feel the same way. He's so scared of rejection, he won't take the chance of being upfront and honest about his desires, rather he's trying to lure me into wanting him just as badly as he wants me!"
"Do you want him?"
"No!"
"Okay, I was just asking!"
Yusuke looked back over his shoulder, seeing Kuwabara slowly following them from some distance back and Hiei following Kuwabara from even further back. He turned back to Kurama, finding his usually serene face stern and darkened over, his shoulders tense and squared, his hands clenched into tight fists at his sides and the distinct aura that he was about to pounce on something or turn viciously violent hanging in the air around him.
"I always thought it would be pretty cool to be gay."
Kurama stopped abruptly and Yusuke stumbled to a halt at his side, turning to find the fox demon already facing him, looking almost maniacally furious.
"This isn't something I want to discuss in a puerile, jocular manner with an immature, sex-obsessed boy like you, Yusuke," he growled.
"Wow!" Yusuke said, holding up his hands. "Easy there, fox boy! I wasn't joking! I was just trying to make you feel better!"
"Well then, for both of our sakes, please stop."
Kurama turned and started off along the narrow road again, still stomping along at an almost uncomfortable pace. Yusuke hurried after him, finding that, when he did draw level with him, he had to skip a step every few steps in order to keep up with the long and fast strides Kurama was taking.
"I was serious," he said. "I do think it would be pretty cool to be gay. There are a lot of advantages to being with a guy, right?"
"You're not helping," Kurama warned him.
"Like you never have to go shopping for shoes," Yusuke continued regardless. "I bet Hiei wouldn't ever drag you around stupid shoe shops for seven hours on a Saturday just so that he could go back to the first shop you visited and buy the first pair of stupid shoes he tried on!"
"Please stop talking."
"And you'd never have to go to concerts with crappy boy-bands, or go to the cinema to watch stupid, soppy, girly movies! If you were dating a guy, you could just rock out to some decent music, go and watch a movie with car chases and guns and blood and then just have sex without all that talking about your feelings and giving massages with your clothes on – which is just damn retarded and sick!"
"You sound like you've thought about this before."
"I have! When I first started, you know, getting the urge, and then noticing girls, I got to thinking: a vagina is the most complicated thing in the world."
Kurama glanced briefly at Yusuke, some of the intensity fading from his face as he did so.
"It is!" Yusuke insisted. "If you're gay, you know exactly where to touch, how long to touch, how hard to touch and how to touch, because you have all the same equipment as the person you want to screw, right?"
"I suppose so," Kurama agreed.
"So you can practise on yourself."
"What?"
"I'm serious! We've all choked the chicken a few times, right? So you know what feels good down there, and if you get with another guy, you know how to make it feel good for him too, right? It's so much easier! With a woman, it's just chaos!"
"You don't seem to have any difficulty with women."
"I have a secret though."
"I don't want to know what it is, please don't tell me."
"When I turned fourteen, my mom gave me money instead of a birthday present, and I put it all in the coin sweeper at the arcade: I doubled the money. So then I took my winnings, and I paid a prostitute to show me her naked body."
"…When you were fourteen… You… What?"
"Yeah! Best money I ever spent! I paid her to just sit there with everything out where I could see it."
"Yusuke, that's… Unethical and just absurd!"
"It confused the shit out of me."
"I imagine it did, at fourteen years old!"
"So then, over the next six months, I beat up as many kids as I could, and stole their lunch money. Once I had enough, I went back and hired her again."
"Oh God…"
"And the second time, I got her to explain to me what all those bits were and what they did. And that was well worth it. If she hadn't taught me what she did, I'd have been lost."
"What sort of prostitute lets a minor hire her services?"
"I didn't touch her, she wouldn't let me, that was part of the deal. She just showed me which buttons to push… And which switches to flick, if you know what I mean!"
Yusuke elbowed Kurama in the ribs and winked at him, and Kurama gave him a begrudging smile in return.
"I'm not entirely surprised," he admitted. "I had always imagined that you had become involved with a woman in a physically intimate manner at a very young age, but I had always assumed it had been more innocent, more a case of you pretending to play doctors and nurses with some poor, unsuspecting girl and rather callously poking, prodding and squeezing at her until you got a positive response."
"Gee thanks, Kurama," Yusuke grumbled.
"I appreciate what you're trying to do, but the problem isn't my confusion, it's Hiei's confusion," Kurama replied. "I'm not gay, but I think he is. And clearly in denial about it, because he has slept with more women than I ever have."
"Well, maybe you are sort of gay too," Yusuke said carefully. "I mean, Hiei's kinda young, and you've been around for hundreds of years, so if he's had more women than you, then… Doesn't that sort of suggest that maybe you weren't all that sure yourself?"
Kurama snorted and shook his head.
"Trust me Yusuke, I've had more than my fair share of women," he said. "The difference in number between myself and Hiei is not an indication of any shortcomings on my part, rather it's indicative of just how exceptionally promiscuous he has been. I always thought he was just compensating for his loneliness, it never once occurred to me that he was compensating for his own confusion."
"I'm just saying, it's not like Hiei's had much time to have like hundreds of women," Yusuke pointed out. "And if you've had less…"
"I've had a lot of women, Yusuke," Kurama said darkly. "A lot of women. And I really do mean a lot. I've done things with women that even a filthy little pervert like you couldn't conceive of in his wildest fantasies."
"Okay…"
"It may be more than twenty years since I last had a woman, but it doesn't mean I desire them any less."
Yusuke started to tell Kurama that he was ready to stop the conversation – since it had been getting just a little too perverse, even for Yusuke's tastes – but then he heard Kurama's words echo through his mind, and, after a brief moment of silence while he counted it out on his fingers, he found his smile again.
"More than twenty years?" he asked.
"Yes," Kurama simply replied.
"What are you like twenty-two?" Yusuke asked.
"Twelve hundred and sixty-seven."
"What? No, not your foxy age, your human age. How long have you been Shuichi?"
"Almost twenty-three years."
"Right. And you haven't been with a woman for over twenty years?"
"Not since I merged my soul with this body, no."
Yusuke gave a short laugh, stopping when Kurama turned to look at him.
"Why is that funny?" Kurama asked.
"It just seems like you're saying that Shuichi is a virgin," Yusuke replied with a shrug.
"Shuichi is a virgin," Kurama simply replied. "This body is a virgin."
Yusuke burst out laughing, falling behind Kurama as the force of his hysterics left him staggering and almost stumbling off the edge of the precarious path. He wiped a tear from the corner of one eye and ran after Kurama, grabbing his shoulder as he joined him once more.
"Seriously?" he asked. "You're seriously a virgin?"
"I'm not," Kurama replied. "But I've never had sex with a woman in this body. How could I? It would be dishonest. If I sleep with a human woman, I do so knowing that I'm hiding my true identity from her, and I've never met a demon woman who would bed a human man without having any sinister, ulterior motives behind her actions. That was why I first became interested in Botan: she knows exactly what I am, and with her, there is no lie and no fear of her trying to take advantage of me or misunderstanding what I'm truly capable of."
Yusuke nodded in understanding.
"I have desires in this body too," Kurama continued. "I've tried to ignore them, but it gets harder every time. Holding it all in makes it so hard sometimes."
Yusuke snorted and slapped a hand over his mouth.
"It's really not funny, Yusuke," Kurama said, eying him over in distaste.
"You're a virgin!" Yusuke laughed.
"No, only this body is," Kurama corrected him.
"You're twenty-three and you're a virgin!" Yusuke said.
"Shuichi is twenty-two, and I'm not a virgin."
"You work in IT support, you're twenty-three and you're a virgin!"
"You're grossly over-simplifying it."
"You work in IT support, you're twenty-three and you're a virgin – holy shit dude, you're a dork!"
"Well I'm glad my pains amuse you so."
"You're even more pathetic than Kuwabara!"
"I can't get involved with a woman as long as I exist in this form, and since I intend to remain this way for my mother's sake, I don't expect to get involved with a woman for many decades yet."
"So what you're saying now is that you work in IT support, you're twenty-three, you're a virgin and you're a momma's boy?"
"When did this change from you trying to make me feel better to you just being a dick?"
"I always thought you were the cool one, but you've really shown your true colours today, fox boy!"
"I'll take this one."
"What?"
Yusuke stopped abruptly as he realised that they had reached the second gate. Kurama continued towards it and Yusuke then realised that he was about to attempt to open it: despite the fact that he had not even looked at the mossed-over inscription on the nearby stone dais.
"Hey, wait!" Yusuke called after him as he ran towards the stone. "Shouldn't you read the instructions first?"
"I'm growing tired of this farce," Kurama harshly replied. "We're just wasting time here. For all we know, Koenma and the entire SDF could have been slaughtered by now."
"Yeah, but like you're always telling the rest of us, patience is a virtue, right?" Yusuke said as he began frantically picking the moss off of the rock. "And it's all about observation of correct protocol, and all those other weird things you say about–"
Yusuke froze as Kurama grabbed the latch of the gate. When nothing happened Yusuke straightened up from the rock, shrugging as he saw the almost accusing look Kurama was giving him.
"So maybe you're the best man for the job this time around," he said.
Kurama yanked down the latch and pushed his shoulder against the gate. In the moment that he realised it was not opening a blue flash of light passed over the gate and, before he could let go, Kurama was shocked by the gate, the reaction throwing him clear over the edge of the narrow walkway.
"Kurama!" Yusuke cried, reaching out towards him as he flew over his head.
Yusuke's fingers closed around empty air and Kurama faded from his sight as he was enveloped in the pale clouds beyond the walkway.
Next Chapter: For failing to be a qualified candidate to open the gate, Kurama is banished to a place of pain and torture for all eternity. Yusuke decides to read the instructions, and then one more member of the group attempts the challenge and fails just as miserably as Kurama did. The team realise they have not really understood the instructions, and when they finally do realise what is required to open the gate, it seems none of them are qualified, and their journey has come to a premature end. Meanwhile, in living world, Botan continues to try to charm her way into Hiei's life. Chapter 26 – Timing's Necessary