A/N: Hello everybody! Not much to say this time. This is the beginning of the last few chapters of the story, which means a tad more exposition. Something I don't love to write all the time...at least not in stories. Regardless, Bella needed it. And as a side note, know that she is ending her senior year of college right now, so she's 21 at the moment. And I know this has more drama in it, but don't worry. Nothing in these next few are going to be soap opera-worthy. She just needed a chance to break out of the fluffy, repetitive karaoke. Now is for the redundant angst! Hells to the yeah! OK, on with the show.

Disclaimer: Well, if you wanted honesty that's all you had to say. I never want to let you down or have you go...I'm reading this. No way! So Twilight is not mine...nor are the lyrics to this song. That's My Chem, all the way.

Hot n Cold- Katy Perry

Do You Love Me?- Fiddler on the Roof

All That I've Got- The Used

I'm Not Okay (I Promise)- My Chemical Romance. (Yeah, I know I've done this song before, but it's more in keeping with this chapter. I mean, it's this chapter's anthem so just listen...again. 'Tis a wondrous song!)

Chapter 26: I'm Not Okay

Awesome. That's how I was feeling. In a defeated, sarcastic way, and in an honest, real, 'I'm invincible!' way, too. Because, for once in my life, things were not straight forward, black or white, good or bad, yes or no, hot n cold, in or out...the list goes on and on...

I mean, I'd had issues in life, of course. I'd lived with a near absent mother, never known my father, lived with an unrequited love for over a year, and was attacked by the questioning poodles when college reared its dramatic head.

But through all those times, things were one way or the other. Bad, lonely, frustrating, or dreaded, they allowed me to take stock of the situation and work to change them for the better.

Now?

Now I'm in a catch-22 of love, happiness, and emo-ish pain.

See, I had gone to NYU, alongside my beauteous beaux and Rosalie, who transferred the same year. And it had been a blast. Hard, yes. Challenging, you bet. And, consequentially, a zillion times better than Forks High could've ever been. At least, in education. In the name of friendship, we still missed our Emmy-bear who was finishing up college in California, and Jazzy and the Psycho Pixie, who'd been jumping from school to school every year. Now they were taking up residence in Arkansas. Yet new friends were gained, as well. Kate, Irina, and Carmen, Edward's fan club in the music department. I would've been jealous had they not been the coolest chicks on the history of the planet. Jane and Alec, were my crazy ass art friends. And then, of course, Rose's evil and amazing roommate, Victoria. Still, we made plans with the original gang every chance we had.

As art school increased in difficulty and intensity, I gained more help and closer relationships with the crazy ass art professors. One of them, the craziest ass of all, who was therefore my favorite, had just discovered an internship in Paris and he'd said it was right up my alley. And so begins the awesomeness.

"Are you serious?" I stared at him like he was an alien, which, from his somewhat emaciated body, pale complexion, jet black hair, and wide burgundy eyes, it wasn't much of a stretch. So hot. Before me, stood the truest artist I'm sure I'd ever get the privilege of knowing.

His laughter lines deepened as he glanced down at me. It was always odd talking to Professor Aro, especially with those unusual colored eyes that looked like rich red blood had melted into the black darkness. He was a mystery, but always patient with my far-fetched ideas, encouraging any type of creativity. And now he was giving me the chance of a lifetime! I'd probably need to send him a muffin basket or something.

"Yes, Bella," he was saying, smiling fondly. "You were the first person I thought of when I discovered the position. It is a pricey sum, but I've spoken with Carlisle, and he and Esme are more than willing to chip in."

Chip in? Yeah right. I'd agreed to move in with Edward here, only because it'd made most logical sense. Rose already had an apartment and roommate she liked. She was in no position to take another in or get out of her lease. Besides, I'd liked the idea of living with Edward. But then, that crazy Cullen family had bought a ridiculously expensive loft for us that made zero sense, negating my original intentions. We were a young couple, facing the big city one step at a time. I'd believed we'd live in a crap shack that had bugs crawling around as we worked our minimum wage jobs. Yet it made them happy to provide for us, so I'd graciously accepted; but now they wanted to pay for my studying abroad, too? That was unacceptable!

I shook my head, and somehow he seemed to know what I was going to say. He lay a hand on my shoulder, those eyes deep and endless, like never-ending tunnels. "Bella, I've known the Cullens for many years-"

"I know that, but-"

"Listen," he chastised, calmly. I bit my lip to keep from talking. "And they haven't been half as happy since you entered their lives."

"How did I-"

"You gave their boy hope, you gave him a purpose. Which is to make you happy. By extension, they want to do something for you. Out of all your time with them, have you accepted much, other than the occasional Christmas present?"

"Well, they bought my apartment…."

"They would have gotten one just as expensive for Edward."

I looked down, scuffing my worn converses in the dirt. My eyes glanced up at him, squinting against the setting sun. "I wanna do it…."I mumbled, still unsure.

"And you should do it! Bella, they are so unbelievably grateful to you. They just want to show you that."

I nodded my head slowly, then glared at him with a sudden suspicion. "They put you up to this, didn't they?"

He laughed soundly, which told me that, yes they most certainly did, and then he proceeded to give me all the details of my impending voyage, clearly trying to change the subject. Very subtle sir, but not subtle enough!

"Were you actually considering not accepting the internship?" Edward asked in disbelief as I stepped through the door.

"Oh yeah, my day was splendid, hon. How was yours?" I took off my jacket, slipped off my shoes, and headed to the fridge for a beer. Fuck. We only had Edward's girly shit. Stuff was nasty and tasted like fucking blueberries. Whatever; hooch was hooch.

"Cut the crap here, Bella. You were actually considering?" His voice was getting all intense and loud, so I walked toward him, drink in hand.

"Yes. I was," I told him in a soft voice. My free hand glided through his hair, and I thought wistfully of the first time I'd run my fingers through it, back in Forks. Edward must've remembered too, or perhaps he was suddenly aware of how silly I looked, covered in paint as I was. It's what art classes do to you, what can I say? Regardless, he calmed down, and a small smile touched his lips.

"I'm sorry. How was your day?"

I laughed. "Good. Pretty damn good, actually. How'd you find out I was going to say no, anyway?"

He rolled his eyes. "Aro called after you left. Said, by no means, am I to let you change your mind. I can't believe you were considering not taking it. After all these years, you were going to miss your shot because of pride?"

I shrugged, wincing as I took a big gulp of the blueberry shit. He scowled at my grimace. "It's not just pride, mister. There's guilt too. Something I'd think you, of all people, would understand. Carlisle and Esme aren't even my biological parents!"

"Guilty of what?" He wrapped his arms around my waist, feeling very secure and there, that I just melted against him.

"I don't deserve it, Edward." It was a whisper, spoken into his chest, but in the quiet kitchen it sounded as loud as an atomic explosion.

"I beg to differ," he disagreed quietly, a rumble in his chest that felt all the more soothing. He pulled back. "Aren't you the one who receives Outstandings in all her classes?"

"Well there was that one that-"

"And aren't you the one who got a letter from a famous artist, saying how great your pieces are?"

"OK, she was just being poli-"

"No. She wasn't. And aren't you the one whose painting is mounted on the wall of the main administrative building?"

"That doesn't prove-"

"Yes. It does. Now do I need to continue, or have I interrupted you enough?"

I lost steam with a deep exhale. "Nope. I'm good."

"Yes. You are." He gave me a final squeeze, then grabbed my hand and led us to the couch.

"What movie?" I asked, plopping down.

"You decide," he murmured, taking his seat, my drink that really should've been his-at least he could swallow it down-and pulled me against his stomach. Despite the hardness of his abs, I believe it was my favorite pillow. Or his chest. Or the crook of his neck. Or- You get the point.

I settled on the old and newer versions of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, grateful that for once, Edward wasn't pouting at my mooning over Johnny Depp. We ate Chinese food from the crappy place down the street, and I quoted all the lines, until I almost fell asleep.

But then-

"Bella?" His voice rose softly, a breath against my cheek, and the resulting blush woke me even further.

"Mmm?" I muttered lazily, opening my eyes. They met his, serious and intent, tracing every line and curve they found upon my face. I mentally cringed at the annoying zit by my nose. Even hotter than Aro.

"When do you…leave?"

My inhale was slow and shaky. "Three days."

"How-" He cleared his throat, voice strained and gravelly. "How long?"

I bit my lip, swallowed. "Four months."

"Four," he breathed, dropping his head to the crook of my neck-see how comfortable they are?-and stayed that way for a few minutes.

When he sighed and detached himself, I asked him if he wanted to sleep. "No," he said. And then he pulled my shirt off. So we had our time together, well into the night and into the morning. Soon we'd be apart, and that hadn't happened since…Jimmy. Perhaps we were too dependent on each other. But even I, girl who didn't want to give up future for a boy, wouldn't have it any other way.

The sound of clattering pans awoke me the next day, and I pulled on one of Edward's shirts, pattering down the stairs to see what the ruckus was about. "Damn it!" I heard a velvety voice curse and laughter escaped me as I found my dearest boyfriend in an odd predicament. He was clad only in boxers, on the kitchen floor, a cooking pot covering his pretty head like a weird space costume a five year old came up with. Mmm…Edward would make one damn fine astronaut, I do believe. He pulled the offending helmet off only to see my grinning face, his expression all adorable and sheepish. "Um. Hi."

"Morning," I said, glancing at the counter covered in various breakfast foods. "Did you make all this for me?"

"You sound surprised."

"Well, it's just…a lot." I walked over to him, gave him a hand up, and he started brushing his boxers off. I think to draw my attention to his fine ass. Hmph. Show off. "How did you end up on the floor of all places, dear? With a pot on your head?" I think out of the eight years I'd know him, I'd seen him fall once, not counting today.

"I may or may not have dropped some butter on the ground. And I may or may not have noticed until I was walking to the oven, trying to put this on the stove." He shot the pot a glare. It sat innocently on the floor, not saying a word. "And I may or may not have slid on the butter, threw the pot in the air and fell. It landed on my head." He kicked it once, sighed, and tried once more to place it on the stove. This time, it worked.

I shook my head. "Maybe it's a good thing I'll be gone for so long. I'm rubbing off on you too much."

"What if I like you rubbing off on me?" He said it in a low voice, oozing sex big time, and I blushed.

"Well, that I don't doubt. But think of when we're 80 and we both go to the ER with broken hips. I fall and then you trip over my prostrate body."

He grinned. "At least we fall together!"

"Aw." I walked to him, wrapping my arms around his waist. "Only you, Mr. Cullen, could make future senior injuries, romantic."

"It's a talent not many possess." He kissed my forehead. "Now eat, love. I told Rose we'd pick her up at two to go shopping for your trip."

I looked at him, confused. "You don't have to come."

"I-" His face was abruptly serious, his fingers stroking my red cheek. "I want to. We don't have much…." Time, I finished in my mind. He didn't seem able to.

"OK," I said. Because it was. And then…I ate!

"Do you…love…me?" Edward sang grandly, as the three of us walked through Target's entrance. I recognized the Fiddler on the Roof tune, an opening for our bit we'd made up years ago.

"Say what?" I said in reply, pushing the red cart through the aisles. He placed his hands on my hips, walking behind me.

"Do you…love…me?" It was a longing rumble, deep in his heart, and though many people were looking over in our direction, seeming to enjoy his voice, I had to be me and end it.

"Nah. You smell." And I broke away from him, pushing the cart faster. Rose cackled next to me in her evilly witchy way, cheering me on with great female support.

"That's not what you said last night," Edward disagreed seductively, ensnaring me in his grasp again.

I shook my head at Rose. "This is what happens to men once they get laid, isn't it?"

"Yes," she agreed solemnly. "They have sex and then-"

"Everything's an innuendo," I finished. Edward didn't seem to be listening, distracted by the Avatar on Blue-ray for 16.99. I didn't understand his obsession myself. Blue people. Big deal.

Rose sighed. "I miss Emmett."

I smiled sympathetically. "He'll be back here soon, hon."

"Two weeks," she said, breathless with excitement. "Yes! It's just a shame you won't see him before you leave."

"Yeah," Edward and I sighed.

"OK you two, what all do we need? Who's got the list?" She did that creepy turn around thing again, walking backwards like it was nothing. I wanted to call her Mater, like the truck from Cars.

Edward and I looked at each other. "List?" we said together.

She stared at us. "You didn't make a list of all the stuff you needed?"

I blinked. "Uh…no?"

"Edward!" Rose exclaimed in exasperation.

He jumped. "What'd I do?"

"You're supposed to be watching out for her, you dolt!" She slapped the back of his head. "Didn't you know about this whole thing before she did?"

"Yeah," I agreed righteously, and slapped him on the back of his head, too. You know, for good measure.

"I miss Emmet," He sighed, rubbing his head.

I kissed his cheek when Rose's back was turned. "That's not what you said last night," I whispered, and then I caught up to Rose, linked my arm with hers and we made our way to the shampoo aisle. Score one for the Bella!

"You shouldn't take too many liquids, OK? 'Cause it's a pretty long flight. Plus, it's spring, so there's bound to be some turbulence. But do you need any hair products? Not shampoo or conditioner, but mousse? Gel? That weird Gelee stuff? You are going to France though. These all sound very French."

"I need Frizz-control," I mumbled anticlimactically, grabbing the kind I usually did.

"Get the smaller one, and I'll grab some sandwich bags for this stuff. Go get your necessities. I'll be right back." She headed off to get the bags and I stared after her a moment, dazed. She'd make an excellent mother one day.

"Coming?" I called to Edward, who was staring, fascinated, at the different kinds of feminine shaving cream.

"Sensitive skin. Interesting." I heard him mutter to himself; I snickered quietly. "Yeah, I'll catch up in a minute, sweetheart!"

I shook my head at his girlishness and pushed the cart to my favorite aisle. Yeah, for being an artist, it was weird that I loved the tidiest place in the store. My favorite was the aisle by the pharmacy where the traveling samples of deodorant, tooth paste and floss rested in neat racks. I just loved the order to it, how small and cute the samples were.

"Look at this!" I exclaimed happily, when he finally caught up. I showed him the adorable stick of Rain Shower scented deodorant. "Look at this little guy. Man! I just wanna take him home with me." I glanced at his hand, holding a hot pink can of- "Raspberry Mist, Shaving Gel," I read. "For sensitive skin. Fresh and luscious. Every girl's dream come true. Hmm. Sounds just like you! Though, I would've taken you for a Watermelon Twist, kind of guy." I smiled up at him. "Planning on shaving your legs?"

"Ugh! I don't want you to go!" he groaned, mauling me in a hug. He burrowed his face in my hair, inhaling deeply. "And it's for my face, love."

Right. Cause he had such a full beard, already. Keep dreaming, babe. I wrapped my arms around him awkwardly, since he was resting all his weight on me fragile bones. "Alright, sweetie. What's changed since two minutes ago? You were fine back in the other aisle."

He pulled back and paced the floor, throwing his hands up in a frustrated gesture. "I wasn't fine!" He spat the word. "I was coping. You can smush All That I've Got with I'm Not OK, and you've pretty much got the gist of what's going on in here." He pointed to his head. "And," he added, pointing to his heart. "Here."

"But you hate My Chemical Romance!" I said, in horror. Then I rolled my eyes. "Something I've never understood."

He huffed. "I know! Just adds to my misery."

"Well," I struggled, looking up at the ceiling. "Do you…do you want me to not go or-"

"No!" he exclaimed, mauling me once more, this time a bit gentler as he held my face in his hands. But I was still getting tired of the mauling thing. And I though Emmett was the bear. "No, Bella. This is your shot. I can't let you throw that away."

"Well then, dear," I grabbed his hands, slowly releasing them from their grasp on my face. I placed a kiss on the back of each one. "I believe we're in a bit of a pickle. You don't want me to leave and you don't want me to give up the chance, either. That'd be mixed signals, if I've ever heard 'em. So what do we do? I'm guessing you can't come….?"

He sighed, shook his head. "Work starts in two weeks. I have to prepare for it before then."

I swooned a little, despite the seriousness of the situation. Mr. Cullen, reporting for duty as New York's sexiest piano teacher. Watch out ladies. And gents, too. I'd be worried with this man prowling around the musical town, ready to seduce the most unsuspecting women. But then I shook my head out of the daze.

And that's what has landed me here. To that double-sided awesome feeling. That feeling of monotonous gray, rather than the black and white I was used to. And stuck in a very confusing catch-22 of love, happiness and My Chemical Romance pain. Awesome sauce.

I took a deep breath. "Just tell me not to go, and I won't." There we go. Safely away from the gray. It was now a yes or no decision. Problem was…the answer was out of my hands. It shamed me to think that four years ago, I wouldn't go to a college because of a boy, but now I was allowing said boy to make this decision for me. Yet even though I would've thought differently back in the high school, I knew I could trust a boy to do so. Just as long as it was this one, right here.

And so, I waited for what he'd say. Waited to hear the inevitable answer and where it'd take me as a result….

A/N: Wow. More things happened. Edward's all romantic and emo. Bella's released her feminist ways...sort of. And Rose is getting sandwich bags. I think her story is the most dramatic. Rose the Sandwich Bag Shopper, facing the world one grocery item at a time. Well, hope you enjoyed. Review if you want.