Chapter 25

" Being his real brother

I could feel I live in his shadows,

but I never have and I do not now.

I live in his glow."

– Michael Morpurgo

There was a hole in Loki's chest when he left Alannah and forced his feet out of the city and through the forest paths to the portal. It wasn't empty though. The hole in his chest was brimming over. Bleeding out. It was agony. It was an ending.

Silently he bent down to pick an Irenae flower, now glowing like starlight in the night and tucked it into the pocket of his sweatshirt. Finally with a heavy sigh, and a flash of hot, green mint, he stepped through the portal.

There was a sudden drop and his stomach plummeted below his toes as he fell. Black and deep, dark blue flooded his sight and the occasional glance of purple and green made him nauseous. His head spun and his muscles constricted tightly about his bones until he could scarcely breathe. It was no wonder he was one of the only creatures who knew these paths… no one else was mad enough to explore them.

It was over in a split, extremely uncomfortable, second, and he stumbled out into a mountainous region of Asgard. Ancient ruins lay here, just over that crest to his right, but there was a fire built in the little clearing of gravel he'd stumbled into and there were a few people already steadying him as he struggled to gain his balance.

Fandral and Volstagg were on either side of him, the former blabbering about something of likely no importance whatsoever, and the latter continually asking him if he was alright. He made eye contact with Sif crouching across the fire from him who was quietly conversing with thor before he'd stumbled through. His eyes flicked from Sif to his brother who rose up in one smooth movement and stepped over the fire to reach him. Loki took an involuntary step backwards with that immediate panic that was illogical but frustratingly potent.

He felt Odin's cap on his magic snap shut as soon as he had reoriented himself on Asgard and gasped as that white hot pain lit every nerve afire for a split second. His knees buckled and it was Thor who caught him and eased him to the ground. But of course it was Thor. Why was he ever afraid of Thor again? Was there a logical reason behind that?

He shook his head and motioned to Thor that he didn't need to lie down, he was just fine sitting. Thor was crouching in front of him with a look of concern written across his face and had a hand at the base of his neck. Loki hated when he did that, being manhandled wasn't his favorite thing in the world, for obvious reasons. He frowned and pulled away from his older brother, who didn't catch the hint and grasped at the back of his head to make him look at him.

"Are you alright? Are you in pain?"

"No! It was just for a moment there, Odin took my magic- Thor please stop pulling at my hair, that hurts."

"Sorry." Thor pulled back and started fidgeting with his hands like he didn't know how to communicate without them. "You- you're sure you're alright?"

Loki thought of Alannah and didn't respond. He was far from alright. That would only worry Thor though. He sighed instead of responding and rubbed at his sore jaw.

"Who hit you?" Thor growled and Loki rolled his eyes.

"Thor, really I'm not made of glass. It was Finian, the elven King."

"Sigyn's brother?" A dark cloud brewed behind Thor's blue eyes and the air tasted like electricity. Thor knew then. Loki nodded wordlessly. "So we have the backing of the elves?"

"We? Does that mean you're taking my side?" Loki verified.

Thor shook his head in bitter resignation, "Of course I'm taking your side, Loki! Odin murdered- Yes, of course I'm on your side… it's just… not one should… families aren't supposed to have to take sides… especially in war… it's just… it's not right. You didn't choose this war, though. Odin did." Thor stated firmly. "So do we have the backing of the elves?"

Loki felt equally grateful, touched and afraid. He was so grateful for his brother sometimes- though there was an equal amount of frustration and hate in there as well- but he couldn't bear the thought of losing him in this… He wouldn't, he decided firmly. He just wouldn't.

"Yes, they have an attack prepared that I designed with King Finian while under a cloak from Heimdall's sight. Obviously he can see me now because," he held up his empty hands, "No magic. But he can't inform Odin of the plan since he doesn't know it. He can inform him that there is a plan, but it won't do any good. They won't be able to avoid the fallout."

Thor nodded and reached back to accept a steaming mug of tea and offered it to Loki who took it to calm his nerves. Thor shifted to sit next to him and Fandral and Volstagg also joined them around the fire. Except for to offer him a mug of tea, Sif hadn't made eye contact the whole time. He wondered with a sudden freeze if she'd told Thor that Loki didn't think he'd make it.

No. He decided. If she had, Thor wouldn't be discussing plans of attack with him, he'd be trying to stuff Loki under a rock somewhere to keep him "safe". Loki suddenly appreciated Sif's silence and looked away from her as well, taking a sip of the scalding tea with a wince.

"You left Alannah there?" Thor verified.

"Uh, yes, for cultural experience. She's nearly to the age of maturation and she hasn't been to her homeland since she was an infant. She'll be safe and continue her education in a new way." Loki shrugged. "I hope it is enjoyable to her… it should keep her from worrying too much, too." The lie fell easily off his tongue but his insides cringed. Lying had always been so much easier than the truth for him…

Thor chuckled and believed him; honest, gullible, fool. Loki smirked affectionately at him but glanced back at his tea quickly, before Thor could realize there was a sadness in his smile.

He felt Heimdall's gaze focus on them like the pulling of a chord and he decided now was his best chance.

"Alright, there will be a distraction tomorrow and I need the three of you," he gestured to Sif, Fandral and Volstagg, "To take the south entrance to make sure that the Lords and Ladies of the courts and the servants have a safe passage to flee through. The elves are under instruction not to harm civilians, but accidents happen, so make sure they get out the South entrance. Thor you take the East wing and I will take the West, Odin will flee to the safe room in one wing or the other and whoever he makes it to will try and contain him-"

Thor snapped around to glare at Loki and demanded, "I want the West wing."

"I'm sorry, what?" Loki layered the innocent look on too thick to make it so that Thor might feel like he'd caught the younger in a trap, unrealizing that he'd just stepped into a snare himself.

"Odin will flee to the West and you know it. I have the best shot at defeating him, I mean no offense," he raised his hand in defense. "Loki I have mjolnir, an equal in weaponry to Gungnir. I have the best chance at defeating him, I don't want you taking him head on."

"Thor, Sigyn was my wife," Loki pretended to fight Thor on the subject. "And Nari was my daughter! Vengeance belongs to me." He spat, clenching his fist around his cup to add to the effect.

"Loki, please!" Thor turned to grip at his brothers shoulders and Loki resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Oh, look, we're feeling something strongly again. What should we do? Let's grab something! "Let me protect you! Let me do my job as your older brother for once! Please let me do this for you. I want you safe."

Guilt struck through Loki's lungs like a lance, but he refused to let it influence his previous made decision. He knew it would be cruel to do this to Thor… and he knew it was probably selfish…. But Thor would eventually recover if he lost Loki. He had Jane and a little baby girl who was going to grow up to be heir of the throne someday. He had a future. Loki had just left his only piece of future with the elves.

Yes, it was cruel to do this to Thor. yes, it would most likely break his heart… But if Loki lost Thor… he had nothing left to live for anyways. No one in the world left to love. Alannah was better off with a real family to love her and support her. No, he wouldn't survive losing Thor… but Thor would be wounded, but not fallen. He would survive.

After a long time pretending to wrestle with the idea he feigned a grudging acceptance and finally said,

"Fine, you can take the West, I'll go to the East in case he changes it up. On the off chance…" he added bitterly.

Thor nodded with satisfaction and Loki felt that guilt slick his stomach again at the look of triumph on his brother's face. Heimdall was watching. He was bound to the King. He would inform Odin of the plot and Odin-predictably enough- would go after Loki. He'd find a non-lethal solution for Thor, if at all possible, and immediately head for Loki to terminate him.

The trap was set. Ironically enough, Loki was the bait to his own trap.

"What time do we leave tomorrow?" Sif asked tonelessly, no doubt having figured out what Loki was doing. She was always the clever one. Like Sigyn.

You know what, Sif? A voice snarked in the back of his head, I know I'm a terrible person and a two faced liar. Thanks for reminding me of the obvious. Really needed that dash of oh so helpful scorning of my character.

"Day break." he said. "It will take us the morning to make it down the mountain pass by the river."

The others nodded agreeably and Fandral feigned an exaggerated yawn, "Well, I think all that sceming's worn a few of us out…" he nudged Volstagg to snapped awake with a,

"Wha! I wassn'sleepn. '"

"What was the last that you heard?" Loki rolled his eyes. He probably should give Volstagg a break of all of them. Fathering six children, three of whom had violent night terrors was a fairly decent excuse for being drowsy.

"Uh, we're helping citizens through the South entrance?" Volstagg guessed.

"Yeah, that's pretty much it." Fandral shrugged, stretching himself out like a cat. "The rest was just the princes playing pecking order again."

"Oh?" Volstagg gave a sleepy grin, "Who won this time?"

"Thor, of course." Fandral pushed his sleeping roll out with the head by the fire.

Sif's gaze finally met Loki's and he was surprised at how sad it was. He frowned and she just shook her head with a small smile.

"Oh, be a better sport about it, lad." Volstagg chuckled at Loki's frown, thinking it was for the quarrel that he had supposedly lost. "He always wins, you might as well just accept it."

Loki rolled his eyes and pretended to brood a bit before asking,

"Did anyone bring me armor?"

Sif gestured to a pack that Thor grabbed and handed to Loki who sorted through it to make sure everything was in order. His mother's short swords were in there as well and he fingered their dusty blue hilts nostalgically before glancing up at Sif and his brother in confusion.

"You're trained just as well with double swords." Thor shrugged.

"And you didn't honestly think we'd let you go into this one with your tiny little daggers, did you?" Sif rolled her eyes stabbing a charcoal log with the stick in her hand aggressively. She was anxious… probably his fault. He was the reason her best friend was dead and was probably going to break her next best friend's, Thor's , heart tomorrow. Yeah. Definitely his fault.

"My 'tiny little daggers' have served me perfectly well thus far." Loki rolled his eyes, but nodded in thanks to the Goddess of War anyways.

He got a jerky nod in return but she was back to avoiding his gaze. Volstagg and Thor were already stretched out on their mats, snoring, but Fandral frowned at the exchange between Mischief and War and opened his mouth to inquire when Sif and Loki simultaneously said,

"Good night." and turned away from the fire to roll into their wraps with their back to the conscious blonde.

Fandral redoubled his frown and did a double take… but after their breathing softened and deepened in feigned- he knew they were faking, it was Sif and Loki, they always did that when they weren't interested in speaking on a matter further- he decided to give up. He trusted Loki about as far as he could throw him, but he trusted Sif with his life, and he knew she wouldn't be in conspiracy with Loki over something truly dangerous. He gave a disappointed and neglected huff though, that he wasn't in on it and threw himself back onto his mat next to Volstagg who snored like a bilgesnipe. Better that Thor though. The Thunderer could snore like no one else sometimes.

********THOR********

Thor woke up in the middle of the night when the stars of the Realms were brightest and the air hada crisp chill to it. The fire was fresh surprisingly, and as he rolled over to see who was tending to it, he noticed Loki was not on his mat. Thor bolted upright, heart hammering in his ribcage like mjolnir as he searched for his brother. He had just gotten him back! He could not lose him now!

Loki wasn't in the campsite at all. Thor surged to his feet and groped around for his cloak.

"Thor." He heard Sif murmur, he snapped back around and finally registered that it was she who was tending to the fire. She wordlessly pointed to the rim of the crest where the lean silhouette of his brother could be seen leaning against a large boulder. Thor let out a relieved sigh and felt his shoulders drop. Loki was fine. Just an insomniac. He knew that. Honestly, why was he so easily spooked these days?

"Thank you," He murmured to the warrior maiden who just shrugged and went back to tending the fire. He frowned. She was exceptionally quiet recently. Then again it was only 2 or 3 in the morning, he shouldn't expect her to be chattering, should he?

He brushed off the concern, making a mental note to check in with her before they left the mountains and set of to find a ledge to start his climb up to Loki. It was a steep climb, but then again, Loki liked to climb. Thor prefered to fly, personally, but Loki had prefered to climb since before he could walk. He remembered being send on solo missions by their mother to fetch Loki down from some high place that was too difficult or small for an adult to navigate. It wasn't because Loki couldn't climb down, it was just that he wouldn't. He liked to find a perch and then just sit there and watch life carry on beneath him or the stars rotate in the sky above him.

He was looking up at the stars this time, when Thor finally summited and eased over to sit next to him on the ledge. Loki glanced back at him quickly but looked away just as rapidly. Probably to hide tears. How funny… no it wasn't exactly funny… but neither was it strange… how interesting, then, it was that Thor sought people out to grieve and Loki climbed as far away as he could from people to grieve.

Thor didn't say anything, he just sat on the ridge, shoulder brushing his brothers and feet dangling into the inky valley beneath them. Thor looked down at the ground. Loki looked up at the stars.

He thought of many things to say… small things like, did you know they have characters in Midgardian movies named 'skywalker'? I thought it funny. I think this George Lucas was borrowing from the myths about you. Or serious things like, thank you for saving my wife and daughter… I can not thank you enough. I wish I had been able to save yours. Or bittersweet things like, Do you remember how Nari used to say my name?

But even thinking such things stilled his tongue. He couldn't find words to say… and figured that he would only make things worse if he did. Perhaps simply sitting here on the ridge with his brother would be a small comfort?

Eventually Thor ended up falling into a valley of memories himself. He remembered Loki escorting Sigyn to breakfast while they were still newlyweds, how he seemed to step around her as though on glass and how she would flinch away from everyone who spoke to her, including her new husband. She had heard stories all growing up about the brutish ways of the Aesir and was terrified to be married to one. Ironically enough, she had married one of the gentlest ones… back then the most harm Loki would do was an unharmful prank. Loki was nearly as dangerous a foe as Thor now, even, perhaps, crueler and sharper… but he couldn't help but wonder if that hurt Loki as much as it did those around him. It wasn't his natural state.

He remembered Loki leaving training early to take Sigyn for walks through the garden and finding his brother skipping his mathematic lessons (which was unheard of) in the library, devouring literature on love, falling in it, and how to master it. Thor had laughed at him then, but a part of him had always admired Loki's endeavor. He'd found himself married to a complete stranger who hated and feared him, but instead of take it personally he'd studied it like it was an equation with an answer and strove to find a way to fall in love with his wife and make himself lovable to her.

Thor also remembered breakfasts when Loki and Sigyn and come in hand in hand with smiles and quiet whispers for eachother. He remembered finding them in the library, curled up next to each other with their books pushed to the side as they slept in eachothers arms. He had thought it almost romantic… for intellectual freaks. ANd he'd jokingly told Loki so. Loki had pretended to be angry and they'd wrestled lie boys again for a while, but when they lay side by side on the sparring mat staring up at the painted ceilings Loki had given a breathless laugh and said,

"Do you know how unbelievably lucky I was Thor? I mean of all the women in the nine realms I got to marry her! She likes books and riding, and sketching flowers and archery. I mean… how do you even find a woman like that? And I found her after I married her! How lucky am I?" He'd closed his eyes with a sweet smile and Thor had waited for a moment just letting that sink in.

Thor had had many romances in his life thus far… but he'd never considered marriage. Loki had been to caught up in books and stars to look at women before this… and yet his brother was right. He was lucky. Sigyn was his match. She shared some of his interests and balanced others out with her separate ones. She was sweet and shy, but fierce and just. Loki had been cunning and sly, but gentle and considerate. She brought out things in his brother people had never seen before.

Thor had decided right then and there that he would not marry, until he found someone who matched him like Sigyn matched Loki. Even Odin had started worrying when Thor continually started relationships but never finished them. But Thor was patient. He had a long time to wait to find the right person. It wasn't until he met Jane that he was certain he'd found a woman who could balance him like Loki's wife had done for him. He had never told Loki that he'd taught him such a valuable lesson just by his example, and he wondered if he should now.

But then came the thought of little Nari and seeing her toddle across the room to him, pudgy little fingers outstretched for her 'Unka Tor'. He swallowed hard and his tongue remained silent. He found a rock to grab and fidget with.

Nari, with her father's inky black curls and mother's brilliant blue eyes. Nari, who would give a delighted little squeal when Loki swooped her off the floor and spun around the room with her, or how he would press kissed to the dimples on her shoulders every time he could see them. Nari, who had frightened all of them with her extreme power even as a toddler… everyone but Loki who had put his foot down and insisted that Sigyn and he could handle it; that he would teach her and all the rest of the family need do was just love her. They had raised Thor before, Loki had pointed out. Thor who used to electrocute his little brother on accident when he got to excited. Nari's magic was no different a power.

And to think that Odin had killed her for it. That little dark haird child who had tiny pudgy fingers and a giggle that sounded like the tingling of little bells. Thor crushed the rock in his hand to powder. And to think Loki might think he'd take the murderer's side. Odin was no father of his if he had no qualms even for murdering his own granddaughter.

"I'm sorry, Thor." Loki whispered into the cold starry night. "I'm so sorry." Tears shone in his brother's eyes, still trained on the sky above them. "For Jotunheim, and New Mexico and the Bifrost, and your coronation, and Midgard, and New York and Germany, and-"His brother's voice was shaking and it terrified Thor. "-and I was jealous of you as a child, and I'm sorry… and for lying to you and for deceiving you and for not telling you- everything." Loki bit his lip and his tears finally spilled over his eyes and down his cheeks. He looked away from Thor again to hide his weakness.

Thor teared up himself, because why not. He was just blubbering like a baby most of the time now, why break a perfectly good record?

"What about that time when you turned yourself into a snake-"

"-and then shifted back to stab you?" Loki laughed through the tears. It was a laugh that half bordered hysteria, but it was a laugh. "No," he chuckled, "I'm not sorry for that. That was hilarious."

"Well then I'm not sorry for teasing you before your wedding night." Thor teased back.

"Then I'm not sorry for calling you an idiot in front of the ambassador from Aflehim!" Loki shot back.

"I'm not sorry for stealing your clothes after bath when we were boys."

"It was you!" Loki gasped with a grin as wide as the sky above them that still glittered in tears but was honest and mirthful. "I still thought it was Fandral all these years! Ha! Confession caught!"

Thor chuckled and nudged Loki with his shoulder as he murmured,

"All is forgiven… do you forgive me?"

"Thor…" Loki's smile dropped. "Don't … you don't want to forgive me for… everything."

"Yes I do." Thor nodded firmly. "I forgive you Loki. For everything. Will you forgive me?"

Loki looked a bit lost. He had this dazed look on his face as though he couldn't quite comprehend how he could possibly be forgiven.

"Yes… of course.. Of course I forgive you Thor…?" He still looked uncertain and confused.

Part of it broke Thor's heart and the other part warmed the broken pieces. He wrapped his arm about Loki's shoulder and let his head rest against his brother's. Finally he titled his gaze up to look at the stars with Loki in the silence again.

He didn't know what his wife and his brother saw in the lights in the sky, but he looked and he waited. Someday… he knew the mystery of the stars would be revealed to him as well.

For now he was just grateful to have his brother by his side again.