New chapter! I Hope you all enjoy, I really liked writing this chapter.
If anyone has any questions about this chapter, please message me and I'll be happy to answer them. If you're a little confused, I'll explain to you why Santana acted the way she did in this chapter and why I added it in.
Why am I doing this? Why am I here?
"William is my grandson, he's a good little boy," the grandmother says. "Well, he's a good man, he's all grown up now, he doesn't need me anymore." She laughs.
I'm currently sitting in the living room of Alison Schuester, Mr. Schuester's grandmother. She's showing me pictures of him growing up. He looked so different back then. He was a cute baby, a little devil by the looks of it. I think I'm just torturing myself. I suppose I deserve it.
"Did you raise him?" I ask her softly.
Mrs. Schuester nods her head. "Oh yes, he was always with me," she says, looking through some of the pictures and smiling. "His parents never had time for him, they were always leaving him with me. Sometimes he would stay with me for months. In the end he didn't want to go home."
"You have a lovely home, judging by all of the pictures, I'd say you've done a pretty good job with him," I tell her.
"Yes," Mrs. Schuester says quietly. "I just wish he'd come back to me, he knows I don't like it when he disappears. I bet he's left the country."
I frown at the woman. She doesn't think he's dead, she just thinks he's went somewhere. "Mrs. Schuester, your grandson has been reported missing, the cops think..." I can't seem to find the right words.
"I know," she says quickly. "I hear what people say about my grandson, I see the look in their eyes when I walk down the street. They think he's not coming back, but I know different. One day he will, mark my words, he'll come home."
My heart breaks for the old woman. "What makes you think he's coming home?" I ask her.
Tears form in Mrs. Schuester's eyes. She quickly wipes them away. "Because he's my grandson and I remember holding him in my arms the day he was born. I remember raising him, learning him how to walk and talk." She stops for a moment, holding back the tears. "He has to come home, my baby can't be gone, he's only young." She cries.
Coming here was a mistake. I feel even worse than before.
"Mrs. Schuester, I just want to tell you that I'm sorry, so sorry, for everything," I whisper to the trembling woman.
"None of this is your fault, dear," Mrs. Schuester says. Oh, if only she knew. "I'm just grateful for you kids, coming out here and putting up all of those posters. I'm glad you all care about my grandson.
I nod my head, but that's not the reason I'm here. I needed to get to know Mrs. Schuester. I had to see if she was okay. I murdered her grandson, I had to come here.
"The coffees ready," Mercedes says as she enters the living room with 2 cups of coffee in her hand. Tina following behind her. Mrs. Schuester accepts the coffee and thanks the girls. "So, we just want to inform you about the progress we've made. More posters have been printed and there's one on nearly every street in Lima." Mercedes says.
"We're also going door to door asking people if they've seen Mr. Schuester," Tina says as she takes a seat on one of the couches.
"That's great, I'm really happy with that," Mrs. Schuester says. "What other news have you got to tell me?" She asks.
"So much!" Tina exclaims. "Mr. Hanson from down the road is..." Tina trails off.
I don't listen to much more. I just can't take it. Looking out of the window is making me feel sad. He grew up here, this was his life, and I destroyed it. The couch that I'm sitting on is the couch he apparently always slept on. There's a stain on the carpet because of something he did years ago. There's a swing in the yard which he made. Mrs. Schuester told me she used to sit by the window and watch him play. He loved playing outside. I just can't believe I took all of this away from him.
The guilt is killing me.
"Santana, it's time to go," Mercedes says, snapping me out of my thoughts. I didn't realize how much time had went by.
"Yes, okay," I say, clearing my throat as I stand up. "Goodbye Mrs. Schuester," I say, unable to look the old woman in the eye.
When we get outside I quickly run to the car. I need to escape from all of this. I don't want to be here for a minute longer. Tina and Mercedes seem to be taking there time, they could happily sit with Mrs. Schuester all day and night. But then again, they didn't murder her grandson. I did.
"Thank you for coming with us," Mercedes says when her and Tina get in the car. She quickly starts the engine and pulls away. "I'm surprised when I got a text, I didn't think you would want to visit Mrs. Schuester."
I shrug my shoulders. "I just wanted to see her," I tell them. "I can't imagine what she must be going through," I lie. Clearly I can imagine what she's going through. She must be in hell right now. "Thanks for letting me come with you guys," I add, knowing Brittany warned me to be on my best behaviour.
"Brittany said she would be pissed if we didn't let you come. We didn't have much of a choice," Tina shrugs.
That's my girl.
It's the first day back to school today, and I'm nervous as hell. I'm back wearing my cheerios uniform, it feels weird. I don't think I suit it. Lexi's downstairs waiting for me, but I can't seem to move. I don't want to go back, I just want to be done with school. At least I'll get to see Brittany today. She was busy all weekend.
"Santana, hurry up!" Lexi shouts up the stairs. I roll my eyes at my friend. Why does she desperately want to go back to that shit place?
"I'm coming," I shout back.
I hear Lexi laugh. How immature. I didn't mean it like that.
The drive to school is long and painful. I can't stop thinking about what's going to happen today. Me and Brittany are very much together, and I want everyone to know how much I love her. There's only one problem. I don't want her to be bullied. I know how cruel some people can be, and my love gets bullied already. I don't want to add to the bullying. Still, we agreed to move forward, no more hiding. I'm proud to be with her. I'm like the luckiest girl alive. I also want everyone to know who Brittany belongs to. That's right, me.
"So, are you looking forward to cheerios practice?" Lexi asks me when the car approaches the school.
I gulp nervously, shaking my head. "I don't even want to be a cheerleader, I just want to spend my last few months being normal," I reply.
"Being normal?" Lexi questions, raising her eyebrows.
"Yeah," I shrug my shoulders. "I just want...to spend time with my girlfriend. I don't want to be on the cheerios or anything. I wish I could just drop out."
"Well, you can't," Lexi says, pulling into the parking lot. "You heard what coach Sylvester said, 'no dropping out'. Besides, it's not that bad. I actually love it."
"I'm not you, Lexi," I mumble. As soon as Lexi parks the car I jump out and slam the door. I hurry over to the school, ignoring my friends voice. I think I've pissed Lexi off. I shouldn't have slammed the car door. Oh well, she can kill me later.
Brittany's in Glee club right now. Once again the guilt comes running back to me. I'm such an idiot. I quickly make my way to the choir room, trying desperately to ignore everyone. It's not like I have time to speak, I need to find Brittany.
"Santana, oh my god it's actually you!" I snap my head around when I feel a hand on my shoulder. I glare at the girl in front of me.
"Donna," I hiss, clenching my fists.
"How have you been? Did you have a nice Christmas? I bet you did! What did you get? Oh! Don't tell me, let me guess!" Donna says cheerfully.
How dare she talk to me. She's the one. She's the bitch who attacked my Brittany. I know she's one of the girls who beat my love up. How dare she talk to me!"Get out of my sight," I spit, warning her off.
"W-what?" She stutters.
I promised Brittany I wouldn't hurt her. I promised I wouldn't go anywhere near them. I thought I could keep that promise, until now. It's difficult for me to stand here and not do anything, especially when I know how much they hurt my love. They put her in hospital. How can I just stand here and do nothing? One punch in the stomach wouldn't harm her, right? Oh, I could just kick her once, just so she's in a little pain. That's nothing compared to what she did to my girlfriend. Brittany wouldn't be happy, though. She'd hate me. The promise would be broken.
Maybe I should just walk away.
Maybe I'll drop kick her, then I'll walk away.
Don't be stupid, just walk away!
Okay, I'm walking away.
Guess what? I walked away. I can hear her voice calling me, but I'm completely ignoring her. She's a waste of space who doesn't deserve my time. When I turn the corner I find myself smiling, I actually did it, I walked away without anyone getting hurt. See, I'm a different person now. I can control myself unlike before. I think Brittany will be proud of me when she finds out. Maybe I'll even get lots of sweet lady kisses.
Before entering the choir room I look through the small window, just to see what's going on inside. This reminds me of all the other times I looked through the window. Oh, how things were different back then. Those were the days when Brittany didn't know I even existed. I've come a long way when you think about it. It's great to know that I can just walk through the door and everything's normal.
I open the choir room door and immediately see Brittany sitting in her usual seat. I make my way over to her and she smiles widely when her eyes meet mine.
"Hey," Brittany says happily as she reaches out for my hand.
"Hey," I reply, quickly sitting down next to her before anyone can steal my seat. "The bell should be ringing shortly, I was just wondering if you'd let me walk you to class?" Please say yes.
"I'd like that," Brittany smiles.
Just as I'm about to reply, Mercedes approaches me. "Santana, you're on the cheerios, we were wondering if you would help us out a little," she says.
I frown. What the hell does she want me to do? I hate the cheerios. "What do you want?" I ask.
Mercedes holds up a piece of paper. "Signatures," she says. "It's a petition, we figured if we got enough signatures we could take it to the police station and force them to do more about Mr. Schuester's disappearance. It's clear that they've given up, we wont."
Of fuck.
"I-I don't think that's a good idea," I say, hoping she will just piss off out of my sight.
"Why?" Brittany asks, hitting me on the arm. Oh great, now Brittany's pissed with me.
"I just don't think they're bothered about where he is, what he's doing...whatever. It's a waste of time, they wont sign it." I tell them both.
"Don't do this," Brittany begs, glaring at me. "Just try, that's all we want. Please, Santana."
How could I possibly say no now?
"Fine," I huff. Mercedes smiles widely and hands me the sheet of paper with a couple of names on. I can't believe I've let Mercedes drag me into this. I don't want to be involved, it's killing me.
"Thank you," Brittany whispers when Mercedes walks away, leaving me and my love alone.
I shake my head at her. "Don't thank me," I reply. I'm in a bit of a mood now. "I don't see the point in this, aren't the cops doing enough already?" I ask.
Brittany sighs. "They aren't doing anything," she tells me. That's a good thing, I don't want them getting too close. "We need their help, we can't do this without them. This petition is a really good idea, I'm really surprised by your attitude towards this."
"I just don't see the point, Brittany." I whisper in my loves ear, hoping no one can overhear our conversation. "Why can't everyone just move on? Mr. Schuester's probably living in a different country sipping on a glass of wine right now," I lie. He's dead.
Brittany glares at me. "Tell me this," she says in a angry voice. "If I were to go missing one day, would you ever give up looking for me?"
"Never in a million years," I say quickly. I don't even need to think about that. I would never give up looking. I'd look for her until the day I died. "T-this is completely different though," I tell her.
"How is this different?" She asks.
I can't help but laugh. How can she think this is similar? "I'm in love with you, Brittany. Of course I would never stop looking for you. Mr. Schuester is a teacher I barely know, you can't compare it."
"That's true," Brittany says, still glaring at me. "But we both know that Mr. Schuester has people in his life who are very worried about him. I don't care if you don't like him, Santana. He's still a person, we should never give up looking for him."
"What? So for the rest of your life you're going to be like fucking Dora the explorer searching high and low for-"
"What the hell are you talking about?!" Brittany snaps, surprising me. "I can't believe how damn selfish you're being right now, Santana!" She shouts, causing everyone to turn around and stare at us.
"Brittany, I'm sorry, please sit down," I say quietly, trying to calm my love.
"No," Brittany says bluntly, shaking her head furiously. "I'm going to the bathroom, then I'm going to class, don't you dare follow me," she hisses.
"Brittany," I say quickly, hoping my love wont leave, but I'm too late, she's already out of the choir room. My lips quiver as I'm about to cry, but I can't let the tears fall. Everyone is staring at me, they'll laugh if they see me crying.
"What's going on?" Tina asks.
I shake my head and stand up, I have to get out of this room. Once I'm out of the choir room, I run down the hallway and don't stop until I reach the changing room. The cheerios wont be in here for hours so I know I can cry safely in here. I sit down on one of the benches and bury my head in my hands, the tears now streaming down my face. I can't do this anymore, it hurts too much.
I don't leave the changing room for hours. I know I should have really went to class, but I just couldn't be bothered. It's not like anyone would miss me anyway. It's lunch time now and I'm pretty hungry so I decide to go to the cafeteria. I immediately see Brittany sitting down at a table surrounded by the rest of the Glee club. I sigh, knowing she's still pissed at me. It would be bad idea to go over and sit with her.
I look around for an empty table but I can't find one. Shit, I don't know what to do. I could sit with the cheerios if I wanted, after all I have been sitting with them for years. But there's a problem, they're all bullies. They beat up my love, and I think sitting with them would piss me off too much. Not to mention it would probably break Brittany's heart. I know she would be devastated. It would be like I'm taking their side or something. I would never do that to her.
Still, I have to sit somewhere.
Don't go over there, the voice in my head warns me.
Where else can I sit?
Anywhere, just not over there. Brittany wont forgive you for that.
I nod my head, that's right, I must not go over there. I'm too good to sit with the cheerios. I look around the cafeteria again, and then I see a spare seat. I quickly make my way over to the table in the corner. It's only when I sit down that I realize whose table I am on. I look up to find a very familiar face.
Chad.
The guy who tried to steal my love away from me. The guy who I threatened and the guy who-
"W-what do you want?" Chad stutters. I look at the scared boy in front of me. Wow, I really scare him that much? I threatened him in ages ago. I thought he'd be over it by now.
"I needed to sit somewhere, so I decided to come over here," I reply.
"Why here?" He asks. By the way he's staring at me, it looks like he doesn't trust me. I'm assuming he thinks I'm going to do something to him. He doesn't have to worry about anything, I'm not going to hurt him. He's no threat to me.
Oh my god, I've actually said it. 'He's no threat to me.'
Wait a minute, he isn't a threat to me, so why did I threaten him and everything? Am I just as bad as the cheerios. No...I can't be. I'm not like them! I don't beat people up. I only threaten to kill people, that's all.
"Can I ask you something?" I say hesitantly. I wait until he nods his head before continuing. "Have you ever had a crush on Brittany?"
He shakes his head. "No," he says quietly. "I've never liked her in that way."
That's a damn lie.
"Don't fucking lie to me!" I hiss.
Chad shakes his head furiously. "I swear I'm not lying to you. I've never been interested in her," he says.
I frown, that must be a lie, I know he was interested in my love. "But you were in love with her." I say.
Chad looks around the cafeteria. He seems confused. "What?" He says in disbelief. "Since when was I ever in love with her? I-I really have no idea what you're talking about."
I roll my eyes. "You had a crush on her!" I state.
"Since when?" He asks, starting to get annoyed.
This is unbelievable. He's fucking messing with me, I know he is. The ugly fucker is trying to play dumb with me. I'm not buying it though, I know what game he's trying to play. "On the first day you started McKinley, we were in maths class and you gave her your pen." I tell him.
Chad frowns. "So? What does that have to do with anything?
I roll my eyes. "You gave her your pen, you introduced yourself, you clearly had a crush on her," I say.
"I gave her my pen because she didn't have one. I introduced myself because I was the new kid and I wanted to make friends." He tells me. "All I wanted was to get through school with at least one friend. I didn't want to be bullied or anything," he says quietly.
"Who bullied you?" I ask. "You were only there for a day."
"Erm...you bullied me," he says quietly. "You said that I had to transfer school, and if I ever stepped foot back in the school you would kill me. You were pretty serious about it," he mumbles.
I really wasn't a nice person, was I? "I'm sorry," I say quickly. "That person wasn't me. Well, of course it was me but erm...I wasn't very well back then. I had a lot of problems if you know what I mean and-"
"It's okay," he says, interrupting me before I could finish my sentence.
I frown. How could it be okay?
"How can you forgive me?" I ask him. I don't deserve anything.
"You said you were sorry," he shrugs. "I don't care about what you did in the past, you've apologized so now you're forgiven." He says.
"It's that easy to forgive me?" I question.
He nods his head. "I don't hold grudges," he tells me.
This is insane. How could I be so fucking stupid? Chad isn't even a bad person, he's actually pretty good. I'm starting to think he would make a pretty awesome friend. Yet for some I threatened to kill him just because he gave Brittany his pen and introduced himself. There was also that encounter we had in the library, when I'm pretty sure I would have killed him had it not been for that old librarian lady. What sort of person was I? How long had it been going on for? How much other bad stuff had I done? Was there more people like Chad? I actually feel horrible now. I guess I didn't realize how bad I was until now. Maybe I've chased other people out of the school.
"Thank you," I whisper, a smile appearing on my face. "Have you made any friends yet?" I ask.
He shakes his head. "I still don't have anyone," he says.
I actually feel sorry for him now. It's probably all my fault he doesn't have friends. "Well," I start, clearing my throat. "If you want, we could be erm...you know, that thing, well...friends," I say quietly. This is not something I normally do.
"Really?" He asks.
I nod my head and laugh. "Yeah," I say. I wouldn't mind being friends with him.
If Chad can forgive me, maybe other people will. Maybe people will stop seeing me as such a bitch.
"Hey," I hear a familiar voice say. I know who it is immediately, it's my love. She's here, standing beside me. Has she forgiven me?
"Hi," I reply, smiling.
"Why are you over here?" Brittany asks, staring between me and Chad.
Wait a minute, is Brittany jealous?
This has never happened before. Brittany has never been jealous of anyone I have talked to. It's always been the other way around. I've always been the one to have a problem with whoever Brittany got close to. This is new, this is something different.
"I'm just talking to my friend, we're thinking of hanging out sometime," I tell her. Okay, maybe I should have just told the truth, but there's nothing with messing with her a bit. After all, she is jealous...
"What?" Brittany says, glaring at me.
"Chad's actually pretty cool," I tell her. "I don't know why I was so mean to him, he's good company."
Brittany's face right now is priceless. I'm trying not to smirk too much. "Santana," Brittany says quickly, clearing her throat. "Can I speak to you in private, please?" She asks, her eyes never leaving mine.
"I thought you were mad at me?" I ask, raising my eyebrows.
"Santana, now," she snaps.
Okay, I need to stop messing with her now. I can tell she's getting pissed off. Still jealous I see...
"I'll be right back," I tell Chad as I smile at him. Brittany pulls me up and walks out of the cafeteria. I quickly follow her. "I'm sorry, I was just messing with you a little bit because-"
"What are you playing at?" Brittany asks me when we stand alone in the bathroom.
I shake my head, I'm not playing at anything. "Brittany, you don't have to worry about anything," I tell her honestly. Brittany laughs and I'm pretty sure she's being sarcastic. "I'm completely yours." I try to grab her hands but she pulls away.
"Oh, really?" She frowns, shaking her head. "I don't have anything to worry about, huh? So you and him hanging out is completely innocent?"
She knows I would never cheat on her. "Brittany, I just said that because I-I thought you were jealous and you never get jealous because I'm always the one to get jealous and-"
"Breathe, Santana," she reminds me.
I sigh. "I said it because I'm stupid, it really didn't mean anything, I'm yours." I tell her.
"Where have you been all day? You missed class and none of us could find you," Brittany says, running her fingers through her hair. Before I can reply, Brittany continues. "Why are you skipping classes?" She asks.
"I just needed some time to myself, I wont do it again," I tell her. "What's the big deal? It's only a couple of classes, it's not like I'm missing out on much," I mumble.
Brittany glares at me, I have a feeling I've pissed her off even more. "Santana, don't say that," she hisses. "We've talked about going to college together, and for some reason I can't see that happening if you don't show up to class."
"I'm not making a habit of it, I just needed time, that's all." I say.
"So, you're going to class after lunch?" She asks.
I shrug my shoulders. "Maybe, I don't know."
"What?" Brittany frowns.
"I don't really care about class, I'm not like you," I tell her.
"What's happened to you?" Brittany asks quietly. "What happened to my Santana?"
Nothing, I'm still here. "I'm still me," I tell her. Brittany doesn't sound too convinced, though. "There's more important things going on right now, school doesn't even compare to it."
"What does that even mean?" Brittany asks, tears forming in her eyes.
I'm about to step forward and comfort Brittany when something catches my eye. She has that petition form in her hands. The form with signatures on which they're going to take to the cops. The form which could potentially lead to the whereabouts of William Schuester. Fuck, if the cops start looking again then I'm screwed. They'll find his body sooner of later, or worse, they'll find me.
I'll spend the rest of my life in prison. I'll lose Brittany forever. This can't be happening.
"Santana, what's wrong?" Brittany asks when I don't say anything.
The anger builds up inside of me. I can't lose her, I just can't! "Why can't you just stop looking for Mr. Schuester?!" I snap, startling my love. "Is it really that important to find him? Can't you see that it's completely ruining us?!"
"You're being selfish again!" Brittany argues back. I'm not being selfish, I just don't want to go to prison. Why can't she see that? "We're not giving up on him, Santana. He's out there and we're going to find him."
They'll find him, and my life will be over.
"Just fucking stop!" I shout. "I'm sick of hearing about that man! I'm just fucking sick of it!"
"Why does it bother you so much?" Brittany asks after minutes of silence. Oh, if only she knew why it bothered me. "He isn't just a teacher to us, he's like a friend. We all love him and he's done so much for us. We just want to know if he's okay. Please understand that."
"Please understand why I can't understand," I reply. I hope that makes sense.
"Well I can't understand," Brittany says, crossing her arms against her chest. "I can't understand why you have a problem with this. I thought you would at least try to help us."
I shake my head. "I-I never liked the man," I tell her.
"So?" Brittany questions. "He's missing, Santana. Whether you like him or not is besides the point."
I can't deal with this.
"I can't be here, I'm just going to go," I say quickly, turning my back on the love of my life as I leave the bathroom.
"Jesus Christ, what has happened to you?" Brittany asks. I stand still for a moment, not knowing what to say. I turn my head so I'm facing Brittany. "The old Santana would never have walked away. Y-you would never have shouted at me and you would never have upset me like this," she cries.
My heart breaks at the sight. I'm still that girl, I'm still her. The only difference is, I'm a murderer now, and I've finally accepted what I have done.
But I can't tell Brittany that, I can't risk losing her, so instead, I say something else.
"The Brittany I knew would never have gotten contact lenses."
"What?" Brittany frowns.
"You're not wearing your glasses," I say quietly, not bothering to look back as I leave the bathroom.
I don't end up going to class, I just want to be alone right now. I've always thought about college, and spending my college years with Brittany, but now none of that matters. If Mr. Schuester is found, and my secret is discovered, I wont be going to college, I wont be doing anything. My relationship with Brittany will be over, and thinking about it breaks my heart. I always thought about the possibility of Mr. Schuester being found, but the Glee club are doing so much now, it's only a matter of time before there's a huge search party. Lima isn't huge, they'll no doubt find him.
I feel completely numb right now. I love Brittany for what she's doing, but I hate her at the same time. I never thought I would say that, but it's true. She's the reason I could end up in prison. She's the reason I killed him in the first play. Fuck, this is all messed up. But I shouldn't blame her, she's just doing what she thinks is right. But it's not right, it's wrong, she's practically giving me to the cops
Thinking too much has gave me a headache. Great, that's just what I need right now. Walking the hallways isn't much fun, it's depressing, and actually pretty boring. I end up having a little nap in the changing rooms, that helps a little bit. When I wake up I realize the bell has already went, and it's now time for cheerios practice. I can't be bothered with that either, but I have to do it, coach Sue will kill me if I don't.
Kill, I hate that word now. Whenever I use that word I seem to be pretty serious about it.
"Santana, are you okay?" Lexi asks me when I sit up on the bench, yawning. I could have slept for longer. "Have you been here long? You look like you've been-"
"Sleeping?" I ask, finishing her sentence. Lexi nods her head. "I have been sleeping, I didn't want to go to class." I tell her.
"Why not?" She asks.
"Because," I shrug, fixing my hair. "I didn't want to go to class, so I skipped it."
"Okay..." She says quietly. "The house is all yours tonight, I'm going to a party so I'll be gone for most of the night. If you want you could invite Brittany over? You could watch some movies, order in, do whatever." She says.
For some reason I don't think me and Brittany will be hanging out tonight. "Who's having a party?" I ask, watching as other cheerleaders begin to pile into the changing room. God I hate them.
Lexi opens her locker and quickly changes her shoes. "His name is Danny," Lexi says. "He's in college, I met him a while ago and yesterday he asked if I wanted to go to the party tonight. There's loads of us going, it should be fun."
"Great, count me in," I smile.
Lexi snaps her head towards me, I don't think she expected that reply. I never went to party's, they never seemed to interest me. I was always too obsessed with Brittany. I always preferred spending my nights following Brittany and staring through her window. I wasn't a huge alcohol lover either. How could I watch Brittany if I were too drunk to even see her?
That's not me anymore, though. I wont be spending the night with Brittany so I figure I should go to the party. Who knows, maybe I'll end up having a good time. I'm sick of everything, and I'm pretty depressed, why not having some fucking alcohol? It's not like anyone can stop me.
Lexi walks over to me and sits down on the bench. She places her hand on my knee. "Santana, I don't think that's a good idea," she says quietly.
I smirk at her, why isn't that a good idea? "I think it's a perfect idea," I tell her. "Remember what you used to always say, Lexi? 'Come partying, stop being an idiot', those were your exact words. So, this is me, and I'm coming to this party."
Lexi seems surprised, my mouth drops. "Santana..."
"It's a fucking party, what's the big deal? Am I not allowed to live or something?" I hiss. I'll probably be in prison soon anyway's.
"This isn't you," Lexi whispers.
"Blah blah blah!" I reply, not sure what I'm saying exactly. "I want to get fucking drunk, what's the crime in that?"
"Brittany wont like this, you know she wont," Lexi says quietly as she attempts to knock some sense into me. I shrug my shoulders, so what? "Santana, has something happened? You're acting really weird and it's scaring me."
"How am I acting weird?" I laugh.
"You don't seem to care about anything...not even, n-not even your girlfriend," she says.
I look around the changing room to make sure no one is listening to our conversation. When I'm pretty sure we're safe, I lean closer to Lexi. "Did you know she doesn't where glasses anymore?" I whisper in her ear. Lexi frowns at me. "She was wearing contact lenses earlier," I add.
"Santana, does that matter?" Lexi asks.
I snap my head towards her. "I don't like change," I say quickly.
"Well...sometimes change is a good thing, you're a prime example of that," Lexi says.
Have I really changed?
"I'm going to warm up, I'll see you on the field," I smile at my friend before standing up and leaving the changing room.
"She's acting really weird," I hear Lexi saying to someone on the phone. "Brittany, I don't know what the hell you have done but whatever it is, she's just, different!" Oh, so it's my love she's talking to.
I'm currently standing at the top of the landing, listening to Lexi's conversation. It's about me so I figure it's okay to listen. We're about to go to the party, apparently it's not that far away so we've decided to walk. I just hope these high heels don't hurt my feet. I'm wearing a black dress, it's winter but I don't care, at least I look hot. Lexi's wearing a dress too, a bright red dress. I wonder who she's trying to impress.
"I swear I haven't done anything, it's not like I persuaded her to come or anything!" Lexi hisses.
They're clearly talking about the party. Brittany really doesn't want me to go. Well guess what? I didn't want her to get contact lenses, but she got them. I actually loved her glasses, I don't know why she got rid of them, but it's really bothered me. She's always had glasses, always.
"Hey, don't cry," Lexi says. Oh no, Brittany's crying? "Listen, I'll look after her, don't you worry about anything, it's going to be okay. She's okay."
Am I really okay?
Instead of listening to more of their conversation, I retreat back to the spare bedroom I'm staying in. I slowly sit down on my bed and take a deep breath. She's upset. I'm upset. We're all upset. I just need to get through the night. I just need this guilt to go away.
A few minutes later me and Lexi are walking down the street with a bunch of people. Apparently they're all going to the party. At least we're not the only ones dressed like idiots. Lexi has her eyes on me, I think my love has had a word with her. Knowing Brittany, she's probably warned Lexi not to let me drink or something, which is ridiculous. Who doesn't drink at a party?I plan on drinking tonight. Maybe it will make me feel a little bit better. I hope it does. I just want to be able to smile. I like smiling.
The party is already in full swing by the time we arrive. There's a lot of drunk people here, and a lot of sluts by the looks of it. I can see two people having sex on the stairs, but I quickly direct my eyes away from them. I don't want to see that, it's gross. I grab Lexi's hand and drag her into the kitchen so we can get some alcohol. I'm in the mood for Vodka tonight. Lots of it!
"A-are you sure you want to drink?" Lexi asks me nervously.
I nod my head. "I haven't had a drink in a while," I shrug my shoulders.
"We were drinking on New years eve," Lexi reminds me. Oh, I remember, back when I was happy. Back when nobody was really looking for Mr. Schuester. Yes, I remember.
"You drink all the time," I argue.
"Yes, but there's a difference between me and you," Lexi says softly as she pours herself a cup of vodka and coke. She's poured quite a lot of vodka in the cup as well, but I'm not going to say anything.
"What's the difference?" I ask, taking a shot of vodka.
"Well, you know," Lexi says, as if I would know. I shake my head, not understanding, so Lexi continues. "You did just get out of a...mental institution," she says quietly. Does she really have to remind me?
"You have a bad arm," I remind her.
"It's actually better now," Lexi smiles, taking a sip of her drink. I don't think I'll ever forget how she got a bad arm. It was that one time she was perving on me and Brittany. She fell off the ladder. "You shouldn't even be here, Santana. I really wish I never mentioned it to you now, you're going to have me worrying all night."
"Yeah well, I'm going to dance, because I can," I tell her before taking the bottle of vodka and leaving the kitchen. I'm sure Lexi will find something that will keep her busy.
I end up dancing alone, which is good because I like dancing alone. I don't really like this type of music but I'm getting drunk, I'm smiling, and at the end of the day that's all I care about. I want to be happy. This is fun.
"Hey gorgeous, wanna go upstairs?" A blonde haired woman whispers in my ear as she wraps her arms around my waist. I smile for a moment before realizing something, she isn't my girlfriend. She's just some tramp.
I immediately freeze, she isn't my love so why is she dancing with me? Why does she have her arms around me? Why the fuck is she asking me to go upstairs?! I quickly turn around to face the bitch. "I'm in a relationship, I'm not looking for someone to fuck," I tell the woman with a sweet smile on my face.
"Suit yourself," the blonde haired woman mumbles before walking away.
Thank god that bitch has gone.
I drink, and I drink, until I can't drink anymore. I leave the party around 1am, just because I'm in the mood to do something else. I've already made a decision. As I stumble out of the house, my shoes nowhere in sight, I glance at the bench in the yard where I can see Lexi sitting down, holding a phone to her ear. I stop for a moment, wondering who she is talking to.
"I didn't mean to lose her!" She shouts down the phone. I think she's talking to Brittany, my Brittany. "She just walked off! I-I think she must be inside, having more drink or something." Then there is a pause. "Yeah, I think she's drunk."
Oh, Brittany's going to be mad at her.
"Don't be mad at me!" Lexi shouts defensively. "Yeah, well you shouldn't have took your glasses off!"
Yes, I agree with that. But I can't stop here. I don't want to be found tonight, I have something else I want to do. Something that I know will make me happy. I hurry down the street and away from the party. It feels so good to not be wearing shoes. I feel so...free!
After walking for 20 minutes, I finally reach my destination, home. Well, dads house. There's something in there I need.
I find the spare key and quickly open the door, falling straight on my face as I step inside. Ouch, that's going to hurt in the morning. La la la, it's Monday which means dad is on night shift, and that's a good thing. He'd call the cops if he knew I were here. He made it pretty clear that he didn't want to see me ever again, and that's okay, I think.
After stumbling up the stairs, I pull the ladder down and carefully make my way up to the attic. My secret is in there, hidden. I can't believe I forgot about this. How could I do such a thing?
Once inside the attic, I crawl across the floor as I don't trust myself enough to stand up. I'd probably fall over something and injure myself. I stop when I reach a locked box in the corner of the room. With a hammer, I break the lock and open the box. I look through the box and throw random things across the room. Why is there so much junk in here? It's just a waste of space really.
Then I find it, my hidden secret.
"My beauty, how could I ever forget about you?" I ask, holding the object in my hands. "I knew you would be safe up here, nobody could ever take you away from me." I whisper.
The smile never leaves my face as I make my way back downstairs and out of the house. I put the key back where I found it just in case dad realizes someone has been in the house. I don't want him to ever know that I was here. I then grab a pepperoni pizza while I'm on my way to Lexi's house. The night would never be complete without a pepperoni pizza.
I get back to Lexi's and immediately notice that I'm alone. Lexi's still at the party, she's probably searching for me. Oh well.
I make my way upstairs and into my room, locking the door behind me. Well, sealing myself in the room, just in case Lexi comes back. I don't want her to see me. I want to be alone. Completely alone.
I then get myself sorted. I feel happy to be doing this. I lied, the new me sucks. The new me is unhappy, why did I ever change? The old me didn't care about anything. I didn't care about Mr. Schuester, and I wasn't worried about what would happen to me. All I cared about was Brittany. I just want to go back. I just want to be guilt free. Is that such a bad thing?
Brittany was right, the old me would never shout at her. I would never walk away and I would never ever make her cry. The new me really hurt her, and I didn't like it. The new me cares about other people, and I don't like that either.
But I was right too. Brittany has changed. The old her would never have got rid of her glasses. The old her was different. I just want us both to go back. I want my love back. I only want to care about her.
Santana, don't do this. Don't go back to being that person, I tell myself.
But no. I hate guilt. I hate the new me. I hate the new Brittany. What if things get worse?
This can be a secret, no one will ever find out. I can be me again.
But Brittany hasn't changed? But wait, she has. She's got that petition. The petition that could send me to prison. The cops will start searching for him again if they see the petition. They'll find Schuester's body. I will be screwed. I can't let that happen. I can't!
I've made my decision. I know what I want to do.
I turn on the television and insert the video into the machine. I climb back into bed and take a bite of my pepperoni pizza. A moment later, Brittany's face appears on the screen. I smile when I see my love. I remember hiding in Brittany's yard as I took this video of her. They were having a little Birthday party, she's running around and having fun with her little brother. I watch as my love pushes her glasses back up her face. I love this video, it's always been one of my favorites, which is why it's always been hidden. I couldn't take the risk of keeping it in my room, which is why it's always been the attic, the one place no one goes.
I promised I wouldn't do this again, but I'm not harming anyone. There's nothing wrong with going back.
I feel my phone vibrating in my lap, I pause the video and open up the message. It's from Brittany.
FromBrittany: Santana, where are you? Please reply. Are you okay?
And for the first time in my life, I can't be bothered to reply. Instead, I throw my phone on the floor and continue watching the video of my love. It's better this way. This way I don't think too much. After all, who even wants to be sane?
Guilt, it's a horrible thing.