Episode 2x03: Lady of the Lake

Little Red Riding Hood raced through the Enchanted Forest of British Columbia at approximately Mach II. "It's good to be leggy!" she crowed.

She made her way to Snow White and Prince Charming's portable clubhouse, which was decorated with a large sign reading "No Parents Allowed." Inside, Snow and Charming were talking strategy with their trusty Cartoon All-Stars. "Okay," the quasi-prince began, "I've never been to military school or actually seen an army before today, but I believe in the power of positive thinking." He joined hands with his advisors. "Now repeat after me: we are going to win this thing. We deserve to win this thing. The negative forces of the cosmos have no power over us."

"Wrong!" Red interrupted. "Just a heads-up, guys—King George and his cronies are hurtling towards us as we speak, and worst of all, they have woodcutters with them!" She collapsed in abject despair. "It's all over now! We don't have a prayer!"

Charming folded his arms haughtily. "Red, I have bested a dragon, an evil witch, and a dragon-evil witch mash-up. Do you really think I'm going to run and hide from an elderly bald guy who wears a dress?"

"No, not him! He's got himself a new hitman! A dude called the Leviathan."

"The Leviathan?" Snow's face screwed up. "I don't get it, is he really fat or something?"

"No! It's supposed to be intimidating!" Red was getting ticked.

"Fine, fine, I'm quivering with fear," Snow said dutifully.

"I'm not," Charming denied stubbornly. Then an arrow slammed into the table in front of him, and he gave in. "All right, I'll quiver, I'll quiver!" he cried.

They ran from the clubhouse and found themselves face-to-face with the evil army du jour. "We should split up and divide them," Snow suggested.

"So we can fight the troops with superior numbers and equipment all alone?" Prince Charming raised his eyebrows. "What good will that do?"

"I don't know, but at least it'll make for some interesting stories," Snow pointed out.

"True," he conceded.

The villains were tapping their feet impatiently. "Can we attack yet?"

"Just give us one more minute, okay?" Charming requested politely. "Now, Snow, you must go on without me. You'll be safer that way. I know King George has a history of attempting to hurt me vicariously through you, but hopefully he won't be stupid enough to try it again." He kissed her goodbye. "Meet me at the cabin you've never visited and lack a map to."

Snow White gasped. "The cabin? Will She be there?"

Charming nodded. "I think it's time you met Her."

"Agreed," said Snow, "but before I go, can you tell me Her name so I don't have to keep referring to Her using capitalized pronouns?"

"I'm sorry, but that information has been classified for years now."

"Like mother, like son." Snow tousled her fiancé's hair affectionately.

"Aw, to hell with manners, this is taking forever!" a masked knight on horseback griped, charging the happy couple.

"Run, Snow! Save yourself!" Charming cried.

"Okay." Snow bolted without hesitation. Her man took off in the other direction, trying not to be disappointed.

However, as karma would have it, the knight ran after her, not Charming, braining her with a baseball bat. "Home run!" he gloated

"Where's a knight in shining armor when you need on?" Snow slurred grumpily.

"I'm right here," said the knight with a little wriggle of his fingers.

"It was just an expression," the princess snapped. "Why are you hiding behind that mask? Are you some kind of coward?"

"No, just trying to avoid blows to the face," he replied conversationally, nodding at the goose egg on her forehead. "A brand of cowardice you might want to consider adopting if you intend on getting out of this mess alive."

Her face reddened. "Stuff it, Leviathan!"

"Leviathan? That's what they're calling me? How dare they? They know I'm sensitive about my weight!" He removed the mask, revealing a cute, miffed guy. "Call me Lancelot, or I'll sue you for defamation."

"Sir Lancelot? Of the Round Table?"

"Not anymore, thanks to that skank Guinevere." Lancelot's eyes darkened. "Illicit relationships with married people never end well. Remember that."

Snow shook her head violently. "Sorry, I didn't quite hear that. My ears are still ringing from that beating you just laid on me."

"Eh, never mind. It wasn't important."

Down in an unusually well-lit prison pit, Cora was examining an unconscious Mary Margaret. "In my professional opinion, she'll be fine as long as she doesn't piss me off."

"Cool. So what is this place?" Emma asked.

"A dank, dirty hole in the ground. You hadn't noticed?"

"Well, they can't keep us in here!" the savior proclaimed stubbornly. "I've read Henry's book, and I know that Stealthy will be coming to the rescue at any minute!"

"Stealthy's dead, dear."

"We're doomed!" Emma wailed, collapsing in abject despair.

"I know how you feel," said Cora soothingly. "These jerks say I'm a danger to society, just because I created a rampaging megalomaniac who almost destroyed the world."

"You're Regina's mother?" Emma instinctively went for her chainsaw, but found it had been confiscated. "Aw, nuts!"

"Oh don't be afraid," Cora reassured her. "The apple fell very far from the tree." She surreptitiously tossed an apple across the room to keep it from being a complete lie.

Mary Margaret came to, and in a panic, threw herself between Emma and Cora. "Get away from her, Grandma! Unlike some people in this family, I don't want my daughter to die horribly!"

"Relax, Snow," the elder evil queen replied serenely. "All that stuff Regina said about me was a lie, and that grave she showed you was probably just full of crash-test dummies."

Mary Margaret recoiled. "Stop smiling at me! Word on the street is, every time you smile, somewhere a puppy drops dead!"

"Mary Margaret, let's hear her out," Emma interjected.

"Why should I do that?"

"Because this cell is only like six square feet, and short of sewing our ears shut, there's no way to avoid hearing if she wants to talk," Emma pointed out. "Besides, maybe she'll help us get back to Henry instead of brutally murdering us."

"Why are you so anxious to get back to Henry?" Cora pulled out a shiv. "You got something going on with my husband, tramp?!"

"No, adulterous affairs are my mother's department. I was talking about my and Regina's son."

Cora relaxed, putting the knife away. "You and my daughter have a kid? Huh, I didn't know she swung that way." She held out her hand. "Well, welcome to the family, Emma. I'll try not to slaughter you like I did with Regina's last crush, but no promises."

Mary Margaret covered Emma's mouth before she could deny it. "Stop giving our family secrets to the supervillain!" she screamed. "She's Cora, so she will find out eventually, but you could at least make her work for it a little!"

"You're overreacting," Emma scoffed. "After all, she specifically said she'd try not to slaughter me."

"Stop trusting the supervillain!"

Cora just laughed. "Ah, like mother, like daughter."

"So," said Henry, cheerfully strolling down the street with his latest pet adult, "what's on the agenda for Operation Scorpion?"

"What's Operation Scorpion?" David asked.

Henry shrugged. "That's for you to figure out. I just supply the cool names."

David pulled him to a stop in front of a woefully non-magic school bus. "Henry, I know this is unorthodox, but I'm making you go to school."

Henry gaped at him in uncomprehending horror. "This…this has never happened to me before." Then horror gave way to confusion. "How am I supposed to learn anything, anyway? My teacher's trapped in another dimension, in case you've forgotten. Which reminds me, you really should start working on getting her back, before she and Emma start bonding without you."

"I know," David replied, "but Jefferson's turned out to be a total dead end. Who'd have thought someone so cool could be so useless?"

Henry raised a hand timidly. "And you don't want the help of the boy genius who's solved every problem you've had to date because…?"

"Because this is going to require magic, of the kind that saved your mother's life, reunited me with my True Love on multiple occasions, and just released thousands of innocent people from a terrible curse. And what kind of guardian would I be if I subjected you to such horrors?"

Henry sighed in mock defeat. "Okay, you win. I guess I'll just run along to the video arcade and get in a round of Whack-A-Mole before class."

"Brushing up on your beast-smashing skills? That's my boy!" David gave him a handful of change and went on his way.

Henry snickered, pulling some sleeper darts and a set of high-end lock-picking gear from his backpack. "Amateur."

Emma and Mary Margaret, having discovered they were related, were now obligated to fight over every petty thing that happened to them. "For the last time, stop hanging around with murderous witches, or I'm taking away your Xbox!" Mary Margaret threatened as they were led through Ye Olde Refugee Camp."

Emma steadfastly ignored her. "I'm not about to take adventuring advice from a woman who spends her days making birdhouses out of Popsicle sticks."

"It was egg cartons!"

"Did you come through that portal just to nag me?"

"Partly, yes, but also partly because I love you and partly because I'm trying to avoid Whale right now."

"How sweet."

Lancelot emerged from one of the straw shacks that were just waiting for a big bad wolf to come and blow them down. "Snow, is that you?" His eyes drifted to Emma. "Or is that you? I can't quite tell."

Mary Margaret raised her hand. "Over here."

"Snow! It's great to see you again!" He scooped her into his arms. "Well, naturally, since you're a friend of mine, whatever you did to get yourself arrested no longer matters." He beamed. "Ain't anarchy great?"

Emma looked on quizzically. "Sir Lancelot of the Round Table? You're fictional?"

Meanwhile, Mulan and Aurora were watching the reunion while wearing glares that would have made Regina herself jealous. "Why is he embracing them?" Aurora demanded. "They were accidentally in the general vicinity of Philip after he was already dead. They deserve to fry!"

"Aurora, get a grip. As long as you're not a man in a committed relationship, you have nothing to fear from Lancelot."

"But I want revenge!"

"You should really rethink that position. Revenge has an unusually high rate of complications around here."

"Fine. No revenge." Aurora pouted, drawing a long dagger. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go dice some really big potatoes."

Lancelot invited his guests to a long, wooden table and sat a platter of freaky meat in front of them. "Cool, just like Medieval Times," Emma observed, filling her plate. "Say, what is this stuff, anyway? One of the radioactive mutants the queen warned us about?"

"No, it's chimera. A hideous, fire-breathing monster that's incredibly dangerous to hunt and not very fun to eat, either, but vegetarianism is for sissies, so we're stuck."

Mary Margaret looked confused. "I don't get it, Lance. Regina told us that this land had been completely destroyed, and I simply can't imagine her telling a lie, especially to me!"

Lancelot chuckled. "That's my baby girl."

"What?"

"Never you mind. We're all completely safe here, unlike the late Prince Philip."

Mary Margaret raised her eyebrows. "Even if I bought that, which I don't, I couldn't stay. The male half of our family is home alone, and I don't even want to think about the mess they're probably making of my bathroom. Can you help us find a portal home?"

Lancelot blinked. "Er, no. You seem a little confused. I'm Lancelot, the tortured, sexy guy who stabs stuff, not Jefferson, the tortured, sexy guy who navigates portals. Besides, it's really not safe to leave this place right now. Those pesky glow-in-the-dark ogres have invaded yet again."

The young monarch groaned. "What is that, like the fourth time now? I know this isn't politically-correct, but can't someone just pull a genocide on them, already?"

"Ogres?" Emma repeated incredulously. "As in, 'onions have layers'?"

"Kind of, but a little more deadly and a lot less entertaining," Lancelot explained. "That's why we live here on this island, where it's safe, except for the wraiths, and the chimeras-"

"And Cora," Mary Margaret added.

"I was getting to her," the knight snapped. "You don't need to be concerned. The curse stripped her of her powers, but since she's retained her sparkling personality and killer good looks, I've had to keep her locked up as a precaution."

She eyed her old friend nervously. "Uh, Lance? Have you suffered a head injury recently?"

Lancelot glared daggers at her. "I've decided to grant your request to leave. Because I'm your friend and I believe in you, of course, and not because you irritate the crap out of me. I just have one condition." He waved Mulan over. "Take my best warrior Mulan with you."

Emma stared at the foreign heroine. "Mulan? You're fictional, too?"

Sir Lancelot, his shining armor now riddled with teeth marks, dragged a kicking, screaming Snow before her phony father-in-law. "I'm not going to tell you where Charming is! If none of your cronies were smart enough to listen while he was shouting his destination at me last night, they don't deserve victory!"

King George yawned. "Relax, honey, I didn't bring you here to snitch, although I don't blame you for thinking so, since you're such an expert in the field. No, I'm here to take advantage of your other area of expertise: foolishly ingesting gifts from your archenemies."

The king snapped his fingers, and Lancelot produced a cup. "If it tastes poisoned, it's probably just because you expect it to."

Snow took a swig. "I hope whatever you've spiked this with will at least get me high, because I'm having the day from hell."

"Boo hoo," the king sneered. "You think you've got it bad? I'm such a lonely old bastard I had to resort to buying a guy to keep me company. And even he deserted me in the end!" The old man burst into tears. "I wasn't always like this, you know. I was in love, damn it!"

Snow looked disturbed. "With what?"

George glared. "Hey, if a sicko like Rumplestiltskin can find love, surely no one is past hope, right?"

Snow couldn't argue with that. "Sorry. So what happened?"

"Somebody put a curse on her so she couldn't have children."

"Really?" The princess was intrigued. "Why?"

"Don't ask me that."

"Okay, who?"

"Don't ask me that, either."

"Okay then. How?"

He threw his scepter at her. "Knock it off! Do I go around prying into your personal life?"

"Constantly. And something tells me you just did it again." She nodded to the cup.

"Correct." The king smirked. "Consider yourself sterile, punk!"

Snow frowned for a moment, then shrugged. "Eh, no biggie. We can always adopt."

"No you can't!" George gloated. "I've already been down that road, and discovered that orphans and foundlings no longer exist in our dimension! If you want to adopt a child, you'll have to either sell your soul to Rumplestiltskin, or swipe some kids from a woodcutter."

"NOOOOOOOO!" Snow wailed.

"Now that's the reaction I was looking for."

Mulan presented Emma and Mary Margaret with an array of weapons. "I wasn't sure about your character classes and proficiencies, so I brought you a little of everything."

Emma rifled around, looking for her chainsaw. "Hey, where's my chainsaw? I need it for smashing stuff."

"Sorry, but Paul Bunyan took one look at it and fell madly in love," Mulan apologized, handing over her pistol. "Here, you can have this back as a consolation prize."

Emma strapped it on with a sigh of resignation. "Better than nothing, I guess."

The warrior examined the weapon curiously. "What is that thing, anyway?"

Emma gave her a double-take. "You don't know? Didn't your nation invent gunpowder?"

She shrugged. "Beats me. So anyway, is that thing magic?"

The savior grinned evilly. "Why yes, it is. Make a wish, put this barrel in your mouth, pull this trigger, and I guarantee you, your days of wishing for stuff will be over for good."

In the meantime, Mary Margaret had chosen her weapon. "Ah, a good old bow and arrows. Score! I'm great with these things, as long as they're enchanted to never miss their target."

"Enough dilly-dallying!" Mulan barked. "Time is racing t'ward us, till the ogres arrive, so heed my every order and you might survive."

"Don't you mean, 'please heed my every order, Your Royal Majesties?'" Mary Margaret corrected gently.

Mulan rolled her eyes. "More deposed royals? Jeez, how many of you are there around here?" She looked Emma over uneasily. "Have you ever even seen an ogre?"

The savior looked unworried. "No, but I'd never seen a dragon before yesterday, either, and it didn't keep me from pwning her."

The warrior smacked her upside the head with the flat of her katana. "Stop being so courageous, damn you! Steadfast feminine bravery is my schtick!" She stormed off, about ready to make a wish on Emma's gun. And yes, she knew what that really meant.

Mary Margaret patted her daughter on the back. "There there, dear, don't let her rattle you. We have ogres, wraiths, chimeras, and Cora for that."

"True." Emma relaxed. "So, where exactly are you taking me? A hat store?"

"No, that would be far too simple. You know how I had you stuffed into that magic closet and it scarred you for life and made you hate me?"

"Yeah."

"I'm doing it again. Last time, I promise." She gave her daughter a Boy Scout salute.

Emma frowned. "But Henry said the Blue Fairy said that it only had enough energy in it for me and August?"

"Oh please!" her mother scoffed. "Whose magical knowledge are you going to trust? The ancient fairy queen of the night, or a woman too stupid to tell the difference between water and the world's most powerful healing potion?"

Emma just looked tired. "Fine, whatever, so where is this wooden longshot of yours located?"

Mary Margaret shrugged. "Last time I saw it, it was in Geppetto's workshop, but for the sake of irony, the Evil Queen probably moved it into your nursery before she left. Say what you will about Regina, she has a keen sense of the dramatic."

Jefferson sat on a bench at the docks, staring woefully at a missing poster bearing a hand-drawn likeness of either him or an anthropomorphic woodchuck. "I wonder if I could anonymously advise Grace not to pursue a career in the arts?" he mused.

Henry, wearing heavy camouflage and a parachute, suddenly dropped into his lap. "Tee hee! You'll never get away from Henry! NEVER!"

"Henry?" He groaned. "I might have known you'd show up sooner or later. Sorry about kidnapping and beating up your mother."

"Eh, don't beat yourself up. Her dogged determination not to notice stuff sometimes makes me wish I could lay the smackdown on her myself." He surreptitiously activated the spy camera and recording device taped to his chest. "So, my sources tell me you're cool, but useless. Is that assessment accurate?"

"'Fraid so, kid," Jefferson apologized. "But maybe you could give your mom's vault a try. There was nothing in there that could facilitate interdimensional travel when I checked two days ago, but maybe you'll get lucky. You always seem to."

"Mom's vault? It's here in Storybrooke?"

"Um, yes? You knew that. You told Graham about it mere weeks ago, remember?"

The boy frowned. "How did you know about that?"

Jefferson grinned and held up a spyglass. "You think you're the only guy in town who knows how to snoop?"

Henry threw himself into the hatter's arms. "Will you be my new daddy?"

"Sorry, but I already have a kid."

"Speaking of which, when are you going to get around to reuniting with her, ya lousy deadbeat?"

Jefferson hefted the boy off his lap. "Go away."

Henry chuckled. "Better men than you have tried to make me go away. Now get over yourself, already! Grace probably wants to see you and the family that's been raising her probably wants to see some child support."

Jefferson regarded the child coldly. "Do you always go around making people confront their inner demons and reevaluate their personal priorities like this?"

"Constantly," Henry chirped. "So are you gonna go get your daughter now?"

"No." The hatter got up and walked away.

Henry scampered after him. "How about now?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"No!"

"How about now?"

"NO!"

"How about now?"

By this point, Jefferson was red in the face and clutching large handfuls of his own hair. "ALL RIGHT! I'll do anything you want, just shut up!"

The boy tossed his hair smugly. "Still got it."

Regina, who was disassembling her Mayoral Lair in light of the death of democracy, glanced down at her cellphone. "Henry! Aren't you supposed to be in school right now, honey? What do you mean, 'none of your business'? I'm your mo—huh? How am I? Well, I've been impeached on account of the whole Cursegate scandal, but I'm taking it in stride." A beat. "You say you want me to meet you for lunch, and there's no need to bring my skeleton keys?" She withdrew them from her pocket and tossed them carelessly in an unlocked drawer. "You know best, I guess."

Meanwhile, the newly-formed Girl Power Squad had found a clearing in the woods. "We can camp here tonight," Mulan decided, "as soon as we forage for some marshmallows, hot dogs, and pointy sticks."

"We're going to build a campfire?" Emma was skeptical, as usual. "What if the ogres see us?"

"Don't worry," said Mary Margaret. "Ogres are blind."

Emma blinked. "Seriously, blind? We've been living in fear of a creature with no eyesight and the IQ of a potato? Dude, I KILLED A FRIGGIN' DRAGON!"

"Hey, you think you're the only one around here who knows how to fight?" Mary Margaret challenged. "I'll have you know I once hit my husband in the mouth with a rock," she bragged.

"And I once watched from afar while my incompetent friend did battle with a yaoguai," Mulan added. "You'd best leave this to the real heroines, Emma."

Mary Margaret mussed her daughter's hair condescendingly. "Yeah, don't be scared, pumpkin. Mommy will take care of you."

King George's men drove Snow White out into the woods. "So, what are our orders? Does His Majesty want us to turn her in to Queen Regina for the reward money? You know, what with the kingdom being destitute and all."

"No, knowing the Evil Queen, it's probably counterfeit. Just dump her in the woods ." They kicked her out of the paddy wagon and drove on.

She staggered to her feet and dusted herself off. "Well, I'm lost, alone, sterile, and wearing really impractical hiking attire. Ah, if only I had something to smash, maybe that would lift my spirits."

Lancelot conveniently rode by. "Yo."

Snow White smiled and picked up a big stick. "Things are looking up. HIIIII-YA!"

The disgraced knight went flying off his horse. "I knew I shouldn't have removed that masked helmet," he muttered, holding his concussed head.

"Eat elm, you dirty literary representation of the dark side of courtly chivalry!" she screamed, bludgeoning him ferociously.

"Ow! Ow! OW! Stop it, I've come to help you!"

"You think I'm dumb enough to blindly place my trust in a third villain?" She whacked him one last time.

"Ow! I'm not a villain, I'm an anti-hero, so lay off! I came to warn you. King George knows where Charming's mom is, and he wants to have her killed."

"Why?"

The knight shrugged. "Same reason he wants to have Charming killed. Because he can."

At a cozy little cabin in the woods, Charming's elderly mother was performing yard work while her strong and able son lounged under a tanning mirror nearby. "Mom, knock that off, you're making me look bad."

"You could help me, you know," she panted, shouldering a leaf-blower.

"Eh, my rep doesn't mean that much to me." The prince's ears perked up. "Do you hear that? It sounds like there's a horse in our general vicinity. That can mean only one thing. The Legions of Evil are coming to destroy us!" He drew his sword.

"Or, it could just be some kid looking to trade his faithful draft animal for some magic beans."

"Withmy luck? Not likely," Charming snorted. Immediately thereafter, an arrow slammed into the wall behind him. "See?" He shepherded her to the front door. "I'll handle this. You go on home and be heartwarming. It's what you're good at."

He faced the mounted knights surrounding him, raised his blade, and flashed a gorgeous white smile. "You found me. I never doubted you would."

The Charming-Family-Charmed knights lowered their weapons, utterly dumbstruck. Once that was done, it was a simple matter for Charming to walk over and behead them one by one. "Easy as pie."

His mom tapped him meekly on the shoulder, an arrow protruding from her chest. "Son, I didn't take your advice and now it looks like I'm going to pay a terrible price."

Charming grimly cradled her bleeding body in his arms. "Something tells me this is going to be an ongoing problem in our little clan."

Snow White and Lancelot finally arrived on the scene, the latter dizzily clutching an icepack to his battered head. "Oh no!" Snow cried in horror. "Your mom is going the way of every other mom in our universe!"

"Never you mind, dear," the dying woman slurred cheerfully. "I can die happy now that I've met you. I ship Snowing so hard!" With her last ounce of strength, she held up a "Team Snowing" pennant.

Mary Margaret was on her way back to the campsite, a sack of chimera-based hot dogs slung over her shoulder, when Aurora pounced on her. "Freeze dirtbag!" she hissed, pressing a knife to the other woman's throat. "There's only room in this town for one deposed princess cursed with narcolepsy by an evil sorceress! Plus, you killed my man!"

Yawning widely, Mary Margaret held the girl at arm's length while she punched and flailed in vain. "Stop attacking me, or at least do a better job of it. We had nothing to do with Philip's death. It was the fault of a dude named Gold, just like everything else that's ever gone wrong in this world."

Mulan appeared and pried them apart. "Don't talk to Aurora like that!"

Aurora blinked. "What, we're friends now? When did that happen?"

"Shut up!" yelled Mulan and Mary Margaret in unison.

A gunshot suddenly rang out behind them, meaning that either the Renaissance had finally come to the Enchanted Forest, or Emma had just done something incredibly stupid. One guess which one it was. "Get your katana away from my mother, Mulan, and go stand next to Sleeping Beauty with your hands up." She pulled a face. "Dude, that's definitely on the list of things I never thought I'd say."

"Emma," Mary Margaret interrupted. "As your mom, I feel obligated to remind you of the potential consequences of random gunfire, such as fines, jail time, and getting eaten alive by ogres!"

"Oh, right. Them. My bad."

Right on cue, a marauding monster crashed through the trees and roared in Emma's face. "GET OUT OF MY SWAMP!"

The savior was confused. "This isn't a swamp."

"Well how am I supposed to know that? I'm friggin' blind," the creature snapped, swooping in for the kill.

Emma readied her gun. "Well, this may not have worked the last time I did battle with a fairytale creature, but I choose not to notice that." She blasted the ogre with round after round.

The ogre deflected the projectiles with a mithril fly swatter. "Stop this. You're embarrassing yourself."

Mary Margaret tapped the creature on the back. "Excuse me, my name is Princess Fiona, and I was wondering if you were available for dinner tonight?"

"Am I?!" The ogre tossed his club aside and started groping around in the grass for some flowers to present her with.

"Sucker!" She fired an arrow into the eyes he couldn't see out of and according to all laws of evolution, shouldn't have even had, which somehow harmed him.

"Ah! I'm blinder!" he screamed, falling over dead.

Mary Margaret glanced over at her daughter. "You know, I'm starting to see your point about no eyes plus tiny brain equaling instant victory."

Emma was staring in shock at her armed, bloodstained, adrenaline-crazed mother. "Hey Eminem?"

"Yeah?"

"Remind me to quit sassing you." She glanced around the clearing. "Hey, where are Mulan and Aurora? Are they alive or what?"

"Eh, like it affects us."

Lancelot, who had spent some time posing as a doctor in order to impress chicks, examined Charming's mom carefully. "She's been poisoned."

Charming sighed. "And again, something tells me this is going to be an ongoing problem in our little clan."

"We could go to the Blue Fairy for help," Snow suggested.

Lancelot rolled his eyes. "Come on, guys. Can you remember her ever successfully helping anyone?"

"Well…"

"Um…"

"There was my mo…" Snow began. "No, wait, that failed miserably and scarred me for life."

Charming snapped his fingers. "I've got it! We can go to Lake Plotspeed! Its healing waters will restore Mom and get rid of this pesky nail fungus I've been battling in one fell swoop."

"Did someone say 'lake'?" Lancelot perked right up. "Count me in!"

The two noble warriors walked along beside a wagon they'd nobly swiped from some old lady. "So Lance," said Prince Charming conversationally, "how and why did you end up ruining your life?"

"Er, do I know you?"

"No, but you've got to tell someone, so why not me?"

"Good point," the knight conceded. "Well, I was having a fling with my liege's wife, and we were totally getting away with it, until those little brats Mordred and Agravain ratted us out." He scowled into the distance. "There's nothing lower than a snitch!"

Snow White nervously sank lower into the wagon bed. "Uh, Mom, how do you feel about snitches?"

"I love them!" the old woman gushed, patting her cheek. "Especially ones who give me grandkids. Hint hint." She elbowed the girl pointedly. "And don't worry, it doesn't matter whether it's a boy or a girl. All that matters is that you don't hock it to an evil sorcerer." She pulled a pendant from around her neck. "Check this out. This was enchanted by a gypsy—"

"A Gypsy? You mean one of the Romani people originating from the region of South Asia? They're fictional? And magical?"

"That is correct. Anyway, this necklace can predict the sex of your firstborn child, swinging north to south if it's a boy and east to west if it's a girl." She held the pendant over Snow's hand. "Huh. I guess your baby's going to be gender-confused."

Snow burst into tears.

"There there, dear. I'm sure my son will love the kid no matter wh…wait. Something's wrong, isn't it?" She squeezed her prospective daughter-in-law's hand. "Snow, I know you've had issues with mothers-by-marriage in the past, but I promise, I'm different." She took cookies, warm milk, and a box of Kleenex from the Comfort Mode Kit she always kept on hand. "Come on, tell mumsy what's eating you."

"Well," said Snow, blowing her nose and munching a gingersnap, "the thing is, I've been cursed by yet another evil monarch, and now I can't have kids."

"Drag. Well, you can always adopt, right?"

"No we can't. Nobody can."

"Damn, that's rough. No matter, though. The waters of Lake Plotspeed should be able to fix you up if all else fails."

Snow brightened. "You really think so?"

The old woman smiled. "Of course. Or you could just kiss my son again. It seemed to work fine the last couple of times you got cursed."

Mary Margaret and Emma were once again traveling with Mulan and Aurora, having graciously forgiven the pair for cravenly leaving them to die. "We're almost there. Almost there. People 'round here think I'm crazy, but I don't care."

Emma shook her gently. "Eminem, you're rhyming again."

"Sorry."

Meanwhile, the other half of their party was having problems as well. "Aurora, you've got to keep up!" Mulan commanded. "You're never going to attract a new knight in shining armor if you don't get in shape."

"Cut me some slack," Aurora griped. "I'm cold, poorly-dressed, and extremely groggy."

"You're not very awesome, Aurora," Emma observed. She shrugged off her cool leather jacket and handed it to the girl. "Here, this will fix that."

Aurora was touched. "You're helping me, after I tried to kill your mom?"

"I help a lot of people who have tried to kill my mom. I'm not sure whether that's because I'm incredibly noble and forgiving, or just because I'm not that fond of her at the moment, but when I figure it out, I'll let you know." She returned to her mother's side. "Are we there yet?" she whined.

"All in good time." Mary Margaret led her to the edge of the cliff, which overlooked Neuschwanstein Castle in all its glory. "See that magnificent castle? It's been our home ever since that proud day your daddy and I threw out King George and claimed squatters' rights."

Henry knocked timidly on the door of the Mills family crypt. "Anyone home? Actually, I'd rather you didn't answer that." He took a deep breath and let himself in. "Easy, Henry. Mom's not here, and even if she were, she'd never kill y—AH! She's built me a coffin!" Then he took a second look at the casket with his name on it. "No, wait, it's just one of my many grandpas. That's slightly less disturbing."

He pushed the coffin aside and descended into the vault, where he could hear the hearts of various tortured souls beating away in their drawers. "Here, here! It is the beating of his hideous heart!" he screamed, then glanced over his shoulder, blushing. "I mean, uh, what a cheesy sound effect."

Moving farther into the chamber, he came upon a pile of locked chests and jars. "The secret stash of a criminally-insane sorceress? Hm, maybe I should wait and unlock these under adult supervision?" The pesky flicker of responsibility died almost as suddenly as it had been born, and he shuddered. "Whoa, that was weird. Back to business." He reached for a little box labeled 'Property of Pandora', rattling it curiously. "Is this thing hissing? Eh, it's probably just my imagination."

He opened it up and found himself face to face to face to face with an Agrabahan viper. "AH! I want my mommy! Either one will do at this point!"

David conveniently appeared and slammed the chest shut. "Yikes! Were the snakes of Earth simply not poisonous enough for Regina?" he wondered.

"Gramps? How did you find me?"

"All of us Charmings are born with compasses attuned to our loved ones embedded in our brains."

"Really?"

"Nah, your mom told me." He helped the child to his feet. "So what's with the heist?"

Henry was on the verge of tears. "All I want is to be back in our world with Emma and Mary Margaret, having swordfights, riding horses, and oppressing the unwashed masses!"

David wrapped his grandson in his arms. "I know exactly how you feel. The social enlightenment, technological advances, and widespread access to antibiotics in this world repulse me, too. But don't worry, together we can overcome such horrors. And by together, I mean 'get out of my face'."

When Charming and friends reached the lack, they found it devoid of water, magic, and to the disappointment of Sir Lancelot, beautiful sex-crazed demons. "This is all my fault!' the quasi-prince lamented. "I killed the siren who lived here for absolutely no reason." He broke down crying. "I was just trying to pad my resume!"

"Don't worry, Charming," said Lancelot confidently. "They don't call me Lancelot du Lac just for the alliterative value. Depending on who you believe, I grew up in, on, or by a lake, and I know my hydrology. There may be some water concealed inside a seashell, or even an underground aquifer leading to a magic wishing well in another dimension." His eyes fell on a seashell full of water. "Aw, how boring."

He picked up the shell and took it to Charming. "Praise God—uh, gods…uh, whoever the hell we worship around here in their mercy."

"Is there enough to unkill my mom?" the quasi-prince inquired.

"It's magical anti-jinx juice. Do you really think there's a recommended dosage?" Lancelot poured the contents of the shell into Charming's canteen. "Stop overthinking this. You're Prince freaking Charming. The only thing you should ever have to think about is how to find an excuse to take your shirt off."

Snow White and Charming's mom had been eavesdropping, since, after all, they were both related to Henry. "Snow," the old woman choked out weakly. "I want you to have that last sip of water. I'm the parent of a Disney hero. I'm going to end up dead whether we like it or not, so just stop fighting it. Besides, the SS Snowing needs a baby on board far more than I need to not die horribly." She waved her pennant and saluted proudly. "It will be an honor to die for the good of the ship."

"But you'll be making your son an orphan," Snow protested. "Don't you think he might object to that?"

She just smiled indulgently. "It's not the end of the world, dear. I may be abandoning my child, but at least I never stuffed him in a closet or sent him off to some freaky new dimension. Now that would be truly unforgivable."

Snow remained hesitant. "I don't know about this, Mom. I'm not great mother material. My only female role model growing up was a homicidal maniac, I'm pretty sure my dad was hooked on uppers, and my relationship with my future husband began with a fistfight. You really want me to bring a child into that kind of environment?"

Charming interrupted before she could answer, which was probably for the best. "Good news, Mom! Our nondescript, nondenominational prayers have been answered!" He handed her his canteen.

She looked regretfully at Snow. "I don't suppose you've warmed at all to the idea another True Love's Kiss with my son?"

"Sorry, but my lips are kind of chapped and I'm not really in the mood."

The dying woman sighed, touched the bottle to her lips, then handed it to Sir Lancelot along with a heavily-encrypted letter. "Have faith, Snow. Maybe there's some kind of magical fertility clinic we can try."

Snow looked a little uneasy at that. "'We'?"

"Or you and the baby's father. Whatever."

The Girl Power Squad wandered into Emma's old nursery, which was dark, dusty, and filled with enough creepy dolls to make Rumplestiltskin jealous. "Wanna play?" a redheaded puppet cackled, clawing at Emma's ankle.

She calmly kicked its head off and went to examine the wardrobe in the corner. "Hey, the wardrobe! Wait, how are two fully-grown women supposed to fit in this thing? I'm surprised the baby and seven-year-old even managed it."

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, pumpkin," said Mary Margaret.

Mulan elbowed Aurora. "Come on, they're obviously about to have a profoundly emotional heart-to-heart, and those things make me sick." She hauled her apparent friend out the door. "Call us when the killing starts!"

With them out of the way, Mary Margaret dragged her daughter away from the wardrobe. "This room is the physical manifestation of my hopes and dreams for you. It'd be nice if you could show a little enthusiasm."

"If you insist." Emma reeled back and widened her eyes theatrically. "I lived here?"

Mary Margaret gave her a sideways glance. "Um, no, we stuffed you in the closet while you were still gooey from childbirth. Did you even read Henry's book?"

"No, I just glanced at the pictures before torching them."

"Well, if you weren't such a pyromaniac, you'd know that I wanted us to be a family. Almost as much as your grandma did, in fact."

"I already have a family," Emma snapped. "The father I've exchanged a total of four sentences with, and the son whose middle name I've never bothered to learn. So let's get home to them before they realize how dysfunctional we truly are." She nodded at the wardrobe. "So how do we get this thing to work? Play some Hide and Seek?"

Charming frowned down at his mom. "This isn't right. Triumphant violin music should be swelling."

"Maybe the water would work better if she swallowed it," Snow suggested.

"No," said Charming. "It probably just wasn't enough. Let's go check for that interdimensional wishing well Lancelot was going on about."

"Honeymuffin, give it up," his mother admonished. "What are the odds of that being true?"

He burst into tears. "This is all my fault! If only I wasn't so unfailingly sweet and optimistic, this touch of angst in my life wouldn't have been necessary!"

She patted her son's head tenderly. "Don't blame yourself, sweetie. After all, I set off this horrible chain of events by hocking your stupid brother in the first place." She smiled up at Snow. "My only regret is that I won't live to see you two get married. I had such cute ideas for your wedding! I was going to do a snowflake theme, and hang up a big banner reading 'It's Snowing Men!'"

"Maybe it's not too late." Snow turned to Lancelot. "Hey Lance, do knights have the authority to perform marriage ceremonies in this conflicted religion of ours?"

The knight shrugged. "For today, let's say they do."

Five minutes later, the three of them were gathered under an 'It's Snowing Men' banner improvised from wagon canvas, while the mother of the groom looked on, waving her Snowing pennant feebly.

Lancelot poured some water into a cocoa mug from Charming's mom's Comfort Kit. "In my land, which may or may not be England, there is legend of a cup that had the power to grant life eternal, until Monty Python swiped it." He handed it to them. "This ain't it, but enjoy your water anyway."

They shared a sip from the faux-grail, and Charming looked down at his feet. "Hey, my nail fungus just disappeared. Must be an omen. Things are looking up."

Snow nudged him gently. "Hey, your mom just dropped dead."

His face fell. "Oh. That." He went to her side and wept bitterly over her cold, dead body.

Snow wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on his shoulder. "I don't suppose this is a good time to ask what you've got planned for our honeymoon?"

Back at Neuschwanstein Castle, Emma was leaning against the side of the wardrobe and counting, while Mary Margaret climbed inside. "…eight, nine, ten. Ready or not, here I come!"

"It's no good, Emma. There's no sign of a portal," Mary Margaret's muffled voice reported.

"Then why don't you come out?"

"I can't move, it's way too cramped. You'll have to butter my head."

Lancelot appeared in the doorway, toting a bucket of Crisco. "I had a feeling this might happen."

"Lancelot?" Mary Margaret rubbed some shortening into her hair and finally managed to pry herself free. "What are you doing here? If you've come to pursue me romantically, I'm sorry, but I don't like to have more than two torrid love affairs a year."

"No, my zombie scouts told m—uh, I mean, I just had a gut feeling you guys had been attacked by an ogre on your way to the destination you never divulged to me, so I can to check on you for purely selfless reasons."

"Where are Mulan and Aurora?"

"Outside discussing whether dragons should be good or evil." He caressed the wardrobe reverently. "So this is the portal you spoke of?"

"Yeah," Mary Margaret confirmed, "but it's all out of juice and the doorway definitely needs to be widened. What do you care, anyway?"

He smiled benignly. "I just want to get you home to your on again, off again husband, and Emma home to her on again, off again son. Oh, and her loving girlfriend Regina, of course."

Mary Margaret whipped out her sword and held it to his throat. "Stop shipping my kid with my mom! It's just plain wrong! Honestly, you're as bad as Cor—wait a minute, Cora? Is that you?"

A puff of the purple mood smoke that seemed to indicate evil enveloped Lancelot, leaving the Evil Queen 1.0 standing in his place. "I'm impressed. You managed to figure out that I was evil this time without me even having to murder anyone. Except of course for Lancelot."

"You killed Lancelot? Why? How? When? Where?"

Cora magically pinned her to the wall. "Eh, like it affects us."

Meanwhile, Emma was shuffling innocently past them, whistling the McGyver theme song. "Don't anybody mind me. I'm just going to go over here by the wardrobe and do some research for my new book, 'Bullets: The Weapon of a Thousand and One Uses'."

"Kay," they both replied obliviously.

"So Cora, why are you trying to get to Storybrooke?" Mary Margaret demanded. "Ruling over two dimensions just wasn't enough for you?"

"No, I just want to see my daughter. It sounds like she's in grave danger of becoming a loving parent and a useful member of society. Besides, I'm dying to meet my grandson Henry, who will henceforth be named Cory and wear this." She produced a t-shirt reading "Grandma's Little Villain."

"Over my gown-clad, Plague-ravaged body!" Emma roared, putting a torch to the portal.

Because she had only gotten her sorcerer's license by sleeping with her instructor, Cora didn't know the spell for extinguishing fires and had to settle for tossing a fireball at Emma instead. "You know how I said I'd try not to slaughter you? I lied!"

Mulan conveniently appeared and swatted the fireball aside. "Save versus spells!" she cried.

Aurora waved from the doorway. "I don't know how to fight, but I'm with you in spirit."

Cora stuck her nose in the air. "I'm out of here. Not because I'm scared of you, of course. I'm just…uh, really racist against Asians! Yeah, that's it." Without further bigotry, she disappeared.

Mary Margaret ran to Emma. "You saved me!"

"You're welcome," said Mulan flatly.

Aurora returned with a bucket of water. "Shouldn't we try to put out that fire, now that she's gone?"

"When we want your opinion, we'll give it to you!" Emma snapped.

Charming sadly placed a Team Snowing pennant on his mom's tombstone. His bridge, while not the expert in comfort mode that he was, was doing the best she could. "I'm so sorry, Honeymuffin. I know she was the only non-murderous family you had left."

"Yeah, but I still have you and together we can start a new family. As soon as we get Lancelot out of the way, if I have my way." He spritzed his mouth, removed his shirt, and flashed her a heated look. "You in?"

"Hell y—actually, we should probably talk first."

"Aw, come on! Shut up and kiss me and I'll give you this necklace," he bargained, holding up his mom's pendant.

Snow decided to accept the offer, and when she held out her hand to take the pendant, it began swinging. "Oh my conflicting pantheons! We're going to have a baby!"

"What?! But we never even…" Charming glanced suspiciously from Snow to Lancelot. "Wait a minute, are you already cheating on me with Lancelot? Damn it, I knew he'd never be able to resist you now that you're married!"

"Charming, chill, I just meant in the distant future."

Charming frowned. "Okay, but if this kid comes out black, I want a paternity test." He composed himself. "In the meantime, though, we should focus on creating a stable home to bring the child into. Now, I know that you have your own palace full of beautiful memories and treasured keepsakes, but my foster dad's castle has a two hundred-square-foot hot tub, so I propose that we still that one instead." He whistled for his horse. "I'll call the dwarves and see if Stealthy left any maps of the place behind."

Snow went over to Lancelot, who was still hanging around for unknown reasons. "This is your doing, isn't it? Charming's mom didn't drink the water, she had you put it in that lame excuse for a grail so I would drink it!" She paused to reflect for a moment. "I must find some way to honor her sacrifice. Maybe I could posthumously give her the Shipper of the Year Award? Or even better, we could name our daughter after her!" She frowned. "Say, what was her name, anyway?"

"Ruth."

"Ew." Snow made a face. "Shipper of the Year Award it is."

The Girl Power Squad was in deep mourning for their fallen comrade. "Lancelot was the most noble knight I ever knew, apart from the whole adultery thing," Mary Margaret sobbed.

"How could I not see that he was Cora?" Mulan lamented. "His weird obsession with decapitation should have been a dead giveaway." She sighed. "Well, what am I supposed to tell the troops?"

"How about the truth?" Mary Margaret suggested.

Mulan stared at her incredulously. "What do you think this is, some kind of democracy?"

"Sorry, my bad."

"Never mind, we've got bigger problems right now. Cora seems intent on killing absolutely everyone, and since all the honorable men around here are dead, it looks like we're going to have to stop her."

"But who will lead us?" Aurora pointed to herself. "The golden-hearted princess?" She indicted Mulan and Emma in turn. "The accomplished military leader? The accomplished civil official? Bah, you're crazy!"

"No, I vote for Snow, or at least I would if we did that sort of thing around here," said Mulan.

"Me? Lead?" Mary Margaret laughed. "What do you think I am, some kind of monarch?"

"Fine, but this Girl Power Squad we've formed is simply too awesome to break up, so Aurora and I will come with you guys."

Aurora smiled and nodded. "I don't know how much actual help I'll be in a fight, but I'm great for morale."

Mulan shepherded her friend to the door. "Now, I can see you two have some unresolved issues to work out, so we're going to give you a moment, but don't be too long. Aurora and I have agreed to disagree on the nature of dragons, but it's just a matter of time before we find something new to fight about."

Once they were alone, Emma gestured sheepishly at the wardrobe. "I apologize for my latest bout of pyromania. I was just—"

"Forgoing the chance to be with your child in order to save it from an evil witch?" Mary Margaret finished dryly. "Yeah, I'm familiar with the concept."

"I'm sorry I've been such a cold, bitter ingrate to you lately," Emma sobbed weakly. "I've just been doing it for so long that it's going to take me some time to kick the habit."

"You'll get there, sweetie," Mary Margaret soothed, hugging her. "Heck, you should have seen me before your daddy got ahold of me."

Emma turned to leave, but Mary Margaret hung back for a moment, looking at the shattered remains of her daughter's childhood. "Estrangement sucked," she cried bitterly.

A headless puppet latched onto her leg. "HEH HEH HEH!"

"Ah!" She kicked it out a window. "All right, I'm going, I'm going!"

As soon as she was gone, Cora Apparated in with a fire extinguisher. "Damn it all!" she cursed, looking at the small pile of ashes sitting in the wardrobe's place. "How the hell did that thing manage to burn down so fast?" She tossed the canister aside and conjured a broom and dustpan. "On to Plan B."

Back in Storybrooke, Jefferson had abandoned his telescope to stalk his daughter at close range. Then he realized Emma was gone and nobody could arrest him for it, so he abandoned all attempts at secrecy. "Grace!" he hollered. "Get over here and hug me and be sure to tell Henry!"

Paige spun around. "Papa! You found me! It's about freaking time! I was this close to developing abandonment issues."

He scooped her into his arms and carried her off. "Oof! Is it just me, or have you grown unnaturally quickly in these last couple of weeks?"

The girl peeked over his shoulder. "Papa, where are we going?"

"Home."

"But shouldn't we work out a visitation schedule with my adoptive parents first? Or at least let them know I'm not dead in a gutter?"

"Eh, it's none of their damn business."

On the only street in town, Henry had somehow acquired the keys to Emma's car and was sitting at the wheel. David rapped on the window. "Hey kid! I know grand theft auto is in your blood, but I think I have a more productive hobby for you." He held up a pair of practice swords. "Henry, I visited the records office at your school today, and spent some time going over your IQ test results. In light of my findings, I've decided to make you my co-hero."

The boy grinned. "Will you teach me how to fight a dragon?"

David laughed. "Son, you're a Charming! When you meet a dragon, you'll instinctively know what to do."

As they laughed and played on the sidewalk, Albert Spencer drove by and honked his horn. "Stop being happy, damn it!"