Fester absentmindedly goes into the master bedroom, holding an armful of essential oil bottles. He trots in, and sees Gomez, lying inert, except for with a cigar in his mouth. He looks like he is concentrating intensely hard. Fester raises an eyebrow (or, where his eyebrow would be if he had any!)
Fester
Gomez!
Gomez
Yes?
Fester
Aw, but I don't think you oughtta be smoking right now. Ya can't breathe, remember?
Gomez
Uncle Fester! This is part of my new regime.
Fester
You're on a regime?
Gomez
Of course! My fitness regime.
Fester
You're on a fitness regime?
Gomez
Every convalescent must have his own fitness regime, Fester – speeds up the recovery process!
Fester
But… have times truly changed? Cause I always thought fitness included exercise, Gomez.
Gomez
Nonsense, Fester. This isn't exercise – this is self-actualization. Physical empowerment. Wellness enhancement.
Fester
What's a man like you to be… enhancing? Ya gotta be physical to be physically empowered, right?! Gee, I think the medicine's finally gotten to your head. Such a shame, such a terrible shame…
Gomez
My mouth, Fester!
Fester
What about it? Ya got a big one for a man who can't talk.
Gomez
I'm using it to hold my cigar!
Fester
Oh.
Gomez
And I'm not doing half-bad for a beginner!
Fester
Well, how long have ya kept it held up?
An alarm goes off on the computer.
Gomez
Exactly five minutes!
Fester
Gee, Gomez, I'm staggered.
Gomez
Oh, come now, don't be a spoilsport!
Fester
Lemme know when ya manage fifty-five minutes, and I'll be back, meanwhile I got stuff to do.
Gomez
Got a busy night ahead?
Fester
Not much. Gotta get rid of all the essential oils Grandmama bought, she can't stop buying 'em.
Gomez
You should empty them into the swamp and save those bottles. Could be useful some day.
Fester
Empty 'em into the swamp? Ya really are losin' it. I just drink 'em and have it done with.
Gomez
Hm. That's an interesting thought.
Fester
Shame, shame…
Fester shakes his head and leaves the room. As he opens the door, Morticia passes him coming down the hallway. Fester leaves the door open for her. As she passes him, Fester spins his finger around his temple and mouths "he's losing it". Morticia silently tuts, and shakes her head.
Back in the room, meanwhile, and feeling the tiniest bit discouraged after what Fester said, perhaps paying more attention to Fester's words than to the task at hand, Gomez finally gets too tired to keep going. He drops the cigar out of his mouth and it rolls down his chest.
A few moments later, Morticia walks in, sees the cigar on her husband's chest, and sighs.
Morticia
Darling, you're so diligent.
Gomez
Tish! Five minutes and fifty one seconds!
Morticia
My, that's just ten seconds off your record, bubeleh.
Morticia kisses her husband's forehead on instinct.
Gomez
Tish! Bubeleh – that word… I must shower you with kisses!
Morticia stretches out her arm, holding it right up to Gomez's mouth. She moves her arm across his mouth, very slowly, letting him kiss it as she moves it (or at least, allowing him to give her his attempts at a kiss). What he's doing still barely qualifies but it makes them both happy.
Morticia
You Castilians…
Gomez
I would be nothing without you, cara mia.
Morticia
Darling….
Morticia picks up the cigar.
Morticia
Would you like to try again?
Gomez
Of course, my pet.
Morticia
As you wish, dear.
She lifts the cigar and puts it back in his mouth.
Gomez
I refuse to stop until I get to 10!
Morticia
And get to 10 you will, Gomez, dear.
Gomez has a realization – everything about not stopping until he reached ten minutes goes out the window, his mind moving quickly to this new thought.
Gomez
Wait!
Morticia
Yes?
Gomez
It's seven o'clock.
Morticia initially doesn't understand the significance, but when Gomez slightly shifts his head to the side, and stares directly at the wine cabinet, Morticia realizes immediately.
Morticia
Oh, darling, do you think we should?
Gomez
Ever since that ingenious idea of yours to use your Strangler's sponge…
Morticia
Oh, Gomez, it was nothing.
Gomez
On the contrary, my dear. It was divine.
Morticia
Darling… I'll get the wine. You relax.
Gomez
I'll try, querida.
Gomez quickly flicks his eyes and head up a tiny bit, to signify to her that he isn't finished speaking, and keeps typing.
Gomez
But Tish, sometimes I feel it's impossible to relax! Not when all I want is to leap out of bed and explode - into a passionate frenzy of affection!
Morticia
Oh Gomez, you dear, beautiful soul – you are a poet. I'll fetch the wine, you turn on Skype. Our International Wine Tasting Club has been missing us, haven't they?
Gomez
Indeed, my dear, I believe they have. And I have missed your cuddles.
Morticia
But dear, it's been less than a day!
Gomez
Exactly, cara.
Morticia
Oh, my poor darling.
Gomez manages a tiny upturned smile as she caresses the side of his face.
Morticia
Just a moment, my love.
She glides over to the wine cabinet, one of many extremely extra things they have in their room. She opens a nearby box, and Thing appears from it, holding the sponge-on-a-stick. She takes it gratefully.
Morticia
Why thank you, Thing!
Gomez
That's Thing for you. Always there to lend a hand.
Morticia brings the bottle over, along with the sponge, as Gomez loads up the Skype app on his computer. Morticia puts the wine bottle and the stick on the bedside table. Then, she slowly undresses into her silken nightdress.
Gomez
You look simply ravishing, my dear.
Morticia
And you, breathtakingly handsome.
She slides into the bed beside her husband.
Gomez
Even as an invalid?
Morticia (wanting to dispel this thought from his head immediately)
Hush, Gomez. You retain both your inner and outer beauty so masterfully, even now.
Gomez
I've got you to thank for the outer beauty, my dear! You've always understood every nook and every cranny of my 15-step personal grooming regimen. Funny - sometimes I think you understand it better than I do. By George, I'd have a beard by now if it weren't for your expert knowledge!
Morticia
Oh, it's nothing, Gomez. Why… you could have your entire body destroyed, be simply a brain in a jar, and you would still be as attractive, as sweet, kind, generous, noble… your soul is the strongest, most beautiful soul there is.
Gomez
A brain in a jar… that's a thought!
Morticia
But, let's not get ourselves carried away thinking about the future when you are still just as handsome now. Only you could make pyjamas look so becoming, dear.
Gomez (blushing, doing his barely-a-smile)
Mama did always say I wore them well.
Morticia (knowingly)
And a mother's intuition is always right, dear Gomez.
A beat, as Skype continues to load, and Morticia pours herself a glass of wine from the bottle on the bedside table.
Gomez
Tish…
Morticia
Yes?
Gomez
Take my hand.
Morticia
Oh, darling, of course. Just let me get the wine ready for you.
Morticia takes the cigar out of her husband's mouth, and sets it on the bedside table too. Then, she soaks the sponge on a stick in wine and very carefully slots it into Gomez's mouth.
Morticia
Can you taste it, dear?
Gomez
Querida, it's exquisite!
Morticia
Not as exquisite as you, noble Gomez.
Gomez
You flatter me, cara mia…
Morticia
Of course I do, bubeleh…
She takes her husband's hand, and kisses him on the cheek, cuddling up to him as the Skype window finally opens, and they can begin to go online and partake in their International Couples Wine-Tasting Club.