CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE-Because Of You
Elena's P.O.V.
I bite my tongue as we load up the car that night. It's already almost 9pm by the time we leave my parents house and are back on the freeway, driving home to the apartment. I watch Stefan's focus intensify as he doesn't say anything and just holds out his hand to me.
I grab his hand into mine, tracing the lines on them as I hear him exhale deeply. Something's bothering him and like usual, Stefan's bad at hiding what it is.
"You can just say it..you know. Whatever it is, it won't hurt my feelings." I tell him, watching as he chews on the bottom of his lip and then he finally looks over at me, frustration in his eyes.
"You know if it was up to me...I would skip all this bullshit about dating..We're basically already in a long term relationship...we're going to be moving in together..the only thing is that you don't have a damn ring on your finger yet! If I could I would be taking you to city hall and making you my damn wife already." He says suddenly, smiling at me in a loving way as I feel the muscles in my mouth tighten...Is he drunk...obviously not since he's driving...but...what the hell is he even saying...making me his wife...we haven't even really had a first, second or third dinner date yet...and he's already skipped to talking about marriage?!
"Elena, It's just...I know we rushed into things. But, damn it! We're already totally untraditional...why not just say screw tradition and get married?" Stefan asks again, I swear I need to pinch myself to even understand his words...here he goes again...going on about marriage...
"Stefan, I like us the way the we are...You said it yourself...once...we're simple..I just think that being married to each other just because we kind of share a kid...that wouldn't be the right thing to do...I-" I try saying as he scuffs at my words, tightening his hands onto the steering wheel and then I watch as he flips on the turning signal, changing lanes as he looks back up at me.
"I know. It would change things...But, I want to...I just.." Stefan begins to say, struggling for words as he exhales deeply. I watch as he taps his hands on the steering wheel. "You know what? Forget that I mentioned anything...You're right. We're good the way we are." He says in an irritated tone, smiling at me in an uneasy way. I can tell that I've hit a nerve with my words and part of my heart breaks for him. But, I've always been one for waiting until it feels right and picturing us being married for all the right reasons, but at the wrong time. Would in my mind end in a quick divorce and me probably rarely seeing Lillian.
Stefan's P.O.V.
I hear her climb into bed next to me, after putting Lillian down and all I can think about is how ridiculous I ended up sounding in the car tonight. It's eating away at me as I watch her turn her back towards me, exhaling deeply as she places her hands on top of the covers and I just can't take it anymore, I need to say something.
"So, your basically telling me that you wouldn't want to get married ever or would it be that you would never want to be married to a man like me?" I ask, harshness in my voice as Elena turns around with a huff, she's pissed and at this point, I don't care, I want her to feel my anger.
"Stefan. Please, I never said that! I just said that I don't want to change anything..I can see myself married to someone one day, maybe to you even. But, I just like the way things are now..Plus, we haven't even moved in together yet." She exhales, turning on a bedside lamp in our small cramped bedroom.
"So, what is it that you're afraid of? Are you afraid that once we move in together that we'll end up realizing how much of a mistake it is and then you'll be thankful that when I asked you to marry me, that you said...'Oh Stefan, I just like simplicity. I love you, but...that..would be the biggest mistake of my life!" I tell her, mocking some of her words from earlier as I watch her glare at me.
"You want to know what I'm scared of? Do you, because I can tell you what it is!" She says, getting up from the bed quickly and tightening her robe as I stare at her. Elena's cheeks are red and she's got hatred directed right at me in her eyes as she places her shaking hands onto her hips.
"I'm afraid of it happening to me too! I'm scared that once we get into a comfortable place, that once we're happy that something will happen to ruin it! I want to be married one day, I want to have kids of my own too! But, I don't want to end up like her! One day the happiest new mom and the next day, she's dead! Ripped away from everyone and everything she loved because of me, ruining it all!" Elena says, tears escaping her eyes as she kneels down onto the floor, sobbing and broken as I watch her, gasping for breaths.
" Elena. You're not going to end up like Katherine. Elena, it was an accident, It could have happened to anyone..." My voice trails off as I too get up from bed, walking over to where she is on the floor and holding her against my chest, her head against my heart as I sooth her crying with my words.
"Elena, it wasn't your fault...Things like that happen every day and what happened to Katherine was an accident. I know you feel like you're responsible for it. But, sweetie.. please know that you're not. No one blames you for what happened." I tell her in a comforting tone as I rub her back, feeling Elena's tears seep into my dark green short sleeve shirt as she continues to cry and I continue to hold her, feeling her pain break my heart as she mumbles how much she misses Katherine and how some days she wishes that it wouldn't have been Katherine who died. How she wishes she could have taken her sisters place.
Elena's P.O.V.
My meltdown last night isn't spoken about in the morning as I watch Stefan and Lillian bond over her feeding time. I pick at my food, a breakfast that Stefan made and all I can seem to run on a loop in my head is how guilty I feel about everything lately. I know that Stefan's right, I'm not to blame for what happened but why does it still feel like I am? That dark and gloomy part of me still feels so empty and the guilt that is killing the part of my heart that's trying to move on is suffocating every single cell in my body.
His voice breaks the trance I have on the strawberry covered in maple syrup that I'm pushing around on my plate, when my puffy red eyes meet his green and gently gaze. "Come on, eat up. I called Bonnie and Caroline to be here for a little bit and help out with babysitting..and I also told one of the guys at the bar to keep an eye out for customers. You and I have something to do today." He tells me in a hopeful tone as I lock my pain filled look with his green intense eyes.
"I was just thinking that we could..." My voice trails off. What I really want to tell him is that all I want to do is curl up into a blanket and wish I could be dead. But, knowing Stefan and how persistent he can be, I just nod my head. "Fine, Okay. Sounds good." I say in a flat tone, wishing that I could sound more excited but last night really did a number on me both mentally and physically and that's all I can manage, an automatic answer.
He exhales as he lifts himself up from the dining room chair. "Okay, then. I'm going to go get Lillian changed and ready for her day with her aunt's and then you and I can head out." He tells me, picking up Lillian with both hands and bending down towards me, kissing my cheek softly as I watch him disappear into the hallway and out of my view.
It's been almost an hour since we've left the house and I can tell that by the way his hands are clutching the steering wheel that he's nervous. But, instead of asking him what's wrong, I ignore it. Looking out the window at the sun shining through and feeling the warmth on my cold skin.
I watch as he turns down a dirt road and into a green familiar field, I nearly want to jump out of the car and scream, turn back home and tell him that it's a bad idea to be here! But, instead I've got one hand in my lap, nervously tapping my fingers against my knees and the other in a death gripping hold on the arm rest of passenger side door.
"I know that you're scared. But, you also never got to give her a proper goodbye. Elena, it will set you free...I promise. You can tell her anything you want..She'll listen and she'll probably hear it too." He says in an encouraging tone as he stops the car and places it in park, turning off the engine as he sits with me in silence for a while.
Until he clears his throat and my tired voice speaks."Why did you have to bring me here? Out of all the places that you could of taken me..you bring me to say goodbye to her? I already said my goodbye's at her funeral!" I tell him in an irritated tone, trying to argue. But, Stefan won't have it.
He shakes his head and grabs my head into his, kissing my knuckles as he looks out into the large cemetery that's in front of us. "Elena, I know you did. But, It's time you give a proper goodbye to your sister...just you and her. No interruptions...I'll be waiting in the car, just let me know what you're ready." Stefan says as he looks up at me, kissing my hands once more as he lets them go and nods in an encouraging way, almost telling me silently that's it okay, that I need to be here to put this pain I'm feeling to rest...to finally move on.
A/N: Hey Guys! Hope you liked that little update! Let me know what you think, sorry if it was sad..I've actually been meaning to add the last part somewhere in this story for the longest time now.
Anyways, Thanks for Reading!
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