Episode 25: Blackstar and Russetfur's Wedding
A dark ginger tom was standing on a well-lit stage, which was now decorated with pink and yellow roses. The tom held Tansy's camera, ready to address both the live audience and the viewers at home.
"Hello and welcome to Win a Date with Nightcloud," he meowed. "I'm sure you're all wondering where Tansy is, but I've come to fill in for her today. You'll just have to deal with Rowanclaw- the greatest deputy in ShadowClan history- as your camera-cat for the day. Anyway, since this is the twenty-fifth episode, Tansy said we needed to do something really special. Nightcloud, Leafpool, and Brokenstar all got together and decided that for the show we ought to have a wedding. So for this episode, Blackstar and Russetfur will be getting married right on stage!"
Rowanclaw stepped off of the stage, still holding the camera. "Now let's bring out the guy who's going to officiate the wedding…please give some wild applause for Brokenstar!"
The ragged brown tabby padded onto the stage, smoothing his tuxedo with his paws. "This is one job I never saw myself having," he muttered.
"You be pleasant!" the camera-cat ordered. "It's not every day that Blackstar gets married!"
Brokenstar just shook his head. "Well, you should have gotten Ravenpaw or Barley to officiate. This was not on my contract!"
Rowanclaw shrugged. "Whatever. Anyway, now for the presentation of the bridesmaids!"
Beautiful piano music began playing on the loudspeakers as three she-cats padded down the aisle of the auditorium. Nightcloud, Leafpool, and Tansy were all wearing frilly green dresses with large satin bows, and they all looked hideous. Only one of them looked very happy to be there.
"Oh, isn't this just the prettiest dress ever?" Nightcloud gushed, twirling around in her dress. "Russetfur has great taste!"
"This dress is too poofy!" Leafpool grumbled. "And the ruffles are itchy!"
Tansy looked equally unhappy. "This dress makes my haunches look big!"
"I think you all look lovely," Brokenstar meowed. "At least you don't have to wear a tuxedo!"
Rowanclaw flashed the tom an amused glance. "It's a step up from what you usually wear. Those girly sweaters are awful!"
"Just let the groomsmen come out!" the security guard hissed.
"Oh. I forgot about the groomsmen," the camera-cat mewed. "Come on out, boys!"
Tigerstar, Darkstripe, and Sol all padded down the aisle, looking as if they would rather be anywhere else. As the approached the stage, two of them sent the audience furious glares.
"Look at this tuxedo!" Tigerstar spat. "This doesn't say 'evil'! This says 'I'm a nice guy'! I hate it!"
Darkstripe loosened his belt buckle slightly. "Why on earth did Blackstar make us be his groomsmen? This isn't fair!"
"I think I look quite dashing," Sol meowed calmly. "Don't I look handsome?"
Rowanclaw nodded. "You do, for an evil brainwashing devil cat!"
The tortoiseshell tom shrugged. "I can't help it if you don't believe every word I say. I'm always right. It's you Clan cats who are wrong."
"Whatever," the ShadowClan deputy growled.
Tansy stepped forward, her dress swishing as she moved. "Let the flower girls come out!"
Rowanclaw nodded. "Alright, girls, you can come out now!"
Two little black she-cats wearing frilly green dresses bounced down the aisle, tossing rose petals everywhere.
"Yay! Weddings are fun!" Star squealed excitedly.
"We should do this more often!" Mallow cried.
Brokenstar snorted. "You are never going to get me in this tuxedo again!"
"And now for the groom!" Rowanclaw announced, wasting no time.
Blackstar began padding down the aisle, escorted by Tawnypelt. The she-cat looked a bit disgruntled at having to work at the wedding.
"Why couldn't Blackstar's mother do this?" she asked Rowanclaw as the two cats reached the stage.
"Because I'm the camera-cat," her mate replied. "If I have to be a part of this, then so do you!"
Blackstar nodded. "And you look lovely, Tawnypelt." Glancing at the bridesmaids, he added, "More lovely than they do, anyway…"
"Watch it, you!" Leafpool hissed.
"I'm a pretty princess!" Nightcloud mewed, spinning around.
Rowanclaw heaved a sigh. "And now for the bride…"
A beautiful she-cat in a lacey white dress began padding down the aisle, escorted by her father, Hal.
"She's so beautiful…" Blackstar sighed.
Hal glared at the tom. "If you hurt my daughter, I'll hurt you!"
Star and Mallow ran up to the bride and tugged on her dress.
"Can we wear your dress later?" Star asked.
"Pleasey?" Mallow added. "It's so pretty!"
Sol rolled his eyes. "Kits! They are soooo annoying!"
"And to think half of the fandom thinks I liked you!" Blackstar growled at the tom. "I can't stand you!"
"Let's just do the wedding," Rowanclaw meowed.
Brokenstar sighed, staring at the bride and groom with narrow eyes. "Will you, Blackstar, take Russetfur to be your lawfully wedded wife? To love her and to kill her and to make her kits warriors when they're still babies and to feed her deathberries and to kick her out of the Clan when she's old and hate her forever and all eternity?"
"I do," Blackstar meowed, looking slightly creeped out by Brokenstar's speech.
"And will you, Russetfur," the security guard continued, "take Blackstar to be your lawfully wedded husband? To love him and to kill him and to drown your kits in a river and to get revenge on every tom who's ever wronged you and to rip their intestines out and to make his life miserable by being a nagging housewife and a terrible parent to your evil kits and hate him forever and all eternity?"
"I do," Russetfur breathed, looking more than slightly creeped out by Brokenstar's speech.
"Then I now pronounce you stalker husband and should-have-gotten-a-restraining-order wife. You may now squeeze your bride in a massive hug."
"Yay!" Blackstar cried, wrapping his paws tightly around Russetfur.
"Blackie!" she yowled, struggling in his grasp. "You're suffocating me!"
The two little flower girls sighed dreamily.
"I hope I'll find a tom like that someday…" Star mewed.
"I'm going to marry Bramblestar…" Mallow breathed.
"I'm a pretty princess!" Nightcloud cried, beginning to twirl around the stage happily. The other two bridesmaids stared at her for a moment, and then shrugged and joined in. The groomsmen soon followed suit. Tigerstar twirled with Tansy, Sol twirled with Leafpool, and Nightcloud twirled with Darkstripe.
Rowanclaw set his camera down. "So, Tawny-love, want to twirl around with me?"
"No!" she spat. "You made me escort Blackstar!"
Brokenstar padded up to the she-cat. "How dare you have a bad attitude at my deputy's wedding!" he snarled.
"You had a bad attitude!"
"So?" he asked. "I'm evil. I'm allowed to. You are not." He then grabbed a bouquet of roses and whacked Tawnypelt with them.
Tawnypelt ducked away from the flowers, glaring at the security guard. "Ow!"
"Feel the thorns! Feel the lovely thorns!" Brokenstar cried, continuing to whack the she-cat.
Tansy stopped her twirling and hit her head with her paws. "And this was such a nice wedding…"