Shepard lay entangled with Kaidan, her cheek pressed to his bare chest, counting his breaths as high as she was able. It was early morning, too early to get up and yet too late to go back to sleep. He sighed sleepily as she poked his cheek and she sing-songed, "Lazy bones, come on. You're always nagging me to wake up, now it's your turn."
Blinking sleepily at her, he mumbled, "Shepard, you're an awful woman."
"I know," she laughed as he bent his head to kiss her, sour morning breath and all. "But hey, if you don't want morning sex, well I'll just roll right over."
She made to turn over; smirking but he grabbed her shoulder.
"Hey, hey, where you going? I never said that."
His hands snuck under the blankets to stroke her thigh and she kissed him, mumbling against his lips, "Thought I was an awful woman?"
"I lied."
They kissed and cuddled in bed, their PJs falling away. Their laughter echoed around the room and then they quieted, the sounds turning into the evidence of something else entirely. Her breathy moans, his grunts and more filled the cabin. Shepard's body was his and Kaidan's every curve, freckle and dimple was hers.
When they were finished she lay against his sweat-soaked chest, and his hand alternately stroked her back, over the sensitive fading bruise there, and then further up to play with the ends of her hair.
She was still tingling from her orgasm, still wet with his release between her thighs and she thought for all the hardship they had endured lately it was still one of the happiest times in her life, because he was there to share it with her.
She propped herself on an elbow, smiling at his satisfied expression. He looked like a big sleepy lion, lazy and proud of himself. "One last thing: I want a morning story too."
"That's not a thing like morning sex," he teased.
"It so is a thing. You read to me, that's how it goes. Come on, we're halfway through The Little Prince. I can make it a Shepard Rule if you want?"
"No, no," he held his hands up in defense, grinning. "Give me the book. I wouldn't want to incur your wrath."
Shepard dove over the side of the bed, scooping the book up from where she'd dropped it last night as she fell asleep trying to make sense of the strange words. She would try to read them herself, and even though Kaidan was sometimes able to read it without the aid of his 'tool translation, Shepard had to use it for every word. It was too hard and she would skip words, having to read a sentence five times or more for over fifteen minutes and still miss the meaning. She always missed the meanings of things, she thought bitterly.
She handed it to him, curling back up against his side, watching his eyes and face as he begun:
"'I dropped my eyes, then, to the foot of the wall-and I leaped into the air. There before me, facing the little prince, was one of those yellow snakes that take just thirty seconds to bring your life to an end. Even as I was digging into my pocket to get out my revolver I made a running step back. But, at the noise I made, the snake let himself flow easily across the sand like the dying spray of a fountain, and, in no apparent hurry, disappeared, with a light metallic sound, among the stones.
I reached the wall just in time to catch my little man in my arms; his face was white as snow.
"What does this mean?" I demanded. "Why are you talking with snakes?"
I had loosened the golden muffler that he always wore. I had moistened his temples, and had given him some water to drink. And now I did not dare ask him any more questions. He looked at me very gravely, and put his arms around my neck. I felt his heart beating like the heart of a dying bird, shot with someone's rifle . . .'"
"I like this." Shepard nodded approvingly at his dramatic reading. He was excellent at it. Kaidan didn't stumble over the words and always used the right voices. "It's some heavy shit for a kid's book, but I like it."
He put the book down and glanced at the time on his omni-tool. Kaidan started to roll out of bed as he said, "Yeah me too."
Shepard sighed, enjoying the view of his bare ass but knowing she should get up too. The Illusive Man wanted another 'staff meeting' and she had some crew issues and small missions to do.
She padded to the shower, unashamedly wiggling her naked body for his benefit and cheekily called from the bathroom door, "Well Mr. Alenko, you can just go steal your own thousands of cred valued copy, because that one is mine."
She squealed, rushing to shut the door as he made a silly face and playfully jogged over to her, smothering her faces in kisses and whispered to her ear, "That's ok. I can share."
Her shower wasn't really big enough for two and she wasn't very good at sharing, but that morning she didn't mind at all.
The Illusive Man was waiting for her as always, his crisp suit, his whiskey, his dying star. She wondered if he ever slept or did normal human things. Did he have morning sex, shower, and go to the bathroom?
She shook her head, suddenly disgusted by the thought of the Illusive Man banging some Cerberus flunky.
"Shepard." He nodded cordially and she nodded back as he continued, "EDI relayed some interesting information to me. Thank you for taking care of Project Overlord earlier in the week."
"I shouldn't have had to take care of it," she censured. "It shouldn't have happened. It was sick."
"You are, of course, correct. Gavin Archer took things too far. If I had known…"
"You would have shut it down?"
"Of course. Don't doubt me, Shepard. I'm a reasonable man." He took a deep drag of his cigarette, pausing and she shifted in her stance. "I only want the best for my projects, for the people working under me, the same as you only want the best for your crew. I have quite a few dear to my heart and humanity's ambitions. We're alike, you and I. The missions are progressing well, I take it?"
"Yeah." She nodded, "They are. Only a couple lingering issues."
"Good. Excellent work, I knew you wouldn't let me down." He praised and stood, padding closer to her on the QEC pad. "How is your back?" he asked, genuine concern in his voice. "I was worried when EDI informed me of your injury and I was concerned that the unfortunate hacking of your cybernetics on Aite may have hampered your healing."
"It's uh, fine thanks. Mostly healed."
It was only thanks to Kaidan, she thought, that she was healing effectively. Every night he massaged her back for her, using that cream he knew from his medic work that would help the healing muscles and spinal damage. After Morinth had first hurt her, she had been stiff for days but under his care she now felt almost completely like her old self.
The Illusive Man nodded, satisfied, and sat back down to take a sip of whiskey. "Have you thought some more about my offer? The position at my side, with Commander Alenko at yours?"
"I've thought about it…"
"And?"
"I'm not sure. I don't think-"
He cut over her, "Alenko won't agree will, he?"
Shepard crossed her arms, and lifted her chin challengingly, "He's not leaving the ship."
"That's not your choice. Come now, Shepard," he cajoled. "You must understand that we have sensitive projects that we are working on. They can't be exposed to some Alliance loyalist who will whisper all our secrets to his superior officers. What if they jeopardize our mission to defeat the Collectors? All you had fought and bled and died for would be for nothing."
Shepard thought of losing all she had clawed for with tooth and nail all these months and decided she wouldn't even know how to react if someone invalidated all their training, all the struggling to face the Collectors. They had murdered her. They had to pay.
"He's not going to betray me," she said reprovingly.
"What if he does?"
Shepard frowned. "I don't follow."
"The Council and the Alliance are concerned with your mission." The Illusive Man waved a hand, the smoke trailing after it. "They think you're building some kind of…sedition against them. They're afraid of your growing clout, the professionalism of your crew."
"What are you saying?"
"You know better than anyone that the best way to take down a Spectre is to send another Spectre to finish the job."
Shepard couldn't help her jaw dropping at the possibility that they thought her such a threat. "You think they'll send a Spectre after me, drag me back to the Citadel in chains?"
"The Citadel," he agreed and added, "Or Earth to Alliance HQ for court-martial. And they don't always take prisoners, Shepard. You didn't with Saren."
"I'm not Saren," she huffed, offended.
"Of course not," he soothed immediately. "I can see that plainly. But…I cannot say the same for the Alliance or the Council. This is only my take on the situation, obviously." He took another sip of his drink and Shepard marveled that for a non-biotic he could hold his alcohol very well. "They are content to see what you do about the colony disappearances but once that threat is solved, you'll need protection, Shepard. Cerberus can provide that and more."
"What about Anderson?" she asked, thinking of her dear friend. She couldn't believe he'd let them send a Spectre out to capture or assassinate her. "He'd vouch for the good work I'm doing."
"He's trying with mixed success. But you can't trust him either." He paused, and then said with a raise of his eyebrows, "Alenko has told you, right?"
"Told me what?"
"What he's doing on the Normandy?"
Shepard shrugged, not sure what she was missing. "He's helping me. He wants to be here with me."
"Oh." The Illusive Man made a pitying face. "He hasn't it seems. I'm sorry, Commander. But he's here on Anderson's orders." Shepard's eyes widened as he continued, "You know, don't you? That Anderson is prepping him for the Spectres as your replacement."
The words rung in silence for a moment, a wave crashed over her to take away her hearing.
"What?!" she exclaimed, confused and hurt. "Since when?"
"Probably since your death two years ago," he shrugged. "Yes, they've become quite close. Dare I say, almost to the mentorship level David Anderson once shared with you?"
Her mind raced, thinking back to Horizon and Hock's party and the bizarre format of the missions the Alliance had sent Kaidan on. It was strange to be on one-man ops unless Anderson was testing him, unless it was an exercise for the Council. Understanding and the sharp sting of betrayal lanced through her. "I can't believe he wouldn't tell me…"
"It is possible he was unaware of Anderson's maneuvering. But Alenko is politically savvy-"
Shepard cut him off, "He would have known."
She heard the coldness in her voice, the fury. He could have told her what he and Anderson were doing. How could he keep these things from her?
"I only tell you this out of concern for your wellbeing, Shepard. I worry that Alenko is playing you, using you the way you are unwilling to use him, like I suggested."
Shepard stared at the Illusive Man steadily, wishing for some of his whiskey to soothe the burn of tears in her throat.
Her face was blank as he continued, "You remember? Weeks ago I mentioned charm, influence, emotions, sex. He would tell you he loved you, right?" Shepard swallowed thinking back to that morning and the pleasant ache between her legs now. "And while you slept who knows what emails he might read. You shut EDI's sensors down in the night, don't you? So she doesn't see you sleep together. What if he calculated that?"
"You-you're wrong," She protested, sick at heart. "Kaidan wouldn't do that."
"Of course." He agreed but continued, a gleam in his eyes, "Not the man you once knew. But a lot of things have changed over the past two years. He had years to grow away from your shadow and develop ambitions." The Illusive Man sighed, "I only wish I could help guide you on the right path."
Shepard stood ramrod straight, her military training kicking into gear and putting steel into her back. She could think of nothing to say, his words sinking cruelly beneath her skin and taking root in her heart. She thought of nothing so she spoke of nothing and just swallowed.
"I can see this has upset you." He took another sip and said quietly, "My apologies. Alenko might be innocent in all this. But I want you to be wary of the Council's reach, of the Spectres and the Alliance. They're a danger to you and a danger to this mission."
"…Thanks for warning me," Shepard croaked and then coughed to clear it, making her voice strong and determined. "They're not bringing me in."
"I would expect nothing less. I'm wiring more creds to you; I want you to armor the ship securely. And I want you to buy some upgrades for your armor or amp. Take care of yourself, Shepard."
As she turned to leave he called to her, "And please do take…certain precautions in your relationship with Alenko. You are free to make your own choices in life, but it would be a shame if something was to put you out of commission."
She stepped off the QEC pad and wondered how things had changed from this morning. Doubt ate at her heart, a black cancer curling around it, putrefying the happiness that was once there.
She sat in the mess with a cup of coffee an hour later, a headache ringing through her skull. She'd had EDI check her email and it didn't appear that he'd tampered with it. Kasumi still had her greybox. But there was still queasiness in her stomach, and the oily film on the top of her coffee made her want to vomit. She didn't know what to say to him, she didn't know how to ask. Was this all an act to him? Was this some game of loyalties he was playing?
He could be manipulating her for the Alliance, just a mole to keep tabs. He had been so stubborn on Horizon, so…angry. And he seemed to have only stayed on the ship after talking to Anderson. He'd even been resistant as he lay in the med bay after being shot and they had kissed. If that hadn't made him change his mind, maybe it was just Anderson's orders that did it.
He hated Miranda, they were always fighting. They could barely be in the same room without a snide comment to each other. Kaidan hated Cerberus and she knew he chafed under her decisions sometimes.
If he could convince her to surrender to the Alliance or somehow sabotage Cerberus' ambitions…well, he'd been promoted from Lieutenant to Staff Commander in the years she had been gone. How far away was Spectre Major Alenko? What price had they promised him to pay for it?
"Shepard!"
As if summoned by her thoughts, there he was, dashing breathless into the mess with a smile on his face. Shepard swallowed another burn of tears.
"I came to warn you," he laughed and fell into the seat beside her. "Grunt tortured it out of me."
"…What?" She was proud that he voice sounded normal.
Kaidan laughed again, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. "He was uh, begging me to know why you smelled like flowers as I did some inventory and he got it out of me. I'd watch your shampoo."
"Yeah." She gave a weak smile, "Thanks."
His face fell and she knew her mask hadn't been so successful. Maybe she was just bad at hiding her feelings from him, though.
"Hey, hey, hey." He placed a hand on her shoulder and asked with a worried frown, "What's wrong? Is your back sore?"
She shrugged off his hand. "No. No, it's fine. I just need some…um space right now."
"Oh, ok." He was serious now, all traces of that smile he had worn gone. He nodded and swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing. "That's fine. Grunt, Jack and I were going to go kick a ball around in the shuttle bay anyway. If you need me, I'll be there."
He got up and instead of offering him a kiss or a smile like she usually would, she just nodded.
"Fine."
Shepard didn't watch his back as he walked away, the oil in her cold coffee held less painful interest.
Shepard spent the rest of the day in conference with some of her crew individually, checking all the upgrades preformed on the ship. They were almost ready; as soon as they collected the Reaper IFF they could be ready to hit the Collectors through the relay. She planned to visit the Citadel after she had the IFF, one last time, to make final prep and help Garrus and Thane. She had thought once that she would just live until the Collectors weren't. That if she died in her mission she would at least make sure she took them out.
But now, with her depression lifted she wanted to do her best to come back. There would be no way she'd let anyone die on their mission. There was no way she'd let Kaidan die, no matter her feelings for him.
Last she went to check in with Garrus. His work on the guns was already complete but she felt the need for his familiar comfort, his easy going nature. She didn't want Kasumi or Samara to look into her eyes and see the storm brewing there.
"Hey, Garrus."
He turned and nodded, a flap of his mandible his version of a smile. "Shepard."
"Calibrations?" she asked, looking at his busy work area, soldering tools and rags scattered around.
"No, actually." He shook his head and gestured to the table, and she could see the armor he was wearing when he was hit with a missile. "Working on some armor, trying to repair the scorches."
"I bought you a new suit, you know."
He shrugged. "I like the old one."
"Hmm," she hummed noncommittally.
"Hey now, what's wrong?" he barked a laugh at whatever he saw on her face and she thought she might have been unconsciously pouting as she toyed with one of his cleaning rags. "You have that look on your face."
"Everything." She sighed, "Nothing."
"That's helpful. Eloquent as always, Shepard."
"Hey, shut up Vakarian." She gave him a weak grin and threw a rag at him, hitting him in the face.
Garrus pulled it off, threw it back in her face and then sat on a crate, shrugging his arms as if to say 'Well? I'm listening.'
She sighed again and sat next to him, his armor roughly brushing the Cerberus jacket she wore.
"How do…how do you cope with betrayal?" she started. "Even if they don't mean to, but…"
"Who betrayed you?" he said, sharply. "I can kick their ass."
"No, it's ok," she soothed. "Hypothetical, say."
"I cope by taking from them what they took from me."
He glared at his armor lying on the table, the scorches he couldn't scrub out. Shepard thought she had never seen his eyes so cold, pales slits of vengeance.
"You can't take Sidonis' life more than once," she said as gently as she could manage.
"Once is enough. He took my whole crew, Shepard," he hissed fiercely. "Imagine if someone on this squad got everyone on the Normandy killed. Joker, Kasumi, Samara, Miranda, Kaidan – all of them. All with neat little bullets in their brains, execution style."
She said nothing, picturing the grisly sight. She imagined going up to her cabin and seeing Kaidan lying there, still and cold with a hole in his forehead, a bullet path through his brain.
Garrus continued, "What would you honestly do, Shepard?"
"I would murder every last person responsible. You're right, Garrus."
They sat in silence for long moments and then Garrus reached around behind her, his arm brushing her back and produced two bottles of beer from behind a crate.
"Figured we could use this," he drawled as he handed her one.
"Thanks," she said and took a long swig. It was still cold; he must have had a stash buried here in a cooler.
She sighed after a while and confessed, "This is…I'm worried whether I'm doing the right thing. If Kaidan-"
She looked away from his face as he did the turian version of raised eyebrows, and his nose wrinkled.
"This going to sound…weird after our um, talk before," he fumbled and she knew he was talking about that night in her cabin. There was a twinge of embarrassment in her stomach but she managed to keep it from heating her cheeks.
He shifted on the crate. "And I want you to know that I don't… Well, you know. But are things not working out?"
"Yes and no." Shepard leant forward, leaning the cool beer on her forehead to calm her thoughts. "There's something massive in between us and sometimes it's so big I can't see past it. And I know he has an even harder time than me. I'm Cerberus now, he's Alliance."
"It's not my place to say what you should do, Shepard."
"I know, and I'm sorry." She shook her head, leaning back on the crate and smiling wearily at him. "I just wanted to someone to listen. I've been fooling myself."
"No, you haven't," he protested. "You've been doing a damn good job under difficult circumstances. You've been doing more than anyone else would."
"We're going to the Citadel after we check out the derelict Reaper. I'll take care of Sidonis with you. Don't you worry, Gar. I know that people should pay for what they do."
"Really?" he said with some surprise in his voice. "I have to be honest; I didn't think you would agree."
Shepard swallowed and decided to explain something to him, something Kaidan knew already but she hadn't told to anyone else beside Anderson.
"When I was young, first joined the Alliance," she started. "I was, you know, assigned training. And it was my first time leaving Earth. But when I was away I got a notice."
Garrus made a humming noise, like rocks rolling around in his throat and Shepard was comforted by it.
She continued and said with no emotion, "My baby brother was dead. He wasn't really a baby then, but in my heart he was."
Shepard stopped, blinking back tears and Garrus put one long arm around her shoulders, dwarfing her.
She leant her head on his shoulder and explained, "I'd left Earth to get away from the monster I was becoming. I said to myself: 'You're going to be a good person now.' Milo had started to…to get into the street life in a bad way and no matter what I done, I couldn't talk to him. I couldn't help him."
She took an awkward sip of beer, spilling some down her chin. The words she said next were like pulling razor blades from her mouth, "And he OD'ed while I was gone. And his body was so ugly. These sores and he was so thin. And you know what? I knew why he was like that. I knew why he grew up to think that was all he had. I was so close myself for a while there. But I wasn't enough for him. I wasn't enough to keep him safe when my mother…my mother got bored of hitting me."
Garrus shifted uncomfortably, squeezing her shoulders, "Shepard…"
"He was still so young," she barreled on, rushing to tell him. "His whole life before him. And maybe if I hadn't hooked up with the Reds and spent more time at home shielding him, he would have been ok. Maybe if I hadn't taken the easy way out and joined the Alliance, if I had stuck it out, he could still be here."
Garrus said nothing but his talon patted her slightly on her arm. She wished it was Kaidan for a cruel moment and then remembered she was pissed at him with a sick swoop of her stomach.
"How many people I love die because of me? Because of my choices?" she mumbled, half to herself.
"Is this why you think people should pay for what they do?" he asked and took a sip of beer. "Because of your mother?"
"She never paid. I never made her." Shepard shrugged. "She could still be alive for all I know. I had the chance to kill her, before she got to him and I was too weak to take the opportunity."
She wasn't weak anymore. Cerberus had given her power; she had an amp that could almost compare to a Matriarch's power. She had a crew that was the best in the galaxy. She had training, fifty ways to know how to kill a man with just her body alone. She had years of breaths to take, time, thanks to Cerberus and Liara. She was alive to take her revenge on the Collectors for spacing her and stealing everything from her.
Shepard said bitterly, "She tricked me, she betrayed me with lies about how she loved me. And because I wanted to be loved, I believed her. I could have ended it."
"I loved that kid, Garrus." She turned to look the turian in the eyes but there were no tears in hers and she met his gaze boldly, with blue fire burning in her irises. "He was my everything. No one loved me like he did. It was so innocent. He trusted me. He had green eyes, can you believe that?" Garrus shook his head, mandibles fluttering in a sad expression.
"Such a rare thing for humans these days." She sighed, "Mostly, everyone has brown eyes like Kaidan, you know? I look like my mother and got her cold eyes, but he took after his dad, I think. He wasn't my dad, of course…" she trailed off, lost in memories and aware she was rambling.
Then she gathered herself, "I didn't give birth to him but I knew even as a ten year old that I was a child raising a baby."
"What about Kaidan?" he asked and she knew he was referring to the fact that she said no one loved her like Milo. "He loves you, doesn't he?"
"It's a different love." She thought of how they sneaked around on the SR1, risking their careers and all impartibility and said bluntly, "It's a more selfish love. We should never have hooked up on the SR1. We weren't fair to anyone and it was dangerous. I knew the whole thing was a massive mistake, but I did it anyway because I loved him. Maybe it was just lust. I dunno," she muttered, swigging some more beer.
"Do you still think you made a mistake?" Garrus took his arm from her shoulder and stood, roughly pulling his scorched armor to his work table and beginning to work. She knew he felt uncomfortable with her frankness.
"…I don't know."
Shepard finished her beer and went to sit with Joker in the cockpit, running simulations on what they could encounter beyond the Omega 4 Relay. She told herself she was working for the good of the crew, not avoiding Kaidan.
She didn't really believe herself.