Waiting for the Inevitable

They had a very quiet journey and barely spoke ten words to each other until they finally reached the hotel Leon had elected.

"We've got two separate rooms," he said and handed D a keycard, hesitated. "There's no connecting door," he added. "But if I understand the guys right, there's a balcony in front that connects them..."

The kami smiled, an effort to show his lover that he understood and that he wasn't angry, although all he wished to do was fall into his bed and sleep until this nightmare was over. During the flight he'd come to realise that this might have the advantage of not having to watch Leon leave the shop, but that they also were alone now. Alone for the first time ever, without the shop or Dana around who would take the worst pain away.

"Very well," he answered softly. He couldn't hold it against the human that he wished to sleep in another room, considering what he'd told him at the airport...

But how he wished Leon would understand him for once, too.

They met in the restaurant that evening and had dinner together, watching all the other crazies who'd come here in February, despite the bitter cold. There were a few couples, smiling at each other happily, a few elder people, but this was definitely not the time people chose to have a look at the Yellowstone.

D wondered why they had come here at all. What did Leon want this tour to become?

"Why have you brought me here?" he asked over dessert. The human swallowed and looked at his ice cream to choose the next bite.

"Isn't that obvious? I want to talk to you. I want to get over with everything. I'm sick of you keeping secrets, I don't want to be a guest in the shop anymore."

D's heart clenched. "So this is supposed to be one of those relationship-fixing holidays?" he made sure.

Leon looked at him and nodded. "Yeah. More or less. I don't really know. Do you think there's anything we can still fix? I've been in the pet shop, you know. While I was comatose. I guess your explanation with Kanan fits. I was probably seeing it through her eyes, although there were no pets in it."

D lowered his gaze.

"It was strange, you know," Leon said quietly. "To see all those landscapes in there, fitting into tiny little rooms… But it also was kind of normal. I mean, in my dream. It didn't feel wrong."

"What does feel wrong, then?" D traced a finger over the table.

"The pets. You. I don't know what to think about you anymore. I don't know where I stand in this damn shop. Why are you always keeping secrets?"

"Perhaps because I know that you do not want to know some things about the shop and me."

"Dammit, D, it can't work like that." Leon threaded a hand through his hair, looked around and decided that this place was far too public to discuss these matters. "Let's go somewhere more private. Have you already settled in?"

D glanced at him, nodded and led the way to his room.

Instead of staying in the room, he opened the door to the balcony which connected their rooms and then led down to the floor in a staircase. Leon followed him outside and shivered in the cold night air.

They stood there for a while, lost in the sight of the sky stretching high above them. Then D's voice floated through the darkness. "Do you regret it?"

Leon turned his head to him. "What?"

The kami took a deep breath. "Meeting me."

It was quiet for another long while. "No," Leon said finally. "No, not meeting you. I regret a lot of things – not punching your face in for what you did, for example, or stopping to search for you, or not making my mind up in time – but not meeting you."

A soft, fluttering sigh came from D's direction. Leon leaned against the railing. "And you?" he asked.

The slim silhouette moved in a headshake. "No, Detective, I do most certainly not regret meeting you, despite everything that happened."

"If we could turn back time..."

D sighed again and stopped him thus. "Even if we might want to, we cannot. You know that."

Another silence lasted over the balcony.

"Yeah, I know. You'd have to sell yourself a pet..."

"It still would not change the past. Just offer a chance at a new beginning," D replied. "And I'm not even sure I would be able to adhere the terms of the contract..."

"What, you? Of course you'd be able to. You know more about animals than anyone else."

D took a deep breath. "That is not what the contracts are about, Leon. They are about a lot of things – love, truth, hope – but most of all, they are about acceptance. About accepting boundaries." His lips quirked. "And while I may be able to accept a pet's nature, it seems I am having difficulties accepting the nature of the one thing I really want."

He could not tell Leon more clearly that he loved him more than anything in this world. And how hopeless the situation was, despite their feelings.

"Well, join the club," Leon mumbled and scratched his head uncomfortably. "We're really in deep shit, aren't we?"

"Yes," D agreed quietly.

"Think we can work it out?"

"I do not know," the kami answered honestly. "I once thought we could, but – I think I overestimated our ability to adjust..."

"Do you love me?"

D turned to face Leon and nodded, holding the human's eyes. Far too much to deal with it, Leon. Far too much to bear the feeling that I'm losing you. I love you with all my selfish heart, and that's why this won't work.

He did not ask if Leon loved him, though. He preferred not to have the last bit of hope destroyed, and hated himself for having become so weak.

"And why?"

He smiled, the ghost of a pained smile. "Because I feel safe in your arms," he said quietly. "Because then I can forget what usually haunts me day and night. I feel like I can just be me, without all that fuss of the shop and my life..."

Leon extended a hand and touched his cheek. "Would I could say the same," he whispered.

D swallowed tears and managed a real smile. "Would I could make you feel the same."

"I don't understand you," the human continued, sounding confused. "You're such a mystery to me, all the time. I don't know why – it's just this way. And I hate it."

The smile grew bitter. Join the club. I don't understand myself. "I can return that compliment to you."

The blonde averted his eyes, turned back to look at the clear, dark sky. "Was it a bad idea? Hooking up, I mean?"

"I guess it was too early." D took another steadying breath. "And now..." It's too late.

He didn't say that, fearing that speaking it out loud would make it true. As if that would make any difference anymore.

"Is it?" Leon sounded tired. "I don't know, D... I don't know anything anymore..."

They parted half an hour later, whispering shy goodbyes after staring into the star-spotted sky for a long time, hoping to perhaps catch sight of a falling star.

He had finally worked up the courage to tell Leon about LA the next evening. And he couldn't help but marvel at their inability to do what they had come here for – talk. Because they spent the whole day walking around, looking at whatever natural wonder was near, without speaking a word. Was it always this difficult to right things?

Probably it was. Otherwise he wouldn't have so many customers.

They had reached the hotel again when he held Leon back and searched his eyes.

"Would you please come with me? I have to… tell you something."

Leon nodded, obviously relieved that D had started talking and followed him into his room. D made him sit down on the bed, took the chair and started to speak before he could rethink his decision.

"Do you remember those strange events in Los Angeles? Those that began shortly after you went to New York?"

Leon nodded, his blue eyes becoming hard. "Yeah, I do. The man who cut off his own fingers, and the baby-collector, and that mafia guy. Aaron Sandler, Cathleen Turner and Remigio Cocuzzi."

"There has been another incident similar to those. Seven people went missing. The police got a tip and found them skewered on some ancient spears in the house of a certain Dixon Walter."

"Dixon Walter?" Leon wrinkled his brow. "Name doesn't ring any bells."

D smiled unhappily. "I would be surprised if it would. It turned out that he had help. A young man named Ali Abdoullah."

Leon went very silent.

"You sold them something." It wasn't a question.

"Nepenthes ventricosa and Lanius collurio. A meat-eating tropical plant and a red-backed shrike."

He should perhaps have told Leon more carefully. But then, in retrospect, he didn't know if that would have changed anything.

"Dammit, D, can't you ever sell a pet that's not sure to make his master miserable?" Leon exploded, his volume rising at once. "What's your fucking problem? Are you jealous if someone else is happy or what? Why can't you ever let something go? Those damn contracts can't be that important to you!"

"They were not broken."

"What?!" Leon's voice overturned. "You're telling me those guys killed seven people for nothing?"

"Not exactly for nothing. They killed them because of us."

That silenced the blonde very effectively. He stared at the kami, D returning his gaze calmly. This was the truth and he couldn't conceal it any longer. Too much was at stake.

Finally Leon gave a little chuckle. "Yeah. Of course. Whaddya mean, they got killed because of us?"

"They got killed because we were fighting. Because you went to New York and left me alone, to be correct."

"They turned to killers because I went to New York? You've lost your marbles. That can't be true."

"It is the truth. Do you understand now why I refused to tell you all truths about the shop?"

Leon lost it, completely. "DAMN HELL, D! Why didn't you do something?!" he yelled. "Why did you not go and keep them from killing other people?! I know that you know what's gonna happen to your pets, so why didn't you care, for fuck's sake? What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing is wrong with me, not as long as I can fulfill my duties like I used to before I met you!"

"You're telling me there's nothing wrong with killing people for breaking a stupid contract? You're completely insane!"

"You didn't understand me one time!" D screamed, not able to bear the accusations anymore. "You never even tried to understand me! If you had just listened to me sometimes, if you had just not run away like a coward, everything would have been fine!"

"Okay, so it's my fault again, yes? No, D, we're way past the point where you can blame anything that goes fucking wrong on me! I'm not the one who's responsible for your crazy mood swings, I'm not the one who, who goes and sells murder pets in spite of his promise!"

"I never told them to kill anyone!" D's voice was so loud that probably everyone in the whole hotel heard him. "I never wanted them to kill anyone, and if you had just agreed to get a second child, nothing would have happened!"

"That's crazy!" Leon roared. "In which fucking way would a child have affected those freak pets, can you tell me that, huh?!"

"It would have affected me, you stupid ignorant human, and would have held me back from losing control over myself!"

The silence that suddenly fell was louder than their screams.

"What does that mean, D?" Leon finally asked, very quietly. The kami sat down on the bed and hid his face in his hands.

"Nothing would have happened, had you just said yes," he murmured. "Nothing. The hormones would have made me protective and held my aggressions in check, but no, you had to say no, and I… I…"

Leon swallowed hard. "Those people. Not only those two guys who collected bodies, but the others, too, Aaron Sandler, Cathleen Turner and even Remigio Cocuzzi. They were all due to you. I knew it. I knew from the first moment…"

D didn't look at him. Leon got up and went over, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him hard.

"You promised!" he yelled. "You promised me you wouldn't kill them anymore!"

"Not one of them died!"

D pushed him back, away from him, and Leon stumbled back to the chair. D started pacing the room, looking like a great panther in the zoo, imprisoned in his cage and wanting to break out. He frightened Leon. This wasn't D anymore, this was some wild animal on the verge of madness.

"Not one of them!" the kami repeated, growling, and spun round to glare at Leon from wild, fierce eyes. "They only killed others, but none of them was killed, so don't you dare tell me I did not keep my promise!"

"But I didn't mean that your customers should start killing other people in spite of getting killed themselves!" Leon protested. D hissed.

"It is never enough for you, is it? Never! Just like any other wretched human on this planet, you demand ever more and more and more, until earth cannot give any more, because she is just sucked dry! And you still demand more of her!"

"Why did you give me that promise at all if you knew it was going to turn out like that?" Leon was angry, yes, but he was also afraid now. Truly afraid. He hadn't intended anything like that when he made D give this promise. He hadn't wanted to hurt the kami, not any more than he'd wanted to hurt those people and their victims, dammit!

"Because I did not know!" said kami shrieked and punched the wall. A crack split the flowers there. "How was I supposed to know something like this would happen?! I have never, ever loved anyone like I love you, so how should I know? You could have prevented all of this had you just been more observant, had you just been my partner instead of running from me!"

"My fault, my fault, it's always my fault! How was I supposed to know that either, huh, if you yourself didn't know? I don't even get it now!"

D whirled round and pressed Leon down in his chair, his eyes blazing. "You are my mate, Detective, and I need my mate to be near me to keep my balance. If I do not feel that I have your love, I am insecure, I start to get jealous, I start to defend my territory like any other animal. And by staying away from me for weeks and weeks on end, you just triggered my instincts which told me to fight. My animals felt it, everyone in the shop felt it and those outside, too. But I had promised you not to kill, so they didn't kill, they just attacked, drove their masters insane or caused them to hurt others. That's what this is about, Detective! I am not like you, I cannot live without fighting for what I love."

He suddenly let go again of Leon and stood there, with his back to the human. All his rage had disappeared, he shuddered and almost seemed to hug himself protectively.

Leon knew he should have stayed and taken care of him.

Instead he fled. This was too much for one night.

A/N: I think this chapter really warrants the label "Sadistic author on the loose". Do I have to worry about someone sending over a killer team or nice men in white jacekts?