A Matter of Will
by Lady Memory
The war is over, and now Severus Snape has to face his worst enemy: himself.
Disclaimer: I obviously don't own any one of the recognizable characters in this story, even if I would like to.
As always, my heartfelt thanks to my wonderful previewer Tearsofphoenix and to my fabulous betas Nagandsev and Duj for their kind revision, useful suggestions and infinite patience.
All my sincere thanks to those reading and reviewing.
IMPORTANT MESSAGE: Please remember that this is an AU story, written before book 7. Therefore, Severus never fell in love with Lily, but they were only friends.
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Chapter 24 – Look in Your Heart to Find the Answers
Though Severus seems to have yielded to his fate, Hermione isn't resigned. Every day she comes to visit him, and every day she tells him about her progress, trying to comfort him with her determination, her perseverance and her hope. And with her continual cheerful chatter.
"Next time it will be your turn, Professor. It must be. There must be another ingredient, a step that we haven't considered… We just need to find it, and I'm sure we will."
In the end, he gets irritated. One morning, he even reacts violently.
"It's over, don't you see? The spell is unbreakable, and there's no use in wasting your time! Go away, you and your damn chattiness!" he yells at that maddening optimism.
She seems to be silenced, but that silence only lasts a few moments. Then he feels her arms tighten around him in an impulsive burst of affection.
"It won't be over while there is hope," she whispers, releasing her hug and running away before he can let out his temper.
"Don't you dare again!" he succeeds in shouting, but the sweet sensation of that kind gesture warms his spirit for the rest of the evening.
... ... ... ... ... ...
Now that he tends to stay in his rooms, a few other people come to visit him regularly. Minerva usually spends a part of her busy evenings talking with him. Sometimes Poppy brings him out for a walk, as she used to do in their hospital days. Lupin and Tonks have paid him an extremely embarrassed visit. As soon as his health has improved enough to allow him the trip, Ron has followed immediately after, hand in hand with Hermione, and to his great surprise, Severus has been unexpectedly kind with the couple.
Another visitor is Harry, who is learning to manage his exceptional magical skills. In spite of his gloominess, and loyal to his promise, Severus has stubbornly continued his lessons to the boy, helping him to improve his power. Yet, after the last events, something has subtly altered in their relationship, which now seems to be gradually returning to the stiff, guarded approach of their school days. But Poppy has ascribed that change to the extreme depression of the older wizard, and Minerva has bowed to her opinion. Special courses have been instituted for the three young heroes definitively back at school, and life inside the castle has resumed its somnolent path, like a quiet stream suspended in time.
Then, finally, Hermione has had an intuition, something so peculiar, something so… "private", that she doesn't even try to submit her intention to Severus. But she goes and finds Harry in the library; she speaks to him in the quietness of those rooms. Her idea is so simple that she wonders why she hasn't thought about it till that moment. In short, as she explains to the boy, the potion has worked for everybody except Professor Snape. Evidently, Hermione's tears weren't a strong enough catalyst. The hex that hit Professor Snape was unusually ferocious, and surely it requires an identically powerful ingredient.
There is only one wizard who has the power to counteract that curse, Hermione concludes, so the tears must be shed by him. Then she looks at Harry expectantly.
The boy has listened to her detailed explanation in silence, but at that point, he replies with much more vehemence than she expected.
"My… my tears? What made you think that that could work, Hermione?"
"It's clear that you and Professor Snape share a special relationship. You both joined your forces to destroy the Dark Lord in the dungeons. And when your spell condemned Voldemort to death, he reacted by hitting Severus."
"I wish you wouldn't call him Severus," Harry interrupts her through gritted teeth.
"Oh, come on, Harry! I thought you had learned to appreciate Snape…"
"Hermione, though now I can understand him better, Severus Snape is the man who condemned my parents. By reporting the prophecy to Voldemort, he signed their death."
"I know it, Harry. And I know that this event has changed the whole course of his life."
"You mean that I should be grateful because by betraying my parents he has become a better person?
"Good heavens, Harry! I'm not saying this. It's just that… that he has changed. And if he could change also what happened by offering his life, he would do it."
"You seem to know a lot of things. When have you become his therapist?"
"I talked with him while researching the potion. What I could see is a totally different man from the one we knew in school. Something has broken inside him."
"Perhaps you are right. Perhaps it's true. But what I could see is a man who keeps rejecting those around him. Don't forget that he refused my offer when I initially went to the hospital. And he was always nasty to me in school."
"That was Snape before. This is Snape now," the girl replies a bit harshly.
"We are talking of the same man!"
"Yes, the wizard who saved your life!"
"Exactly. I respect the wizard, but I don't like the man."
"I tell you that he is changed."
"What evidence can you give me?"
"The camera, Harry. Our camera. Nobody knows it, but it wasn't an accident. He deliberately broke it to avoid my death. And doing so, he lost his sight."
"Well, I admit that he can be brave, that he IS brave. But there is nothing else in his heart. And he must have surely considered that, with a bit of luck, we could supply him with a new camera."
"He knows that our machine is an extremely expensive device, Harry. Even worse, he knows that YOU paid for it. But, all apart, that's not what he wants. He is not going to ask for another camera, and if we should ever offer him a new one, he would probably refuse it."
The boy shrugs. "His choice! Certainly not mine. That camera was a way to pay him back for what he did for me in the dungeons, but if he refuses it… "
Hermione looks at him with a shocked face.
"You still don't trust him after all he's done? Don't tell me you only helped him because you didn't want to owe him!"
"Oh, come on, Hermione!" Harry explodes in irritation. "I am not saying that… I only wanted… However, even if I had the intention to help him… my tears? How should I ever be supposed to cry for Snape? I'm sorry, but what you ask is impossible."
Tightening her lips, Hermione goes away in an offended silence. Harry doesn't try to stop her, but keeps staring at her back without saying a word, an obstinate, resentful expression on his face.
... ... ... ... ... ...
Two days later, on a rainy evening. Silent as always, hands resting on his walking cane, Severus is sitting near the fireplace, in the hall where he usually spends his time before retreating to bed. And, as every evening, with her calm gait Minerva enters the room, and detecting the dark shade lingering in an armchair, she goes sitting near him.
Unnoticed by the two adults, Harry too is enjoying a moment of relaxation in a distant corner of the hall, so as soon as he hears the voices and understands who are the people involved in the conversation, he immediately straightens, preparing to leave the place. But in spite of his choice, after that first impulsive move, his resolution somehow weakens, and he stops, looking around in indecision.
"Are you feeling better this evening, Severus?" the headmistress is now asking kindly. "How was your day?"
"As always, Minerva," Snape replies quietly. "My life isn't but a reiteration."
"I see." She sighs inwardly, and then she immediately launches a counterattack to his inertia. "Have you considered going out for a walk as you used to do? You could go have a drink at the Three Broomsticks. I'm sure you would enjoy resuming your old habits."
"Honestly, Minerva, I don't know. Life as it was before is something so far in time…"
"Is there something that worries you, Severus?" the old witch continues softly, trying to encourage her former colleague to speak. The wizard's mood today reflects the storm that is raging out of the windows, and Minerva is concerned for that transformation after all those days spent in total apathy.
"I can't stop thinking, Minerva. There is a thought that will stay with me for the rest of my life."
"Is it painful?"
A hesitation, and then the answer, harsh and weary at the same time. "Yes."
"Perhaps you would like to tell me?" she gently insists.
At this point, for some strange reason, Harry feels compelled to listen. He knows that he is intruding in something private, yet he can't resist. Silently, he crouches on the floor, hidden behind a big armchair.
Snape seems to struggle with himself, as if already regretting his admission, and finally, he mutters a couple of sentences, the less compromising. "Well, I… I think that I have been punished for my mistakes. My life has been marked the day I decided to join the Dark Lord."
She smiles comfortingly, hoping that the warmth of her smile may reach him through her words. "But then you changed your vision, and you became a hero. I think that we will never thank you adequately for your commitment."
He shakes his head stubbornly.
"No, Minerva," he tries to explain, clenching his hands in the effort of finding the words. "Before coming back, I contributed to harming people. Innocent people. And then… and then I heard the prophecy and reported it to the Dark Lord. Albus shouldn't have let me go free. If he had stopped me, punished me, hexed me as I deserved…"
The old witch straightens herself in determination. "That wouldn't have changed anything, Severus. The Dark Lord wanted to create an empire, and he would have continued, with or without you. You put an obstacle in his way by telling him that there was a rival."
He sighs again and his shoulders slump. "You are kind, Minerva. But by telling him the future, I condemned two people. Now, I admit that I always detested James Potter… but Lily…"
He stops and swallows; then he opens his hands in a gesture of submission.
"So, I think that that is what I deserved. Justice. A merciful justice. They lost their lives. I lost my eyes. I will have time to think and repent. A lot of time. I see things better now that I'm blind."
She understands that he is not ready to tell her more, so she tries to switch to a safer subject.
"Tell me, Severus, how are Harry's lessons going?"
The wizard reacts with unexpected energy to the question. Something seems to have suddenly ignited inside him, a sort of spark that lightens his features.
"That boy is amazing. His power is developing with such strength! The Dark Lord really found a worthy adversary. But that's not the important thing. He… I… I owe him."
"You owe him?" Minerva is very careful in choosing the right intonation in order to avoid a sharp interruption of his train of thoughts. And in fact, the man goes on as if following an inner thread.
"I… I have devastated Harry's life. My fault has changed my entire existence, and that is a consequence that I must accept. But it also changed Harry's fate, and he was innocent. I owe him his past."
Minerva tries to be as rational as possible. "Well, have you ever considered what would have happened if the Dark Lord hadn't discovered the prophecy?"
"Ah… Albus perhaps would know… I never dared ask him. Perhaps Potter would still have his parents."
"Or perhaps not. Perhaps they would have fallen by the hands of the Dark Lord in any case. After all, the Longbottoms were condemned by a merciless fate as well. Alive but insane."
"However, Minerva, sometimes I think that their destiny has been better than mine. They fell for a right reason. But my faults are always before me, and there is no way to change them. I have considered the matter in these months. If I were Harry, I would detest the man who deprived me of my family. Yet he even tried to speak to me when I was in the hospital… and I rejected him. My pride blinded me more than the Dark Lord's hex."
"You are too harsh with yourself, Severus. You made a mistake, a big mistake. But you also did your best to make amends."
"It wasn't enough," he resists obstinately.
"Severus," she whispers, putting a hand tentatively on his arm.
"No, Minerva, I don't deserve your compassion. Months ago I asked you if you pitied me, do you remember?"
"I do. And I can tell you again that we are all proud and grateful to have you here."
"All except the only one who could make the difference."
"You mean Harry?"
He seems to suddenly abandon the struggle. "I don't mean anybody, Minerva. Please let's stop talking. It's late and I feel very tired. I'll go to sleep as soon as my house-elf comes."
Minerva smiles a pale smile that, again, he can't obviously see. So, she tries to let him understand that she cares by adjusting his robes. Motionless, he lets her straighten his collar, insensitive to the fingers that delicately brush his hair while doing so. And finally she asks, "Are you sure you don't want me to lead you to your room?"
"No… no, thank you, Minerva. I will wait, don't worry."
"Good night then, Severus. I'm sorry I wasn't of help," she whispers.
"You are always of help," he whispers back.
The witch leaves, her robes brushing softly the floor. As soon as she is far enough, Severus sighs and lowers his head.
And, cautiously, Harry comes out of his hiding place.
... ... ... ... ... ...
Severus stiffens immediately. His keen senses have alerted him, but he doesn't react after that first move. There cannot be dangers in Hogwarts, not now that Bellatrix's wand has been destroyed… and then, he has perceived the amazing energy coming from Harry.
Harry, who doesn't know what to say.
So, after a long silence broken only by the crackling sounds of the fire, Severus speaks first.
"Anything you need, Potter?"
Harry hesitates. Apart from the oddity of being so suddenly recognised by a blind man, there are many things he would like to say; but where to begin from? The memory of their first encounter in the hospital awakens, yet this time there is a calmer, subtler power flowing to and from him.
"I have heard everything you told Professor McGonagall," he finally admits. "She didn't notice that I was here."
Snape tightens his lips. "So, you know everything by now."
"Er… yes."
"Then there is nothing to be added."
"Oh no! There is still a lot to say!"
Silence falls again while the rain seems to whip the windows even more ferociously.
"Well, I'm waiting, Potter. It's your turn to speak now. If you have listened carefully to our conversation, you should know that nothing you may say can hurt me more than my past actions."
Harry keeps silent. For the very first time, he seems to really see the man in front of him. His eyes linger on the harsh features of Severus Snape, traitor, saviour, curse and blessing of the wizarding world. Suddenly, the weight of what those titles imply seems to rest heavily on him, and he watches every little scar, every wrinkle, every line of that rigid face, realising that that severe frown, that ironic smile have been shaped by years of suffering.
And while he waits, still uncertain, a sudden image reaches his mind. A very young Severus Snape alone in a room, face white like chalk. Albus Dumbledore, a slightly younger Dumbledore than the one Harry has known, is silently speaking with Snape, telling him something that makes the young man vacillate. Snape's face is a mask of horror, and when Dumbledore leaves, he kneels on the floor. Tears flow unstoppably from his eyes, wetting the stones; his gasping sobs and shaking hands reveal such an anguished torment that Harry instinctively backs off.
He comes back to the present only when Snape speaks again, and somehow Harry understands that they have shared the same vision.
"Your mother was dead and it was my fault. You never knew her, and yet you mourn her loss. But she… she was my best friend for many years, until I decided to choose the dark side. Can you imagine my pain?"
The question is asked so quietly that Harry almost doesn't grasp it. Severus' eyes are dead, so the boy focuses his attention on the expression conveyed by the wizard's lips, disdainfully curled down.
Snape's voice breaks while he slowly lowers his head.
"You are right to despise me, Potter. It's what I too have done since that doomed night."
... ... ... ... ... ...
It's late, but Hermione is still working in the potions room, surrounded by books and parchments and notes. Her face is tired but her eyes shine with determination. She is so focused on her task that, when the door slowly opens, for several moments she doesn't notice the dark silhouette standing out against the light.
"Harry!"
The boy is motionless under the doorframe and watches Hermione with reddened eyes and a hesitant expression, keeping something luminous in his hand.
"Hermione…," he begins to say, and his voice gradually strengthens while he speaks. "Here you have the tears you asked. Use them! Immediately, if you can."
"But how… What happened, Harry?" she asks with a voice tinged by concern.
To her surprise, Harry bursts in an embarrassed laughter. "It doesn't matter now, Hermione. If these tears may help healing Snape, then use them. But please be as quick as possible."
And he hands out to her a crystal vial.
Silence falls for a long moment.
"Why?" she finally asks with a very soft voice.
"Because I… Because I want to look at the nasty bastard straight in the eye!"
Yet, in spite of the crudeness of those words and his reddened eyes, Harry smiles. And Hermione smiles back in silence, until an intense joy compels her to fling her arms at his friend, tightening him in an embrace.
... ... ... ... ... ...
So, once again, Hermione is working on the potion under the trembling light of the torches, with the precious vial on a desk at her side, ready to be picked at the right moment.
Slowly, she recreates the potion, following carefully every step. And finally she uncorks the vial, watching Harry's tears glow like shining gems before dropping them in the boiling mixture.
An unexpected, immense emotion enfolds her spirit; moved by the power of that feeling, she too begins to cry, but this time she's careful to wipe her tears before they can reach the bubbling liquid. Slowly, she keeps stirring it, waiting anxiously for a difference, for a sign.
And finally she sees it.
... ... ... ... ... ...
The girl who knocks at Snape's door is struggling to keep her anxiety under control. She is very aware that, if this attempt should fail, she would feel hopeless. And desperate. And she is even more conscious that Snape's spirit would probably be definitely doomed. The problem is that Severus too knows that. How to face him?
"Professor," she calls, trying to steady her voice.
"Miss Granger," is the weary answer. "It's late. Couldn't you wait till tomorrow morning? What's the matter? A new astounding idea?"
"Actually, it's a new formula. And I expect it to work, this time."
"A new… formula?" he asks, and for a moment his voice wavers. Then disbelief hardens his tone, and he returns to his usual sarcasm. "Well, as I supposed, nothing that can't wait till tomorrow."
"I said a new formula. And I want you to try it right now!" she replies firmly.
The door opens with a sudden jerk and Severus appears, arms crossed and a threatening frown. "Now, aren't you an insufferable pest! Do you ever take into consideration that I could disagree?"
"Impossible." She smiles. "I value your mind too highly for that."
"Miss Granger, I'm thoroughly fed up by your disrespectful behaviour!"
"Nice try, Professor. But you must try harder if you want me to leave."
"Miss Granger…" he suddenly abandons any pretence of sarcasm. "Why do you keep torturing me?"
"Because I want you to be healed."
"Nonsense, Granger. If it were a matter of will, I would have been healed months ago."
"But that is not a matter of will. Do you really think that your will is the only thing that matters in your life?"
"Miss Granger, why don't you marry your idiotic boyfriend and go live happily together in a place far, far away, thus sparing me the joy of your conversation?"
"Because I want you to be my witness at our wedding."
He straightens. "That's ridiculous! Is this how you hope to convince me? That's an utterly frivolous idea that only a feminine mind could conceive."
Her voice becomes cold. "The goblet is in my hands. Are you sure you want to refuse?"
Temptation is strong, but his pride is equally strong.
"As I told you, it's a matter of will. And my will—"
"Your will will obey, for once!" she orders. He stiffens but he doesn't reply. She places the goblet in his hands.
"Now drink it!" she commands.
"Miss Granger…," his tone now reveals all his fear, "But what if… if…"
"That's the right one," she replies, affecting a confidence that she suddenly doesn't feel.
Subjugated, he lets out a deep sigh. Then, he swallows the mixture in almost one gulp.
What happens after is a nightmare.
... ... ... ... ... ...
Severus curls and begins to tremble so violently that Hermione is scared.
"Professor!" she cries.
But he can't answer, because while his body writhes and shakes under the power of the potion, the most extraordinary transformation happens. Gradually, the stony layers that envelope his eyes start to crack. Blades of light reach his pupils, and Severus presses his fingers on his eyelids, uselessly trying to stop the unbearable radiance.
His choked moans are so painful that Hermione, frightened, places a hand on his arm in the hope of relieving his torment. But, as soon as the girl touches him, he feels the tight shell around his eyes literally explode.
With a sharp cry, Severus tilts his head, as if frightened by the light he has so desperately searched. Then he opens his eyes, and the first thing he sees is the terrified face of Hermione Granger.
"You scared me, Professor… Are you well?" the girl asks with a tiny, trembling voice, looking at him in apprehension.
Severus is overwhelmed by an immense emotion. His sight is back. HIS SIGHT IS BACK! Shapes, colours, images, shades… his eyes look at the things around him, and the rush and clatter of clashing sensation nearly make him stagger...
His sight is back! The potion has worked! He is finally free! And he owes that miracle to the annoyingly stubborn girl anxiously waiting for his answer.
Feeling suddenly euphoric, Severus straightens himself.
"I'm well, Miss Granger," he replies, steadying his voice in a display of British composure. "And, incidentally, my sight is back, though—"
He can't end his sentence: with a small cry of joy, tears running down her cheeks, Hermione tightens him in a bone-crushing hug. Almost choked in that heartwarming embrace, Severus pauses, and finally, gloriously, tears begin to wet his cheeks too.
... ... ...
NOTE: Well, wasn't it time? I hope you enjoyed the chapter... Personally, I too would have liked to hug Severus (and Hermione) when I wrote the final lines. See you for the grand finale in a few days :)