Chapter Twenty-Three: The Decoys
Warren brought the Humvee to a stop in a remote area of the grass lands not far from his home. With a purposeful look to his right, he regarded his passenger.
"I'm not an errand boy," Peace Master growled in response.
"No, you're not," Warren said forcefully. "What you are, however, is a fugitive with nothing but the clothes on your back to your name and no allies. If you think you're harder than Batman and that's all you need, then you can waltz right back into that dungeon or into the grave. Let the little minty Rasputin raise your kids. I'm simply offering you an alternative."
Peace Master looked to be gritting his teeth. Warren was secretly hoping he was reconsidering the offer. Despite the immense regret he felt at the consequences this offer would have for his relationship with Bubblegum, he had finally admitted to himself that he had betrayed her long before this. And so he had offered Peace Master a deal: Help Warren and the Lemons with their current communication and recruitment problems in exchange for their support in "vanquishing" Peppermint Butler and getting his kids back. The problem was that Peace Master didn't seem to be going for it.
"My children first. Then I will serve your cause," he offered.
"Don't push it," Warren hissed. "You're already out of prison and get to walk free when we're done here thanks in large part to our efforts. I'd say we've helped you quite a bit already." He left out the fact that it would have been far safer to shoot him if he refused. "Besides, you're missing the point. We're not strong enough to help you yet. Not without more support, which is why I need your help in the first place," he continued, emphasizing his point with a light slap to the steering wheel. Another long silence ensued. Peace Master's good eye seemed to be scrutinizing the officer. At long last, he spoke.
"Why don't you do this yourself?" he asked. Warren wasn't entirely sure he should, but decided to reply with honesty.
"My boys are too out of place out here. That bastard Lemongrab keeps his people on such a tight leash that the sight of any member of their species on their own outside his lands would surely draw unwanted attention. You, on the other hand, are not lemon, and could pass for a wandering merchant or what have you. As for me…" he sighed, hesitating a moment before continuing. "Have you ever heard the saying 'Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer'?" Peace Master nodded. "Well, I guess I'm both to the Princess now." Peace Master smiled a little at that.
"Ahh, I see now…" he began smugly. "And what does that make you two then?"
"I don't know yet," Warren admitted.
"Well," Peace Master replied softly. "You speak the truth. Honesty is a good start, I suppose. Allow me to be honest as well. I will join your cause, but I will hold you to your promise. Betray me, and you shall regret it." The fierce gleam in his eye backed his words.
"Likewise," Warren responded extending his hand, which Peace Master took in a shake. "Alright, then. I'll take you to our base, let the Lemons know what's up. Saddle up, Partner." With that and a small smile of his own, he pressed the accelerator.
Finn and Jake weren't just on the right track anymore. They'd arrived at the station and now had only to zero in on their quarry. Few distracting smells, footprints, or any other sign they could use to track him were present in the desert, so the search did not take long. Spotting the little tyke atop the ruins of a highway overpass, they quickly made their way there. Aside from a look that appeared to be confusion, from their current distance he appeared unharmed and well. Relieved at their fortune, the two were mere yards away when two shapes crashed clumsily to the ground before them with a loud thud.
"Hey, back off! This here's our dinner, capiche?" one of them spoke.
"You tell 'em Saul!" the other supplemented in a higher pitched voice.
The two shapes before them straightened their appearance from a mass of feathers into two very large and obviously sentient vultures. Finn and Jake frowned at the arrivals.
"What, are you stupid or something? I said back off!" the one called Saul asserted aggressively.
"Calm down guys," Finn began, hands in front of them so they could see. "I'm Finn, and this is Jake."
"'Sup?" Jake chimed, extending a hand in a wave.
"This baby belongs to a friend of ours. We're here to return him to his parents," Finn explained.
"No way! I didn't carry that thing all the way out here so you could just take it!" the other exclaimed.
"Shut up, Lenny, I got this," Saul cawed. "Like I said, this is our dinner."
"You've had him here for at least a day," Jake pointed out. "Why haven't you eaten him already?" Jake asked, curiously.
"Jake!" Finn admonished.
"You ever eat fresh meat before? Friggin' disgusting! We're waiting on this chump to die and rotten up some so we don't puke him up," Saul clarified. Though not entirely understanding of the birds' taste, Finn wasn't about to break out the sword just yet.
"That's our friend's baby!" he implored. "There's got to be something else you guys can eat."
"Nada. Zip. Squat. I ain't eaten in six days!" Saul complained. "Why I got this idea in the first place. Go find us something weak, carry it out to the desert, wait for it to die of thirst, boom! Dinner."
"Six days!" Lenny re-iterated. Finn held his ground.
"But that's a baby! Eating babies is wrong, dudes!" Finn asserted with passion. Jake crossed his arms and nodded in agreement.
"Tell that to my stomach," Saul said coldly. "Now unless you got somethin' better to offer us, scram!"
Finn and Jake turned and huddled. They had nothing to offer in trade, nor did they have the time to retrieve something. They felt sorry for the vultures' plight, but baby eating was evil, and they'd have to find another way to survive. Jake readied his fist into a hammer, and Finn prepared to reach for his sword.
"I'm sorry, but you leave me no choice, then" Finn announced before the duo's lightning fast blitz blindsided the birds. It was only a matter of seconds before both were unconscious. The baby giggled and clapped.
"Time to take you home, big guy," Jake quipped, picking up both him and Finn and carrying them away.
Relieved that he was well, and that their worst fears had not come to pass, the heroes left the setting sun behind them.
"Fools," the Lich thought to himself, observing the heroes' departure from his vantage point on an outcropping in the distance. It was beyond him how such incompetents had ever defeated him at all, much less several times. Still, the Lich learned from his mistakes. The fact was that Finn and Jake were more powerful than they seemed and were not to be underestimated again. That's why he wasn't going to take them on directly this time. Although he disliked involving others, he was not above doing so if it would help him reach his goal. Deception remained his greatest advantage against his current foes, so that's what he would use.
The two scavengers rose into the desert skies and began flying towards the Lich's outcropping: living proof that there really were such things as useful idiots. Their price had truly been a pleasure to negotiate. Put on a good show for Finn and Jake, and the Lich would lead the vultures to fields of death and carrion beyond their wildest fantasies. The best part was that he had been entirely honest. Delivering on this promise would prove most amusing. The dimwitted duo arrived in minutes, smug and overconfident from their modest success.
"Alright, pal. We did what you said. Now cough up your end of the bargain," Saul demanded.
"Yeah, do it," Lenny echoed, brainlessly.
The Lich grinned evilly through his host's many mouths. He began to glow with a greenish tinge, the air around him shimmering from the disturbance. Small clusters of energy began to build in the abomination's hands, then were released. In the air between the trio, the energy began to amass, until two had formed from the many. Warping into javelin like spears, they shot into the birds' hearts, filling them with the dark energy. Then, as abruptly as it had began, it was over.
"Your payment is fulfilled," the Lich proclaimed.
"Hey, I don't feel no different," Saul commented with disappointment. "You said carrion, not a magic show!" The bird's rage was building. "I knew you wasn't on the level! Come on Lenny, let's fuck this clown up. It's dinn-" As though stabbed by an invisible blade, he froze mid-sentence. The Lich continued to smile as ripples visibly shot through the veins in his eyes. His friend was experiencing the same thing. The pair began to screech in pain as the transformation began to take hold. Their screams and desperate cawing soon gave way to choking and gurgling. With a hiss, their eyes and chunks of flesh began to melt away, green ooze pouring out the new openings.
The transformation now complete, the two skeletal looking vultures were stilled. The two newest recruits to the Lich's army regarded their master for a moment before taking off to carry out their new duties. Though they were a paltry addition to his power, the Lich nevertheless savored every bit. He was two sorry steps closer to the destruction of Ooo. For now, he had other matters to attend to. He hadn't been around in many a year. He had some catching up to do.
Princess Bubblegum sat quietly over her cup of chamomile tea. Gently tracing the edges of the cup with her thumb, her thoughts were of Finn and his mission. He had reported in not long ago of his success. It was nothing to worry about after all; just two low-life crooks looking to steal a meal. Still, the situation was concerning. In over two years, the child showed no signs of abnormal development. It was highly unlikely the Lich survived his transformation, if the term even applied to him. Still, under ordinary circumstances she would never have sent Finn alone, capable as he was.
But this time she had nothing to give. The Gumball Guardians weren't in any shape to fight, half her Banana Guards were legally stuck assisting Lemongrab. With at least one of those goo monstrosities unaccounted for, a civil war in one of her protectorates, the Veritas Brigade and other subversive elements at home, and unprecedented political backbone from other kingdoms, only Bubblegum herself could keep the balance. It had been a long time since the Candy Kingdom ever found itself stretched thin, politically or militarily. It was vulnerable, and she didn't like it.
It wasn't so much lack of options that was bothering her, so much as the options she had were somewhat bitter to swallow. Sir Rattleballs had taken quite the beating at the hands of those creatures, but that wasn't exactly what was taking so long to get him back in action. Rattleball units were never designed to operate alone, much less against such a formidable and numerically superior opponent. He was unique among his model, and had performed far beyond their original specifications. Bubblegum needed to know why, and now, after much research and testing, she did. He had a soul.
It made her uneasy. She had crushed many others, all capable of the same development, for flaws that were fundamentally her error in design, not theirs. And now she was considering constructing more. The Banana Guards may be incompetent, but at least in their policing duties, they managed most simple domestic crimes well enough. But the fact of the matter was that they simply wouldn't cut it as a military anymore. The rest of the Candy citizenry was similarly ill-suited for war, some of the more cowardly among them still possessing the self-destructive overload when faced with excess fear, despite Bubblegum's efforts to correct it.
The ethical issues were a lot to process. Many of the previous Rattleball units had been sadistic and cruel. To potentially bring their violence back was a major issue. But Sir Rattleballs showed that perhaps that was merely a product of "parenting" so to speak. But if that were the case, then these would grow into living beings. To create an entire species solely for the purpose of killing and dying for her cause was still an enormously heavy decision on her conscience. And so she continued to debate it with herself again and again. But time was running out. She would need to decide soon. She hoped with every fiber of her being she would make the right choice.