SCENE TWENTY-FOUR: Shire…Baggins
David Unction: Hello, my name is David Unction, and I am from Monty Python. I am here in this scene to install the Crouch Counter, which counts the number of times that the word 'Crouch' is used in the next two scenes. Hopefully, it will fare better than the ill-fated Immaturity Counter.
Crouch: Harry, I wanted to speak to you for a bit.
Harry: Okay, Mr. Crouch.
David Unction: One.
Crouch: Here is a random bit of foreshadowing that will make no sense until you've seen the end of the movie, unless you've read the book. Family is important. After you lose them, you're all messed up.
People Who Haven't Read the Books: I don't get it. It must be another one of those random bits of foreshadowing that will make no sense until we've seen the end of the movie, unless we've read the book.
(Enter Moody)
Moody: Hello there, Da—I mean, Mr. Crouch.
David Unction: Two.
Moody: Are you trying to convince this boy to go to The Department of Mysteries? Look, even with Jarvis Cocker on the recruitment posters, it ain't gonna happen. Even I know that Harry will never go to the Department of Mysteries, until the next book! And they say I'm mad! *EXTREMELY BLATANT TWITCH!*
Crouch: *Gasp* It all seems so clear now!
Moody: *Twitch* Shire… Baggins…
Harry: You talkin' to me?
Moody: Sorry, Frodo.
(Cut to the forest the next day.)
Hagrid: Man, you people are all too cool for me. You started out as losers—Hermione was an ugly nerd, Ron was a complete dufus, and Harry was just plain clueless—and now, well, Hermione isn't ugly!
Ron: Gee…
Hagrid: I think we should all sing randomly, inexplicably, and rather off-key!
Ron: Since when can you use five-syllable words?
Hagrid: Since the canon died.
Song: The Hogwarts Song (Sing to any tune you please) Hermione: Our heads could do with filling Harry: So teach us things worth knowing
People: Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts
Teach us something please
Whether we be old and bald
Or young with scabby knees
With some interesting stuff
Ron: For now they're bare and full of air
Dead flies and bits of fluff!
Bring back what we have forgot
Hagrid: Just do your best, we'll do the rest
And learn until our brains all rot!
Ron: Let's ignore the ominous music!
Harry: I'm sure we won't soon stumble on a carcass
Hagrid: Dead enough to make you sick!
(They stumble on a carcass dead enough to make you sick)
Harry: Mr. Crouch?
David Unction: Three.
Hermione: Holy cricket, it's Mr. Crouch!!!
David Unction: Four.
Ron: Eh. Who really cares about Mr. Crouch? He was annoying.
David Unction: Five.
(Cut to Dumbledore's office.)
Harry: So, Dumbledore, Mr. Crouch is dead!
David Unction: Six.
Dumbledore: (Ignoring Harry) Who cares about your reputation, Fudge? (He starts playing air guitar) I DON'T GIVE A DAMSON PLUM ABOUT MY REPUTATION, DUNNADUNNADUNNADUN… I mean… sorry… one man's already died, Cornelius! Who knows who the next one will be?
Harry: Righto, well, Professor…
(Fudge dies at the mention of the 'R' word)
Dumbledore: That's what you call 'ironic.' Well, Harry, Professor Moody and I are going to go check out the situation. Please, feel free to be attacked by my evil candy, therefore creating a plot device to learn more about Barty Crouch Junior.
David Unction: Seven.
Harry: WILL DO! ( He is attacked by Dumbledore's evil candy, therefore creating a plot device to learn more about Barty Crouch Junior.)
Harry: (Falling into Pensieve) Can you say "This is a cross between Alice in Wonderland and Tom Riddle's diary?" Because I can't. I'm far too busy screaming my lungs out! ! (He falls into the middle of the Wizengamot… and the fun begins!)