Kiba's POV

Two weekends following me calling Naruto out on his nasty fucking coke habit, we still aren't really talking much.

There's a curt hello here and there, but mostly I hang out in my room and avoid the interactions altogether. We just keep fighting and even though every time it happens I feel like we've worked out our shit, it ends up happening again pretty much right away regardless.

The amount of time he's been spending with Sasuke has increased tenfold and it's starting to get really under my skin. Having him here all the time is invasive and makes me feel like I'm seriously never alone, which I already don't cope well with when it's someone I like let alone someone I hate.

I really can't stand him. It pisses Naruto off, but I don't really care. In an ideal world, I'd never have to see Sasuke.

I know it's dumb, though. I don't know why I hate him so much. I don't know why he gets under my skin. I know I told Naruto some of the reasons he bothers me, but I still feel like there are other things I can't quite put my finger on.

Even if I were to try being less of an asshole, I know it wouldn't work. When I see him, I get riled up. He doesn't even have to say anything. He might just be standing there and I'll still get pissed off.

I must sound crazy. I know Naruto probably thinks so.

Right now, I'm hanging out in my room by myself. Sasuke and Naruto are watching TV out in the living room—which makes me feel totally unwelcome—so instead I'm just hiding away.

On the bright side of having all this free time, I'm doing pretty well in my classes. It's weird not to be dedicating all this time to soccer, especially since I've played every fall since I was in high school. On one hand, I'm happy to not have to deal with the stress of it, but I still feel a little guilty about how the whole thing went down.

The kid who I slide tackled tore his ACL I guess. I see him around campus every now and then using a knee scooter and his friends always give me dirty looks. I know I deserve it but it still makes me uncomfortable.

I wish I could control myself. I have absolutely no self-control. If something comes to mind, I just do it without taking a second to think of the repercussions. I really need to work on that.

Around 8PM, I decide to refill my water bottle. I head out, not bothering to greet Naruto and Sasuke. I fill my water bottle up in the kitchen and try to make a brisk exit back into my bedroom, but Naruto stops me.

"Hey," he greets from the sofa.

"Hey," I respond.

"Come sit," he invites.

I want to fucking roll my eyes. "No…"

"Come on," he urges.

Why? Why does he want me to spend time with them? I'm probably just going to get annoyed and I'll do something stupid and Naruto will get mad.

"What are you watching?" I ask, trying not to sound too cranky.

"A documentary about…" Naruto turns to Sasuke, "food?"

"GMOs," Sasuke corrects.

"Huh," I snort, "since when are you interested in that sort of thing?"

Naruto shrugs, completely ignoring the tone of my voice, "It's interesting."

"We can change it," Sasuke offers without missing a beat. Ugh. He's such a kiss ass. I feel like he's literally trying to make me look bad.

"That's fine," I tell them, reluctantly sitting on the floor in front of the couch. I wouldn't want to invade their 'boyfriend space.'

This is seriously uncomfortable. As we hit play and the film starts up again, I can practically feel them staring daggers in my back.

I stare at the screen. This is the dullest shit I've watched in my entire life. Clearly Sasuke chose this because there is no way in hell Naruto would willingly watch something like this on his own time. Yawn.

I sip on my water, trying to will away the tense mood in the room. I wonder if they both feel it or if it's just me?

After the documentary is over, Naruto gets up and says, "I'm going to shower."

"But –" Sasuke starts, then he cuts himself off.

"I'll be quick," Naruto adds. "But you two should chat or pick something else to watch."

What the FUCK kind of stunt is he trying to pull? I get that he wants us to be friends or whatever fruity idea he has for us in his head, but it's just not going to happen. I would get up and leave if I didn't feel like that would be more awkward than staying. Does he seriously just expect me to hang out here with Sasuke while he takes a fucking shower?

Sasuke gives Naruto a dirty look and I can tell that he isn't thrilled about this either. Naruto ignores us both, making a speedy exit.

We're both silent for a moment and it makes me feel incredibly anxious. This is so forced-I don't know what the fuck Naruto is thinking.

Awkwardly, I get up and take the seat Naruto was formerly occupying. It would look stupid if I stayed glued to the carpet.

"Uh, so what do you want to watch?" Sasuke asks, looking at me.

"Don't care," I reply, glancing away.

I should try to be nice. I should REALLY try. This sucks, though, because I already want to start acting snappy. I should try for Naruto's sake, though. Also for my sake because I fucking hate when Naruto gets mad at me. I always end up feeling like a scolded child. I hate when people make me feel like a child. I hate it because my childhood was crap and regressing sucks.

Sasuke picks some other lame-ass documentary and I guess I should be at least a little impressed that he gives literally no fucks about what I think of his movie choices.

It feels like Naruto is taking FOREVER. I wonder if he's doing this on purpose. If not, he's probably shaving his balls or some shit.

"Um," Sasuke mumbles to me for the first time since I sat down, "kinda rude for Naruto to run off on us like that, huh?"

"He's just trying to force us to talk," I answer curtly, although I'm sure Sasuke is well aware.

"Yeah, definitely." He tilts his head side to side, seeming uncomfortable. "About that—"

I glance over to him as he pauses the film.

"This is going to be awkward," he prefaces.

"It's already awkward," I snort.

He stares down and sighs before glancing back up at me. "All right… Okay… So, back in January..."

I raise an eyebrow at that. It feels like the entire tone of the conversation is about to shift dramatically. I don't respond. I just stare awkwardly and wait for him to spit it out, but for some reason I'm already anxious. What the hell is he going to say? What could possibly be relevant?

"I was at a party," he continues, starting to sound shaky, "and I got drugged and something shitty happened to me."

I want to fucking vomit.

It reminds me of the confession Hiro made to me those months back.

I don't want to hear things like this.

"What…?" I choke out. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Naruto said I should," he points out. "He said we –"

"What?" I immediately cut him off, starting to panic. I feel sick. A wave of nausea runs over me and I feel like I'm seriously going to throw up. "Naruto… Naruto told you? He told you what my cousin did to me?"

"What?" he asks, but then his brow furrows. He sounds confused but I don't know what he could possibly be confused about if he's going to stick his nose into the most private part of my life.

I bring a hand up to my forehead, pushing my bangs out of my face. "Are you fucking KIDDING me right now?" I exclaim.

Sasuke looks startled but his mouth stays clamped shut. He knows. He totally knows.

"That's none of your fucking business!" I continue frantically, standing up from the couch, "What the fuck about our relationship makes you think that you have the right to ask me about that!?"

"No, I didn't mean like—" he starts, but I don't let him finish. I turn towards the bathroom and scream Naruto's name.

I start banging on the door until some minutes later when he emerges wearing a towel. He's scowling as he asks, "Kiba, what the fuck is your problem? I'm SHOWERING." He gestures to his scanty appearance, but I couldn't care less.

"You told Sasuke..." I trail off, not wanting to repeat myself for a second time in one night.

Naruto looks irritated. "I didn't tell anyone squat! What the fuck are you on about?"

I glance back at Sasuke who is still sitting on the sofa. I point and say, "You don't your stupid boyfriend about Hiro."

Naruto rolls his eyes so far back it looks like he's about to pass out. "Are you kidding? I didn't fucking tell Sasuke anything!"

What...?

"Then why the fuck is he asking me about it?" I shoot back accusatorially.

"I just said you two should talk!" he insists. "That's literally it! I didn't give him any fucking details!"

He looks past me and at Sasuke, who I can't help but shoot a dirty look at.

"Can you LEAVE?" I snap, "For fucking once!?"

He seems seriously taken aback. "I'm sorry," he hisses, "it's a sensitive topic for me, too, you know."

I turn back to Naruto. His mouth is twisted into a frown. "Sasuke was just trying to have a conversation with you," he says in a condescending tone.

"I don't want to have a conversation about THAT with HIM!" I say, my voice getting shrieky.

"I just thought you could use another friend," he responds simply, "but I guess I was wrong." He pauses and then adds, "I can't do it all, you know. I can't be the only one in your life you talk to. I can't be the only one in your life who supports you. I mean, I don't mind doing it. I WANT to do it, but you need more than just me. People need people. Plural. I saw that you and Sasuke had something in common and I thought maybe you could help one another in a way I can't help either of you."

Me and Sasuke don't have anything in common. Whatever happened to him happened ONCE and then it was over. What I went through lasted for YEARS.

I grit my teeth. "No one can help me."

"I don't think that's true, Kiba," Naruto argues. "When you're READY for help, the people in your life will be able to aide you. Doctors will be able to aide you."

I want to laugh and scream. What a fucking joke! I'm NEVER going to be okay.

"I've already come to terms with the fact that this has permanently fucked me up," I say.

Naruto lets out a sigh. "Well, you shouldn't. Don't give up on yourself. That would be stupid. You're nineteen years old, for fuck's sake. There's still time. There's always still time."

I'm so fucking angry I want to cry, but what surprises it is that most of it's not directed at Naruto. For fuck's sake, it's not even directed at Sasuke. Most of it's just directed towards myself. I wish I was okay. I wish I was normal. I wish I could get over it. I wish I could function normally and stop jumping to all these radical conclusions. I wish I wasn't such a god damn mess all the time. I wish I didn't fucking hate myself. Then maybe I'd let myself reach for something better than this. I always settle. I always dwell. I can't stop.

I need to end this conversation. There's no way that I'm capable of dealing with this right now.

"Leave me alone," I spit out poisonously, but Naruto doesn't bat an eyelash. I guess he's seen my anger at its worst. This doesn't faze him anymore.

With that, I turn around and exit down the hallway. I head to my own room and shut the door, locking it behind me.

I can't believe they would gang up on me about this. It's so fucking unfair. How did they expect me to react? Did they seriously think I could just sit down and have a civil conversation? They probably did, but Naruto should know better.

Through the wall I can hear Sasuke ask Naruto why the hell he thought this would be a good idea. Great. At least Sasuke has his fucking head on straight.

I still can't fucking believe what just happened out there. Is Naruto honestly out of his fucking mind? I can't believe he would do this to me. He insists his heart as in the right place, but if he tried to pull shit like this it makes me wonder if he even knows what kind of person I am?

OBVIOUSLY this isn't okay with me. If he did want me to consider it, then he should have spoken to me first like he did with Sasuke! I mean, what the fuck?

I sit on the floor against my door and listen to their conversation continue. Naruto tries to justify himself by saying he didn't think I'd react this way and that he still thinks we should talk things out.

Fuck that.

I don't bother listening anymore. I sit up and I lie in my bed with Akamaru. I don't want to think anymore.

.

.

I stay in my room Sunday morning until I hear Sasuke and Naruto go out for lunch. At that point, I slowly emerge and get myself a bowl of cereal. I'm pretty hungry because I didn't end up eating dinner last night.

After that, I retreat back to my room. I don't know when Naruto will be back and I don't want to have to deal with confrontation right now.

Frankly, I think he should apologize. I know that he's going to spin it as if I overreacted and hurt poor little Sasuke's feelings, but I don't give a flying fuck. He should have known better than to try and set me up like that. Of course I didn't take it well! I felt fucking backed into a corner!

Still, I'm a little anxious about it. Naruto's definitely going to be all pissy with me now and I hate it when he's mad. I never know what to say because I don't really feel like I'm in the wrong.

I feel like I have a lot hanging over my head now. Last night's shit just adds to it all.

I still haven't called my uncle back, but I've been thinking a lot about our conversation. I feel like I should give him a chance, though. I feel like I always have to give my family members chances. Too many fucking chances. This is precisely why I let Hiro into my kitchen those months back. He is the fucking worst.

I stare at my phone, feeling contemplative.

Should I call him?

Should I wait? Should I think about it so more?

I feel like I've been thinking on it for too long. What else is there to mull over?

Finally, I hit send and hold the phone up to my ear, waiting for it to ring through. I half hope he doesn't answer, although I don't have the guts to leave a message so I'll just end up having to call back later.

A moment later, Gaku picks up.

"Kiba?" he asks, sounding surprised.

"Um, hi," I mumble, not really knowing the appropriate way to greet him.

"I'm happy you called," he tells me, "I wasn't sure if you would."

Me neither until just now if I'm being honest.

"I've been thinking a lot about our conversation," I admit hoarsely, "I've been thinking it might be good for me to have some sort of connection with someone who knows what I went through."

Someone besides Naruto.

This could be a good thing, right? Something good might actually come out of it. I need to try having more faith in people. Not EVERYONE is going to disappoint me and not everyone has made it their life mission to hurt me.

"Would you want to meet up or is that too much too soon?"

"Um…" I pause, thinking about it for a minute. "We can meet up. We can go get coffee or some shit."

"When would you like to do that?"

"Uh… Today?"

Mostly because I want to get it over with as soon as possible, in case it does go awry. I don't want plans like this looming over my head for days on end.

"All right," he accepts. "Want to meet up around two?"

"Yeah, okay," I say.

We choose a coffee house towards his side of town and with that I hang up.

Ugh, I'm nervous. I feel sick to my stomach.

After a few minutes of lying in bed, I force myself to start getting ready. It's like the most mentally taxing shit I've ever done, probably because I would rather be doing literally anything else on the planet.

I know this meet up is probably for the best, but it's still almost physically painful to think about going through with it. I fucking HATE my family. I don't know if anything will ever be able to change that, no matter how nice my uncle is to me.

Soon enough, I head out. I don't bother taking the long way. I want to get there as soon as possible so I can start gaging the situation. I'm nervous. My throat feels jammed and I feel like I can barely breathe.

When I arrive there, I head in and glance around. I spot my uncle sitting in the center of the café. When he sees me, he waves. I approach slowly, sitting across from him.

"Hi," he says.

"Hi," I echo.

He pushes a cup towards me and says, "I got you black coffee. I wasn't sure what you took in it."

"This is fine," I reply.

This is all fine. It's going to be fine.

As I stare at him solemnly and sip on my coffee, the first thing I notice is a purplish-green ring underneath his left eye. The bruise looks nasty, but seems like it's been healing for at least a couple days.

"What happened?" I ask, pointing to the same spot on my own cheek.

Gaku lets out an exasperated sigh. "Hiro is difficult to handle," he states simply, "he's so volatile."

I should have known. I guess it's not that surprising. Hiro always goes straight for the face.

"Oh," I nod my head slowly, "are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he dismisses me quickly, "don't worry about it."

I wonder why Hiro did it, but I don't bother prying. Then again, maybe there wasn't a reason at all. Maybe he just felt like punching his dad in the face. He seems like the type. Plus, Gaku said now that I'm not around for him to pick on, Hiro has been acting extra shitty towards others.

"He needs therapy," I mumble.

Ha. I know I must sound hypocritical as FUCK, but it's true. There's probably something wrong in Hiro's head. Normal people don't act that way.

"Probably," Gaku responds.

I stare down at the cup of coffee before raising it and taking a slow sip. I don't drink black coffee, but I'm too uncomfortable to get up and put milk in it.

"We don't have to talk about Hiro if you don't want to," he adds after a moment of silence, "we can talk about whatever you want. How is your semester going?"

I shrug. "Fine, I guess," I tell him. "My classes are hard but I'm getting good grades."

"That's good," Gaku nods, almost sounding proud of me, "veterinary is tough."

"It is," I agree, "But I have a lot more free time lately." I pause for a second and then add, "I quit soccer."

Gaku looks taken aback. "Really?" he asks. "You've played for so long. I thought you really enjoyed it?"

Ugh. I did kind of enjoy it. I just couldn't mentally handle the commitment with all the other shit going on in my life.

"Well—" I mumble, trying to decide how honest I want to be, "—It's more like I got kicked off, I guess."

He nods his head slowly. "What happened?"

"I was getting too violent on the field," I admit. "I tackled a freshman."

I feel pretty guilty about it still. I should apologize to that kid, but I don't really want to. Apologizing feels like admitting I am wrong… which I am, but I still don't want to say it out loud.

Gaku nods again. "Why did you do that?"

"I don't know," I say truthfully. "I was just getting really overwhelmed with everything, so I started acting out because of it…"

Fuck, I must seem just like Hiro… but I'm not like that asshole. I don't do these things for fun. I do these things because I don't know how to cope with anything. It's easier to force out a consequence and sabotage myself than to actually say what I want.

Gaku gives me a sad look and I want to tell him not to pity me. I did this to myself. I deserve to feel bad about it.

"Is there any chance the coach would reconsider?" he questions. "If you went to him and apologized?"

"I don't know," I admit, "It was messy."

I honestly don't think I could even get myself to talk to him. It'd be too uncomfortable and I feel like he'd kick my ass for being so insubordinate.

"Maybe if you explained the situation—" Gaku suggests, "—if you told him that you were struggling then he may be more inclined to be understanding."

"Yeah," I scoff, "But I'd have to give him every last detail and I am so not about to do that."

Gaku looks thoughtful, like he's trying to solve the situation for me. I don't really want him to though.

"It's fine," I reiterate, not wanting him to say anything else about it. "I don't think I even want to play soccer anymore."

"Why not?"

"It's too much," I explain. "It was just another thing on my list of shit to worry about. It's easier this way. One less thing I need to do."

"Fair," Gaku says.

"So, whatever," I add dismissively.

I was getting way too aggressive. I don't even know why it had to happen like that. It was stupid. If I stayed on the team, I don't know how much worse things would have gotten. I probably would've kept at it until getting the boot, so it's good it happened sooner rather than later.

"How has your new living situation been?" Gaku asks me, changing the subject.

"Better than at home," I snort. "Although for a while Hiro was showing up all the fucking time and messing with my roommate."

"Really?" His jaw drops. "I didn't know—I'm so sorry—I would have said something to him."

I shrug, giving him a distant look. "I mean, it's not like you could have stopped him."

His mouth twists into a tight frown. He knows I'm right.

"He actually got into a fight with Naruto and broke his nose," I decide to add. "I haven't seen Hiro since then, though."

"Good god." Gaku brings a hand to his forehead and gives me a look of dismay.

"Yeah," I murmur.

God, he was really screwing with me back then. I'm glad he no longer comes around, but I feel somehow responsible for all the pain he's inflicting on everyone else in my place. I know it's not my fault, but it indirectly feels like it is.

I have these brief, quick thoughts where I think that I should let him back into my life so he'll stop. I don't want him to keep kicking my little cousins or punching people for the hell of it.

"Your parents told us about your relationship with Naruto," Gaku decides to mention.

I shift uncomfortably. "Oh… That."

"Is he your boyfriend?"

"No…" I say a little quickly. "He's, like… No. That was only temporary insanity. He's seeing some tool named Sasuke now."

"Ah." He nods his head slowly. "I hope you don't mind me asking, and you don't have to answer if you aren't comfortable, but do you prefer men?"

Ugh. Old people always have the worst way of phrasing this kind of shit.

"No…" I mumble. "I think I was just kind of like…freaking out."

Gaku leans forward, putting his elbows on the table and resting his chin in his hands. "What do you mean?"

"Um—" I pause, trying to figure out the best way to say this, "—so, Naruto is my best friend, and he's bi."

He nods, urging me to continue.

"It happened like…well, we got really messed up at a party. I don't usually take drugs but for some reason I decided it would be a good idea. Then Naruto started hitting on me and I kind of just like, didn't know what else I was supposed to do? I haven't really ever been close to someone before like I am to him—other than Hiro, I guess."

I think he gets what I mean. It's a pretty fucked up confession, but it's the truth.

It's complicated, but Hiro is the largest part of why I did all of those things with Naruto… and, yeah, I kind of do regret it all, but I can't blame it on Naruto. It was my fault. I could have easily put a stop to it, but I didn't. In fact, there were times I initiated it. And, sure, maybe it made me feel better in a sense, but it also made me feel worse. I can't really explain it in a way that someone else would understand, though. It's too personal.

I've been with girls, but it was different. I still always felt gross at the end, even though I was attracted to them. That part was the same.

I think part of being with Naruto was some sort of fucked up comfort I was looking for because of what happened with Hiro. Comfort was something I inevitably couldn't find because I wasn't into him like that. It was stupid. It was a stupid idea. I think another part of it was just hating myself.

I wouldn't tell that to Naruto, though I feel like he might already know it.

"I see," Gaku says quietly.

"We stopped sleeping together," I say, not really caring if it's not appropriate for my uncle to hear. "I told him what happened to me and we stopped."

Gaku makes an "o" shape with his mouth. "I'm surprised to hear that Naruto is aware of the situation," he says after a moment.

I let out a bitter laugh. "Yeah, I'm sure my parents would have a fucking cow."

He gives me a critical look and briefly I am concerned that maybe he's mad I told someone. That fear is resolved a second later though when he says, "I'm glad you have a friend to talk to."

"I didn't really want to tell him," I confess, "but I guess I'm happy I did."

He nods some more. "He seems supportive."

"He's annoying about it," I murmur. "His stupid boyfriend got raped at a party and now Naruto wants us to be best friends or something. He keeps saying how it would be good for the both of us and all this shit. No fucking thanks."

I don't feel like me and Sasuke have things in common. Even what happened to us is so different.

"And you don't want that?" Gaku ventures

"I don't like Sasuke," I reiterate. "He's an ass."

"Why's that?"

"He's just annoying," I explain myself somewhat poorly. "He is fake. He's the fakest person I've ever met and he's really good at it and I don't like that."

"Huh," he nods, "I suppose I can see why that would bother you."

"Yeah," I confirm, "even though he has all this shit going on he still manages to keep everyone wrapped around his little finger. I went to high school with him too and even then everybody thought he was so fucking cool and suave." When Gaku doesn't respond, I continue. "It's just like, why does he get to keep everyone at arm's length? They all think he's so well-collected and choose to leave him alone but at the same time they're like, 'What's wrong Kiba? Talk to us about all your problems, Kiba! We're all so fucking nosy, Kiba!'" I explain, getting exasperated, "It's fucking tiring."

"That would get frustrating," he says. "Why do you think they leave him alone?"

"I don't know!" I practically growl. "It's not like he's any less approachable than I am! We're both huge assholes."

Gaku smiles somewhat wearily. "I don't think you're an asshole."

"I kind of am," I murmur.

It's fucking true. I've resigned to that fact. Even Naruto says it.

"Well, why do you think so?" Gaku asks.

"I don't know," I admit. "I just act horrible all the time. I get so defensive over the dumbest shit. I just go crazy."

This actually feels all right. Today is going a lot better than I thought it would. It feels okay to talk to him. It doesn't feel that weird, either. I just hope Hiro doesn't find out. If he does, he'll probably do something insane.

Gaku turns his head and gazes out the window, looking contemplative. A moment later, he turns back to me and says somewhat delicately, "Do you think maybe Naruto wanting you and Sasuke to be closer is also partly because he knows you both work so hard to keep these walls up?"

"Probably," I scoff, "He's like, obsessed with getting people to open up to him. He wants to know all their secrets. I wouldn't be shocked if he even just wants us to talk so that he can get more information about both of us."

"Do you really think Naruto would do something like that?" he questions, "If so, that's very manipulative."

I can't help but roll my eyes at that. "Ugh, no, I guess not," I admit. "He's not manipulative—I'm just annoyed right now."

I shouldn't be talking about Naruto like that. He isn't manipulative at all. He's good. He's nice. He's just too impatient when it comes to this shit, so he nags. He doesn't come up with sneaky plans, though. He just nags.

"He knows everything about me now," I admit. "Everything that matters, at least."

I try to think of something Naruto DOESN'T know, but I can't. Maybe there's something stupid, like I used to wet the bed or some shit… but that stuff doesn't really matter. Not now, at least.

"Does that bother you?" Gaku asks.

"Sometimes," I confess. "I'm not used to people knowing things about me, especially the things I used to try hard to conceal. I never really had a best friend before Naruto came along and he's the kind of guy who really likes being all open and vulnerable with people."

"Mmm," he hums, "it makes sense that that's difficult for you. That's difficult for most people even, but your parents especially didn't always encourage you to be open about certain things."

"You can say again," I bite out, "my mom is a crazy fucking bitch."

Gaku looks uncomfortable, like he wants to avoid trash-talking his brother's wife, but I honestly couldn't care less.

"You know she went through all my shit," I decide to tell him, "she raided my fucking room and ordered my phone records so she could see what I was saying to people. That's why I moved out. That's why she knew I was sleeping with Naruto."

Gaku frowns. "Yeah, that wasn't right of her."

"No shit," I mutter. "She's insane."

I don't know if things will EVER be okay with me and my parents. Too much shit has happened and too much time has passed. Nothing has been resolved. I don't think my mother is capable of admitting she fucked up and maybe that's a trait she passed down to me, but I didn't royally fuck up someone's life the way she fucked up mine.

GOD, thinking about it gets me SO riled up I could scream.

"She has some control issues, that's for sure," Gaku says and that's probably the closest he'll come to saying anything against her.

"I'll fucking say," I mumble.

The fact that Gaku obvious disagrees with most of the crap my mom does makes me wonder where the fuck he has been most my life. Why did he let Hiro get away with that shit when we were younger? Why did he let him keep tormenting me? Why didn't he have him, like, fucking committed or something to get him far the fuck away from me?

It also makes me wonder what he was thinking when he and his family would come over, or invite my family over. Did he also believe we could just will all the bad feelings away if we spent enough time together, or did my mom just bully him like she does my dad? What made him come to his senses?

"Why do you want to patch things up with me?" I ask him. "Why now? Why not five years ago? Ten years ago?"

He lets out a long, weary sigh. "I didn't know how badly you were affected. Your mother played things down. We thought you were doing all right, but then I saw you weren't."

"The barbeque," I murmur in recollection.I let out a bitter laugh and say, "My mom was so mad at me."

GOD, that was a humiliating day.

"They kept apologizing to me," Gaku continues. "I didn't think that was right."

"They always worry about what people will think about them," I say tersely. "They don't really worry about me."

"Did Hiro try anything that day?" Gaku asks.

I grimace and the thought makes me want to fucking barf. "No…! It wasn't like that. He was just being an asshole…"

He lets out a relieved sigh. I wonder what everyone would do if Hiro DID try to fuck with me again like he did when we were kids. My mom would probably tell me to get over it.

I don't think he would do that, though. It's not even like what we were doing was for sexual gratification. I don't really know what it was all about. Hiro never told me. I wonder what he'd say if I asked him again…

"You should have put Hiro away a long time ago," I mumble.

"No parent wants to do that to their child, no matter what awful things they did," he replies softly.

"He has no fucking soul," I bite out. "He's empty. When he looks at me, I can tell he has no conscience. No empathy. There's nothing inside."

Gaku looks disheartened, but he probably knows I'm fucking right.

"A while ago he told me some old perv molested him," I decide to add. "So, I felt bad and I let him into the house."

Gaku visibly tenses. "That's right," he confirms tersely, "his coach."

"Yeah, well, he used it to guilt me into letting him into my fucking life again." I scowl. "He told me and then acted like I was a fucking baby for being upset over something like that."

"I'm so sorry that happened," he apologizes, seeming deeply disturbed. "It's inappropriate for him to be approaching you at all, especially with information like that."

"I know that!" I snap, feeling humiliated that I bought into it at the time, "But he still does! I asked him why the fuck he would do something like that to me if he knows how horrible it is and he always just repeats the same thing—that I'm his favorite cousin—as if I have any idea what that fucking means!"

Gaku steeples his fingers and his brows knit together. "Sometimes I wonder if he sees it as a bad thing. He doesn't talk about it like it hurts him. He's very factual when he talks about it."

"So, what?" I scoff. "It's some fond memory?"

Disgusting.

"I don't know," Gaku murmurs.

"Even if he denies it, it DID fuck him up," I retort. "If that didn't happen to him, then he probably wouldn't have done it to me."

Gaku nods his head. "You're right."

"I know!" I exclaim, getting more and more worked up. I take a breath and force myself to calm down. I am probably going to start attracting unwanted attention if I start hollering. This is NOT a conversation I want people eavesdropping on. "I just… I want to know why he really did it. I want a reason that doesn't revolve around me being his favourite. That doesn't give me an answer. All I can do is speculate."

But maybe Gaku is right. Maybe Hiro doesn't see it as wrong. Then again, maybe he knows and just doesn't care. I don't know. I doubt he'll ever let me know.

"I want him to tell me if it was something about me specifically or if it wasn't me if it would have been someone else," I continue, "and if it was specifically me, what about me?"

Gaku sighs heavily through his nose. "Honestly," he says, finishing what is left of his own coffee, "I don't know if you're ever going to find what you're looking for from him. I don't know if he's capable of giving you an answer."

"Did you ever talk to him about it after you found out?" I ask, "Did he ever give you a reason why?"

"Of course I talked to him about it," he tells me, looking surprised that I could even think something like that. "Your aunt and I grilled him for months about it. He would never tell us anything either, though."

"So, the guy never went to prison?" I wonder.

Gaku shakes his head. "By the time we found out, the sick bastard left the state. Who the fuck knows where he is now? Apparently his information was falsified as well, so there was no way to track him."

I scoff at that. "Typical."

I fucking hate shit like this. I hate how often it happens. I hate that there is hardly ever any justice. It makes me sick.

"How'd you find out what happened, then?" I wonder.

"The way Hiro was acting," Gaku says vaguely. "The signs were clear as day, so my wife and I asked him about it. Then we took him to a doctor."

"Oh," I mumble.

It's uncomfortable to think about, let alone talk about.

"What was he doing?" I ask. "I mean… what behaviours made you realize something happened to him?"

I wonder if I ever exhibited behaviours like that? If so, my parents must have had their heads too far up their asses to notice something was wrong.

For a moment, Gaku looks unsure, like he's almost wary to tell me. "He was acting facetiously mature, he got bored of having friends his own age, he would touch himself at inappropriate times and it grew excessive –" he starts, but I realize I don't want to hear anymore. I literally can't.

I can literally feel vomit in my throat. No. I never showed signs like that. I just wet the bed a lot.

"Actually, never mind," I cut him off. "I don't want to know what else…"

Gaku simply nods his head.

"Did I ever have things like that?" I ask somewhat anxiously, "Behaviors that made you realize something was wrong?"

He looks thoughtful for a moment, and it's unclear if he's trying to remember or if he's trying to decide how much he wants to tell me.

"When we first discovered what had happened, I spent a lot of time trying to think back and piece things together," he starts, "Now that I have all of the facts, there were some signs that I think your parents were too quick to chalk up to you being poorly disciplined."

"—Like?" I question.

"You were a very happy child," Gaku explains, "you didn't cry and you didn't fuss. It was always delightful to have you over because you were so much less difficult than our own son. Then somewhere along the way you started to throw these fits. You would refuse to eat and were extremely averse to being touched."

"Oh," I respond flatly.

"There were a number of things," he admits, looking like he feels guilty, "I wish one of us had noticed."

I feel like someone should have noticed. Behaviours like that often have a cause and don't typically show up out of the blue. No one paid enough attention.

It was a bad time in my life - the years during it and the years right after it ended. I don't really talk about it or think about it. I used to do things to myself, though. I would hurt myself when I was a kid and I would hurt myself as a teenager and maybe I'm still hurting myself, just in other ways than with sharp objects.

It sounds stupid. I have scars, but they are the type you wouldn't really notice unless you knew what to look for. By now, they are pretty faded. I doubt Naruto picked up on it all the times we've messed around. If he did, I know he would have said something right away. It's not possible for him to push curiosity aside, especially with shit like that.

"As you got older there were other things your mother shared with us," Gaku continues. He seems like he feels uncomfortable but I bet I feel worse.

"Wow, so surprising." I say sarcastically. For how concerned she was with keeping the rest of the world out of our business, she sure was fucking gossipy with the entirety of our extended family.

"When you were about sixteen she mentioned to us that she had been finding blood on some towels," he says, obviously trying his best to tread lightly, "and that there was a potential you were hurting yourself."

Ugh. We are so far past speaking delicately. This whole conversation has already gotten so graphic that I don't even see the point in trying to keep g-rated anymore.

"Yeah, I would cut myself," I say bluntly, "that's why we didn't have any fucking locks in the house and my parents were always running after me every time I left the goddamn room."

Gaku stares at me sadly, "You can understand why your parents were concerned, can't you?"

"I mean, yeah, I guess!" I exclaim. "They went about it in the completely wrong way though!"

My mom didn't act sympathetic. She just got angry. To confirm her suspicions she grabbed my arm and rolled up my sleeves and then she got mad at the damage. I hated her so much in that moment. I've hated her too many times.

She made me promise not to do it anymore, but I still did. I just stopped harming in places she could see.

I eventually did stop, though. I don't really want to start that again. It was a really low and shameful time in my life.

"Yeah," Gaku murmurs. "She went about a lot of things in the wrong way."

"Yeah, she did," I bite out. "Sometimes I think she hated me all along. If she loves me, why would she have done all that awful shit?"

I don't know what possible justification there could be.

"No…" Gaku insists, "Of course she loves you."

"I literally don't even see how that's possible." I spit back at him, crossing my arms and slumping back in my chair.

"Tsume wasn't equipped to deal with what was happening and she made the wrong decisions," he reasons, "that doesn't make up for the fact that her choices ultimately made things harder for you, but she was always trying to protect you. She just didn't know how to ask for help—none of us did—and that was what we all really needed as a family."

"She was always mad at me!" I hiss, "She acted like the whole damn thing was my fault!"

I'm shouting, but I don't really care if people stare at me anymore.

This is so stupid.

I have NEVER felt love from her. Even before all of this shit happened she was so controlling. She wanted me to be a specific person and her plans got ruined when Hiro did what he did. Things got worse after that. It's like she went fucking crazy. GOD.

"She made mistakes," Gaku reiterates.

"Then she needs to apologize to me," I seethe.

If not, then I'll never forgive her. I fucking can't.

But truly, I can't see her taking responsibility for the things she did. She's not that type of person. She can't admit she fucked up.

At that, Gaku seems to drop the subject. I think he knows I'm right. I'm never going to get the closure from her that I want.

I wonder if even he likes my mother. She walks all over my father and if I had a sibling married to someone as controlling as her I would be concerned. I feel like she's the source of a lot of drama for all of us.

"I know that our family has let you down," Gaku tells me sadly.

I laugh bitterly at that. "Yeah," I agree, "this is the nicest thing I've done with someone related to me for as long as I can remember and it's still fucking traumatic."

Gaku nods his head, looking incredibly piteous towards me. I hate it, but I don't tell him to stop. He probably doesn't know what other expression to put on. I mean, most people wouldn't.

"If you ever want to, we can do this again," he decides to say.

"Yeah," I murmur. "Yeah… maybe. I think I'd like that."

I think.

Honestly, I feel like I'm really hungry for this kind of familial attention. It's something I'm not used to and I don't really know what to do with it. It makes me feel weird – weird in a good way, but still weird. It makes me feel kind of bitter at the same time. It makes me think about all these what-ifs.

"Do you want me to drive you home?" Gaku offers, standing up from the table and collecting our coffee mugs. "Did you take the bus?"

"No thanks, I brought my car," I say, following suit.

We leave the cafe and Gaku walks me to where I parked. "I'll wait for you to contact me," he tells me, putting the ball fully in my court.

"Okay," I agree, although I can't promise how long that may be from now, if ever.

With that, I tell him goodbye. I also tell him thanks, but it feels like honestly he should be thanking me for being open to something like this. No matter how nice he was being, it still feels a little like he's trying to clear his conscience.

"See you, Kiba," he says.

I nod and get into my car, driving off and heading towards the direction of the apartment I share with Naruto.

I feel pretty tired. I think it's mostly a mental thing, though. I didn't expect any of this to happen, but I guess I am glad it did. I feel like a lot of ground was covered. I still kind of wish my mom and dad would talk to me like this, though. It feels like a pipe dream at this point – something totally unattainable and unrealistic.

Whatever, I guess. There's no use dwelling or wishing or being pointlessly hopefully. Things aren't going to change. I'll probably never talk to my parents again. I need to come to terms with that… but until then, I'll push it all aside because that's what I always fucking do.