I could feel his tears against my cheeks.
We were both shaking, a growing desperation and hunger in the way our lips collided. Dan's fingers were running endlessly through my hair to my tearstained cheeks then back again, his other hand squeezing on my arm as if feeling every inch of warmth I have on my skin. I could feel the thumping of his chest on my palms, his every breath thrumming through my fingers. He was pulling me closer and my body was giving in. I could feel myself crashing into a void of wanting as I clung to his shirt, our lips animalistic against each other.
It took every fibre of my being and sanity to pull away from him.
"Dan... We can't do this anymore." I breathed, my voice hoarse.
He looked at me, his eyes still filled with tears the same as mine. His lips were swollen from our kisses, his hands still holding onto me as if he was afraid I might disappear into the air.
"Why... What are...you...talking about?" he couldn't talk straight, his teeth chattering wildly from crying.
"You said I understand. But I don't want to hurt you and Phil if ever the time comes that I become selfish or jealous or demanding. They might be a time when I won't understand. I don't want to tear you apart." I told him, trying to hold myself together as I did.
That's the thing about the future. People change. Yes, I understand them now but until when? I've always been afraid of things I couldn't control.
"Take the risk!" Dan shouted, slamming his fist on the floor.
"Would you really want me to?!" I asked him, already knowing the answer.
His head was hanging low, shoulder shaking. I could see tears rushing down his cheeks even as he harshly wipes them away with his hand.
"Please go..." I whispered.
"Why does it have to be this complicated?" I heard him say.
I held either side of his face, brushing his cheeks with my thumb. "It's not. We've gone six years apart. You said it yourself, right? We've grown. We know that there are far more important things than us."
He looked at me and the pain in my chest tripled. "I feel like I'm hurting you more than you're hurting me." he said.
I gave a sad laugh. "Nah. All of the things that happened to you... That's happening to you... That makes me happy."
He was about to touch my face but I shook my head. I don't want to crumble. Not yet.
I closed my eyes and let go of him. "Go..."
I could feel him slowly slipping away and I didn't look until I heard the door come to a complete close.
And just like that, I felt myself break into a thousand more pieces.