And we drive away and head for south
We found our way and blocked it out

Cry alone, and die alone
Pray alone, and stay alone

You were burned out
And had to stop before all hell broke
And finally took its toll
-Drown Out, Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova

Kate stood vaguely at attention in front of Gates' desk. Her Captain had been ranting for the past several minutes, ever since Beckett got back to the station house after nearly two days in the Hamptons. Kate knew she deserved it, but she couldn't quite bring herself to listen without getting angry, so she merely stood there and let her mind wander. Gates' chewouts didn't tend to be interactive anyway.

She wished Castle was there, at least to share in ... in the what? Blame? The scolding? She couldn't say what, exactly, only that she wanted him around. But he had to get to Alexis' graduation, so Kate found herself suffering alone. Probably for the better, from an objective point of view, since any Gates anger was typically doubled in her partner's presence. But her fingers twitched as they rested against the seam of her jeans, as if they wanted to reach out and take his hand of their own volition.

"...and then pulling your badge ... which you weren't authorized to use at the time... on the former mayor's private plane? What the hell were you thinking, Detective?"

Beckett startled after a second, finally realizing that the question wasn't rhetorical. "I thought it was more important to stop a killer before she escaped the country, sir, than worry about my current legal status, which I should point out should no longer be in effect since it was in response to a faulty lawsuit."

Kate had often wondered if Castle could spike Gates' blood pressure enough to make her head explode. It appeared, based on the look on the Captain's face, that Kate might be the one to actually trigger an explosion.

After a second, it passed, as Iron Gates iron constitution won back control. "Detective, in my precinct we use hard evidence to make our cases, not fanciful stories. And that's still all you have on Ms. Moriety..."

"Sir," Beckett interrupted, "the FBI and SEC confirmed that this week's stock market dip was attributed to a massive selloff on the Moriety, Peterson and other's portfolios, which were then transferred to Moriety's accounts before disappearing out of the country."

Gates blew out a hard breath before taking off her glasses. "Detective ... Kate," Gates said, seeming to change tack, "I agree with you, but the truth of the matter is, you have no case. We have no case. The DA is going to take one look at our actions, as well as the specter of the wrongful death suit, and run away from it as fast as she can, regardless of what evidence you get at this point. At let's not even mention that you allowed your chief suspect to wash evidence off before questioning, or that you gained access to East Hampton's airfield under false pretenses. Hell, the only good news I've gotten today is that Annapurna quietly lobbied to have the wrongful death suit dropped."

"So I'm off suspension?"

"Not even slightly," Gates said.

Beckett squeezed her hand into a fist. Oh how she wished Castle was around, if only to keep her from punching Gates. But the thought faded as Gates started into the second round of her rant.

Castle was distracted.

The principal was wrapping up, meaning that Alexis was about to give her speech, but Castle couldn't focus on the moment. He wanted to be with Kate, knowing that she was probably facing hell from the Captain. More precisely, he wanted to be with Kate, with Kate sitting beside him at the graduation, enjoying herself and neither of them getting chewed out at all.

Of course, even without the need to go to the station, Kate wouldn't have been at the graduation. Graduation was a family thing, and Kate wasn't. But he wanted her there anyway.

Castle's mind finally cleared as Alexis got up and gave her speech. He found himself wistful as Alexis spoke about the people in her life, in all lives, that leave a permanent mark, so that we carry something of them always.

Castle thought of Kate, not in the way Alexis had termed, "the small clear voices," but as something more active. He wasn't ready to carry Kate with him, because he wasn't ready to move on, as Alexis spoke of. What Alexis was describing was a goodbye, but Castle wasn't ready for goodbyes.

He wasn't sure he'd ever agree with Kate's logic to lock him out for a year, but he understood why it made sense to her. And he loved her enough to be able to put himself into her frame of mind and she what she'd done through her eyes. He could hear the small clear voices that must have echoed in her ears, heard what they would have said to her, and understood why they would have made sense of her nonsensical actions.

Their lives had become ironic, in the legitimate sense, not in any sort of ersatz Morisette's irony. She'd hurt him by trying to protect him, just as his attempt to pull her close had pushed her away. It was as if he'd gotten to participate in his own odd Gift of the Magi.

He let the thought fall away as Alexis finished her speech and gave him a slight wave. But part of it lingered. He wanted Kate to be there, next to him.

"...so however wrong the lawsuit was, you still acted multiple times without authority. So I'm leaving your suspension in place for a month."

Kate bit her lip and silently counted to ten. Part of her, a large part, wanted to take her badge and throw it in Gates' face. But she couldn't. She couldn't escape her own culpability in the mistakes of the case. So she shoved her anger down and took her punishment.

"I understand... sir. Is that all?"

Gates stared hard at her for a second, before she shoulder's slumped slightly. "No, Detective. Please sit down."

"Sir?"

Gates sat at her desk, "Kate... sit. Please."

Beckett shook her head, but it didn't clear up her confusion any. The change in tone had been startling. She pulled out on of the guest chairs and sat tentatively in front of the Captain's desk.

"I figure you've heard from Esposito and Ryan about their case?"

Kate shook her head. They boys had told her they were going after their suspect, who they thought was also her sniper. But there had been radio silence all morning since the raid was ordered. "Just the basics, sir."

"They were investigating the death of a former gang member named Oscar Costas. It appears that Costas had been hired to rob Captain's Montgomery's house, and was then killed afterwards by the man who shot you at the funeral."

Kate nodded slightly, feeling the normal turning of her stomach whenever her shooting came up.

"I sent Ryan and Esposito in with SWAT backup to apprehend the sniper, a man operating under the name Cole Maddox, despite Esposito's protests. They were able to recover records that had been stolen from the Montgomerys', but in an attempt to subdue Maddox, both Maddox and Sgt. Jefferson from SWAT were shot and the fell off the building where Maddox was staying. Kate, the man that shot you is dead."

Part of Kate felt relief, knowing he was no longer out there to stalk her, but part of her wondered if Maddox's death wasn't another Dick Coonan situation. Yet another dead lead.

But then the oddest sense of peace came over her. Her mother's case was out of her hands now. Maybe she'd be a part of it, maybe it would die with Cole Maddox. But the last few days had showed her she would have done something reckless in trying to bring Maddox in, had she not been tied up with Moriety, and she could now be faced with something much worse than a dead end.

Castle had been right. If her mother ever received justice, it would be through the work of the judicial process, not through a crusade on Kate's part.

"...and you are on suspension, so if I even get a hint that you are probing into Internal Affair's handling of this..."

Kate shook herself out of her thoughts. "You won't, sir. I won't be involved."

Gates looked surprised for a split second, but recovered. "Good. Then I will see you back here thirty days from today."

Kate nodded and stood up, conscious to leave her badge and gun on Gates' desk. With a nod, she turned and left.

She threw a quick look at her desk as she passed, but really just wanted to get out of the building quickly.

She wondered where she'd head now. But then she knew where she wanted to be, and left the building with a spring in her step.

Castle made the rounds, politely making small talk with parents of Alexis' friends as the young redhead hugged people and accepted congratulations from adult and classmate alike. He'd been a celebrity long enough that he could do glad handing rounds in his sleep. He figured that by now, whatever punishments Gates were going to deal out where dealt, and Beckett was off somewhere licking her wounds. He wondered when she'd text him to duck out on their date for the evening. If she even remembered their agreement, which felt like it had been made far longer than twenty four hours previous.

He wanted to hear from her, but not if she was simply going to cancel. But he knew what she was like,and knew that a dressing down would leave her wanting to be alone, so he knew he'd have to accept a night by himself. But he'd been looking forward to a date with her...

If that wasn't a clear sign that he was ready to forgive her and try again, he didn't know what was. He wasn't entirely sure she wouldn't hurt him, but he also knew that the heart wanted what the heart wanted.

And his heart wanted her.

Everything else, his claims that he needed time or whatever from her, where just noise. He would dive in with her because that's who he was and what he did, and because, when he listened to his inner voice, that's what he heard himself wanting.

"Dad, we're going to head to dinner now, okay? Could you..." Alexis asked, trailing off. He followed her eyes to the things in her hands.

"Take your robe and things home? Of course, sweetheart."

"Thanks, Dad," Alexis said, giving him a hug. "I'll see you tomorrow morning."

"Have fun, and don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"Are there things you won't do?" His mother chimed in. He ignored her. He watched his daughter run off into a crowd of friends, wondering if her leaving was just a preview of the future.

Fifteen minutes later, he had his mother in a car off to the Hamptons, so he decided to take a walk through the city before the rains started. He strolled down Broadway, waiting for the phone in his pocket to vibrate, but it lay there, like a found pebble.

Every minute that passed was another one in which Kate hadn't cancelled their date, but didn't give him any relief. A lot had changed in the last few days, and he hadn't fully processed all of it. For all the relief he felt over having everything between him and Kate out in the open, he had no idea what changes it would bring. He trusted that something had changed in Kate, and he knew that something changed in him, but he was also old enough to know that intentions alone didn't guarantee success. Kate would still be Kate - closed off, tending to act off her own certainty, quicker to protect than to understand. And he'd still be himself - needy, overly willing to be pushed over, quick to be hurt. It probably wasn't the best combination.

But he wanted what he wanted. He wanted her. She wanted him. From that they would build and hope for the best.

But probably not tonight, he thought as he checked the rapidly darkening sky. Kate's mother's case had made a comeback in their life. They'd just had their biggest failed case as partners. They'd walked, run, and crawled through the emotional gauntlet, and some healing was necessary. And he knew, as well as he knew his own name, that Kate Beckett was like an animal when wounded. She'd crawl into a hole and be alone for a few days, and when he saw her again, he'd have to push to get her back to where she'd been in the Hamptons. He'd get her there, he was certain, if only because he was unwilling to fail now, but it would take time.

He had time. It wasn't like he hadn't already spent tons. What was a little more?

As he got a few blocks from Broome, he realized he hadn't timed it quite right as the sky opened and started pouring down on him. He broke out into a run, unwilling to bet on finding a cab for the four block run to his building. By the time he pushed through the revolving door into his lobby, he was half-drowned. Charlie, the doorman on duty gave him a chagrined smile and handed him a towel from behind the desk. Castle wiped off his face and hair quickly, then headed to the elevator. He'd definitely order pizza when he got to his apartment. Right after he changed.

He got out of the elevator to see a tall body leaning against his door. His distracted mind noted the bottle of wine in her hand before he fully realized who he was looking at.

"Kate?"

"Hey, Castle. Wanna start our date a bit early?"