Thanks to everyone who's reviewed lately, I was amazed at the response Chapter 23 got lol

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Go No Further

Part 25: A Fool's Way

Sakura was leaning against the wall of the ANBU headquarters, hidden slightly by the fact she was down on of the alleyways, catching her breath. The debrief with Ibiki (unfortunately already put off for two days) had been painful, at first they went through all of the information she'd collected and masked which was a good means of settling herself as she recited everything she knew and they took notes.

As soon as she'd moved onto the torture, Sakura could almost feel Ibiki begin to listen more intently – as a specialist in torture and interrogation himself, he was apparently eager to hear about any new methods.

She wasn't sure how to explain that it was Inner Sakura who fought off Hijiku and his mind-invasion technique and so didn't explain it in quite those terms, but they seemed to buy that she mentally resisted it with everything she had.

It took hours and Sakura found herself exhausted – she'd left her apartment early that morning, not really wanting to face Kakashi and whatever comments he may have had about her avoidance of both Ino and Naruto the day before (even if he did try to find her twice).

She knew she couldn't avoid them forever and it was incredibly pathetic, but somehow, she just couldn't bring herself to face anyone and bear her shame wide open – Ino was sure to make a fuss and potentially attempt to come in and do some chores and stay for ages, and be too stressful for Sakura to cope with.

She could only just about manage Kakashi (even if he was a nag) because of his generally calm and subdued nature, he seemed to swan around on a sense of calm he brought everywhere with him and it seems to now naturally flow through Sakura's apartment.

They'd had a few serious disagreements where Kakashi decided she was being irresponsible with her health and Sakura was sick of living by his regimented rules – she knew he only cared, no matter how irritating – but they could also, apparently, be as stubborn as each other.

In the end, Kakashi only won because he was bigger and stronger than she, and he simply carried her back to her apartment after she'd trained for less than a fraction of the time she wanted to.

One thing, however, Sakura would not bug Kakashi on (although it did surprise the hell out of her) was the fact that he was an excellent chef.

Sakura had to admit, she actually looked forward to meal times and having some dish which looked and tasted amazing was a real treat and she had to admit after the initial shock had worn off, it didn't seem that odd to think of Kakashi as a gourmand – it did seem to suit his nature, following what would most benefit his life as a ninja: that eating well was key to a healthy body and mind.

"Busy?" His familiar voice interrupted her revere as she leaned up suddenly to see him stood a few feet away, with one hand in his pocket and another holding Icha Icha Violence,

"Depends…not gearing up for another lecture, are you?" She retorted, slightly on edge that he'd caught her at something of a vulnerable moment,

"You can't avoid them forever – Ino was on the back up team to support Inoichi-san, Shikaku-san and Naruto, so she already knows. Naruto is desperate because he thinks what happened is his fault." Sakura pushed off the wall and made to walk past him, taking her eyes off him at the same time,

"Of course he does, I can't look after myself, remember?" She could hear Kakashi sigh as she snapped his book shut and placed a hand on her shoulder to stop her leaving,

"That's not what he meant, his role a then was to protect you and fight opponents so that you wouldn't have to and could conserve your chakra. Naruto acted on his own and didn't think, which left you unguarded,"

He could feel the tension in her from his grip on her shoulder,

"Nothing will ever change between you and Naruto if you don't go and talk to him, you don't have to forgive everything overnight, but what's the purpose is making an ally into an enemy? I highly doubt that will be your last mission with him, even if you were both lucky for that not to be the case,"

"I wasn't planning on never speaking to him again, but I'm just not ready to face him yet,"

"When will you be? It's not fair to leave him hanging," Sakura jerked his hand off her shoulder,

"Oh, save me your self-righteous answers to everything," With that, she promptly took off, dashing away to try and find a secluded spot before her strength failed her and she'd have to rest; it was another thing Sakura hated about her current predicament – her emotional state seemed to be in constant turmoil, as though she couldn't feel any one thing for more than about five minutes.

She used to be quite stable and it took a lot to really rile her up, but now, it felt like yet another challenge, just to keep herself in check and not snap at anyone which didn't deserve it.

It seemed like even the tiniest thing could tip her into a bad mood. And after the briefing with Ibiki where all the memories had been dredged up again, especially those she really wanted to forget– or had been close to doing so, were now back at the forefront of her mind and as vivid as when they'd happened.

She hated too, that it made her seem to fit right in the girly-stereotype, again – it seemed like everything was out to drive her crazy – it was almost frightening how out of control of herself and her environment she felt.

She couldn't go home because no doubt Kakashi would be there, ready to being the fight again; she didn't want stay out in the village for too long, because she might run into Ino or Naruto or someone, but of course, neither could she stay out forever.

She was already tired and there was some part of her which wanted to go to sleep and not bother waking up again…thank Kami her team were still away on a mission – she'd never survive if she had those three fussing and arguing about what had happened.

She kept on walking, despite her fatigue, her steps taking her over the top of the Hokage monument until she found the staircase on the far side and began a slow decent.

She wanted to stop and sit but each carved stair was muddy and moss-slicked from winter, slowing her pace even further, lest she fall, Sakura's mind drifted to Kakashi again; it was a surprise, but she found him extremely easy to live with (when he wasn't intent on driving her crazy with frustration).

He seemed happy enough on her little pull-out futon she primarily kept from her years working in the hospital before she joined ANBU – when she held a more open-door policy for injured shinobi. He was an early riser much as she was, but the lackadaisical and bored manner seemed all the more fake, he smiled more often and, dare she say it, seemed chatty.

It wasn't so much idle prattling, which she was grateful for, they talked about jutsu most often, Kakashi wanting to hear more on her development of her space-time jutsu (as well as nagged her for not naming it), he was fascinated by watching her create the 'film' through his sharingan, taking a few minutes to digest all of the information before offering his analysis on how to improve her chakra flow.

They talked about ANBU training too – apparently, Kakashi hadn't found it too difficult as he'd said that he'd essentially schooled himself in the emotional discipline needed (due to events he refused to elaborate on) well before he applied.

Sakura had never seen him look nostalgic, but as he spoke about how disapproving his sensei had been when he asked him to offer his support and it had apparently taken Kakashi nearly four full months to convince his teacher – who'd also been the Hokage at the time so he couldn't be overruled – that he was a suitable candidate.

The silver-haired shinobi – when he'd passed the entrance exam with flying colours – which he'd taken the time to point it out to his prior sensei, demanding to know why he'd been denied for so long (when he was clearly good enough); the Yondaime had said that he thought it would do Kakashi good to remain in the village for a while – especially after the eclipse of war.

Interestingly, it was apparently around that time that he'd begun his rivalry-slash-friendship with Gai and as his ANBU missions began to take their toll, Kakashi guessed that what Minato had really been saying, was that he wouldn't survive ANBU if he didn't have friends on the outside to take his mind of things whenever he returned – to give his home meaning and something to return to.

Sakura didn't quite understand all of what he was saying, but she suspected they revolved around the suspicious gaps in his story telling which he wasn't comfortable with discussing.

Sakura had found herself partially agreeing with him when he spoke about the emotional discipline, that whilst she'd had a relatively easy life compared to most shinobi and ninja families or clans, she did understand a lot about emotion and what its real (although often subtle) impact on a mission was.

In a twisted sort of way, she'd said, Sasuke had yet again proven his distant value through 'tough love'.

Kakashi offered a wry smile at her words, obviously understanding what she meant but he looked sort of sad, as if becoming a sensei himself gave him the opportunity to really understand what Minato had been saying to him – a fourteen year old at the time who was too eager to wipe the slate clean and serve his village hadn't been able to see.

He seemed to relax around her more, she'd often woken up in the morning to find him stood, leaning against her kitchen counter, waiting for the kettle to boil, in little more than a pair of boxers and his skin-tight tank top with attached mask; she made a point of acting as though noting was amiss.

In a strange way, too, it made her feel better seeing that he was so relaxed both with her and in her home – she knew that if he stood on ceremony, then she would have felt permanently on edge.

Kakashi's state of dress on such occasions, however, did not go unappreciated – like most shinobi, his body was very easy on the eyes and Sakura was a firm believer in the fact that beauty was a democratic thing – it could be appreciated by anybody (so long as one knew both boundaries and tact, of course).

The recently re-awakened Inner Sakura didn't waste the opportunity to take mental snapshot and continue to "appreciate" his physique in the way real Sakura couldn't.

She knew that making Kakashi aware of either the fact she thought him to be good looking or that she saw nothing wrong with the occasional ogle, was most definitely a bad idea (and, hence Inner Sakura wasted no time in taking over the reins on that one).

Kakashi – despite being an exceptional shinobi and surprisingly decent guy – was still a pervert, and Sakura would bet an awful lot that if he ever knew of her thoughts, then he would give as good as he got.

He read Icha Icha considerably less too (although he still had a healthy collection stock-piled in her apartment) his favourite time to read – or so it seemed to her – were the few spare hours post dinner but pre-bedtime.

It was usually at these times Sakura found herself most able to write up the lengthy report on her past mission; it was a bad time to write for it tended to make her nights restless – filling her thoughts with saturnine images did nothing for her ability to sleep. She'd awoken once from dreams which lead her to far darker places than, thankfully, what her captors had done to her, to find him stood in her doorway, his concern evident.

Sakura, of course, brushed him off and telling him she was fine, even though she could feel her hands shaking as she swiped one through her hair; instead of leaving as requested, he wandered over to her. She hadn't noticed that he hadn't left until the bed dipped beside her and his cool voice merely asked 'what happened?'

She answered briefly, a part of her not wanting to bear her shame to Kakashi, so she skimmed over the details; he stayed for a while, sitting close – closer than perhaps friends might – but not close enough for any physical contact to occur.

Sakura couldn't help but feel more insecure as she spoke; Kakashi sat and listened but Sakura could so clearly feel the emotional distance between them that she couldn't bring herself to tell him what was really bothering her.

Still he seemed to understand and as she finished off her ramble, she found her eyes averting to him she met his eyes but before she knew what, he'd slung his arms around her and squeezed her tight under his chin for a split second; he let go just as quickly and rose to his feet with a slight whisper of, 'don't worry, Sakura, they're dead and you're safely back within the walls of Konoha.'

It was only after he'd left that she realised that the only think he'd been wearing a pair of boxers and that he'd been completely naked from the waist up – so maskless.

From the glimpses she caught (the dim light being too low to catch detail) his face seemed pretty normal, which was probably why she didn't immediately react, but it did make her think: what must Kakashi's opinion be of either her or her current state, that he would forgo a mask to comfort her after a nightmare?

Sakura wasn't sure, but she did know that it took her until almost dawn to fall asleep again, but thankfully this time, her thoughts were filled with an oddly behaving Copy Nin rather than evil men against whom she'd sinned.

"Sakura! How delighted I am to see you! It has been far too long!" Sakura's head shot up to come face to face with the sparkly grin of the bizarre beast, just as she'd finished climbing down the stone wrought steps.

"Gai…It's been a while," Sakura – for the first time – found herself actually tentative as she stood in front of the green beast,

"Indeed it has…I presume you've been away on a mission?"

"Yea…that's right," Sakura took another step down, right off the stair case and past Gai, hoping she just caught him about to run up them for training, but he didn't budge,

"You look thin," This wasn't a compliment. (Gai only gave compliments with regard to either the amount of 'gusto' with which one attacked a training session or if one surpassed a self-appointed target.)

He looked thoughtful, but his concern couldn't be completely hidden, "What has happened? It isn't like you to lose weight on a mission, no matter how long…and you look tired – usually, only the harshest training sessions are enough to fatigue you,"

Sakura couldn't help but lower her eyes off him and down to the floor, as she took another step, her body seemingly instinctively carrying her away so that she could avoid his questions. Gai didn't let her go, however, he fell into step next to her,

"Hmm, then was the mission a failure?" Gai's loyalty as a lover of challenges never waned,

"…No, quite the success," She could sense him look at her through the corner of his eye, although Sakura did her best to keep her head up straight and walk confidently, it was difficult with her body crying out for rest,

"Then do you feel as though you failed, somehow?" Sakura couldn't help but involuntarily tense, he'd essentially found the heart of the problem although Sakura hadn't rationalised in that sense

"Hmm…" Gai continued on, his tone changing slightly from cautious questioning to is 'delighted storyteller' tone, "Do you remember, a few years back when you and your age-mates –as well as my team – were about to take the Chuunin exams for the first time?" Sakura nodded, unsure where Gai was going with this,

"My poor Lee suffered dreadful injuries in the preliminary round of the third test – using a move that I had specially instructed him in to use as his ultimate move. When I saw Lee give his all but was still defeated, I thought it had been enough – to give one's all is the best we can do; afterwards, whilst Lee was trying to recover – before Tsunade-sama had been returned to us, I thought it would only be a matter of time before we could continue to train and get ever stronger.

"But after Tsunade-sama had told Lee that if he had even a slim hope of continuing his life as a ninja, he must undergo a very risky surgery, which had roughly 50% of even his survival – let alone of it being a success at all for Lee to lead his desired path of life.

"This news crushed Lee, never before nor since have I seen him look so defeated; I searched for him for hours after he'd walked away from Tsunade-sama's preliminary exam. It was so unlike Lee to hide away and keep his problems to himself – when I eventually found him, he was worried that irrespective of all the hard work he'd done previously, he might still fail.

"Up to that point, Lee's nindo ['path of life' / personal 'way of the ninja'] had always been hard work – that there was nothing he could not accomplish if he worked hard enough for it – but to have that path ripped away from him at such a desperate time was, to him, I think, more painful than the prospect of death.

"We follow a path to give our lives meaning, Sakura, and when we are faced with the prospect that even our nindo might not be enough to get us through, that our life might be meaningless after all, is arguably the worst pain it's possible to feel… Eventually, I convinced Lee to take the surgery and he pulled through – becoming ever stronger after it,"

Gai beamed at this, "We will always face new challenges, even those which test our very reason for existence; we can find ourselves in pieces, our nindo crushed and we are left with only our faults and failures.

"But do not despair, Sakura, the only way to for our nindo to be worthy of calling our way of life and to follow it without hesitation, is if it can see us through even the harshest of tests and oppositions – your purpose in life can only be stronger if your nindo can glide through what would crush another..."

"But I…felt so…weak…" Sakura found herself saying before she could control it,

"Hmm…if you were truly weak, you would not have survived – you would not have been put anywhere near a situation which could cause you hurt. Sakura, I don't really know what happened, think about your path of life – what does it mean to you? Did you violate your meaning of life through what happened? These are all things you must consider, it isn't easy, but sometimes we must look at ourselves through someone else's eyes in order to see what is really there."

As Gai finished speaking, Sakura found herself stood outside her apartment block, her mind buzzing with what Gai had been saying,

"Gai…Thank you," She offered a small smile and received a huge sparkling grin and a 'thumbs up',

"Anytime; I hope that you will cheer up soon! Forlorn is not an expression you wear well!" She assumed this was supposed to be encouraging, "And let me know when you want to begin training again – I am already looking forward to it – eat well and stay positive!"

Gai cheered as Sakura offered another wave before disappearing into her apartment block and shakily began to climb; she really had walked for longer than she'd though throughout the day – and her mental fatigue wasn't helping much.

She managed to get up the first flight of stairs before she was forced to stop for a rest and Kakashi appeared in front of her – he didn't look impressed. He pulled one of her arms over his shoulder and slipped his own around her waist, before leaping up one of the flights in one,

"It was irresponsible of you to stay out so long that you nearly collapsed, what if it had been outside somewhere?" He leapt up the second flight and pushed open the door; she felt like saying, well, forgive me for not wanting to return home and have yet another argument thrust upon me, but he could argue even without her responses, apparently, not that it was worth it anyway – it would only escalate and he'd still find a way to win.

Why the hell couldn't Tsunade-sama have gotten Gai to help us? He's way cooler than this old man! Cha! Inner Sakura protested, shaking her fist in anger. He tugged off her boots and she took a step towards her bedroom, but Kakashi was quick to coil an arm around her waist and guide her there, too,

"Where did you go, anyway?" He asked again, his voice still irritated, but calmer than before, she merely shrugged half-heartedly in response; she sat on the edge of the bed and slowly, awkwardly lifted her legs up until she could lay flat, finally giving her body the rest it so craved,

"Can I get you anything?" His voice calmed right down again to its usual timber at the apparent realisation he wasn't going to get the argument he seemed to be craving,

"Just close the door on your way out," Was all she said, doing her best to feign the act of falling asleep, she waited until the door clicked closed and the tell-tale creak of the futon frame as he returned to his seat. Her eyes opened again and although Sakura was tired and wanted to sleep, she had some serious thinking to do.

Kakashi didn't sleep at all throughout the previous evening, he was far too worried about Sakura and angry with himself – which he'd managed to take out on her. She'd left so early the previous morning, he'd been in the shower at the time, expecting her to be half-way through a bowl of rice by the time he'd finished, but the apartment was empty, they'd suffered a minor argument the night before about her avoiding her friends.

The first time, when he could feel Ino's chakra climb the stairs and Sakura had taken that moment to say she was planning on taking on long bath, (which was odd in itself as she'd almost always used showers) and so he was forced to tell her Sakura was busy.

The first blonde was worried and Kakashi conceded to giving Ino a quick low-down on her friend, who'd asked Kakashi to advise Sakura to meet her the next day for tea; only after the blonde had long left did Sakura re-emerge and similar things happened whenever Naruto appeared.

Kakashi found himself so irritated with Sakura's immature behaviour (believing that she wouldn't make much progress without letting them in) that he'd forgotten that it was the day of her briefing with Ibiki (which had been put off due to some lengthy meetings between the Hokage, councillors and ANBU heads over something or other).

When he'd eventually found her, hours later, he didn't immediately focus on where he was and instead started right on the topic which had been bothering him, before she'd have a chance to escape; it was only after she'd left that he took note of his surroundings and realised that she must just have come from the briefing.

He'd thought she looked pensive and slightly distressed, it was no wonder why…now.

He wanted to slap himself when he realised that he'd just turned up and arrogantly started an old argument about something which, to be honest, really could have waited – for days if necessary – after Sakura had been forced to relive and regale her experiences to that sadist Ibiki, which she'd been trying to come to terms with over the past few days.

It was after that that he decide to leave her be, if she'd had a chance to go off and relax, then an apology from him was more likely to be accepted.

When it began to get late and he worried, his eye kept drifing out of the window to watch for her return and when he saw her walk with Gai – her shoulders relaxing as the Jounin spoke with serious but comfortable manner, Kakashi couldn't help his own bolt of irritation: wasn't he supposed to be the one making her feel better?

He found himself enjoying their time together and yes, she could be a bit snappish occasionally, but she was quick to apologise and he could understand what prompted it; he hated how powerless he felt as Sakura seemed to be coasting, doing just enough to stop him worrying, but she wasn't really getting any better – and he hadn't the faintest idea what would help.

He'd felt her chakra swirl and ebb all afternoon and early evening, a dead giveaway of her tumultuous emotional state; she'd drifted to sleep after some hours and he set about cooking dinner, she couldn't be woken, however; normally a light sleeper but even after a few shakes of her shoulder, she was just as unresponsive.

His guilt only increasing, Kakashi had left to meet with Yamanaka Midori, from whom he took a delivery of flowers each year when it came to replanting his garden; he used a henge and supressed his chakra, they'd long ago made an arrangement for the transaction of such large order and for bedding plants, which the shop usually didn't stock, once a year.

She gave him a good deal and they'd agreed to have them delivered to the usual place, at the edges of one of the old training fields, not too far from the major southern path out of Konoha.

Kakashi had been there in his henge to take the delivery and check it early that morning and was just on his way back to the apartment to collect Sakura (he hoped she'd be there and just about finished with the shower).

He opened the apartment door and slipped his sandals off before pouring himself a cup of tea and taking a seat at her rickety kitchen table; the rice cooker was humming away and he hoped Sakura would be in an agreeable mood this morning.

The shower was shut off and a few minutes later, she reappeared pulling her hair out of a loose bun as she was dressed in her typical shinobi gear, she paused as she set eyes on him but smoothly recovered before walking over to the rice cooker to switch it off.

"Sakura, I owe you an apology…no, thanks," He politely refused as she held up a small bowl, asking a silent question as to whether he wanted any rice, she dished herself out some and took a seat at the table, pouring out a cup of tea from the strongly brewed pot in the centre of the table,

"I was completely out of line yesterday…I wasn't thinking and I just wanted to get off my chest what was bothering me without thinking about your situation. If you really can't bring yourself to face Ino or Naruto, then it isn't my place to second guess you, gomen nasai," Kakashi bowed his head slightly towards her, she was eyeing him curiously as he raised it again,

"It's…alright, I know I can't avoid them forever but…I just don't want to deal with all of the stress they'll bring with them,"

"Hmm, I can understand that…and if you want me to clear off while you talk to them, you only need to say,"

"I know…thank you," He smiled lightly again, before taking a lightning fast sip of tea,

"I was hoping you could help me again today…it's about time for the beds to be replanted, I've got a hold of all the flowers and I wouldn't mind an extra pair of hands."

She smiled herself, before nodding in agreement.

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Just a thing about the title, when Lee is told about his operation and he and Gai discuss it (just after the Chuunin exam arc) in Part I of Naruto, Gai says something along the lines of "…once we lose our nindo, we're such fools that we can't live on," As a comfort to Lee, hence this chapter title is sort of along those lines, but not as good lol *^.^*