My Life Is Perfect

This chapter takes place after the events of Season 16's finale.

Olivia walks into the squad room and announces that Amaro will be leaving them and to wish him well in California. She comes up to him, shakes his hand, and pats him on the back. Then they both turn to smile at everyone.

Carisi's attention is immediately drawn to Amanda. She's sitting at her desk, both palms pressed flat against it, pushing her shoulders back. Her are eyes down, darting back and forth. She is turning as white as a sheet.

Oh my God. His stomach flip-flops. Nick hadn't told her. In that moment, he suddenly understands the term "white hot rage."

She stays in that position even as Nick hobbles around, still on crutches, to shake hands with everyone and say goodbye. When he comes up to Carisi, he shrugs him off and instead points at Amanda silently. He stands there, arms crossed, glaring at Nick until he has the decency to approach her.

"Uh, Amanda . . . " Nick says, kinda leaning down over her as much as he can, trying to make eye contact.

She doesn't say anything so he continues, "Look, I can understand if you're a little pissed right now . . . "

Carisi rolls his eyes just watching this – Nick is unbelievable. Amanda must be feeling so humiliated right now. They should be having this conversation in private. Heck, they should have had this conversation in private long before Benson's announcement.

She slams both hands on her desk. Hard.

Then she stands up, glares at Nick fiercely and shakes her head in disgust. She walks out.

Nick is able to catch up to her by the elevators. Carisi can't hear what Nick says to her, but everyone in the squad room can hear her answer loud and clear. She is practically shouting.

"I can't believe you're leaving me for your wife and kids in California."

Carisi looks down over his still folded arms. He feels really bad for Amanda, especially when he hears her putting it that way. He realizes just how hopeless Nick and Amanda's relationship must have been from the start. Had she?

He sighs deeply. Her life is far from perfect. It never was.

As Nick and Amanda continue to stand in front of the elevators arguing loudly, Carisi finds that he just can't bear to listen anymore. Even though it is their choice to have it out in public he still feels like he is intruding on something he shouldn't. He wants to leave but would have to pass them on his way out of the building – he would have to go to the elevator banks where they are currently melting down. This could be all shades of awkward. He paces indecisively.

Fin sees him move forward, hesitate, move forward, turn back. He looks very uncomfortable. "Carisi."

"Yeah?" Carisi turns back to look at him.

"They'll be fine."

"They will?" Carisi asks incredulously waving his hand towards the elevator banks. "How can they be fine? With him leaving and all?"

Fin leans back a little, studying him. Why is Carisi of all people taking this so personally? He's like an agitated child, worried that his parents are going to split up when they fight.

Fin tips forward in his chair. "Look man, they're adults. They'll work it out. They always do."

"If you say so," Carisi says doubtfully.

They had eventually taken their fight elsewhere and Amaro nods to Carisi when he returns to the squad room. Amanda's not with him, so Carisi asks, "Where's Rollins?"

"Uh, she went home for the day," Nick says and fiddles with some stuff on his desk.

"She did?"

"Yeah, needed to take a little personal time. To process some stuff."

He sounds smug. Carisi wants to punch him. But instead he grabs his jacket and briskly heads towards the elevators.

"Hey, where you going?" Nick calls after him.

"To process some stuff," Carisi mutters as he presses the elevator button to go down.

"Amanda! Amanda open up!" Carisi is banging on her door. He knows she's in there. She had shushed Frannie after his first knock.

"Carisi, go away!" he finally hears her shout from the other side.

"I wanna make sure you're okay," he calls back at her through the door.

He can hear Frannie's claws skitter against the floor and then there's a little noise indicating motion on the other side of door. She's opening it.

"And what makes you think I'm not okay?" she says, pulling the door wide, and giving him a forced yet somehow ironic smile and a shrug.

"Come on," he says, tilting his head.

"Oh, so you think just because my lover for oh, I don't know more than a year now is leaving me to be with his wife and kids – yet not actually be with his wife," she chokes on that one and nods, "if you know what I mean – that I might not be okay? Is that it?"

"Nick said you were taking personal time . . . To process things."

Her eyes narrow fiercely. He's not sure he should have said that.

"Did Nick send you to check in on me? Or are you here to rescue the damsel in distress yourself?"

"You're no damsel."

"You've got that right!" she points an angry finger at him.

"Look," Carisi takes a step forward. "I think what he did to you today was really shitty Rollins."

Her face gives a little twitch.

"I just wanted to tell you that, is all," he says quietly.

They stare at each other for a while before she sighs and says, "Come on in."

Somehow she finds herself talking to this man, her goofy co-worker, about things she never really shares with anybody. Thoughts she's kept to herself. He's deceptively easy to talk to.

" . . . so yeah, him, Declan, Nick. None of them ever stick around." She shrugs like it's no big deal but doesn't look up to meet his eyes for a while.

"Guess it's all cause of my daddy, huh?" she says when she finally does.

"How so?"

"My own father didn't even want me." She shakes her head. "He couldn't even stand to stay around for the good times – left for the track every chance he got. An escape he said . . . Was I really that bad?"

He quietly takes her hand.

Her chin quivers, but she presses her lips together to stop it.

He looks down in case she cries, in case she doesn't want him to see.

"One day he just didn't come back."

He continues to hold her hand in silence for a while before breaking it to say, "Amanda?"

"Yeah?" Her voice is steadier than he thought it would be. She is even stronger than she seems.

He looks up to meet her sorrowful yet clear aqua eyes.

"Someday somebody won't leave you."