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25

I sit beside Leonardo on the ledge of a high rise. Cars honk and race through the crowded streets of Manhattan below us. The moon shines down on me and my brother, lighting up the rooftop as much as it can.

As I look down at the busy roads, it occurs to me that I could jump right now, end my life once and for all.

I could, but I won't.

Leonardo had put his faith in me, he believes that I can get better. That must have some value to me, right? Of course, so I need to try to stay strong, for him. So that he's happy.

I'm absolutely positive that when I'm clean-no more drugs or alcohol or self harm-then Leonardo will have the brightest smile on his face. And it'll be worth it, to see my brother be happy.

Yet, I scout forward a bit, just a bit, closer to falling off. I'm not trying to milk myself, I'm just not being as cautious as I should.

"Are you nervous? To give all of this up?" Leonardo turns his head, looking at me in wonder.

Fascinating, I must be through his eyes. He probably sees me as a wild animal, being locked up and brought to a zoo. I'm the viscous tiger that bit it's captivators, the one who chewed through the iron bars when no one was watching. Astonishing, aren't I? About to be thrown back into prison cell for safe keeping, this time for good.

"If by nervous you mean scared; then yes. Hell yes."

Leonardo reaches over and squeezes my hand. Reassurance rains down on me like a storm, calming my demons, lifting my angels. "If it makes you feel any better, I'll be by your side through all of this, you won't be alone. Not once." One firm squeeze and he releases me, throwing me back down into the caverns of my mind.

"I guess." I mutter.

Uncertainty is a river, rushing through my veins. Anxious fish swim, battling waves and rocks.

My hands tremble as they would when something bad is about to happen, something unsettling.

"Do you believe in fate?" An interesting question, something I'd never thought of.

Before you can believe in something, though, you must understand it. So, what is fate?

Fate is a choice made not by you, but instead by a supernatural force. You have no choice but to follow it. Or so some believe.

Those who believe in fate tell themselves that everything is all part of a big plan, that we don't really make our own life choices, someone else does. That nothing is up to us, but instead just part of one big storyline.

Although, not everyone believes that. Other people think that you mold your own life, that you're the cause of your mistakes, whether they be bad or good. If you turn into a sinner, then the blame can be pinned on no other than you.

So where do I fall? A believer or an agnostic?

"I'm not sure. I guess I could if I tried, but no, not really."

What an awkward way to answer.

"What about God? And lucifer?"

What's with all of these questions?

"Yes, and no. During the day, I live for God. I believe in him and the heavens, along with Satan and hell. But at night, when everyone is asleep, I'm curled in a ball in the corner of my bedroom, with the lights off. Alone, cold, and scared. That's when I realize, the misery of life, just how horrible it truly is. And it's in the moments before drifting off into sleep, that I realize that God is not real, neither is the devil. I'd like to believe in them, I really would. But it's a lie. What is my reasoning behind that? Well, we were raised under the belief that God leads our lives, that he is the one who blossoms the flowers in the pits of our souls. He's the good in this world. So, if that is true, then why am I so fucked up? Why do I self harm? Why do I always feel like I'm worthless and unwanted?" Inhale, exhale, breath the demons in and then realize them back into the atmosphere. "Basically what I'm trying to say, is that I do believe in God. But by the end of the night, he's nothing but a figment of my imagination."

Leonardo's jaw hangs open, and slowly lifts into a smile. "You really know how to touch someone's heart when you speak, ya know that?"

I snort. "Tch, apparently I also know how to tickle demons and breathe fire."

"What are your demons like, Raphael? Why do they make you attack us?"

He knows. He knows that it's not me who tried to kill him, not me who strangled him against that tree, but instead the demons.

I close my eyes as I open my mouth to speak.

"They're like snakes, sending venom coursing through my veins, poisoning my mind. My heart aches for an antidote, but I can't speak. My lips are blue as I gasp for air, running, racing, trying to find someone to help me. People pass me, all breathing. They fill their lungs with air, while mine fill with words of self harm and hatred.

"As the snakes slither through my body, my chest rises and falls frantically. I'm now suffocating, barley breathing. My head spins as I grow dizzy, ready to faint, pass out. No one can see though. They mistake my rising chest for steady breaths, too clueless to notice that I'm really gasping. I take my last breath and the snakes have won, they are now in control. They use my body to kill the ones I love so they can dine on their flesh and bones. I watch it happen, like a movie. I'm chained, being held back as my loved ones die.

"With their blood on my hands, fault in me, I cry silently. The snakes have gotten what they wanted, they have left me. And I slowly regain control over myself, and have no choice but to take the blame. I cut myself as the snakes laugh in the background, because they brought me to this, this is their fault, not mine." I open my eyes again, to find Leonardo staring at me in awe.

I shouldn't be surprised at his response, I mean seriously, I just explained to him what depression is like.

"Why didn't you ever ask for help?"

I smile. He doesn't get it. "Because, Leonardo, they were crawling through me, blocking my cries for help. They get what they want, always, so when they want your body, they get it.

...

Dreaming along at a pace you'll understand

Go go go go go go

No no no no no

And you thought the lions were bad

Well they tried to kill my brothers

And for every king that died

Oh they would crown another

And it's harder than you think

Telling dreams from one another

And you thought the lions were bad

Well they tried to kill my brothers

And felled in the night

By the ones you think you love

They will come for you

And felled in the night

By the ones you think you love

They will come for you

...