SO very sorry it's taken me so long to update - I didn't plan it to be 3 weeks since my last update!

#1: I got back from Ireland on May 7th and it was a VERY VERY sad goodbye, I cried saying goodbye to my 26 best friends as they boarded their plane to JFK and I cried on the floor of the Dublin Airport for an hour and a half while I waited for my plane to Boston. If you're wondering if I cried as I boarded my own plane, the answer is YES. It's incredibly hard to leave a place that I fell in love with the second I stepped foot on Irish soil back in February. I'll never forget the experiences I had for the rest of my life, my body is physically in the US but my mind will always be in Ireland. I would move there tomorrow if someone asked me to, I'd literally drop everything and never look back - that's how much I loved it, hell, I still do! Feicfidh mé grá duit go deo na ndeor, Éire.

#2: Yes, I learned to speak Irish (Gaelic) while I was over there. That phrase above is: I'll love you forever and ever, Ireland. I also learned to speak Italian, French and Spanish so ya girl is very well cultured.

#3: I've been chilling ocean-side for about a week now, I still have 2 weeks left here at the beach and I'm loving life. It's the perfect getaway, life seriously doesn't get much better than this peeps. I've gone fishing everyday but have yet to catch anything, the fish won't win this time! I walk the beach at least twice a day looking for sea glass and I get a shade darker everyday when I lay out in the sun - life is PRETTY DAMN GOOD.

#4: This chapter may or may not make you cry, sorry about that?

#5: Question: Would you like to see more of how each Detective is struggling with Liv? Or do you just want me to focus on Amanda since she was mainly the one involved while Liv was missing and while she was in the hospital? HOLLA UR GIRL PLZ.

#6: As always, you can follow me on Twitter (I'm very interesting I swear) - fearLIZness17 or you can DM me any time to talk, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to get to know all of you please and thank you. :)

The 16th precinct had been quiet for a number of hours, not one victim had come in since the previous day and everyone was getting restless. Each Detective could only sit at their desks doing paperwork for so long before they either got distracted or began to joke around with one another. Fin was the first one to falter from the latest case he was wrapping up. "Hey Nick, I got a joke for you."

"Yeah? What's that?" Nick laughed from across the squad room as he looked up from the case he was working on.

"What does a nosey pepper do?"

Nick shook his head, "I don't know man, what?"

"Get Jalapeno business." Fin laughed as the butt of the joke rolled off of his tongue. "Your turn, big guy."

"Alright," Nick started out, "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?"

Fin shrugged his shoulders, "Jesus, I don't know."

"Sneakers!"

Cragen popped his head out of his office, looking at both Nick and Fin who were both busting out laughing at the corny jokes they were coming up with. "I got one for you wise guys." He paused as both of the Detective's attention turned, "How do you make Holy water?"

After a short burst of silence from both Nick and Fin, Cragen continued, "You boil the hell out of it!"

"If Munch was here, he'd have some sort of conspiracy about that one." Fin joked as he remembered how many times his ear was talked off about the latest story his partner had read about.

Nick looked over at Amanda who had been diligently working on her paper work all day, rarely stopping to take any kind of a reprieve. "Your turn, Rollins."

For the first time, she looked up from her desk. Her face had exhausted written all over it and she really wasn't in the mood to play along with the boys. Things weren't the same in the squad room without Olivia and no matter how much everyone tried to leave their baggage at the door, she couldn't seem to. The blonde Detective shook her head, "I'll sit this one out, next time?"

Fin and Nick both tried pushing her to join but each and every time, Amanda shook her head. She had been eye-ing the clock since they started joking around and it was just about the end of her shift. Grabbing her jacket from the back of her chair, she responded again, "Guys, not tonight, sorry."

Both Nick and Fin as well as Cragen had watched her walk out of the squad room in a hurry, none of them knew what was going on nor why Amanda was acting the opposite of herself. The majority of the time, she would have been right in the middle of the action, competing with everyone in the squad room to tell the best joke but tonight, she couldn't get out of the squad room fast enough.

"What's her deal today?" Nick asked as he looked towards Fin.

He shrugged his shoulders and turned to Cragen, "Beats me. You want one of us to go after her?"

"Leave her be, she has a lot on her plate as of late." Cragen said as he vouched for the blonde Detective. "Go home, the both of you. Maybe tomorrow you won't be taking up all the air in this squad room."

Amanda had rushed out of the squad room faster than normal, she couldn't sit at her desk and pretend that everything was okay. She knew the guys were just trying to make light of a very dark situation with Olivia but she couldn't stop thinking about the real issues at hand.

She had gotten into her car and from the second the sound of the engine could be heard, memories of moments with one of her closest friends had flooded her mind. Amanda was a sociable girl, she had that Southern charm that people tended to gravitate towards. She had never had any issues with making friends but after she left Atlanta a few years ago, things were never quite the same. Her mother took to drinking more than usual, occasionally adding pills into the mix and her sister Kim was still messing around with a guy who wasn't treating her as well as he should. Her friends from grade school were all married and having kids, they just didn't have time to keep up with the distance between Georgia and New York. Her colleagues back in Atlanta had turned their backs on her once Patton had gotten word that there was a transfer occurring – she was always thought to be a goodie two shoes, the transfer only made it worse. The only person who was semi-welcoming to her on the first day at SVU was Olivia but even then, it wasn't the type of welcome she was expecting.

Stepping into the squad room for the first time was almost culture shock for her. There were phones ringing off the hook, uni's scurrying about like chickens with their heads cut off, a handful of victims were already talking to a few of the Detectives and here she was, fresh out of Georgia in a city she knew nothing about.

Atlanta was rarely ever as busy as SVU currently was, Amanda could count the number of times it had been on one hand. Georgia did things a little differently than New York and it was apparent from the second she stepped off the elevator, almost walking right into Cragen.

"You must be the transfer from Atlanta?"

She nodded as she held out her hand, "Rollins, Amanda. Nice to meet you."

"You picked a hell of a first day." He laughed as he continued, "Your desk is over there. Find Benson once you're finished, she's looking for you."

Olivia Benson was a household name in the Atlanta squad room, especially with Amanda. Occasionally there would be a news article in the local paper about a major case that had been solved, Olivia's name and picture on the front page. Olivia had a storied career at SVU and it was far from over, if Amanda could be half the cop that Olivia was, she would be satisfied. She'd be lying if she wasn't a little bit starstruck when she walked up to Olivia just moments after putting her things down at her new desk.

Olivia was mid-conversation with a Uni who had screwed up a piece of paperwork that almost cost SVU a verdict on a recent case. Once the Uni scurried away, that's when Olivia turned towards the blonde Detective, "You must be the transfer, Dallas right?"

"Atlanta." Amanda corrected her although she felt incredibly stupid for doing so, "I'm Amanda, Amanda Rollins."

Olivia took a good look at the newbie standing in front of her, "You're late, don't let it happen again."

Sitting in traffic, memory after memory came to mind. It was hard enough to know that Olivia was fighting the hardest battle of her life, let alone remember every second of contact you've had with her over the years.

The crime scene was a mess, sirens and lights were flashing as ambulances and cop cars lined the street. Uni's were rushing in and out of the building, SWAT was waiting for orders nearby and the hostage team was trying to make contact to the young man on the fourth floor who was about to do something he would regret.

Cragen was in the midst of an argument with the head of the hostage negotiation team, "She's going up there whether you like it or not, this is our case. The only reason why you were called here was to keep up appearances."

Looking at the entrance of the building, Amanda saw Olivia rushing past two members of the SWAT team, her brown hair flowing behind her as she was buckling up her vest. At the top of the stairs on the fourth floor, Olivia had just entered the room, completely unarmed. Mumbling could be heard through the closed door but nothing could be fully deciphered to get a full picture on what was going on. It was hard enough being harassed by SWAT, let alone knowing your colleague was in such a dangerous position.

Liam had been holding a gun to his younger sister's head, his older sister watching horrified from the couch. He had asked for Olivia some time ago, he felt that she genuinely cared for what he was feeling. "Liam, think about what you're doing here. This doesn't have to happen. Give me the gun."

"How do you know that I don't have the guts to do this?"

Olivia sighed, her hands shot up once Liam pointed the gun at her, "I know that you're scared and don't understand the gravity of what you're doing. Let them go, Liam." She motioned towards both of his sisters who were huddled together by the door. "Take me, and let them go."

He reluctantly nodded after a few moments of thought, "Go."

Amanda had been standing with Nick in the hallway, she caught a glimpse of the fear that was written all over Olivia's face once the door had been opened. It was rare to see her caught up in her emotions, Olivia let herself get too attached and she was paying for it.

"Take off your vest, Olivia." Liam instructed as he took three steps closer to Olivia, his gun still pointed at her.

She complied, not wanting to go against his wishes. It was all part of the tactic, to let Liam be in control before she ultimately came out on top. "You win, you got me. It's over."

"You're giving up on me that easily?"

Outside the door, SWAT was waiting for their cue while Amanda was pacing back and forth. "You have to go in there, he's going to shoot."

One Uni responded rather sarcastically, "It doesn't work like that, you of all people should know, Detective."

"Liam, give me the gun. You can walk away from this, right here, right now." She paused as she held out her hand, "I will make sure nothing happens to you, I promise."

Five minutes of sheer silence was an eternity to all involved until three gunshots pierced the air.

Pushing her way past SWAT and all the Uni's, Amanda ran into the room. She immediately regretted doing so once she saw Olivia laying in a pool of her own blood, two shots to her chest. Knowing she broke all sorts of protocol didn't phase her, Olivia had done the same for her when Amanda was shot just a few short months ago – it was the least she could do.

"She's got two GSW's to the chest, it's a sucking chest wound!" Amanda yelled as the paramedics entered the room. "She's losing a lot of blood, fast!"

Olivia had turned her head to the side, she was barely conscious but still somehow holding on with whatever ounce of strength she had left. "Te-tell Kat."

"Tell Kat what?" Amanda questioned as she tried to keep Olivia talking, "Liv, you're going to be okay."

The brunette Detective coughed heavily as it became increasingly hard to breathe, "I-I'm s-so-sorry."

Sobriety was a funny thing, every cop had some sort of an issue with the one thing that could make them forget the cases they've received or the days they've endured. Each Detective dealt with their demons in a different way, however, Lewis brought out the worst in each of them. Amanda was a tough cookie who never crumbled under pressure but after seeing Liv struggle in and out of the hospital, she was close to her breaking point. She was a frequent flyer in the casino on Rockaway Boulevard, Blackjack was her game. It was one that immediately sucked her in and it was incredibly difficult to back out of once she got on a streak. Losing, however, was an entirely different story - that's when she turned to alcohol. Amanda was walking down the street when outside of her apartment she found herself thinking about the very thing she promised both Cragen and Liv that she would never do again.

She stood before Cragen after a particularly long day at the precinct and the only thing on her mind was when she was able to leave. Cragen's voice cut through the silence as he spoke, "Amanda, you may think that you're hiding something from me but I know."

Confused, Amanda asked, "What are you talking about, Cap?"

"It takes an addict to know an addict when he sees one, Rollins."

She had been fidgeting with her hands while Cragen's gaze was zeroing in on her, "Really, whatever rumor you heard about me, it's wrong."

Cragen took a step closer towards Amanda, placing a hand on her shoulder, "Your secret is safe with me, I promise." He paused as her blue eyes met his, "Let me just say this before you go. I have high expectations for you both here in this squad room and outside the walls of this precinct. The work we do here takes a toll on everyone in a different way, you'll learn in time or maybe you already have but that doesn't give you the excuse for you to wander off the path. I trust your judgment, you're a hell of a detective and you've fit right in here."

The blonde Detective was fighting back tears as she was trying incredibly hard not to full-blown sob in front of her Captain who she really admired. "I understand, Cap."

She was just about to walk out of the door of Cragen's office before he stopped her, "I was an alcoholic for years, I screwed up just about everything there was to screw up. I burned a lot of bridges along the way and I regret that. I didn't have anyone looking out for me and it took me a long time before I finally found myself again. What I'm saying is that, I get it. I know how it feels to want something so bad that you don't know how to function without it. I know all the best meetings, we can get you to one, if you're willing of course. Anyways, don't let yourself get away from who you are, before long, you'll be wandering down a road and believe me, it's a lonely one."

It was nearing 9pm and she had been walking for close to an hour while simultaneously fighting back the dam of tears that threatened to break at any second. She didn't even know where she was walking to, she had no destination in mind, she just had to get out. Her world felt like it was closing in on her with every step she took and she was starting to question whether or not she would be able to find her way back home. She couldn't turn her mind off, images and memories were flooding into her head and the more she tried to fight them, the more she kept fighting back the tears. It was a quiet night on the streets and she had barely passed anyone save for the occasional homeless person who had already gone to sleep in their makeshift homes. Amanda found herself in front of a bar that she used to frequent with Fin when she first started out at SVU, it reminded her of the simpler times before Lewis shot everything to hell.

There was barely anyone drinking, it was after all, a Thursday night. She knew the bartender but she really wasn't in the mood for any conversation. As much as she hated her thoughts taking over, she couldn't help but want to be alone, lost in her world for a little while longer. Amanda found herself on the end seat of the bar, hidden by one of the support beams in the middle of the floor. She didn't even have to order a drink because the bartender had given her a free pass, he just summed it up as "you need it a hell of a lot more than anyone else in this place tonight." It was true and as much as she hated herself for succumbing to her vices, she just wanted to escape the reality she was living. One drink became two and two became three before she was now staring at a bewildered looking Fin. "What are you doing here?"

Fin sighed, "I thought I might find you here. I did after all introduce you to this place on one of our first runs."

"You don't need to babysit me, I'm fine." Amanda huffed as she took another swig of her drink.

"Like hell you are, you want to tell me about that stunt you pulled earlier in the squad room with me and Nick?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"That's bull and you know it, Rollins." Fin sarcastically said to his partner, "What's up with you lately, you haven't been yourself. You know it and I know it, so spill."

Amanda hesitated as she took a good look at her partner, "What are you, my therapist now?"

"Come on, 'Manda, I'm being serious. As your partner and as your friend, I wouldn't be here if I didn't care about you and how you're doing."

"Fin," She glared at him, "I'm fine, stop worrying about me. I'm a big girl, I can handle it."

There was a long pause as Amanda took another few sips of her drink while simultaneously trying to avoid eye contact with her partner and Fin who was trying to find the right words to say without causing anymore trauma. "This is about Liv, isn't it?"

The tears in her eyes that she had been fighting for hours were at the gates that threatened to burst at any second. Taking another sip of her drink and attempting to compose herself, Fin spoke again, "It's written all over your face, you blame yourself."

Amanda held up her hand to stop Fin from speaking, "I can't do this right now, please." Her voice had a hint of a pleading tone in it, she really was just trying to make sure she didn't break into a million pieces.

"'Manda, it's going to eat you alive if you don't let it out. Hell, it may even kill you." Fin said as he tried to reason with his partner who was obviously struggling immensely.

"You didn't see, the look she gave me." Amanda paused, "You didn't see the way she cried during her rape exam and held on to my hand so hard that I thought it was going to fall off. You didn't see the way that Kat clung to me every night because she didn't know when her mother was coming back and the way she cried in the cribs when she thought her mother was dead. You didn't see how Liv's face twisted in pain when I had to help her into the shower in the hospital or even how she cried in agony when I had to move her even the slightest bit. You didn't see her when she cried herself to sleep after thinking that Lewis was in the room with her or the face she made when I told her that her rape kit was already being processed by CSU. You didn't see the way she clung to me the first night at the hospital and cried the entire night because she was trying to process what happened to her." Amanda paused as the tears had long since taken over, "You don't, get to tell me that it's not my fault. I brought him into that precinct and look where we are now. He almost killed her, he tortured her and God knows what else. What kind of person am I to let that happen?"

Fin took her hands in his own as he tried to calm her down. A few people on the other side of the bar were staring but they both didn't pay them any attention. "You are the last person to blame. Hell, you aren't even on that list, you're far from it. You're crazy to think that she blames you for everything that happened."

"Am I?" Amanda asked, "Because it sure feels a hell of a lot different than that."

"I'm telling you that you are the last person that Liv blames. She's been through a lot but somehow, she always comes out on top. She's had it pretty rough, more-so than anyone I know and even though she isn't herself right now, she would kick your ass if she found out about this conversation. She's tough and has built a lot of walls over the years but being vulnerable isn't her strong suit, asking for help takes a lot of effort for her. She's had a lot of awful things happen to her over the years especially with her mom, Elliot leaving, Sealview and now this, the list goes on and on. I've known Liv for a long time and I've never known her to blame anyone, even after everything she's gone through."

Amanda sighed, "I can't help but think that every time I come around, I bring Lewis with me. Her eyes go wide as saucers whenever I dropped by when she was in the hospital. Her tears never seemed to stop when I was with her. I cause her to relive the worst experience of her life and I don't know if I can do it anymore, Fin. I really don't know how much longer I can do it."

Fin squeezed her hand ever so slightly as she finished the last of her drink, "I think that's a conversation that you need to have with her."

As always, reviews make me smile and make my day a billion times better. You all have been so amazing and lovely with every chapter, crazy to think that I hit the 25 chapter mark. Believe me, this story is far from over and that's thanks to you! :)