Warnings: this story will contain violence. If that triggers you please refrain from reading or at least heed the warnings I give. Things won't be very graphic mostly, but there will be possible moments where it's detailed. Just keep that in mind and take the warnings seriously.
Criminal Minds does not belong to me. I own nothing but my own words and creations. Unfortunately, that doesn't include the show. It sucks, but it is what it is…
Chapter 25: Group Therapy Continued
Sitting in her room alone with the door locked, Emily sprawled out on the bed with the file. It included background information on both Lyle and Jason. Emily assumed that was more for her than the file. She'd thank Garcia later. It was her or Hotch, likely a group effort, so she'd thank them both.
For now, she just wanted to dive in. So, she flipped the pages, organizing them in piles. Lyle there, Jason here, and her somewhere in between. There were pictures. Some, she imagined, were from the videos they were sent. Assuming Hotch didn't lie and no one watched them, that was the only place they could have gotten those stills. Her face looked bloody and bruised. She was hardly recognizable, but it was definitely her.
Everything was so chronological. So distant. She was seeing their timeline, things as they unfolded for the team. That was much different than it was for her. She read over her statement. So much was left out of it, some she didn't even realize she missed, some she intentionally kept to herself.
Their photos were deceiving. Both looked so… Normal. But she knew they weren't. They were anything but. Jason was a soldier. He fought for his country and he came back a criminal. He came back to a man who prayed on his weaknesses and manipulated the psychosis that was already there.
Lyle was… He was a part of her life for so long, even if she didn't remember it all. Looking at his background… All the crimes they connected to him that he committed in her name… He kidnapped little girls, tiny little brunettes that reminded him of her. He… How many lives were impacted by his obsession with her?
Jason… Jason she understood, to a point. He was vulnerable, looking for direction and Lyle was there. He fed him the right lines and took Jason under his wing to further develop his homicidal proclivities. Eventually, he couldn't remain submissive. The student wanted to become the master and he took Lyle out to have Emily, their prize and Lyle's attention suck, to himself. He was jealous and angry that Emily came between them and that was their undoing. That was when the monster Lyle created really came out. He was given free reign then, and he liked to use it.
She thought knowing their histories and meshing it with hers would make things clearer. It didn't. If anything, it made her more confused. She still didn't understand why Lyle was stuck on her. There had to be someone in his life before her that she reminded him of. Because, really, she was a child when they met and he wasn't too much older. What could she possibly have done?
Emily looked deeper into the file. The pictures of her wounds were sickening, but she didn't need printed images to remember them. She could look at her skin and see the damage done, even long after it healed. She could look and see it happening again. The file only told one story. It only spoke to the crime and the profile. But it never looked at the bigger picture. It couldn't speak to who else was affected and how. The ripples just couldn't be shown in two dimensions.
It couldn't answer all her questions, but nothing ever would. The only ones who could give the answers she really wanted were dead. Knowing, she realized, wouldn't make her forget or allow her to forgive them. But, she also concluded, it wasn't about forgiving them. She had to forgive herself.
Could she do that?
She thought, maybe. Emily was working her way there.
After spending hours getting through the file, Emily fell asleep on it. She woke up the next morning with her face stuck to the papers, a glossy image glued to her cheek when she tried to move. A knock on the door startled her as she wiped the drool from the picture.
"Emily, are you awake? It's time to get you to PT."
"Be right there," she bellowed.
Getting up from the bed, she looked at the mess of papers she left behind. She knew once she closed it, she wanted to put it to rest forever. So, since she wasn't quite at that point, she left it as it was. A mess, like her. They did that to her, but she didn't want to give them that power anymore. They were gone. They only way they stayed was if she allowed them. And she couldn't do that.
She needed to focus on her recovery.
Physical therapy went well. She was getting stronger every day and the doctors were set to clear her for more intense training within the next two months or so. That, too, was left for after the holidays, mostly because she had a lot of time off from appointments at that time.
The holidays were approaching though, and soon, she'd be fit and ready to go.
About a week before Christmas, Soros took Emily to Quantico. The tapes had to remain there, but they had access. Hotch let them in and set up a room for them where they'd have some privacy. Just the two of them in there, Soros placed the first DVD that they burned into the player.
"Are you ready?"
As I'll ever be. "Yes."
"Ok. I'm going to hit play, and if you need me to stop it or it becomes too much, just let me know. I'm right here with you."
Emily nodded. A lot of the first few minutes were of them. And that was bad enough. They would start the mornings preparing the rooms and making sure everything was still in working order. At least Emily learned what that noise was. Her day counting tool, the loud noise that woke her from time to time, was them dragging in a crate full of ice and material. They liked to use their ice on her.
"No, stop. Stop the tape," Emily yelled out not far into it.
Soros quickly hit the stop button on the remote. "Are you ok, Emily?"
"I… I don't know… I just… I think I realized something."
"What? What did you realize?"
"I keep telling myself that I don't know which memories are real or not, but I think that's just my way of coping. I know what's real, but believing that they could be my imagination… That lets me feel like maybe it didn't happen. But they did. I know they did. Maybe they were from different points in my life, and they're all coming out now, at the same time. But they're all real. And I don't want to relive them with these tapes."
"So you don't want to watch them?"
"No. I know what's real. I know what I went through. I still relive it. I don't need to watch it all over again."
"Ok, Emily." Dr. Soros was happy with that choice. Soros felt watching them may have set her back, but if it was what her patient really wanted, she would have gotten them through it. She thought Emily made the right choice, though, and really saw her mental clarity returning.
With that realization, Emily felt like it was time to really put all of the ordeal behind her. And it was time to start making some real changes. For a while, Emily was afraid to spend any real alone time with the kids. Since her first in the moment reenactment of her panicked flashback in the kitchen with Will, she was terrified that would happen again. And it did in ways, but, more so, she was terrified it would happen with the kids and she would hurt one of them. JJ and Hotch couldn't say they weren't afraid of the same thing. They trusted her as long as she was with other people, but it was hard to know how she'd be on her own with them. It didn't help that, often, Emily had trouble trusting herself.
But she had been good. Another incident like that hadn't occurred in some time. She was working through more each day and had already worked through many of her issues. Dr. Soros recommended getting out more, having fun, and doing something for herself. She wanted that too. She wanted her independence. Gaining that back, along with a trust in herself, was a slow moving process.
Physically, she was capable. While she wasn't quite FBI fit yet, her leg was better and well on its way to form. So, she was ready to venture out more. It started with walks. She was testing the waters, so to speak, learning her limits. She took Mudgie around the neighborhood, slowly going further each day. It was her first taste of freedom that didn't end with a hospital stay after a week of locking herself in a hotel room.
The taste had her hooked. She wanted more, and she'd work toward it. She would admit she didn't feel ready to go back to her place to live. Her apartment didn't feel like hers anymore. Even the few visits she made for her things made her cringe. That was where she was taken. It was where her security and safety were stolen. So, she was shopping around for a new place already, just like she talked about with Soros, and was content to stay with Rossi a little longer, assuming he'd have her.
Of course, he wouldn't turn her away. He liked having her under his roof. But she needed to find her footing again, she needed to get out, but she didn't want to be alone, not really. So, the next session, as everyone else left, Emily asked Hotch and JJ to hang back with her. She had a plan and she hoped they went for it.
Dr. Soros started for her, telling them that Emily has made great strides and it was time to test the trust between them. She made a point of saying what has improved and how hard Emily was working. She really wanted them to understand that Emily was safe to be around, especially for the kids. That would make it easier for them to fulfill Emily's request.
"Emily has something she'd like to ask," the doctor prompted and motioned for Emily to step in.
Emily was nervous. "I was thinking," Emily broached the subject wearily, wondering if they'd let her. "I had plans with both Jack and Henry before… Everything."
"You don't need to worry about that, Em. We explained that to the boys. They don't think you forgot about them."
"Great… That's great, but I want to… I want to know if you'd allow me to take them out."
"Alone?" JJ worried.
"Well… Yeah. It's no different than it was before…" she said, not quite sure she believed that herself. "I'm not a danger to them. I can physically handle myself and the boys. I won't hurt them."
"We know you won't…"
"We just…"
"You're worried," Emily noticed. They weren't really hiding it. "I get it… I do… But… I…" She was trying not to let her emotions show. She could feel the tension in their bodies. They didn't trust her. She could tell that, too, and it stung. All that work, and if they couldn't trust her with their kids, then they didn't really get anywhere. It was the ultimate test and she wasn't really passing right now. "I just want a chance. I miss them. I miss being the person they wanted to hang out with. I'm not asking to whisk them away for a weekend getaway."
"Then what are you asking?"
"I'm asking for your permission to take the boys out… To a museum or something. I'd like a few hours just to be with them and have a regular Emily and kids day. If it makes you feel better, you guys can come and hang back, just… I need this."
JJ and Hotch looked at each other, both communicating that it worried them. Emily hadn't been alone with them outside of a few minutes with them still in walking distance, and there was always that possibility that she could lose it and no one would be around. But they were also aware that she needed them to trust her as much as they wanted to be able to trust her. So, they communicated further and reached a shared decision. "Ok…"
"Ok?" Emily cheered up.
"Yes, ok. Here's the deal."
"Lay it on me."
"We'll drop you off," Hotch started.
"And pick you up."
"That's perfect." She wasn't supposed to drive quite yet anyway, so she would've asked Dave or one of them to play chauffer.
"I'll do the driving," Hotch offered. Only one of them needed to be there. "And then I'll disappear, but I'll stay in the area on the off chance you need me or something happens."
She felt a little dejected, but nodded. "Alright. I can live with that."
There weren't many ground rules. They did trust her, and, though they worried, setting up military regulations on something they'd once give her free reign over didn't exactly show that. So, they kept it simple. As long as she told them where they were going and promised to check in, they were fine with the little adventure. For that, Emily was grateful. Though she could feel their slight hesitancy, she chose to believe it was more about worrying about being able to physically handle it than lack of trust. She hoped anyway.
A few days later, Emily was free to take the kids out. The whole day was planned and cleared with everyone. Before going, Dr. Soros encouraged her not to worry so much. "You're perfectly capable, Emily. You've gone out with them before, and nothing happened."
"That doesn't mean nothing will."
"Have faith in yourself. I've learned a lot about you, Emily, and the one thing that's most clear to me is that you would sacrifice to help others, especially those you love. And I have no doubt you'd do just about anything to make sure those kids are happy and healthy and that no harm comes to them."
Emily nodded, "I would…"
"So, just try to have fun and relax. The day is as much for you as it is them."
That was exactly what she tried to do, make the day fun for all of them. Though, even as she walked through the museum, the boys practically glued to her hip as the wandered exhibits of the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History, she couldn't quite squelch the remainder of her worry. They were fine, they were safe, and no one was going to hurt them. That was what she had to keep telling herself.
"What do you guys think? One more thing and then lunch time?"
"Yes please."
"I'm hungry," Henry added.
"We're going to eat in a little while."
But first, Jack guided them to the last exhibit. Emily loved being with the kids. Everything about them made any thing seem new and refreshing. They looked around with such wonderment and awe that it warmed her heart. She hoped they never lost that. She also liked having two willing listeners to her history fun facts.
Every time she started a 'did you know' their big eyes lit up as they listened to her stories. The 'really, that's so cool' and 'tell more' always made her smile. They were her little information sponges, ready and willing to hear whatever she wanted to say.
To them, she was just Emily, and nothing about her would ever change unless she let it. She wasn't going to let it. Through everything, they were the solid ground, but there was no pressure on them. They were just being who they were: sweet, innocent, little boys that she could count on to bring a smile to her face and not see the darkness that followed her.
Feeling lighter, Emily excitedly passed the boys their gloves and hats from her bag as she finished her last story and they headed for the exit. She was ready for some food and so were they.
"What do you boys want to eat?" She looked around once they were outside. The area was familiar to her. She could point them in any direction and get them where they wanted to be.
"Burgers!" Jack suggested.
"Ice cream," Henry smiled. Of course. The cold winter air wouldn't deter a child from sugary goodness.
"Ok, burgers, and then ice cream," Emily told them. They could've both said nothing but junk food and she, likely, would've given it to them.
Gripping their hands, she walked them across the street and down the block. They settled on a nice little restaurant that looked family friendly and didn't seem like it'd be an ordeal. Once seated, Emily quickly put in the orders.
Meals served and chowing down, Emily thought about what they could do for the rest of the afternoon. A walk around the area maybe. Before she could come up with any solid ideas, her thoughts were interrupted.
"Emily…" Jack waited a moment to make sure he had her attention before asking, "Are you all better now?"
She smiled and pushed his hair away. He needed a trim, she noticed. "I'm getting there."
"You'll be able to play with me more now?"
"I sure hope so."
"And me!" Henry got up from his chair and hopped onto her lap, thankfully not hitting the still tender areas.
"With both of you. I'll always want to have my boy time."
"But you're a girl."
"I am, but you're boys. And, when I'm with you, I like to do things that you enjoy. It's your time."
"Cool."
She agreed it was. "Once we finish eating, I think we'll go walk around a little. You boys ok with that?" Both nodded exuberantly.
In the meantime, she took the moment to have them catch her up on the happenings of their lives. She wasn't as present as she hoped to have been, so she wanted to soak up the time. Henry made a new friend at the park. Jack was doing very well in school. She loved all the details. They mattered and they made her feel normal, like she was taking them out one weekend to learn all about the week. Even though she saw them often, she didn't really send as much quality time with them during her recovery. That was on her, but she was trying to make it up to them.
After eating, they walked around a bit, even picked up a few final Christmas gifts. At some point, they saw the ice skating rink and stopped her.
"Watch?" Henry asked and pointed to the people on the ice.
"You guys want to watch the people skate?"
"Can we?" Jack asked.
"Sure."
Emily threw her back pack over her shoulder and took their hands as they went to the edge of the rink. Jack was just tall enough to see over the guard rail, but she had to scoop Henry up into her arms to give him a clear view.
"Do you know how to skate, Emily?" Jack asked.
"I do. I learned when I was about Henry's age."
"Can you teach us?" He seemed so excited.
Emily had to contemplate. Her doctor gave her the go ahead to do more strenuous activity. She was cleared to do the occasional light jog, so even with her still healing muscle, she could handle it, right? It wasn't like she was going to be doing some crazy, professional routine. She just wanted to teach two little boys to keep on their feet.
"Umm… Do you want to learn, too, Henry?"
"Yeah!"
"Ok, if we can rent skates, I'd be happy to."
"Awesome."
The trio found the rental place and a spot to keep her things safe before getting them ready. "Give me shoes as payment, I give you skates," she joked.
She had them sit on a bench and booted them up as she told them the rules. They couldn't run off without her. They didn't know how to skate so no trying to jump while just finding their footing; those kinds of things.
"Emily," the young boy said, tugging he collar on her coat.
"What is it, Buddy?"
"I'm excited. I'm having fun," he whispered like it was some big secret.
"Me too, Henry." She playfully poked at his nose. "Me too. Now, all tied up, you boys ready to skate?"
Jack reached out and asked, "Will you hold my hand? I don't want to fall."
"Only if you don't let me fall either."
"I promise," Jack said with such conviction.
A smile on her face, Emily fixed his scarf and said, "Help me up, please."
With somewhat unsteady feet, finding their legs, they got on the ice. Emily never let go of their hands as she got reacquainted with the feeling. She moved backwards as she taught them balance, her eyes not leaving them so she could catch them if they fell.
They were naturals, though. There was only one tumble when they tried to go too fast and pulled Emily down with them, but they laughed it off and all was ok.
"Are you ok, Emily?"
"I'm ok," she promised, looking right into their worried eyes.
She got back up, a bit slowly, but in one piece, and showed them a thing or two about skating. The sun was starting to set and their outing, however, had to come to an end.
"But I don't want to go yet," they told her.
"I know, Bud. But dad's going to be here soon. And Henry, don't you want to see mommy?"
"No! Emily time," he insisted.
She had to promise a little more time at Rossi's cuddled on the couch and out of the cold. She knew she was going to feel it all in the morning. It would be a good kind of sore, though.
When they returned to Rossi's, Hotch joined them for a movie as they waited for JJ. The boys sat snuggled up on either side of Emily, a bowl of popcorn and drinks on the table. The movie was barely starting when all three of them looked like they were ready for bed. Hotch, noticing the chill in the air, grabbed a nearby blanket and draped them over the three sleepyheads. Emily caught his eye as he did.
"It was a good day," she said as the exhaustion took over and all three of them fell asleep, the long day finally getting to her.
"It was a very good day," he agreed, making sure the blanket covered them all. He'd let them rest a little while before moving them.
After her little outing with the boys and the holidays survived, Emily felt more independent, more self-reliant, and held a little more trust in herself. She even had a nice little day with her mom who flew in for Christmas.
"Oh, Emily," her mother gripped her tight. "You look so good."
"Thanks mom. It's good to see you in person and not just a computer screen."
"So good," she agreed.
The two went out for a nice dinner and spent a few days in the Prentiss house. It was the first time Emily stayed anywhere but Rossi's since she was released the second time. But they all came together for Christmas dinner. Gifts were exchanged, and smiles too, but the one thing everyone noticed was how much freer Emily seemed. She wasn't quite as jumpy, little things made her smile again. Though they knew what happened wouldn't disappear, it was so nice to see her like this.
It had been a while since they had such a worry free, fun time and an Emily that participated. They were able to see glimpses of the her they had before everything happened. They weren't naive enough to believe things were magically fixed, but it really was nice.
Now with all that over, she felt like it was time, or that they were getting there, for the team to know everything. She knew she was holding back from them and that was holding her back, too. She didn't want to feel uncomfortable with the team, and, as long as she was keeping secrets, she would.
Every time she thought about saying something, about bringing it up, though, she froze. It was like the words were there and she, almost, wanted to say them, but something stopped her. Maybe she just needed a little more time. She was still getting used to it. She was getting there… And then she'd tell them.
There were time, she was really convinced she was going to say something once they got to the open floor, but someone beat her to the punch and it took everything out of her, like when Reid asked her about the drugs and her memories.
"Do you remember everything yet?" Reid asked.
"I… I don't know. I think so. Most of it."
"Even when they drugged you?"
"Sometimes…" Emily didn't want to tell them. "Sometimes, after they drugged me and made me do whatever they wanted, if I didn't remember any of it, they'd make me watch it so I couldn't forget."
Hotch couldn't help but think that was part of the reason why she didn't want them to see the tapes or even know they existed. Yes, they were an invasion of privacy, a yearbook of all the bad that happened, but there was more to it. She just wanted to be able to tell them what she wanted them to know, not give them free reign to watch it all and know every detail, even some she might not.
"What did…" Reid was nervous. "What did they make you do?"
And that question made Emily more nervous. She fidgeted, her hand digging into her skin a little harder than intended. "There was… were so many different things."
"Will you talk about them?"
She sighed, "I can try." But she wasn't making any promises. "There was one time… I think once. I heard them talking. They… They did a lot of things… new things, with me that they didn't do with the other girls they took."
"You know about them?"
Not just from reading the file either. "You learn a lot when you're held against your will and your captors like to talk in front of you as a way of taunting." She laughed, not because it was funny, but because that was the only thing she could think to do. "But they were fighting. Lyle wanted to take me to the ice room."
"Ice room?"
"To the tub filled with ice," she explained, not going into any more detail. "But Jason wanted to try something new. I could hear them. They were outside my room. Arguing."
"We're not deviating," Lyle told his coconspirator. "What we do works."
"We can't just do the same things over and over. We've already tried new tools with her."
"Not new, advanced. Emily's special."
"So, this will make it better. You want to know about her and the drugs we gave her, she, somehow, seems to hold her wits with. This would make her… free. We'd be able to get inside her head."
"You just want her to get violent."
"Of course I do. But you like to watch. It's good for both of us."
"What do you have in mind?"
Jason, not willing to give up, pressed on. Lyle just sighed and listened.
She looked so far away, lost in the memory. All they could do was listen, willing and finally able to hear her memory.
"They decided to do it."
"Did you get it?" Lyle asked, stepping away from Emily and meeting him by the door.
"Got it."
Emily watched it all play out. Lyle took something from Jason's hand and took it to the other side of the room. Her view was obstructed, but he came back with a glass in his hand, pushing it on her lips.
"Open up," he demanded.
She shook her head, determined not to do anything he said, ever. But he pinched her nose and, eventually, she had to breathe. When her mouth opened, he slipped it right in. His hand clamped over her mouth as the alcohol burned. She knew it was laced and just waited for the effects.
When it finally kicked in, Emily felt odd. There were noises everywhere, colors that had sound. The room felt like it was turning.
"It's happening," she heard someone say. The voice felt so distant and yet, so close.
"Can she see us?"
"Of course she can, you imbecile. It doesn't make her blind."
"Emily." She turned to the voice, her body freed from the confines. There were colors everywhere, pretty colors singing to her, and the wall kept moving. Was she close? Was she far? Who was that talking to her?
"Look at her, she's squirming." Because it felt like there were bugs crawling on her skin and things whispering.
"We're going to get you," they were saying. "Don't go there. Danger."
Every corner she went to and every step she took, the vision told her to stop, that it was wrong, all wrong. She ended up on her knees crawling, dodging imaginary bullets whizzing above her. Emily was seeing every nightmare come to life. Doyle and Liam were talking about what they'd do to a traitor.
"Kill 'em."
"Can't make it that easy. They'd have to suffer first," the Irishman added.
"Ian…" she tried to interrupt, standing in front of "Ian" and holding onto him. "Let's… let's go out."
"Not happening." Rough hands grabbed her, pulling her back. Her sense of balance was already off, but she pushed and punched and fought however she could. Eventually, she got away, but not without a few blows.
She kept making her way to the one corner where things looked different and better. Everything else looked out of whack, but there looked safe.
It wasn't. Nowhere was. Wherever she ended up, and UnSub followed. It was one flight after another. Everything felt… different. Nothing was stationary. Her body, her arms especially, felt boneless. It felt like a magical world taken over by evil and she was barely surviving it.
She left out the parts about Doyle and her undercover assignments that came back to haunt her, but she told them a little of what she saw. The different UnSubs, the dead bodies… the dead her… "It was almost soothing," she whispered when saying the last part. If anyone heard, they didn't know how to respond and didn't.
Their reactions to the memory were scattered. They all told her they couldn't imagine such a "bad trip" and that they wished she didn't have to experience any of it. The whole hallucination was a mess of reality and imagination, the UnSubs of the past messing with her head. Lyle and Jason used that to their advantage, not just to learn more details about Emily, but to play with her. Her family was there to listen and help her through the memories.
The session died down after that and Emily felt ok. She knew she had a whole group of people behind her from her mother to her doctors, they were all there to make sure she felt supported and safe. Most days, she really did. And that was what led her to her next thought.
It was finally time. Emily wasn't going to let herself change her mind. She couldn't. Once it was out in the open, she hoped it would put their relationships as close to back on track as they could be and she could get rid of the feeling that she was constantly hiding from them.
The next time the group session came, Emily was ready. She was trying to be, anyway. They were all meeting at Rossi's, like usual. Emily purposefully took a longer than average walk with Mudgie, knowing they were gathering and wanting to keep a low profile. She needed them all there and situated before she walked in. It would make things easier.
She liked her walks with the dog. They cleared her head and helped her feel… alive. The cold air hitting her skin. It was freedom. It was fine being in Rossi's. There was a lot of open space and places to wander, but out and about in the neighborhood was what made her feel like she was no longer imprisoned.
Her plan was set. She was going to work her way into the topic and try to open up. Not telling them wasn't an option anymore. It felt like they all knew or wondered and it was making her paranoid, questioning every look. It made her feel so weighed down with secrets. There were enough of those and she didn't want to hold it in anymore; not if it was causing this pain in her chest every time she looked at them.
Knowing it was going to be a tough day, she and Mudgie set out on a long walk, her longest and furthest yet. She just needed that quiet time to collect her thoughts and plan how she was going to do this. Dr. Soros was supportive, but Emily didn't want to tell her when or if she was going to say something because the doctor would hold her to it. She didn't want to disappoint if she couldn't do it, and she needed that out.
They reached a pause in their walk. Emily bent down and rubbed the dog's back. "I can do this, can't I boy?" Mudgie barked at her, nuzzling he legs. "I know. I can… I can," she repeated to herself. He barked again. "Ok, let's get you back. I should do this before I back out again."
On the way back, Emily kept trying not to talk herself out of it. It had been months since she was abducted and since she first faced what happened. She was raped. That was the fact. Not telling them wouldn't make it untrue.
Arriving at the house, she could hear everyone already in the room, laughing and chatting. It felt so light and happy making her want to turn and run. She could do it a different day.
She was doing it again, trying to talk herself out of it because their possible reactions scared her. She imagined every which way they could respond. Emily didn't know which she was hoping for. Actually, she wanted it to just slide in like a forgotten afterthought in the middle of the conversation.
It would never be that easy, though.
They were still chatting, a mild mumbling noise in the room. That was how it usually was until Dr. Soros called them to order. But that time it would be Emily's soft-spoken, monotone voice that got them to shut up.
"I've got this," Emily said quietly to the dog.
She walked into the room, standing by her seat with Mudgie still by her side, and, as everyone noticed her arrival, she just blurted it out.
"I was raped." It was fast and, maybe not completely, painless, but it left them speechless. No one could react and that was what she wanted. She took their stillness as an invitation to skip ahead, and she tried to start in on the topic of the day. "Let's get started."
"Hold up! You can't just drop that bombshell and then move on."
"Emily…" They weren't going to just drop it. She had to expect that, but a part of her hoped they would.
She looked embarrassed and all Garcia and JJ wanted to do was hug her again, to show her, in some nonthreatening way, that this confession changed nothing. She was still their Emily, their incredibly strong, if not a little hard headed, Emily.
They started shooting questions at her and she couldn't follow. Telling them was too much. It was all too much and she was starting to feel like it was a mistake. She looked to Dave beside her, looking at her with comforting eyes. It was ok, he was saying. Nothing changed. She followed his eyes down to their hands. He reached out, waiting for her to notice and acknowledge it. She just stayed still, but he pressed on knowing it wouldn't take her by surprise. He gripped her hand tightly until the room felt far away.
"I can do this," she reminded herself. Mudgie was staying close by, sensing her need for comfort. She was thankful for that. Her other hand needed something to do and his soft fur would do the trick.
They sat in silence, allowing her to collect herself before she spoke again. It was like they needed to brace themselves for whatever she said because, no matter what they considered a possibility, the truth made it real. And, sometimes, often, fact hurt more than fiction.
"I'm going to say what I need to say, you'll get your chance, and then we're going to move on. Ok? That works for you?" She took the collective silence as acceptance. "I'm sure you've all thought about it as a possibility… While I was with… them, I was assaulted…" She didn't know what to do with herself. Did she look at them? Look away? She settled on looking at Mudgie, his head resting on her knees as he parked beside her, urging her to scratch. And she did. Her hand remained working the sweet spot behind his ears. "For a while… I denied it happened. I don't know if I truly couldn't remember or I just blocked it out," she started.
It looked like someone was going to ask something, but Dr. Soros quickly motioned for them to let Emily talk. She needed to go on uninterrupted.
"My memories were fuzzy at first. But a part of me knew I needed to remember. I could never really move forward if I didn't. The other part of me wishes I never did. Now… Sometimes I can feel it. I feel their touches. I can see them on my skin like the memories are tattooed there. I'm doing ok… I think. I've been dealing with it. And I'm sorry I hadn't told you about this, but I had to do this on my own before I could really tell you."
They remained a captive and very supportive audience as she spoke. She didn't give details. She didn't want to and, honestly, they didn't want them. The team did ask if she got checked out by a doctor, though.
"JJ took me. Everything… Everything looks ok."
Everybody looked to JJ for confirmation. "The doctor told her the tests came back clear."
By the end of the session she was so mentally exhausted. Her body ached and she felt run down. Despite it only being talking, it took a lot out of her. She had to reach into places she would have preferred to keep locked up and find the courage to share. Safe place or not, it was hard. She felt ok, she guessed. As ok as she could.
Emily hung back afterward, thinking everyone would just leave. And some of them did, knowing she'd want her space, each, in their own way, telling her one more time that everything would be ok as they left. Garcia couldn't help but sneak in another hug. JJ and Reid gave Emily a comforting touch, and Rossi did the fatherly thing. No words exchanged, he met her eyes, put his hands on her shoulders, and moved to kiss her forehead like he would a child. It all actually helped her.
Hotch and Morgan stayed with her, though. Hotch approached, almost tentatively, and just looked her in the eye.
"I'm going to hug you. Alright?" Hotch asked, not wanting to overstep her line. The last thing he wanted to do was make her feel threatened by him when he was just trying to offer some comfort to both of them. Everyone felt their own form of blame and guilt about the situation, and they needed whatever contact with her that they could get.
"Ok," she agreed and let Hotch pull her into a gentle hug.
"Thank you for trusting us enough to be honest," he whispered in her ear. "I know it was hard for you, and you didn't have to. Don't for a second feel that this will change the way we see you. You're still the same Emily Prentiss. Maybe now, you're even stronger than you were before. You're a survivor, Prentiss. Even survivors need friends. You're not alone. Isn't that what you tried to tell me after Foyet?"
She nodded against him.
He squeezed a little before releasing her. "I'm proud of you. For whatever it's worth, I really am."
"Thank you."
"You've been through so much."
"But I'm getting through."
"You are. Better than I would. I'm starting to see you again, the real you, and I'm happy to have her back."
"She's happy to be back." Most of her anyway. She didn't think she'd ever be exactly the same.
"You know where to find me if…"
"If I need you, I know where you are."
"Anytime." Emily nodded. "Take it easy, Emily. Jack's looking forward to more ice skating."
Emily smiled and promised she'd set something up soon. Hotch left after that, but she still wasn't alone. Morgan waited for it to just be the two of them, and, Emily, noticing him there, stepped up to talk first. "I know I shouldn't have kept it to myself. I just… I had to… For a little while. It's… I'm sorry."
That wasn't what was on his mind. He understood that. "Em…" Now he was at a loss. "Are you ok?"
"Derek, I…"
He pressed her, "No, not that bullshit line I'm sure you're trying to believe. Honestly, how are you doing?"
"I'm… Ok."
"I'm your partner, Emily. Tell me. Really."
"I'm working on it," she admitted.
"Good. You'll get there. And you have me, for whatever you need to get to that point."
"Thanks Derek."
"I wish you knew you could've come to me. I would've understood… I know what it's like…" Carl Buford… He knew what it was like because of that man, but it was different. It was always different.
"I know, Derek. It wasn't you. It was never you. I just… I wasn't in a place that I could say anything. And I know you know what wanting to hold onto that secret, onto that shred of dignity, is like too."
"I do…"
"Things were… They were rough there. They took every opportunity they could to tell me that you guys didn't care about me or weren't looking for me… They wanted me to stop trusting you and to feel like I've lost."
"And did they? Get you to stop trusting us?"
"Sometimes, yeah. Other times, no."
He looked at her and asked, "And now?"
The thought hung as Emily paused. Now, after all this work, did she still not trust them?
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