"Don't Anger Harry Potter"

By Loki Palmer

Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling.

To Angel Girl5, yes, I lit up Professor McGonagall. She's gonna be one high tabby cat for a while … LOL. Red Phoenix Dragon, Professor Snape is Harry's ally, so what do you mean, how painful is his death going to be? As far as I'm aware, he's not going to die.

Chapter 25

The next morning found Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall (in her tabby cat Animagus form) lying down on the floor. As odd as Professor Snape found this position, he thought that the tabby cat's purring was soothing to his ears. Soothing like his Sweet Leaf Maryjane. Mary Jane Watson. Was it just a coincidence that Peter Parker's girlfriend had the same name as one of the nicknames for marijuana? Probably … although Kirsten Dunst was HOT in that role in the "Spider-Man" trilogy. Just because his father may have been a magic-hating Muggle didn't mean that Severus was one to discard ALL Muggle culture. His music collection was all Muggle, for Merlin's sake.

Little did Severus know that there was a prank awaiting him and Minerva at the entrance to his room. She got up from her comfortable bed on his chest, stretched, smiled at him and walked out. The next moment, there was a feline screech that echoed through the dungeons and she rushed back inside and perched on top of his head, yowling all the way.

At least two people were behind this prank, thought Severus as he felt the water dripping off of this yowling cat. The problem was, they had the same surname, which was none other than …

"POTTER!"

Fred grinned. "You see, our dear little brother, nobody says it quite like he does."

George matched him grin for grin. "Aye, little Harry, it is music to my ears."

Harry shook his head in amusement. "You two are in so much trouble."

"Looks like we care, does it?" they said.

~DAHP~

When Professor Snape appeared in the Slytherin common room still wearing his new – ahem – accessory, there was a split second of stunned silence, followed by an outburst of laughter.

"So, Professor Snape, are you enjoying your new hat?" said Harry, trying to hide his amusement and failing.

Professor Snape smiled. "Of course I'm enjoying it, Milord. It's so soft and furry … and I hope that there's not going to be rain today."

Tommy stepped forward. "Maybe we can do something about that, just in case."

"What do you have in mind, Mister Riddle?"

"Hmm … let me think … aha, I've got it! Hold still … the both of you!" With that, Tommy conjured up an umbrella, which was not as small as the umbrella in a martini, and yet not as big as a parasol or a beach umbrella. The color scheme was red and gold on the top with the image of a cat, while on the bottom was green and silver with the image of a bat.

Perching it in Severus's hair, it proved to be the right size for protecting the cat from the rain. "Thank you, Mister Riddle. Ten points to Slytherin. Milord Potter, would you come with me?"

As Harry left with Professor Snape, Lee Jordan, a third-year Slytherin from Jamaica, turned to Tommy. "Tommy, mon, mi seen many funny tings in de world, but mi hab to admit, brodah: dat was one of de funniest tings mi evah seen. Now, bredren, somebody pass de ganja, aright?"

~DAHP~

"So, Professor Snape, you wanted to speak to me?"

"Yes, Lord Potter. Minerva and I got you a present for today's Quidditch game: a Nimbus 2001 broomstick."

Harry's face broke into a smile. "Severus, you're spoiling me."

"No, I believe not. As annoying as your father was to me, he was still an excellent Quidditch player. I have no doubt that you've inherited his talent."

Harry's smile grew into a wide grin. Too wide to be normal. "That's … just … grooooooovy … Professor …"

Of all the crazy things to happen this morning, thought Professor Snape, now this? Lord Harry Potter was stoned? How could this happen? The answer came to him when he heard Tommy singing the song "Sweet Leaf" by Black Sabbath.

Hermione burst into the room. "Professor Snape … sorry about barging in like this. Is Harry okay?"

"He'll be allright in a few hours, Milady. The problem is that we have a Quidditch match coming up against Gryffindor today. An additional problem is that I don't know how well he can play in that state."

"Let me talk to him." She walked up to Harry and sat on his lap. "Harry? Harry, do you know who I am?"

Harry stared at her like he had never seen someone so beautiful, and then he started petting her hair. "You're … Hermione … you're … purty … hair … so … soft ..."

Hermione's mind purred in reaction to Harry's affectionate petting, and it took all her self-control not to jump on Harry then and there. "Harry, as much as I'm enjoying this, you have a Quidditch game to play. How would you like a flying Hershey's chocolate bar?"

Harry's eyes were alight in excitement. "Chocolate, you say? Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeah!"

"GO GET IT!" In Harry's mind, she could hear Tommy humming the "Notre Dame" fight song as Harry ran out of Professor Snape's office.

Professor Snape stared at her like she was a genius. "Milady, can you tell me why you're not stoned, like Harry and Tommy?"

"When I noticed they were starting to be stoned, I put up my Occlumency barriers, Severus," she said. "I'm sure he'll do fine."

~DAHP~

"Welcome, i-dren, to de first Quidditch match between Gryffindor and Slyderin!"

Of all the people to give Quidditch commentary, did it have to be Lee Jordan? Regardless of whether or not he was stoned, his Rasta-influenced patois was hard at times to understand.

"Is fi mi pleasure to give de commentary fa dis match, an mi naa jesta. Now, put fi ya hands togedah fa … Harry ... Pottah!"

It was odd that even the Gryffindors were cheering for Harry, although this courtesy did not extend to the other Slytherin players.

Marcus Flint, the Slytherin Quidditch captain, turned to Harry. "Harry, are you sure you'll be allright for the game?"

"I'm sure, Marcus. Hermione sent me to search for a flying Hershey's chocolate bar."

Marcus's face broke into a grin as he ruffled Harry's hair. "That's one way of looking at it, Harry. You go find that flying Hershey's chocolate bar … just don't eat it, please."

Some time later, as Harry was flying after the Snitch (the little golden ball with wings), his broomstick started lurching every which way. Hermione saw that Professor Quirrell was the source, and, with the help of Neville and Seamus, she lit a firework underneath the unfortunate professor, sending him flying out of the stadium. Finding him sprawled on the ground, she knocked him out cold, saying, "I will kill you and send your remains to Hell if you try to kill Harry ever again, do you understand me, you son of a bitch?"

As for Harry, he caught the Snitch in his mouth and required a Heimlich from Marcus to get it out. Oliver Wood, the Gryffindor Quidditch captain, was upset about this, but there was nothing in the rule book against it – Slytherin had achieved a crushing victory against Gryffindor.

Author's Note: Well, I hope the Rasta-influenced Jamaican patois isn't too confusing. I noted in the series that Lee Jordan is dreadlocked, and I thought, "Oh, yeah, Jamaica!" And my birthday is coming up – February 1st! Great stuff! :) Don't y'all be strangers, now!

Smiles to all,

Loki Palmer