Please Review.
And to answer all your questions... keep reading ).
Somebody else's arms
Armor for sleep
I tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. Taking in her beautiful scent. Staring at her beautiful serene face, she was at peace.
She was okay.
Charlie turned around in his sleep, twisting. Recurring nightmares played through his mind. Each and every image of Bella, back then, sent a shot of pain through my chest. I winced, looking in his head, willing myself to stop but unable to.
I deserved it.
I deserved every pain that hit me, for doing this to her.
I did this to her.
Her gaunt eyes. Her silence. Her loneliness. The silent sound of her heart breaking, each and every day I didn't return, Charlie left to pick up the pieces. Losing all of her friends. The catatonic place she'd been in the night Sam had found her.
I felt moisture at the back of my eyes, even though I knew tears would never escape me, I didn't have that luxury. I wish they could, it would make the pain worse, make me feel more. It was as if someone was torturing me, but not enough to make me scream, not enough to kill me. I was so near it I could taste it, but at the same time I was nowhere close.
I stared at her perfect face and nestled closer to her. Pushing her hair behind her ear, over and over again.
I could stare at her the rest of my life.
She stirred a bit, but the serenity was still there. She was happy.
Without me.
I'd expected this…but at the same time I'd wished more than life itself that it couldn't be true. I thought I would come back, and that she would be waiting, arms open. The way I'd pictured it in my mind, in my dreams if that were possible.
I began to remember the awful months I'd spent away from her…
Nothing had been the same since I'd left her.
No matter where I went, what I smelt, who I saw or what I did, nothing was beautiful. Nothing held any meaning. Everything was pointless.
But every object lead to thoughts of her, of her smell, her touch. Of her beauty.
But I had stayed away, I had. The thought of losing her due to things outside of my control. Putting her in continuous danger, I was so dangerous to her. Me and everything that came along with it. My enemies and even worse my family, my friends.
I thought after a couple of months the pain would ease. The agony would start to slow. But the 'out of sight, out of mind' quotes I'd read in the many books I'd owned, had no connection to me whatsoever. She wasn't in my sight, but she was the only thought that filled my mind. I'd left my family days after we'd left, I couldn't stand to be near them because I knew they couldn't stand to see me like this. It killed Alice the most. I wouldn't do this to them.
But after I continued to lay curled, shaking in the deserts, in the forests, in the jungles. All alone, for days. I realized that this ache would never stop. That she was now and forever, my only one. There would never be another. It was pointless forever. The only thing that had kept me alive, had kept me from going to see them, was her. Were thoughts of her, that she was alive and healing, recovering. She was still existing in a world, so far from mine. And as the nights continued to protrude darkness, she was my star, she was the light that made me survive.
But soon I realized that I couldn't just live with her starlight, her memory. I wanted her – needed her, here with me. I couldn't spend another second without her.
I had made a huge mistake.
I had many mistakes in my lifetime. It wasn't easy dealing with hundreds of years of failure and regrets, but it was bearable.
This was not.
I didn't stop for days, only to feed on deer or elks. Only for tiny moments, seconds. All that was on my mind was her, and it was enough motivation to carry on forever. In days I was there.
I was back in Forks.
The place where my un beating heart had both broken and opened for the first times. Feelings I had never experienced, not once in the decades upon decades.
And I stood outside her house. Unable to focus, unable to smell, unable to keep attention to anything except her.
My Bella.
I looked up at her window.
She was only steps, only moments away from me. In a matter of seconds, she would be in my arms. If she still wanted me through everything.
But even if she didn't, even if it was all too much to forgive, seeing her face for the first time in months would be enough.
I looked at the window again, nerves sending jolts through me. Nervousness. Anxiety.
Feelings I'd never really experienced before. She'd brought out every human emotion in me. She'd made me feel human in little ways that no one else could. I was always very aware of what I was when I was with her. She was too breakable for my thoughts to drift elsewhere, but for some tiny seconds when she'd looked at me, really looked at me. It had stunned me how perfect I'd felt in her eyes. It had amazed me how she'd accepted me as a lover instead of the monster that I was.
And as I made my way to her I stopped. Wincing.
The memories I wished to forget flew back, like it had been just yesterday.
"You…don't…want…me?" she'd stuttered.
I'd never seen such fear in someone's eyes. Never. Not in any of the victims I'd killed over the years. I wasn't killing her, I was saving her. Couldn't she see that? Why didn't she understand? I was a monster, I would do nothing but destroy her and her life. I would put her in constant danger? Why didn't she understand! Why did she have to make this harder.
"I will always want you. You are the end all and be all of my existence, you are everything. I love you Bella Swan, now and always," were the words I should've said.
I'd been so close to saying the words, so close. The only thing that had stopped me was her, her safety. Realizing that yes, I could be selfish and keep her but who would be to blame if something had happened to her? I couldn't live with myself knowing that I'd be the reason for her fall, for her d – no, I wouldn't think about that.
"No," is what I answered. Putting as much force into my voice as possible. Couldn't she see through it? Couldn't she tell I was breaking, all granite and rock that I was made of, cracking piece by piece?
Oh God.
I left, I disappeared before I could bear another second. I heard her voice...
Oh God.
What have I done, what have I done.
Oh God.
I'd winced continuously in pain, this was unbearable. But I continued to run, to get as far away from her as possible. I was danger. I was dangerous to my Bella. But she wasn't mine anymore. She would never be.
Oh God.
I shook the memory away. No I loved her. I loved her.
I jumped up to her windowsill and peered inside.
Nothing could've prepared me for what I saw next.
My Bella wrapped up with Jacob Black.
I should've been prepared, or at least known that this could've been a possibility. But I hadn't thought about it.
A smell burned my nose, but the anxiety that was shaking me left me with no time to think and figure out what it was.
I turned and jumped. Hearing as his breathing changed, he'd woken up.
I didn't care though. Nothing mattered anymore.
I left.
The image was burned in my head.
Bella & Jacob.
I ran.
I stared at her face now, realizing that she would never be mine again. But she was happy now, she had found someone, someone in the world that would keep her safe. That's all I needed. Jacob finally had what I'd known he'd wanted. She was his star now.
She was safe, she was happy. She was okay, wasn't this what I had come back to see? Just to make sure. I knew there was a voice in that back of my head telling me otherwise, but I buried it. If she was happy, I was happy.
I held her, for the last time. Looked at her long eyelashes and perfect mouth, savoring each part of her for times that would come soon, when I needed them, when I needed her. I kissed her forehead, her smell filled my nose. Her warm skin.
"I love you Bella Swan, forever," I said quietly, as I hummed our lullaby for the last time.
I would leave her now and I would never come back. She was happy now. That was all I needed.
That was all I needed.
I got up and backed away. Watching her eyes move animatedly under her eyelids, a smile touched her lips.
And for once in my life I was happy I couldn't read her mind, knowing that the only images that filled it now were of Jacob.
I was forgotten.
I disappeared.
--
--
b e l l a
He was there, suddenly. In my dreams. The music, my lullaby.
"Edward," I murmured, my eyes went wide.
And I shot awake, sitting up and looking around. I smelt something so familiar, so magical, it couldn't be. I smelt home.
I looked around my room frantically, for anything. Touching my cold face, a shiver ran down my spine. I looked and saw that my window was opened; I got up shakily and closed it, looking outside for anything. But there was nothing. There was always nothing. Dreams were all I'd ever have of him. I shook my head angrily. I was being stupid, he wasn't here. He was never coming home.
I turned and looked around my room. My eyes moved to the chair where he used to sit. The one where he'd rock and stare at me with that crooked smile, I cringed at the memory
But the chair was empty.
My room was empty.
I was alone.