Chapter 25:
"Here Loki, we'll start you off with fifteen pound weights." Thor says, picking the dumbbells up off the rack and handing them to his brother.
Loki's face scrunches up as he takes the weights, frowning.
"How much do you curl?" He asks, giving the dumbbells a few practice lifts.
Thor chuckles, shaking his head.
"Well, I've been lifting weights a long time Loki, so of course it's more."
He doesn't want to hurt Loki's pride or embarrass him, reluctant to tell him.
This is the first time in his brother's life that he's actually come to the gym with him to work out. The last thing Thor wants is for Loki to lift too much weight and be so sore the next morning that he never wants to come again.
He'd been almost shocked when, that morning, Loki had asked Thor if he could work out with him. Loki had never been interested in any kind of exercise or athletics before. Especially with his asthma. It made engaging in any sort of physical exertion not only difficult, but even dangerous for Loki.
But Thor had also been thrilled. He'd been trying to get his brother to do some weight lifting and aerobics for a long time, years, actually. Loki was so naturally thin, no one would ever say he needed exercise, but Thor had always thought it would be good for him, give him something to focus on and calm down his over active brain with. And it wouldn't hurt for him to get a little physically stronger either. It always worried Thor, how skinny Loki was. He knew it attracted bullies. They saw what they thought was a scrawny, somewhat feminine guy, and they just zeroed in on him.
So of course he'd told Loki yes, maybe a little too enthusiastically. But Loki hadn't seemed to notice, almost as excited about it as Thor was.
When they'd gotten here, Thor had made Loki weigh himself, and he'd come in at a whopping 139 pounds, which Thor had teased Loki mercilessly about for the next few minutes, until Loki had shoved his shoulder and told him to weigh himself too. Thor had, coming in at 217 pounds, and Loki had stuck his tongue out at him and accused him of being a show off.
They'd gone through a few, basic stretches, and Thor had been surprised by how limber Loki actually was, before heading to the weights.
Loki is still staring at him, waiting for an answer, and Thor sighs, rolling his eyes.
"I curl sixty-five's." He finally answers, and like he expected, Loki's eyes go wide, his mouth dropping open.
"Sixty-fives!?" He starts. "Jesus Thor, you could arm curl a large child."
Thor shrugs.
"You asked." He says. "But here, stand like this." He moves behind his brother and helps position him into the right stance. "Move your feet apart a little, yeah, that's good, now plant them. Then look straight ahead at yourself in the mirror and rotate each arm with sets of eight. That's right! Good!"
He watches Loki curl the dumbbells, a look of extreme concentration on his face, and Thor smiles. He's happy, and relieved, to see his brother being so into it.
He watches him a few seconds longer before going to get his own weights, standing next to Loki and doing it with him.
They do four sets of eight before moving on to another exercise.
Loki is eager and full of questions, and Thor can't remember the last time he saw his brother so talkative or... relaxed, really. It's wonderful, and Thor can't help the small swell of pride he feels, knowing that he's in some way helping Loki, that he can do this for him.
They're at the dip bars now, and for the first time since coming here, Thor is grateful for the assisted dip machine to its left.
"Okay," he starts. "so, the way this machine works is, you add weight and it actually makes it easier, the more weight you add, because it's countering your body weight. With dips, you have to lift your own body weight, which is a lot harder than people realize. So I want to just start you off slow. So we'll add 90 pounds. Okay?"
Loki makes a face again, and Thor can tell he's embarrassed.
"I can do less than that." He insists.
"I know." Thor says, even though he doesn't think Loki really realizes how hard this is going to be. "But it's your first day and I just want to get you used to the initial motion of things. So 90 pounds. Alright? Same as before, four sets of eight."
Loki sighs.
"Alright." He finally agrees, letting Thor prepare the machine.
"Now just step up here and you hold onto the bars and rest your knees on the pad, like this."
Thor demonstrates to him a few times.
"Okay?" He asks, hopping off the machine, and Loki nods.
Thor helps him up onto it anyway, watching to make sure his brother is handling it alright before moving over to the dip bars for himself.
"How's the weight?" He asks after the first set.
"It's alright." Loki answers. He's looking at Thor with an almost astonished expression. "You go down really far." He says at last, referring to how low Thor dips. Thor smiles, a little proud. He's always been good at this exercise, he's always had a strong back. Most guys try to show off by doing a stupid amount of dips, meanwhile they barely even bend their elbows. Thor goes down until his elbows are at a 90 degree angle.
"It's just practice." He tells his brother. "If you keep it up, you'll be able to do dips unassisted too."
Loki doesn't look convinced, his arms crossing across himself and looking away, like he always does when he's feeling insecure.
"Hey," Thor reaches out, placing his hand on his brother's shoulder, giving it a squeeze. "You're doing really good Loki. I'm proud of you."
Loki laughs nervously, stepping away.
"Whatever." He says. But Thor doesn't miss the vague smile which curls at the corners of his lips, and he knows Loki's a little proud too.
/
"Loki, concentrate." Thor has to snap at his brother for the third time.
Loki keeps staring at a group of guys on the other side of the gym, clearly taken with them, and Thor is starting to get frustrated.
He understands Loki is young and boy crazy, but he's trying to show him how to do this.
Finally his brother looks back to him.
"Those guys are really cute." He says, a goofy grin spreading across his face, and Thor thinks he's adorable, amazed by how much his brother still looks like a little kid.
"I know. But we're here to work out Lok, not pick up dates. I need you to focus." He forces himself to say.
Thor glances at the guys across the gym and frowns. He doesn't like the look of them anyway. Typical jock assholes, he thinks.
Loki sighs.
"Spoil sport." He mutters, but keeps his attention on what Thor's trying to show him.
"This is a wheel. It's a full body exercise, but it's really good for your back and abdominal muscles especially." Thor goes on explaining. "So watch,"
He demonstrates how to do it, sitting on his knees and extending out all the way.
"Now, normally I go up on my toes like I'm going to do a push up, but that's too hard for you right now. So I want you to sit on your knees, and just extend out as far as you can, don't worry about fully extending."
He hands the wheel to Loki and waits for him to try.
Loki looks skeptical and uncertain, fussing with the wheel for a moment before mimicking Thor. His upper body shakes as he tries rolling out, stopping and hesitating about halfway out, and he grunts, clearly struggling as he tries pulling himself back.
"Jesus," he mutters, sitting up. "Thor, I can't do this one." He hands the wheel back to him.
"You can." Thor insists. "It just takes practice. You're stronger than you think Loki."
"Eh," Loki looks deflated, and Thor knows better than to press further.
"Well, we'll save this one for another time, okay?"
Loki only nods, seeming relieved.
"We'll try some pull-ups and then do some light aerobics, and call it a day, huh?" Thor smiles at him. "Hey, you did really good Loki."
Loki smiles back, shrugging.
"Alright, come on." Thor stands, reaching down a hand to pull his brother up. Loki takes it and Thor lifts him to his feet.
Thor goes first, taking it lightly, doing just twenty pull ups before giving Loki his turn.
"So here, I'll lift you, and just grab hold of the bar and try and pull yourself up as many times as you can." Thor instructs, getting behind his brother and holding him under the arms. "Ready?"
"Yeah." Loki says, and Thor lifts him up, waiting until he's sure his brother has a firm hold of the bar before letting him go. He stands behind him, ready to catch him in case he loses his grip.
Loki hangs for a long moment before pulling himself up, struggling clearly, but able to get his chin over the bar.
"Good job Loki." Thor encourages.
Loki huffs, and goes for a second attempt. He barely manages it, just touching his chin to the bar, and Thor can tell he's spent. A third attempt and he shakes as he tries getting himself up, unable to.
"Okay, that's okay Loki." Thor tells him, taking hold of him again and telling him to let go. He lowers his brother back to the floor then, and Loki is obviously embarrassed, his eyes glancing everywhere but him.
"That was great Loki. Seriously." Thor tells him. "You did amazingly."
Loki scoffs, shaking his head.
"You're a bad liar Thor." He says, and Thor reaches out, putting his hand round the nape of his brother's neck.
"Hey, look at me." He says, and finally Loki does, glancing up at him, his pale face slightly flushed. "I mean it." Thor goes on. "I'm really proud of you Loki, for taking this on. And also when I say you did amazing. You've never lifted before, and this is only your first day. You'll get better, I promise you."
Loki half smiles, looking away.
"Alright." He says.
Thor ruffles his hair, drawing a protest from his brother as he ducks away, swatting at Thor's hand.
Thor laughs.
"Alright. I'm just gonna go use the bathroom, and then we can do some walking on the treadmill for maybe ten minutes and then head home. Sound good?"
Loki nods and Thor tells him he'll be right back.
He's gone maybe two minutes, but when he comes out of the bathroom, he sees Loki standing over by the water fountain, his back pressed against the wall, being crowded by one of the guys he'd earlier been checking out. The man has one hand pressed against the wall beside Loki's head, clearly blocking his path, clearly aggressive. Loki is staring back at him, his face tight and unresponsive, but his whole frame is stiff as a bowstring, nearly vibrating with tension.
Thor sees red, and he walks with long, hard strides in their direction, his hands curling to fists at his sides, anger nearly choking him.
He's seen this too many fucking times.
As he gets closer, he can hear what the bastard is saying to his brother, and his blood feels like its boiling in his veins now.
"I asked you a question, faggot." He says to Loki, jabbing his finger against his chest. "Why the fuck were you checking me out before? Answer me, you fucking queer..."
Thor reaches out and grabs the guy's arm, locking down on his wrist with brutal force and yanking him away from Loki.
The guy yelps in shock and pain and Thor squeezes harder.
"Get the fuck away from him." He growls, stepping closer until he's inches from the assholes face, looming over him.
The guy's face is frozen in terror for a moment before he forces himself to stammer out some stupid reply.
"W-what are you, his f-faggot lover or something?" He says, and Thor grins at him viciously.
"Yeah." He tells him, increasing the pressure on his wrist until the guy's knees start to buckle, his face twisting in pain. "him and me are a couple of faggots. You wanna see how much this faggot here is gonna fuck your ass up?"
He keeps squeezing until the guy starts to whimper, his knees finally giving out. But Thor doesn't let him drop, holding him up, squeezing until he's close to breaking the piece of shit's bones.
He wants to smash the fuckers face in. Wants to beat him half to death, until he isn't even recognizable as a human being anymore. Wants to...
"Thor..." He's snapped out of his thoughts by the sound of his brother's voice, the touch of his hand on his shoulder, and he looks up, seeing Loki standing beside him, a pleading look on his face. "let him go." He says softly.
Thor doesn't understand, turning and staring down at his brother.
"What?" He asks.
Loki shakes his head.
"Please Thor. Just... let him go. He isn't worth it."
"But... Loki, he insulted you. Fucking threatened you." He begins to argue, confused and almost hurt.
"Him and a million other losers." Loki replies, voice almost too soft to hear. "Please, I just wanna get out of here. He isn't worth it."
Thor continues to stare back at him for long seconds, the anger slowly draining out of him as he sees the almost scared look in his brother's eyes, and finally he lets go his hold on the man's wrist, letting him crumple to the floor, still whimpering, crying now.
Thor continues looking at Loki for a long moment before turning to stare down at the bastard on the ground.
"Don't ever come near my brother again, you piece of shit." He tells him. If the guy says anything in return, Thor doesn't hear it as he turns back toward Loki and takes hold of his hand. "Come on." He says. "Let's go home."
Loki doesn't say anything, letting Thor pull him away.
Out in the parking lot of the gym, the silence between them falls heavy, and Thor feels sick with anger and guilt. They'd been having such a good time, and then that son of a bitch asshole had had to start messing with his brother, and Thor's temper had again gotten away from him, and everything had gotten ruined, like it always seemed to. Why did there have to be so many God damned rotten people in the world? Why did they all seem to want to hurt Loki? Christ, this had been going on with him since he'd been a little kid, people bullying and harassing him, putting him down.
Thor hadn't meant to get so carried away, but he couldn't stand to see it anymore. Couldn't put up with anyone doing that to his little brother anymore.
He just hoped Loki wasn't too angry with him.
"Thor..." he's shaken from his thoughts by the sound of Loki's voice, and he turns.
He's given only a moment to regard his brother before Loki is stepping closer and an instant after he has his arms around Thor, hugging him tightly, burying his face against his chest.
"Thank you." He says into his shirt, voice muffled and thin.
Thor stands, taken aback a moment, before his brain kicks back into gear and he lifts his own arms, wrapping them round his brother and squeezing his hard against him.
He presses his lips to the crown of Loki's head, kissing him.
"It's alright Loki." He says. "It's alright..."
Thor wakes with a violent start, a half strangled scream lodged in his throat from the nightmare he'd been having, the vision of it still stuck mercilessly in his brain.
A picture of Loki, being dragged from him, torn from his arms by Thanos, crying out for him to help him, to save him, and Thor finding himself paralyzed and useless, unable to move, to do anything. Only able to watch, with the crushing knowledge of his own failure, knowing he'd let Thanos take Loki away, that he'd let Thanos kill him...
He feels little relief when actual memory begins to seep past the dream, the reality of what had happened coming back to him like a hammer to the face, his panic and fear still like a stone lodged in his throat.
"Loki..." he rasps, and he thinks for a moment to turn, to jump out of this bed, tear all the IV's from his arm and run out to find his brother, to be by him, protect him...
Only when he turns, he stops, staring, thinking for a moment he's dreaming still.
Loki is lying there next to him, sleeping curled on his side, knees half pulled to his chest. His face is slack, relaxed, none of the lines of stress or pain that rack his visage in his waking hours, and he looks as young as he is.
Thor feels his heart break and he reaches out, brushing a strand of his brother's hair back behind his ear, grief and relief waring inside of him.
He was supposed to have protected Loki, and instead it was Loki who'd ended up saving him.
Stupid... he'd been so fucking stupid. Let his own, selfish need for revenge blind him to what Loki needed, and... and Loki could have been abducted, could have been killed, Christ, he...
Tears well fast and unrelenting in his eyes, pouring down his cheeks, and he wipes angrily at them, teeth grinding as he presses his fist against his forehead, swallowing down the urge to sob.
He feels sick, light headed and weak, and he can't tell if it's from the stab wound, the loss of blood, or just his own wracking guilt.
He forces himself to turn back toward his brother, staring at him for long seconds. His eyes drift to the cast round his forearm, covering his wrist and part of his hand, and his stomach churns, remembering watching Thanos grab hold of Loki's wrist, remembering the awful snapping sound of the bone breaking, and Loki crying out...
He leans over, pressing his lips to Loki's temple, kissing him softly. Loki doesn't stir, clearly exhausted, and Thor has to resist the desire to take him up in his arms and squeeze him in a hug.
He's still staring at Loki, still half paranoid that he isn't really there, when there's a soft knock on the door.
Thor looks up, staring at it a long moment before calling out for whoever it is to come in.
The door opens slowly, and the first thing Thor sees is a huge bouquet of flowers, followed a moment after by the sight of Steve, clean cut and put together as always. Only his eyes are visibly bloodshot, his face lined in anxiety and pain which isn't usual for him at all.
Thor stares back at the younger man a long moment, Steve's eyes moving over him, and then falling to Loki, who he looks at for several seconds before abruptly turning away.
Thor sees him raise his fist, biting down on his knuckles, and Thor feels his heart sink to the pit of his stomach. Steve's grief is real, and it only reminds Thor of his own.
He doesn't say anything, waiting for his brother's friend to turn back, and eventually, Steve does, making his way slowly over to the bed. He places the flowers down on the small table at its side before sinking down into the seat which Frigga had earlier occupied. Thor only then notices her absence, and he wonders where she's gone. Probably to get a coffee or something, he thinks.
They've all been spending too much time in hospitals lately, it seems.
"Is... is it alright, that I'm here?" Steve asks, voice tentative and thin. He's been crying, and Thor wonders what he knows.
Thor nods, trying to shift to sit up more, the pain in his abdomen a dull ache, his thoughts cloudy from the medication they have him on.
"How did you...?" He starts, his own voice raspy and weak.
"I went to your house. You probably know me and Loki haven't... haven't spoken to each other for the last week. We... I don't know if he told you, we had sort of a fight. He..."
Steve hesitates, looking to Loki, still sleeping deeply at Thor's side.
Thor waits for Steve to go on.
"He... Loki wanted to... he wanted to have sex," he finally gets out, his cheeks flushing with embarrassment. "I told him no, not... not because I didn't want to. It was because I thought... I didn't think he was actually ready, or... or that that was what he actually wanted. I didn't... I didn't want to hurt him..."
He trails off, and Thor's eyes burn.
So that was why Loki hadn't been talking to Steve.
Loki must have thought... Jesus, he must have thought Steve didn't like him. He knew how easily Loki could sometimes take things the wrong way. How prone he was to seeing everything as a criticism or insult to him. He'd had his own words and actions misinterpreted or misunderstood more times than he could remember by his brother, almost always because Thor hadn't done a good enough job of explaining himself, hadn't made himself clear.
Loki never missed anything, not a single word, not a single expression. It could make him dangerously perceptive. Only sometimes it worked against him, made him think you meant something you didn't, confused his own thoughts, when he saw contradictory emotions in another person, when words and actions got jumbled and expressed clumsily.
It didn't make the pain he felt from it any less real though.
"Okay." Thor says quietly. "I understand."
Steve swallows thickly, shaking his head.
"I wanted to see him, to make sure he was okay, since he... he wasn't answering my calls or responding to my texts. When I got to your house, your... your dad answered the door. He told me what... what happened, with... with that guy. Loki's... with the guy Loki was with..."
He stops, his gaze falling on Loki again, and tears well in his eyes, slipping silent down his cheeks.
Thor's own vision blurs, and he's crying too, wiping the back of his hand against his face.
"He saved my life." He suddenly says, voice shaking. "I... I was so stupid. I was so damned stupid. He begged me not to go after him and I... I didn't listen, just like I never listen. I never listen to Loki. He could have been..."
Thor has to stop, swallowing thickly to keep from sobbing, shaking his head.
"Thanos had his hands on him. When... when he... when Loki ran after me, and I was already down, I couldn't... couldn't do anything. Thanos could have t-taken him again, could have killed him... He had his hands on Loki. He had his hands on him."
Thor can't imagine it. Can't imagine how that must have felt to Loki, after... after what Thanos had done to him, to suddenly have that son of a bitches hands on him again, holding him, forcing him...
He feels nauseous at the thought, trying uselessly to push it from his mind.
He'd always protected Loki from that kind of thing, when he could. When he'd been there to stop it. No one had ever laid a hand on his brother if Thor was there. No one had dared.
But this time... this time... he'd played right into Thanos' game, had left Loki exposed, had nearly gotten himself killed...
What fucking use was he as an older brother if he couldn't protect Loki from the greatest danger in his life?
He glances at Steve, the younger man's face tight and anxious.
"What happened?" He finally asks, sounding scared. "God, you guys..."
Thor swallows thickly, his mouth dry and sick tasting.
Steve seems to notice.
"Let me get you some water." He offers suddenly, standing and moving over to a cooler in the room, filling up a paper cup and bringing it over.
Thor takes it with shaking hands, muttering out a thank you and greedily drinking it down, the cold of the water feeling good against his throat.
"Do you want some more?" Steve asks, and Thor shakes his head, crushing the paper cup in his hand and looking down at himself.
He's shirtless, thick gauze wrapped round his torso where Thanos had stabbed him. Even through that, there's the light pink stain of his blood showing through. Jesus, he would have died if Loki hadn't come for him...
He shakes his head, looking back up at Steve, who's sitting again, his eyes fixed on Loki. He looks like he wants to reach out to him, but he doesn't move.
"Thanos, he... he showed up. I was out with Loki shopping for food, and all of a sudden he was just... j-just there... I just... I was filled with so much rage, and I didn't think. Christ, Loki begged me not to leave him and I did. All I could think about was wrapping my hands around that bastards throat and choking the life out of him. I... I went after him, just like he knew I would. I played right into the fucker's hands."
He swallows painfully again, feeling himself on the verge of sobbing.
"He g-got me coming around a corner. I didn't even see him coming. I didn't... and then Loki came... God, he was so brave. He came after me, he... he scared Thanos away somehow."
Fresh tears well in his eyes, and he doesn't even try to stop them.
"He broke Loki's wrist. The fucking monster. He... he crushed it. Mom told me it was totally sh-shattered. That it might not ever heal properly..."
"God..." Steve breathes, looking sick. "God damn it..."
"I didn't protect him Steve. I was supposed to protect him and I didn't. This is my fault. All of it. I'm this terrible person and I can't... I can't do anything right. I keep screwing it up."
"Thor, don't say that. God, this isn't... you were trying to protect him. I wouldn't... I couldn't have acted any differently if I'd been in your position. If I'd seen Thanos, I would have gone after him too. Anyone would have."
"But Loki knew better. He told me not to and I ignored him, like I always ignore him." Thor cries, hating himself even more for how quickly he's falling apart, his voice unsteady and too loud.
Steve looks lost, like he doesn't know what to say, and Thor doesn't blame him. What can he say, after all of that?
"I'm sorry, just... you shouldn't have to deal with this shit." He wipes the back of his hand against his eyes.
Steve shakes his head.
"It's alright. You're upset. It's normal." Steve tries.
Thor opens his mouth to say something else, but suddenly Loki shifts beside him, his eyes coming open slowly, sleep heavy and unfocused.
Several seconds pass before his brother's eyes find him.
"Thor..." he breathes quietly, starting to push himself up. "You're awake." He rubs at his eyes.
Thor wipes at his own, not wanting his brother to see him crying.
But of course Loki notices.
"You're crying." He says, frowning, sounding worried.
Thor shakes his head.
"I'm alright." He says. "Just a little messed up. I'm alright." He insists. He wipes at his eyes again, nodding over Loki's shoulder. "Someone's here to see you."
Loki starts slightly, before turning round.
Steve smiles weakly, waving hesitantly.
"Hi Loki." He says.
Loki stares for a long moment, saying nothing, not moving, and Thor can see the anxiety begin to seep into Steve's expression.
"I... I hope it's okay that I'm here. I... God, I'm so sorry Loki. I'm so sorry."
"... No, it... it's..." Loki starts after a moment, his voice slightly trembling. "It's alright. I'm sorry. I..."
Suddenly he turns away, and Thor sees his face crumple, his hand coming up to cover his eyes.
He's crying, and Steve looks mortified, half rising out of his seat and reaching for Loki.
"Are you..." he starts, and Loki shakes his head.
"I'm such an idiot." He says weakly. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have... I never should have gotten angry at you."
Finally he looks up, looking at Steve.
"It was my own stupid fault. I'm so fucked up. I don't... d-don't know what I want, and I got angry at you because I thought... I thought you must have realized it and didn't want me, but I knew that was bullshit. Knew I was just being selfish and not... not giving you the credit you deserve. And then I was too scared to call you because I knew I'd messed up so badly, and thought you probably didn't want to see me ever again."
"Loki..." Steve says, his own eyes over bright. "I could never... never leave you like that. I thought you didn't want to see me anymore because I'd screwed up."
"... Oh." Loki whispers, sounding half-dazed.
"I think... all of us need to work on our communication skills." Thor puts in after a long beat of silence.
He wipes at his eyes, and Loki is the first to laugh, brittle though the sound is, it's still the sweetest thing Thor has heard in a long time.
And then all three of them are laughing, and crying, and hugging each other.
Thor can only thank whatever power might be up there that they're all okay. After everything, at least they're okay.