Forsaking Arthur's company for the night, Gwen shared her canopy bed with me. There was plenty of room for both of us and we talked in the darkness for hours into the night. Perhaps it would have been more sensible to get our sleep before the big day, but the spur of the moment was too strong. Talking just to Gwen in private, when she could not see my face, gave me back my courage. And luckily, she was not quite so direct in her way of addressing certain topics as Jocelyn and Sophia had been.
"Tell me about Percival," she whispered at one point. "I mean, about how you fell in love with him."
I told her about that horrible, confusing morning four years ago when he had comforted me and lifted me onto his horse. "He made me feel so safe. I loved the kindness in his eyes, the way he seemed to want to protect me. And … he was so handsome it made me feel all fuzzy. I know I was only a child then and I probably wasn't supposed to have feelings like that, but … "
"Don't be silly," Gwen said. "I had feelings like that when I was thirteen. Even before, I think. You see, my father had an apprentice called Jake, who was tall and muscular and had he had the most amazing eyes. I used to spy on him through a whole in the wall," she told me, finishing in a suppressed giggle, which I couldn't help joining in on.
"Really?" I giggled.
"Yes! I don't know what my father would have said if he'd ever found out."
"Well … I never told anyone about those things, not even my best friend."
"I didn't tell anyone about them either," Gwen said.
I felt strange, but good. Maybe I had not been so very abnormal after all.
"And those feelings you had for Percival stayed with you all that time?" she continued when I fell silent.
"Yes. They only kept growing stronger. But I never plucked up the courage to talk to him. At times it made me so frustrated I thought I was going mad."
"It was probably better that you didn't."
"Yes, I can see that now. He's told me that he loved me as well, all the time, but I understand why he couldn't show it."
"Yes," Gwen mused. "People would just have got the wrong idea."
I thought about telling her that I could not understand why he loved me, but I knew she would say I was just as likely to be loved than anyone else. Which of course might be logically true. I just could not feel it, or believe it in my heart.
"Are you … ready … for your wedding night?" she carefully asked a few moments later.
"Well … I know what's going to happen if that's what you mean," I replied, "or, I think I do. But … I have no idea what it will be like … I mean, what if he doesn't like me? I don't know what to do, or how to be. I'm just so nervous."
I was thinking about what Ailith and I had sometimes heard the older girls whisper about back in Clunsdale. The half stories, the insinuations we had picked up and how we had hardly dared to talk about it between the two of us.
"Don't be," Gwen said in a way that almost convinced me.
"Doesn't the first time hurt?" I asked.
"If Percival is just as considerate and gentle as Arthur … and I can only imagine that he is – then even the pain will feel good," she said.
I instantly blushed when a picture popped up in my mind of Arthur and Gwen embracing in bed. I was happy she could not see my expression. I was still very doubtful. But Percival was considerate and gentle. I had never seen him be anything else, except when he was fighting Elvin, and even then he had only done what had been absolutely necessary.
"I've never talked about this with someone who has actually tried it," I realised aloud.
"You know," Gwen said, "some people say that only men enjoy it, and women only do it because they have to. But they don't know what they are talking about."
This was news to me. I waited for her to continue.
"And I think that the men who don't want the woman to enjoy it as well, they don't know what they are about either … Because … "
I could feel that she did not think this was very easy to talk about, but I was so grateful because it proved that she saw me as a real friend, and I needed her to share her experience. "... Well, because Arthur says that he enjoys it much more when he can see that I enjoy it too."
"What does it feel like?" I asked.
"It's hard to describe. There is nothing else like it. It feels fantastic."
I was a little disappointed that she could not describe it better. That did not exactly make me less nervous. What was I to expect, and how would I know if it felt right?
"But Drea? Don't be afraid to tell him if you are not ready the first night, or week, or month even. He will understand. If you are afraid, I think it will be a bad experience for both of you."
"You're probably right."
I realised that even though Percival and I loved each other, it was no guarantee that we would never cause each other hurt. Quite the contrary, actually. It was a scary but strangely beautiful thought.
"And also, try to make fun of it instead of treating it like some formal ceremony. You'll feel much better about it if you can laugh at yourselves," Gwen advised.