Pallada: Thanks so much for your kind words. You have absolutely no reason to apologize for. I cherish every review you post, and timing isn't important on that matter ;-) I'm glad you're still enjoying the story, that's all that matters
klt1: Wellcome to the ride, I hope you're going to stick around.
Chapter XXV
Matt wanted badly to fall asleep, but he couldn't find any rest. The conversation with Halstead left him agitated and anxious. He knew he had overreacted, now realizing that he should have tried to stay calm and told the other that he understood why he had felt to ask him about his alcohol input. Now it was more likely that Will thought he had been right and Matt actually had a drinking problem, even though this wasn't the case at all, Matt thought to himself.
Casey was aware that he drank more these last few weeks than maybe someone would recommend, but that didn't make him a drunk. He used the alcohol simply to calm himself down and to be able to sleep some nights without getting woken up by nightmares and anxiety attacks. Although, it turned out to be a dangerous illusion after all, on Matt's part.
Matt tossed and turned in his bed until he finally gave in and stood up. He decided to take a shower to calm his nerves. Now that Matt was better, and his knees didn't give in as much, Kelly allowed him finally to use the bathroom without him standing nearby, behaving like a hawk watching his nest. Matt wasn't mad at Kelly for being cautious with him. He understood why he was protective. He would have picked up the same routine if it would have been reversed and Severide would have been the one with the shaky legs. But lately rational thinking and acting on it wasn't one of Matt's best features.
He enjoyed the cold wet, and his inner agitation settled slowly, and the urge to throw something across the room lessened. He thought about the bags full of empty bottles in the living room and decided he had to get rid of them. He was aware Kelly wouldn't do it because his plan was for Matt to do it himself. And maybe his friend was right. After all, it was Matt's mess, and he had to clean them out.
Matt finished his shower and dried himself off and put on his boxers. He sighed as he made his way past the mirror. His reflection showed the ordeal of the last week. Matts' eyes were sunken, and his facial features had become hard and edgy. Casey noticed his greyish skin tone, and suddenly his looks made him feel upset, and he began to wonder. Who was that guy in front of him? Matt felt like a whole other person than he had been a few months ago. The rage and the desperation which consumed him day after day turned him into that pitiful thing staring back at him through the mirror, right now.
Casey was trapped in his web of confusion and anger towards himself, and he couldn't find a way out of the mess he had created in his life. Mad at everything and his self he subconsciously made a fist, and without thinking twice, he threw a punch at the mirror. The glass shattered in an instant and shards were falling on the bathroom floor. His knuckles turned red as the blood started to flow. His skin was broken and bruised, but Matt had the feeling he could relax for a second while looking mesmerized at his blood, which was sipping out of the cracks and along down his forearm.
It didn't last long until he heard an anxious Kelly outside the bathroom door, "Casey! What's going on? Talk to me!"
Matt wanted to answer right away. He didn't want Severide to worry, but he found himself unable to form a word let alone a whole sentence. He was still looking at his hand, like in a trance. Opening and closing his fingers he managed to feel the pain, and the wound began to bleed even more because of the movement of his hand.
Kelly by now hammered on the door, "Casey! Open up!" He turned around and huffed, "Damn it!" as he ran into the kitchen to fetch the screwdriver he had place wisely in one of the drawers in case he had to open the bathroom door at some point during his watch duty, while Casey was taking a shower.
With steady hands, he used the tool to open up the lock and let himself into the bathroom. Kelly wasn't sure what to expect behind the door, but his guts told him it wouldn't be anything pleasant.
His eyes widened at the sight of a half-naked Casey standing in the middle of shattered mirror pieces. His hand was bleeding profoundly, and Matt was staring at it. Kelly yelled in shock, "Casey, oh God! What did you do?"
Matt finally looked away from his hand and at Severide. He attempted to step away, but Kelly yelled again, "STOP!" Casey flinched but stopped the movement. Kelly repeated, "Stop." His voice toned calmer now as he slowly made his way deeper into the bathroom. He had to push some of the broken glass away with his foot as he told Casey, "Don't move! There's glass everywhere. You're not wearing any slippers, so please don't move."
Severide took one of the thick bath towels from the rack nearby and laid it on the ground over the shards. Then he took a second towel and cautious made his way over to Casey who hadn't said a single word since Kelly entered the room.
"Here, put this around your hand!" Kelly tried to get his attention. Matt just looked stunned back and forth between the towel and his bleeding hand, like he didn't have a clue what Kelly was expecting him to do.
Severide acted instead of Matt and tried to stop the bleeding by putting some pressure on the wound, but he knew he had to be careful as it was likely that there were some glass shards stuck in the flesh.
"God, Casey! What the hell were you thinking?" His voice sounded agitated and worried. He looked Matt in the eyes while still applying pressure to his hand. "Does it hurt? Can you move all your fingers?" He wanted to know, but Matt didn't answer and turned his head to look the other way. "Come on Casey. Talk to me! Now isn't the time to play shy." Kelly tried to stay as calm as possible, although his inner desire was to shake Casey by his shoulders and to scream at him for doing something stupid like throwing a punch at a glass mirror.
Severide noticed Casey sway slightly and he tried to look at his face again, "Hey! Look at me!" The other man slowly moved his head and met his eyes. "You're not gonna pass out, are you?" Kelly asked nervously as he recognized Casey's pale face and his glassy eyes. "Come on. We have to step outside, away from the shards." Matt withdrew his hand from Kelly's and applied the pressure with his other hand himself, turned and made his way over the towel on the ground out of the bathroom, and left Kelly standing there without saying a word. Severide had to recover from his shock at Matts behavior before he could follow him outside. He found Casey in the kitchen, who was holding his hand under flowing water over the sink, carefully rinsing the wound out.
Kelly stayed away at the kitchen-entrance and asked, "Are there any shards?"
He was surprised when Casey answered, "Don't know. Could be."
"Okay. I'll get you some clothes, and then I'll drive you to the hospital." His voice sounded stressed with a hint of annoyance.
"That's not necessary. It's superficial."
"I think it's necessary."
"Yeah well, and I think it isn't."
"I don't care what you think! We're going to the hospital. End of story." Severide wasn't going to argue about this and Matt sighed as he heard Kelly leaving the kitchen. He tried to clean the wound as good as possible. He could feel little bits and pieces stuck between his broken skin. "Why the hell did I have to do that?" he sighed to himself. The feeling of relaxation he felt earlier when he punched the mirror was now gone and left him wondering what was wrong with him these days?
"I'd like to know as well," Kelly entered the kitchen again with some clothes for Matt. He had heard Casey asking himself the question why he had done what he did. The blonde firefighter turned around and took the t-shirt and jeans. He started to slowly dress, cautious not to aggravate the wound too much. It was still bleeding slightly, and Kelly held a new towel in front of Casey, who took it and put it tight around his hand.
"Still waiting for an answer," Kelly challenged his silent friend.
"It was an accident," Matt tried, but Kelly wasn't going to drop it.
"Oh really? An accident? Your fist fell into the mirror?" He asked with a hint of sarcasm.
Matt sighed and looked at Kelly, "What do you want me to say? That I punched the damn mirror?"
"If that's what happened. Yeah! I want you to say it and then to explain why!"
"I don't know why. It happened, okay! Can we please drop it and go to the hospital? It's starting to hurt," Casey said to put an end to the discussion of his actions, which he still had to comprehend himself.
"This isn't over! You can't keep going on like this. You have to talk to me, or somebody about your issues. Obviously, I can't help you, Matt. But something has to change."
"Listen, Kelly. I'm fine. I wasn't thinking clearly. I shouldn't have done it." He tried to play it down. "Can we go now?"
"Yes. Let's go! Med's probably swamped. It's going to be a while till we're back," Kelly sighed then he asked, "Or should I try calling Halstead. Maybe he's able to run by again?"
Matt looked at Kelly and said, "No. I've already taken to much of his free time. I don't want him to have to come back because of this little scratch. He deserves some time off, don't you think?" The truth was Matt didn't want Will to take care of him because he would put two and two together and it only would add fuel into his assumption of Matt being a nut-case. He also knew that he had to get treatment for his hand. The glass did cut severely and deep, and he would need some stitches. This wasn't just a scratch like he assessed it before.
To be honest, Casey was glad to have to go to the hospital because a conversation there would be less likely than if they would stay at home. He had to wrap his head around it before he would be able to answer Kelly's questions.
The ride to Chicago Med was spent in silence, and Matt felt still agitated. Casey thought about what had caused his outburst in the bathroom. He knew he had been upset about Wills implication that he had a drinking problem, but was it really enough to act like a lunatic and to smash his bathroom mirror? Matt had been angry about the fact that everyone was judging him and his actions lately, but sadly, they all did have a point to question him and his doings, he had to admit to himself. He couldn't do anything right anymore. Since when did he become such a loser and why? Was it because of Gabby or because of something else? He couldn't remember the last time he had been honestly happy. Maybe the time Gabby told him she was expecting, or maybe when they had started their little family with Louie. Matt definitely had been happy when he finally could marry his great Love. He would always cherish this day and the luck he had felt in this courthouse. Unfortunately, the day ended on a downside by learning out about Louie's father.
Matt looked out of the window and sighed. Kelly hadn't said anything since they got into the car and Casey could tell that he was pissed at him. He wanted to apologize to his friend who now had to drive him to the hospital that evening instead of being home watching some tv.
"I'm sorry," Matt mumbled. "I'm sorry you have to drive me to the hospital … again. And I'm sorry for being such an idiot lately."
Severide turned his head and looked surprised. He wanted to say something, but Matt stopped him before he was able to, "I know you're going to say that you don't mind it and that I'm having a hard time, and that we're all idiots from time to time. … I just wanted you to know that I don't take it for granted that you've stayed with me while I was sick."
Matt bowed his head and looked at his wrapped-up hand lying in his lap. It wasn't easy for him to actually say these words out loud, which he often had repeated in his mind this last couple of days.
Kelly was stunned at Matt's apology. He hadn't expected it, especially now after what happened just a few minutes ago. He tried to lighten up the mood and to reassure Matt that he wasn't holding any grudge against him. So, he joked and said, "Actually, I wanted to say: you should feel sorry for ruining my evening and you're not just an idiot, you're a stupid idiot." Matt nodded at him simply to let him know that he knew what Kelly was trying to do. Severide made a mental note to try to talk to Casey later that night. He had a feeling maybe today was the time when Matt finally was ready to open up and to actually tell him what was going on lately.
After a while, Casey tried to move his fingers and pain shot through it and up his wrist and along his forearm.
Kelly recognized his discomfort and pointed with his head at Matt's hand, "Does it hurt?"
"Like a bitch."
"We're almost there," Kelly said while doubling up the speed.
Casey was surprised and a bit disappointed as he recognized Will when he entered the small room the nurse had put Casey in. He was lucky and hadn't had to wait too long to get a doctor assigned, because the cut was deep, and the nurse had been worried the glass could have intersected some nerves or tendons.
Dr. Halstead sounded shocked as he saw his private-patient he was treating since last week, "Matt? What the hell happened?" He looked at the covered hand and then at Casey's face.
Matt faked a smile and tried to answer casually, "Mirror fell on my hand."
"And I'm supposed to believe that," the doctor asked with a raised eyebrow.
Matt just shrugged, "Does it really matter how I hurt it? Just stitch it up, and I'm outta here."
"Okay. Let's see with what we're dealing now."
Halstead lifted the bandage the nurse had applied temporarily. Matt had to stifle a hiss. "I guess it hurts like hell," the doctor stated as he recognized the tension radiating from his patient.
"Only if I move it," Matt hissed again but otherwise stayed calm.
"I hope it was worth it!" Halstead said incidentally. Matt didn't retort. "You're right this needs to be stitched," Will told him as he probed the bruised area and looked for any major nerve damage. "Can you move your fingers and make a fist for me please!" Matt did as he was told and hissed as a new wave of pain and tension shot thru his hand. Halstead noticed the stiffness, "Do you feel any kind of tingling or numbness to one of your fingers?" Casey shook his head. "Okay, that's good. I don't think you've damaged any nerves or tendons. But your hand is definitely bruised and sprained. The mirror must have hit you from far, far above to cause this kind of injury," Halstead decided to work with Matt's obvious lie. "I'd like to take an x-ray. I don't think it's broken, but now we have a reason to get you into radiology." Will smirked, "Looks like you did us a favor by hurting your hand."
"Glad to be some kind of help," Matt deadpanned.
"A nurse is going to clean out the wound and will get you up to radiology. I'll try to place the stitches afterward, or maybe some other doctor's getting by. We're actually kind of busy tonight. You need something for the pain?"
"Nah, I'm good, thanks."
Halstead accepted Matt's decision to refuse any pain meds, but he knew he had to apply some local anesthesia later while placing the stitches.
Severide stood at the nurse's station while waiting for Matt to be ready to go home. He talked with April earlier. She was as shocked and worried as Kelly when she heard what had happened. "He really needs to talk to someone. It's not healthy what he's doing to himself. There has to be a lot of anger and frustration in him."
"I'll try to talk to him later at home. Here isn't the right place. He just would feel ambushed and probably close up even more."
April nodded and said with honesty in her voice, "You're probably right. I hope he can get past his inner demons."
"I don't know, but in the car, on the ride here he thanked me for taking care of him these past couples of days, so I take it he's coming around in some way. Maybe now is the time he's ready to talk to me."
"Sounds like it. Maybe we were right, and he just needed some time. Deep down he knows that he has to confide in someone. And it's only obvious that you're his choice to go to. He trusts you." Then she leaned in further and whispered. „I could see it the night we were at his side after the alcohol incident."
"I'm trying my best. He would do the same for me. Actually, he has done it for me. And I've behaved something like an ass as well."
April hugged Kelly and said, "You've got this. I have to go back to work. You're welcome to hang out at the nurses' station, or you could use the break room if you want."
"Thanks, I'm good. I guess I'll wait here."
Kelly was lost in thoughts and was contemplating how he could help Casey feel comfortable talking to him when he heard a familiar voice call his name.
"Kelly? What the hell?" He turned around and saw Stella. "What you're doing here? I thought you and Casey are fishing?" She approached him, confusion and worry were written all over her face. "Did something happen? Are you hurt?" She looked at him trying to detect any slight injuries on him. As she didn't find anything wrong with him she finally sighed and asked worried, "Where's Casey?"
"Everything's fine. Don't worry," Severide took Stella in his arms and kissed her on the cheek. She let him do it even she was anxious to hear about what happened. She hugged him back and placed a slight kiss on his mouth. He then withdrew and looked at her. Now it was his turn to ask, "What are you doing here? And what's with the shirt?" Kelly noticed Stella wearing a Paramedic Shirt instead of her firefighter uniform.
"Don't ask." Kidd sighed. Kelly looked questioningly and frowned at her in the adorable way that she loved about him. She gave him the explanation, "I'm doing the Chief a favor. Brett can't accept any new partner Boden comes up with. And he's tired of having floaters around, so he asked me if I would step in."
"And of course, you did," he smirked.
"What choice do I have? And besides, it's not forever," she shrugged. "So, tell me why are you here? Something must have happened. It's Casey, isn't it?"
Kelly smiled at her then admitted, "He got his hand cut. It was a stupid accident really. It's not dramatic or anything, but I thought it's better to be safe than sorry. So, I brought him here."
She nodded, "Thank god it's nothing serious. Well, where is he?"
"I guess he's still up in radiology. Dr. Halstead wanted to be sure he didn't fracture something."
"Poor Casey! He's really an unlucky fellow lately. How did it happen anyway?"
"Like I said, stupid accident. He cut it with glass shards from an old window. We wanted to change one in my dad's cabin. I guess we weren't paying as much attention as we should have been," lied Kelly. He felt bad about it, but he didn't have any other option other than to make up a story. It was likely that Casey would return to work with a bandaged hand.
Stella, of course, believed him. After all, it was a plausible story. "I'm glad you're okay. And how are things going otherwise? How's Casey doing, besides mutilating his hand?"
Severide had to wince, at her way of putting it, but didn't show it, "Better. I hope he can go back to work soon."
Kidd nodded and looked at Kelly while asking, "Speaking of, are you coming back next shift? Your team misses you."
Severide returned her look and smirked at her, "Just my team?"
"No. Not just your team," Stella smirked and placed another light kiss on his mouth. He took in her scent, and he recognized just right now how much he had missed her these past few days. "I've missed you too," he whispered in her ear. They stood there smiling at each other, both beyond believe happy to see one another again finally. The young couple was aware of how badly they needed time together. Their little moment of unspoken intimacy was cut short when Brett came down the hall joining them, "Hey, Lieutenant. What are you doing here?"
"Casey had an accident," Stella told her partner before Severide got the chance to speak up. Sylvie covered her mouth with one hand in shock. Stella sensed her fear and quickly added, "But he's okay. He's in radiology at the moment. Just a precaution."
"Thank god!" Brett let out a breath of relief. "What happened?"
Kidd laughed lightly, "These two decorated firefighters thought they could change windows in an old house all by themselves."
"Hey," Kelly pouted and nudged her in her ribs. Stella let out a little squeak and laughed once more.
Brett smiled also, but eventually, she frowned and stated, "Isn't Casey in constructions?"
Kelly, even if he didn't have any reason to, felt suddenly caught off guard, but rational thinking kicked in, and he supported his lie with, "Hey, accidents happen. You two should know that better than anyone. Half of your clients almost kill themselves by doing something they're used to. Practice creates masters, apparently doesn't count for Matthew Casey."
"Oh no. That's mean, Lieutenant" Sylvie said as her radio announced a new call for them. "Give Casey our love. I'm afraid we have to go. See you!"
Kelly held Stella back and finally gave her a real kiss as he now recognized how desperately he wanted to be with her. She leaned into him and he sensed her longing too. But Stella let him go eventually when Brett urgently tugged at her shirt. "Sorry partner, we have work to do."
Kelly looked after Stella as she vanished out of his sight and out of the ED into the ambulance bay.
He sighed while he absently touched his lips, where he still could feel hers.