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After risking his life to infiltrate Facebank, Sonic the Hedgehog finds out that the Communists' hidden treasure is none other than Abraham Lincoln's long lost final resting place. But with the Backstreet Boys out for blood, will he survive long enough to find out the secret behind the Lincoln Memorial's reappearance?

Since the dawn of time, there have existed many artifacts said to grant unimaginable power to their users. Among these are the Chaos Emeralds, the Joker's Cards, the Dragon Balls, the Crystal Stars, and the holy corpse of Jon Arbuckle. However, none of these legendary treasures can compare to the magical power imbued within the seven gifts created by the god of the Americaverse, George Washington.

Following the demise of the Founding Fathers, these divine heirlooms have been passed down throughout the ages and have exchanged ownership hundreds of times. Many long and bloody wars have been fought over possession of them. But in the end, few were worthy enough to command their awe-inspiring strength and were instead driven mad whilst trying to call upon their limitless power.

However, if someone with an unclouded heart and mind were to possess all seven, he would gain godlike abilities that could rival even those of the Globalists that created the heavens and the earth. Not even death itself would be strong enough to stop such a person. The master of George Washington's gifts would be destined to stand at the top of the world, becoming flawless and untouchable in every way. Many have tried, but to this day none have been able to gather all seven together and ascend into godhood.

The gifts of Washington remain scattered across the patriotverse to this day. The first gift, an electric guitar forged in the flames of hell known as the "Communist-Slayer", is currently in the possession of Sonic the Hedgehog. Charles Darkley owns the second gift, a basketball made of machine guns dubbed "Slamzor." The MP3 player full of nightcore music was in the care of Philip "Zeke" Banks but has since been stolen. Abraham Lincoln was the former owner of the fourth gift, but it vanished mysteriously after his passing. Jon Arbuckle held the gift of divine lordship over all anime hentai and it is presumed to have been buried with him. The whereabouts of the final two gifts are still a mystery to even the most learned of American historians.

Some believe that there are still forces at work trying to gather all of George Washington's gifts together for their own selfish desires. And in the case of the shadowy organization known as the Harlem Globetrotters, they may be very close to achieving this goal...

AGE 2010 P.A. (Current Year, Team Sonic's Perspective)

The floor and ceiling palpitated wildly as a pair of hefty footsteps trudged towards the group from the blackness. A heavy, dark energy spread throughout the vault and filled the Americans' hearts with despair as they heard a voice echo from a mouth unseen.

"God bless America, land that I love, stand beside her and guide her…" The owner of the voice sang a hauntingly beautiful melody that shook the Americans to their core as he inched nearer. The man soon came to block all of the light of the doorway with his immense height and rippling muscles. Even Steve Buscemi seemed somewhat fearful of the menacing figure towering over them.

"Ha! Now that the boss is here, you damn fascist pigs don't stand a chance! Do you even know who you just picked a fight with? He's the last living member of the strongest bloodline in the history of the Americaverse! The ichor of the gods runs through his veins! He's a deadly weapon that strikes down all of his foes without compassion! He's the mad instrument of destruction that will cleanse this country of its filth and build a new world from the ashes! He is… Larry the Cable Guy!" Buscemi shouted at the top of his lungs, acting as his commander's hype man.

Steve moved behind the Cable Guy for protection and entered into his attack stance. "C'mon, Larry-sensei! These bourgeois crackers ain't shit to us! Lemme at 'em!" He sneered.

Sonic the Hedgehog narrowed his gaze, trying hard to remember who the Backstreet Boy addressing them was. Eventually, he gave up and turned to Trump, "Who is this dumb asshole, anyway? Should I know him?"

"D-D-Dumb asshole? Heh… that may've worked last time, but I've got thicker skin now! Ngh… sh-shitty insults like that won't bother me!" Steve Buscemi insisted despite the tears streaming down his face. Everyone is angry that Crazy Frog won't stop pissing on the toilet seat.

Larry the Cable Guy rested his hand on his subordinate's shoulder and shook his head, "Stay out of this fight, my child. These men are beyond your current strength to deal with. And if you died fighting a hopeless battle on my behalf, I would never be able to forgive myself. Don't worry; I promise you that I will make them pay for what they did to Brendan Fraser!"

"L-Larry-sensei…" Buscemi whimpered, deeply touched in his nether regions by the Cable Guy's kindness. He then saluted his master and retreated to another part of the bank. Donald Trump produced his flaming swords and bolted straight at Larry the Cable Guy while he was distracted. But before he could land a blow, Crazy Frog cleared the distance between them and roundhouse kicked him back to the ground.

Crazy Frog straddled his invisible motorcycle and accelerated towards Trump while he was dazed. Donald licked the blood from his lip and cooed with passion, "Mmm. Sei magnifico! Such prodigious strength! My cock is going to thoroughly enjoy burning you alive, fuckboy!"

Sonic folded his arms and let out a groan, "Hey, dicksleeve! That's my line! Only I can threaten to kill someone with my dick!"

Trump vaulted over the chopper and conjured hundreds of miniature brick walls to rain down upon the amphibian from above. Larry whistled in surprise as he watched the two duke it out, "Excellent! So you really are alive. I had heard that there were men that were resurrected by Adam Sandler's 'rebirth of the world', but this is my first time seeing one in person. Judging by your expression, it appears this information is new to you as well. How fascinating..."

"You... what are you talking about? Are you saying that you actually know how I came back to life after Americageddon?" Trump asked, unable to contain his shock. Truth be told, the mystery of his revival after his final fight on Wolfschanze had weighed heavily on him for some time. Getting sliced in half by Dwayne Johnson wasn't something that most men could so easily recover from.

Larry nodded, "Indeed. And I'm quite surprised that a man who has claimed to have waged war on Communism knows so little about its recent rise to power. On that fateful night, Adam Sandler took the godlike power of the McDemons and dispersed his consciousness across space and time. He essentially fused himself to the Americaverse itself. His Marxist energy still lingers to this day, granting us Communists greatly enhanced strength. Additionally, on the night after Americageddon, a miracle took place. Almost all of the socialists slain during that battle rose again! This was the final gift that Sandler sacrificed his life to give to us. Without his help, our empire would have never been able to conquer the United States so quickly."

"Adam Sandler... that jive-ass motherfucker! I remember Garfield telling me that he had fucked with reality, but I never could have imagined it was to this degree. Even after death that guy is a major pain in the dick," Sonic clenched his fists and growled. Jimmy Neutron decides to take a trip to Sneed's Feed and Seed.

Charles Darkley pushed the hedgehog aside to glare at Larry the Cable Guy. He snarled, "Nobody gives a shit about the past! All I care about now is getting revenge on you Backstreet bastards. I won't let anyone ever control me again! I'm not your slave any longer! This time, you're all going down!"

Donald Trump paused his fight with Crazy Frog to question his comment, "Revenge? I thought you were just here because you wanted to take over the Communist Empire. What are you hiding from us, Darkley-kun?"

"Oh, he hasn't told you about his sordid history? How duplicitous of him. You see, the Charles Darkley you know can't even be called a person. He's more like a puppet that's lost its strings. He was created by our top scientists from Charles Barkley's DNA as a tool to exterminate Americans. But ever since his 'birth', he's always been disobedient. They replaced over half of his brain with machinery, but yet he's still convinced he's a real person. He's such a fool that he actually thinks he has free will. Sad, wouldn't you agree?" Larry the Cable Guy mocked. Crazy Frog couldn't help but snicker as he watched the Round Mound of Rebound try to hold back tears.

"You poor, poor child. You're confused, Darkley. You're a mindless weapon of the Communists that's deluded himself into thinking he's human. But don't worry. We'll help you come back to your senses. You'll be much happier once we remove the rest of your brain and take away your free will! But first, you can stand by and watch while we slaughter your comrades in the glorious name of Communism," Larry continued to ridicule him in the same emotionless voice. However, he was forced to change his tone when he heard a menacing growl bellow from the other side of the room, "This is my 「Last Resort」!"

"Take back what you said about Darkley, you Monroe Transfer-loving MOTHERFUCKER!" His strength now greatly enhanced by his Patriotic Drive ability, Sonic flew at Larry the Cable Guy and launched a fuckfurious barrage of punches and dick slaps upon him. He then finished his attack by pounding Larry's face into a bulkhead with such force that it rattled the entire floating bank.

"That American's face... was that Adolf Hitler? No, that can't be possible..." Larry muttered as he rose from the rubble. He made use of the technique he had demonstrated during their first encounter to move behind Sonic at an impossibly fast speed. The hedgehog blocked the Cable Guy's surprise attack from behind without a second to spare. If he had raised his arms to guard himself even a single second later, Larry's fist would have taken off his entire head.

The Cable Guy continued to rush at Sonic at the same electric speed and bombard him with his strongest attacks. It took every bit of strength that Sonic could muster just to guard his frenzied onslaught, and launching a counter attack against him was completely out of the question. However, just as the American warlord's strength began to fade, Charles Darkley launched his basketball at him and sent the blue collar comedian rolling across the room. Sonic the Hedgehog starts taking art classes so he can learn how to draw breasts.

A wave of dark energy resembling the sash of a Buddhist Nio statue formed around the back of Charles Darkley's jersey as he activated his own Patriotic Drive ability, which he had dubbed 「Quad City DJ's」. But instead of following up his attack on Larry the Cable Guy, the vengeful baller lunged at Sonic instead.

Sonic leapt backwards before his attack could connect. He let out a shout while in mid-air, "Hey, Darkley! The hell do you think you're doing, you greasy onahole? I'm on your side!"

Sir Charles ignored his interjection and launched another slam dunk with the intent of killing him. Sonic quickly rolled out of the way and whacked his bald head with the back of his guitar, briefly stunning him. Larry the Cable Guy merely held his ground and watched intently as the two sworn brothers turned on each other for reasons unknown. Even Snow Miser seemed to be shocked by his master's behavior.

The murderous sportsman soon rose to his feet and cracked a bloodthirsty smile, "What am I doing? I'm just following through with what I was programmed to do, daddy-O. There's no redeeming a stone cold bastard like me, so you might as well just forget it. I was made for the sole purpose of killing patriots like you! And just because we have a common enemy in the BSB doesn't change that. It's just so much easier if I kill both of my greatest enemies now and get it over with! This alliance is OVER!"

"I know you don't mean any of that shit, Darkley. What's come over you all of a sudden?" Sonic questioned. He continued to evade as his former partner pelted him with his mightiest dunk shots and backboard-shattering strikes. Sparks of electricity engulfed the two sweaty warlords as Spalding basketball and electric guitar clashed ceaselessly, creating massive shock waves that threatened to destroy the entire bank.

Meanwhile, Garfield bided his time on the surface of the ruined world below Facebank. He held several bouquets of roses and rested each of them before a row of gravestones at his feet. The planet's terrain was in fact almost completely covered with graves commemorating the warriors that had died in the horrific conflict that had befallen this remote world long ago. He then knelt down and wiped the dirt from one of the 1,488 memorial plaques, revealing the name of none other than Guy Fieri.

"The Communist homeworld, huh? I never thought I'd have to come back here again. I suppose it's only fitting that the same place where the Biker Brethren met their demise is where Sonic and I will have our final battle. Michael Jordan, Guy Fieri, Abe Lincoln, everyone... please forgive me for tarnishing your legacy this way. But I can't afford to look back now. I'm going to strike down Sonic the Hedgehog on this field of a million crosses and lay him to rest beside you!" Garfield shouted impotently at the sky.

Garfield took out his shovel and began work on digging an extra grave beside the ones of his compatriots. He placed its accompanying headstone in the ground, which read, "Here lies Sonic the Hedgehog, the last of the Biker Brethren. May he rest in peace."

With the Backstreet Boys, Mark Zuckerberg, and Charles Darkley all determined to destroy them, the Neo Biker Brethren's greatest battle was about to begin...