Barba asks a few more simple questions, but none of them really interest me...I sit in my seat, almost oblivious to the comfort Olivia is trying to provide me...until she asks if I want to leave...I can only shake my head vehemently...as Buchanan steps up to the witness stand.
"You claim to have heard a version of what had previously transpired...and you would have classed yourself as friendly with the woman who made the accusations against my client?" Buchanan asks softly, his disbelief already evident in his understated words...
"We didn't socialize outside of work, but yes, we were friendly...and I used the word 'version' because I heard most of the details from third parties, all I heard directly from her, about what he did previously, was that he had 'hurt' her, and that she didn't want to be left alone on site with him..."
I watch Buchanan's face twist in confusion...
"But yet you had no worries about her safety?"
John seems to shrink under the subtle accusation...
"Surely if you really believed her, you would have been concerned for her?" the lawyer continues...
Despite how little we have really discussed this...I am aware that John feels immense guilt for not understanding the very real danger I faced...and Buchanan is very consciously, playing on that guilt...
"Even though I knew he had hurt her before, I never thought for a second she was still in danger from him ...I've never spoke to her again, about what happened all those years ago, but I never doubted that he hurt her...I suppose I didn't understand...I assumed he had learned to leave her alone..."
"So you thought she was being overly dramatic?" Buchanan interprets...
"NO!" John fires back... "She always understates injuries and any bad experiences, if anything. I understood she was afraid of him, I felt that fear was earned, valid...I just didn't think he would be stupid enough to ever hurt her again...especially not when we were all so close...I just didn't understand..."
The words have barely left his mouth, and he can see he has said something he shouldn't have...
"It would be extremely stupid of my client to hurt her...wouldn't it? Buchanan says more to the jury than to the witness...
John tries to salvage it... "But he did..."
Buchanan will not be bested though, "Or so she says...you didn't see the beginning of this 'encounter' did you?"
John reluctantly admits that he didn't...
"You also, can't say for certain, that she didn't ask for, or enjoy, the encounter...?"
"She was crying, and injured..." John counters quickly...
"When she saw she had an audience to play to..." Buchanan mutters, immediately withdrawing the comment as Barba begins to object...
"Have you ever had sexual contact with the woman in question?" the defense lawyer demands coldly...
John is visibly shocked by the question, "No!"
"So you have no idea if the sounds you heard her make, were in fact, sounds of enjoyment...sounds of pleasure...?"
"She was saying 'No!'..." John says incredulously...
"But was that 'No' actually a request for my client not to stop pleasuring her...?"
John can only gape at the lawyer...open mouthed...
"You've always had a soft spot for her, haven't you?"
John looks to Barba, taking a deep breath before answering, and I can only guess that this is something that my lawyer had predicted, as John answers...
"I'm not sure what you mean by that, but we are friends, I've always admired her...we work in a very male industry, but yet she wins everyone's respect by not asking for any special treatment, by treating everyone well, by caring about people without being 'soft'...she's very good at what she does and is well liked and respected..."
"You spend a lot of time with her, are you sexually attracted to her?" Buchanan asks quickly...
Barba is immediately on his feet, "Your Honor! That is completely irrelevant!"
Buchanan counters, "No your Honor, it's not...the witness' feelings towards the person on whose behalf he is testifying, are very germane..."
Again Barba retorts, "Your Honor, the witness is not testifying on anyone's behalf he is merely testifying to what he witnessed..."
Not to be outdone Buchanan persists, "But the context of what he saw is clearly colored by his perception...his feelings for the..."
"Enough! Counselors!" the judge admonishes both men, "Mr. Barba I will allow the question. Mr. Buchanan tread carefully...!"
"Are you sexually attracted to her?" Buchanan repeats...
"She is an attractive woman..." John tries to crawl out of the question...
"You didn't answer the question; are you sexually attracted to her?" the defense attorney repeats with some impatience...
I won't look at him, but I can feel John's eyes on me...
"Yes..." he reluctantly admits...
Once again, his words cause me to question everything...I had felt so comfortable with this man...I had never felt threatened...I had never felt like he was seeing me as anything other than a friend...
I try not panic as I consider all the times, he held me...all the time I spent alone with him...all the times I trusted him...
I can't even begin to reconcile the idea that he could have been considering me as a potential bedmate...
It feels like a huge betrayal...like this fact has changed everything he has done for me...
"So you would be bothered by her choosing to have sex with another man?" Buchanan probes mercilessly...
"No! She has no interest in me!" John answers a little too fast...
"But it would make you more open to believing she had been forced into the sexual activity you interrupted, rather than she was enjoying a risky 'quickie'...?"
Again John is quick to refute the claim, but his gullibility has probably already been established, in at least some of the juror's minds...
"You were very clear in telling us, the sight of my client's naked and erect penis enraged you...so enraged you, that you assaulted him?"
"Because I witnessed him raping her..." John insists...
"Or because you witnessed a man doing what you wanted to do...having exuberant sex with the woman you were attracted to...?" Buchanan pushes...
"That wasn't sex! That was rape!"
"Why? Because he wasn't whispering sweet nothings to her, as you would...?" the lawyer taunts...
"No!" John snaps, his anger finally flooding out in his venom laced words, "...because he was holding her down, ignoring her pleas for him to stop, hurting her..."
"Or he was giving her exactly what she wanted, a break from being the in-control, respected, leader you describe...he was pleasuring her in a way that she was pleading with him not to stop...holding her down as she asked him to...pushing into her harder, faster...as she had been demanding only moments before..." the defense attorney insists, all pretense at softness gone..."How long did you watch my client having sex for...before you interrupted?"
John thinks, "It took a minute, maybe two...to process what I was watching...before I pushed him off her..."
"A minute!...That's not very long to garner all the detail you described...unless you had approached the scene with an already set interpretation of anything you would see...You said you wanted to make sure that something hadn't fallen on her...isn't it true you approached the scene with the intention of being the 'white knight' coming to her aid? To try to make yourself a more desirable prospect...?" Buchanan goads...
"No!" John contradicts weakly...
"But yet it was you, not the alleged victim who sought out medical help...you, once more, and not the alleged victim, who called the police...?"
"She was in shock, hurt...she didn't refuse the help...she just wasn't able to ask for it..." John says resolutely...
He really believes he is telling the truth...and I know he never meant to hurt me...but are his words really true?
Was it too hard to admit what had just been done to me? Was I already in denial, about the affect of the violation of my body, glad to have the difficulty of asking for help, taken from my overburdened shoulders... or had I made a decision on how I wanted to handle what I had been subjected to, that was ignored and cast aside in favor of what John felt was more suitable?
I have struggled with the feeling that this whole investigation was somehow beyond my control...that it didn't ever really feel like it was my choice...is that because the man on the witness stand did actually take that choice from me?
"She would have refused to be examined or interviewed if it wasn't what she wanted..." John continues...
The old me would have...there would have been no way I would have allowed something I didn't want...but the woman who hobbled into that hospital...whose hips felt like they had been wrenched out of their sockets, who felt like she couldn't even protect her own body...the woman who couldn't stop a man from stripping her and shoving his disgusting body into her...she just wanted it to be over...she grabbed the offer of redemption with both hands...wanting to prove that she was strong enough...that she wasn't weak...she took the challenge, battling the worry that she couldn't do it...without ever considering whether she actually wanted to do it...
Dave Smith raped me...but maybe my friend pushed me into this...?
"Or she couldn't think of any explanation as to why she was having sex with the man she had previously brought grievous charges against, other than to cry rape...and conveniently, you, the man who discovered her 'in flagrante delicto' were so blinded by your own attraction to her, you were very easily swayed to her version of events? Twisting what you saw to fit the narrative she provided...?" the lawyer finishes with a shaking head...
"No!" John persists, "No! She gave me no narrative, I know what I saw..."
As Buchanan heads back to his seat, I flee towards the exit, before the judge can discharge John, so I am not forced to come face to face with the man I promised to talk to...
Once more I take refuge in the only place none of the men I want so desperately, to avoid, can follow...the ladies restroom.
As always Olivia is only a few steps behind me... "Talk to me?" she entreats softly...as I tuck myself into the corner, as far from the door as I can manage...
The last thing I want to do is talk, but yet the words tumble out of my mouth...
"John ignored what I wanted...I didn't want this...it was never how I wanted to handle it...he pushed me into this torture..."
"Do you really feel that way?" she questions...
I nod quickly..."All that time, in the hospital, I was battling the idea that I couldn't do it...I felt so weak...because I couldn't do it...but I never thought about whether I wanted to do it...John brought me to the hospital, when I didn't want to go...John called you...when I didn't want him to..."
"I can understand that you didn't want to go to the hospital, or to have the police called...it's a horrible experience to go through, especially after what you had already suffered...but didn't you tell me, that you needed to know you were worth standing up for...and that's why you did what you thought you would never do...by allowing the rape exam and the complaint to be filed with the police?" Olivia asks with no hint of judgment... "I can see why his words would make you angry. How it may feel like a betrayal, but he was right too, wasn't he, that somewhere inside you it made it that little bit easier, that you didn't have to make those decisions?"
I hate that my head bobs up and down in answer, but she never allows me to feel embarrassed at the emotions that seem to constantly be in flux...
"When I was assaulted..." she tells me lightly, "I was taken to the hospital when I was found...it wasn't a choice...neither was the involvement of my colleagues...they were the ones who found me...and I struggled with it for a very long time...I wished that I could have kept it all secret...that everyone didn't know...but the truth is I needed medical care...and even though I hated it, I wasn't capable of making my own choice in that moment...I guess I made my choice later...when I wouldn't accept a plea deal, and took my case to trial...Barba was my lawyer too...he was also my friend...and sometimes I hated him...but he was always there for me...as was my partner...and Fin..."
"He ignored me pleading to just go home..." I sob bitterly...discarding the explanations to focus on what is causing my distress...
"And now you question what else he would ignore your wishes on...?"
That is the crux of my issue...what else is he capable of disregarding my wishes on?...
She waits in silence...until I can vocalize my fear...
"He doesn't see me as a friend...what if he...?"
"He does see you as a friend! He is your friend! From everything I have seen, he just wants to be there for you...that hasn't changed! But I can understand the fear...despite what Buchanan is trying to convince the jury, you did not want what was done to you...you did nothing to suggest to Dave Smith that you wanted him to touch you..."
She allows her words to sink in before continuing...
"I know how scary it is to have someone see you as a sexual being, when that feels like a threat...to worry that every tiny action will be misinterpreted...that you will find yourself being hurt again..."
Once more she has put her finger exactly on the feelings bubbling inside me...
"But he is the same man that has been there for you...nothing has changed in him, except that you now know he finds you attractive...You told me you both promised to talk about his testimony...talk to him!...tell him how you feel betrayed...listen to him...I'd bet, he probably thought you already knew he found you attractive...and that he has accepted that you have no interest in him, but he is glad to have you as a friend..."
The tears speed up at that prediction...
"Nobody could be attracted to me...especially after seeing that..."
This seems to give her pause... "Are you attracted to him?"
I shake my head. "Maybe once, there was a possibility...but no! I just don't think I can trust him now...whether he meant to or not...he pushed me into something I didn't want to do...and he feels like more of a threat now..."
"Has he changed in the last hours? Or have you?" she prompts thoughtfully...
"I don't know..." I admit "But I don't want to talk to him...not now...he saw so much more than I thought..."
She checks her watch, "I'd be surprised if court is not adjourned for the day...let me take you home?"
I gratefully accept the offer, knowing she will also help me deal with John...
I throw water on my puffy face before we step into the hallway...
John is sitting on the bench outside, waiting with Fin...
"I'm so sorry!" he rushes, as soon as he sees me...but the quiet detective puts a gentle hand on his arm...stopping him from running towards me...
"I didn't know...you saw... so much..." I mutter awkwardly...desperate to postpone the hardest discussion...
"I didn't..." he starts but once more Fin puts a calming hand on his arm, silently urging him to listen, rather than talk...so John immediately stops, nodding to me to continue...
"Buchanan twists everything..." I try to assure...but it seems we both know that Buchanan has little to do with the uneasiness that sits between us...
I slip into silence...
"I'm assuming we're adjourned for the day?" Olivia asks her partner, to which he simply nods.
"I'm going to drive her home..." she adds quickly.
This time John ignores the Detective's subtle reminder not to push..."I can bring you home..."
"I need some time..." I find myself pleading, hating the weakness I can hear in my voice... "I know I promised we will talk...but I can't...not now...I need some time..."
"What..." he starts, but the Detective clears his throat, silencing John once more...
"Can I call you later?" he says after a moment's hesitance...
I feel positively evil, as I tell him to leave it until tomorrow...and his face falls.
Olivia begins to guide me away, but I can't leave the man who has been so good to me, without a word...
"I know today was really hard for you too...thank you...I just need some time..."
He nods at me, "But it changes things?" he asks quietly...
"But it changes things..." I echo reluctantly...
"Ok! I'm here if you want to talk...anytime..." he says , his voice breaking with emotion... "Look after yourself..."
"You too..." I whisper back as I flee, before my own feelings get the chance to overwhelm me...
As I walk away, I can hear him break down..."I really thought I was doing the right thing..."
I look to Olivia in horror, the overheard words almost crippling me, but she urges me to keep moving..."You need some time, it is not selfish to take it...he'll be ok, Fin is with him..."
As we get into her car I can't keep the burning question from my lips..."How can Fin comfort him...against that...?"
"Because Fin knows what it is like to battle between doing the right thing for a friend, and the right thing by the law..."
She doesn't explain her words, and I don't ask...they reassure me, without fully understanding them...just knowing that Fin has some inkling of the difficulties of the choice John made, is enough...
It slowly dawns on me, that was the true reality of the choice that he faced, doing as I wanted, not seeing a doctor and going home...or bringing me to the hospital, and calling the police to report the crime that had taken place, which was legally the right thing...once more Olivia has managed to articulate the things I am struggling to process...
It is odd that even as I'm in the midst of a trial, the word crime doesn't seem to fit what brought me here...it is as incongruous to me, as the word rape...both describe the events accurately, but yet neither seem a good fit...I have to consciously remind myself that what happened was a crime...
"I don't know what he should have done..." I finally admit to the only person in the world, I think I could say those words to...
"I'm not sure there was a right choice..." she agrees...
"So how can I hold it against him, if he lost no matter what he did?" I ask in desperation...
"Because it is how you feel..." she answers, as if it is the most natural thing in the world... "You had your choice taken from you, by Dave Smith...and if that's how you feel about John's choice to pressurize you into seeking medical treatment and reporting what happened to the police, you need to figure out if you can forgive his disregard for your wishes...regardless of his intentions..."
"What if I can't?" I ask in dread...but she doesn't respond, leaving me to answer my own question..."It means I don't trust him..."
"I think I do trust him...but it's a big thing...?" I continue after a few moments...
"It is a big thing!" she echoes, "and if you pretend it's not, it will come between you..."
She drops me off at home, with a reminder that she is there if I need to talk, but I assure her that I am going to group...I'll be fine...that I will see her in the morning...
A/N Thank you very much to spazey for the follow...it means so much to have any sort of feedback...
Shootthephoto; I also wonder how many people are hiding the effects of something like this...whether they saw it, experienced it or are trying to help someone through it...I think we are still very much in the early stages of lifting the covers off this subject. It is hard to talk about...for everyone...I can only hope that people like Mariska Hargitay and organizations like Joyful Heart can help us, as a society, in dealing with all aspects of the issue...
I do think somehow there is still doubt that you could possibly 'forget' any detail of something so horrible, but it is exactly as you say...sometimes we focus on one thing, whether it is to protect ourselves or it just takes our brains that bit longer to process it...there is still some traces of things we missed during that time, but they don't play a leading role in our recollection...I think in the OC's case, she was so focused on trying to put it behind her, to believe it was over, that she was safe, that she couldn't allow herself to see that even though he had been physically removed from her, it wasn't quite over...
I too feel for John...he has been so good to her and it is only now we begin to really see what he experienced, and what he has been battling with...and perhaps like the jury and even the OC to some degree, we are beginning to see the full attack more clearly...Thank you as always for reading and for the engagement with the story and me...it means more than I can ever hope to explain...
MrsChilton; I do think that John's testimony will help the OC's case...and unfortunately the very genuine upset he also demonstrated, will also hopefully help kick home the very real effects to the jury...
I do feel for John, it has to have been so horrible for him to have seen that...and I liked that his initial instinct was so innocent...that something had fallen...its almost impossible to imagine how it could have been what he was confronted with...
I think I have deliberately done it, that the whole story is still only coming out...I think it is pretty true to life...I think there are things that the OC wouldn't have been able to process, and things that she or John didn't want to say in court...I'm not sure that ALL of the details of something like this ever come out publicly, but definitely the picture is being added to with John's testimony...
I do think it is normal to react as the OC did but I also think the self-doubt is very normal...I have the utmost respect for John that he took her to get the medical help she needed but I can also see how scary the loss of control was for her...I think it is only because of Liv and Fin and John's support that she can sit through this...she is strong but it wouldn't be possible to not be terribly affected by hearing all of this...Thank you for the consistent reviews and the open conversation...it means so much...