Chapter Twenty Five – Rotten to the Core
*note: I wrote this years ago and somehow missed posting it. After realizing my story was no longer in order I didn't have the heart to continue posting. I have decided to post tehse, without editing or changing them, just to say I have finished my fanfiction. Please enjoy and sorry for the wait -- Rochelle*
Lily slipped through the portrait hole into the Head's Common Room, hoping that James wouldn't still be awake. He had a tendency to wait for her to return, no matter how late it was.
Thankfully he was nowhere in sight and the only movement in the shared common room was the barely flickering fire in the grate. Lily was able to make her way through the shifting shadows to her room without any interrogation or irate exchanges that had become the theme of her encounters with James.
It seemed that even after all these months James still felt he had a claim to her life. Nothing that she did discouraged him. By monitoring his schedule and working around it, and keeping a closed mouth when she did see him, Lily was able to reduce any contact between the two of them.
It had helped her considerably, for seeing him caused a dull ache to twist at her heart, leaving her angry and confused.
Of course, there were still the times that she didn't remember but knew happened when she came home completely wasted, but what she couldn't recall couldn't hurt her.
Lily changed quickly into a silky nightgown and moved to the bathroom to wash up for the night. After brushing her teeth and washing her face, she found herself staring at her reflection in the mirror.
This time, her image was well put together, other than the slightly tousled hair from the night breeze. There was no evidence of the wild-eyed, chaotic girl that had stared back at herself with such hatred and disgust the night that Sirius had brought her to James. Instead of the angry hung over eyes there were slightly sad, contemplative eyes, shadowed but calm.
This time she might not be subject to the anger and humiliation of the previous encounter, but at least that time she hadn't remembered any of the things that had troubled her so greatly. Tonight she could remember everything. The betrayal of James, the loss of her parents, her isolated state of being, her inability to live a natural life, and her struggle with her very own being.
Which was the better of the two, she wasn't sure.
Sunday morning dawned bright and clear with fiery rays of sunlight streaking their way across Lily's bedchambers. She reluctantly pulled herself out of the warmth of her comforters, rubbing her eyes as she reached for her lime green bathrobe.
The robe was one of her only remaining bright articles of clothing, having brought mostly grays, blacks, and navy blues to school with her. Somehow buying a new robe had escaped her to do list and she was forced to wear the cheery item, no matter how ill suited to her mood it was.
This morning however, Lily felt a sense of wonder at waking up early on a weekend morning without a hangover. When she poked her head into the common room, it was clearly evident James shared this view as well.
He was sprawled out on the floor near the fireplace reading the Daily Prophet. When he saw her he gave a start in surprise.
"Good morning," he greeted her politely, eyebrows raised.
Lily nodded her head slightly and ducked back into her room. She quickly threw on a pair of tight gray pants and a black sweater and readied herself for breakfast. She wasn't hungry, but the Great Hall would provide a welcome escape from James. Weekends were always long drawn out affairs, full of time to sit and stare at the wall while avoiding James and other moralizing people. Nighttime proved the only relief, when Lily would stay out for all hours of the night before coming back to crash into deep dreamless sleep. She would sleep the mornings away, but would always have the afternoons to fill, which she never did.
Once she would have spent her time in Hogsmeade with Alice, Marlene, Dorcas, and Emmeline, but she found herself turning down their invitations, until finally they stopped coming. Solitude was best, for nobody truly understood her thoughts and emotions, and she was always afraid that they would escape and leave her naked and bare for all to see.
Through isolation she could keep herself under control, could monitor the pain and sorrow. When she needed relief, she found it in the presence of the people who cared for her the least of all. It was much safer that way.
After grabbing a slice of toast and a small goblet of pumpkin juice, Lily slowly made her way back to the Head's quarters. She hadn't been around much on weekend mornings, and didn't know how James spent his time. Perhaps he had already left to be with his friends.
If only she were so lucky. James had hardly moved a muscle when she walked back into the room.
"Back so soon?" he asked.
Lily ignored him and continued on her way to her room. Suddenly, moving at a speed hardly imaginable, James was standing front of her, eyes blazing.
"Are you even in there, Lily? Is anyone home in that empty shell?"
Lily felt a knot of tension form in her stomach and she clenched her hands into tight fists.
"Damn it, Lily. I talk to you and it's like you're not even there! I feel like I'm talking to a statue. It's not just with me, either. You go around staring holes into nothingness and act like you can't hear or see anyone else."
"Oh believe me, Potter. I'm in here, although I would most definitely like to be somewhere else at the moment," Lily sneered, her face cold and impassive.
James's hazel eyes glared at her, his black hair rumpled as always and his body quivering with anger.
"It's like this terrible imitation of you is walking around, trying to fool everyone that it's you. I don't believe it."
"So complimentary, Potter. I'm not an imitation of myself, terrible or otherwise. I am and always will be me, Potter, and you need to learn to deal with it. I don't fit myself to suit what others expect me to be, I am only myself."
"Nobody changes this drastically from one year to the next. You're acting like a completely different person, Lily. Why do you have to act like someone you're not?"
"I don't need to listen to your shit. This is me, hate it or love it." Lily tried to push her way past James but he was unyielding.
"I won't let you do this to yourself, Lily. Let me help you."
"Potter, don't you get it? I don't need your help. I'm the exact same person I was last year. This is who I've always been.
"Situations change, and now you're seeing me in a different light. Without the pleasant circumstances, you see the barebones, honest version of me." She paused to breathe a little, then continued, maintaining her cold, even tone. "The apple may have been bright, shiny, and appealing, but deep down the core was always rotten." Lily stared up at James with as little emotion as possible, trying to convey her complete sense of apathy towards him.
James stared back at her in horror.
"No…" he whispered.
"Sorry to burst your bubble, Potter. If you ever imagined be to be anything else other than myself, the blame lies on your side, not mine. I've never been anything other myself. It's only others who in their own minds twisted me into something I never was, and now when they see the truth, can't take it," Lily went on harshly. "So don't try to hold me responsible."
James stood there, his face white and his eyes wide. When Lily impatiently made her way around him, he remained stock-still, unable to fully absorb her words.
Lily hurried into her room and locked the door. What a way to start a day. No wonder she didn't usually wake up this early; mornings were hell.
James slowly walked away from Lily's bedroom door, her cold words echoing in his head. She couldn't mean it, could she?
Lily wasn't rotten, he knew that much. She was confused. Upset. Hurting. It was hard for James to watch her hurt herself like she was, but she was so adamant against receiving help. And now after she had told him how she felt, he was shocked.
Couldn't she see that it was only a matter of leaving the sadness behind and learning to move on? That the pain in her life didn't need to be there? Lily seemed to believe that the empty version of herself was the true version.
Could she be right? No…James mentally kicked himself for even thinking it. He had known her for so long, and for a period of time, so intimately, that he would have known. No matter what Lily said, she hadn't always been this way. She had changed.
What could he do? Every one of his efforts to help her turned out useless, his interference disastrous.
There was only one person who would know what to do. Remus. James tried to think of where Remus would be.
The Gryffindor Common Room. It had been too long since he'd been in there last.
Remus was playing a game of wizard's chess against Sirius, in the process of kicking Sirius's butt, when James burst through the entrance of the common room.
James appeared normal, but to Remus's trained eye his friend was extremely upset. His eyes were abnormally hard and he was ever so slightly chewing his bottom lip. In addition, it had been ages since James had come to the common room; he seemed always busy with Head's duties along with his Quidditch Captain responsibilities.
"James, long time, no see!" Sirius called with a carefree smile. Since James's didn't share a dormitory with the boys anymore, they hadn't spent as much time together recently, but their bond was too deep and too old to break easily. Even tense encounters while carrying home a wasted Lily were quickly put behind them.
James pulled up a chair to the table where they sat and moodily stared at the chessboard. Remus didn't say anything but instead focused on his next move. Sirius bit immediately though.
"So, what's bothering you, Prongs?" he asked, wincing slightly when Remus captured one of his knights. "Another fight with our beloved Lily?"
James glared at him. Sirius knew him too well; it was impossible to hide anything from him. When he saw Remus's patient eyes turned towards him, he knew that Remus had noticed his troubled state as well.
"It's Lily," he sighed. "She's driving me crazy and I don't know what to do."
"Sounds like a talk better held in private," Sirius said, gesturing to the stairs to the boys' dormitory. "C'mon, Prongs."
The three boys made their way up to the old dormitory that they had once all shared. James sprawled out on Sirius's bed, Sirius on Remus's, and Remus sat on the floor between the two beds.
"What happened?" Remus asked, speaking for the first time. James closed his eyes and quickly relived the entire argument, and then proceeded to tell his two friends exactly what had happened.
Remus and Sirius listened without interruption through the entire tale. When James finished and looked at the them with eyes full of confusion and yearning, they gave each other quick sidelong glances.
"Okay, James, here's what you need to do…" Sirius began, rolling over onto his stomach and propping himself up on his elbows so he could look James in the eye.