Disintegration

The feelings that awoke in him during their trip to New Vulcan did not abate upon their return to San Francisco as he had hoped; if anything they intensified. Selas now found himself placed in a very difficult position. He was daily confronted with Rebecca's presence which was the very thing he wanted, only Paul was also present 65.61% of the time. That their happiness was apparent to everyone simply tortured him more.

150 Greenleaf Street, San Francisco, 2287.330, 1223 hours. The Thanksgiving gathering the previous year was so successful that Mama offered to host again and everyone jumped to accept the invitation. This time, however, the group was expanded to accommodate some of Mama and Sa-mekh's professor friends as well.

Rebecca finished munching on her carrot stick. "Aunty Ny, what is in this dip?"

"It's a creamy peanut ginger dip," his mother replied as she arranged some plates on the coffee table before him. "I found the recipe in one of Spock's mother's cookbooks. Why, do you like it?"

"Mmhmm. It's so good I can't seem to stop myself!" As if to prove her point she rose from her seat and helped herself to some more hors d'oeuvres. Mama thanked her for the compliment then retreated to the kitchen to check on the meal. In the opposite corner of the room Jeffrey appeared to be having a highly entertaining discussion with Markus, Jamas, Emilia and Melissa (if the frequent laughter was anything to go by) while Sa-mekh stood nearer the fireplace deep in talks with some of the adults. Selas attempted to focus on either conversation but found he could not.

"Come here you." Rebecca squealed with delight as Paul pulled her onto his lap. A fit of giggles and a short play tussle followed during which Selas let his imagination fill in the blanks. They were keeping things relatively tame but the presence of their superiors could not completely tamp their ardor. He listened as Paul kissed her long and hard and he squirmed uncomfortably in his seat. "There. Now my breath smells all peanuty and gingery too."

Unable to take the very vocal display of affection any longer Selas retreated to the kitchen under the pretense of assisting his mother. He discovered her standing over the stove. "Hey Sweetheart. You need something?"

"No, thank you. I am here to inquire as to whether you need any help."

"That's nice of you to offer but I seem to have everything well in hand."

He grimaced internally before feeling along the counter and discovering a tray of used dishware sitting next to the sink. "Perhaps I may start washing the plates before they grow more numerous?"

"Go right ahead if you want." Selas rolled up his shirt sleeves and prepared to go to work while his mother set up the strainer beside the sink. "Your friends seem to be having a nice time."

He ran his finger under the tap to test the temperature of the water. "Indeed they are."

"And Paul and Becca look happy together."

Selas bit back a grimace and hoped she did not notice. "Indeed they are."

"How long have they been dating again?" Mama asked.

"They have been dating for the last 79.69 days."

He listened as she stopped stirring the stuffing and put down her spoon. "Is everything alright?"

It was better to answer with another question than answer outright. "Why do you ask?"

"I don't know, you just seem a little put out."

Selas turned in her direction. "I assure you I am fine." He was not lying; fine had variable definitions making it's use acceptable in this case. Mama did not prod any further and continued about her work.

Starfleet Academy, San Francisco, 2288.343, 1741 hours. He returned late to his room having spent an additional 1.25 hours speaking with Professor Ventura in her office after class. As the door drew back Selas was greeted by the faint but distinctive scent of Paul's cologne and he listened to his roommate move steadily about the room getting ready. The complex emotions he had been unsuccessfully repressing since New Vulcan made his chest burn and constrict.

"You are going out this evening with Rebecca?"

"Yeah." Paul crossed the room to his dresser and smoothed out his hair with his hand. "Got a reservation at a little Italian place across town, then I thought we'd do dessert at Ghiradelli. It's tourist-y but what can I say? She likes it. Anyway I'd promise to bring you something back but…"

"I do not consume chocolate."

His friend laughed. "No you don't." Paul took a step back. "Do you mind takin' a peek and telling me if I look ok? I don't want to…" his voice trailed off and Selas stepped forward and took hold of his forearm. The dark hair on Paul's head was slicked down to a smooth shine, his brown eyes were clear and his face blemish free. As for his outfit he wore a black button down shirt, black dress shoes, and gray slacks, achieving a sophisticated look.

Selas felt a snarl catch in the back of his throat. Highly alarmed he quickly relinquished his friend's arm then composed himself as best he could. "You are adequately dressed."

Paul slapped him good naturedly on the back then moved off toward his desk. "That's high praise coming from you. Thanks, buddy." With a chuckle he added, "Don't wait up."

The teasing allusion to sexual relations with Rebecca made Selas react without thinking and he reached out and nerve pinched Paul before fully considering the implications of his actions. The encounter ended 2.85 seconds later as his roommate slumped unconscious to the ground with nothing but a dull thud. Stepping over his friend's body Selas quickly exited the room.

He approached her door with sure steps, certain that Rebecca would see the situation as he did once he explained himself. Ringing the chime once Selas felt the pressure in his chest build again, only this time in anticipation.

"Oh, hey Selas, come on in." Rebecca was already turning away as she spoke; judging by the light metallic sounds he heard he surmised she was accessorizing her outfit with various (and to him unnecessary) pieces of jewelry for her evening out. As the door shut behind him he felt the weight in his torso ease significantly.

"Greetings, Rebecca." He turned toward her roommate's desk where he heard Emilia working away. "Emilia."

"Hey." Her tone was guarded; no doubt that despite his calm exterior her Betazoid half sensed his wild emotional state.

"I'm afraid I don't have much time," Rebecca announced still unawares. "Paul'll be here any minute."

"Rebecca." Something in his voice arrested her movement mid-way across the room. "May we speak privately?"

Emilia's desk chair creaked as she turned around and he suspected a silent conversation was passing between the two women. She quickly excused herself and Selas remained quiet until he was certain he and Rebecca were alone.

She stood before him. "What's up?"

"I am afraid that Paul will be unable to escort you out this evening."

"Oh." The disappointment evident in her tone made his chest burn angrily. "That's too bad. You didn't have to come here and tell me though, he could've just comm'd." She slowly moved toward her dresser and began removing her jewelry.

"He could not."

Rebecca turned around slowly, her voice full of suspicion. "Why?" Selas found himself suddenly stricken and unable to tell her the truth. "Selas, why couldn't Paul call me? Is he alright?" Her panic spiked with each question.

Reacting again without any forethought Selas pulled her close and kissed her passionately. She stood stiffly in his arms for a full second before briefly relaxing; she even went so far as to reciprocate but as swiftly as Rebecca engaged in the kiss she tensed up again and pushed him away with astounding force.

Her rejection rendered him momentarily speechless; Rebecca also appeared unable to respond. Finally, after 31.3 seconds of worrying silence, Selas reclaimed the power of thought and speech. "Rebecca, I…"

She slapped him—she slapped him hard. His cheek stung from the blow as much as from the rage behind it and he was stunned; he never thought Rebecca capable of such violence let alone thought she would direct it toward him. He attempted to apologize again. "I am sor—"

She slapped him a second time. "NO! You don't get to—" she spluttered incoherently for a moment, "You have NO RIGHT!"

Selas hung his head in shame, appalled by his actions. "You are correct, I…"

"Get out!"

Her screams jolted him; he had never heard her raise her voice in anger either and her screams were bordering on the hysterical. "I…"

"I SAID GET OUT!" She was screeching now for the whole floor to hear and as he slowly plodded toward the door he heard her collapse on the bed and start to sob. It went against his every instinct but as he was the cause of her distress Selas knew he had no choice but to leave the room and he slunk out the door like a coward.

Immediately after quitting Rebecca's room Selas returned to his own, his guilt gnawing away at him. He helped Paul into bed but did not linger and instead gathered up his jacket, cane and glasses before fleeing. The entire campus felt incredibly confining and so Selas wandered aimlessly around the city, his shoulders stooped from grief as much as from the biting wind. Sometime around midnight—he no longer cared or paid attention to the time—a cold drizzle began to fall, yet instead of turning back he continued to walk on.

He could not believe what he had done; his behavior was so very reprehensible it sickened him. He should be brought up on charges-in fact the more he thought about it he knew that once Rebecca calmed down and Paul woke up they would likely have him arrested for assault. And for what? Why had he done it? Why did he attack his own friend and kiss his best friend in the entire world?

Because he loved Rebecca. He had not planned for it nor could he control his feelings but there they were. The fact that she was happily involved with someone else when he discovered these feelings could not be helped.

Jealousy anger hate envy rage lust all roiled violently within him every time Selas thought of his friends together. These very real, very dangerous human emotions were only heightened by his Vulcan biology to claim and protect a potential mate; he suspected that if Paul were not his friend he would not have gotten off this evening as harmlessly as he had. The very thought of the extensive physical damage he might have wrought made Selas shiver.

Sometime in the pre-dawn hours he found himself alone on a bench in Golden Gate Park. He closed his eyes and focused on the sound of the crashing ocean waves and the boats drifting on the water not far from shore. Exhaustion and dejection crested over him unceasingly. He had been wrong, he had behaved shamefully, and he had ruined, perhaps irreparably, two of the most important relationships in his life. Swallowing back the urge to cry Selas opened his eyes and stared vacantly out over the ocean and waited for the rising sun.