Chapter 25!

She started screaming, tearing at my skin, pleading for help. I tried to calm her, but she wouldn't calm down. "Amanda, you're safe. They can't hurt you anymore. Amanda, it's just me." I tried, but she was still screaming.

"Get off of me! Don't touch me!" She screamed, and did everything I could to tell her she wasn't in danger, but she responded with, "stop! You're hurting me! Please."

"Amanda, you need to come back to me, honey."

"Stop hurting me, Nick!" My heart stopped beating. I was hurting her? I looked down, and I could see myself violating her while she cried and begged for mercy underneath me.

Nick's eyes popped open, and body stiffened beneath Amanda's arm that lay across his chest. He looked over at her lying peacefully beside him. She was content with him, but should she be? After what he had just dreamt, he was unsure of everything. He thought it could be reflecting what he was truly feeling that he chose to ignore. Was it that he felt he was only hurting her by trying to help? Was it that he wanted her to be hurt, so she would want his help? Was it that he was scared to do anything around her, in fear of hurting her? "I'm sorry baby." He whispered as he placed a kiss on the top of her head. He felt so guilty, but he didn't want to wake her so, he closed his eyes and tried to fall back asleep.

They got through the rest of the night with no nightmares. The next morning, Nick still couldn't get over what he had dreamt, but he couldn't tell Amanda about it. When he would look at her, he would be reminded of it, and he would hate himself for it.

Amanda could tell something was a little off with Nick, she thought it might just be because, he was worried about her comment the previous day. "Hey, everything okay?"

"Yeah. You ready to go?"

"Yeah, but you really don't need to take me."

"I know. I want to." It was mainly because he thought she would ditch, but he wasn't going to tell her that. She had a history of not liking therapists, but he knew she needed to see one.

"I'll be fine."

"I know. I'll leave as soon as you get inside." They left shortly after that, and they pulled up at a place neither of them had been before. Benson of course, had recommended Lindstrom, but Amanda felt awkward about using her boss' therapist. Then there was that other one she had talked to when everything with her sister was going down, but Amanda didn't want to be turned down again, even though she knew she wouldn't be, she still refused to ask to see her again. This time she chose a Doctor Evelyn Adamson. They didn't know a thing about each other, just how Amanda wanted it.

Nick walked her to the waiting room where they sat on the couch outside the office. She rested her elbows on her legs, and started shaking one of her legs. It was a nervous habit she had. "Hey, whatever you tell her, she can't tell anyone else, and she won't judge you for anything. So, just, be honest. Okay?"

"Sure."

"Amanda Rollins." Dr. Adamson said from her office door.

"I'll be back to pick you up."

"Okay." She said, and walked into the office.

Nick walked down a few doors, and entered the room. He had made an appointment after the nightmare, luckily one of the doctors in the building had just had a cancellation.

...

"So, why are you here?" Evelyn asked to get started.

"My boyfriend is just worried about me."

"Why is he worried?"

So many reasons. "I was raped. So, now, I don't think he knows how to handle me, so he's sending me away." She shrugged. "I thought I was doing okay."

...

"So, why are you here?"

"I had this nightmare. My girlfriend, she was screaming for help, I thought she was having a nightmare, a flashback, but it turned out I was the one assaulting her. I mean, what does that mean? Should I be worried about what I'm going to do next?"

"Your response is normal."

...

"What do you think he's worried about?"

"I dunno. He just does that sometimes."

"Have you given him any reason to be worried?"

"Kinda." Amanda was content with the one-word answers, but Dr. Adamson wasn't.

"What reason does he have?"

"I told you, I was raped."

"Maybe it's because of the way you reacted afterward?"

Amanda thought about it a moment. "Maybe. But, I mean, I was doing fine."

Something happen to me on the job.

...

"I think what you are experiencing is secondary trauma. Sometimes when you are hearing the stories, and seeing the effects first-hand-"

"I work for Special Victims, I don't have a problem with that. I hear stories every day."

"Yes, but do you hear it from someone you know, and are close with every day? It's a lot different when it's your girlfriend."

"What do I have to do to get it to go away?"

"You need to start by taking time for yourself. Start a journal, go for a run, meditate, listen to soothing music, whatever you choose to do, just make sure you're taking care of yourself."

...

"Just because you're doing fine, doesn't mean you don't need someone to talk to."

"I have people to talk to."

"Who? Name five people."

"My boyfriend, my partner, my boss, my uh, sponsor..." She was running dry on names.

"Your sponsor?"

"I had some problems with gambling. I don't anymore." She was quick to add.

"What do you think lead to your gambling problems?"

"I dunno."

"Ms. Rollins, I'm getting the sense that you're not very open to talking to me."

"What gave it away?"

"So, here's what I want you to do. And please, really take what I have to say seriously. I want you to talk to somebody, whether it be your boyfriend, your partner, your boss, whoever. I want you to tell them everything."

"They already know everything. They were there, they read my file, there isn't anything left to say."

Something happen to me on the job.

"Tell them what you're feeling. Tell them what's going on in your head. Just be open with them. Okay? You think you can do that?"

"Yeah." She whispered.

They didn't talk about their visit to the therapist, all she said was she wasn't going back, and Nick didn't fight her on it. He trusted that she would do the right thing, and let her decide that on her own. They were sitting on the couch together when there was suddenly a knock at the door, and Nick got up to answer it.

"Daddy!" Zara yelled, and jumped into his arms.

"Hey Princess!" He said, and set her down as he turned to Maria. "I'm sorry, I forgot you guys were coming, things have just been..."

"No, I get it. You've obviously been busy with her." Maria said, motioning to Amanda on the couch who, then stood.

"You know, I think I'm just gonna go." Amanda headed for the door, but Nick stepped in front of her.

"No, you don't have to."

"Yeah, I think I'm just gonna go to Fin's, stay there."

"Okay, do you need a ride?"

"I'll be fine."

"Call me when you make it there." Nick said, and walked her to the door, before turning around to Maria and Zara both looking at him. "I'm sorry, things have been crazy around here."

"I can see that. You guys look pretty serious."

"It looks like none of your business." He snapped back. He realized he was overreacting, and took a breath. "I'm sorry. There's just been so much going on."

"Wanna talk?" She was always good at pulling information out of him.

"I'll pass." He turned to Zara. "So, what would you like to do while you're in New York?"

Her face lit up. She finally got to express everything she wanted to do. "Well, I want to go to the zoo, and I want to get that stuffed panda you wouldn't let me get last time."

"You still remember that?"

"Then, I want to go and get ice cream, and then..." She went on to name a million activities all while Nick's mind wandered back to Amanda, and his dream, and everything that had been going on. He could never seem to get his mind off of it.

Amanda left Nick's but she didn't want to go to Fin's. She decided to go back to her own apartment instead. It wasn't the best idea she ever had, but she hadn't been there since Clark had kidnapped her, and she decided it was time. As soon as she got there, she called Nick, and told him she got to Fin's safely. She walked into her apartment and saw all the damage CSU had done. Her heart started beating faster as she neared the bedroom, and her hand started to shake as she reached for the fingerprint dust-filled wall beside her to hold her steady. She reached the doorway, and froze. Her eyes gazed over the scene as she remembered what had taken place there. She took a step in, and looked at everything, her mind trying to process it all. Her breathing started to shorten, and she walked into the kitchen, and grabbed a sponge. She started on the walls outside her bedroom. As she continued, each scrub got faster, and more violent.

When she finally made her way into the bedroom, she wasn't sure if she could handle it, but she kept her head down, and continued to scrub the wall in front of her. A wave of memories came to her, and she scrubbed a little harder, as if she was trying to wash away the memories, but her room was filled with them, and she couldn't escape, no matter how hard she scrubbed.

"Get on your knees." He demanded

"No." She stood from the place she was on the ground, and started to back away from them. The back of her knees hit her bed, and she fell on it. She fell on the bed, still seeing them coming at her, and she tried to get up, but she kept getting her own arms and feet tangled, and she collapsed face first on her bed. She took out her phone, knowing if she could only call someone, she could be safe. She thought for sure one of the two would stop her, but they didn't. They only watched. "Please. Please, help. They're here they're gonna attack me."

The voice on the other end was calm. "Where are you?"

"I'm at my apartment."

"I'm on my way. Don't worry. Who is there with you?"

"Clark and Brian."

"Honey, they're in jail, they can't be there."

"They are, and they're gonna hurt me! Please." She was crying by now, and darted to the furthest corner away from them.

"I'm almost there."

A few minutes later there was a knock at the door, "Amanda!?" There was no response. So, Olivia used her key to let herself in, and found Amanda huddled in the corner, and the sponge at the foot of the bed, and half of the walls cleaned. She ran over, and kneeled down by Amanda. "Amanda. I'm here. You're safe. They're not here. They can't get to you." Amanda peeled her eyes from the figures she was seeing, and looked over to Olivia, and grabbed onto her arm. "I'm right here. It's okay. Take your time."

Amanda was finally able to catch her breath, and realize what she had done. "I'm sorry."

"What were you doing here?"

"I tried to call Nick. I'm sorry."

"Why did you come here?"

"I can't live off you guys anymore. I need everything to be normal again."

It was part of the reason why I had to leave.

"I think you need to focus on a new normal, and not try to make it exactly how it was before because, reality is, it will never be exactly the same."

"I thought you were supposed to make me feel better."

"You're never going to feel any better if you keep searching for something that's never going to be there."

"Right. I guess I just... I dunno."

"What? What were you gonna say?"

"I dunno. It's just, I'm so tired of being seen as a victim. Everyone keeps treating me like I can't take care of myself. I feel like this is the first step to proving everyone wrong, and I just, I can't even do this."

"I think it would be a lot different if you didn't have to clean all this mess."

"Yeah."

"So, let me help you?"

"Thank you, Liv."

So, did you like it? Please review! Also, thank you to joyfulheartfoundation.org for teaching me about the secondary trauma.