Hey everyone! So it's Wednesday again (Time flies- seriously!) so here you have the new chapter of Remembering!
Thank you so, so much for your reviews on the last chapter! They made me sooo happy!
Well, without further ado- please enjoy!

Chapter 25

Sam really should have said no. He should have just said no.

He was sitting across from Steve at one of his favourite cafés, positively mutilating his croissant out of nervousness. Steve had insisted on treating Sam for breakfast as a thank you for being such a good friend and all Sam could think about was how he had helped Bucky, the man Steve was secretly-not-so-secretly pining for, go behind the blonde's back to visit someone.

On his drive home, Sam had decided that it was most probably a pretty big deal when Bucky didn't feel like he could talk to Steve about something, this fact making Sam even more nervous about what exactly he had become the accomplice of. What made this all the much worse for Sam was the fact that Steve kept smiling at him with that deeply earnest gratitude that made him look like a happy Golden Retriever and it was killing Sam.

"Are you still gonna eat that?" Steve gestured to Sam's poor croissant, laughing lightly.

"Uh sure." Sam muttered, "They taste better if you take the top layer off, didn't you know that?" Steve gave him a sceptical look, scrutinizing the hardly recognizable croissant for a moment before shrugging, returning his attention to his egg and tomato sandwich and taking a larger bite than was strictly considered healthy.

Sam had almostmanaged to convince himself that he was off the hook when Steve's face suddenly lit up and he leant onto the table, towards Sam, giving him his undivided, incredibly unnerving attention. "So how did it go?"

"How did what go?" Sam croaked.

"Oh come on Sam!" Steve rolled his eyes with a gentle smile, "Your date! What else?"

Sam's mouth opened and closed a few times, his eyes widening in panic when he found that his mind was shutting down at the worst of times! The longer Sam stared at Steve helplessly, the more Steve's look of excitement died down, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. Still, his smile was still there, still encouraging and understanding and it made Sam want to get up and leave, punch Bucky in the face and hope that the ex-assassin hospitalized him.

"Did it go badly?" Steve's face shifted to display a stifling amount of concern, the line between his eyebrows becoming increasingly pronounced the longer he tried to read Sam's facial expression.

"Sam what happened?"

"There was no date!" Sam blurted out, slapping his hands over his mouth when he realized that he'd just said that out loud. He watched in horror as Steve looked confused all over again, the gentle pout on his face demanding an explanation silently. "I uh… I had to cancel." Sam admitted, ripping a whole chunk off his croissant before picking at that mercilessly with shaking fingers.

"Did something happen at the VA?" Steve enquired, "Why didn't you call me? I could have helped and-."

"I wasn't allowed to call you." Sam interjected, defeat washing over his entire body like some sort of cursed plague. Who was he kidding? It was practically humanly impossible to lie to Steve unless one was called Nick Fury.

Now Steve looked defensive, his chin jutting out in an old habit of defiance.

"Okay so why's that?" He asked Sam slowly, his eyes hardening with agitation.

Sam really, really shouldn't have said yes to helping a 260lbs ex-assassin wanting to do something behind his best friend's back. Saying no really wasn't that difficult. It was one word Sam! One word!

But he had said yes and the look of displeasure on Steve's face let Sam know that he wasn't about to get out of any of this unscathed. Sam bowed his head, staring down at the table top ashamedly.

"He didn't want me to." He mumbled quietly.

"Who?"

"Bucky."

"Bucky?" Steve leant back in his seat, crossing his arms across his chest with a frown, "What does Bucky have to do with any of this?"

Sam sighed, pinching the bridge of nose briefly before sitting up straighter and looking Steve straight in the eye. He had to tell Steve the truth. Steve deserved to know, regardless of how much this might hurt him. "Bucky wanted to go somewhere but he didn't want you to know. He convinced you to go to Clint's because he didn't want you coming with him."

"Oh."

Steve's body sagged together visibly and his face dropped, all the fire and fight leaving him in one quick swoop. Sam wanted to say something, anything to wipe the broken look off of Steve's face but he knew that there was nothing he could do to fix things. He had just told Steve that Bucky had done something behind Steve's back because he didn't want Steve around for it. He knew exactly how much that would hurt Steve and the broken look on Steve's face was nothing but an echo of the pain he was actually feeling inside.

"Well, that's great for Buck!" A heart-breaking grin spread across Steve's pale face. It didn't reach his eyes and it in no way conveyed what Steve might want it to. "I'm so glad he's getting more independent! Did he have a good time?"

"I don't know." Sam admitted hoarsely, fingers moving away from the remains of his croissant to clutch onto the hem of his jeans pockets, "All he wanted was for me to drop him off. The house seemed kind of familiar but I guess I was just imagining it. He told me he knew the woman that lived there and said he wanted to talk to her alone."

"A woman?" Steve swallowed, feeling his stomach twist because c'mon Stevie there are so many pretty girls out there! I'm sure you'll find one that thinks you're swell! Hey but you gotta let me be your best man at the big wedding then alright?

Steve felt sick.

Had Bucky decided to reconnect with one of the woman he had dated before leaving with the military? Was this the path he had chosen for himself? Was Bucky finally ready to move past Steve? How long would it take before he moved in with her? Was he going to come visit Steve or was he going to disappear completely? Steve zoned back in abruptly when his eyes began to burn with pending tears and he noticed Sam giving him a worried and endlessly apologetic frown. "Steve I-."

"No, it's fine!" Steve waved it off with a forced laugh, "Everything's fine! I'm really happy for him." Steve swallowed, nodding numbly, "This is great. This is what we wanted. This is what we were aiming for all along."

It took a very long time for Steve to find his way back home. He had met Sam for breakfast in the morning and it was now well past midday. The summer heat had simmered down a little and the sun was casting darker shadows, a herald of the upcoming dusk.
If one were to ask Steve what he had done all day, he probably wouldn't really be able to tell you. He'd been in too many coffee shops to count, had drank far too many sugary coffees to be healthy and he hadn't had a single thing to eat since breakfast. Somewhere between all his coffee stops, he had settled down in a park close to home, under a tree to do some people-watching. Every couple he saw rammed a dagger into his heart and he jumped every time he saw someone that looked even remotely similar to Bucky. Throughout the entire day, Steve had fought off his thoughts about which of Bucky's many dates had caught his eye enough to keep him interested even after all this time. He didn't want to think about her, didn't want to think about what she must mean to Bucky if he still cared about her enough to go visit her.

By the time he arrived at his front door, he felt drained in a way that he hadn't in a very long time. He had resigned himself to the reality of the situation, wanting nothing more than to wrap himself up in his blanket and sleep the rest of his life away. Bucky was straight, after all, had always been chasing skirts, had always loved plump red lips and curves. Why would the past events have changed that?

Steve leant his head against the door, chastising himself mentally, knowing that he should be happy. He should be glad that Bucky was returning to old habits, trying to pick up where he left off, crafting his own path.

But Steve wasn't happy. Couldn't be happy and it was incredibly selfish.

But he didn't care.

He didn't care that he was being selfish, wanting Bucky for himself because although Steve readily sacrificed almost everything for his country, for his friends and family, Bucky was one thing Steve would not, under any circumstances, surrender if he had anything to say about it.

And yet… he wanted Bucky to be happy and if Bucky was happy with a girl with beautiful lips and a body as beautiful as Bucky's, what was Steve to do?

So, he would keep his selfish thoughts to himself until they suffocated him.

He knew that he should open the door and go inside but he had barely managed to drag himself up the stairs to their apartment. A whimper escaped him and he pinched his eyes closed as tightly as he could. He had managed to keep his tears at bay all day, he was not going to let them best him now.

Without warning, the door was opened and Steve fell forward numbly, landing against something firm and warm. Whatever it was, it seemed to have a heartbeat. A heartbeat that was beating too fast.

"For the love of God Steve where the hell have you been all day?!" Two arms wrapped around him, leading him to the couch while three paws padded against the wooden floor next to him. Steve kept his eyes on the floor, even while being gently let down onto the couch, knowing that if he looked at Bucky now, he'd break.

"What happened to you? Stevie? Hey buddy, talk to me." A warm hand was placed underneath Steve's chin to lift his head up but Steve pushed down, against the pressure until the hand was removed from his skin. Bucky stayed silent then, metal hand still resting on Steve's shoulder helplessly.
Steve listened to Bucky's loud breaths, hearing that Bucky was clearly distressed.

"I tried to call you." Bucky whispered, "You didn't answer your phone all day. I was worried."

Steve wanted to laugh but he stopped himself by biting down on his tongue until the urge was gone. He knew he should probably say something but he had no words to describe what he was feeling, nothing to say to Bucky.

After all these many, many years, seeing Bucky with a woman hadn't become any easier for Steve. In fact, it had become much more difficult, heart wrenchingly painful.

After another short pause, an old instinct of Bucky's seemed to kick in. Steve sat still while Bucky slowly began inspecting Steve, starting with his hands. His flesh hand brushed over Steve's knuckles, checking for bruising until moving on to his wrists, arms, shoulders and his legs. The touch was horribly familiar and comforting although Steve wanted nothing more than to feel uncomfortable under Bucky's hands but he never did, never would. When Bucky got to Steve's collarbones and moved to inspect his neck, Steve closed his eyes, letting Bucky manoeuvre Steve's head whichever way he needed it. Steve almost flinched when cold metal came into contact with his cheekbone, the smooth mechanic thumb brushing over the skin just below Steve's eye so gently that Steve hardly felt it. If he weren't so distraught, Steve might have been surprised by how gentle Bucky could be with his metal hand, how well calibrated the machine must be.

"C'mon let me see those baby blues." Bucky coaxed him gently, lifting his right hand to frame Steve's face, "What's gotten you upset doll?"

Steve's eyes flew open in the same moment that Bucky's eyes widened, both realizing what Bucky had just said. Steve's breath stuttered in his throat and his heart did a traitorous jump at the nickname- the nickname Bucky had used when talking to the girls he had dated.

"I ain't one of your girls Buck." Steve muttered darkly, desperate to hide his fluster, to prevent a blush. Bucky nodded immediately, his eyes darting slightly, looking for something to look at that wouldn't be as unnerving as the raw emotion contained in Steve's eyes.

"I know you ain't Stevie." Bucky stuttered apologetically, letting his hands drop from Steve's face, "God of course I know that!" He added, shaking his head in confusion.

"Then don't bloody treat me like one Buck, it ain't funny."

"Steve…" Bucky frowned, backing away from Steve a little, looking at Steve the way he would look at a stranger. If Steve said that that didn't hurt, he'd be lying. "What's… what happened today?"

"It's nothing." Steve deflected, turning his head to hide his face from Bucky.

"Clearly it ain't nothing Stevie." Bucky stressed. His body was becoming increasingly tense, his mind searching through old memories to find a way to resolve the situation, to help Steve. The last time Bucky could remember seeing Steve like this was when Betty White had told him that she wasn't interested in him, back in fifth grade.

"Is this about a girl?" Bucky tried tentatively. The reaction he got from Steve was far removed from the one he was expecting: Steve's face straightened out into a look of utter disbelief and anger before the blond got up and pushed past Bucky and Flake forcefully, storming to the bathroom like a sulking child, desperate to escape the situation.

Bucky knew that it would probably be better to leave Steve to himself but he couldn't.

He didn't know whether it was an old habit he had forgotten about or something that Hydra had instilled in him, but the thought of Steve upset and angry and Bucky not close to him to make things better made Bucky physically ache. And so, he hurriedly told Flake to stay before rushing after Steve, just in time to shove his left arm between the door and the frame before Steve could slam the bathroom door in his face. Steve made a frustrated sound, glaring at Bucky's metal hand before retreating away from the door to sit on the rim of the bathtub, eyes downcast and knuckles white from grasping onto the rim of the tub.

He shouldn't have left it this long. Steve should have texted Bucky immediately, asked him to meet him somewhere and just talk it out. This way, his emotions had been building up all day, itching for a release that had now presented itself in form of the man who had inadvertently caused Steve pain. He didn't even want to be angry! It was unlike him to be angry at Bucky and the fact that he was angry at his best friend probably upset Steve more than the initial catalyser did.

Bucky sighed heavily, looking around the bathroom in a gesture of helplessness before his eyes settled on the hunched over figure of his best friend. He moved to kneel in front of Steve on the floor, resting one hand on each of Steve's knees.

"You know you can talk to me about anything Stevie." Bucky promised him, feeling a pang of guilt surge through him when he realized that Steve felt the same way about him and that he had still gone to Peggy instead of Steve.

"When were you gonna tell me?" Steve asked him, voice hollow and yet somehow simultaneously drenched in pain.

"When was I gonna tell you what?" Bucky replied confusedly, leaning closer to Steve in order to see his face. Steve's beautiful blue eyes were uncharacteristically dull and it scared Bucky.

"I'm glad that things are returning to normal for you, that you're gonna find yourself a nice girl and everything but you could have… you could have told me."

"Told you what Steve?!" Bucky exclaimed exasperatedly, hands tightening on Steve's knees.

Steve lifted his head slowly, sad eyes managing to conjure up a half-hearted glare that he directed at Bucky mercilessly. After all this; after Steve had made it clear that he saw through Bucky's lie, Bucky still insisted on denying it? Was Steve worth that little to Bucky now? That he could just lie to Steve's face like it was nothing?

"Your girl Buck!" Steve yelled, getting up and stepping around Bucky while the latter scrambled to get up.

"Girl?"

"Yeah your girl Bucky!" All the emotions that Steve had fought off during the day came back with a vengeance, leaving him feeling winded, dizzy and numb. Instead of leaving the bathroom like he had planned to, he turned away from the closed door to face Bucky again, resolutely ignoring the fact that the look on Bucky's face was earnest and that Steve knew that Bucky wasn't lying. His heart did; but his brain was stubborn and it was doing a good job of convincing Steve of the opposite.

"You might not remember" Steve went on angrily, "but I remember how you were always going on one date after the next! Back then though, you at least told me about it. Damn you told me all about it didn't ya? But this time… you just go behind my back and pretend like nothing happened? If you ask me, you can go out with whoever you want Bucky!" No. No that was a lie. "But the least you could do is tell me! I thought we told each other everything!"

"I didn't say anything 'cause there's nothing to tell you Stevie!" Bucky matched Steve's loud tone, feeling himself come apart at the edges. He wanted to give Steve the answer he obviously yearned for but he didn't know what Steve was talking about! Who was this girl Steve was talking about? When was he supposed to have visited her? Had he forgotten something again? Was there something important he should know? Something that he had forgotten that Steve was now upset about?

Steve was angry at him. Steve was this upset because of him. Steve's eyes were shimmering with tears because of him.

He'd hurt Steve.

He had failed. He was a bad soldier, a bad weap-. No... No! He was no soldier! He was no weapon! Not anymore! He was James Buchanan Barnes! Bucky Barnes. Steve's Bucky Barnes!

Bucky bowed his head, stepping away from Steve instinctively until the back of his legs touched the rim of the bathtub. He clenched his hands at his sides, the metal plates shifting in a way that made the skin on Bucky's left shoulder crawl. Bucky wanted to take a step closer to Steve again but as soon as his thoughts translated into his body language, Steve stiffened, sending Bucky a clear message of unwillingness to be close to him.

Sputnik.

Bucky wanted Steve to say it so, so badly. He wanted Steve to trigger him into shutting down, to let him escape the panic gripping at his mind with ice cold fingers. He didn't want to be in this situation, didn't want to be confronted with the fact that he had once again hurt Steve. If he knew what he had done wrong, he could apologize, promise never to do it again, make things better but as things were? He was rendered helpless and on the receiving end of Steve's anger that felt a lot more like pain than actual anger. He'd seen Steve angry before, this was different though: there was no fire in his eyes, no angry blush on his cheeks. He looked resigned, hurt and broken, fighting with what energy he had left before giving up completely.

Bucky didn't know what to do.

His body itched, his metal arm begging to destroy. His mind was uncomfortably empty and his stomach was filled with violent waves of anxiety that made him want to throw up.

Was he losing Steve? Why wouldn't Steve let him come closer? He wanted to be close to Steve. He wanted to hold him and promise him that whatever Steve thought, that there was no girl, that it was only ever him. His eyes shot to his left but he quickly realized that he had told Flake to stay in the living room.

"Steve…" Bucky begged, voice cracking on the last vowel. He wanted to reach out to Steve, wanted to feel at least a little closer to him but he knew that he wouldn't survive Steve backing away from him again.

"What… what girl?" Bucky's face twisted in confusion and he bit his lip, an old tick that he had developed in school when he was thinking.

In that moment, Steve's heart won.

The lip-chewing had been something that Bucky had done unknowingly; it was also something Steve had never actually told him about. The fact that Bucky was chewing his lip, showed Steve that he was, just as Steve had suspected, completely clueless as to who this girl was supposed to be.

The incredibly amounts of pain flushed out of Steve's system slowly and he let out a slow breath, finding himself able to think more clearly now, to see the damage he had done without even meaning to. He really should have called Bucky sooner, let him explain himself before it got to this.

"You didn't want me to go to Clint's for the afternoon because you wanted to cook for me." Steve stated and Bucky's head snapped up. The confused look on Bucky's face vanished in a blink of an eye, replaced by a look of shock and realization, his eyes widening almost comically.

"Shit."

Steve frowned at him.

"Sorry… I mean… I was…" Oh no. No. No. No. No! How the hell had Steve even found out about the day before? The only person he had told was Sam! The same Sam who had met up with Steve in the morning and-.

"I asked Sam to drive me to Peggy's house!" Bucky blurted out, jumping at the chance to make things right again. To hell with how scared this conversation was making Bucky. To hell with what could happen if Bucky kept talking. All he wanted was for Steve to stop looking at him like that.

"Peggy?"

Bucky sagged visibly as soon as Steve's face had straightened out and the deep line between his eyebrows had smoothed out again.

"Yeah. Peggy."

"The lady you visited… it was Peggy?" Realization settled on Steve's features right before regret washed over his face and he was in Bucky's space immediately. "I'm so sorry!" Steve pleaded, hands coming to rest on Bucky's waist gingerly, "I should have just spoken to you about it like a normal person and instead I exploded and damn it Buck I'm so sorry!" Bucky's face softened and he leant towards Steve, resting his forehead against Steve's, breathing him in, revelling in the fact that Steve was so close to him again.

"S'fine."

"No it's not Buck!" Steve insisted stubbornly. Although their faces were too close for Bucky to make out the look on Steve's face, he was certain that Steve was frowning the way he always did when something was unjust.

"Sorry Stevie but I really don't care whether you think it's fair or not." Bucky smiled lightly, "I'm just glad you ain't upset no more."

"You should be the one that's upset." Steve pointed out and Bucky chuckled, shaking his head so vaguely that Steve hardly felt it.

"I ain't angry though."

"Well I am. I'm upset that I yelled at you like an idiot! It's not fair on you Buck!" Bucky pulled back to get a better look at Steve's face, drawing in a sharp breath when he was far enough to see. There was that fire again. There was the angry pout on his shapely lips, the concerned line between his eyebrows and the way his eyes narrowed angrily. He looked just like he did back when he was still too small to hold a candle to any of the bullies he tried to fend off. He looked just like that short kid that Bucky could fit underneath his arm so perfectly.

"You're beautiful, do you know that?" Bucky asked him quietly.

Steve's blue eyes widened and his mouth fell open.

"Buck… what?"

There you go~ I really hope you enjoyed it!

Lemme know what you think!

I hope all of you have an awesome week! I'll be back next week wtih chapter 26!