November 1985, Berkeley, California, USA.
"I thought San Francisco would be warm." Delphine complains, pulling her sweater around herself, "Instead I always need a sweater. Summer. Fall... Isn't California supposed to be warm?"
"It is in places. We could take a drive. A mini-road trip one weekend." Cosima suggests without thinking. It's been over a month of these coffee meetings and sharing articles and being around Delphine. She can think of a dozen different places she wants to take Delphine, just go away and get away with her for a few days.
Cosima cannot claim that she's stopped reacting to Delphine physically, or even stopped craving her, but she's grown used to seeing Delphine, to feeling the same old pull.
Delphine answers with a slow exhale of breath, "We better not."
"You still don't want to be alone with me?" Cosima indicates their position, out on a lawn at Berkeley. She's fairly certain most people would mistake her for an undergraduate student, if not a visiting high schooler.
"It's not that." Delphine reassures, "It's just... it's better if we stay in public."
"Right." She laughs unable to help herself, laying back on Delphine's lap, "So if we stay in public I can do this?"
Delphine laughs at first, letting her sink back, resting her head across Delphine's thighs. She inhales deeply, savouring the smell of Delphine, beneath the smell of perfume and cigarettes.
"Are you okay?" She asks feeling Delphine tense.
"Oui." Delphine responds, stroking a piece of hair back from her face, "I'm fine."
"You're smoking again."
Delphine manages to answer evenly, "Is that an accusation or a statement?"
"Just a statement. I thought you were quitting."
"I am. I am." Delphine reassures, "I won't buy another pack."
"Good. Cause I still want you alive when we're old ladies. And not like dying from lung cancer or shit."
They both sober slightly, "Cosima," Delphine chides her with a sigh. She wonders briefly if they were both imagining the same thing.
"Not that, well I hope we still know each other when we're old ladies. Or, at least read each other's articles..."
"You're babbling." Delphine reaches down to stroke her hair again and she feels herself shudder in response.
"So, do you want to grab a quick dinner?" Cosima asks gently, looking up at Delphine.
"I can't. I have plans," Delphine smiles apologetically, "I'll see you next Friday, for coffee?"
Cosima grins in response, "You're on."
"Okay, you have to get up. I need to go." Delphine giggles slightly, urging Cosima off her lap.
"So, where are you off to tonight Dr. Cormier?" Cosima asks after standing up, and reaching down a hand to help pull Delphine to her feet.
"I have a date." Delphine answers simply, causing Cosima's heart to plummet into her stomach.
"What?" She repeats faintly.
"A date, Cosima." Delphine shakes her head at her sadly.
"But..." Cosima lets her protests die on her lips, "Have fun." She offers instead. How had she let herself forget. What is she really planning here? Some slow subtle seduction? It's not like she hasn't had ...
"Bye." Delphine offers with a quick smile as she jogs back to her office.
Cosima groans in frustration, she'd spent an afternoon nearly every week with Delphine and somehow had managed to forget this. She heads back to the grad student office, does she even want to know who Delphine is with? She doubts Delphine wants to meet David, and has deliberately kept the two of them from meeting. She'd even made efforts to hide her last short affair from her.
"Hey Cosima," Scott pulls her from her reflections on the stairs, "See you later Mike!" He calls to the man heading up the stairs before him.
"Hi Scotty. How's the dissertation?"
"It's fine, haven't really done that much on it yet. Coursework. What happened to you?"
"Delphine has a date." Cosima grumbles, continuing to clomp up the stairs like a whiny adolescent.
"Yeah. I know." Scott comments brightly, "I introduced them."
"You introduced her to Mike?!" Cosima hisses at Scott, roughly slapping his shoulder.
"Umm yeah. Oww stop it. You're going to make me fall down the stairs."
Cosima can barely contain her rage, "Why?"
"Because he asked me to?" Scott winces in anticipation of another slap.
"How could you do this to me? We're supposed to be friends Scott."
"Do what to you? This is about Delphine, not about you."
"I don't want them together. They won't work." Cosima shakes her head.
"You still love her, don't you?" Scott realizes finally, the truth dawning on him.
"Doesn't matter if I do... fuck... why Mike?"
"He asked!" Scott winces expecting Cosima to slap him again.
"He's... ugh... he's charming and educated and actually kind of attractive." Cosima laments burying her face in her hands.
"Uh. Yeah." Scott pats her shoulder awkwardly, "Well, that's... do you want to play risk? Daisy's on nights again, you could come hang out at my place?"
"No. I have to get home." Cosima sighs.
"You know, since you're married maybe you should try to get over this Delphine thing. I mean this lesbian drama, it's... I don't think I can take much more of it."
"What about your drama?" Cosima shoots back, holding the door for Scott to enter the corridor.
"I don't have drama. Just a girlfriend who is a nurse and works shifts." Scott comments brightly, "And I don't like it when you take things out on me. It's not fair. And Daisy thinks you need to be nicer to me."
She stops, almost stunned by Scott's brief moment of assertiveness, "Good for you Scott."
"Now what is really bugging you? Just go talk about it with someone." Scott pats her shoulder.
"I don't want him to have Delphine," Cosima whines voice breaking, "I am such an idiot."
She quiets when she sees Delphine locking her office door, smiling at the man standing behind her.
Mike's hand is wrapped around Delphine's hip and she wants to scream. Or throw something. Or grab Delphine and lay claim to her in the middle of the hallway. Ridiculous fantasies, she tells herself, repressing them is best.
"Isn't that a bit much for a first date?" She whispers to Scott.
"It's actually their second." Scott admits warily, ducking again as Cosima swats at him.
"This is your fault."
"No." Scott shakes his head, "I just introduced them. This is their choice."
"Fuck." Cosima curses softly, letting Scott lead her back to the office, out of the way.
"So, tell me about yourself." Mike probes after they've ordered dinner, "I feel like we barely scratched the surface last time."
"I told you about my fieldwork overseas. My research interests." Delphine smiles, "My life in Paris."
"It's all very fascinating. But...I'm sure you have more to say."
"I am not really..." Delphine lets herself trail off, "I'm not interested in anything serious right now."
"Well, I'm leaving for fieldwork in South America in the new year, so no worries about future stuff. Let's just enjoy ourselves. Pressure is off. I'd love to hear more about your research."
"What about yours? Cultural anthropology in South America. Must be fascinating."
"Living there for months on end? Trying the hallucinogens? Learning the language? It's amazing alright. I'm still working through my notes from last time. I just can't stay away though, it's too interesting to me. I think I'm going to take time to really travel this time, see all the ruins, make my way through mesoamerica, give my Spanish a good workout."
"Sounds like you have a plan," Delphine smiles taking another sip of her wine.
"Languages are living things too you know," Mike grins, "I think I've spent so much time away I've forgotten how to do this. I called off an engagement a few years ago and haven't really done much of this since."
Delphine nods, as the server places her salad in front of her, "Yes. You told me."
"I get so tied up in my work, I forget about everything else. But you understand, you're another academic."
"Yes." Delphine smiles brightly, and it's true, she does understand. Mike is pleasant and courteous and everything she could have hoped for for these dates. It's been a fun enough distraction, there's no spark - no surprise there with her, but it's enough for now, she reasons to herself.
"I mean, I can tell you're somewhere else... probably cannot wait to get back in the field."
"I'm considering it," Delphine bites her lip, "I've been offered the chance to go dig in Peru this summer."
"Oh you should take it," Mike encourages her, "Another addition to your well-padded resumé."
'I think I will." Delphine nods, "I haven't told anyone else about Peru yet."
"What's in Peru for you, aren't you the bone lady?"
"World's oldest mummies are found in Peru," Delphine informs him with a genuine smile, her eyes finally meeting his, as she engages him on her research.
She gazes out the window of his sedan, listening to Mike speak, watching for her apartment building. Almost home, she promises herself, almost done.
"I had a really great time Delphine," Mike tells her, unbuckling his seat-belt.
"Thank you, dinner was lovely." Delphine smiles back, she reaches for the door.
"It doesn't have to be over yet," Mike's hand has found it's way into her hair as he pulls her in for a kiss. She returns the kiss as more of a courtesy than a matter of passion.
It's gentle, for a moment or two, before his tongue insistently finds its way into her mouth, stroking deeply. Delphine looks out the window behind him, she could take him up to her apartment, maybe she should want to. Maybe, even if the sex was lackluster, or rough, it would be a good distraction from her mind. Mike is certainly handsome enough, intelligent enough and he's made no demands on her.
She breaks the kiss with a sheepish smile, looking into his dazed eyes. Why were men always so easy? So eager? Could he not feel her reluctance? Not sense that she wasn't really in it? Or did he simply not care? Just wanting a night of sex or an orgasm from her?
"Non." Delphine smiles leaning in to give Mike a final kiss on the cheek, "Goodnight."
"Goodnight." He says back, seemingly confused, "Is something wrong?"
"Non," Delphine assures him, loading on the charm, "Non, it's fine. Goodnight."
She slips from the car, and offers a final wave before making her way back up to her apartment.
"Good God Cosima, you are so miserable tonight." David lashes out in frustration, "Since you got home it's been one thing after another."
"So get some space." Cosima advises.
"I'm going to be away for the next three weeks for work, is that going to be enough space for you?'
"Sorry." Cosima apologizes glumly, "I just had a shit day and I'm not feeling well."
"Hell, I can't believe I'm saying this, call Felix tomorrow. Or go out with that… what's her name?"
"I'm not seeing her anymore." Cosima informs him quickly, she hadn't even been that into it. What was the point if she wasn't enjoying herself?
"Did she call it off?" David wonders aloud.
Cosima shakes her head, "No I did. It's … it's okay sex and everything but I don't want to. I'm not really feeling up to it."
"Have you thought about-"
"No. I am not taking a male lover, getting a hotel room and letting you watch and wank on the floor."
"What's your problem? You used to be into it."
"I was fascinated by it. I'd never heard of anyone with your kind of fetish, your desires, and it's interesting and I know it fixates on me and my pleasure and your own humiliation but… I am just not in the mood, okay?"
"What if it's a woman?"
"You don't get off on that as much, what you want is to watch a large man with a big dick fuck me, and eat me out when it's done and I just don't want to, okay?" Cosima flops back on her pillow so she can meet David's eyes.
"It's your pleasure I want," David tries again, "What about that archeology friend of yours, Delphine? You seem to spend a lot of time at Berkeley."
Cosima sits up in shock, "How do you even know that name? Are you spying on me now?"
"Cosima," David grabs her gently by the shoulders, "What's wrong? You're… you're not yourself."
"How do you know about Delphine?" Cosima repeats insistent on an answer.
"My mother mentioned you went to get coffee with her, I figured either it was a new lover or that you just needed some space from my parents, which I get."
Cosima sighs loudly, "Delphine and I get coffee and talk archeology. That's it." No need to get into the history, into everything that came before, she has to live here, in the present.
"Do you want to fool around?" David asks, "Ease some of your tension?"
"Ugh. No. Go shower." Cosima swats David back slightly.
"I'm not that sweaty. I just moved some furniture, because you wanted me to."
"You smell gross. Go shower." Cosima demands, burying her face into her pillow. The bed smells faintly of his sweat, it's unavoidable, but it bothers her more and more as time goes on.
"Are you not feeling well? You're kind of warm." David comments laying his hand to her forehead.
"Low grade fever. I'm fine." Cosima swats his hands off, "Don't mother me."
"Wasn't going to."
Cosima mumbles grumpily, ''I don't feel well, it's probably just a flu, I'll be fine. If you don't want to catch it, go sleep in the guest room."
"Okay, I'll go shower." David hops out of bed, making no move to cover himself, and steps out the door.
She falls asleep while the water is still running and sleeps until morning.
Delphine stares out the window of her office, it's nice on the weekends. Empty. Quiet. She hasn't even bothered to shut or lock the door. She can mark papers and lab reports in peace. Try not to think about Mike, or David or Cosima… just bury herself in her work.
"Can you take me home?" Cosima appears, pale and shaking at her door.
"Are you alright?" Delphine's arms are around her in an instant, she presses the back of her hand to Cosima's forehead.
"Fine. I'm fine..."
"What is it? What are you doing here?"
"Just a bad period." Cosima brushes her off, "Terrible cramps. Haven't started bleeding yet though. I feel gross. Coming to campus was a mistake. Please just take me home."
Delphine looks Cosima over, this doesn't look like cramps, or anything benign,"We're going to the hospital."
"No, no... just take me home." Cosima's shaking her head, "I have the car."
"You're cramping but not bleeding, feverish and... we're going to the hospital." Delphine tells her firmly, "I'll drive."
She's unable to hide her deep concern as Cosima half-heartedly scoffs at her. What if something is seriously wrong? Has Cosima been careful with her lovers? Or has she been putting herself at risk.
Cosima whines, "Don't mother me."
"Then don't act like a child." Delphine retorts, looking down at the small brunette in her arms, "Hospital."
"Can't I just go to the clinic here?"
"No. It's Saturday, the clinic is closed." Delphine shakes her head as she leads Cosima from the building, "Where did you park?"