Well, this is another two-part chapter, I split again the PoV of the same event because I needed it. We begin with Meredith then we'll pick up in the next with Derek. It kind of came out of nowhere and I'll try to update the story as soon as I can.

The song is Tiger, My Friend by Psapp, featured in one of the first episodes of Grey's as well, probably even the first one. Anyway, enjoy it and I profusely apologize for the incredible delay, again. Don't worry, I had a short spring break and I took my time to bank some chapters, but I didn't had an Internet connection to update the story. I hope you're still out there and you'll remain there for the last bunch of chapters I have left. We'll end up around 30 chapters or something and there will be no sequel, believe me, the sequel on Soft Shock is massive enough. I have a couple of ideas more hidden in my drawer, ready to pop out as soon as i feel like publishing them.

Okay, sorry about the rambling, I'll leave you to the story.

Part 24 A – You're Always The Same

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

W. H. Auden

The Shepherds were coming West. The whole crew was moving to Seattle for Christmas. Alice would be one then and they have seen her mostly through photos only. Fifteen kids around, sixteen with her. I wasn't sure I could handle all of them together, even if I still had months to process it all.

Alice had been finally tucked in her crib and Derek blurt that out. I haven't seen him the whole day and the only thing he was able to say was that his entire family was flying over here for Christmas. Not that I wasn't glad, but it was still overwhelming. Especially lately, when things weren't going as good as always, our jobs taking away the biggest part of our days and our time together almost non-existent during the last few weeks. We stopped looking for each other at some point, knowing that it was useless, because we had been always too busy to even think about stopping and our schedules practically seemed made to make us avoid each other.

"Derek..." I sighed after he explained his Christmas plans. I only wanted to spend some quiet time with him and Alice.

"I know, I shouldn't have said yes, but..." he began apologizing

"No, it's fine." I cut him off "I'd like them to meet Alice in person now that she's growing."

"I should have asked first" he placed a soft kiss on my forehead and I leaned into his hug. "You're exhausted already, I shouldn't have done that..."

In a blink he became the old, hover-y Derek and everything seemed normal. Silence was welcomed, it meant that Alice was still soundly sleeping, despite her grumpiness and our consequent nights awake, adding their something to the already existing problems. Not that she was a problem, either she was the one keeping me and Derek together when we were angry to each other or simply too tired to even listen to one another. Even if he was right there, I missed him.

"Where were you last night? I've missed you" I said, to avoid falling asleep right at the kitchen table so he had to carry me to bed.

"I was at the hospital" he mumbled and he knew that it was pointless to ask that question lately

"Were you on call?" I didn't even knew his crazy schedules anymore, I barely could keep up with mine.

He sighed heavily, then shook his head. I looked up and I saw guilt in his eyes. He seemed strange from the moment I asked about last night, but this topped it all. Something was off

"Derek, what did you do?" He knew I was getting worried because he began rubbing my back gently "Why haven't you called to say you had to stay late?" I added, staring up at him and his searching face.

The usually quick and cocky answer needed a little more time to come out and it wasn't in his usual confident tone but barely a mumble "Because it was really late" his face looked still guilty, though

"You know it's never too late. Alice kept me up at least till two this morning. You could have texted at least" I sighed, still analyzing his odd behavior and at the same time thinking back at the awful night Alice had. No doubt that she was sleeping like a hog tonight.

"I slept in the on-call room the whole night Meredith" he confessed, his gaze avoiding mine

"Why?" I sighed again "Just say it, I'm glad if you only slept" I snapped a little harshly. It was easier to snap at him lately, despite how much I hated venting my problems on him all the time. I was just tired of everything. life was just this overwhelming mess and if he added things to it I didn't know how to handle all of it anymore.

"You thought I was with someone else?" his hands fell on the table letting go of me, his body suddenly stiff, a frown creasing his forehead. He was angry, I could see in his eyes and I couldn't blame him. I just didn't know what to think anymore.

"Not a second, but I was worried" his demeanor though was still hostile "Tell me why you stayed" I almost pleaded him.

"We're exhausted, it's no big deal, let's just go to bed" he cut me off, but I knew there was something more

"Derek" I snapped again, harshly.

"I'm so sorry"

As he apologized, I pushed him away, standing up and leaning against the counter, pretending to clear the table, keeping my hands occupied with something to not hit him. Because hitting him seemed the only sane solution right then. Hitting him was going to feel immensely good.

"I can't believe you stayed to sleep and you didn't even called" I mumbled to myself but loud enough he could hear.

"I had a long surgery, you know that..." he trailed off, defensively

"That was my surgery too, of course I know!" I hissed, my voice rising

"I was tired Mer" his gaze softened, but I couldn't let go of my building anger

"Do you think I wasn't? Who the hell am I, Wonder Woman?" I glared at him

"You kind of are, yeah" he smirked cockily and I'm sure he meant it, but I was too pissed at that point to smile too

"Stop joking! I've never been more serious!" I snapped and his grin faded quickly

"Sorry"

"Go wake your daughter and tell her. She cried all night for you!" tears brimming in my eyes again, recalling the bad night Alice had the day before

"Mer" he began, but I wasn't clearly finished

"Don't 'Mer' me! You promised to kiss her goodnight. She's nine months old, she's not dumb, you know that. She freaking waited for you!" I was yelling loudly now, all the exhaustion flowing out angrily. As much as I hated yelling, I hated it more when it was against Derek, even when he was an ass.

"I should have called"

"You should have been here, damn it!" I slammed my hand on the counter harshly and a few plates clinked.

"I'm sorry" his voice was small while I kept roaring in his face

"I would have let you stay if you just called. She cried herself to sleep for you!"

"Meredith" my name rolling out of his lips like a plea

"And I was going to be the worst parent..." I said, walking my way out of there, because I always been good at walking away from things. A fight was the last thing I needed that day.

"Don't you dare..." he grabbed my forearm, holding tightly but without hurting. I was sure he would never hurt me. We would yell, he would call me a lemon and hide in the trailer or stop talking to me for days, but he would never hurt me on purpose. At least physically

"Get the hell out Derek! Go get you good night sleep!" I shouted in his face while he wrapped his arms around me, holding me there

"Please" he let go of me and stared deeply into my eyes, right into my soul, but I was still too angry to forgive him just yet

"Out Derek. Drag your stupid ass out of this house and go sleep at the hospital if here it's too loud!"

I angrily opened the door for him, then he walked out, tears pooling in his eyes while he shuffled out in a funereal pace. My tears, instead, were already unleashed, streaming down my cheeks. I slammed the door behind him, sinking to the floor immediately, curled in a ball, unable to stop crying, my chin leaning on my bent knees.

It was something stupid and I made a big –huge– deal about it. His family was coming over for Christmas, he slept at the hospital to actually rest and I was so exhausted I couldn't take anymore.

I couldn't stop sobbing. I yelled with no good reason. I kicked him out of our house. We screamed in each other faces over nothing. Nothing!

He didn't deserved this.

I could hear a piercing cry coming from upstairs. We yelled so loudly that Alice woke up. I banged my head to the door, hating myself even more for my pointless outburst. I didn't gave him the chance to kiss her goodnight for the second night in a row. I stood up, trying to calm my sobs and brushing away my tears with the back of my hand while I went up to soothe Alice.

When I arrived in her room, she was rolling from one side to the other, screaming more than she ever did. I picked her in my arms immediately and she was still fussing, wriggling in my arms. I sat her on my lap on the rocking chair and she leaned immediately against my chest, nuzzling her face on my breast and putting her whole hand in her mouth. I gently rocked her back and forth, trying to calm myself with her. When her breath was back to normal and I thought she was sleeping again, she tilted up her head, locking her perfectly green eyes with mine despite the dim light. Both were pools of tears and I could see uncertainty in hers. I never thought she would get so scared. She was waiting for me to tell her that everything would have been okay from now on. How could I tell her I kicked out her Daddy after yelling over nothing?

"I'm sorry Peanut" I whispered, kissing the top of her head softly, trying to find a way to fix things while she leaned back on my chest, sucking her thumb and I just held her, trying to soothe her worries, rubbing her back in circles. She didn't deserved this.

And again, the creeping feeling of being a bad mother began haunting me, the fact that I didn't let her Daddy kiss her goodnight again wasn't fair for her, so I just held her on my lap, waiting for some kind of magical trick to put things back how they were, when we were all smiley and happy.

AN: Okay, it was short and with an unexpected delay but I hope you like it anyway. I'll try to update as soon as I can because I don't want to leave this fight hanging on the story much longer.

Thank you for reading this, I'm so glad you're still out there enjoying my story!