Chapter 24: Only Fooling Myself
Spencer let out a sigh of relief as she followed her brothers through the front door of her home. She had avoided eye contact and any type of communication with Ashley for a horrible two weeks. Her addictive brown eyes, beautiful soft brown tresses, muscular frame, and sexily husky voice was all avoided. As hard as it was to give in apologize and hug the brunette, Spencer never did.
Each day she had the word HATE running through her head as to warn her of the outcome of giving in to her feelings. She was proud of herself but then she hated herself. It was a constant battle between heart and mind. When she was ready to follow her heart into Ashley's arms her head came in screaming 'hate' and when she was ready to follow her head Ashley came running to her with open arms. It was an ongoing war of never ending battle after battle. The last battle had been fought though, the end to this war. It ended with Spencer's choice, her choice of unhappiness and lies.
After putting her stuff in her room Spencer made her way down to the kitchen to grab a snack. There she saw her mother on the phone talking away.
Paula: "So, he'll be here around 7? Ok...That is great...They'll be perfect for each other...I know I can't wait...Ok...I'll talk to you later. Bye."
Paula smiled as she pressed the end button on the phone, ending the call. She set the phone down and looked at the table with satisfaction and happiness written across her face.
Spencer closed the refrigerator door and her mother jumped up in her seat looking at her smiling.
Paula: "Hi honey I didn't see you there."
Spencer: "Hello."
Spencer continued to pour her apple juice as Paula rose to her feet and made her way over the island which she was now leaning on.
Paula: "So, how was your day?"
Spencer put the bottle of apple juice away and closed the fridge door. She stayed standing there just staring at the few family pictures held up by magnets on the machine. She sighed and slowly turned around to face her overly happy mother.
Spencer: "Mom, who is coming over?"
Paula: "Oh no one just a boy."
Spencer: "Why is this boy coming over Mom? And don't play stupid I know what you're planning."
Paula: "He's a friend's son. He's a very sweet handsome boy. I'm sure you will like him."
Spencer: "So, you invited this boy over to meet me without my permission?"
Spencer looked at her mom angrily and Paula walked around the island to where Spencer was leaning on the counter and put a hand on her arm.
Paula: "Spence, you haven't met anyone out here and the whole thing with Ashley, so I'm just bringing this boy here to I don't know, help you find your way."
Spencer: "Aren't I supposed to find my own way? This is MY life."
Paula: "I'm only trying to push you in the right direction."
Spencer: "What makes you so sure I'm headed the wrong way?"
Paula lifted her arms dramatically in the air.
Paula: "Hmm let me think...Ashley. Spencer, I know you aren't speaking to her but I'm not sure of what you felt for her has gone."
It hasn't.
"And you know what you felt for her was wrong. So, Jared, the boy that's coming over will fix you. I promise. I'm only trying to help."
Spencer: "I honestly do not need your help with my life."
With that said Spencer slammed her half empty glass of apple juice onto the counter, brushed past her mother, and then father who had just walked through the front door, up the stairs, and to her room where she slammed her door.
After just laying there for a second with a grumbling stomach, she remembered why she had gone down to the kitchen. She rose to her feet and slowly made her way down the stairs closer and closer to the loud voices of her mother and father. She stopped when she saw her mother and father standing in the doorway, clearly arguing. She walked up a few more stairs so as to stay hidden and then took a seat to hear what was being said.
Arthur: "Paula, how could you invite some boy who Spencer doesn't even know over to get to know her without her permission?
Thank you dad.
Paula: "I didn't know it was that big of a deal."
Umm yeah. Some strange boy feeling me up. Woo!
Arthur: "Um yeah it is. What were you even trying to accomplish out of this?"
Paula: "Who says I was trying to accomplish anything."
Ugh I hate her sometimes. No, most of the time.
Arthur: "Paula, all of your actions are made for some reason that'll benefit your being."
True true.
Paula: "Ok! I'm worried about Spencer."
Here we go again. Why can't she just see that I am perfectly fine. Well sort of.
Arthur: "What is there to be worried about? I see nothing wrong with her."
Paula: "Arthur she's gay!"
Spencer rolled her eyes as she sat on the stairs.
Arthur: "No, she isn't! How so?"
Paula: "Did you see the way she looks at that that girl Ashley? Did you? Did you see the way they interacted? You might not have but I did and I know there was something going on. There is no way they could have been undeniably happy and be just friends. There was something going on."
Arthur stood there and let all of the realization hit him. He now noticed all the glances, innocent gestures, playful banters, everything that happened between his daughter and Ashley when he had seen them together. It hit him hard, because he had just realized his daughter, his only daughter was in fact gay.
Arthur: "I...I she is."
He put a hand up to his mouth and with that same hand traveled it up his face to the top of his head where he ran shaking fingers through his short dark hair.
Arthur: "Shit..."
Spencer just sat on the stairs and let the tears fall from her eyes. The one person who she believed would be ok with her if Ashley was her choice was the same as the others. The thought running back to Ashley just flew out of her mind with the thought of her dad not being accepting. She gathered herself up and ran to her room. She threw herself on her bed and cried because she knew she could never be the person who she believed she was. She knew she could never like Ashley the way she did. At least not in this household.
I can't be gay here. No one will love me. Mom was right. I can't have Ashley in my life anymore because it'll only make matters worse. I'm going to suck it up and enjoy the company of this guy. I mean how bad could he be? I have been with guys and only guys. What would be the difference now?
Continuing Arthur and Paula's conversation...
Arthur: "Shit..."
Paula: "I told you and you know how sinful and wrong it is and I can't have her like that in this household. So, he's coming to help fix her."
Arthur looked at Paula astonished.
Arthur: "Nothing is wrong with who she is Paula. If she likes girls so what, it's not wrong to love someone of the same gender."
Paula: "Yes, it is."
Arthur: "Says who?"
Paula: "Says the Bible Arthur! Says God! It's wrong to feel the way she is feeling and if she wants to be like that and make that horrendous choice, she will not be mine."
Arthur: "Are you kidding me?! You are terrible and I can't believe you. You would disown her?!"
Paula: "Yes."
Arthur: "How could you proudly say that. Have you told her any of this this bull shit."
Paula: "What if I have?"
Arthur: "I can't believe you Paula."
Arthur glared at her and took off and up the stairs to his room to get ready for dinner.
I need to talk to Spencer about what Paula said later. I hope she's not freaked out. Ugh. Damn you Paula.
--
Meanwhile Ashley sat on her bed legs crossed, guitar beside her, journal in lap, and pen in hand. Since she met Spencer she learned how to let all of her feelings onto a piece of paper instead of bringing pain upon herself. Her childhood journal was used to write all of her songs, poems, or just feelings.
She usually wrote when she was feeling, when something was really bothering her, or when she just couldn't say what she wanted to out loud.
Ashley was staring down at the blank page in her lap. She had been sitting in the same spot for about thirty minutes and she hadn't written one word. Everything she felt and wanted to say was floating in her brain, she just didn't know how to put it into words.
She began to bite on her pen as she looked up and was met with a grinning Spencer looking back at her. She smiled at the picture and then frowned at remembrance of what was unfolding at the moment. She lost Spencer.
She quickly adverted her eyes back to the blank page and brought the pen down to paper, words spilling out of her mind and brought to life with the ink now on the paper.
She wrote, crossed out, wrote, bit her pen, wrote, crossed out, tapped her pen, and wrote some more until she was satisfied.
She smiled down at the now filled page and grabbed her guitar. She slowly began to strum as she closed her eyes and began to sing.
I stop to catch my breath
And I stop to catch your eye
No need to second-guess
That you've been on my mind
Well I, I dream days away, but that's ok
It's like I want to hear a silent sound
And then hold it in my hand
But a rose won't blossom from a ground
Of desert sand, but I like to pretend that
She began strum harder and bob her head as she sang all of what she was feeling. She let her frustration with Spencer and her world out in this song.
One day I'll turn around, I'll see your hand reach out
I'm only fooling myself, yeah yeah yeah
But maybe when you smile
It means you'd stay awhile
Just maybe you'd save me now
She now closed her eyes relishing in all that she was saying. She knew it was all true. She gave herself false hope in thinking that Spencer wanted her, with all the innocent flirting, subtle touches, lengthened hugs, everything that Spencer did made her think the girl wanted her.
Well, now it's etched in stone
That I can't survive alone
You have the missing piece
That I need so desperately
Yes, I slip away to a day that'll never come
She knew she needed Spencer, the girl meant everything to her, but Spencer made it clear that she didn't need her.
It's like a splash of water to my face
When I suddenly realize
That you could never find a place
For me in your eyes, and I don't know why I keep thinking
Ashley knew she could never have Spencer, since the girl was so fearful and probably never saw her in a more than friend way.
One day I'll turn around, I'll see your hand reach out
I'm only fooling myself, yeah yeah yeah
But maybe when you smile
It means you'd stay awhile
Just maybe you'd save me now
Or maybe she did.
It's love in disguise
I'm lost in your eyes
Lost in your eyes
Strumming harder Ashley sang the words even louder.
One day I'll turn around, I'll see your hand reach out
I'm only fooling myself, yeah yeah yeah
But maybe when you smile
It means you'd stay awhile
Just maybe you'd save me now
One day I'll turn around, I'll see your hand reach out
I'm only fooling myself, yeah yeah yeah
But maybe when you smile
It means you'd stay awhile
Just maybe you'd save me nowI'm only fooling myself
I'm only fooling myself
Oh save me now
I'm only fooling myself
Yeah save me now
She slowed down her strumming and brought her song to an end.
She smiled because she felt amazing. She had put all that she felt into that song and she really liked the outcome of it. She felt even more amazing that she had sung. There was something that much more satisfying in singing something that you wrote with a guitar in hand, rather than reading it out loud or silently to yourself.
Just then she looked up to see Kyla smiling at her. Ashley looked at her half sister with wide eyes, embarrassed that she'd been caught singing. She'd always been self conscious of her voice even though it was utterly amazing.
Kyla knew exactly what she was thinking so she walked over and sat next to her.
Kyla: "That was amazing Ash."
Ashley: "No, you're just being nice."
Kyla: "No, really it was. You have an awesome voice."
Ashley looked down blushing.
Ashley: "Thanks."
Kyla began to reach forward so as to grab the journal from Ashley's lap.
Kyla: "Can I..."
Ashley quickly put her hand atop the journal and shook her head.
Ashley: "No."
Kyla: "I just want to read the lyrics."
Ashley: "You heard them."
Kyla sighed and looked forward at the picture of Spencer.
Kyla: "I know who it's about."
Ashley looked down at her floor.
Ashley: "That's great."
Kyla: "Ash, you know she's just scared. You know she wants you."
Ashley: "It doesn't matter anymore, she made her choice."
Kyla: "Ash, talk to her. If you want her back in your life more than likely you're going to have to get passed what she's done and the pain she's caused you, just put yourself in her shoes. Her family is crazy religious and they are pretty much a family you see on TV. Picture perfect. Imagine if you were her."
Ashley: "Whatever Kyla. That doesn't even matter, if she wanted me so bad she wouldn't care what people thought or she would of already apologized. It has been two weeks."
Kyla: "Whatever Ash. If you want your girl back you're going to need to be the bigger person. Tell me when you want her and I'm willing to help."
Ashley rolled her eyes as Kyla got up from the bed and silently made her way out the door. Ashley set her guitar on the floor and got up from her bed, where she grabbed her journal and pen. She threw the pen onto her desk and set the journal in the drawer she'd always kept it in.
She then turned her iHome on and let the music fill her room as she laid down on her bed.
Maybe it is time to just give in and run back to her. No, if she wants to even be my friend she would of ran to me a week ago. Ugh! Spencer, my life was fine before you came. Ok that's a lie. You fixed it and then walked out.
Ashley: "Ugh women are so complicated."
--
It was now dinner time at the Carlin's. They all sat in their usual places with a new comer squeezed in beside Spencer.
After prayer they began to eat and their usual discussions when they had a guest.
Arthur: "So, Jared I hear you play football for Ocean High."
Jared: "Yes sir. I'm the starting running back. I average about three touchdowns a game."
Arthur: "Wow. That's amazing."
Jared: "I'm captain too."
Hey looked over at Spencer smiling, trying to impress her with his good looks and amazing athleticism. Spencer smiled at him as well. This gesture of course did not go unnoticed by Paula who looked up at Arthur smirking.
Glen: "So, do you play basketball?"
Jared: "Actually I do. I'm the starting power forward."
Glen: "Ha! Well I can't wait until the season starts and King plays you guys."
Jared: "What position do you play?"
Glen: "Starting point guard. I average about twenty a game."
Jared: "Impressive for a point guard. I average about the same."
Paula: "So, you're a senior right?"
Jared: "Yes ma'am. After this school year is over I plan on attending USC. They've been looking at me for a while and more than likely I'll get a full ride for football and my grades."
Clay: "What are you're grades like."
Jared: "Well right now I have a 4.0."
Clay: "I do as well."
Paula: "That's amazing. Right Spencer."
Spencer put on a rather fake smile, that went unnoticed by everyone.
Spencer: "Yeah it's awesome."
Paula: "Spencer here is an amazing dancer. She used to be a cheerleader in Ohio, but right now she's just sticking to ballroom."
Jared looked at Spencer with a 'that's hot' look and smiled.
Jared: "That's awesome. I'm a terrible dancer."
Hmm let's have some fun.
Spencer: "Maybe I can teach you one day."
Spencer smirked and whispered. "Horizontal."
Jared began to cough as Spencer snickered to herself.
Paula: "Are you ok?"
Jared: "Yeah...just...went..." cough "down the" cough "wrong...hole."
He took a big gulp of his water and looked at Spencer with wide eyes. She just looked at him innocently while batting her eye lashes.
Dinner finally finished and Jared was leaving with Spencer leading him towards.
Jared: "I had an awesome night."
Spencer: "Yeah it was great."
Jared: "Can I have your number?"
Spencer: "Yeah sure."
They switched numbers.
Jared: "So I'll see you around then."
Spencer: "Totally."
Jared leaned forward and placed a kiss on Spencer's cheek and whispered into her ear.
Jared: "I'll be waiting for those dancing lessons."
Spencer rolled her eyes and smiled as he pulled away from her.
Spencer: "Bye."
Jared: "Bye."
He began to walk off and she closed the door wiping her cheek.
Gross.
Spencer made her way to the kitchen where her mom was. Paula looked up from washing the dishes and smile at her.
Paula: "So, what did you think?"
Might as well start living up to her expectations. Maybe this guy will help me forget Ashley. Don't kid yourself. It's worth a shot. I guess.
Spencer: "Oh he was great. I got his number and he wants to see me again."
Paula: "This is awesome. I told you this boy would help."
Paula was smiling brightly and Spencer couldn't bring herself to wiping that smile off her face. This is the first time in a long time that she's seen her mom happy at her. She liked the feeling.
Her mom was happy for her. Her mom was smiling and humming happily to herself because of her. What Spencer had just said may have been a lie she liked her mom being proud of her. She liked it a lot because she hadn't felt this feeling of love from her mother in a while. Since she moved here.
Maybe this wouldn't be so hard.
Arthur never talked to Spencer that night. He had seen the interaction between Jared and Spencer and believed it to be real. So, he saw no reason to say that he'd accept her for who she is...
--The song was by Kate Voegele. It's called Only Fooling Myself..gosh I love her :) gorgeoussss lol and a great singer..ok distracted
Wow Paula is a douche bag..OK! Sorry it's been awhile I know...But yeah here it is...And you guys should like the next chapter...I have it written so yeah...Sorry I took so long and sorry I'm taking so long with this story...Not my fault...But whew I am almost done...lol...Well comments are welcomed...Thanks for staying with me this long. Once again thanks.