Chapter Twenty Five: Never Close Yours Lips Where You Have Opened Your Heart
The ride home was excessively quiet. Don kept looking over at Charlie, expecting him to say something… anything. But, the young man simply stared out the side window, lost in thought. He knew that Charlie was angry with him for leaving the hospital to confront Valdario, but there was nothing he could do about that now. He was certain that he would be facing a suspension at the very least for his actions, but that wasn't what really bothered him. It was Charlie, the look of disbelief, of anger and of disappointment in his brother's eyes; that was his real punishment. He was only gone for two hours, but that was all the time it took for Special Agent Don Eppes to sabotage his career and betray his brother's trust. Colby had arrived at the detention facility only minutes after he had, just in time to stop him from doing any permanent damage to their case. Facing the dutiful questions and trying to explain himself to his fellow agent had been easy compared to going back to the hospital and facing the accusing eyes of his tormented brother.
'How could you just leave like that? I needed you here, Don! We needed you!'
Don was almost relieved by Charlie's anger. At least he had stopped shaking and was able to answer questions and interact without that shell-shocked look in his eyes. That look, however, had been replaced with an expression of fury and betrayal that served to exponentially increase the guilt that Don was already feeling. He'd expected that vibe to continue on the ride home, but now, Charlie just looked sad; As if… as if he had lost something dear to him. That bothered Don more than the initial shock, or the even the anger. This emotion was not some temporary result of trauma. This was something that he knew Charlie would be feeling for a long time to come. It was a feeling of despair that he knew quite well.
At some point during the ride, Charlie had reached up and adjusted the rear view mirror so that he could see Adam from the passenger seat. As closely as the large black FBI tactical van was traveling behind them, Don was tempted to move it back into position. But, as often as Charlie's eyes were traveling from the window to the mirror, he was almost afraid to. And after all, it was Charlie's car. So, instead, Don dropped his eyes to the right and the left, checking the side view mirrors. Colby was keeping his SUV lined up directly with them, covering the passenger side of the car, and the driver's side of the small blue Prius was being flanked by a second SUV. Leading the procession was another van, whose driver was setting the pace in excess of the speed limit by about 10 miles per hour. There was no way, short of an RPG attack, that anyone from the Valdario cartel was going to get near the Eppes family, which made Don simultaneously tense and relieved. They were safe… for now.
As they approached the driveway of the craftsman house, the two vans quickly pulled up onto the curb and before Don even put the Prius into park, five agents had surrounded the vehicle. Climbing out of the driver's seat, Don looked up at the front of Charlie's home.
'When did I start thinking of this as Charlie's home and not mine?'
Catching sight of his father looking out the window, Don nodded his head in acknowledgment. The relief of actually setting eyes on his sons was openly visible on Alan's face and Don just hoped that once he knew the details about everything that had happened, that expression wouldn't transform into anger. The agent next to him spoke, diverting his train of thought.
"Sir, we need to get you out of the open."
"Yeah…okay."
Leaning down into the car, Don glanced from Adam to Charlie.
"The agents are going to escort us in. Are you ready?"
Charlie nodded without verbally responding and leaned in between the seats to unbuckle Adam. The baby remained asleep as he pulled him close to his chest and climbed out of the car. Even knowing that they were surrounded by federal agents who were charged with protecting them from any more harm, Charlie couldn't help but turn his head to scan the yard and the street behind them. As they met at the front of the car, the whole group of agents merged together to form a human barrier around the Eppes brother's and they all headed toward the front door.
His phone conversation with Don had left Alan beside himself with worry and fear. He had barely been able to refrain from being overwrought by those feelings as he had seen Don step out of the car in one piece. His son's reassuring nod had actually made him feel a little weak in the knees, but he waited until he saw Charlie step from the vehicle before he allowed himself to move away from the window. Sagging against the couch for support, Alan turned toward the dining room where Amita was standing. She had arrived moments before the first throng of agents had descended upon the craftsman house just after the kidnapping attempt. And, in spite of her protests that she should be at the hospital with Charlie, she was not allowed to leave. The lead agent in the protection detail was insistent that she remain at the Eppes' home until Charlie and the baby were secure, and until they were able to get an LAPD patrol to clear her apartment in case she had been targeted due to her associated with the family.
The woman that Alan hoped might one day be his daughter-in-law gave him an encouraging smile as one of the agents inside the house opened the front door. Once Don, Charlie and Adam were safely inside the domicile and the door had been closed, Alan all but launched himself at his sons. Encircling them all in a firm embrace, Alan had to fight his emotions as he felt Don and Charlie both return the squeeze. Amita remained in the dining room, making no effort to hold back her tears as the family held together in an uncharacteristic group hug for a moment. When Alan finally released his boys, he stepped back and looked over Charlie critically. The hospital had given him a set of scrubs to change into, and Alan couldn't help but shudder at the thought of the condition his clothes must have been in. He noted the bandage on his temple and the stitches in his neck with increasing dismay. Don had told him that Charlie was fine, but his son looked anything but fine. Giving his full attention to the baby in his son's arms, Alan could see that Adam too had been given clean clothes. The blanket that the baby was wrapped in was crisp, and obviously fresh from the hospital nursery.
Alan reached forward the pulled the wrap up around the sleeping baby's chin. "Here, Charlie. Let me take him."
"No!" Charlie quickly stepped back, clutching the sleeping child up to his chest. "I have him, okay?"
Seeing the surprise and hurt in his father's face, Charlie softened his tone.
"I'm... sorry. It's been... Look, I just want to stay with him."
The moment of family unity was obviously over when Charlie turned and shot an angry look at his older brother.
"I want to be with him. In case he needs me."
Turning back to his father, the angry look melted away and suddenly Charlie looked hopelessly forlorn and defeated.
"I'm… I'll just go lay him down in his crib. He's out like a light because of the stress and the sedative that they gave him."
Without waiting for a reply, he turned quickly and headed upstairs. Alan turned a hurt and confused expression to Don.
"Donnie?"
"Dad."
With a deep sigh, Don diverted his eyes to the floor. After a moments silence, he spoke, choosing not to address his father's implied question.
"He almost last Adam twice today. I don't think he will let anyone near him for a while. I wouldn't be surprised if he slept in the rocking chair in the nursery tonight."
Alan stood and stared at his eldest son, knowing full well he would not get an elucidation as to the reason behind Charlie's open hostility without further questioning. There were obvious reasons for Don to feel culpable for what had happened today, and Charlie had every right to be sullen and frightened. But it was clear that something had happened between them to amplify those emotions. If he stood there and waited for Don to say something, Alan knew he would be waiting forever. With all of the agents, Don's peers and coworkers, in and about the house, it wasn't an appropriate time for them to talk about it.
"Dad, I have to…I have work to do."
Alan nodded as Don turned and walked over to where several agents had begun to gather around the dining room table where they were discussing the protection details for the rest of the weekend. He noticed that Amita had slipped out of the dining room and was standing at the foot of the stairs, her face turned up toward the second floor. After several minutes of silent contemplation, the young woman slowly mounted the stairs as if in an effort to make as little noise as possible. Watching her disappear up the stairs, Alan turned back to the discussion around the dining room table.
Amita moved quietly down the hall, stopping in front of the nursery door. Charlie was standing at the crib, gently rubbing Adam's back. After several minutes, he dropped his arm and allowed his head to fall toward his chest. Suddenly, he began to sway on his feet and he moved backward drunkenly, collapsing into the rocking chair.
"Charlie." She spoke under her breath, and Charlie gave no indication that he had heard her say his name. She was immediately frightened that he was suffering from some somatic effect for the ordeal at the hospital, but as she moved into the room she realized that he was not overcome by dizziness or pain, but by emotion. Her heart broke as she watched him cover his face in his hands and begin to weep silently, his shoulders shaking with his voiceless lament.
"Oh, Charlie."
Crossing the floor, Amita pulled out the small stool that was tucked in along side of the changing table and used it to sit down in front of him. After a few moments, Charlie looked up. He allowed the tears to run freely down his face, not knowing or not caring that she was seeing this raw display of emotion from him.
"I thought I knew... After the shooting at the FBI offices I thought I really knew what fear was."
Charlie spoke in a halting voice that was thick with emotion, not trying to hide or even control the profound nature of what he was feeling.
"What I felt today..." He paused to breathe through the sob that was threatening to escape his throat. "… it transcends anything I have ever experienced before."
He looked up and into the face of the woman in front of him as fresh tears dropped from his expressive eyes.
"Even when mom was dying... I have never felt this sensation. Amita, I would swear to you that my heart actually stopped beating for a moment. I almost lost him... I... I pointed a gun at another human being today and pulled the trigger."
Amita's eyes flew open wide, unable to hide her surprise at this pronouncement. That must have been one of the details that Don left out when he called Alan. Charlie saw her shocked expression and allowed a harsh laugh to escape him.
"I didn't kill him. The safety was on, but if it hadn't been… Amita, the intent was still there. I was so scared… I'm still scared. When that man, Belt was his name… when Belt pointed his gun at Adam and said…"
Charlie was unable to stop the sob that escaped him as he continued.
"…When he said that he had warned me and to say 'bye bye', I knew it was over. I turned and wrapped my body around him, but the bullet would have gone right through me. It would have still killed him. Agent Greer saved us today. If it weren't for him… I really would have lost him forever."
Amita tried to camouflage her horrified expression as she reached out and took his hand. Much to her own surprise, she was also speechless and within seconds, Charlie continued.
"What am I going to do? I don't know what to do with these feelings, I can't make them go away, I can't quantify them, I have no control over them, but I have to - I have to control this. I have to figure out a way to..."
Finding her voice, Amita cut him off.
"To what, Charlie"
Charlie looked over at the crib and watched the steady rise and fall of Adam's back as he slept. He wasn't worried about disturbing the child because he was still under the effects of the sedative that was given to him at the hospital.
"I can't feel this way!"
"Why, Charlie?"
Amita could feel tears filling her own eyes as she inventoried the changes that this child had made in Charlie's life….in their lives.
"You love this child. There is nothing wrong with that."
Charlie tore his eyes from the slumbering baby and stared at Amita.
"It is wrong, Amita. I'm not his father... but… God help me he feels like my son. When his aunt and uncle come to get him... Amita, how am I going to do this? I have been trying to distance myself from him, but I... I don't know how, and after today I know now that I can't."
He hung his head in defeat and whispered, "I can't not love him. I can't not need him."
"And you shouldn't even try, Charlie. You shouldn't even have to try!"
Her tears spilled over the rims of her eyes and ran down her cheeks, dropping to the floor in fat drops.
"Don't you see; you cared for this baby before his parents died. You still cared for him after they died, and that turned into love. There is no turning back now. Love has no limits, Charlie."
"I have only been taking care of him for four months. I'm not his family. I have no right..."
Amita's eyes flashed as she looked up him.
"That's ridiculous, Charlie! Do you think that parents who adopt children love them any less than parents who have had children of their own? Love isn't bound by time or distance or blood . You love Adam today and you always will. When his aunt and uncle come for him, you will still love him...
When he goes back to the east coast with them, you will still love him...
When you have a child of your own, you will still love him.
You have every right to love him. That love is what has made you such a wonderful guardian. That love is why Ethan chose you for him."
Charlie's tears had stopped as he listened to Amita. Knowing that she was right didn't make it any easier. When it was time for Adam to leave he knew that his heart would break in two. He looked into her eyes and found himself drawn to her in a way he never had before. Without really knowing why the impulse came over him, he took both of her hands in his and drew her close.
"Amita, will you marry me?"
She leaned in to him and kissed him tenderly then pulled back slightly and stared directly into his eyes.
"No."
It took a moment for the word to register and the look of shock that widened his eyes prompted her to continue.
"Not like this."
Still holding his hands, Amita squeezed them tightly.
"Charlie, when you ask me that question, I want you to mean it."
He opened his mouth to defend his position, but she didn't let him continue.
"Our life together can't begin as a result of a loss or tragedy. If you want to be with me, it needs to be because you want me - not because you want something to fill a hole left by a different heartache."
A melancholy smile lifted the corner of Charlie's mouth. Amita's words, although painful to hear, were non-the-less true. Pulling her to his chest, he stroked her hair affectionately.
"Amita, will you help me? I need you to help me get through this."
Wrapping her arms around him, Amita buried her face in Charlie's neck.
"You know I will, Charlie. You know I will."
Don walked into the kitchen, leaving his father and the agents around the dining room table. Alan was writing down his daily schedule and what needs and supplies the family would require during the upcoming week. Happy to hear that his father actually intended to follow the advice of the agent in charge and stay at home until it was deemed safe, Don allowed the red door to close behind him. With a deep sigh, he leaned heavily against the kitchen counter.
"Don."
He twisted his head around to face the source of the distinctly female voice that had just spoken his name.
"Megan. When did you get here?"
"A few minutes ago."
Crossing her arms, Megan stared sternly at him over the island counter seperating them.
"What in God's name were you thinking, Don? Going down to the Rice Building to confront Valdario could have jeopardized this entire case!"
Unable to think of an appropriate answer, Don turned his back on her piercing green eyes. His lack of response fueled her anger and she practically shouted as she said, "You threatened a federal prisoner, Don!"
Turning back around, Don put his hands on the countertop and met her angry glare.
"Colby…"
She cut him off. "Colby kept you from making a colossal mistake. As it stands, you just made really big one! If you had actually hit him, then you can bet money on the fact that the defense would use that to what ever advantage they could. They might have even been able to get your testimony discounted!"
Megan's raised voice had carried into the dining room and Alan stepped through the door, rounding on his son.
"You went to see that drug lord? After what happened to Charlie and Adam? Donnie..."
Alan stammered, obviously at a loss for words. Don already felt terrible about what he had almost done. Colby had done a fine job driving home exactly what could have transpired if Don had been allowed to exact his ideas of revenge on Valdario. He didn't need Megan to expound on what he already knew. He had royally screwed up and now Charlie was angry and disappointed in him. To add insult to injury, Don was certain that Merrick would be along shortly to deliver his own remarks on the events that had transpired. He couldn't deal with the expressed condemnation of his father as well.
"Look, Dad, what I did... I did. I can't change that now and I will never be able to forgive myself for abandoning Charlie like that. He is obviously furious with me and he has every right to be, but that is something that we'll have to work out between us."
He turned steely eyes to back to Megan as he continued.
"And you… you know what I was thinking; or more to the point, that I wasn't thinking. That bastard almost killed my brother and his child twice today! Burrows is dead and that smug son of a bitch just sits there in prison watching it all unfold! We lost a damned fine agent today because he was protecting my family. You know perfectly well why I went down there, so don't even ask that question."
As Don spoke, Megan bowed her head in silent agreement. The vigorousness of her nod increased when he said, "And, when Merrick gets here, I'll be suspended… maybe even fired outright. I am well aware of the consequences of my actions, so lecturing me at this point isn't going to accomplish anything."
Alan gasped; the look of shock and disappointment on his face melting away, replaced with concern for his son. Megan was still upset with Don, but she also understood what he was feeling. Nevertheless, what he did went beyond unprofessional. He was a seasoned agent and he should have known better. Megan was thanking God, and every other deity she could think of, that Colby had anticipated where Don was going and what his intentions were. They were damned lucky that Colby had been there to prevent Don from actually hitting the man. Since there was no proof of his physical aggression, and no witnesses willing to testify to it, she was pretty sure that the defense was not going to be able to use it. But, that didn't change the fact that Don had lost all objectivity where Valdario was concerned. That, in its self, worried her.
Although he still did not fully understand what had happened to Charlie and Adam, or exactly what Don had done in response, Alan felt the need to defend his son and he turned on Megan.
"I don't pretend that anyone has shared any details about this with me, " As Alan paused to take a breath, Megan opened up her mouth to answer his perceived request for more information, but he cut her off before she could get a word out. "…and for the most part, I think that's for the best. I don't know what Don did, and I'm not sure I want to."
He cut his eyes over to Don as he continued. "I don't blame him for his actions, whatever they may have been. This… this Valdario…" he spat the name out with venom in his voice "...has attempted to hurt this family, to kidnap or murder Charlie and Adam! This drug lord has taken the lives of innocent people trying to keep his sorry ass out of prison. My son was only acting as any man would, given the circumstances, and it is unreasonable to fire him for that."
In spite of Don's anger and resentment at being the subject of this exchange, a feeling of warmth flooded through him from his father's show of unwavering support. Nevertheless, he was about to tell Alan that he didn't need his actions defended when a deep voice responded first.
"Don isn't going to be fired."
They all turned their heads toward the swinging door that lead from the kitchen as Walter Merrick entered the room, allowing the door to swing shut behind him.
"I think that once this Grand Jury hearing is over, a temporary leave of absence might be appropriate. Don't you agree, Agent Eppes?" He stopped in front of Don and gave him a look that plainly stated that that this was a non-negotiable suggestion.
Amita had somehow convinced Charlie to come down stairs and get some air out by the kio pond and they both stepped into the kitchen just as Don said, "Yes, Sir."
Charlie automatically assumed that Don had just been suspended for his impromptu trip to confront Valdario. Before he could say anything, Merrick noticed his arrival and turned toward him. "Are you all right, Doctor Eppes?"
"You're suspending Don?"
A slight smirk lifted the corners of Merrick's mouth as he turned to face Charlie. "Special Agent Eppes will be taking a leave of absence. That is all. Now, may I ask; are you and the baby all right?"
Giving Don a quick glance, Charlie nodded his head.
"We are as well as can be expected after what happened."
It took several hours for the atmosphere in the craftsman house to simmer down. The constant presence of armed federal agents traipsing from one room to another eventually died down to a single agent posted in the living room, near the front door, and one in the back hallway, watching over the rear door. They were keeping an agent in the garage; several on the grounds around the house, and with a surveillance team posted in a van on the curb, any visitor to see the Eppes family would be met by an armed brigade before they made it two feet onto the lawn.
Megan volunteered to see Amita safely home and once they were on their way, and Don had shown Merrick out, he found his way to the kitchen again. The house was silent for the first time since they had arrived home and Don stood for a moment, listening to the stillness. The past few months rushed past him in a blur and he allowed himself to drop heavily into one of the kitchen chairs. He tried to focus on the events of the day, but instead Don found himself plagued with memories of Robin and Daniel. Robin being on his mind, even amidst the chaos, made perfect sense since she had just been killed. But, why was he thinking about Daniel now? Even as he pondered that question, he knew the answer. In just over forty-eight hours he would have to re-live the experiences he had endured at the compound in Cali. And he knew, as surely as the sun rose each morning, Daniel's death and his feelings of culpability in that death would haunt him for the rest of his days.
He had dutifully gone to the department assigned psychologist and discussed the torture, the sleep and food deprivation and the abuses that he and the other harvesters had endured on a daily basis. He'd talked about the lashing he'd endured and the two days that he had hung outside, waiting to die. But, he had never discussed Daniel at all with his shrink… not even the rudimentary information about his death. In fact, Charlie was the only one he had even mentioned Daniel to outside of official meetings and debriefings.
Alan stepped into the kitchen quietly and watched his son for a few minutes before coming over and taking a seat at the table. When Don looked up into the older man's eyes, for the briefest glimmer of a second he saw Charlie's eyes staring back at him. In that instant, Don was hit with the realization that he had shut his father out of almost everything that had happened.
He could tell himself that it was because he wanted to protect him from the stress and worry. But for the most part, Alan knew the dangers that Don's job entailed. Telling himself that the information about the job in Columbia was classified had worked for a few days. Sharing the details of his assignment with Charlie hadn't even nullified that reason; since his brother had a higher level of security clearance than most of the agents he worked with. But, Don knew deep down that the real reason he had kept his father in the dark about his experiences in Cali was so that he would not see the disappointment in his eyes; the same disappointment that he had seen only hours ago in his brother's eyes.
Unbidden, a wave of emotion slammed into the agent like a tidal wave and he couldn't stop his body from trembling under the onslaught. He turned his face down and looked at the table, as tears of remorse and regret stung his eyes. As far back as he could remember, he had always thrilled in seeing true pride shining in his father's face. And to keep that look there, he had worked very hard to excel in all he did. Over the past two months he had built a wall around himself to keep his shame hidden; a shame that he was sure would strip that pride away. Just as suddenly, Don felt that he didn't deserve any of it. In the end; in his heart, he knew that he had allowed Daniel to die. Then, he had left his brother to fulfill a need for vengeance, when he should have been at his side supporting him. A hollow need, which had accomplished nothing except to make Charlie feel betrayed. He had utterly failed at everything that he had done, or not done, since that night in the wine cellar when he had held Daniel in his arms and watched his life fade away.
"I'm sorry, Dad. I'm really sorry."
Don's voice came out as a horse whisper and Alan reached across the table and placed his hands over his son's.
"I shut you out," Don kept his eyes on their hands as he spoke. "I let Charlie down and now I've jeopardized everything that we've worked for."
"Donnie, I don't know how much this case has been compromised by your visit to the prison today and I can't speak for Charlie or what transpired between you two. But, I can speak for myself."
Don looked up at his father and saw no recrimination, only compassion and love mixed with a little confusion.
"How have you shut me out, son?"
It was odd how a memory could come upon you so strongly that you would swear that it was real; and it was in that moment, Don clearly heard his mother's voice as if she were standing right behind him, speaking the phrase that she had uttered many times to him when he was a child.
'A lie of omission is still a lie, Donnie.'
"Dad, what happened in Colombia… I never talked with you about that."
Alan felt his gut tighten with an unpleasant mixture of anticipation and revulsion.
"I assumed that you would talk to me when you were ready. Has that time come?"
Indirectly answering the question by continuing to speak, Don pulled his hands out from under his father's warm grasp. "There are things that happened down there, Dad; things that I'm not proud of. A young man named Daniel was there. He and I ended up talking to each other a lot. I learned about his family; a family he wanted to go back to someday, after he got away from the drugs and straightened his life out."
Nodding in encouragement, Alan leaned back in the chair as Don continued.
"I told him about you and Charlie and how much I missed both of you. I kept the conversation general so that I wouldn't blow my cover, but somehow he figured out that I wasn't who I said I was. Then, he saw me when I stole the flash drives from the lab computer and he knew that I was the agent that the cartel had heard about. He knew that I was the reason that all of the Anglo men had been pulled from the fields and thrown into the cellar. I was the reason that we were being slowly starved to death. I was the reason for the beatings."
Alan blanched at what he was hearing, but he didn't interrupt his son. Don obviously needed to get this out.
"After I found the information we needed, I... I guess I just got sloppy. I dropped one of the flash drives that I took from the lab's computer. Daniel found it. He might have just given it back to me, but…"
Don stopped and his eyes took on a far away look as he remembered the events that lead to the young man's death.
"They found it on him. They knew the compound had been infiltrated by a US agent, and they assumed he wasthe spy. It all happened while I was out in the fields making my final drop. And they didn't just beat him, Dad, they tortured him. When I was brought back to the cellar and found out what had happened, I didn't know what to do. I was afraid that my cover had been blown and that I would be next. I didn't think that Daniel would be able to hold out against them. When he was brought back to the cellar, he was beaten so badly that he couldn't walk; he could barely move. I was ready for them to take me next. I knew it was over… but, they just left him there in the middle of the floor, bleeding, and walked out."
Alan leaned forward, trying to show his support without betraying the horror he was feeling inside. He had a very bad feeling about where this story was going and he knew that Don was bearing his soul right now.
"He said that he hadn't told them anything, but he was scared. He was an addict. They knew that, and he was terrified that they would use the drugs against him. He was sure that if they did that, he would be unable to prevent himself from telling them the truth about me. He said… he told me that his life was meaningless. He had never done anything but fail and disappoint his family, and now he had a chance to give his life some real meaning. He told me that he knew I was there to help bring down the cartel and he didn't want to be the reason that my mission failed. When he asked me to bring him his bag, I had no idea why until…until he asked me to open it and I found almost an entire key of pure heroin in tiny little plastic bags. He had been stealing from the lab every time he worked there and was keeping them hidden in his personal belongings."
Don dropped his head to his chest and took a few deep breaths. It was too late to turn back now. He had to tell his father everything. He had to confess his sins to someone, or else his soul would wither and die.
"He was in so much pain, Dad… He'd fought his addiction so hard, but it had gotten the best of him. I... I let myself believe that I was helping him. The opiate would ease his pain, but I knew perfectly well what he wanted. Hell; when they first brought him back to the cellar, he had begged me to kill him. I told him I wouldn't… that I couldn't. Then, when he asked me to just help him with the pain, to help him take the edge off... I told myself that I was only helping him, that if he could get some sleep… some relief from the pain, then we could figure out how to get him out in the morning. So, I prepared the drugs for him. He had a spoon, and a lighter and an old syringe… God only knows where he got it, or who had used it last… But, I..I.."
Don paused, working up the nerve to continue his confession. "I measured it out… told him to tell me 'when'. I knew it was too much, Dad. I knew what it would do and I'm responsible for that. No matter how many times I look back at that night, no matter how I try to spin it; I not only let him overdose…. Dad… I… I helped him. His hands were shaking too badly to do it himself, so I did it for him."
Self revulsion seeped from Don's voice as he choked out his words. "In the back of my mind I knew… I knew that if he died, then my cover was safe. I helped this young man kill himself and then held him as the convulsions wracked his body until he died. I might just as well have pulled out a gun and shot him in the head. It would have been quicker and less… painful."
A tear slipped down Don's cheek and landed on the table top. "When the guards came back and found him dead, they all assumed that I had killed him. The men who had beat Daniel had announced to everyone that he was the one responsible for the conditions we were being forced to live and work in. They thought I had done it to make him pay for the suffering we'd all endured, but they were wrong. I killed him to save myself! I put my desire to come home before his right to live.
It took Don a minute to gather the courage to look into his father's face, fully expecting Alan to see him for the monster he knew he was. But, instead, only love and compassion showed back from the older man's eyes.
"Donnie, you didn't kill Daniel. He had been killing himself for years and he chose to make his death a sacrifice. He gave up his life to save yours in the only way he knew how. It was his choice, son. You cannot hold yourself responsible for Daniel's choice."
"But I do, Dad. I do hold myself responsible. None of this would have happened if…."
"If."
Alan huffed out the word, cutting Don off. "If one thing hadn't happened, something else would have. Feeling guilty and allowing yourself to wallow in the 'what if's'…that's no way to live."
"I got to come home to my family, Dad."
Don looked pitifully at his father, trying to justify the guilt he was feeling. "Daniel will never go home again. If... I was in over my head and I made the wrong choice. Daniel should have gone back to his family. I would have helped him to do that."
"So why don't you?"
Don looked at his father incredulously, not fully understanding what he was suggesting. Realizing this, Alan quickly expounded on his question.
"Donnie, there is a way to find his family isn't there?"
Don nodded. "The FBI may have already. Since Daniel was mistakenly accused of being a federal agent, they were going to track down who he really was and try to get his family into protective custody until this was over. But they haven't kept me in the loop on any of that."
"Well, find out."
Don cocked his eyebrow, and Alan continued with certainty in his voice.
"You'll have some free time after this trial. Why don't you find his family and tell them what he did. How he gave his life to save yours. How he protected the case against the cartel so that this drug lord could be taken down and his drugs could no longer destroy the lives of countless people the way they had destroyed his. They don't need the details, Donnie. But, you can show his family that he did what he set out to do. He conquered his addiction and tried to make a difference in the lives of others just like him."
Don felt his heart lift just a little. That was something that he could do for Daniel, it was something that he should do for him. He had told Charlie he still wanted to go back to Colombia and retrieve Daniel's body. He would do that and bring him home to his family. Daniel could have a proper burial and his wife and daughter would know that he had not failed... that he had been a pivotal part in bringing about the downfall of the largest drug supplier on the west coast.
Charlie had gone right back up to the nursery after Amita left and as far as Don knew, he had not left the room since. Standing in the doorway, Don watched his brother as he slowly rocked back and forth in the old fashioned rocking chair. He was watching Adam sleep, all the while keeping the entire room in his line of sight. Don's movement at the door got his attention and Charlie shifted his eyes. Recognizing his older brother's shadow, he turned his head back toward the crib without a word.
Charlie's reaction to seeing him there only reinforced Don's reason for coming. They needed to talk. Don's conversation with his father had lightened his heart enough to face the next obstacle in his road to emotional stability, and that was Charlie. He understood why his brother was angry with him. After what he'd done, he didn't blame him. But if he was going to stay here, at this house, with his family, he needed to clear the air. Slipping into the nursery, Don stepped over to the crib and looked down at the sleeping baby.
"Charlie..."
"Don't."
Charlie didn't move, but his eyes had followed Don across the room. He had prepared himself in advance for Don's attempt at an apology, and he didn't want to hear it. He was still very angry with his older brother, but what was consuming his thoughts was far more insidious than anger. Fear was eating away at him in a way it never had before and knowing that Don was the core reason behind it all was almost more than he could stand. When Don turned away from the crib and fixed his eyes on him, Charlie had to look away.
"I'm sorry, Charlie."
Taking a step forward, Don expected his brother to look up, but Charlie kept his eyes on the floor.
"You don't have to believe me, Charlie. You don't have to accept by apology. But, I am sorry. I was wrong; everything that I have done; from the moment I stole those flash drives from the lab's computer, all the way up to what I did today..."
Cutting him off, Charlie sat forward, frowning. "What do you want from me, Don?"
When Don didn't reply, Charlie brought his head up and met his brother's eyes with a steely glare. "Do you want me to tell you that it's all right? Do you want me to say that I understand?"
Don dropped his head, breaking eye contact and walked over to the door, turning his back to him as he passed by. At first, Charlie didn't think he was going to respond. But as he crossed the threshold of the nursery, Don stopped and looked back over his shoulder. His voice sounded alien to Charlie; demoralized and broken.
"I should never have come here."
Then, he was gone. Charlie could hear Don's footsteps in the hallway and pause for a moment; then he heard a door close. He kept his eyes on the empty doorframe, staring after his brother as varied emotions boiled and churned inside of him.
What Don had just said frightened him, really frightened him… almost as much as having a gun pointed at his head. Because he had thought precisely the same thing as he had sat, watching Adam sleep. And he hated himself for even thinking it.
The next day, Don and Charlie found it surprisingly easy to avoid each other. Even inside the house, Don had an agent on him at all times. So, every time Charlie would enter the room, Don would simply engage the agent in a discussion about the next shift's security measures. If that topic had already come up in the past hour, he'd ask for an update on the investigation of Belt's body and vehicle. He needn't have concerned himself so much with false pretenses though, because Charlie was so busy with Adam that he found it a simple matter to avoid speaking to his brother. He probably couldn't have held a decent conversation even if he had wanted to. Adam simply wouldn't let Charlie out of his sight and cried with exaggerated wails if the young man set him down or tried to step away from him for even a moment. At one point, Charlie commented to his father that Adam was like a human version of Saran Wrap, clinging to him relentlessly.
The trauma of the previous day's events seemed to have had a deep psychological affect on the baby. The sedative that they gave him at the emergency room wore off about a half an hour after everyone had gone to bed and Adam had cried most of the night; sobbing even when Charlie was holding him and wailing at the top of his lungs when he was laid down in his crib. Finally, at a loss for anything else to do, Charlie simply took the baby into bed with him and cuddled the weeping infant until they both drifted off.
Unable to sleep, Don had laid in bed listening to the tearful wails of the distraught child. Even if Adam had slept through the night, it would have made little difference to Don's nocturnal condition. His brief talk with Charlie weighed heavily on his mind. At one point, he walked to his brother's room with the intent of making Charlie hear his apology in full. Instead, he stood outside the half open door and watched the room's two occupants as they finally drifted off into a fitful sleep. Once he had been certain that he wouldn't wake them, Don pushed the door open and silently made his way over to the chair at Charlie's desk.
He had spent the entire night there, watching over his brother and the baby as they slept. Before sunrise, he had dozed off himself, but Adam's early morning fussing roused him and he had quickly exited the room before Charlie had woken up. His brother had not wanted to hear his apology last night, and he could see no reason why he would want to hear it now.
As the day wore on, the quiet, underlying tension in the house grew. Alan wasn't sure if he wanted to join Adam and spend the day crying, mourning the loss of their security; or try screaming at his boys, berating them for their behavior toward one another. But regardless of what he suspected would make him feel better; he knew that he had to allow Don and Charlie to resolve this on their own terms.
It was early evening before Charlie finally managed to get Adam down for a nap. Stepping into the nursery, Alan pulled Charlie away from the crib and whispered, "You should take a nap. There's a good chance he'll be up all night again."
Walking into the hall with his father, Charlie hesitated and cast a glance over his shoulder at the dimly lit nursery.
"He'll be fine, Charlie."
"I know. I just don't want him to wake up screaming for me, and then I'm not there. He's insecure enough right now as it is."
In response, Alan stepped back through the nursery doors and retrieved the baby monitor, checking to make sure the receiver was on before he stepped back out into the hall. "I'll keep this with me. If he wakes up, I'll get him. If he doesn't see you first, I think he'll be oaky with me for a while."
Descending the stairs into the living room, Charlie asked, "Were we ever this... clingy?"
Alan chuckled under his breath as he took a seat in his recliner, placing the baby monitor on the coffee table. "You had your days, my boy. There were times when your mother would be so relieved that she could sit down and just breathe once you finally fell asleep."
Charlie sat down on the couch and allowed his head to lean back against the cushions, staring up at the ceiling. He understood exactly what his father meant. After a moment he looked up at him. "What about Don? Did he get like this?"
Alan scowled as he contemplated his answer. "Even as a baby, Don was more taciturn than you. He would brood and pout more than he would fuss and cry. It seems that a tendency toward being phlegmatic is a built in mechanism with your brother; always had been, right from the start."
Charlie frowned at his father's answer and shook his head slightly.
"I don't think that's really fair. Don has very strong emotions, he just doesn't share them as openly as you or I, but he still feels them."
As he said the words, a deep sense of guilt descended upon him. He hadn't given Don an inch last night and he allowed his brother to think that he agreed with his statement of self-condemnation. After all, he had allowed the thought to pass through his mind. If Don hadn't come home, if he hadn't jumped right back into his life, perhaps Valdario would not have been able to target the family the way that he had. But as soon as Don had said it and closed the door, Charlie had realized that home was exactly where his brother needed to be, regardless of the events his presence had elicited. They had each other... they were a family and no matter what transpired, they had to keep that. He had allowed his anger and hurt at Don's abandonment of them after the attack to keep him from saying that aloud, when it had been exactly what his brother had needed to hear. He was also sure that was why Don had been surreptitiously looking at advertisements for apartments in the West LA area, as far from Pasadena as he could get.
Alan had responded to his accusation of unfairness, but Charlie hadn't heard a word of it as his thoughts turned inward. He looked up at his father with determination in his eyes.
"I need to speak to Don."
Without waiting for his father's reaction, Charlie got up and left the living room in search of his brother. Something led him toward the backdoor and he was not surprised to see Don out in the yard. He was sitting next to the Koi pond, watching the fish glide under the crystal surface of the water, completely lost in thought. A burly agent had stationed himself in the far corner of the yard, near the back gate, watching vigilantly. Charlie knew there were at least three other agents nearby, although could not see them from the backdoor. The presence of heavily armed men in his backyard, no matter how discrete they were, unsettled Charlie a little. But, he had resolved himself to accept it as a necessary evil. Grateful that the agents were giving Don enough space for them to have a private conversation, Charlie opened the door and walked across the yard. Don didn't hear him approach and was slightly startled when he sat down in the grass next to him. Before his brother could make move, Charlie placed a firm hand on Don's forearm.
"Please don't leave. You've been avoiding me all day and we need to talk."
Don turned his face away from his brother and said softly, "There's nothing to say, Charlie. I screwed up. I..."
"Don, stop it! Please listen to me."
Don turned toward Charlie, looking at him warily as if he were tensing for the denunciation he knew he rightly deserved.
"You said that you should never have come back and I'm not going to pretend that the thought never crossed my mind. But I was upset, I was angry; hell I was scared shitless after what happened yesterday, but I was wrong too." The words came out in a rush, and Charlie paused, taking a deep breath to gather his thoughts before continuing. "Don, this is your home; we are your family - this is where you belong. The most important thing we have is each other…You, me, Dad…even Adam now…all of us. Without that, what is there?"
Don searched Charlie's face and found only truth in it. He had spent the last twenty four hours trying to decide where he would go after this was over and found himself becoming more and more despondent as the hours crept past. He was certain that Charlie wanted him to leave as soon as was reasonably possible and he didn't begrudge his brother that desire. He had brought all of this down on his family. The danger had been delivered right to their doorstep and after the near tragedy of yesterday, he couldn't blame his father or Charlie for thinking that they might be better off if he rode out this storm somewhere else. And even though his heart soared to hear Charlie words, he couldn't manage an appropriate response.
"Don, do you know why I have repeatedly made a habit of retreating into the sanctity of mathematics when life gets too hard?"
The question caught Don off guard and he shook his head in confusion.
"It's because of what they represent; what numbers represent to me. The world of mathematics.. it's ordered, logical - it makes sense and is predictable. Numbers don't lie; they don't abandon you - they're safe."
Finding his voice, Don turned and met his brother's eyes. "What I did yesterday…. I was angry, Charlie. Not just angry, I was…" He paused. Unable to find a word appropriate for the raw fury that had driven him to confront Valdario, Don shook his head. "More than anything, I was scared. More scared than I've ever been in my whole life. But…I'm not trying to make excuses here, Charlie. There's no excuse for the way I ran out of there. I wasn't thinking about you and I should have been. I never meant to hurt or abandon you that way."
Charlie turned his body so that he was facing Don directly.
"I know you didn't, Don. That's not what I meant. I want you to stay here. Even after all of this is over. I need you to stay. I spoke to Colby earlier and..."
Charlie had to stop for a moment as a wave of emotion bubbled up and Don leaned forward, concerned. "So this is about Adam leaving you? The abandonment thing…that's not about me?"
"No…" He paused to heave a deep sigh. "Maybe a little. But, Don, no matter what happens, with Valdario, with the Millers, with Adam - You're my brother, man. We need to be here for each other."
Charlie paused again and turned away from his brother to look up at the sun hanging low in the western sky. It was a beautiful day, but the warmth of the golden orb held no peace for him.
"Do you know why I haven't withdrawn into my numbers even with all of this going on?" Without giving Don the time to answer, he kept talking. "Numbers fall short in many respects. They can't love me; they can't comfort me – well, not in a visceral sense anyway. Numbers are a tool, a vision, but they can't replace the people in my life. I learned that lesson the hard way when mom died. As much as they were an escape for me, they were also a prison, confining me to an existence of self-depreciation and denial."
He turned back to his older brother. "Don't you see, Don. I need you to keep me from falling back over the edge of that abyss. I don't know any other way to explain this other than to say that, even though he is not the child of my body, Adam is the child of my heart, and when he leaves a huge piece of me is going to die."
Don stiffened at those words, but he didn't interrupt.
"I have learned more about life, loss, sacrifice, love and my own heart in the last four months than I have in the past thirty years. And, in the last twelve hours, I have learned that I would do anything for that child. I would die for him, Don. Adam has changed every aspect of my life and the way I view the world and I have no idea how I am going to live without him."
"Then why don't you fight to keep him?"
Although he didn't fully understand the reasoning behind his brother's statement, Don could see how hard it was for him to say it and he tried to sound encouraging as he said, "Charlie, Ethan asked you to take care of his son. He didn't ask you to take care of him until someone could come and get him. If you feel this strongly about him, you should fight for custody."
Charlie ran his hand though his hair and gave his brother a melancholy smile. "I can't do that to him because I love him. Adam has lost everyone in this world who has ever loved him. Kristen Miller is his only surviving relative, and I won't take that away from him too. I don't want to drop him into the middle of a custody battle; he's been through enough trauma without me causing him more. I have to do what is best for him; not what's best for me. Everything that's happened over the last two days has made that very clear."
"Now, Charlie what happened isn't your fault. If I hadn't come home…"
"No, Don." Cutting his brother off, Charlie shook his head adamantly. "Don't you see? Your coming home doesn't change anything. This investigation is so big that sooner or later, they would have found out who you were and then who I was. As long as Miguel Valdario is alive, Adam is not safe with me…because we won't be safe."
"Come on, Charlie. It's my fault that…"
Again, Don tried to interrupt, but Charlie continued speaking.
"It's more than that, Don. Who we are isn't going to change. Even if this thing had never happened, I can't fool myself into thinking that…" He paused, the anguish of what he was trying to say written plainly across his face. "I have to do what's best for him... and as much as I love him... I am not what's best for him."
Tears glimmered in the corner of Charlie's eyes as he fought to control his emotions. "I know that you've been thinking about leaving. I saw the paper you were looking through, that you are trying to find an apartment."
He stopped again, almost expecting Don to deny it. When his brother said nothing, Charlie swallowed hard and said, "I'm asking you not to. Please don't. I can't lose both of you. Don, I want you to stay... I need you to stay. I can't do this alone."
Stunned by everything Charlie has said, Don wasn't sure what to say. Pulling himself to his feet, he turned his back to his brother. Ever since he entered the exam room at the hospital, Don had begun to think that he was no longer welcome in Charlie's eyes. And, after the brief non-conversation last night in the nursery, Don was certain of it. He had spent a reasonable portion of the day looking over advertisements for apartments as far from the family home - Charlie's home - as he could, and still be an acceptable distance from his office. He had even considered putting in for a transfer out of state. It had felt to Don like the last few years progress that he and his brother had made in their relationship had all be destroyed by yesterday's event. Now, as he stood next to the Koi Pond in the light of the setting sun, brushed by a light breeze, everything he had felt over the last fourteen hours seemed like some sort of surreal dream. Charlie wanted him to stay. He said that he needed him to stay and the feeling that plea evoked in him was overpowering.
Rising from the ground, Charlie moved to stand behind his brother. Taking Don's silence to mean that he didn't really want to live in the family home, he drew in a deep breath to steady his nerves.
"Look, Don after everything that you have been through, I know that I am asking a lot. I won't beg you to live here. We're both adults... You've been independent of Dad and I for a really long time and I understand that."
Don turned toward him, inhaling deeply as if preparing to say something profound, so Charlie hurriedly continued. "I was just hoping that we could put our differences aside..."
He never got a chance to finish what he was saying. His words were quickly forgotten as Don pulled him into a sudden, fierce embrace, not caring one whit that an agent from his office was witnessing this public display of affection. "Stop! Charlie, just stop."
A few short seconds later, Don let go of his rather stunned brother. Stepping back, he grabbed both of Charlie's shoulders, and held him out at arms length. "Why is it that we keep misunderstanding each other? I don't want to leave; I thought that you wanted me to go. "
Charlie looked up at him, flabbergasted by the explosion of emotion from his older brother. He opened his mouth to speak, but Don didn't let him. "I meant what I said yesterday at the hospital, Charlie. You are more important to me than anything in this world. You know that, right?"
Blinking rapidly, and fighting to control the quaver in his voice, Charlie said, "Yeah. Yeah, I know."
Don squeezed Charlie's shoulders tightly in an effort to substantiate his words. "I'll stay as long as you need me to – as long as you want me to."
TBC
A/N - Hello everyone, Alice I here.
Thank you for sticking with us for so long. We know that it has been a long time between posts the last few chapters. Both of us have had our share of real life considerations this past summer, as many of you know, and right now we are both looking at our school aged children going back to those wonderful hallowed halls of parental peace! I am reminded of the Staples commercial that says, "There Going Baaaack! It's the most wonderful time of the year..."
Also, we would like to tell you that today marks the one year anniversary of our friendship with each other. And, we have finally met for the first time! Finally our children have met as have we and we are taking a week to have ourselves a little vacation! We have naturally begun work on the next two chapters. Once our little darlings go back to school and life returns to some semblance of normal, we anticipate being able to dedicate more time to writing. This story is actually not far from concluding. We really only have five or six more chapters to go.
Once again we thank all of you who have stayed with us throughout this entire process. Please let us know what you think of this last chapter. This one took an exceptionally long time because it is the emotional climax for all of the main characters and we really wanted to get it right.
The next two chapters are closely tied in time line so we want to have them both completed before posting. They will be posted on consecutive days so that the time line is still fresh in your minds after chapter twenty-six. This task will be infinitely easier when all of our combined rug-rats go back to school in a couple of weeks. LOL